'Self Care Isn't Bubble Baths': The Real Stuff That Changes Your Life

If you think self-care is all spa days and scented candles, think again. Real self-care is messy, unsexy, and often uncomfortable — but it’s also the stuff that actually changes your life.

In this episode, I’m cutting through the fluff and talking about boundaries, clutter-clearing, saying no, and protecting your energy — because that’s what true self-care really looks like..!

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Transcript

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piano plays

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Welcome to the Art of Soulful Living. I am Laura. I am actually sat really high on my chair at the moment. Just bear with me. There we go. Right, I'm back down to earth now. I was like literally eight foot in the air and my legs were swinging around. So how are we all? I am doing well. I'm three or is it four weeks into home educating now and actually I think we're starting to find our flow a little bit better. Everything seems a bit easier. I'm I'm really aware of how their rhythms are. So one is terrible in the morning, but much more switched on and energetic in the afternoon and vice versa. And I'm just probably a little bit of both. And also I'm just trying to really carve out time for myself as well, which is really, really needed. Which is how I got onto this, thinking about this episode that I want to record today. I actually had previously recorded an episode about autumn winter and Christmas because I heard that it was less than 100 days to Christmas but then I deleted it because I thought I cannot talk about Christmas yet it's September I'm just I might say submit at the end maybe because I've got a few little thoughts on it because I'm a real scrooge when it comes to Christmas but yes this week I want to talk about self-care and it's one of my biggest bug bears and it's a con and it's what has been sold to women in the body shop as a little hamper basket with shredded paper that you put in hamster cages and little tiny teeny little stingy bottles of shitty lotion and that is self-care oh bubble baths no self-care isn't candles and it's not baths even though those things are lovely although i'm know to be honest I don't I don't like a bath sitting in your own dirty water is not um it's not for me not for me at all but yeah I wanted to talk about self-care because as we're getting into autumn winter time because you can see how the weather's turned women are expected and we just naturally pick it up um all the crap for a new school year all the new events all the new Halloween Halloween parties then you've got half term then before you know it it's Christmas and we are the ones that normally take the brunt of buying all the presents for everyone not only our own family but our partners our husbands families as well we're the ones that write the cards out alternate to all the neighbours although I don't write cards anymore I stopped that years ago and now they just probably think I'm just a miserable cow but I just don't agree with it I don't agree with cards I just don't anyway there's something else to agree with I'm such a rebel so yeah let's talk about self-care because somewhere along the way I would imagine it will be to do with a man but I sound like I'm a man hater and I'm not I just am very aware of the patriarchy and how it's shaped shaped our world but it's got hijacked now when we hear self-care we think of bubba bus oh you know let's just go and have some self-care take a take a shower and wash your hair and That's not, that's not self-care at all. That's, I forgot where I was then. I had a child burst in asking me how long it was going to be. Where was I? Oh yeah, about being hijacked. So like when someone goes, oh yeah, go and take a, go and have a shower, you know, just basic hygiene. You're not doing me a favour by letting me go and have a shower. Just, I just should be able to just have a shower. This isn't self-care. This, running above and buying... Have I already spoken about this? It's how bad my memory is at the moment. Have I just spoken about the body shop or not? I don't know. God, I don't know where I am. Anyway, bubble baths, candles, spa days. Don't get me wrong. They are lovely. I don't personally like a bubble bath. But it's not self-care. It's just things we should just do anyway. But real self-care is a lot less Instagrammable and... and a lot more uncomfortable it's saying no and as women we find it really really difficult to do a lot of the time but and we're brought up like I was brought up to just be a good girl and I was a good girl and I was quiet and I was polite and I would just sit there really neat and tidy always look nice and I thought that was my role because that's what made people happy but actually it's it's about creating boundaries it's about clearing out clutter that's draining your energy it's really really about protecting your time and I think I've never been more aware of that since starting home educating everyone was like what about the kids what about their socialization what about them but actually no one really went what about you Laura what what are you gonna do you're gonna be literally never on your own what about what are you gonna do for yourself no one asked that like whenever you have a baby people always come around that you literally carry this baby for it's 10 months by the way it's not nine it's basically 10 months and you've carried this baby and you're fat and you feel you're exhausted and your body's been ravaged and depleted and people come around and they ask if the baby's sleeping well and they ask how the baby is and they want to see the baby and no one thinks about the mom no one so it's it's about sorry i was talking about time so it's about the protecting your time as well making boundaries and this one I'm so aware of now I'm home educating I actually it has got easier as time has passed because I'm more aware that I am able to carve out more time without rushing myself between nine and two I don't I have more time to play with because I used to squeeze it all into nine two gotta be here gotta be there gotta get this for the house gotta do this for this and this and this and now I just don't I I've stopped doing all of that and now I'm just taking it easy and I'm not ruled by time and the clock anymore which allows us all to be a lot freer and things are just playing our days are playing out easier and so now I can really carve time and be more mindful of actually you know what I need half an hour to record my podcast because that is one of the things that I just want to do every week if I don't do anything else I want to do that every week I want to be able to write and get my thoughts down on paper whether that's sticking it in a journal or you know writing out on my blog which is on my website I've done that for myself and I think like it is about creating these boundaries and it's doing the things you don't want to do in the moment but that future you will thank you for so today I want to strip self care back to the truth and it is unsexy it's not snuggled up on a sofa with a hot coffee and just listening to music for five minutes ten minutes before you've got to get up it is that but it's not that's just basics of taking time to rest if anyone thought there was some kind of dinosaur or robber trying to get into the house with the banging in the background it was just my children they're playing a game and they're hiding in the wardrobes and it's literally reverberating throughout the house so my apologies for that anyway let's get back to stripping back self-care right so I want to strip it back to the truth and it's really unsexy and it's sometimes really boring and it's really uncomfortable and sometimes it's hard stuff that actually really just makes your life better and it's almost like unprogramming especially as women what we were taught to be selfless to be of service to others and you put yourself at the bottom of the pile but actually that's the That's nothing about self. There's nothing about that that's related to self-care at all. So it's a myth, really. I mean, we've been sold this idea that self-care is indulgence. A bubble bath fixes everything. A scented candle means you're looking after yourself. But here's the truth. If your boundaries are wrecked, if your house is chaotic, if you're exhausted because you're saying yes to everything and your people pleasing your ways through life and I am not preaching because I am one of those people no bath and no scented candle or no spa day with a massage once in a blue moon is actually going to fix that because real self care is built in your daily habits it's not at Christmas or on your birthday you get bought a day you know going to sit and have two 30 minute facials and sit in a sauna for an hour. It's great, but your self-care is built in your daily habits. We have so many micro-stresses throughout the day. If you're not building self-care into your day as well, you're literally just going to be burning out. Every month you're going to be like, oh my God, you're just going to be burning out and you're going to need a hell of a lot of spa days to try and change that back and switch it around. So real self-care isn't an escape from your life, I suppose I'm trying to say. It's about building a life you don't need to escape from. Let's get practical. Real self-care looks like this these are some points that I put down which I figured they sound really boring but they're actually really important boundaries is the biggest one I never really heard of boundaries up until a few years ago didn't really know what it meant didn't I was like yeah whatever that's not for me my god boundaries are everything saying no when you need to protecting your time your energy your mental space even the little things like get asked a thousand times a day where stuff is that little mental where's this where's that can i have this can i have that it just chips away at you so you really need to protect your mental space and just sometimes you know what i've started doing i just don't answer i don't say anything so if you haven't looked for it yourself i'm not even going to answer you you look i do not use what do they say do not use my prefrontal cortex to figure out where something is because you can't be bothered to use your own brain you're not using my brain space because you can't be bothered i sound like an absolute arsehole i actually am an actual delight to live with i do promise you that but yeah so maybe i'm coming up to menopause who knows uh yeah so saying no protecting your time your energy your mental space not letting guilt push you into doing everything for everyone else i just feel so guilty all the time i feel guilty i feel bad or do it it'll make it easy but actually i'll i'm just shaping them into being hopeless husbands really that's why that's that's what pushes me now to be a bit of a stickler about this because i just think i'm bringing up three boys and they're going to be husbands and father's one day and I want I don't want them to be almost like a burden on their wives I don't want their wives or or their kids going God he doesn't do anything he can't think for himself he's always you know he never looks after his own things he never does anything or you know lifts a finger I'm bringing I want to bring good men into the world so that's why I do it really not because I'm an asshole I promise um Next is clutter clearing. I hate the word clutter, but because clutter is stress. Every drawer stuffed with crap. Every surface piled with things you don't need. It weighs you down subconsciously. Clearing it out is self-care. It might not look like it. It's not really on a par with a spa day, clearing out your drawers. But it really, really helps to just clear your mind. And it lays on your subconscious if you don't do it health basics sleep i mean sleep is so basic but i tell you what if you don't get enough of it it will ruin your life proper food proper nourishment whole foods not microwaved not anything that's coming out of a packet really whole foods proper food movement getting outside getting in the fresh air regardless of weather drinking water taking your vitamins it's not glamorous but it is genuinely the foundation of it's just a great starting block for taking care of yourself and if you've done nothing else that day but you ate whole foods and took a couple of vitamins and drank enough water you'll feel so good and your mindset feels clearer and then it's just the starting block for bigger and better things finances finances and self care wouldn't necessarily go hand in hand but it does face your bills sort out your budget having money clarity instead of burying your head and just buying and buying and buying and not looking at your finance look at your bank account any bank account you have you might have one you might have a dozen of them look at look at them every day look at your credit card if you have credit cards if you have debt if you have loans anything like that look at it every day and just have clarity financial clarity on where you're at because I'm telling you if you do not it honestly it will weigh down on you whether you like it or not subconsciously it will be there just face it and you'll feel so much more empowered when you see what you do or don't have in your bank accounts every day and then saying yes to what nourishes you and no to what drains you and that's relationships and commitments and even social media if you know if there's social media things accounts that every time you look at it it just stirs a reaction which is like negative or it drains you because it's about the news or it's about politics or anything else that makes you feel like shit just unfollow it you don't need it in your life there is enough crap going on you don't need more of that we're not we weren't built to see everything so don't feel guilty or like you're what do they say you're so entitled or you're so what do they say you're so not entitled you're privileged I right I can't get in I'm not going to get into that today but we are not built as humans to be able to see and witness absolutely everything that's going on in the world honestly it will kill you so that's the gritty side of self-care it's not a one-off spa day like I say it's the daily discipline of looking after yourself like someone you live like someone you look after just take care of yourself and your mind and why it's hard I mean let's be real self-care is hard because it often looks like disappointment it looks like telling people no not today I'm not doing that I'm not booking in on that it looks like leaving early it looks like going to bed early it looks like clearing a Saturday to get your house in order instead of going to a brunch you don't even want to be at it's not as marketable as a candlelit bath or a bath bomb or whatever else the body shop used to try and sell you but it does really really change your life and it is it is self-care but it's very very disguised in a very boring way and this is why I talk so much about the home because your house isn't just walls and furniture it's a reflection of how you're caring for yourself when I learnt about Neurospatial Linguistics your bathroom or your ensuite or wherever it is that you go and get ready in morning or where you go and shower it's your most vulnerable room and it's a reflection of how you're caring for yourself so if your drawers are chaotic or overwhelming or cluttered and it's not supporting you the real self-care might be look at clearing it clearing one drawer out or finally fixing the thing that's been broken for months or creating a corner that feels like a sanctuary it's how you build a life that feels good every day not just when you light a candle although that can feel really good and it's not just about being on holiday all the time running away from it it's about because everyone's going to have a nice time on holiday everyone's going to have a nice time when they go out for bottomless brunch everyone's going to have a good time with all these things but that's not where life lies well it is and it isn't your daily life if you get that right and you take care of that everything else does fall into place and you'll feel a lot more rested and and grounded and at peace with your life and you will feel genuinely happier when you think next time you think about self-care just ask yourself is it making is this going to actually make my life easier calmer or lighter is it just a temporary escape self-care isn't about escaping it's nice to go on holiday it's nice to do different things see different scenery it's really enriching for the soul i totally agree with that but self-care isn't just about escaping and booking a holiday it's about building strength and boundaries and systems every day that make you feel supported so you know the bubble baths and the candles and the hot showers they can say but let them be just like an extra add-on and not the whole the whole vibe it's not the be all and end all of if you're having a good day or not so yeah just that's a whole different way of thinking about self-care but it it's And it's not sexy. And it's not like... You can't really... It's not very Instagrammable at all, is it? But that is, to me, that is self-care. And it's boring. And it's dull. And it's not something you can put a filter on and go, Oh, look at this, what I'm doing. Clearing out my beauty drawer. Oh, look at this. I'm having such a fantastic Saturday. It's so exotic. I'm cleaning my wardrobe out. But trust me... the long run it it will revolutionize your life so there we go that is my episode today on self-care it's probably not what you're expecting but I really appreciate you for listening to the art of soulful living and if this episode made you rethink self-care share it with someone who needs to hear this version and remember your home is your vision board so let it reflect the version of you who strives to say no to make the boundaries clear the space and choose what you want to support you and what you need and not everyone else all of the time so there we go oh actually before I finish I realised there were some things I wanted to say about Christmas and I'm so sorry for anyone who doesn't want to hear it but in our family we've already had the conversation about Christmas Day and who is going where so last Christmas we had I think it was 19 people over for Christmas Day and as fun as it was it was absolute carnage and we vowed on Christmas Day night never to do it again because normally we go away abroad for Christmas Day and we've already had the conversation again this year we've firmly told everybody that we won't be having a repeat of last Christmas and to make their own their own what am I trying to say their own you know what I mean plans but what I wanted to say is now it's September and everyone's going everyone's back at school this is where we're on a downward spiral and as women it's so difficult to start juggling everything especially now for some god-awful reason we've decided as a country we need to also now celebrate Halloween which is just ridiculous and then after that off October half term it's now Christmas and all the way I mean I walked into a store earlier and there's already Christmas stuff out which blows my mind but there we go I think the Halloween stuff was out in June it was just oh god what is going on with the world so just very very briefly I don't really like talking about Christmas because actually I don't like it I don't like Christmas I don't I'm not religious I don't like the consumerism around it I don't like the stress I don't like all the money spent on stuff nobody needs I don't like I just don't really know what it stands for like I get we see I know people it's nice it's nice to be in a pub with your family and it's cosy and I get that and I love a twinkly light but I don't really understand you know you're creating magic for the kids although I think we're in the last year of that now before none of them believe but I just don't like the chaos and the stress of it all this is not how we should be living in the winter we should be like living a softer and calmer life and someone said it's less than 100 days away so no I don't believe in it I don't like it I don't like Christmas but here's the thing this year I'm just saying it's a little note at the end of this podcast I just wanted to say that because people will start talking to you about it now maybe make this year the one that you get to redefine it if you want a calm Christmas it starts now decide early what you're going to be saying yes to and what you're say no to if you love the lights and the food keep that but if you hate the endless parties or the gift buying just cut back you're not being a scrooge just be like no you know maybe with instead of buying presents you all just spend that money on going somewhere for the day or the night or go book somewhere fancy for dinner and spend the money on that all together and make memories in the moments rather than just buying so much more crap into our houses that nobody needs and just this is just a little bit of maybe like a little permission slip just to do Christmas your way this year and just be ready ready for the questions who's having who or who's cooking what where we're going just maybe now is a good time before the madness starts just think to yourself where do you want to go how do you want your Christmas to look do you want it to be quiet and calm or maybe there's some traditions you absolutely love but maybe there's a load of things you get railroaded into doing that you just don't want to do and every year you're like no but be ready give yourself um make your own map of Christmas and just be like this is this is what I'm going to be doing this Christmas a calmer slower version that feels nourishing instead of draining because no one benefits from you being exhausted and resentful and no no one benefits not you not anyone around you so just manage your own energy you're holding you know people together too as women we do end up doing everything so just maybe set the tone and be ready be ready for the questions don't allow it to feel frantic just feel like you're more in control and just protect your health protect the burnout of everybody's and just create those boundaries don't overbook December decide what's actually worth it you don't have to say yes to everything you don't have to have the matching pajamas for an Instagram photo I'm telling you now you don't you don't need to all go for a light trail in arse end of winter when your kids are freezing and you don't need to do that some stuff you might love you might love a light trail you might love a film light like last Christmas we went to what to the cinema to watch Home Alone which is what 30 years old and it was a fiver to get in and the kids absolutely loved it that's that was what we did we just went and watched a really old film and that's all we did we had like little bits here and there but we really really stripped back on the parties it's in it from a sensory perspective it's so overwhelming the shops are really busy they're hot in the shops if it's cold outside you've got a coat on bright lights everywhere maybe ask the kids ask them what do they want what do they enjoy what do they not enjoy do you want to do story time by candlelight what you know in the run-up to christmas or in the week between maybe book more in the week between Christmas and New Year rather than the run up to Christmas because that's the week that I find really gets you because you're like in no man's land it's such a weird week for people maybe book some things in for then instead of that frantic run up to Christmas when the kids are in school there's plays the school really push it and just remember to share the responsibility if you're carrying all the Christmas or all the end of your load you're going to burn out you're not going to enjoy yourself so just delegate or just simplify so yeah that's what I just wanted to say just about finishing the year strong it doesn't mean cramming everything in or just making it so exhausting just cut the crap that weighs you down protect your energy make the boundaries have a road map of where you want the end of the year to go and what you don't want to do this year maybe you've been doing something for 10-15 15 years and you're like actually I don't enjoy that I don't like that I don't like putting up a fake tree I want a real one this year I don't want to do that I don't want to have to go to the Christmas party this year it's shit every year don't go just don't go there's no need stop forcing yourself to do things just because everyone says you should society tells you you should Instagram tells you you should be enjoying it you know Christmas is really lonely for a lot of people just be aware that what you're like as as winter and autumn creeps up and everyone's having their best basic pumpkin spice lattes and marshmallows and baking pumpkin style cookies it's just it's all bollocks it's bollocks honestly i've cooked cookies with my kids it's not instagrammable in any way it's bollocks so please just yeah so release any obligations any old habits make some new traditions what do you want to do and it could be just simple little simple things like watching a film together just one of the nights you don't need christmas eve boxes for the kids you don't need to buy them more crap in a christmas eve box for them to open more crap on Christmas Day. You don't need that. Just refocus and write down what actually matters to you. What do you want to do? How do you want to prioritise your health and sleep? Because that always goes to the back burner as well. Once December, November, December hits, it's like health, sleep, slow evenings, everything just goes to the back because there's so much noise and like, but health is huge when you're going into spring, summer because everyone's summer body, bikini ready, summer ready, whatever. But then it goes into it goes hidden in a cupboard somewhere because you're so overburdened with the noise of society and everything else around you but that's what strength is and that's alignment and that means when it comes to January or March when it's actually supposed to be new year not January don't I'm not going to go into that what do you want to carry what noise can you drop so yeah there we go that's just a little bit I wanted to say about Christmas only because I'm saying now if you get ready and write down what you really want for your autumn winter season or seasons because it's going to go quick you're ready then you're going to be like I'm going to do this I'm doing that and then all the things you want to say no to just I give you permission you don't want to be frantic you don't want to be exhausted you want to be strong clear and have a calm Christmas thank you that is all I wanted to say I will see you next week thank you for listening