Men-tioned: Chief Kelly

In the first installment of Men-tioned, I’m sharing the story of Chef Kelly — a military man I met on a dating app who became more than I expected.

What started as casual quickly became complicated as feelings developed, boundaries blurred, and I found myself experiencing emotions I wasn’t fully prepared for. From hookups to house-sitting while he was on deployment, this story unpacks the excitement, confusion, attachment, and disappointment that came with catching feelings for someone who didn’t handle me with the care I deserved.

“Men-tioned: Chef Kelly” is a real-life reflection on dating, vulnerability, learning through heartbreak, and the growth that comes from finally seeing a situation for what it was.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm ready for this one. This is gonna be a good one. Hi guys, welcome back for another episode of It's a Guy Thing. Today is gonna be something different. Now, when I was sitting down and figuring out what I wanted on my podcast and the content that I wanted to create, I knew in some way, shape, or form I wanted to discuss the most serious, most authentic datingslash relationships that I was in. And I can only solidify four people that truly impacted my life relationally. Uh, either I dated them or I was in a committed relationship with them, or like in this case, was the first person that I realized that I wanted something more than just a casual hookup. And so today we are going to be discussing the first person that kind of awakened this desire in me to want to seek something other than a one-night stand or something that was more than just uh friends with benefits. Now, due to privacy purposes, I don't want to expose their name, even though I don't believe they'll ever find this podcast. You never know. You never know. You see some crazy things on for you pages on Instagram and Twitter, so I'm just going to refer to him as a nickname. I'm going to refer to this man as Chief Kelly for many different reasons. One, because this man was in the military and he was a chief. And two, his dog that was his prized possession was named Kelly. And before I begin, I really just wanted to explain why I am dedicating four episodes to talking about my more vulnerable, authentic relationships and dating experiences. Just because one, I really want you guys to analyze actions, words that were said, the timelines of things. And I want you to realize and analyze and observe the growth from the first episode of me talking about someone that I, you know, interacted with that was quote unquote a little bit more serious, to you know, the fourth episode of this little mini series, I guess you can say, of my relationship that I had just this past year and year prior. And so along the way, I want you to see patterns that I had, I want you to see the growth that I had, uh revelation, this sense of realization, this little jewels to this older jewels who's more mature yet still learning, just like everybody else. And I just kind of want you to put yourself in my shoes, or if you've been in a similar situation, I want you to really grasp what's going on, and maybe you can relate, or maybe you've had similar situations as I have myself, but nonetheless, I'm not just sharing a story time just to spill tea, or just to like give you some juicy entertainment. It's fun to listen to that, but there's something behind the tea and the juice and the drama and the anticipation, the climaxes, and all of that. I want you to really observe and analyze what's going on uh during this time in my life, you know, what I was struggling with, etc. etc. So, with that being said, let's begin. Okay, so 2021 is when I was in a spot where I was just really living life. This is like right after COVID. So 2020, we were all trying to figure out like what the hell we're doing with life and what we were gonna do in the return of life, pretty much, and going back to work and whatnot. So at the time I was working at Home Depot, which is really interesting because a lot of people get really surprised when I said I worked at Home Depot. I was a little shocked myself, but again, during 2020, you need a job. I also started going to this gym that opened up in my local area. Not only went to that gym, but I ended up working there as like a second job, and I really wanted just to have you know extra money, and having two jobs was just convenient for me. One night was working at my second job at the gym. I worked Friday, Saturday nights, and I also worked Wednesday nights. Now, I I could only recall, I want to say it was a Friday night, and I just remember I was at the gym, front desk, and not a lot's happening Friday night. The gym's pretty slow, and so I'm you know just fiddling through my phone, trying to figure out like what I'm gonna do after, you know, like and at this point, you know, I'm not really looking for anything serious. I had grinder, and I was just really trying to have a good time. That summer, I remember having this Brazilian fling where I was at work, ended up meeting with some guy, and we kind of like hit it off. We kind of became like a friend with benefit, but nothing like too crazy. Like he was just visiting from Brazil for a little while, and he was really cool, really chill guy. And I just remember it's September of 2021. I'm at the gym, and I get this message from this guy. He had no profile pick, and I just remember messaging him, and he was kind of feeling himself. I was kind of feeling myself too. And you know, we exchanged little conversation. He sent me his face pick. I thought he was pretty attractive. At the time, I was in like my white boy era, like all the guys that I liked were white, and so I ended up like asking him if like I can come over, but he respectfully declined because he had to go take his friend to the airport at 4 a.m. So he just didn't think that it was realistic for me to come over. Also, he had his friend over, so I wouldn't be able to go to his place because at the time I was living at my mom's, and so I was like, you know what, that's cool, whatever. Like, we ended up exchanging like Snapchats, and I just remember Snapchatting him briefly that night, and then after uh I go home, don't really think much about it. I work Saturday, and I don't think I met up with him Saturday. All I remember is meeting him on a Sunday because I know it was a school night, and not that I was in school, but I just remember Sunday night specifically because I ended up going over to his house Sunday evening, and I was like, okay, you know what? Like, we'll see what this guy's about. You know, he lived in Mission Valley at the time, and so I was like, you know what? Like, why not? Like, I have nothing to lose. Like, if anything, like, you know, we can just get a great bang out of it. Bang out of it's crazy, but that's essentially what it was, and so I ended up going to Chief Kelly's house, and pretty much my first impression of him was okay, he's a bit shorter than me. Cause I'm about like five eight, five, nine. I'm not the tallest, but I mean, hey, it is what it is. But this man was like going like five, six, five, seven, and I was just like, okay, like cool, like I I see the vibe. And he, you know, was just like, I don't want to say average, because that's like really mean, but like he was just like an average white boy, like he like had some like a sleeve, he had some tats on his other like arm and some on his chest, like you know, like I don't know. Like, I just found him to be attractive. Also at the time, and kind of still now, like, I'm not attractive to like super super buff guys. Like, I myself like to be fit, but I don't really require that from someone else. If they're like fit or like average, I guess you can say, like, I'm content with that. Like, I just obviously want someone who cares about their body, actively exercises, etc. So, like, I wasn't too worried about like, oh my god, like he's fat. Like, that's not what I was thinking at all. I was like, if anything, like he had a cute little dad bod, and that just like blows me out of my like I just go crazy for that. So essentially, I go into his house, and we briefly were talking on snap about like what we were into, and right off the bat, it was definitely giving like 50 shades of gray vibes. Like, he was definitely more into like the kinkier aspects of like BDSM, and so it's just like I'm not really exposed to that, but I'm willing to try it out with like the right person, and so you know, I was very honest, very transparent with him of like, okay, like I'm cool with this, this, and that, but like everything else, like don't even think about, and so he had he had like some toys, I guess you can say, with him, that were very interesting, again, just very kinky. I don't need to really get into details, but all I just know, all I know is that the sex was great, like it was very eye-opening to see something new, something fresh. And honestly, I feel like there's this like reputation of like got like white boys being boring, which essentially they kind of are. Sorry, but like this man had like flavor to him. I don't know how to explain it, and then adding on like the very like like sexy, exotic, like weekend music behind on the background, it made it that much better. You know, we do our thing, and at this point, my impression of him is in my eyes, he's physically attractive. Also, side note, I want everyone to stop presuming that uh short men, short kings, are not packing. If there's anything I can't stress enough about is this ideology and this stereotype type of short men aren't packing. Now, I was deceived with his photos, like I honestly went with the risk because I saw his initial photos and I instantly thought to myself, I was like, uh, I mean, it wasn't impressive. The angle was just not giving what it needed to give, but the second this man pulled down his pants, oh my god. I was just mind-blown, deceived, and I was just like, I'm gonna have a great night. It was the perfect size, it did everything it needed to do. Moving on, I was attracted to his looks, he had a great personality, and he was great in bed. So, like, I was obviously not gonna complain. He wasn't rude to me, he was super nice, he let me hang out after. He wasn't that type of person that was just gonna be like, Okay, come to my house, it's banging and you gotta go. Like, we had conversation. I we even showered together just to make sure we like just took everything off of us. And I thought that was really nice and thoughtful. Obviously, in the shower is kind of like where I'm getting to know him a little more. I like to be really nosy and just ask like crazy questions, like, where are you from? What are you doing here? What are you about? Like, how long have you lived here? Do you have family here? Do you have friends here? Like, what's your job? And essentially, I ended up learning that he was in the military. You guys. After this story time, you're gonna understand why I don't really fuck with military men. If I'm gonna meet up with a military man, it's legitimately only, and I mean only to fuck around. That's absolutely it. Because they just have this reputation. I'm sorry, they really do. I have friends that are in relationships, and fortunately, they are the good ones out of all of the crazy ones. But just to make my life more simplistic, I just choose to avoid military men. And I can go on a whole rampage as to why, but after this story time, you'll understand why. So eventually I ended up finding out he was in the military, that he's been living here for a couple of years, I want to say maybe three years, and he was in the process of becoming chief select. So he was a 30-year-old man. From my understanding of being in the position of a chief select, he was moving up to the position of being a chief. And just from conversations with my friends that are associated working with the military, my whole family works for the military. I knew that this man like loved his job. Like to become a chief at 30 years old just shows great, immense and dedication for his job. Like he lived and was breathing his job every single day. And it really showed because it takes a lot of work and effort to get to that position. So I knew he was a really smart guy, and I knew that he really was dedicated and loved his career, and he made it his whole life, as you can see, because he at 30 was at such a great position and very high ranking position, and so he was moving up to an E7. So in the military, they have rankings. I just know that him being an 7 was like really high. So that was like the conversation that we had in the shower, and I told him briefly about myself. I didn't really want to expose like too too much, and you know, because I've obviously I've never like hung out with him long enough after that hangout. We started Snapchatting a little bit more, and a little bit more, and then I started realizing, oh, we're texting every day. Okay. Hey, come over. Okay, I'm on my way. I remember the first two weeks that I was like, you know, messing around with him. I was obsessed with Doja Cat at the time. And I remember listening to Need to Know as my theme song every time I went over to his house. It just was like a boost of energy. It was like this like confidence of like, yeah, like I'm like, I don't know if it like necessarily like internally was like boosting my ego, knowing that like I got this military guy, but like it was just like the confidence and like building the momentum of like, yeah, I'm gonna go and like mess around with this kid type of deal, just because the song itself is just exudes sex, so that's kind of like what I was feeling. And we had more FaceTime calls and more Snapchats and creating a snap streak, and I was just like, okay, like I'm giving a lot of my attention to this guy, and then I found myself going over to his house after work in the evening time and taking his dog out and making his bed and doing like these like little acts of kindness just to make myself noticeable. At this point, I don't even know how, but I want to say I ended up getting a key because there were times where I would go to his house to take his dog for a walk without him there. And when he would come, I was already at the house, and so I just kind of started noticing like these little things that were, you know, going on a little more quickly now that I think about it. Then you know, he just got really comfortable. I guess you can say that's the only way I can think about it. He just got really comfortable and he liked my vibe, and I guess he just gave me like access to his house. I don't know. And so essentially, this was all in September. Moving on to October, I guess the best way to describe what the dynamic was coming to was this friends with benefit. And of course, at the time, I'm super young, I'm like 22, I'm not really knowing what's going on. I'm just really infatuated with just like giving my attention and my energy to this guy. And I didn't realize that this was becoming more of like a friends with benefits, where I hang out with him, and then we just have the benefit of just hooking up. But October comes around and he breaks the news that he's going on a detachment for like two weeks, and during this detachment, he was going to become chief select, and so this is where I'm realizing like, okay, like he's really like building his momentum with like becoming chief. Now he's chief select, and he had to go through like several interviews, and when he got the news, he was super excited. And I remember I was there for it, and I also remember there was a time where he we were like literally like having sex, and he ended up taking a call, a work call, as I was like giving him head. Brings back memories. I'm telling you, like this man was just on a whole nother level of like kink, and I mean, I'm here for a good time, like, don't threaten me with a good time because I'm down. So he goes away for two weeks, he comes back. I obviously end up hanging out with him, and when he comes back, he broke the news. Now he has to go away for a whole month in November. And this is where I realized looking back, I allowed people, even though I did it voluntarily, I allowed people to take advantage of my kindness, of my availability, of my time and energy. Because I was becoming so infatuated with this man and wanting to like spend every time I can with him just because I thought he was a really cool person. I liked his company and I liked getting attention from him. I remember specifically giving my voluntary availability to watch his dog for a whole month while he was gone because he couldn't find a sitter, he couldn't find anybody to watch his dog, and he didn't want to leave the dog with like his mom or someone, one of his friends, because the dog had a lot of um issues. The dog had to be trained in a certain way. Where I want to say he got it from the pound. I don't really know the whole story, but the essentially the dog had a lot of issues, and the key the dog could not be around other dogs, otherwise, the dog would freak out. And well, the dog's name's Kelly. So Kelly couldn't it be around any other dog. She would freak out, she would attack them. I want to say she was abused before Chief Kelly got the dog. So, like, he trained her in a very specific way. She had like um code words and words to listen to the owner to sit down, and he had to train me before he left. Also, too, I didn't like dogs. I simply was doing this just to please him. And I just remember calling my friend and telling her all of this, and she specifically said verbatim, she said, Jay, you don't even like dogs. Like, why are you and you think you're gonna watch this dog for a whole month? And I said, No, literally, and I don't know why I'm doing it, but I'm doing it. And he let me stay at his house for a whole month. And I just remember this is the first red flag. Well, second, because it's the first was he was in the military. Second red flag. I remember specifically I was at his house ironing his clothes. Oh my god, I don't know what the fuck I. Was thinking trying, like thinking I was some sort of housewife. I don't know why. I was ironing his clothes, and I just remember specifically he got a call from someone, and this person called. He picked up the phone and he said, Hey, can I call you back? The person that's watching Kelly is here. And in my mind, I'm like, not a friend. I'm not called a friend. I'm not like called by name. Like, it's just, I'm simply just called by the person who's watching Kelly is here. And at this point, it's like November 1st, so I've known him for two months, which is very odd. Very, very odd. That was the second red flag that I realized about him. At the time, obviously, I was like, oh, this is like a red flag. But I just like kept that in the back of my mind and was just like, okay, I don't know if I'm overanalyzing this, I don't know if like I should be upset on who he referred to me as. But it was just a little weird. So because I like dedicated a whole month to living at this man's house, watching his dog house sitting. First of all, the house was a pig sty. I ended up cleaning the whole house. I told myself, if I have to live in this house for a whole month, I need to clean everything. I cleaned up everything on the kitchen table, on the counters, I cleaned all the carpets and made sure the room was clean, the bathroom was clean. It was just a pig sty in there. And so pretty much I also found myself deleting all of the like dating apps. I was only on grinder. I didn't have any like serious dating apps. I deleted grinder. When I deleted grinder, though, I didn't realize, and I didn't even get to think about if he was still on the apps. Again, I was just so infatuated by what I was giving him that I didn't even think about if he was still messaging other guys, talking to other men. I didn't even know. I just simply was just like, okay, this is what I'm doing, this is where I'm rolling. Cool. I deleted the apps, didn't really think much of it, ended up moving to this man's house for a whole month, and that's it. Lived there for a whole month, you know. It was really convenient just because he was very central to San Diego. So it took like 10 minutes from, you know, his house to both jobs, and versus like 35 minutes from where my mother lives, which it we live more far east, so it was just an easier commute. And at this point, I'm realizing that I'm getting a little bit more emotionally attached because I'm deleting these dating apps, I'm not really meeting up with anybody, if not at all. And I'm just kind of so fixated and just giving him all of that attention. And he would email me because that's the only way they they could communicate because they're out of C. We would communicate through email, he would check up on me, check up on the dog, and I remember he came home in early December. So he came back as chief. He left as chief select, came back as chief. And at this point, I just remember just going a little back to the end of November. I just specifically remember, um, I guess looking back at it now, I realized that I was creating this like fantasy relationship because I was going to his house, cleaning his room, making his bed, walking his dog, you know, waiting for him to come home in the evening time and hang out with him. Like those are things that people in relationships would do as like an everyday routine. And I kind of liked that feeling. I liked that feeling that, you know, he had someone to come home to. And I think he started realizing he enjoyed the idea of what I was doing, but he knew that nothing else would come further from it. I remember I was at my friend's house, my best friend, and we had a conversation. I don't know how this even came about, but we ended up talking about like, you know, the safety of using protection during sex. And I was always good and bad with it. You know, I kind of was in patches where I would use protection, not use protection. You know, I would get tested, but not on the regular, not every three months like I should. I wasn't on prep. And I just specifically remember like her stressing to me, like, okay, I think you need to be a little bit more mindful of getting tested. And I think it's good to just go to the doctor and just get a checkup. And I did. I went to the doctor, I think, during that week, and I got a checkup and didn't really think much of it. I remember getting back my my results right before he came back in December. So remember, this is in November. I took my test, got my results, and from my understanding, they came back negative. He comes back in December, and the week that he came back, it was a Thursday. Now, this is where timelines are really important, and so I just remember he came back Thursday. I was at work about to leave. He called me as I was clocking out and he said, Hey, I'm back in town, come over. And of course, I had all my stuff at the house, so obviously I was gonna go over anyways. I remember going over, and now I'm realizing at this point, I'm like, dang, like, I think I really like this guy. Like, I have these feelings of missing him. And because I had previously mentioned that I was creating this emotional attachment to him, these feelings of me missing him cause me to start liking him. And so I was just like, oh, this is interesting. Uh I don't really know what to think of it, but I'm just gonna go with it and like him, I guess. And so, you know, I go over, I see him for the first time, we give each other a big hug for a long time, and I want to say we banged. I think we banged, which is like no surprise. I don't necessarily know what happened the rest of Thursday, but all I can remember was Friday. Now, Friday is when it starts to get really interesting because Friday night I was working at the gym because I worked Friday night, Saturday night. I remember he had an event, a work event. Because they had come back from deployment and he had become chief, there was some sort of celebratory event and regarding that deployment. Don't really know what the event was, but it was host it was being hosted in Coronado at one of these like nice hotels. It wasn't the hotel Dell, it was one that was like close to one of the bases. And so I remember he was at this event, and from my understanding, was he was going to come home from the event, and I was gonna meet him after I got off work because I got off work around 10, and that's the time frame that the event was over. And so I just remember going home, and because he's the original owner, like Kelly, the dog, was just starting to become just a bitch. Like at first, like she was just a she's a bitch regardless. Like, she just isn't nice, she's not a nice dog, like she has to warm up to you. Well, at least to me, she wasn't. And at the time I was a little bit scared of her because she was kind of a big dog, and I remember specifically, uh, I come to the house, I have to take her out for a walk, and she's not letting me take her out. She's being really aggressive, like she tries biting me, and I'm just like, dude, like what the fuck? Like, I watched you for a whole month and you were fine the whole time. You didn't give me a hard time, and now that Chief Kelly's back, you want to be a bitch to me. I'm like, okay, cool, whatever. And so I just remember I texted Chief Kelly and I said, Hey, like, Kelly's just giving me a really hard time. Like, I don't really know what to do. She doesn't want to eat. I, you know, somehow managed to take her out for a walk just to use the bathroom, but like, I don't I I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's if it's because you're here that she just like doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, or I don't know what's up. And he ended up FaceTiming me, and I just remember him telling me that he got a free hotel room that he won apparently as like a prize, and that he was gonna stay at this hotel for the night. Now, in my mind, I'm thinking, oh, great, like we got a free hotel room. We, including me, and I'm just thinking, oh, like I'm gonna stay at a hotel tonight, like it's gonna be a vibe, like we're gonna have like wine, we're just maybe go by the pool, you know, just kind of decompress, you know. He won a free room, so like why wouldn't he invite me? And he asked me, as I was on FaceTime with him, do you mind watching Kelly for the night? Oh, I look back and I'm just like, man, would my response be different if it was now? And that's when I told him I was like, Look, I'm really glad that you got this room and I'm glad it was free and you won this, but I don't want to be the bearer or an inconvenience to you, but your dog is being a bitch. I just remember specifically saying, like, Kelly's being a bitch, like she doesn't want me to feed her, she doesn't want me to take her out, barely managed to take her out. I don't really know what to do, she doesn't want to eat, she tries to bite me, I don't I can't get close to her, and then she keeps barking at me. And honestly, at this point, I just kind of felt really defeated because I'm like, cool, like I watched this dog for a whole month and now she doesn't want anything to do with me. Like, I feel like I can't do it right, you know. I don't know why I got so in my head about like I got insecure about like not being able to take care of her. I don't really know. I just kind of became sappy and like upset about it. Don't really know why, looking back, but I did. And he was like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I don't know why she's being like that. And he ended up telling me, he's like, you know what? I'm not gonna take the free room. I'm gonna give it to one of my friends, and I'm gonna let them stay in the room. They're a couple, and I'm just gonna let them have the free room. And I'm just like, well, I don't want you to lose the opportunity to like have like a free room. Like, and then I started feeling bad because I was like, well, damn, like I don't want to be the reason that he's not gonna be staying at this like free hotel room at this resort. But in the back of my mind, I'm like, well, good, like get your ass home and take care of this dog. And so I just remember him explaining to me, like, oh, honestly, it's gonna work out in my benefit because like this couple is gonna watch Kelly while I'm away on deployment for six months. And I'm like, okay, cool, like whatever. If that's how you want to look at it, by all means, go right ahead. He ended up Ubering home, and when he came home, like he was pretty drunk, like he was more than tipsy, and I was just like, okay, like let's go to bed. We ended up walking the dog together, we went to bed, and then he ended up throwing up, and I just was like at this point, I'm like, what am I doing? Like, how did I get in this position that I'm in? I just remember he was really embarrassed. I'm like, dude, like who gives a fuck? Like, you vomited because you drank so much you drank too much wine, like literally cry me a river. Like, who gives a shit? And we ended up going to bed the next morning was Saturday. I remember having that day off. And we went to get massages because when we were emailing each other while he was away, I hadn't mentioned, like, oh, like a massage sounds really good. And he was like, Yeah, massage sounds really good because I've been working crazy hours and my body's like tired, and then I was like, Well, when you come back, like we should go get a massage together. So we ended up getting a massage. I remember having dinner with him that night. So not only did I feel a little off about the quote unquote free hotel room Saturday night after dinner. We were laying on the couch together, and I remember we were watching you because at the time you was like super big, and we were watching an episode, and he was like browsing through the web on Amazon. He was really obsessed with this like mug from Stanley or from Hydro Flask. I don't really know what it was which brand it was, but he was wanting to get this mug for when he went on deployment, and so I was just like, oh cool, like he's just like we're just like doing our thing, whatever. And I just remember specifically when he was on his computer, I was watching TV. There is a notification, a text message that slid through on the right side of the computer, and it was just titled Mitchell. And this person, Mitchell, messaged him saying, Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you're doing okay with the heart emoji. And I was just like, That's a little weird. Like, I don't know, I just didn't get the friend vibe from it. I kind of just felt like it was a little bit more like more in depth than just a friend. And I was just like, okay, like that was a little weird. I don't know, just something in like my gut just felt like it wasn't, it was someone more than just a friend. And I convinced myself otherwise that it wasn't. And so I remember after that we ended up going to bed the next morning. I was like, okay, you know what? I need to get the fuck out of here. Like, I'm I need to leave. Like, I don't want to overstay my welcome. Like, I did my job. He also paid me, by the way. So this was something that I I voluntarily did, but he felt bad in a way, so he like paid me to watch his dog watch the house, whatever. I wasn't like that type of person to be like, oh my god, like where's my money type of deal. Like, if he remembered, he remembered if he didn't, cool. I want to say he paid me total, maybe like $750, because there was two different, like, separate payments. He paid me $400 once, and then like the rest, like towards the end. And so I just specifically remember, like, that Sunday, I was like, okay, you know what? I need to go home. Like, I'm ready to go home. I need to get out. I'm starting to feel suffocated. I think he's starting to feel suffocated, and that was it. During those two weeks, he just kind of like went like MIA and barely got Snapchats, wasn't getting any more FaceTime calls, barely got a call. If I got a call, it'd be like, hey, sorry, I've just been so busy. And within these two weeks, now my head is going crazy because not only was I told, like, oh, the person who's watching Kelly is here. Let me call you back. Oh, I have a free hotel room. Like, can you watch Kelly? Oh, there's a text from this man named Mitchell. Like, haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you're doing okay with the heart. And so now I'm just like telling all of my friends at this point, everybody that I know, I'm just like exposing my business out to everybody, not just my close friends, but like my coworkers, my gym friends, my coworkers at the gym, like co-workers at Home Depot. And I think because this was my first time experiencing not something serious, but I was giving my emotional availability to someone. So it was something that meant something to me. I was being more vulnerable with someone emotionally, physically. And so I wanted to get advice, I wanted to get insight. And so, you know, I was telling everybody what happened. And I don't really remember what anybody was really saying. All I really remember is me and my best friend having like deep conversations about this situation. And I just know with all of these red flags, I convinced myself that they were not red flags. And I went two weeks convincing myself, you know what, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just wanted a night to himself after deployment. Maybe it was just a friend, Mitchell, that was checking up on him. Maybe he wasn't ready to call me a friend after two months. But because I was naive at the time, I allowed myself to convince myself that these red flags were not red flags. And that's a big thing because I feel like a lot of men and a lot of women convince themselves that red flags are not red flags, that they're either yellow flags, it's something that's mutual, or it's something that can be convinced as green. I knew deep down inside that I felt this, you know, inconvenience to myself of I'm not doing myself a favor here. You know, going crazy or constantly overthinking. Now that he's absent, this is where the anxious attachment starts. Now that he is absent, I'm going crazy and I'm going like my mind is going bonkers, wondering what's he doing, who's he with. Does he like realize that like I just like helped him out tremendously? And now I just feel like I'm just kicked to the dust. During those two weeks, I I was like, you know what? Because I like this man at this point, and I'm 22, he was 30. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna do it. I think I'm gonna grow a pair of balls and I'm gonna text him how I really feel about him. And so I did. I just uh said, you know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna text him. And I said, Hey, I hope you're doing good. Or I just wanted to express to you that I have created these feelings towards you, and I wanted to see where your mind's at with things. He texted me back saying, like, you know, thank you for sharing how you feel. I think it's best that we talk about this in person. I said, Great, when should we meet? Set a date, and I remember driving over to his house. I was super nervous, and I was listening to classical music because I was like, I need something to like level my mind. I don't want lyrics, I just want soothed, calming music. You know, my friend was messaging me like as I was on my way, like just you know, encouraging me, being the best support that she could, knowing everything from start to where I'm at now with this man. And I go over. It was nice seeing him, it was really refreshing, you know, seeing him after two weeks. Like, I don't know, it just kind of felt weird. I do remember in the text message too, I kind of like called him out on like, hey, like, where have you been? I feel like I haven't heard from you. And I remember specifically, and this is kind of what triggered me too, and it's a really important piece to this story. He remember, I remember him saying, Hey, I'm sorry, I've just been with my people. I'm like, what does that even mean? Like, my people, like if you're your friends, they have enough respect to be called friends, or if you're with your family, you don't call your family my people. Like, you call them your family. Like, it was just a very weird verbiage that he was using, and I just didn't fuck with the vocabulary, to be quite honest with you. And I think because I was so overthinking a lot of things in my head, anything that was just being said that wasn't sitting right just became an automatic trigger. It just like didn't sit right with me. But even to this day, I'm just like, if you're with your friends, you say, Hey, I've I've been with my friends, or hey, my family came into town. You don't really say like my people. Like, what? I don't know. Maybe it's just that's just me. Maybe I'm just being weird, but that's something that was really significant alongside the message of me like confessing that I like this kid. So I go in person, meet up with him. I'm very honest, very transparent. I feel like I just had the balls to just express how I really felt about him. And essentially, he gently. Rejected me by describing, you know, everything as like it's not gonna be in my benefit because he's going away on deployment, and he kind of used his work as an excuse, which I mean physic physically, he wasn't gonna be there, and there was no telling if he was ever gonna come back to San Diego, or actually, you know what? I take that back, he was gonna come back into San Diego, but he didn't know for how long. And so I just remember specifically him, you know, saying that he quote unquote had the same feelings for me, but he didn't want to get into anything serious due to his job. Now, I also expressed to him that I feel like me trying to, you know, get any sort of ounce of vulnerability or transparency out of him was just like trying to like jump over the wall of China, is what I literally verbalized to him. I said, it's just very frustrating how you don't really express like anything that's heartfelt. You're very surface level. And I'm just trying to understand you a little more, and I'm just trying to have some sort of like clarification. Do you really like me? Do you want to pursue anything or not? Obviously, it took a minute, but he eventually said, like, no, like this is unfortunately just gonna work out. I said, Okay, cool, we'll leave it as that. So after we had the talk, I was just like, you know what? I don't need to be disappointed. And even though I was upset, he was still there. We ended up like hanging out the rest of the evening, and we went to Lowe's because now it's time for him to pack. He's leaving his apartment, he's cutting his lease short, and he's putting all his stuff in storage, the rest is going on sale, and he's going to be living on a boat for six months across the world, and everything else is in storage. So everything in that house gotta go. And of course, who would I be if I wasn't gonna help him? Because I'm just so nice and so considerate and very generous with my time. I still wanted to be there for him as a friend, I guess you can say. And so I was. I would go over to his house and help him out any way I could. I remember that night from the talk that we had, he actually opened up to me about his previous relationship that he had with his ex. I just remember specifically him talking about how they lived together, and then out of the blue, he came home one day with a note, and in the note it said that he was really grateful for the experience he had with Chief Kelly, but he just had to leave. Now, again, I'm only getting one side of the story from this man, so I don't really know what was going on behind closed doors, but I'm just gonna presume that, you know, this ex-boyfriend of his was already like going through some things that he wasn't ready for, or maybe he just wasn't ready to commit, or there could be a million things, you know, or maybe he just didn't like the way you know Chief Kelly acted towards him, or maybe he did something to him, who knows? But I just remember the note, he was pretty much saying, like, thank you for everything, I'm gone, like I'm dipping out, and he dipped out, and that was like the last time that Chief Kelly saw this man, and he pretty much abandoned him. And I remember specifically telling him, I was like, Oh my gosh, like I can't like fathom being in a committed relationship where you live with someone and them just like leaving a note saying they're gone. Like that abandonment alone is just I wouldn't want to trust anybody, to be quite honest. So then I started putting the pieces together. I'm like, well, if it wasn't for your job, I can see why you aren't willing to commit to someone because of how deeply hurt you were by this abandonment. Hint why you have this avoidant attachment because you have been abandoned, so you fear rejection, you fear being left, you fear like everything is fear-based. You have convinced yourself, why would I even bother? Knowing that the possibilities of being left are high given my past. This is like just a little bit of the psychology that was going through my mind at the time, and I was explaining to him, you know, everything that had happened internally. And I'm like, fuck, I feel like I'm your therapist now, like you need to pay me for that. Like, hello. And so I just felt so sad for him. And I was just like, damn, like, this is some deep shit that like people go through. And this is not even just like for military men, this is just for like men in general, and I feel like both women and men have experienced this abandonment from relationships that is just like shit, like it it just takes getting to know someone a little bit about their story to understand why they are the way they are, and when we take the time to sit down and get to know someone, the pieces will all add up and it will paint this picture. It may not be a pretty one, but it's a it's one that you'll be able to see and understand. And so that dinner was really cool, and we had a great time. I remember going home and then I saw him one more time before the last time I saw him. The last night that I saw Chief Cali was very sad because I felt like I was living in the end of a chapter physically. You know, the first time I came to this house, it was nicely furnished, it was very bright, it was very cool, you know. His furniture was really like industrial and live music and on the TV, and it was just it was just really cool. And to go into this house that's now empty, there's no more lights, there's no furniture, there's no bed, and I'm just like, damn, like this is truly the end of an era. And so I just remember helping him move the last bit of things in his house into the storage unit. And yeah, I mean, I remember specifically giving him a gift, and I gave him a gift of the coffee mug that he was constantly looking at and talking about all the time, and I gave him a portrait of uh his dog Kelly because he loves his dog, and he was so upset to leave his dog. So I was like, you know what? I made you this cute little portrait that I found on Etsy. This girl creates live photos and like transplants them onto like some like water art like portrait. It was really, really cute and really, really thoughtful. And I was like, you know what? You can put this on your locker or next to your bed, um, just to know like your dog's with you while you're gone. I don't know. It was just something super cute, and it's just like the romantic side of me. I've always been romantic and always been a little bit more thoughtful. And that's something that I really love about myself, and I, you know, cherish that. And I don't allow a lot of people to access that part of me just because, like, if I do something really meaningful for you, it means that I truly care about you and I love you. Not to say that I loved him, but like for my family, for my my closest friends, and just people that I care about. Like it means something to me. And so I just remember him liking it and he gave me that look at the end. Like, I hugged him. It was like a very heartfelt moment, and then it just became very kinky. He looked at me, he's like, You want to do it for the last time? I'm like, Well, sure, why not? And so I just remember we ended on a really good note, and then yeah, that was the last time I saw him. It was literally December 31st, 2021. Come January, he's gone. That was the last time I saw him, and now we're transitioning to emails. So I remember specifically I was on a trip to Vegas with my friends. I was I have friends back in Vegas, and we were visiting all of them, gathering together, hanging out just for a little trip. And I just specifically remember I was at my friend's house and I get an email. And all it says is his government name at Navy.mil. And I'm just like, what the fuck? And it's just like this really sweet short email saying, Hey, like, how are you? I'm thinking about you, how's life been? X, Y, and Z. And so now I'm realizing that we are exchanging emails periodically, and almost like pen pal vibes, like, he's asking me what I'm doing, he's asking me like how life has been, what I'm up to in the next couple of months. And I was telling him it's my birthday in March, like, I'm doing this, I'm going to this concert, I'm doing this for work and whatever. And honestly, I think back and I'm just like, despite like me not having anything serious with this guy, despite me thinking of these like red flags about him, like if at the end of the day, he was a really cool guy. And I just rolled with that because at the end of the day, he didn't need to email me anymore. He could have just been like, you know what, he was cool, don't want to deal with him anymore, type deal. So I'm not even gonna communicate with him. But no, he took the time, he wanted to like still keep some sort of connection with me and on a friendship level, and so he did. And I also think, too, because since one thing that I've realized about deployment is it gets really lonely really quickly. You're in this, you're such in this confined space for so long that everyone around you is just driving you crazy. So any sort of like communication like on the outside is like really enjoyable. I remember getting a phone call from him too while I was at a dinner with my friends, like just having some sort of connection from the outside world is really nice, and so despite me thinking we're some sort of like pen pal, I'm like, you know what? Like, if he needs to hear from someone back home, then so be it. Like, I could only imagine being on a boat, and I I just couldn't do military or deployment, it literally would just terrify me, and all my friends who have been in it say it's like legit hell and it's just not the vibe. February comes. Now, February is when shit hits the fan. Because you know, I was so dedicated and so loyal and just so modest with this man from September, October, November, December. Come January, baby. I was just like on a rampage. I went back on the app and I just felt like I was like making up for lost time. Like I just went crazy on these apps. Like I was like hooking up left and right, just like really getting the vibe, and just I don't know. I just was really, really, really horny. Also, I'm like 22 at the time, so it's just like, what do you expect for a 22-year-old to do? Just sit at home and twiddle his thumbs. Like, no, I was definitely, definitely enjoying my time. And I remember I was like, you know what? I've been messing around a lot. So why don't I get tested? So I remember going back to the same doctor, and the last time I was tested was in November. So December, January, February. I'm on my third month, which is like normal, you know. Typically, you get tested every three months. And I was using protection at this time, so I was like, you know, I want to be a little bit more mindful, just a little bit more like considerate of my body. So let me just, you know, use protection as much as I can to my ability. I remember going back to the doctor, and the doctor told me while I was there, she's like, So did you get your uh prescription from last time? I said, What? And then she was like, Yeah, your your your prescription. I said, What prescription? I said, wait, that's I'm I'm Julian. Like I use my government and I said, I'm Julian. She's like, Yeah, I I know you are. I said, So what prescription do I need? And she's like, Well, for Clemity and Gonorrhea. I said, I'm sorry for what? She's like, Yeah, your your results came back positive for Clemity and Gonerria. I said, from November, and she had said, Yes. And she said, Did you not see the email? I said, I didn't get any email, nor in my results from the portal you guys had, it didn't show any positive result for anything, from my understanding. Oh my gosh, like I'm so sorry, like they should have called you, they should have texted you. Honestly, I don't looking back now, I don't know if they did text me or if they did call me. Because typically the protocol is if you if there's a positive result for any STI, they call you, the doctor will call you. And so I was just like, Well, I didn't get a call, so I mean I guess I'm good. And from the portal, it it seemed like I was good. There was no positive result on anything, so I just presumed that I was good, but apparently I wasn't, and so I was just like, wait a minute. I said, This was from November, right? And she said, Well, yeah. I said, Oh, okay. And it all started to make sense, and all the pieces started to add up. I quickly realized that this motherfucker gave me chlamydia and gonorrhea. You're probably asking, well, how how do you know it was him? And here's how I know because in September he was the only person that I was with. October, he was the only person that I was with. From my previous, previous, I was good. I wasn't hoeing it around after Brazilian guy, okay? I emailed this motherfucker so quickly, and let me tell you, because we were exchanging emails already, you know, it took him like a week, five days, four days, longest I think was two weeks. And I was just like, you know what? He's getting a really nasty email right now, and I emailed him because at the time I was working at Home Depot in merchandising, and I had to be up at 4 a.m. I emailed him at 3 50. I remember specifically because it was right before I was going to work, and I said flat out, I said, I just went to the doctors and I got tested, it came back positive for chlamydia and gonorrhea. I need you to be completely honest with me. While we were hanging out, talking, I guess you can say whatever you want to call it, from September to December, was there anybody else that you were messing around with other than me? Oh my gosh. At this point, I just felt like my life was a movie. One thing I will say about this man is because he got caught red-handed, there is no point in lying. He could have been a complete dick and just ignored my emails and said, honestly, fuck off. Like, I don't need to deal with you anymore. Like, I'm moving on with life. Or he could have just lied and said, No, it wasn't me. Like, go figure it out. But no. This is the only time where I would say that this man was mature. And he didn't have to explain or justify or even give me an answer. But he did. Which was really interesting because the next email that I got was a photo, a PDF of his test results from October, which honestly didn't mean anything because from October 1st, his results said that he was in the clearing. He was negative on everything, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't, he couldn't have hooked up with someone. While I got my test done in November, end of November, and they came back positive. He was still messing around with me all of October. So I asked him, and his response was very, very honest. He confessed that he was meeting up with someone other than me during that time, and I just was just so in distraught. I felt like such an idiot because I felt like I gave so much time and energy and my attention to this kid, knowing that he was still fucking around other people, and I just didn't catch that. I allowed myself to put all my eggs in one basket. I was so fixated on just hanging out with him that I didn't realize that he was clearly putting his eggs in other baskets too. And I was just like, damn. And so, you know what? He got a novel. And when I mean a novel, I mean we at this point were exchanging emails that were like astronomically long, like to the point where I would have to read it and like marinate on it for like a couple days because it was just so much content and so much information to read. And pretty much I just, you know, was just so upset. And I just became very transparent with him. I said, look, I gave so much of my time, my energy to you, and this is what I get in return. Like, I felt like I was like doing you a solid, and you were doing me a solid, and I expressed to you how I felt. I told you that I liked you, and for you to be like messing around with other guys just shows how shitty you are. And I also just decided to mention the Carnado situation. I decided to mention this the Mitchell situation. I mentioned being referred to as person watching Kelly. And so I was like, you know what? Fuck it. If you're if you're gonna expose like the red flag of you messing around with other people, then I'm just gonna expose all the other red flags. And yeah, the guy that was messaging him on uh text message was in fact his ex. The hotel room, I wanna say was actually legit just a hotel room, like it wasn't anything like crazy, but I felt like he was doing it to meet up with someone that I felt like was true. And then the person that was referred to as Kelly's the person that's watching Kelly was I don't really remember the justification for that one, to be quite honest. I think he just apologized for that. He didn't really think much of it. Um, but everything that I was thinking was not just me overthinking, it was in fact very factual and very true. So trust your instincts. If you see red flags, don't convince yourself otherwise. So now at this point, I am just so upset. And what made it more upsetting is knowing that I actually caught feelings for this man. I caught feelings for an individual who was one, nowhere shape or form ready to come in. Two, he was sneaky and shady, you know, behind closed doors. And three, there was never anything that was gonna happen between him and I. And then I started realizing I was like, okay, so those two weeks that he went MIA, did another person come? And at this point, all these presumptions, I'm sure, were true. I mean, all the other four presumptions or the three presumptions that I had were true. So I'm like, well, I'm sure in those two weeks, my people was actually just some other fucking hoe. Or, you know, someone that he knew that he c he brought over and was hanging out with him for those two weeks. I don't know. But at this point, I was like, you know what? I'm gonna take time to myself. And I remember. Just having a lot of time to think, marinate, process, heal. And I was upset. And I wasn't upset because of him specifically. I was just upset of what I was giving to someone that I wasn't receiving back. I ended up writing my last official email. And this email, I pulled it up on my phone because I want to read the email verbatim. It's not super long, which is why I want to read it, but I want you to understand like everything that I was like feeling and realizing for the next two weeks was put into language in this email. I titled it Hello Goodbye. I wanted to be very artsy. I wanted to be very creative. I felt like I wanted to leave with a bang. I wanted him to realize like, you know what, you fucked up. Like I'm better than you, and you're not like I'm more emotionally mature than you, and you have a lot of shit to work on. And honestly, you're just losing out. Not only as like someone who could actually like be there for you, but like as a friend. And this is the email. Chief Kelly. I hope this email finds you well, considering it will probably be the last email I send your way. I know my last email was a big pill to swallow, so I was in no rush for a response right away. If anything, I was hoping you took time and really absorbed everything. I know your last email could have gone in two different directions, but I was really hoping it wasn't this one. Despite all that occurred, I can't express to you how grateful I feel to have met a man like you. You will always be reminisced in my memories. I took a great length of time to myself and found myself healing and reflecting on the value and worth of my soul. My revelation is this I have awakened to this bliss of not acknowledging my worth and value. Not just my body, but my heart and my inner soul. The reason why I said not just my body, but my inner soul is because I felt like I was just very promiscuous, my body. And before meeting up with him, I really felt like I just, you know, just like to fuck around a lot. I was always doing casual hookups. But there was something about him that shifted that. Something about him that just shifted understanding, like, no, like you do have worth. It's not just like you don't have to give your body, or people aren't just gonna like see you as just like some like piece of meat. Like, there's something to you that brings a lot of worth and a lot of value that one person one day will understand. Let me continue. Seeking the inner connection and not just the physical. For 10 years, I've had this idea of thinking so low of myself. My actions used to be cheap, but now I'm refining the gold that I am. But you were the one, believe it or not, that changed and turned the cycle. With all the ashes that occurred, great beauty has arised. I told you last year that I wanted to resurrect joy back into my life. I feel like the joy is settling in and now I can receive. I'm sorry that things didn't work out. Salavi. I, of course, have still many questions that ponder my mind, but a wise woman once told me the mystery is sometimes best left in history. At this point, it would just be added information with the possibility of creating more sadness if I asked. These days haven't been easy. Losing you has been painful. Oh god, not me getting all sappy. Losing you has been painful, but now I'm better for it, and I still continue to heal. I wish you the best of luck with work as you journey ahead with the opportunity of going across the globe. Your hard work is recognized, and anybody would be a fool to not allow you to reach the dreams of your job. I believe in you, Chief Kelly. I personally won't be reaching out moving forward, and I don't expect you to keep in contact with me when you return to the States. I hope your journey on deployment goes well, and I wish you the best of luck. Take care, Chief Kelly. Jay. It sounds really cheesy now that I look back, but I really wanted to create not only this very poetic metaphorical like statement, but I really wanted him to understand, like, look, like I genuinely at 22 years old am growing so much, and I'm from you alone, I'm learning so much about myself, um, not only about my body, but internally in my soul, in my spirit, and like there's nothing that is more rewarding than realizing that someone lost out on that, and you have only everything to gain. So, with that being said, that was my crazy experience with someone that I would consider more friends with benefit. Now, the next episode is gonna be with someone who was a little bit more serious, but still very, very juicy and a little bit more toxic. So, I'll see you guys next time.