Men-tioned: Arizona Boy

In this episode of Men-tioned, I’m sharing the story of Arizona Boy — someone closer to my age, ambitious, driven, and focused on his goals, but also someone who was still hiding a major part of himself.

What started as attraction, quickly turned into a complicated connection built around secrecy, mixed emotions, and wanting more from someone who realistically couldn’t give me what I needed. As feelings grew, so did the tension of being involved with someone who wanted intimacy behind closed doors but distance in public.

“Men-tioned: Arizona Boy” is a reflection on falling for potential, ignoring reality, and the toxic dynamics that can form when love, secrecy, and unmet needs collide.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of It's a Guy Thing. And today's video I'm going to be talking about the second person that I had somewhat of a serious commitment to. Uh today's episode is a good one because in the previous episode about Chief Kelly, you saw a really naive side of me. You saw a very clueless side of me just going into the works with not knowing how to um navigate a relationship, what that looks like, you know, getting my heart broken a little bit, catching me by surprise with a couple of things, being in shocked with, you know, feeling blindsided and feeling a little betrayed and a little taste of life of being in a relationship. So today's episode, I am going to explain my next journey and what that looked like. And again, I really just want you guys to observe my actions, the patterns that I have, and the characteristics and the traits that I still carry to this day, good and bad, things that I, you know, think highly of myself, and things that I am trying to still work on to this day. So let's just dive right on in. So I am going to classify as this individual as Arizona boy. And honestly, I kind of have erased majority of what I did with this man out of my memory just for the sole purpose of moving on with life. But because I want to be able to explain my journey and what I've gone through and hopefully being able to relate to others and you relate to me, I really sat down, and as I was writing this transcript, I was like, okay, like this is gonna happen. Like, I'm gonna sit down from beginning to end and write down what I can remember, and honestly, I did a pretty good job because I started to realize a lot of things that I did, a lot of memories, a lot of things came up from you know the dead, and I was just like, Ugh, I don't really know how I feel about this, and there were actually a couple times where I had to stop just because I was like, you know what, this is really heavy, you know. I feel like I'm resurrecting a bunch of things that I you know came to a close with, and I no longer had to worry about, but because I want to be very transparent and very honest with you guys, I know it's worth it, and so I took a lot of time with this transcript actually, and I wrote it about three weeks ago, so almost a month, and typically it takes me like 20 minutes to write a transcript. It doesn't really take long, you're just writing down notes of like what you want to talk about. But this one just was a little bit different, I think, because I actually had a really deep connection with this person, and I was just like, damn, like it's really not it, like it he really isn't like someone that I you know foresee myself long term, and it's been over three two years, so let's just begin. So I met Arizona Boy back in summer of 2022. Now, after Chief Cali, that was no uh January, February, February is where things just hit the fan, and I was like, you know what? My last email, peace out, I'm out, and I took a little bit of time to heal and really collect my thoughts, really collect my emotions, and after that I felt confident enough and felt like I was in a place to put myself out there again. So I did. I went back on Tinder, I downloaded Bumble again, and you know, I was on the hunt to find something a little bit more on the serious side. Yes, I still found myself like doing a little fling here and there, a little hookup here and there, but my intentionality was I want to find someone where I have a more meaningful connection because I'm not really one to just want to hoe it around, and that's completely it. Like, no, I am a person of emotion, I love to find deep connections at the time. I started realizing I was a little bit of a hopeless romantic, and I didn't necessarily know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but I was definitely on this journey of trying to find something more meaningful. So, how did I meet Arizona Boy? I remember specifically at the time I was working at Home Depot in merchandising department, and I was on Bumble like at five o'clock in the morning, just like swiping left and right. It was my break, and I remember on Bumble I saw this really cute man. He was 23, I was 23. This is back in 2022, so we're going on the 2025, so it's about three years ago, and I was like, okay, he's really cute. I loved his profile. He had really good photos. He had a photo of him in a really nice suit, very formal. He had a photo of him on a jet ski, which I was like, okay, cool. He's a little bit more adventurous. His uh prompts were really good, he had great captions, he had all his stats on there. I was like, okay, cool, like I vibe with this guy, he's really cute. So I swiped, we matched, and I was like, okay, cool. Didn't really think much of messaging him first. I I think I just had to go back to work, and then that was it. I think we did message briefly, but then I never got a response back. Like we messaged briefly. I was like, hey, how are you? At some point I caved in and I messaged him, How are you? How are you doing? And um, we like chit-chatted for a little bit, and then I never heard from him, so I was like, Okay, cool, whatever. I move on with life. I'm not really thinking much of it. Then I was on Tinder, same scenario. I was in the break room around five o'clock, six o'clock in the morning on my break, and I see the same kid, and so I was like, okay, like I don't know, should I? And this is where I started like fighting myself. I was like, should I like like him again? Should I not? Like, I genuinely was wrestling with myself, and I remember so vividly, I can just picture it right now. I was wrestling between should I match with this guy or not? Again, just because I didn't want to look like an idiot because I had already matched with him on bumble, and then it went nowhere. And so I was like, okay, like I guess I can try again. So I was like, you know what, I'll just take the risk. I took the risk, I swiped right, and we matched. And so I was like, okay, cool, like something has to come up because we matched on Bumble, we have matched on Tinder, what the hell? And so pretty much I was like, you know what, let me just message this kid. So I messaged him again and I I asked him, I said, I feel like we've messaged on Bumble before, but I don't know if I got ghosted or if he just got busy. I played a really nonchalant, I don't want to sound like that one of those people were like, Oh, you ghosted me, whatever. And he was like, Oh shit, like yeah, like I'm really super busy with school, and it just like slipped my mind, but I really am interested, and I was like, Okay, cool, bet. Like, let's continue messaging, and from that point on, we were messaging like very, very, very consistently to the point where like we were getting to know each other, getting to know like where he's from, uh, what he is doing in school, what he wants to do professional-wise, career-wise, where he's currently living, what his family dynamic is just the whole nine yards, the whole nine yards, and we had a lot in common politically, religiously, um, a lot in common with like family dynamics, uh, parent dynamics, like he him being close to his mom, his dad, um, his brothers, his siblings. I think he only had like two brothers. He was the youngest, so he was the baby, and um just really getting to know this kid, really getting to know what he's looking for, what he was all about, you know, and we our morals were very, very, very similar. Like, he had great banter, he know how to like crack a joke, like he was very funny, he got my humor, I got his humor, and so just like everything that we would do on the outside of work and school, like it was it, like we went to the same clubs, we were going out in the same party scene, and um, it was just a really great, it was really great conversation. I was like, I have to meet this man in person, I just have to meet this man in person, and so I remember specifically, and this is when I started working two jobs. I was working at Home Depot and I started working at Nordstrom. This is when I just got hired at Nordstrom, I was working probably within two weeks. I just started working two weeks with the Nordstrom. I met up with this guy, and I work at a location that's really close to school, and so I was like, okay, great, like I can meet up with him before I go into work and just catch the vibe. And so my thought process was okay, if it doesn't work out, at least I know I can leave because I'm going to work. So that was my whole thought process of like, okay, if I don't vibe with this kid, I obviously have an excuse to leave. So I just remember specifically getting ready for work. I was texting him, I was like, hey, like, let's say hang out for a little bit, and we did. I went over, parked my car near his dorm, and the first impression was this man looks like a baseball player, like he looked such like a stud. And I was infatuated, he was so cute, just like his mannerism was just very like masculine, and he was very um just like like hot nerd vibe because he was a total nerd, like at heart, but like he just was a total vibe, and I loved that about him, and I was like, ooh, like he's really cute. Like, I don't know, like if I'm like uh like good enough for him. Like I just kind of started getting in my head and like started asking myself, like, oh my god, like I feel like this kid's like a little bit out of my league, but then I was like, snap out of it, like he's totally not, like, obviously, like I'm hot too. So that was that, and then I just remember going into his dorm, and yeah, it was a little awkward, you know. The first like couple of minutes, like we kind of were just like asking ourselves the same questions that we like would ask that we had already knew about each other on Tinder, and yeah, I just remember specifically at the time I was in my Doja Cat era, like I previously mentioned in my last episode. I was in this total doja cat like era. I loved listening to her when I went to go meet up with Chief Cali, and that continued with Arizona Boy. I loved Doja Cat, and I remember specifically, I didn't even say anything. He started playing music, and it was Doja Cat, and I was like, Okay, yeah, something's about to happen, and I'm here for it. Uh, we never had the intention of wanting to hook up right off the bat, and we really were just going with what the vibe was filling out, like we really wanted to fill out the vibe, and we did. And I just remember specifically like us looking at each other's eyes, and then he got closer, and boom, he just started making out with me, and it was so hot. One thing led to another, and we ended up doing oral, and uh yeah, that was that. I specifically remember that so vividly, and I'm thinking about it right now. I'm just like, wow, okay, that happened, and we didn't have that intentionality. We both were really pure in terms of like their conversation after. I was like, hey, like I just want you to know I'm not here solely just to hook up with you. I feel like you're a really cool guy, and I feel like we've gone to know each other on a more emotional connection through text, and I would really like to do that like in person as well. And he was on the same exact page, and he was like, I'm sorry if like I, you know, crossed a boundary or was moving a little too fast. I was like, No, like you're completely fine. Like, obviously, like I co-signed and I was like giving you consent to do something like that because I was also like not only in the mood, but like I really enjoyed that myself. But uh, I just wanted to make sure that I was being really intentional with him because I didn't want to miss out on an opportunity, and so what was the dynamic like after we met? Pretty much, like we started texting regularly because I worked literally five minutes from his dorm. I found myself going there a little bit more often. I remember specifically, and I wrote this down and I didn't remember this, but I remember the first day that I met him, I actually went back to his house that night, which was very like I don't really know how to describe it, but I think I was just like, oh my gosh, like I was just really giddy and really excited, and I couldn't like you know hold my composure at work. I was waiting like to be off. I was waiting to clock out just to go back to his house and hang out with him. Like it was a total vibe, he was feeling the same way. Um, but he was in school, so he was really giddy in school, really giddy in class, and just really anticipating to see me again, and we just really really kicked it off. You know, he was a really cool guy, and I was really excited to see where things were gonna go. I will have to say, one of the significant things that I really really liked during this time period of like getting to know each other, texting on the regular, our schedules were complete opposite, and because I worked two jobs, I really had to navigate like how am I gonna like make this work because at the time, like Monday through Wednesday, I was working at Home Depot from 4 a.m. to 12 30. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I was at Nordstrom. And so the nights or I should say the mornings that I worked at Home Depot, I would have to wake up at 3 to 3:30 in the morning. Now for him, he would go to bed at 3 or 3:30 in the morning because he was up all night doing schoolwork. And so when I would go to bed like around seven or eight, sometimes nine or ten, depending on like what I was doing, you know, we would say goodnight. We always said goodnight, and we always said good morning. That's one thing that I started to realize uh this time around is I really got into the habit and I really started to like getting good morning and goodnight text messages. I just felt really loved, I felt really cared for, I felt really seen, just because the first person that they're thinking of when they're saying good morning is me. So the first person they're thinking of is me. So I just found that really considerate, and the last person that they're thinking of is me because they're selling me goodnight. And so I don't know, I just found it really like thoughtful, considerate, and something that was really, really sweet. And so nights, I mean, well, in the mornings that I would work at Home Depot, um, I would go to bed earlier, he would tell me goodnight, and he said, I'll wake you up in the morning when you have to get up for work and before I go to sleep. So he would put me to bed pretty much, and then in the morning, as my alarm would go off, I would get a call every single morning from Monday through Wednesday, and it would be the sweetest thing ever. He I would pick up the phone, literally half dead, and he would be like, Good morning, like wakey wakey, like just a really cute, like bubbly, like cutesy like voice, and I just would melt every single morning because I thought I was so cute. On top of that, he would text me too, good morning, uh, and I was just like, Oh my god, like this is so so sweet and very considerate and very thoughtful. And that's one thing I really liked about this kid is just the effort, and these are start, these are things that I'm starting to realize that you know you would get in a relationship. There is consideration, there's effort, there was time being put into um spending time, quality time with an individual to get to know them. These things are things that I was not familiar with just because Chief Kelly just was a different vibe, like it wasn't like anything serious now that I look back at it. And as you can tell in my previous episode, like I was just really going with the flow, and I didn't have a backbone, and I didn't stand up for myself, and I didn't know what I want, I didn't know the standard of what it looks like to want something serious, and that's something that I felt like I was getting from Arizona Boy. Obviously, his name's Arizona Boy because he's from Arizona. Well, he was he was moving to Arizona at the time. He grew up in Calabasas, but his like family has like property in Arizona, and so they're they're pretty much rich actually, and they're Jewish, and I'm not Jewish, but we had a lot of similar um religious similarities, and um has like a couple brothers, mom and dad are still together, and very, very goal-oriented. I don't know why I didn't explain his background at all before, but just a quick rundown. Very goal-oriented, and he had this goal, and I'll never, never forget this goal. And I to this day I know for a fact it's gonna happen at some point. His goal is he wants to be a lawyer, and I 1000% believe he will be a lawyer. I don't know what type of lawyer, um, but he wants to go to law school, and at the time he was like seguing into law school, which is why he was in Arizona, I believe, and he told me his dream is by 30 years old, he wants to own a Rolls Royce, and I don't know what this man is gonna have to do, but he's like not dependent at all by like his parents' wealth, he is solely dependent on making his own money from scratch. Like this kid, like I know for a fact by 30, and I'll probably stalk the shit out of him in some way, shape, or form. I know he is going to have a Rolls Royce, probably like an abundance more. Like, I just see it, I feel it, I know it for him, and that's how confident I am because the way that I saw this man, like he was so goal goal-oriented, so driven, so passionate about what he believed in that there's just there's nothing that's gonna stop this kid, there really isn't, and I loved that about him. I loved the drive, it just was such a turn on. I would literally get so hard just thinking about it. Um, at the time, not now, like I moved on, but those are just things that I really, really like admired about him. And so, back to what I was saying before, I've never really experienced this before. So now that I'm experiencing this, I was like, great, like this is really cool. This is something that's not familiar, it's like new to me, and it's kind of creating like the standard of what I should be looking for in someone if they're gonna go that direction of relationship. So I met him around May, May-ish, April, May-ish, and of course, school's coming to an end, summer's approaching, and so I met him at the cusp of the semester being over, he's doing finals, and summer's about to begin. And so, what did that look like for us, you know, during the time that he was here in San Diego? We were going out, we've gone out a couple times. We were our at the time, I wasn't really exposed to anything other than PB. PB was like my origin, it was my first destination of going out. Very, very amateur of me. We just like really clicked, we really vibed with that. We would go out, I would sleep over. Um, we had a lot of sex, a lot of sex, and he was he was a good one in bed. I will have to say, probably top five for sure. Not to give him any credit for that, but definitely top five, and there's been a lot, there's been a lot of men in my life, I will say, but definitely top five. So that's all I'm gonna say about that. He doesn't deserve as much credit, but it is what it is, and we would text daily, checkups, and pretty much we were just obsessed with each other, genuinely obsessed with each other, and that's one toxic trait about myself that I started realizing is I didn't know how to I always felt if I wasn't messaging, if I wasn't engaging, if I wasn't um like talking to an individual, and this goes alongside not just him but other people, I felt like they would lose interest. And I feel like a lot of people can relate to that, and that's where a lot of clingingness comes from. Um therefore uh an anxious attachment is created, uh, is because I had this insecurity of if I am not constantly texting them, if I'm not in constant communication, talking to them, being with them in person, that they would lose interest in me. And it's a really silly thing to think about verbalizing it, but in reality, in the mind, it really messes with you, and it really starts to get in your head about it, just because there's so many other things that they can be doing, and I started to get really insecure and I started to overthink a lot, and this is where I'm starting to realize a lot about myself. I started to realize that I am an overthinker, that I'm really clingy, and I'm a hopeless romantic. Those are three things that I can vividly start to realize and recognize about myself during this time, and there was a time where you know we had a conversation on the phone. I remember this so specific, so specifically. Uh he was telling me he's like, look, like uh summer's coming and school's gonna be out and I'm gonna be going home for the summer. I'm going to Arizona, and I was like, okay, like what does that look like for us? Obviously, we both oh, there's another thing that I really really loved about him. There was a moment where you know, we sat down and we wanted to know like where this was gonna go, and pretty much we wanted to be a little bit more exclusive. We didn't want to talk to anybody else, so we deleted our apps together, and that was really, really cute and a really like cutesy moment for us, I guess you can say, just because I was like, oh my gosh, like I'm deleting a dating app just to be with a guy exclusively. Like, oh my gosh, like I feel like on top of the world, and that was just one thing that I wanted to mention. But going back to our conversation about him leaving for the summer, he just wanted to tell me he's like, you know what, like I'm going away for the summer, but obviously, like we're gonna stay in contact, like we're gonna I'm gonna try to come down to San Diego that way we can hang out and see each other. And um, he had a very, very realistic mindset, you know, and he never wanted to like play games um in terms of like his future, and uh he wanted to be very, very, very realistic when it came to you know where he was gonna go, what he wanted to do with life, you know. He we even have conversations because you know, he's like, if this gets serious, like is it's not realistic for you to move over here while I go to school. And obviously, like two weeks in, like, it it's a little dramatic and a little like unnecessary to have such a serious conversation about like us moving in together or or me moving from another state to another state, uh, just for a man. But I, you know, I always had the mentality of like, well, if you love someone, why wouldn't you want to do anything to make it work? That's my thought process at the time. I'm like, well, I really like you. I really want to be with you uh long term in the future. Like, of course I would move with you across, not even across the country, like one state down east. Like, there's plenty of Nordstroms where I'm at. And then he's like, Well, you have no friends. Like, how are you gonna like? And I said, Well, I can make friends. He's like, Okay, well, what if we don't work out? Then you're gonna what leave? I was like, come back to where I live. Like, I have a place here to stay, I have a home, I have family here. Like, if anything, if it didn't work out, then it just didn't work out, and I just come back to my roots. That's it, plain and simple. He's like, it's not that easy. And I'm like, Well, you don't make it, you make it difficult, you don't have to make it that difficult. Anyways, we just had this whole conversation about it, and um, I forgot to mention the biggest thing. Okay, one thing I love how I mentioned all the great things about him, but the biggest red flag, I don't know how I even forgot to leave this part out, but the only downfall with this kid was he was not out. You guys are gonna realize with me that this is a recurring pattern, and it gets me into a lot of trouble. That's okay. There's a lot of lore with it and a lot of underlying issues that I feel like I put myself in. We're working on it. Let's just say we're working on it still because I don't want to just settle for someone who is not secure enough to be in a relationship with me and not be out. Because his family was very religious and they were Jewish, he was not out to them. And I think he is the only man that I can confidently say, and my friends, like my best friend that met him, the only person that I'll talk about later in the episode, she met him. She would totally say otherwise. He was the only man in my eyes that just did not look gay at all. There was not one mannerism that gave off that he was gay. There was not one trait, one thing that he did uh that gave off this vibe that he was gay. Like this man was pretty, pretty like incognito, to be honest. But let me tell you, in the bedroom, who there was no telling that man was straight. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. But that's the only thing that was holding me back, I guess. But here's the thing, here's the thing, here's the thing, and this is why at the time it didn't really bother me that much, because I also was in an interesting position where not a lot of people knew, or I guess I should say, I wasn't really too too open about being gay either. Like, my friends knew, a couple of my family members knew, but I was I've always been a little bit more reserved with myself. Like, obviously, like you know, you know, like let's just not be stupid. Like, I was just very selective on who I let in, and I really wanted to just be a little bit more private, I guess, with who I share information with and who I can trust. And I guess I was just a little bit more private. I wasn't even incognito, I was just a little bit more private about what I shared and who I shared it with, so that's why I didn't really like hold it against him because I was also in a position where I was like, okay, that's cool. Like, your family doesn't know. Most of my family doesn't really know, like, I don't really need I don't really talk about it with them, like you know how some people do. And so that's why I didn't really hold it against him. So it wasn't really necessary an issue at the time, at this specific time that I'm at. So I remember specifically, and this was a really, really cool memory that I had. It was his last days in San Diego. I remember we went, well, I went to his dorm and he was packing all his stuff out of the dorm, and he was the last person to live in that specific dorm because they were closing off the building, it was like gonna be demolished because it was such an old building, and they were gonna like just tear it all down and then just start fresh again. So he was the last person in this dorm, it was really old too. I was like, oh my gosh, like why are they putting these students in these like dirty ass, like grungy like apartment buildings? It was really, really ghetto, honestly. And so I just remember going into his dorm and it was just so sad, like everything was packed, and it was different from when I first saw it. And it kind of reminded me of Chief Kelly when I was like the first time going into his like apartment, and everything's like all furnished and all clean and all okay, that's the lie. It was not clean, but it was just all like furnished and all like a vibe and uh warm and toasty and going to his apartment. The last time I saw him, it was just like cold and empty and nothing was there. It was like a similar vibe, but with us, like there was still some sort of future happening, quote unquote. And I just remember I was like, you know what? I'm gonna get us a hotel room. Like, let's just get a hotel room, let's stay there for the night, let's go out, let's go party, let's go drink, let's have a great time. And we did. We I got a hotel room after work one one evening, and just for one night, I came home to my house, packed an overnight bag, and he ended up meeting me out because he had an event in downtown, and so I got a hotel room, I Ubered to the club that we were going to, he met up with me there, we went out, we had a grand old time, and I loved when we went out. I just kind of felt like I had this personal, like personal bodyguard. He was very chivalrous at times, and I really liked when we would go out because he always made sure that I was that I wasn't on the end of the road, he always would stay on the outside of the sidewalk. And anytime there was a big crowd coming near me, he would like literally hold his arm like away so like no one would touch me. And I don't know why, like just little details like this just were really significant to me. And I remember we went out that night, it was super super fun, and uh we ended up walking towards the beach, and it was really nice. There's like this little area that we would always go to at the beach, like under like this pier, and we would just like admire the water, and I would remember we would make out a lot, and I remember one time because no one's there, so obviously we're gonna do some things. I remember one time I like just like slowly made my way down, and I gave him head in the beach, so or on the beach, so that was fun, and then I remember this homeless guy like popped out of nowhere, and we're like, oh fuck, and then we just dipped out and we would get food. We got food the last time he made a couple friends, very, very, very extroverted kid, very extroverted. And I just specifically remember that night we went to the hotel room and we had a lot of sex and we had shower sex, and I remember we were so loud that I don't know who it was. Someone, it's either the people next door or security, they literally were banging on our door telling us to like shut the fuck up because we were so loud, and I was like, oopsie, like honestly, what the fuck you want me to do about that? Like, I'm having a grand time, like, sorry, you're not. So after that, he ended up going to Arizona for a couple weeks during the summertime, and I specifically remember while he was in Arizona, there is a moment where I remember one night I went out with um my old roommate, and um her and I were in the beginning of our friendship. We loved going out, but we really wanted a chill night, and I remember we went to this like like bar in OB, an ocean beach, and one thing about Arizona Boy is we always communicated where we were at, where we were at, where we're going, when I'm coming home, and I just got so so drunk, and I remembered how I got home, but I didn't text him when I got home, and he got pissed off at me. I had to deal with it the next morning from him, and he was pissed off at me for not communicating with him, and the next day I had work, and um, I went to work, and after work I had an event, it was my friend's birthday, and I just remember specifically like arguing with him on the phone as I'm on my way to this event, like just like telling him, like, dude, like I genuinely like forgot, I'm so sorry, um, it won't happen again. Like, obviously, I want to communicate with you, X, Y, and Z, whatever. And I just remember telling him, like, like, why are you so like upset about this? And this is where I don't necessarily think that he genuinely felt this, but I think he started to understand the idea of it. But he had told me that he loved me, he confessed his love to me. So I was like, Oh my god. At the time, obviously it was super, super cute, but it took me by surprise, and I didn't really know how to respond to it. Obviously, I loved the kid, like, but I wasn't in love with this kid, like I just like known him for like now. I'm going on what like two or three months. Like, I don't I'm not in love with this kid. Like, I love him, like he has a great time, like he's super special to me, but like I'm not in love with this kid, and I know he wasn't in love with me either, but I can see how he loved being around me, he loved talking to me, he loved being with me in person, getting to know me, the physical, emotional aspect of things, this um quality time, words of affirmation. And um, I think that's what was really getting him upset, too, is because he started feeling a lot of deeper feelings, and so I'm not gonna classify it as like, oh, like he was in love with me because I look at it now, and I'm sure he could think back to like you know, it was it was like this quote unquote young love, like he started to realize like this idea of what does love look like, you know, and it's really subjective, it can be translated in a lot of ways, and so that's something that uh I experienced and obviously I told him that I loved him too. Not because I didn't want to leave him hanging, but because you know I took a second in that conversation and that split moment of silence of realizing okay, like I feel this way too, and now you're putting into language on how you're feeling, and I'm also gonna put into language how I'm feeling, and I'm gonna tell you how I feel. So that was the end of that conversation. So we turned something bad into good, thankfully, but it wasn't always like that. It was definitely really rocky at times, and this is where I started to realize that I became really anxious, and I don't do long distance really well. I and nobody knows this about me, and I I have never mentioned it in the podcast, and I don't know if I'm ever gonna talk about it. Uh maybe at some point later on, but I did have a girlfriend at one point, and I realized that there was a point where we were long distance, and it just didn't work out for me. Long distance doesn't work for me mentally, physically, emotionally. Like I was not designed for long distance. I have my best friends that do it and genuinely don't know how the fuck they do it because they're just as batshit crazy as I am, and uh I commend them for that, but I I can't do it, so I just know that when he was away in Arizona for the summer, it was just really, really hard for me. And so, what was the dynamic like when he was gone? You know, all we had was text, all we had was text, call, and sometimes a FaceTime. He would FaceTime me before the gym, he'd FaceTime me after the gym, um, when he's in his room. Like, there was really like the only substance we had was on our phone, and so I mean, it was kind of a vibe, but it gets a little still after a while. Like, there isn't like too much going on. A lot of just good morning, how are you, X, Y, and Z, what are you doing? What are you like up to today? What are you doing this weekend? Uh, it's really, really repetitive. And so now we're moving on to July. And I just remember specifically, um, we had started to have this Vegas trip plan. You know, he's like, What if we meet up in Vegas? Like, I'm in Arizona, you're in San Diego, we can kind of meet in the middle somewhat, and we can go to Vegas and have a great time for a weekend. And I was like, Yeah, sure, let's plan it. So that was something that was in the works. But I specifically remember uh in July we had a huge fight, and honestly, it was the best way I can summarize it, it was just a total miscommunication. And he read my text wrong, or I like had this huge typo or whatever. I had a typo, he read it wrong, and it just got into a really, really nasty fight. One thing that I will say about him is that he would lash out in anger really quickly. He had a very short temper, and I also had a very short temper, and this is where I started to realize that I had this very like entitled attitude and very bratty and like petty attitude at this time, like really catty and like okay, well, if we're gonna be like that, then like fuck off type of deal. Like, I was not mature in that aspect, and in some way, shape, or form, like I still am a little entitled, it's not how it used to be back then. It used to be really, really bad. But I will say that I used to be really entitled, and I just wanted to get my way, and there are still times where I catch myself wanting to get my way, but it's not to the extent of how it used to be, and I don't really want to get into like like the whole fight. It was just a really bad fight. We ended up making up, and that was it. I didn't want to deal with that anymore. After that fight, it just started to get really rocky, like this is where I just started to become really in my head a lot about like where is he at? Who is he with, who is he hanging out with, you know, he's going a period amount of time without texting me by an hour, and like just certain things that was just really, really, really just psychologically just screwing around with me. And because I've never experienced any of this before, just my thoughts were just getting the best of me, is the best way I can describe it. Just my overthinking just was ruling my world, and I allowed my overthinking to be the king of everything psychologically, everything emotionally, and I had no control over it. I remember we got into another fight, and this is where things started to go like very down downhill. I remember he told me that he was hanging out with a friend, and I didn't think much of it other than okay, he's hanging out with his friend, and it was the friend and the friend's dad, and I they were going fishing, like night fishing, and I just remember specifically like him sending me a photo of the moon, and I was like, Oh, cool, like I hope you have fun. He even FaceTimed me, and I was like, Oh, like have fun, like whatever, do your thing, like go do your thing, like go away. And um I I think I told him that I was going to bed, and because like we were already on a rocky road, just everything that you know was happening, I just became so sensitive. I just became sensitive about everything, and I just started overla over analyzing the littlest things, and I think like I don't even think he responded goodnight, and I was like, Oh motherfucker, you're not gonna respond goodnight to me. Right, and so I like messaged back, like I lashed back, and I was like, You're not gonna message me goodnight, this and that. I don't even know what what what it was, but all I know from my end is I got insecure about something. He was I didn't feel like he was being honest. I lashed out, it caused a fight, and then the next morning we talked about it, but it just wasn't it wasn't like going well. We had a we had a phone call and One thing about this kid, another bad toxic trait that I genuinely just can give a flying fuck about, is he always had to be right. To the point where it was like, okay, like this man's like a little narcissistic. Like he definitely had a lot of narcissistic traits. He always had to be right. Me, one thing about me, and everybody that really, really knows me well knows this about me. I can give two shits. I don't give a fuck about being right. I really don't. Like, I don't care. I don't care if I'm right. I don't care if I'm wrong. If I'm in the wrong, great, I'm in the wrong. I'll always admit that I'm in the wrong and I'll apologize, move on. Genuinely don't care. I don't have time to deal with this. I really don't. And this man just always had to be right about everything. He always had to prove a point. And in my eyes, I just am too humble enough to like really care. Like, I really don't care. Like, if if it means you're right and me saying I'm wrong, just to like end a fight, then bam, you can have it. You really can. And that's good, that goes for anybody, really. Like, I just don't have enough energy to like really feel the need that I have to prove a point. And so that's kind of like where I was at. And I was just being very honest. Like, I'm like, you know what? Like, I'm sorry. Like, this is something that I'm realizing about myself. Like, I'm learning as I go, like, I'm learning with you, and I just get really insecure. You're not here, X, Y, and Z. And but I also don't appreciate you being mean to me at the same time. Like, you're also really aggressive, and I don't like that. And um, of course, he was just flipping it out on me, and then I just was trying to explain like my past and like trying to explain to him where I feel like it's rooting from, and just psychologically, just trying to like educate him about myself. Like, I told him, like, I feel like this is like deep rooted from like my mom, my dad, like my grandparents, you know, just really trying to have him get to know me, and there's just nothing that was really budging with him, like he was just being a total dick, and he was like, Well, it just looks like you need to work on yourself then, and I don't and this is what really pissed me off, and this is something that I really guy I want you guys to really pay attention to, and this is something that I'm gonna mention in like maybe three episodes later, just keep that in mind. But he told me specifically, and I will and this triggers me still to this day because it pissed me off so much. He told me, Well, I just don't think that you're ready for a relationship, and of course, I think back now, I'm like obviously like, yeah, he was right because I there was a lot of things that I wasn't ready for, but for like him to be so insensitive about like where I'm at, I'm explaining to him like I'm acknowledging like one I know that I'm acting out like this and I know where it's coming from. Like a lot of men don't know, don't even can comprehend that. Like, they don't comprehend like why they act the way they act, they don't comprehend why they like to cheat on women, they don't comprehend why they have an aggression issue or why they have commitment issues or why they're so um isolated all the time or why they don't open up. A lot of men don't comprehend these things, so for me to tell him these things, like look, I understand I was acting X, Y, and Z. It comes from A, B, and C, but I'm I'm willing to work on it, like just be like patient and have grace for me. But like also, too, you're not no freaking perfect man yourself. Like, I I I know this about me and I'm willing to work on it, and he was not budging, like that just like speaks volumes on its own, and obviously, like I deserve someone who is gonna recognize that and is in it for the long haul and willing to want to work on that with me and be patient with me. And I just did not like the fact that he was telling me that like I wasn't ready for something when he just didn't even like comprehend. I don't think he was even ready for something either, and so that really, really, really bothered me that he made that that statement. We ended up like cutting things off and we didn't go on Vegas. He actually, quote unquote, I don't really know if this is true, honestly. I kind of feel like it was kind of like a fake I don't really know if that trip was ever really gonna happen that I think about it. Do you ever like plan something and you just like know deep down like this is not gonna happen, but I'm just gonna roll with it type of deal. That's what it was. I felt like I was just creating this like fantasy of like me going on this trip with him, and he was like telling me, like, oh, like we can like obviously I was gonna like we're gonna split half and half, like you know. And um, he even told me after the fact, and this really pissed me off, and this is why I don't like narcissistic people because he had told me it's like I was gonna pay for the Vegas trip and I was gonna surprise you, this and that, but now I'm gonna cancel it all, and I'm gonna just like get my money back. And I'm just like, dude, like I don't necessarily think you even paid for it at all. I think you just like canceled reservations and that was it, like there was really no deposit or anything, and so at that point I just think he was just being a dick. And later on in like future episodes, you're gonna realize I find myself in a very, very similar situation with another man that had a lot of characteristics, just like this Arizona boy. But that's just for a later time. But I want you to take a mental note of that because this is clearly a recurring pattern that I find myself in. So depressed at this point. I'm just so depressed. I'm like, okay, cool. Like, I don't have anybody to talk to anymore, and I am not talking talking to this man that I really, really liked, and now I'm just alone and sad and horny. So yeah, we stopped talking and August comes. What's in August? Back to school, and he comes back to San Diego to school, and this is where shit gets really fucking interesting. For those of you who don't know, when I work at Nordstrom, Thursdays are my closing days. So, what does that mean? That means I work from 1 to 9:30. That's a closing shift. Um, for me, at least in my department. So, and he knew this, he knew my schedule. Uh, if there's one thing that you should know about this man, not only he is the intellectual and very well educated, he's very calculated. This is a very calculated man, he knows every move that's gonna happen, and he knows every move that I'm gonna make. Because he has known me for an extensive amount of time now. He knows how to get a reaction out of me, he knows the next move I'm gonna make, he knows where I'm gonna be, he knows where I'm at at certain times, and he's very, very calculated. So one afternoon Thursday, I remember uh I was at work and at the time I wasn't like fully working for Chanel, I was still working just for the department alone. I was in the Chanel build-out area, so the way that it's laid out is um my department is the center of the store, like a 360, it's just the center. You can see my department from every angle, every angle. And adjacent for me is Salon Shoes, which is designer shoes, and beauty, and the uh makeup brand that's like next to me is Charlotte Tilbury, and so I'm in the Chanel section, and I'm just like you know, just doing my job, just cleaning up a little, just like making sure everything is all nice, neat, cute, polished, um, merchandise well. I look to my fucking right, and this man is standing in the Charlotte fucking Tilbury with his friend that's getting her makeup done, and another one of his guy friends. And the only reason why I knew it was him was because I literally from a distance looked at this kid and I was like, I looked the first thing I looked at was his shoes, and I and I I don't know why I put two and two together, or I don't know why where like the connection was, but he had really, really dirty shoes, and I don't know why I thought of him when I saw his shoes, and I was like, oh, Arizona kid has dirty shoes too. But then I looked at his whole outfit with not even seeing his face, and I was like, oh, that like kind of looks like him, and then lo and behold, he turns around, it's him, and I was just like, What the actual fuck? Like, this kid's in my store. I'm working, I haven't like talked to him, heard from him, seen him in like over two and a half, three weeks now. And I'm like, what the fuck? What do I do? I genuinely froze, and I was like, okay, abort, abort, abort. Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? So I like go in hiding pretty much. Like I go, I don't even know where I went, honestly. I went somewhere that wasn't nowhere near my department, and I was just like, Okay, like he's literally in my like vicinity. He ended up leaving the mall. And that was around when I had just came in. I came in at around like uh what was it, two o'clock. Like, I wasn't I was only at work for like an hour, and I was like, okay, like he's in my store, like, and then I saw he posted on Instagram, like he was at a bar, and so I was like, okay, cool, like this kid's drinking or whatever. So, anyways, I ended up doing my thing. Keep in mind some of my co-workers knew the whole tea, the whole lore of what was going on with me and this kid. So they like knew they knew of him, they knew what he looked like, whatever. So obviously, like since I like ended, we didn't end. I don't want to say end things because it was really like just because we stopped talking, I was like, okay, cool. Yeah, everybody knew of him, well, some people, and so obviously I was like back on grinder because I was like, uh, I want to be silly, I want to be dumb, I want to like hook up. So I was like, why not? So I was this shit gets me every time. I was on grinder, and as I was on grinder, I was on I was on my lunch, I was in the break room, just like casually scrolling, and there was just this annoying fuck that just kept messaging me, and it was pissing me off too. Like, like he was like, Hey, like, how are you? And I didn't have photos at the time. I wanted to be a little incognito because I knew that he was coming back into town, so I was like, okay, cool. Like my bio said like 5'8, I was 150, Latino. Um, I think that was it. Like, it was really, really basic, a really basic like stat. I don't even know if I had a bio, honestly. And I think at the time it said like 23. So I was like, okay, cool, whatever. That's good enough. And also, too, at the time, I wanted to specifically like if I thought you were cute, then I wanted to have control of me sending you photos of me. I didn't want just my photos being like publicly out for the open. And so I just remember getting a message from this guy over and over and over again. Like he was just like pretty much spamming me, and it was really annoying. And he was like, Hey, let's meet up, let's go to the bathroom. And then I was just like being dumb and I was like just playing along with it because I was like, sure, why the fuck not? I was like, oh, like which bathroom? I was being so short with him, like, oh, what bathroom? He was like, Oh, we can go to like this bathroom, like at like this department store. And I was like, Okay, which one? Like, I was just so uninterested. Everything that he was saying, I was just I sounded so uninterested, and then I was like, Oh, cool, like send me your pics. He sent me his dick pics, I was like, oh, okay, cool, I guess. But I'm then I was like, send me a face pic, and he would not send me a face pick. And so then I was just like, Okay, you're not gonna send a face pick. Like, I think I sent him my nudes and that was it. But then, like, I was like, Well, if you're not gonna send a face pick, then I'm not gonna send a face pick, obviously. And so then after I was like, whatever, you're annoying. I closed the app, I finished my food, I go back to my department, and my coworker tells me, he said, Hey bro, he said, your man came back and went to the bathroom. It just clicked, and I was like, Oh, really? And then I went back onto the app, I looked at his pics again, just the very few nudes that I had from him, and I was like, I said, This motherfucker first of all, his picks didn't look nothing like what his whole package looks like in person. Like, clearly there was some bush growing on in there. I'm like, whatever, okay, cool. And I was just like, This motherfucker is trying to like lure me in again. And I was like, Okay, you know what? Now I'm gonna fucking play games. Immediately I texted him because he was like, Let's meet in the bathroom before I leave. My Uber's almost here. And I was just like, no, like, dude, leave me alone. But then I was like, oh my god, I have to message him back. And I said, Hey, like, where are you at? Let's meet in the bathroom. Did you get an Uber? He was like, No, I didn't get an Uber. And I was like, Okay, let's meet in the bathroom, let's meet at this bathroom, meet me there. Keep in mind I'm doing this while I'm at work, so I'm just like, fuck it, why not? Gotta create the plot, you know? And so then I tell him to go in the specific stall, and I said, I'll meet you in there. So no one's in the bathroom, thank God, which is very interesting. It's like it's like four o'clock now. So I'm like, cool, that this kid's just been fucking chilling at the mall for two and a half, three hours, you know, like whatever. So I remember specifically going into the bathroom while he's in there, and I tell him, I said, okay, unlock the door. And you just see all the stalls have like knobs, but they turn like red or green, depending on someone's in there. All of them are green, except for the last one, it's red, and all you see do all you see is it turning green. And I was like, Okay, like I'm gonna fuck this kid up right now. Like, he does not know what's coming for him. I open the door, and this motherfucker just blanks out. He goes from a smile to like oh fuck, and my fucking ass is like smirking at him so hard. I go inside, I lock the door, and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, genuinely, what are you doing? Like, you're in my fucking store. Like, what are you doing? And he like starts giggling. I'm like, you think this is funny? You really think this is funny? I said, what are you doing messaging me? Like you have my number. And I think it was just really comical for him to like process of elimination, like find me on the app with the little information I gave out. He knew it was me, and he from what he had told me is like genuinely didn't really know if it was you, but I was really hoping it was you, and I, you know, 90% knew it was you, but you never know because there it is, it's that 10%. It's like, well, you never know if there's another 5'8 Latino, 150 pounds just wandering around the mall. But he knew what he was doing the whole time, and he literally asked me, he was like, So are you gonna like you know give me head? And I was like, No, I'm not gonna give you head, and it was just so um, well, I gave him head, obviously, but it was just very comical and very movie-like scene, to be quite honest with you. He left after, and I thought that was it. I thought that was it, and um, I ended up getting a text that night saying that he wanted to come over, and he did for the next week. That motherfucker was at my house sleeping over, and it was very interesting. That whole week was very, very interesting because, like, obviously, at this point, I knew okay, obviously, nothing serious is gonna come from this. You know, the dynamic of reuniting was very different, it's the best way I could describe it. Um, it wasn't really cute anymore, it was very friends with the benefit vibe, it was very like a bro type of business, if that makes sense. Like it was very um surface level. There it wasn't cute anymore. It wasn't giving good morning, good night text, it wasn't giving heart emojis, it wasn't giving kiss emojis, and the idea of messing around like with others just it was really unsettling because we both have grinder, obviously. And there was even a moment where you know he was like, Let's have a threesome. And I'm like, dude, this is so out of character for you. Because like from our previous conversations we've had, it was like like no, like I'm totally into monogamy, I don't like like um open relationships, I don't do like that type of stuff, and I'm the same way, like kudos to like whoever does that, and it's really really known in the gay community, obviously, but like I have very, very strong opinions about that. I don't want to even get into it, but I can talk about it later in the podcast. But it was just not us, it wasn't me, it wasn't him, like all these like morals that we had is what made us connect, and for him to like say something, I felt that was so out of character. It was just like, like, what are you even saying, bro? This is just like not you, and that's what I mean by it was just so different, like the dynamic was so different, and like that week that we hung out, like I was calling out of Home Depot a lot, like just so I could have enough time to spend with him. Like, I remember one time we went to like his apartment because he moved into like a new apartment and he had this jacuzzi, and it was just so different. And I remember specifically, he was at my house one time, and now we're getting into a very, very different time. Um, because like obviously nothing was gonna happen between us. His family started getting a little questionable with him, and um, he was very like I told you, this man's very calculated, he's very strategic. He he knows how to uh convince people, he knows how to uh create a narrative about his whole life. And I started to realize like his family members were really, really, really nosy. His like relatives, aunts, uncles, I don't really really know who they were, cousins, were starting to like ask him, like, hey, like, do you have a girlfriend? And um, obviously he wasn't out, he was really, really down low, and um he couldn't be gay essentially, and uh he would always like just brush it off, but like it was getting really serious, and so what he did was he had a really, really beautiful friend, and let me tell you, she was hot, she was fucking hot, and I like thought she was amazing, and I guess she was like a model for for somewhere, I don't really know, but she also came from money, I think it was like a family friend. I don't really know, I don't really know her connection. I just I just know that like he knew her. He convinced the friend to go along with this narrative that they were talking, just so it can buy him some time because he had said, Oh, I'm gonna tell all my family that I have been talking to this girl, which was her. I don't even remember her name, not even relevant. And um, this is gonna buy me some time. So for for when I go to law school, I can tell them it didn't work out, but I'm in law school. I have no time for a girl. I'm gonna be like busting my ass off in assignments, just really focused. And that was his whole um plan. His whole like game plan is he was gonna tell his family, yeah, I'm talking to a girl. Okay, I go to law school. Oh, it didn't work out. I'm gonna be too busy with school, so I don't have time for a girlfriend. Like, you have to be legit insane, insane to even think about that. A four-year plan of telling your family you're talking to a girl and then you're not talking to a girl, but then you don't have time to talk to a girl because you're too busy with school, just so you can buy yourself some time for when so you don't have to tell them that you're gay. Yeah, that makes sense, makes total sense. Like, what the hell? And in my mind, as he's like having full-on conversations with his family members on speaker, I'm like literally thank God, thank the literal God of heaven that I don't have to deal with this, like the Lord literally spared my life, spared my life because why would I want to put myself in that situation? Why would I want to put myself in a predicament where I have to deal with being hidden and being a secret and like dealing with all this bullshit? No, bab, go do your thing. That's really ghetto. That's not that's not that's not cute. It really is not cute, and I don't want to deal with any of that. Go, go, go on. That's bad. That's really bad. So at this point, I knew nothing was gonna come from this. I knew there was gonna be no commitment. I knew obviously um that he didn't love me. And even though he said he did, sorry, I'm just like reading all my notes, and everything that he wanted to do was morally not on our levels anymore. Like he was just totally out of character. And I specifically remember, like a couple of days after our final goodbye, I was like, I want my best friend to meet this kid just because like my friend knows everything about me. My best friend Ash, who will soon be on the podcast because she agreed to be on it with me. Um, she knows everything about me. We think a lot alike, but we also think very differently, and I knew that she would be the only person that would like resonate with him because I know they would have a lot in common, and they're very similar in terms of their their banter, they're very funny, they're very extroverted, they're very loud, and very outgoing in that aspect. So I was like, you know what, I'm just gonna have my friend meet him, you know, because why the fuck not? And my friend is very much like me, very goal-oriented, um, and like career-wise, but relationally, you know, she she's one of those friends that asks the good questions, like, what are you looking for um with my friend? Like, what are your intentionalities? Like, all those types of good questions. And yeah, I remember he came over when she was at my house, and we had a great time. We had a really great time, actually, towards the end. And towards the end is when I started becoming a little emotional, not defensive, but a little bit more entitled, just because I knew what the future was holding between me and Arizona, that you know, nothing was gonna happen. So, all the questions that she were that she was asking about like, what are your intentions with um Jay? What do you want with him? Like, what do you like see yourself in the future with him? And essentially, every question she was asking, like I was just totally interjecting and be like, he doesn't want anything with us, friend. Like, he doesn't want anything. Then I remember one specific question she asked, like, what are intentionalities? And I just completely was being a brat and entitled, and I interjected and I said, Fred, he doesn't want anything. If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to make it work, he would, is what I specifically said. And um, yeah, just totally embarrassed him, to be quite honest with you, just because I knew nothing was gonna happen at this point. He wasn't treating me right, I wasn't really treating him right. It was just like a tit for tat, like no, like two negatives don't equal a positive, like in this situation at least. And so I just remember specifically like when my friend left, just like he was like, I'm literally done with you, like you're so like rude, you're so mean, you totally embarrass me. And there was no really good way that I could express how I felt other than just like being a brat. And um, I was just like weeping and crying just because I didn't really know how to verbalize how I felt other than just being very resentful. And um, we ended up like like having like this like yelling match, and my friend didn't actually leave the house because she heard what was going on when she like closed the door. Cause immediately the second she closed the door is when he started yelling at me. And she was like, Oh fuck, like let me just let me just stay in my car for a little bit just in case I need a little 911 SOS moment. And she did, she's literally like the best. She's like a ride or die. Like, me and her have gone through our shit together, but at the end of the day, like she's just the best, and she's honestly stuck with me for life. But and she was like texting me, she was like, Jay, like, are you good? And I'm like, friend, don't leave. Like, please stay in your car. Like, I know you want to go home, but please stay in your car. And she'll always make the joke, and I'm sure she'll mention it later in the podcast. But she's like, I she she likes to say, she's like, I was standing by the tree just because I didn't want to leave the house. She always mentions the tree, but she'll mention it later. And um, I just remember specifically us just like having this yelling match, and at some point, ended up dying down, and it was great. And from that huge argument, we had the best makeup sex, the best, and I don't know why it was just so volatile, and that was just the best word that I can describe myself. I was just very, very volatile, and I was learning so much about myself, and it was just really, really messy, really, really bad. Ultimately, it just led into a big fight, and um, you know, once we resolved it, I don't know what came upon us, but we had the best sex. And when I say the best, I mean I think it was almost I think it was the last time I actually had sex with him too. We no one was home. I don't know how, but like I'm just like looking back at this time, and I lived with four like three roommates at the time. I was the fourth, and none of them like were around. And I don't even know how that happened. I think like I had a couple friends that were like away visiting family, one was on vacation, so I just so happened to have the whole house to myself from like this whole week that I was with him. Shortly after that, I hung out with him one last time. He really pissed me off, and that was the last time I saw the kid. So yeah, that was my interesting dynamic with Arizona boy. There wasn't necessarily like a title that I had with him, I guess you can say like classified friends with benefits. I don't really know. But a very interesting kid. And then so this was like what back in August. September goes by and doesn't really hear from him. October comes, and I don't know what happened, but I just remember specifically on Halloween I was one drinking, so I was a little emotional drunk. And I was like, you know what? I told my one of my um old roommates, Halston. I was like, friend, I really want to message him. And of course, I intentionally told her that I wanted to message him because I know she would encourage it. So she was like, Yeah, do it. Like, message him. She's like, just do it, why not? And I was like, you're right. So I like wrote this really, really sweet message to him, and from August to the end of October, this kid, this kid managed to tell me that he was seriously talking to someone, and I was like, whoa, like you managed after all of that that we've been through, you managed within a month, uh two months, managed to find someone else to talk to, and then it just I was so curious to know. I was like, is it a guy or is it a girl? But I never found out. I never found out and it always like uh trips me out because I'm like, damn, like is this kid really like gonna go his whole life like just suppressing how he really feels about himself? Like who like okay, if it is a girl, like is he just gonna like deny that he's like he like has like genuine feelings for another dude? Not even just me at this point, just like in general, and like if he is with a guy, is he just is the guy just gonna go his whole fucking life just as a secret? Because I know for a fact he's not gonna tell his parents. So like these things just like go through my mind, but I also have tea because it didn't stop there. Just recently, like shortly after, and I was just like, you know, when they say like curiosity kills the cat, it was just like one of those moments. And I when I re well not recently, when I broke up with my ex back in like April, I don't know how I found myself. I was just really, really, really depressed. But I ended up messaging Arizona Boy again, and it's really interesting because I knew we blocked each other, so I was like, I don't know if my message is gonna go through, but when it went through, it said delivered. I was like, oh fuck, like it literally delivered, and I was just really curious, genuinely had no intentions with wanting to have a like a heartfelt combo. I just wanted to know what the fuck was going on with this kid, and I said, Hey, thought of you, hope you're doing well. How have you been? And he was really, really short with me. He actually responded like within like 10 minutes, and I was fucking shook. And he responded back, he was like, Hey, I'm doing good, just like almost done with law school, this and that. I was like, Oh, that's cool, like trying to have a like simple convo. But then one thing I liked about him is he was really loyal. He was really loyal, and that's what I liked about him. But he was very fiery, maybe because he was an Aries, that always plays a role in it. But he hadn't told me at the end, then he started like sweetening up a bit, but that was it. He was like, Hey, I just want to let you know that I like I'm still in a relationship like with that person. I was like, what? It's been two two two years at this point, and you're still with the same person. Like, how does that even make sense? Like, I still think about it to this day, and I'm just like, there's no way, there's just no fucking way that it's a girl. And if it's a guy, that man genuinely does not give a fuck about himself enough to like be a secret that long. I just I don't know. I guess I'll never know. I really won't, unless like this, you know, episode goes viral or one video at one point and he ends up finding it. But I don't know. We'll see, we'll have to find out. But that's the end of this episode. I hope you're enjoying these story times just because one, yeah, cool, it's entertaining, and who doesn't like to hear a good juicy story time? But I really do have, like I said, intentionality with them because I feel like a lot of guys slash girls slash gay guys, the girlies can relate to this, and just know you're not alone, just know you're not the only one that is being kept a secret, and you're not the only one that has commitment issues, and you're not the only one that is dealing with anger issues and entitlement and you know being a brat, and not in a cutesy way, but like a legitimate, like traumatic way. Um, but yeah, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode, and I will see you guys in the next one.