Meta Questions Episode: What are the questions we avoid and why do we avoid them?

What questions are you carrying that you haven't asked out loud? And what is not asking them costing you?

We ask questions for a living. But what about the ones we don't ask?

In this episode, hosts Dr. Patti Fletcher, Lynne Cuppernull, and Dan Ward get honest about the questions they avoid. They talk about why we skip certain questions: we're afraid of the answer, we don't want to do the work that follows, we're worried about crossing a boundary, or sometimes we just don't think to ask.

They each share questions they've been carrying. Dan talks about not asking for help or feedback. Patti examines the questions women in their 50s face about defining life on their own terms instead of through roles they play for others. Lynne shares questions she's afraid to ask about politics and her kids' experience of divorce.

The conversation covers personal territory and bigger questions. When does avoiding a question protect you versus hold you back? Where do you feel unasked questions in your body? How do you create environments where people can actually ask hard things? Is asking questions an anti-authoritarian act?

They also look at AI's role in how we ask (or don't ask) questions. Are we using it to go deeper, or to avoid going deeper? What makes human conversation different when it comes to the questions that matter?

This episode won't make hard questions easy. But it might make asking them less hard.

Key Themes:

• The psychology and physiology of avoided questions
• Creating environments where questions can be asked safely
• The difference between waiting for the right moment and avoiding indefinitely
• Question-asking as anti-authoritarian practice
• How AI enables or prevents deeper questioning
• Making it easier to ask hard questions without making them less hard

Resources We Found Helpful:

Books & Research:

• On Tyranny, by Timothy Snyder  
• Internal Family Systems  therapy information 
• The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace by Amy Edmondson
• The Right Kind of Wrong: The Science of Failing Well  by Amy Edmonson

Referenced Media:

• Blue Bloods (CBS) and it's spin-off, mentioned in this episode, Boston Blue (CBS)  for the portrayal of family dinner conversations as a space for difficult dialogue

Practices Mentioned:

• Reflection practices for identifying avoided questions
• Somatic awareness when questions arise
• Mindfulness techniques: asking "Am I safe now?" and "What do I need?"
• The coaching move: responding to questions with "What do you think?"

Listening for the Questions is where curiosity is our compass.

Transcript

Patti 0:14

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Listening for the Questions. I'm Dr. Patty Fletcher. I'm a recovering C-suite executive from Big Tech. I'm a leadership futurist working at the intersection of people, business, technology, and data. And I'm a best-selling author.

Lynne 0:31

And I'm Lane Cupperdoll. I'm mixing things up today with my intro. Two of my superpowers are asking questions rooted in curiosity and interest in other people, and then very carefully listening to the answers before I ask another question. And I can't wait to jump into today's topic.

Dan 0:49

Dan Ward here. I'm an engineer and military technologist. I'm also an author, a juggler, and a punk. And whoa, this episode is going to be a ride, you guys, because today's topic is avoiding the questions. So it's going to be all about the questions we don't ask or don't want to ask. So let's start there with a few questions for everybody to think about. First, are there questions we're avoiding? And if so, what are they? And then why do we avoid them? And finally, what would happen if we started asking them?

Patti 1:20

Oh my gosh. Okay, everybody, um, those are all the questions for today. That's all she wrote. Thanks for listening. We'll catch you on the flip side.

Lynne 1:28

Oh my god, Patty. Maybe we're not done quite yet, but I see what you did there, and it's hilarious. And it's also true. How often do we avoid asking questions that we probably should ask and then pretend like we didn't avoid them? And then how often do we avoid asking questions about the questions we're avoiding? Oh my God, we're so meta right now.

Patti 1:54

Len, are you gonna ask me the meaning of life? Um I think we're going down that path. You know, as as we were talking about like different questions, you know, we we always think about the source, right? Everything's when we in our podcast, we go back to kind of intent and who who is this benefiting, who is it not benefiting, right? And this question really digs deep on that. And so when I'm avoiding a question, am I like trying to fool the people around me by not bringing it up? Or am I trying to fool myself?

Dan 2:29

All right, so let's pull that thread for a minute. When we're avoiding something, how aware are we of our own avoidance? Or maybe like, how could we be more aware of the questions we're not asking and more thoughtful about our decision to not ask them?

Lynne 2:44

Hmm, Dan, yes, yes, and I think you've just identified reflection practices that we might want to think about, how we build those into everyday life. And I'm also picking up an assumption that I want to ask about. Is it always bad to avoid asking a question? Are there some questions we should avoid? How do we identify those and what are they?

Dan 3:10

Oh, right, right. So when does a question become like appropriately avoidable? So what makes something a good question to not ask? Like a good question to either just hold on to or a good question to skip entirely, as opposed to the questions we're avoiding even though we shouldn't.

Lynne 3:27

It's like all swirling around in my head right now. And I'm also, I'm like, be I'm really physically aware of what's happening. So it's swirling around in my head, but I'm also physically aware of what's happening with my body, uh, which is, you know, the somatic implications of holding on to an unasked question. I mean, I think that's coming up even when we don't actively realize we're avoiding asking a question. Where do we feel the weight of an unasked question in our bodies?

Dan 4:00

Lynn, I love that question about our bodies, and that makes me think of how our bodies exist in time. And that makes me wonder about the time dimension of all of this. How can we tell when we're avoiding a question versus just waiting for the right moment to ask it?

Patti 4:14

I am sitting here surprisingly quiet because I am really listening to, you know, the both of you, and the three of us are in the business of asking questions, right? That is what we do for a living. I love the time dimension, right? I love the what questions, I love the why questions, but there's the human component, and that's the who. Like there are some questions that I don't want to even ask myself, right? Because it might take me down a path. And then there are other questions I don't want to ask because it might be seen as, you know, brutally honest and not everyone likes that and can take it. Um, or it's something where I know it might cross a boundary for somebody or make them think differently of me, right? So it's that that who thing, I think, is something that I would want to ask about.

Dan 5:04

Patty, I love the who question and the people that we ask questions of or don't ask questions of, to include ourselves. And I'm also wondering like, do we sometimes just not think to ask the question? Maybe that's just me? Like, maybe we're not consciously avoiding the question, but we're also not seeking it out either, right? So what if the reason we didn't ask the question is just that it didn't occur to us to ask? And does that make things different?

Lynne 5:32

Yes, yes, it does. I'm answering your question, Dan. And I think that's where the practice of answering questions comes in. And I I emphasize the word practice because it is something that takes practice uh to ask helpful, open-ended questions. And so, would we avoid questions less if we practiced asking them more? Like if we get into the practice of asking curious questions, maybe we end up avoiding fewer of them. So I'm gonna practice right now. Dan, Patty, what question have you been carrying that you haven't asked out loud? And what has not asking it cost you?

Dan 6:22

Lynn, you know, I saw that question in the prep notes. Uh, and listeners, we do put together prep notes for these calls, so we have some sense of what we're gonna talk about. And when I came to this part, it it took me a while to come up with something. Uh I had a moment where my brain just went blank and I couldn't think of a question that I'm not asking. But I stuck with it, and then I came up with several more than I ended up writing down. So uh here's a few. I think I often don't ask for help. Uh, and by not asking for help, that can cost me my own energy because I end up doing the thing myself. It also costs me the opportunity to bring someone in and work together. No, in a business setting, it's hard for me to ask those closer questions, like, are you ready to sign the contract? Phew, that's a hard one to ask. And that costs me business. And then as a writer, you know, asking for feedback on the writing is hard. I'm better at it now than I than I used to be, but I do tend to carry that question for a while before I ask it. And not asking for feedback does cost me the chance to make the thing better.

Patti 7:23

I I'm so happy Dan went first. Um, so I too looked at your question, Lynn, and you know I'm gonna end with asking you the question. Um, and really struggled because the truth is, and I I'd really love for our listeners to ask themselves that question, right? Or those two questions. What have you been carrying? That a question that you avoid asking yourself, and then what has been the cost? I think that second thing is really important. Um, and so, you know, for me, I think there are things around feedback. I don't always want it. Um, especially if I know that I didn't do a great job on a stage, for example, or you know, I don't feel good about my performance. And Dan, you and I are both authors, right? And I don't always want feedback because quite frankly, I don't want to spend the time to change things. Um, so and the implications of that are I'm not getting better, right? I'm not investing my energy in getting better. That's a personality thing for me. Once I finish something, whether it succeeds or fails, I tend to move on before the thing ends. So it's usually Dan that brings up women. I'm gonna do it right now. So I'm 56 years old, right? Lynn and I are in the, and Dan and I are all in the same age group. And when you become like in your 50s as a woman, your life really changes. You start to, if you're fortunate enough, you start to move from having a life defined by the role you play in the lives of others to one where you realize it is what is the role you play in your own life? And you stop there. You literally stop there, not so that you can play a better role in someone's life, you literally just stop there. And that would be the question I have a hard time asking myself, and because it's so against how I've been conditioned as a woman and you know, as an Armenian and all of those things. And then the implications are absolutely, I'm investing my energy in the wrong place, right? I'm I'm not putting, I can't stand putting on my oxygen mask thing, but you get it. So, so that would be that would be my kind of big existential question. But Lynn, how about you? What questions have you not asked out loud? And what is that not asking costing you?

Lynne 9:45

So, so like Dan, at first I was like, oh none. And then I then there was like an obvious one that came to mind. I wrote that one down, and then there were some less obvious ones. So I'll just share them because I think you know, I I tend to wear the vulnerability hat on this podcast. Um, the first one was I would like to ask some people, why did you vote for the current president? And I think I what's that it's costing me to not ask that is I've just make up all this stuff in my head about why. And then I just get angrier and angrier, and it's like this this loop of uh fury. So that's that's what it's costing me. I think about asking my kids who were pretty young when I got divorced, um, you know, what what did your dad and I not saying married, what what effect did that really have on you? Uh because I'm afraid of the answer. But I think anyway, now it's out there. Maybe this will be the maybe this will be what gets my kids to listen to the podcast.

Patti 10:50

So, so Lynn, I can't imagine they wouldn't. Um, just like my kids, whenever they listen, I they always know they can shut me off. Um, so which is something they don't get in real life. But you know, Lynn, I just want to thank you for being vulnerable and going first to be vulnerable because I I was able to have conversations with my two daughters over the last few months, right? So I was always on an airplane, I was always working, and I worked from home and I wasn't traveling, and even when I was home, my mind was always somewhere else. And I knew that. And my girls that stay-at-home dads were not popular, right? When when um they were being reared, and you know, my husband was a stay-at-home dad. And so I asked both of them, they're both in their 20s, what was it like to be my daughter? Right? What was it like? And I wanted the honest answers because I was never really able to have that conversation with, I was with my mom, but not with my dad. And you know, you can spend a lifetime of therapy trying to like overcome what you went through in childhood. And the thing is, it was not for me to make up excuses, it was not for me to defend, right? It was me just going, I'm ready for that answer. I am ready for that answer because it's important that they are able to be able to release the answer, right? And I'm not sure they would bring that up. And so, you know, listening to you both, I'm just wondering, like, what is it about some questions that make them so scary, right? Like, what are we afraid to learn? Or what are we afraid might happen next? And, you know, are we just afraid to have the answer to like that question, have to do it ourselves? Like, why are we avoiding questions we don't want to answer?

Dan 12:36

Yeah, I was just gonna add, I mean, what a beautiful and vulnerable set of questions that you both shared. Man, if I thought asking for feedback on writing was hard, uh, asking for feedback on parenting and life experiences, and boy, that that is a much deeper level of question, right? And you know, I think there's a wide range of reasons why people don't ask those kinds of questions, uh, ranging from I didn't think to ask it, to it's hard and I didn't want to hear the answer, or it might lead to some work, or it might open up to other questions. So yeah, I just want to say bravo to you both for sharing both of those questions. And um I'm just glad to be along for the ride on this one for sure.

Lynne 13:19

Thanks, Dan. We're glad you're on the ride. Um and and so this whole conversation has also made me think about so if we're not asking a question, what are we doing instead? Right? What are we replacing that question we've avoided asking with? Certainty, sometimes, control, humor. I see that a lot, I do that a lot. Um, so are we really just changing the subject instead of asking a question that might need to be asked because we're just too uncomfortable or afraid of what the answer is going to be?

Patti 13:56

I love that. I just want to jump in, right? Because we have a lot of business people who um who listen in, a lot of leaders. And, you know, it really wonder the environment to ask questions. And that's something I work with leaders a lot. Are you creating an environment to ask questions, right? And so Amy Edmondson's work, right? Psychological safety has been a big deal. And so when, you know, what we learn in her books are what are the conditions, right? Around the questions you're allowed, those un unwritten rules, right? They're questions you're um gonna avoid asking. And by the way, that's what it's like in lots of families, including my own, right? Like, you know, my extended family. There are just certain things you don't ask, is what I was told growing up, right? And, you know, Lynn, you brought it up, so I'm gonna pull the thread on we live in an environment that no longer represents the democracy we thought we lived in over here in the US. And that's sending implications, you know, everywhere. So I'm I'm just struggling to go. Would I even be able to ask a question in an authoritarian environment without risking my personal safety psychologically and physically, and everything in between?

Dan 15:08

Yeah. And then if authoritarian environments are kind of anti-question or not open to questions or don't allow certain questions, that makes me wonder if asking questions is an anti-fascist move. Like, is asking good questions out loud, boldly, creatively, curiously, compassionately, is that an effective strategy to counter an authoritarian environment or a component of a strategy, maybe?

Lynne 15:37

I know we can't answer questions, but yes, yes. Dan.

Patti 15:42

That's why we need investigative journalism. Yes.

Lynne 15:46

It is an effective strategy. And I think that's what we're trying to foster in the with this podcast is the um curiosity, the openness, the willingness to ask those questions, whether or not you do it as part of an anti-fascist strategy, or you're just doing it to educate yourself more, uh, to avoid disinformation. I think it is a super effective strategy. And since I answered that question, now I'm thinking about answers. So sometimes is answering a question, is that a way to avoid it? Like when a politician gives a dishonest answer or more likely deflects the question by not really answering at all and just doing a bunch of hand-wavy stuff. Is that a form of avoiding the question? And and how do we distinguish? That's answers, but then how do we distinguish between a question we might be asking that could be destructive versus one that is generative?

Dan 16:51

Lynn, I think that's a terrific question about how do answers shut down the conversation sometimes. And I think that goes back to the core of this whole podcast. And uh, you know, it reminds me, I had a boss one time whose favorite phrase seemed to be don't go there. He was always saying, Oh, don't go there. Don't don't ask that question, don't bring that topic up. And over and over again, and I've never met anybody who used that phrase quite so frequently. And looking back, I see how scared he must have been by truth, by questions, by exploring things, by people, you know, by by sunlight, really. And I see how controlling he was. I felt it at the time. I didn't have the language to describe what was going on. I was still fairly junior. And I wonder now what that ended up costing our team in terms of what we learned, our professional growth, as well as just the team's ability to do the job when we're being actively discouraged from asking questions. So, Patty, back to your question or your framing of business and executives and leaders, what do you do when the boss's favorite phrase is, don't go there? And at the risk of answering a question, I think the answer might be, yeah, ask the questions.

Patti 18:02

I I love that. It reminds me of, and I might have mentioned this in previous podcasts, um, when my parents would go to parent-teacher conferences from a very, you know, young age. I was the annoying one who was always raising my hand and asking questions of the teachers, and they would complain to my parents about it. And, you know, it never really understood that. I felt embarrassed by asking so many questions, right? I was made to feel ashamed. And, you know, it wasn't my father would be like, well, that's your job. Like, let her ask questions and help her. She's not asking you to answer them, right? But help her figure it out. And, you know, very grateful around that. You know, when we think about those hard questions we ask in business to our leaders, how should we be thinking about asking those questions, right? What does it look like to be able to ask a question spectively from a who perspective? And it's kind of the truth hurts kind of thing. And I think we're all afraid of what we're gonna hear. But that brings me to where I'd love to take this conversation, and no one's gonna be surprised where it is. And that is let's talk about the questions we avoid and where AI plays in and how we can make questioning more equitable. So, you know, look, we many of us are using AI to ask very sensitive questions we don't even trust our therapist to listen to. So I guess, you know, I don't know if you have used it in those ways, but do you think AI is helping us avoid them by making it easier, right? And then, you know, knowing that we're just feeding the beast every time we're asking it a prompting question, how can we make sure as individuals that AI is not just enabling our avoidance?

Dan 19:51

How do we make sure the AI isn't just enabling our avoidance, Patty? I love that question. Uh, and that sparks an idea that have you ever asked an AI, what are the questions I should be asking on this topic? Or even, hey AI, what questions am I avoiding on this topic?

Lynne 20:06

I'm thinking about asking AI about the questions I'm avoiding. It'll be interesting to see what it comes up with. I feel like AI also, I think it helps us avoid the questions more, right? Because it we put the information in, it spits it back out, and we don't ever have to go deeper. I I was just on a conversation today with people about coaching and AI, and the question was, you know, what makes a human conversation, a human interaction different from AI? Like what will always be true about this? And I know, Patty, you would tell me we can't say everything will always be true about AI because it'll be different by tomorrow. But I think that was the question I was left with, right? Which is, what is it about a human interaction that maybe would help create the conditions, as you were talking about earlier, Patty? Create the conditions to help us ask those questions we've been avoiding.

Dan 21:07

Yeah. And so Lynn, that reminds me of a move that you and I both use in classrooms and workshops that we run, where a participant will ask us a question. And nine times out of ten, our response is, well, what do you think? What does the group think? We sort of, instead of jumping to an answer, we turn it around and say, hey, there's a bunch of smart people in this room. Let's get that human perspective, that human response. And I just don't see that as something that AI is likely to do now or even anytime soon as AI gets better. Because it's such a human move to say, ooh, this is a great question. What do you think? What do the rest of you think? Let's explore that together, rather than, oh, you asked this question. Well, here's the answer.

Patti 21:54

Yeah, I mean, are you going to invite AI to dinner? I like the approach that you two are taking, and it's so important. Important to have a way, an easier way to ask hard questions, right? Instead of answering them, to be able to ask them in as a way to get people to talk. And you two know me enough by now to know I love conflict. And I'm a straight shooter when I speak, and I enjoy being challenged and having the shots straight back to me. Not everybody's like that. And so a lot of things, the gender work I do and have been doing for over 25 years, getting more money into the hands of female founders, right? Getting more women in decision-making rooms and actually being heard and making them, what the pushback I hear from people who don't like those types of questions are, are you trying to make it easier for women or other underrepresented populations? And the answer is no, those paths are hard. That's not what I'm saying. I just want to make it easier for them to be able to ask those questions. So it's not about I'm listening to you, and you're not saying how do we make um hard questions easier? You're saying, and what I've seen in practice is how can we make it easier to ask those questions? Which of course probably brings us back to the context in which those questions are asked.

Dan 23:21

Yeah, and Patty, you said a really important word there a minute ago. Dinner. You said dinner. Would you invite AI to dinner? And I wonder, what is it about food? What is it about a gathering around a table where we have a meal and maybe a glass or two of wine that helps us maybe ask the questions we wouldn't have asked? Or maybe that's the place where we do avoid the questions, maybe that's the place where we are safe enough to begin asking those questions. Uh there's this goofy TV show. I don't know why I watch it. Boston Blue, uh, police procedural. It's funny, it's goofy. The thing I love about this show is that regularly the family all gathers around the table, and that's where a lot of the actual drama and action happens, and they talk to each other, they listen to each other, they ask each other questions. So all that says how how do we explore this possibility of asking the hard questions, not to make them not hard, but to ask them, to make the asking less hard. Uh, I do wonder if dinner is part of the answer to that.

Lynne 24:21

I mean, I think it I think it depends on your dinner table. It's absolutely a possible place to make it easier to ask hard questions. I I think the other thing that might make it easier is to just, and I talked about this earlier, to pay attention to what you're feeling when one of those questions that you don't want to ask comes up. When you feel resistance to a question, what is that resistance trying to protect you from? What might you learn if you listen to that resistance or push back against it?

Dan 24:58

And then what changes when we stop avoiding the question, when we stop resisting? How does that change ourselves? And how does it change our connections to the people around us?

Patti 25:07

I I love that, you know, I think we can all just point at triggers, right? So, Lynn, I really like what you're saying, is it's not about how I feel about the question, it's how being asked it and pondering the answer feels inside of me. And, you know, I think one of the things I like and for folks to look up is um IFS therapy, right? Interfamily systems. It's all about how everything is kind of process driven and you know, one thing leads to another. But it's anything where you have that kind of body reaction, right? What if my head's spinning, my stomach feels nauseous, my you know, all of those things. It's because it's triggered from a previous experience, right? And some of them, and then they get like added on to. And so really I think that's important because that's where the the avoidance comes. And also, Dan, just you know, what you're saying is really important for people to think about, which is um, I am uncomfortable now, right? Am I okay with being comfortable now, knowing that this is just part of my transformation process because that's all it is. I'm uncomfortable now. And so, therefore, what are some of those mindfulness practices that I could be using, right? The awareness to presence. Am I safe now? Do I have what I need right at this moment? And by the way, one of the questions we shouldn't avoid asking, perhaps, is and what is it that I need?

Dan 26:34

And that is a great place to bring us to a close here. That's our time for today. Thanks for coming, everybody. And as promised, whoa, this was a deep one. We asked some big questions today about the questions we avoid, trying to understand when that happens and why that happens and what it all means.

Lynne 26:51

And I love that we ask about what question are you carrying that you haven't asked out loud, and what is not asking it costing you.

Patti 27:02

I love that. And look, we hope that each of you will think about any questions you're avoiding, and then be honest and ask yourself whether it's time to ask them.

Lynne 27:14

So thanks for listening today, everybody. Today's episode was sponsored by Curiosity, courage, and kindness. They make questions better.

Dan 27:24

Our music was composed by Jake Covernall.

Patti 27:27

Our cover art was created by Mad's brain.