Living Authentically: Insightful Conversations on Mental Health with Sharon Fekete

Transcript

Ernestine: 0:00

Welcome to Bon Vivant Chic Life. Well lived the podcast. For anyone who wants to cut through today's noise and just listen to meaningful conversations on the human experience and the power of connectedness. I'm your host Ernestine Morgan, and advocate for kindness with a passion for showcasing human interest stories that matter. Today I'm excited to be sitting with Sharon Fekete an inspiring author. Speaker and a strong advocate for mental health in business and life. Thank you, Sharon, for sitting down with me today. So let's get started. Thank you for having me. Can you please share a little about where you grew up and what life was like? I grew up in Long Island, New York, as they say, and life was fabulous. Mom and dad immigrated from Ireland, so they are two little leprechauns still together all these years later. I have two brothers, one who is. Three years older and one who was 10 years younger. So life was very good in Long Island, New York. Went to private school, St. Raymond's, Cullenberg Memorial, I loved it until I fell in love with Florida.

Sharon: 1:10

Who had the biggest influence on you when you were young? I'd have to say it's my family. My parents,, mom and dad, just really hard workers. Both worked in hospitals. Dad was the boss at New York Hospital. Mom was an EKG technician first, and then an Echo Tech, mercy Hospital and Nassau Hospital. Great work ethics and so much love surrounding us growing up. They definitely had the greatest impact on me as a child.

Ernestine: 1:34

What was your very first job and how did it shape you?

Sharon: 1:38

I worked at Food Town. Which was like, Publix Food Town was fantastic. It was right near my house. I used to walk there and worked there after school. On the weekends. I worked at Lawson Pub as a bus girl and then a really bad waitress later on. The work ethic is strong. Especially coming from immigrant parents, with all of the great opportunities we have here in the States, and they certainly encouraged us to work hard.

Ernestine: 2:03

Share a little bit about your journey and how you landed in Belleair Florida.

Sharon: 2:06

Like many here that end up in Tampa Bay, Florida, my parents had a timeshare in Madeira Beach. So I would come here and I loved it. Oh my God, Ernestine, it was so beautiful. And I used to think, wow, do people really live here? I would get on the plane going home and think, man, people have jobs. Maybe one day I'll live there because I lived in Long Beach, New York, before I left, and I really loved. Riding my bike and being on the boardwalk and being at the beach, and I love being surrounded by water. I don't think really knew back then how the seasons affected me until I learned more about seasonal affective disorder. But you work Monday to Friday and the weekend would come. And guess what? It would rain. So the summers were not always the best, I think that it really made a difference when the sun was shining for me. So I really needed to be in it. And it is true, and it is a real thing. Seasonal affective disorder, they call it sad. I've interviewed the doctor that actually, came up with the term and has written many books about it. Madera Beach was really, the catalyst. I knew I wanted to be in this area when I moved here 20 years ago. And I landed in Indian Rock Beach. I love Indian Rock Beach the best. So shabby chic. 13th Avenue, Indian Rocks Beach. I named my media company after 13th Avenue Media. I loved it there. I loved it so much. I bought my first house in Harbor Hills cause I came from New York, I couldn't believe how inexpensive it was. I'm not talking about present day, this is 20 years ago. How inexpensive it was to have such a beautiful home in such a beautiful area. It was less than my rent in New York. I just love this area and thankfully when I met Rob on match.com, we've been married 15 years now. We've been together 17. There was a lot of shame around match.com. I certainly didn't tell anybody. I remember the girls at my office asked me where I met Rob, and I told them Walgreens, why was I proud of? Walgreens compared to match.com, it certainly is a different world now. Has lived in this community since he was five. He always likes to joke and say he packed up the family from Illinois when he was five and came here, so he grew up here. We still have a home in, Belleair Bluffs

Ernestine: 4:03

rob is our local UPS driver. He's. So nice. Always waves and brings the box right up to your front door instead of leaving it at the end of your driveway. He's

Sharon: 4:14

the best UPS man extraordinaire coming up on 34 years in that company.

Ernestine: 4:18

That's great. What are some of the most rewarding moments? While writing your books.

Sharon: 4:23

The first book is The Broken Road to Mental Health and Life and In Business, and that's my memoir. That's where, I really tell the. Dirty, dirty of all the things. At the end of every chapter there's, a business life parallel and a business tip. That was 2019. Then we all know what happened in 2020. Everything changed, for the last. Six years. It's hard to believe it's been this long everything broke open for me. That's why I wrote this second book called The Broken Open Road to Mental Health. It is my Business because I didn't know in 2019 that it would turn out to be my business.

Ernestine: 4:53

What was the impetus to this? That's a motivated you to do that.

Sharon: 4:55

I was, writing for a local magazine as a wellness editor and we were doing an event I looked out into the audience and I had my panel of doctors that were working with me as my clients, and I saw two people that were very prominent. Successful in our community. One had lost their child to an overdose and the other had lost their brother to suicide. Here I was, in this beautiful place with these physician clients sitting next to me. And for the first time I sat out loud that I was sober for, 22 years at the time, and that's, the first. Thing that changed because I think everybody saw that I had run medical practices and had a lot of physicians as friends and as my clients. So whatever anybody did think of me, they had no idea what I had been through as a young adult. Because I had restructured so many medical practices and work with so many teams and employees, I really understood that if we have a mentally well workplace. And realize that a lot of people have been through a lot and sometimes bring that to the workplace. Then we would just be able to have better conversations. That was the impotence of making that decision that I'm going to talk about this believe you me, not everybody thought that was a great idea, Ernestine, including that wonderful husband you mentioned, who I adore. What will people think? What will the doctors think that are your clients? What will everybody think? I really was just at a place in my life where I thought, I don't really care anymore what they think, because there were too many people suffering in silence. I thought it best for somebody to take a risk like me and be vulnerable. And that's what I did. And I'm certainly glad I did it.

Ernestine: 6:21

As you share in your book. There are pivotal moments or decisions that change the course of your life. Can you dive a little deeper into that and explain?

Sharon: 6:31

There's been so many pivotal moments. I would say that getting sober was the biggest, pivotal moment of my life. So I was 21 years old, that's 30 years ago. And I was just a young buck, but I had already been through two rehabs, a halfway house, and I blacked out at 19 and moved to Detroit, Michigan. I used to say that and almost make a joke'cause I've been telling that story for 30 years now, and there's nothing funny about it. But I think that within all of the trauma that I had endured, it was easier for me to make everybody else feel comfortable. I'm good at making jokes'cause we're Irish and we're from New York. That was pivotal for me to get sober and learn how to live life without any mind altering substances. I have successfully done that for 30 years with the help of community and recovery and family and love and. Therapists, somatic therapy, so many things. That was the most pivotal, spot of my life. And then there were more down this journey. But I would say getting sober has been the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

Ernestine: 7:28

You mentioned earlier, in our discussion about aa mm-hmm and that really was the only thing out there. Yeah. That it, right? And now there's other things, but talk a little bit about that.

Sharon: 7:39

Now imagine being 21 finally being legal and you can't drink anymore. And now I'm gonna be surrounded by people that are a lot older than me. And I thought wow, how did you end up here? Now this is your life. You're gonna be with all these old people. And now I'm one of them., I really feel like today there's a lot of, sober influencers. There's dry January, it's easier to have access. People are talking about it more. It's not as shameful, but that shame is still there. There was no other way, but AA and I thank God for it because the opposite of addiction is community. For me, isolation and what everybody experienced in this global pandemic was a lot of isolation and loneliness. The Surgeon General called it the Loneliness Pandemic after the Global Pandemic. I think that isolation can lead to many addictions, not just alcohol and drugs. There's something to be said about community and Alcoholics Anonymous really saved my life because it was people that did not judge me, and people being vulnerable. I've only been surrounded by people for 30 years that have been vulnerable. I don't know any other way

Ernestine: 8:38

You've written a book. Give speeches. And you're also coaching. Talk a little bit about that.

Sharon: 8:43

After I wrote my first book, I thought, I'm gonna throw my hat in the ring to be a keynote speaker, and I gave my first keynote. In Boca Raton for the Florida Senior Living Association, which was great. And then I've done a whole bunch, I just got back from Hilton Head talking about mental health in the workplace is one of the most satisfying things in the world because I'm able to talk about what I've done in business and my previous life of addiction and alcoholism and then bring it all together and how we can have these conversations, about mental health and life and in business. Being able to have that conversation has been life changing for me. Coaching is nothing new to me because I've been in business on my own for 11 years. I've coached doctors, surgeons, lawyers, executives in business, but all of my business coaching was based in life. That's why I always talk about,, the parallel between life and business life and business, all the same thing. How we do life is how we do business. So if you're shady in your life, you're gonna be shady in your business. I try to get to the point, and that's the New Yorker in me, I've really had some serious life happen to me, not so great, and then really great. To have 30 years of sobriety and no longer struggle with depression and have, a real prescription for wellness, I think a lot of people want. Somebody that has lived experience and that's what happened to me. When I wrote my first book, I mentioned Ben Figueres, who's the EAP at New York Hospital where my dad worked. And he's really the one that saved my life because he was the only one brave enough to ask if I was having suicidal thoughts. He was so brave because he was in recovery himself. So me being able to identify with somebody and feeling safe in his presence and not judged. And him being able to tell me about him opened the floodgates for me to be safe in a psychologically courageous, safe space where I could tell him how I felt. I never forgot that. And the fact that an EAP in business not only helped my dad while I was in a blackout in Detroit, Michigan, but then to. Help his daughter. And now for me to speak about that is really full circle. Lived experience is real. People come to me, they tell me everything, and then I usually shift them to have you ever thought about trauma therapy? Have you ever thought about, family therapy or Whatever other, resource I can give to people. I'm more of where they start.'cause a lot of people come to me and they say. I went to therapy 25 years ago, Sharon. I'm like, oh, let's go then.

Ernestine: 10:50

Let's have a conversation. It's great to hear that, you're able to just listened probably. You're a good listener.

Sharon: 10:55

A lot of listening.

Ernestine: 10:56

On a lighter side, you shared with me, that you and your friend were on a show called, say Yes to the dress. Tell us a little

Sharon: 11:03

Back in the day when I was managing a pediatric practice in Pinellas County, there were 33 women. I was going to a wedding in New York of a friend of mine. They said, well, you're gonna go to Kleinfelds, right? You're gonna get on that show, say yes to the address. And I'd never heard of that magical place that they were talking about Kleinfelds. I'm like, listen, I'm from Long Island. Not Manhattan. I said, sure I'm gonna try. My best friend who's a nurse practitioner, O-B-G-Y-N in New York, went through a very traumatic event. She was stabbed. It's terrible, she lived next to a country club. Still does. And it was very random. So we had a story, but my girlfriend, Wendy, is very, very funny. Everybody knows Wendy, people barely come up to me and ask me if I was on the show, but all of her patients say, didn't I see you on CS address? So not only were we on that show, I have a stepson, he's 21 now. He was only three when I met him. My little, precious 5-year-old stepson was on the show. And my old boss, Dr. Greg did our wedding vows because they came back and recorded our show right here in Clearwater, Florida. Oh, that's terrific. How fun. It's called Family Ties. That's the episode. A lot of people then, when they hear, an interview and they go, I don't know what to look up It's not like Sharon a searchable name for Say Yes to the Dress. You think didn't, I mean, come on. Not easy to

Ernestine: 12:16

I've been noticing more and more restaurants, giving people an option for these mocktails non-alcoholic drinks. I just read in the paper the other day that Singapore has just opened a non-alcoholic bar. Which is really interesting. How do you navigate through a culture or society there's a lot. Of the social circles of good food, good wine, good friends. How do you navigate through that

Sharon: 12:45

Thank you for that question. When I got sober at 21, there were a lot of young people. I was very lucky. There were a group of us that got sober together. We used to go to sober clubs. I had the time of my life going to Choices. I learned. Early that I could still have a good time without alcohol. It's 30 years. For me it's not difficult. But in the beginning, if I didn't have what I had, which was a group of young people that were getting sober at the same time, and I'm still very close to them, life could have been very challenging. But I do remember how scared I was about getting married. Just because I wasn't gonna be able to do that. Champagne toast. What will I do at my wedding? I got married and didn't drink and a lot of things have happened and I haven't had to drink. In the beginning I think it's important that, they say a lot in the rooms of aa, people, places, and things. I had to change all of that, I don't go to bars. I think that this place in Singapore, you're gonna see that a lot more. This is trending this way, no matter what people say about the state, sometimes we find when we leave the country, people are a little more forward thinking than us even, and there's great places here locally. Valentino's has wonderful drinks that actually taste good. I'm not really into mocktails, but I did have an espresso martini. With no alcohol. They were very, serious about that because they knew in Italy this is becoming very popular too. So in other countries it is becoming popular. I went to Ireland, for my 50th my dad's 80th, and my cousins were drinking non-alcoholic Heineken. These mocktails are so full of sugar. They're gross to me. They're too much sugar. So I think people are gonna get more thoughtful if they're smart in business, in the hospitality industry, and really start doing that. We have another place right here Joseph's tea in Dunedin that has tea based mocktails. Which is delicious because it's tea. I had my first old fashioned Ernestine, if you ever wanna go, have a great old fashioned with no alcohol and tea base. Joseph St is the place and it's delicious, there's nothing worse than being a 52-year-old woman and going out to a fine restaurant and somebody asking me if I'd like a drink. And then I say, what are your options for somebody who doesn't drink alcohol? Oh, well we have soda. I don't drink soda. We really have to get on trend people. There's a place in St. Petersburg called Urban Flow, that's all NA beer at any craft beer. That business is booming. I think that this trend will happen because, encouraging people to stay in their brains and have a good time is a real thing. If we wanna help the future generations not to get addicted to alcohol and drugs, let's be the example and show them that we can serve beers or better mocktails without all that sugar.

Ernestine: 15:10

What are some life lessons you've learned that you wish you knew earlier?

Sharon: 15:14

I don't have to save everybody. I don't have to save anybody. A lot of people that are recovering or are children of alcoholics or siblings, some fall into this category of trying to help. That's why Al-Anon is such a great program, and there's a lot of support for families. Once I realized that I could stay sober. I really wanted to save everybody's life. That's how it felt. Nobody asked me. And then I got caught in that web, that this is how I get validated by helping somebody else. I put myself way less on that list. And that is why, on the airplane they say to put the mask on first because we can't help anybody unless we're helping ourselves. That was the longest and hardest lesson for me to learn. I really don't have to save anybody, especially that doesn't want help. And there's a lot of them out there. People that don't want help are not ready.

Ernestine: 16:03

We talked about the ripple effect, what's happening is really impacting everybody around you. Yeah. And, you found that also, during your journey, I'm sure.

Sharon: 16:13

Yeah. Absolutely., I understand it more than anything now that I really have to help myself before I can help somebody else. And I can be an example to somebody else, but I really have to remove myself. From people that are practicing unhealthy lifestyles because that will ultimately affect somebody like me. There's a lot of great podcasts, yours included, having great conversations like this, vulnerable conversations. There's a lot joy when we go through the pain and I think that is. Not understood so often is that it's not just the person who is struggling with addiction or alcoholism that needs help. It's the whole family. It affects all of us. So if you are the daughter or the son or the sibling of somebody that was alcoholic or addicted or has died by suicide, there are many, many people that. Are surrounded by shame when it comes to overdose and suicide because it's not like people are jumping to bring a casserole over to your house. They don't know what to say. They don't know how to say it. And then we all see these posts, right? That this person was alive yesterday and now they're not alive and we're left to think what happened. Because there's so much shame. About alcoholism and overdose yeah, I think it is a ripple effect. Be the example of good and recovery and wellness, and you will attract that in your life. What lessons about family and relationships have you learned communication is the most important thing? The closest relationships that I have in my life. Or because we've been able to have very difficult and challenging conversations we've heard each other and been able to say, I really regret what I did. I really regret what I said. What can I do to make it up to you? I learned that in recovery. I feel like I had these life lessons starting at 21 years old. Of how to make a mistake and then make a direct amen. I don't think that's very common. Going radio silence on somebody, or ghosting as the kids say. It's not an effective way to have a relationship. The worst things that we can do is to ignore, and the best thing to do is to go through. It'll bring you closer to somebody. I promise you that.

Ernestine: 18:09

What do you think is the secret to a happy and fulfilling life

Sharon: 18:13

i'm very lucky that my books are out, you wanna know something about me, just listen to my books or read my books. There's no shame in anything that I've gone through. It has made me the person that I am today. I am grateful, filled with joy love and empathy for people. I can see somebody driving here that's homeless and think that's me. That was me. How would I ever judge somebody else when I've been through those hard times myself? Truth is very freeing, and the more that we are vulnerable with somebody else about what we've been through, that's when we normalize this conversation surrounding mental health. People ask me all the time, Sharon, how do we remove the stigma? Not a great fan of that word. Stigma, because I think there's stigma around stigma. This is just having a normal conversation about mental health. We've all been through stuff and there's no shame in it, but the more we silence it, the bigger it gets. That's why I call it the deafening silence.

Ernestine: 18:59

Good point. What advice would you give someone in their twenties and thirties? You pivoted, and. Rediscovered yourself in your early twenties what words of wisdom would you share with anyone in their twenties or thirties?

Sharon: 19:11

I'll speak to the ones that might be struggling, and then I'll speak to the ones that are like, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. Mm-hmm. the ones that are struggling, I'm an advocate for therapy. I'm in somatic therapy. I love therapy. I love paying somebody not to tell anybody what I say. I would encourage people to find a professional, find a coach, find somebody they can trust. If you think that going to your friend that is also depressed is helping you, I'm going say no. Go to the people that are gonna tell you the truth, because those are the people that will really love you back to health. It's the people that tell you what you wanna hear. Those aren't the people that are gonna help you. So if you can't find that in your friends or your family, that's when you go to a professional. We have to normalize getting outside help the everyday kid today that is struggling, I have a 21-year-old stepson who's about to hopefully finish up his bachelor's for engineering, live, go live, go try everything. I'm so grateful that when somebody said. You think you could be Director of operations for New York Medical? And I said yes, and I was scared to death. It changed everything. When somebody said, do you think that you could be a keynote speaker and scared to Yes. Do you think you should write a book? Yes. Say yes more try things. That's really when we learn, is when we try and fail. We make mistakes. Go for it in your twenties. Go for it. But find people that you can trust because it's true. You know who you surround yourself with is who you become. If you're surrounding yourself with people that are negative or have a bad reputation, you will become them. And there's been a lot of well, if she didn't hang out with this person, she wouldn't have ended up that way. No. It's all about who we are ourselves, but attracting people that are leveling up, is only going to happen when you are living your truth.

Ernestine: 20:43

What keeps you motivated and inspired every day? What does your day look like? You do some meditation, yeah. You work out? Yes. I get up at five 30 every morning. Good for you. Thank you. I get up at five 15.

Sharon: 20:54

Girl, I used to be part of the 5:00 AM club, but I stretched until five 30 and I exercise first. I'm either doing strength training or I have a Peloton, which I'm very blessed. My husband got me that for my 50th. I'm always bike riding, but after I exercise, I meditate. I absolutely do not leave my house without meditation, I usually have at least 30 minutes of meditation. Being quiet is very important. Getting connected to source is very important to me. I do a lot of guided meditation, and then I will be silent because the silence is where the answers come, and it's also the most difficult. I will say too, because anybody that is listening that is going to say the same thing that I said for many years, there's no way I could meditate. My mind is too busy or I can't stop these thoughts. Then you're right. If you say that you can't do it, you're right. But if you believe that story, then that's the story. You will continue to tell yourself and everybody else around you, and that's not helpful. So you can do it. But you don't have to do it alone. There's own meditation and wellness and safety harbor. I meditated last night in a silk aerial hanging cocoon with sound bowls and everything. Phenomenal. Amy Triplet, is a. Licensed medical health counselor, also a hypnotist and owns own meditation. It's very bougie and beautiful Uhhuh and right on Main Street and Safety Harbor. But there's so many things that we could do, but it's just a matter of starting. Nobody has to do 30 minutes like I do. This was not how it started for me. It started with two minutes. And has led up to this where I can't wait to meditate because I know the benefits of it. It is in the silence that we get the answers. If we cannot quiet our minds, we will continue to react versus responding. Not only is it great for us in our personal life, but as leaders, as business owners, if you cannot regulate your nervous system, you're going to have a lot of problems in the business world. Learning to, say, When somebody says something nuts out to you, go, huh? Yeah. Let me get back to you about that. Instead of, which is, definitely who I was, over a decade ago. They call it a practice for a reason. It's a practice. I'm very serious about that. Outside walks, we live in the greatest place in the world. I'm always going over the Bel Air Causeway on my bike or walking or running downhill. I just take advantage of all that we have here. I was kayaking with, empowerment over the weekend and did a 5K walk with nami, the National Alliance of Mental Illness recently. There's so many things that we could do to be well, we just have to be willing to put in the work to be well. Because it doesn't happen.

Ernestine: 23:14

There's all these studies too about grounding. Yes. Closer to nature, yes. Taking your shoes off and putting them on the earth.

Sharon: 23:21

Just got back from New York and I'm going and The first thing I want to do is take my shoes off and put my feet in the grass at Central Park. That's not a thing I would've been excited to do before, there's so much to be said about Yeah, just put your feet in the grass

Ernestine: 23:35

I've been in the philanthropic space for over 25 years. Yeah. And I've met some really interesting people through my journey, and also through my travels. Philanthropy means different things to different people. Mm-hmm. And, I'm curious, what does philanthropy

Sharon: 23:49

mean to you? Well, I think it's a responsibility. For us all to give back. I mentioned that homeless person I can see walking by and see myself in them. So I am not better than any other human being, walking this planet right along with me. I have been saved many, many times and it would be a disservice to a greater source than myself to not give back. I've been in business for 11 years on my own now, I really had no idea how much opportunity there is for philanthropy. But what I will say about it for me now is that it has to be aligned with mental health or addiction or alcohol, because that is the most important thing to me. Being able to support spaces like NAMI and empowerment, is important to me and giving back to women because I think that it's important that we support each other. Being a part of International Women's Day every year. Aligning myself with organizations that are doing good work and that their leaders are doing what they say they're doing is very important. I think it's very important that we all get to know whoever we decide to give back to. Who knew until I opened my business, how much opportunity there is to help somebody else. One of the greatest ways to get well is to get out of your own way and help somebody else. I'm down with philanthropy and I've loved all the work that you've done, Ernestine.

Ernestine: 25:01

Thank you. All the work that you do to help others. Is, very honorable. Thank you. And, I am so glad that we had a chance to sit down and chat a little this afternoon. Interesting how we connected on social media. Right? Yeah. I mean,

Sharon: 25:16

who knew?

Ernestine: 25:17

Who knew that you were right around the corner? I will tell you that one of the things I've been working on is to be present wherever I am. Because I've spent so much of my life being in five different places at one time. I wanna be intentional in my relationships, and I wanna be focused.

Sharon: 25:33

If that pandemic pause didn't do one thing, it made me realize that life is short. And that whatever it is that we're doing today, hopefully it will be intentional and that we can be present with the person that is sitting across from us yeah, absolutely. So I'm happy for you. Every day

Ernestine: 25:52

is a

Sharon: 25:52

gift. Amen. Yes it is. Thank you.

Ernestine: 25:55

Thanks for listening to Bon Vivant Chic life Well Lived. I hope you'll tune in for more meaningful stories on the human experience and share with family and friends. All the episodes are available on Spotify Buzz Sprout, Apple and on my website, bonvivantchic.com. Till next time, remember, every day is a gift. Live it. Kindness matters.