Bon Vivant Chic - Life Well Lived

Roanoke Reflections: The Power of Community featuring Lauren Ellerman with Erin Ashwell

• Emorganbonvivant

Share episode
Ernestine:

Welcome to Bon Vivant Chic Life Well lived the podcast. For anyone who wants to cut through today's noise and listen to meaningful conversations on the human experience and the power of connectedness. I'm your host, Ernestine Morgan, an advocate for kindness with a passion for showcasing human interest, stories that matter. Today I'm on the road and happy to be sitting with Lauren Ellerman. Lauren is an attorney. Here in Roanoke, Virginia and my bonus daughter. Besides a thriving law practice, she and her husband Whit are the proprietors of several businesses in town and parents to our precious granddaughter, Maggie. We also share a common attribute, our passion as advocates for kindness so let's get started. Lauren, thanks for sitting down with me today. Thanks, Ernie. Can you please share a little about where you grew up and what life was like?

Lauren:

I grew up in Haymarket, Virginia, which is now a DC suburb, but then was a beautiful part of Prince William County, Virginia that was rural most of my growing up was on this absolutely gorgeous 18 acres of land at the foot of Bull Run Mountain we would. Pull into the driveway every day and see herds of deer. In the summertime we would catch box turtles in the pod next door, and look for snakes in the yard and it's absolutely beautiful.

Ernestine:

What are some of your fondest memories?

Lauren:

I think my fondest childhood memories involved the house We grew up in being outside, playing with neighbor's, kids. We would pack a backpack with peanut butter crackers in the morning and go explore the mountain and come back at three o'clock in the afternoon. I have a twin brother, and our closest friends were maybe half a block away. The four of us would spend a lot of summer days, at the pool or selling. Crystal light lemonade to golfers or selling beer to golfers. We didn't know you weren't supposed to do that. One day my brother and I were selling used golf balls crystal light lemonade and trail mix to golfers on the 18th tee near where we lived. Some golfers said, you guys aren't selling any beer? We were probably about seven. We said, oh, that's a great idea. We pulled our wagon up to the house. Dad wasn't a beer drinker, but he had warm beer in the garage for friends, and we loaded all of dad's warm beer into our wagon. Our grandmother watched us do this and did not say a word. We then pulled the wagon down and started selling cans of Miller Lite for 25 cents a can for the rest of the day. Till the golf broke, came out and told us we weren't allowed to do that anymore. So there you go, kid.

Ernestine:

those are my happiest memories. How did you end up in Roanoke, Virginia?

Lauren:

So whit and freshman year at William and Mary, and we've been together ever since. He is from a town about 45 minutes south of here. I thought the plan was that we were gonna get jobs after law school in Northern Virginia, near Haymarket, where I was from. So I went up there, got a job, bought a house. The plan was for Whit to follow, and then he got a job here in Roanoke. I remember the call when he said, I'm taking the job in Roanoke. I thought that meant we were breaking up. I was like, that's it. I'm dumping the guy. He did not follow the plan. The plan was to move to Northern Virginia. I really thought this is sad, our relationship is over, but Roanoke iss my favorite place I've ever lived. Oh. So I'm very glad to be here. What do you love about it? It is small enough that wherever you go, you know somebody and it is large enough that you're always meeting new people. The opportunities to get involved here are plentiful. The opportunities to serve here are plentiful and the mountains. I'm a mountain girl, so even though I lived in Florida for seven years and I like. Visiting the beaches. I feel peace in the

Ernestine:

mountains. For anyone that wants to come see Roanoke. We're actually staying in this Airbnb where we're doing this recording. If you hear in the background a train going by and. Tooting its horn or some kind of funny noise. That is because we are recording in this really old house called Stone House.

Lauren:

It's probably 120, 130 years old. And it's owned by Black Dog Salvage. There was a TV show for years called Salvage Dogs, and that's all filmed right here. They built this house out of reclaimed material and they refinished it. My closest buddy is in charge of this house, so we're so grateful.

Ernestine:

We love Krista. This has been really fun staying here.

Lauren:

Yes.

Ernestine:

Who had the biggest influence on you, when you were growing up?

Lauren:

My mom. A hundred percent. My mom, quit work when Brett and I were born and was a stay at home mom that was her calling.

Ernestine:

What was it that your mom taught you?

Lauren:

My mom taught me hospitality. She always believed the more the merrier. If I had come home from school on a Friday and said, mom. There's a family at school and they can't stay in their house this weekend'cause of termites. She'd say, okay, great. They can stay with There was never a hesitation to have more people over. The dining room table could always be added to. the funniest thing, dad's work colleagues, guys that were executives at Firestone Tire. Who would come to work with dad for a week? They didn't stay at a local hotel. They stayed in our guest room, which is kind of wild when you think about it, that your work colleagues would be eating breakfast with you every morning and riding to work with you. But that's how we did it. And that was mom. She was the youngest of four and I think she just learned her place was making a place for everybody. She did that beautifully.

Ernestine:

That's, wonderful. You have a twin. Yes. I have a twin brother,

Lauren:

I still try to boss him around. He hates that.

Ernestine:

What was your very first job and how did it shape you?

Lauren:

I babysat a lot in middle school, but my first paying job was at Einstein Bagels What I learned there is that whether you're giving someone a$4 bagel with smear. You can be hospitable and make their day better by good service. So I learned a lot about, there is no small job. I loved the 5:00 AM shift.'cause that's when the police officers would come by and the guys that worked in Tampa who would stop and get their coffee and bagels on their way across Courtney Campbell. You could really make someone's day by just being kind and energetic and providing good service. I loved that part. Much better job than lifeguarding because moms would just leave me their children and I'd have to babysit them. So I'd much rather work at Einstein's than lifeguard at Carlouel

Ernestine:

have there been any pivotal moments or decisions that changed the course of your life?

Lauren:

I think moving to Roanoke was probably the most pivotal because I really thought, this was not the plan. We are not doing this. I can directly trace. My law career to moving here and I love who I work with. I can directly trace my daughter to living here. All the choices we have made have become. Because of the community.

Ernestine:

Maggie,

Lauren:

I have an almost 13-year-old who is a miracle of miracles. She was born one pound six ounces, and she is healthy. Last week she had her 13-year-old checkup and her pediatrician said, this is the healthiest one pound baby I have ever taken care of. We really thought Maggie would have. Significant developmental delays, health problems, vision problems heart problems or brain damage so the fact that she is a healthy eye rolling preteen is the best thing in world. I had help syndrome, it's H-E-L-L-P when your body treats the fetus as an infection and starts killing the baby. You have to deliver, or moms will hemorrhage and babies will die. Maggie was delivered at 25 weeks at one pound, six ounces, and lived in our local NICU for almost three months. Born on July 4th. Came home September 23rd.

Ernestine:

She's a beautiful girl. She's everything precious. She loves her horses too, doesn't she?

Lauren:

We tried all the things that you do as parents, let's try ballet, let's try soccer. And she hated everything except a thousand pound horses. So there we go.

Ernestine:

And you're involved in a lot of different businesses.

Lauren:

we own four businesses here in town, in addition to the law firm. We are too busy and we're trying to. Be less busy.

Ernestine:

What are some life lessons that you, have learned that you wish you had known earlier?

Lauren:

What I'm learning in middle age is that busyness is not the value I used to think it was. I think maybe that's something you have to learn, but maybe I would've liked to have said to my 30-year-old self, you can. Take a little more time for yourself where you can be a little less busy and you will still be valued. So I think, unfortunately, I've always thought I was in a race that I had to achieve more or do more in order to be seen or to be valued. And now at 46, I realize that's, unnecessary,

Ernestine:

62 and I'm still trying to learn and I'm working on this really hard is how to be present. That's been really hard for me. I think if you're in your forties or fifties, if you can kind of nail that down early, it won't be so hard for you down the road. So I'm still working on that. It's, a work in progress,

Lauren:

I found a few things are helpful, I am trying to be more present because I can plan away my life. I can worry about things that are gonna happen in four weeks and miss the beauty of today. I struggle with that too.

Ernestine:

Think we just cram our calendars

Lauren:

I know about journaling, work plan, all this. I know about journaling and meditating and therapy and doing all of those things, but just to take a deep breath and tell my nervous system, you don't have to do all this today.

Ernestine:

What lessons about family and relationships would you pass along to the younger generation?

Lauren:

I had the arrogance to think that I could plan my life. I remember I wrote a letter to myself, which I found a couple years ago, I think this was a youth group assignment, about write a letter to your future family about what you want your life to be like. I could tell you the year I wanted to get married, the year I wanted to have children, how many children where I wanted to work, what I wanted to do. And that is so stupid because none of that happens. It just doesn't, I love the, we make plans and God laughs, I think my advice would just be, have an idea of the direction you wanna go, but don't be so wed to these silly things. Like getting married at a certain age, all I can say is even if you're a type A like me, let it go and just see where life takes you and be more present.

Ernestine:

What advice would you have for anyone interested in practicing law still in school or just starting their journey?

Lauren:

I love being a lawyer, but I got to choose. I didn't have$300,000 of student loans like most of my classmates did. So I got to choose the kind of practice I wanted to do cause I didn't have to pay off. Essentially three mortgages one year out of school. I say if you're going to be an attorney because you wanna help people go to a school where you get student loan, money or, scholarships. It's really hard to help people when you have all those loans. Then you take the big corporate job that pays your loans back, but you're not really helping people. You're just moving money from one corporation to another. So I was really lucky I didn't have to do that. And I love my practice, but I had the privilege of choosing my practice. Not because of finances, but because of what I wanted to do. It is unfortunately an economic decision. If you really wanna help people, if you wanna work in legal aid or environmental law, or be a plaintiff's attorney or help individuals, humans, not corporations, you really can't graduate with a bunch of loan money.

Ernestine:

What do you think is the secret to a fulfilling and happy life?

Lauren:

People, I think relationships. Friendships, family. I think that's the juice. I think we're created to be communal creatures. When we went to Africa a couple years ago, we would learn a lot about which were the herd animals and which were the solitary animals the women lions. We're all together. And then you'd see these poor men all by themselves, and they just looked haggard and exhausted. I felt like that was such an analogy for American relationships. Women, we are a little bit better at finding community than men. But community, I think finding those people that you don't have to show off for that when they say, how are you? You don't go, oh, I'm great. But you can be honest and say, this week was terrible, or This week was hard. I'm really struggling with this. I think finding community that you can openly communicate with. And be yourself and not have to put on a fake face.

Ernestine:

Relationships today in particular, this is what I've found, is that you really have to be intentional about these relationships.'cause everybody's so busy there's only so much time in the day and you really have to carve out and be intentional about who you're spending your time with.

Lauren:

I love the idea in Ecclesiastes of the seasonality of things, but there are some friendships that you just stop. Just like relationships. If this person is not giving to you and they're take, take, taking, be done. It's okay to move on. And I think it's all right to choose the people that fill you up. I'm gonna share this'cause I think it's beautiful someone once gave me the analogy that your relationships are like the rings of a tree. If you were to cut an oak tree in half and you'd see 20 rings on it the core of the tree. Where all of the nutrients are, which relationships help feed your tree, put them closer and put the other ones on the outside. And so there might be people of your 20 people that you need to push away just to have a little less time and people you need to pull closer. And I love that idea of who's closest. Who's on the closest ring and who have you graduated to? The exterior rings. That's a beautiful analogy It is. It's helped me a lot. I didn't invent it, I was the person, a poet. She was somebody who'd experienced the greatest tragedy in life I think she learned quickly to survive and thrive. Who she needed close and who she needed far away.

Ernestine:

What keeps you inspired and motivated? The work you do is really hard. Tell us a little bit about, your law practice.

Lauren:

We do three things, but primarily I do, medical malpractice, plaintiff's work, but also nursing home abuse and neglect. I help people who experienced a health trauma, but a really complicated health trauma because it could have been preventable. And that's really hard for people. Because we experienced a health trauma with Maggie's birth, and then my mom had chronic illness, none of which was anyone's fault. I still know how hard it is to live through that. And I tell people all the time, my doctor saved me. My doctor saved my daughter. My mom had the best care. But I do know what it's like to wake up and think that your world is crumbling because of a health trauma. I think what motivates me is that people come to me at the worst case scenario. And while I do not have all the answers, I at least provide some answers, which I feel really privileged to do. I love my work.

Ernestine:

That's great. what continues to inspire you to balance all these different businesses that you and wit have. And you have Maggie who's 13 now, how do you balance all of that? There's a lot of talk about work-life balance, which I never really could figure that out.

Lauren:

No one can. I think everybody lies just as they have figured it out. They must not do enough or they're lying.

Ernestine:

What does a day look like for you?

Lauren:

i'm very Type A, so I know exactly what I want to do that day. The older I get though, the more I need to be flexible because it never works out that way. I'm very lucky that I can do 30, 40 minutes a day of emails for Crystal Spring Grocery while I'm sitting at my law firm. My law partner's very gracious to allow me to do that, and he knows about all my side projects turn the page is mostly weekend fun, or I'll do it at night after, everybody's gone to bed we have figured out how to do the balance. I think the hardest balance though is to be with spouse and not his business partner. That is the one that we are working on. Very actively. Because when he comes home, at the end of the day, maybe I need to check off three boxes. Did you return that phone call? Did you talk to the chef? Did you do this? And he is. Done or vice versa. We are learning how to balance that. How to say, I'm not in a place where I wanna talk about the businesses right now. Or do you have five minutes to talk about the businesses?

Ernestine:

That's great. He's a terrific guy.

Lauren:

He is. And we used to joke about how we never wanted to work together as lawyers,

Ernestine:

and now we work

Lauren:

together.

Ernestine:

It's like 24 7, isn't it?

Lauren:

Yes.

Ernestine:

Philanthropy means different things to different people. What does philanthropy mean to you?

Lauren:

I think philanthropy means giving what you can for those who can't. So if it's time you give your time, if it's money, you give your money. If it's skills, we're attorneys, and so it might be pro bono legal services, I just think philanthropy means giving to others. Whatever it is you have to give.

Ernestine:

One of the projects that you started quite a few years ago, was. An impetus to an experience you had, tell us about that.

Lauren:

The program is called Turn the Page, and our mission is to create free libraries for every child born in the city of Roanoke. My dear friend Erin, when Maggie was born. Erin gave me the box set. To Little House on the Prairie, and Maggie was very premature. She lived in the NICU and we didn't know she was gonna make it. But it occurred to me that when you have a baby, you read to your baby. And even though we couldn't hold Maggie, I took book one of Little House on the Prairie up to the nicu and opened the Isolette, there's like little windows on it. And I opened one of the windows and I started reading Little House on the Prairie to Maggie. Now, two funny things about that. Number one in book, one of Little House on the Prairie paw skins a pig. And so I'm in this huge hospital room where there's 12 other families. There's no room doors. There's no curtains. They can all hear me read to Maggie about how paw is skinning the pig. So number one, probably the wrong selection for Maggie's first book. Number two, hilarious that I was reading this out loud, number three, I felt very awkward reading it to her. I couldn't hold her. I couldn't touch her at that point, and I didn't read to her for the rest of her nicu. Stay. It really bothered me that I didn't read to her. I immediately called Erin and said, I'm very lucky. I'm an educated mom. I know the importance of reading to your kids, but this is not a place where that's natural. What can we do about that? How can we bring reading to newborns and reading to infants into our local hospital experience so that every new parent. Sees the natural connection of new baby and books. How can we provide those books. Because if you can't buy diapers, if you can't buy formula, a book is something you will never buy. It is a luxury of luxuries. Erin and I sat down and started looking at the programs that were out there. Then we birthed, turn the page, and that was 12 years ago. Maggie's almost 13. We did it before Maggie turned one,

Ernestine:

Roanoke is a very close knit community. I'm happy to introduce Lauren's friend, Erin Ashwell. who's joining us now? Erin is also an attorney and recently served as Chief Deputy Attorney General for Virginia, and has a strong background in government investigations, which sounds pretty interesting, depends on the day. As a member of both the Virginia and California Bars, Aaron serves clients nationally. However, she is based here in Roanoke, Virginia. We're so happy to have you.

Erin:

I really appreciate you letting me join this conversation because, turn the page has been. A bright light. I feel like in my life, and getting to work with Lauren for a long time, I met Lauren when we first moved to Roanoke she and Whit were so welcoming. I remember the first time we all went to dinner I grew up in the region but had gone away for school and in my early adulthood. Lauren was really my introduction to Roanoke. And the other thing you realize when you work with Lauren is that she makes things possible I was interested to hear your answer on philanthropy because that felt out of reach to me for a lot of my life. To me it was, folks who have large amounts of money and can make impactful gifts. What has been amazing about Turn the Page and working with Lauren is realizing that in Roanoke, if you follow through. And have credibility, which Lauren has, you can create incredible partnerships that have impact. Turn the page has never been a very high dollar, nonprofit, but I feel like it's high impact. It's because we were able to form partnerships with the hospital, including getting access to places that are very sensitive that we need to be very respectful about.'cause families are going through a lot, to give a gift of books. And then forming a partnership with Roanoke City Schools and being welcomed into their schools and having them do things like provide bus service on Saturdays to bring families together in schools to get books and breakfast. I think that's really because of Lauren's reputation and follow through in the city.

Lauren:

Our first board member is our friend Elizabeth Martin, who's an ob, GYN. When we thought about getting into the hospital, neither Erin and I are healthcare providers and they don't wanna see us on the 10th or 14th floor, which is labor delivery in the nicu. So we immediately went to Elizabeth and said, please make these connections for us. She had been delivering babies in that hospital for 20 years. So she knew exactly who to talk to, which was great. She's still on the board and does amazing things with us, we have three different legs to our program. Our first leg is the hospital aspect. Every new baby that is born in the hospital ideally gets two brand new books that we have helped provide. I say help because we also work with this wonderful group called The Life Ring Foundation. That pays for and produces this great book called Roanoke Baby that every new family gets. And then we work with Hollands University and one of our board members. We have been writing and producing, publishing new books since day one, including re-releasing one of Margaret Wise Brown who wrote Goodnight Moon, one of her unpublished manuscripts. We've had this really neat stream of material. You can't buy these books. You can't go to Barnes and Noble and buy a Roanoke baby or, four, four feet, which was the Margaret Rise Brown. You can only get them at the hospital. They're special, they're gifts. That's, 0.1 of service. Every new family goes home with two new books. In the NICU we have book carts. The book cart is filled with selections that the families get to shop. Those families might get five books, 10 books, whatever they want. they get to choose including bilingual books, which is important. And then our third level of service is through Roanoke City Schools. That's called Books and Breakfast. That's Erin's Baby, which I love. And that started with a partnership that Erin created with city schools. It was pre

Erin:

COVID.

Lauren:

So seven

Erin:

years

Lauren:

ago, maybe eight years

Erin:

ago. And one of our concerns was we were reading the newspaper and there was one elementary school in Roanoke that was struggling to get accredited. it is also. A neighborhood with high rates of poverty. I remember Lauren and I looked, and at the time if you were on food assistance, the amount of money you were allocated for a meal is pretty much what a book cost, right? If you're in one of those families, there is no extra money for books. How can a school's children become accredited if. The families can't even afford books

Lauren:

you'd have to take the bus to the public library

Erin:

we also thought, the schools shouldn't have to do this alone. We reached out and they had a program to assist with food insecurity. we formed a partnership at different intervals to try to find the right balance for the school in the neighborhood. They run a bus around the neighborhood. We now do this at three schools, and the school provides breakfast for anyone who comes. Part of what I love how do we feel like we're making a difference, you see grandmas coming with their friends and a whole group of children just bringing everybody sitting and having breakfast together and then reading to the kids. To me that's part of the impact.'Cause that's what we wanted to grow. So they run that and then we set up a beautiful bookstore. But the books are free. And we have learned from the students over time. I realized the books that I grew up with. Lauren Engles Wilder. Those are not the books that kids want today. They want Dog Man. and so we learned over time how to buy the right books. The other two things that make me believe we have an impact are that the teachers choose to come. And it was important to us to not put more of a burden on the teachers.'cause we know teachers in these schools are already doing things like buying the kids' shoes, buying supplies out of their own pocket. And I did not want them to feel like they had to come, but they've been choosing to come because the kids, parents or caretakers come. And we've had some of the teachers tell us, we get more people at Books and breakfast than we get it back to school night. and this is our opportunity to interact with the families and have positive interactions that are not about discipline or falling behind. We had to take a break during COVID. One of the things that was really wonderful was that the school system wanted us back and they were open to us expanding to a third school.

Ernestine:

Larry and I came up one year that was Christmas and volunteered the smiles on their faces was just so impactful for us. It makes you feel good to volunteer and be part of that. It really does. You

Erin:

all were necessary because that was, I think the first Christmas we did it packed. We were unprepared for the number of people.

Lauren:

What was so meaningful then is when we were kids, you would get your Sunday best on and you'd go to the mall to sit with Santa Most of the families came in their beautiful Christmas dresses and little boys in their ties and suits dressed to the nines. Showing up to a school cafeteria on a Saturday morning, three weeks before Christmas to get a gift. Have breakfast as a community, and sit on Santa's lap. Santa was our mayor. We always had Mayor Lee as our great Santa and he was phenomenal.

Erin:

Part of what I love about Books and Breakfast is it's not limited to school aged children. People come with kids who are pre elementary school, kids who are post elementary school, we've also found that parents use it as a way to find out more about the school system. I remember one of the moms telling us she'd missed kindergarten registration and she came to books and breakfast to go talk to the school because she didn't wanna miss it again. And I thought that was really cool. What's the future look like for this program? Here's the really scary thing. Screens are changing kids' brains in a really negative way. Somehow a three dimensional book is gonna have to compete in the minds of parents and kids for their time and energy. Our board has really been thinking about how do we redevelop our curriculum? To not only talk about the importance of books because books can be transformative. If you are read to as a child, it can change your entire school path. If you have books in the home, it can change your likelihood of going to college. The statistics on physical books impacting your academic and career success are overwhelming. But in some families, the lie has been told that a screen does the same thing. If a kid's playing an A b, C game on your phone, oh, that's the same brain development as handing them a board book. It's not. So somehow we're gonna have to develop a curriculum that competes with the technology, because what we're seeing is the technology is really harmful and books are not, there was an article in The Atlantic this year that college kids don't know how to read a novel. professors at, top universities are finding that when they assign a book, their college kids can't read it.

Lauren:

How are we gonna compete with that? We know we have to,

Erin:

I was just thinking about that book, the Anxious Generation, the way that phones and technology change how we interact with everything. Think about what the city is facing what I love about Turn the Page is optimism and the belief that, like what I think of as little lifts, a small positive interaction. Cumulatively those can be trajectory changing. It was really hard to see what happened, to families and children when they lost the support of the schools for the length of time with COVID I think in the face of all of that, cOVID really interrupted those relationships. The relationship part of Turn the Page is to me, what I love most about it. And what I see is the optimism for the schools. The other thing I've been really excited about is the way other parts of Roanoke have joined the turn the page bandwagon. some of the high schools have committed to provide volunteers to turn the page, to go do the Saturdays, and that's cool because you have high schoolers interacting with the elementary schoolers, obviously all in a supervised environment. It's not peer to peer because they're older, but the cool older kid has a great effect in terms of emphasizing the importance of reading. And making the idea that you read all the way through school. That's terrific.

Lauren:

And also then the high school kids. Learn the importance of philanthropy. You may be a high school kid, you may not have any money. You may not be able to give money but you can give two hours on a Saturday. That's terrific.

Erin:

Been fun too. paying it

Ernestine:

forward. That's awesome.

Lauren:

Yes.

Ernestine:

Thanks, Ernie. Thanks for listening to Bon Vivant Chic Life Well Lived. I hope you'll tune in for more meaningful stories on the human experience and share with family and friends. All the episodes are available on Spotify Buzz Sprout, Apple and on my website, bonvivantchic.com Till next time, remember, every day is a gift. Live it. Kindness matters.