Bon Vivant Chic - Life Well Lived

How Gratitude Can Anchor Us : A Conversation with Lindsay Bomstein

• Emorganbonvivant

Share episode
Ernestine:

Welcome to Bon Vivant Chic Life Well Lived the podcast. For anyone who wants to cut through today's noise and just listen for a few minutes to meaningful conversations on the human experience and the power of connectedness, I'm your host Ernestine Morgan, an advocate for kindness with a passion for showcasing human interest stories that matter. Today I'm happy to be sitting with Lindsay Bomstein Lindsay and I met through my time at Morton Plant, Mease Healthcare Foundation, I've known her mother and father-in-law, Alan and Nancy Bomstein, and her husband Josh, for over 25 years. Lindsay is a life coach, writer of the blog Sit and Smile, and a facilitator of women's sacred soul circles. She co-hosts yoga, art. And writing retreats. She has also published a book. All I feel is love. Lindsay, thanks for sitting down with me today.

Lindsay:

Thanks for having me. I'm so happy to be here.

Ernestine:

Can you please share a little bit about where you grew up and. What life was like.

Lindsay:

I grew up in two different places. I was born in New Jersey and I was there until I was seven, and then my family moved to Scottsdale, Arizona. Until I was 17 and then we moved back to New Jersey, but we moved to a different part of New Jersey. So we moved to this very idyllic, beautiful town on the coast. I finished high school there, I'm the youngest of four, so it was interesting because when we moved to Arizona, my oldest sister was starting college and then when we moved. Back to New Jersey. I was the only one still at home, I had a foot in both worlds. I felt like I came from a big family and I loved being from a big family. Loved my siblings. It was really chaotic when I was younger, and then when my sister, who's closest in age to me, she's six years older. When she left for college, it was all of a sudden just me and my parents I got very used to a quieter home. There is part of me that loves being with a lot of family and the energy of that. And then I also really crave peace and quiet so yeah, both places were great. I remember getting there. Stepping off the plane and looking around and being like, where are we? It looked like Mars. We had left, the green of New Jersey in the summer and ended up in this place that literally looked like a different planet. But yes, growing up in both of those places was wonderful. My book is primarily about some of the difficult things that I've gone through, when I look back on my childhood. I am so grateful because it was a very positive, happy childhood. And I am, so appreciative to my parents for that because they were very much, in love always. They were high school sweethearts, they had fun. They had a lot of friends and they were very social and, just witnessing that was such a gift. Some of my fondest memories, definitely growing up in Arizona, we were outside all the time. Summers not so much, but the heat didn't bother me as much when I was 12 as it does now. If we were outside, we were in the pool. We had citrus trees, desert, on the side of our house and we had lemon and lime and grapefruit and orange trees. I just thought that was the coolest thing that we could go out and pick oranges. Looking back at that time, I just have the most happy memories being outside. And the sunsets in Scottsdale were so beautiful. My father loved it there,

Ernestine:

who had the biggest influence on you when you were young?

Lindsay:

I would say my older brother. He is eight years older than me we were always really close despite the age difference. We have similar senses of humor, I always looked up to him and admired him. If something happened at school, I would oftentimes talk to my brother about it, and he would make me feel better. If a girl was being mean, he would say something funny and I would laugh about it instead of feeling sad about it I loved his taste of music. We've had a lot of fun over the years and I feel like Richard is one of those people. I've always been really excited for my friends to meet my brother,'cause I'm like, oh, they're gonna like me better once they meet my brother. I really looked up to him everyone says he should be a standup comedian'cause he just walks into a room and immediately puts you at ease. He's just a very lovable, funny. Person.

Ernestine:

What was your first job and how did it shape you?

Lindsay:

From the time I was, maybe 14, I started babysitting. My first job in. The real world. When I was in high school, I actually worked at a hair salon and I worked at the front desk and washed hair. I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do for a living, but I loved taking care of people. That sparked in me. This constant threat in my life, which has always been. Wanting to help people and wanting people to feel good in my presence. I would wash their hair and realize Ooh, I'll also get a good tip if I spend a little time doing this. It made me feel really good when people would. Get up and say, oh, I'm so relaxed, or, oh, that felt so nice. I think that was, very nurturing

Ernestine:

yeah. It was

Lindsay:

like a first little spark of, oh, I wanna do something to make people feel good.

Ernestine:

There have been several very pivotal moments in your life. And you've written a beautiful memoir all I Feel is Love. Where you have shared these experiences, both devastating the loss of your parents and also happy times like meeting Josh. I had asked you the other day'cause you talk about how he had long hair. I said, I gotta see this. So you sent me the picture. It was fabulous. It's so good. And what was his name? Spirit. Spirit Horse or

Lindsay:

spirit? Horse. He's gonna love that we are discussing Spirit horse.

Ernestine:

What prompted you to put everything down and. Share it with the

Lindsay:

world. Mm-hmm. I have been writing a blog, called Sit and Smile, and I started that, I think it's been about 12 years. I've always written, so since I was a little girl, I have kept journals. Writing to me is incredibly therapeutic and spiritual. It's really a spiritual practice for me. not until I started writing my blog. Did I start sharing, my writing? It was really scary at first, but it was kind of a little experiment. I was like, let's just see how this goes. If I share this, see what kind of response I get. And it was a real practice and vulnerability and I just put it all out there. And the more honest and authentic I was, the more it resonated with people. I've said to myself over the years, as long as one person is still enjoying my writing, I'm gonna keep doing it. Anytime I've thought like, should I keep doing this? It's interesting. I'll get like a random text from someone that's like, I loved your blog today, it's felt like a really incredible. Way to connect with people in a deep, meaningful way. And I hope it's inspiring and, encourages people to share their own stories. I've gotten much more comfortable with putting myself out there. I think with the book, I of course I didn't include everything, but I included a lot. The idea behind that was just this is me. Faults and all. I'm not perfect. But this is my story and it was a therapeutic experience writing it, and I hope for people reading it, it touches something in them, and is helpful the first time I had a thought that I was gonna write a book was when I was 17 after my dad died. At the time, grief, death, dying, it wasn't as out in the open. I felt like after my dad died, I was in this kind of no man's land no one was talking about it. People were giving us, the book when Bad Things Happen to Good People, which is a beautiful book. But I wasn't seeing anything that was really directed towards me as a teenager. Sudden loss. And so it just kind of felt. At a loss. I had thought at that time like, oh, maybe someday I'll write this story and it'll be helpful to someone going through a similar thing. That's always been in the background for me. Writing is how I process my emotions and everything, I have a ton of material. During COVI. I would sit outside and I started compiling, so it was looking at notes from when my mom was sick, and writing new stuff I had the time to do that., That was the silver lining very scary, sad time. And then wrapped it up last summer when I was in Maine. We dropped, our daughters off at Sleepaway camp and then, Josh had to come back for work I spent a few more days. And it was amazing having that time to just sit with myself and write all day and finish it.

Ernestine:

You mentioned your father's passing. And you write the morning after, your father passes away, you had a vision or a dream and he was speaking to you and how. Helpful. That was for you through the process at the time, can you talk a little bit about that?

Lindsay:

He was killed in a car accident and the morning of his accident we had gotten in an argument. It was, a very silly, typical sort of father and daughter. He wanted me to sing in a voice recital and I didn't wanna do it. He left that morning and it was just not a good feeling, there was no hug and a kiss. Goodbye. It was weird. I went to school and I had a very strange unsettling feeling all day. Then I got home and found out, there was a note on the counter saying he had been in an accident and my mom would let me know what was going on. There were no cell phones then, so it was just waiting around to hear more. He was in the hospital for three days. He'd never really regained consciousness. He died on a Friday. That night I went to sleep, woke up in the morning. I sort of woke up and was like, oh my God, what just happened? Because I had had this experience and I was asleep, but it felt very lucid. So it was kind of like a lucid dream, and I call it a dream, but it really felt a lot more real than anything I've experienced in a dream. He was just looking like my dad in his happiest, most peaceful. Way. He was like, Lindsay, this is not your fault. There's so much more going on than we can see and understand, it's okay. You're gonna be okay. This is okay. And it was just such a exhale for me. It felt like he was giving me a big hug and showing me something when life gets tough and we think we understand what's going on, we probably don't really know. There's so much more. We're all so connected waking up that morning, I felt so grateful more than anything. I felt really sad. It would be years of really processing the trauma of that experience. But I was so grateful for that. It was amazing. And really from that moment on, the guilt was just, I never felt that again. I realized how silly that was to think that. What had happened had to do with me.

Ernestine:

Some people don't experience that or don't recognize it and live with the guilt forever. Yes, yes. That is a beautiful gift.

Lindsay:

My mom used to say to me Lindsay, you have such. Interesting experiences. I wanna sign, and I would say to her, I don't know. I just know that I am open to it. And I practice being open to it. I want to believe that there is something more. Because of that, I see it. Anyone listening, I think just being open to the idea that our loved ones send us signs and, Asking for signs. It's like, why not? Life can be so miraculous and magical and I wanna live in that space. So

Ernestine:

do

Lindsay:

Yeah.

Ernestine:

That's why we're sitting here talking. Exactly. You dive into a chapter, it's called Secrets. You have. What people might call a dark secret. Yes. And, you try to explain it to your mom. Her response is sort of, nonchalant in a way. Yeah. How difficult that was for you because you were looking for something more. Yes.

Lindsay:

When I was in high school, this was after my father had died, I got pregnant and chose to have an abortion. It was one of those experiences that at the time I couldn't. Really grasp what was going on. Denial is such a strong coping mechanism, I was completely not in my body. I had told a friend, I had told my boyfriend, but no one else knew what I was going through for years. Slowly as I did therapy and began coming to terms with that, experience. I told siblings and more friends and I started to get more open about it because I've realized when you talk about anything in your past that feels either shameful or embarrassing or whatever, when we bring it out into the light, it takes the shame away. My last, people to tell was my mom I just didn't wanna have anything with her that felt like there was something between us. I wanted everything to be very open and honest. And yeah, I,, geared up for this conversation with her it was really. Hard, it was uncomfortable. Difficult conversations usually are.

Ernestine:

for validation that it was Okay.

Lindsay:

I was just looking for, what I needed at that time was just a big hug and really nothing more than, oh my God. It's okay. I understand. I love you and she did say those things, but I wanted more of a conversation, this is something, I've had to work with over the years, my expectations of other people and expecting someone to respond in a way that I want them to. It was a really good lesson for me because. I think there was nothing really she could have said, this was work that I had to do for myself. I was really the only one who could talk to myself and tell myself that it was okay. And that was the lesson in the whole thing. It felt. Good to be honest with her and have had that conversation and she was so accepting and she did understand it. My mom, they're so warm and so easy to talk to, but sometimes I felt like we were on the surface a little bit, so I was always wanting to go deep and have these conversations. I don't like secrets. I don't like when things aren't, out on the table. That's not how she grew up. That's not really how she operated in the world. It was a difficult, conversation I'm so glad that we had it. When she died, knowing that there was nothing left unsaid between us was such a blessing.

Ernestine:

When your father passed away, it was very sudden. When your mother passed away, she passed away from cancer and it was long process. When she was diagnosed with cancer originally when she was 69 for the first time. When she passed away, she

Lindsay:

was 77.

Ernestine:

You went through that whole time kind of in and out. Yes. Towards the end it was, long, yes. Share a little bit about how you, navigated through the difference between the way your father died and the way your mother passed away.

Lindsay:

This is a conversation that I've had with so many people and just recently,, we lost a friend to cancer. He was only 49. I was speaking with his wife we were talking about the shock versus, the gradual acceptance when someone's sick. She was saying, the shock for her came when he was diagnosed. There's still shock involved. It's just looks different. And I thought that was such a good point. I was like, yeah, you're right. With my mom, it was really hard to see her suffer. towards the end she was very uncomfortable. She wasn't herself, she was bedbound. She was such a good sport. She was trying to have her nightly gin and tonic, and keep up a smiling face. But she wasn't herself. That was really hard to see, but there was also that anticipatory grief that happens. I do think that is a blessing because there was some mental, emotional, spiritual preparation. While it was still, sad and super shocking when she left. I did feel like. I just kept telling her how much I loved her and that it was okay to go. There were some really beautiful, moments within that period too. With my dad. It was just so shocking, it's taken a lot longer to process that. And that feeling of just having the rug taken out from underneath you really does something to your nervous system. No one diagnosed me with PTSD, but I certainly had a lot of symptoms of it. The anxiety and just waiting for the other shoe to drop and when things were going well, being so scared that something bad, was gonna happen. That was all really directly from the experience of losing someone suddenly. I've had to really work on staying in the present moment and finding peace being in my body. These things have really helped. Me and helped calm my nervous system because that experience was very different. I was also young. There was a lot that I didn't know and didn't have kids and we had just moved back to New Jersey. We were in a different part of New Jersey than where, we were from and where I was born. That also was difficult because, I had a couple of friends, but I didn't have those connections yet. So it just felt very lonely and strange.

Ernestine:

What is transpersonal psychology?

Lindsay:

Transpersonal psychology is, when you think of trans, like the word transcendence, it's sort of beyond. So transpersonal psychology is the psychology of studying, spiritual experiences, consciousness, these things that. Connect us. We talk about, Maslow's, hierarchy of needs and the, peak experiences in our lives and how important those experiences are. Transpersonal psychology is very much about, being in the body and also these spiritual things that connect us. We study different,, wisdom traditions and, learn from all of these different, indigenous spirituality. It's very unique, it combines, conventional psychology, but with this idea that, there is something else and that human beings crave that and that's always been a part of our history.

Ernestine:

Your book really. Helps the reader understand grief, which I think is terrific. As a life coach what are a few key messages you might share with us about grief?

Lindsay:

Grief is not linear. Sometimes you feel like you are making progress and feeling more yourself, and then maybe sometimes you slip back and you feel like, oh my God, why am I thinking about this all the time? Or why do I feel so down right now? Or I'm missing this person so much, that's okay. It doesn't mean that you've gone backwards. It may feel like that, but it's not what it means. It's just not a linear experience. I don't think we ever get over things. We learn to live with them and, we learn to fill these holes with other things that make us happy. I will always miss my parents. But I feel so grateful for the experience of having had them for as long as I did. I think that's really important and everybody grieves differently. There's no right or wrong way to do it.

Ernestine:

don't you think you have to really be intentional in wanting to get. Past this

Lindsay:

yeah. Sometimes that may be something that you. Can't even look at or deal with for years after. A loved one dies and that's okay. There's no rush. But at the same time, life is short and you don't want to miss this precious time with the people who are still here. And that is the weird kind of dichotomy. I look at my mom and I think, oh my God, she did such an incredible job she became a widow when she was 53. But she did such an incredible job of still living. And knowing that she had to go on because she had four kids and dear friends and, she wanted to keep living her life. And she did. And she went on to live a beautiful, happy life and travel but yeah, it is, hard. You do have to be intentional. It's something that you wanna deal with and look at. And I think sometimes if you don't, it can come back and be very strong. Or you don't know why you're having these emotions or why something triggered you. I think it can lead to other, damaging things. Mentally,

Ernestine:

tell us about these women's sacred soul circles.

Lindsay:

They are, amazing. And it's not because of me, it's because of the women who come to these circles. When I graduated from, Sophia University with a master's in transpersonal psychology. Because transpersonal psychology is seen as a little bit more woowoo, I couldn't hang a shingle and be a therapist. I've always been a little unconventional. So I wanted to use what I had learned these two years I had been studying. But I didn't really know how to do it. I started coaching. But really my circles is what I primarily am doing at this point. It's just bringing women together. I have six week circles. We always start off with an intentional moment of closing our eyes, taking a deep breath, getting into the body, and then we open it up and we might do some creative exercises, some journaling. We have meaningful conversation. They're usually about eight women. And we have certain themes, but sometimes I'll, spend time thinking about a curriculum for that day and it ends up just going out the window because someone brings a topic up that feels more important. So we just follow the thread. It's an opportunity to. Come together and close off the outside world for a minute and just meet in this very sacred. Space this is something that people have been doing since the beginning of time, sitting around the fire and sharing stories. It's cool what transpires in these groups because it's,, incredibly healing to have someone say, me too. You feel less alone. Normalizing these experiences, whether it's grief or Having an abortion, bringing these things to the light, diminishes the shame and helps us feel like, we are all just human beings going through a very messy human experience trying to figure it out.

Ernestine:

What lessons about family and relationships would you pass along to the younger generation?

Lindsay:

I have learned a lot. I'm such a relational person, and when my parents both died, it was like after each of their deaths, I felt that very strong. All that matters is our relationships. The people we love, the people that love us. That's it. There's so much stuff that we worry about. It's like none of it matters. I would say as far as people and relationships go, acceptance has been really huge for me and accepting people for who they are, as opposed to wanting them to be something that they are not. And I'll check in with myself if I am really disappointed or feel like, oh, why did someone say that? Or why didn't they do that? It's more of an opportunity for me to look at my expectations and to adjust those expectations. I really want to. Meet people from a loving perspective and offer unconditional love. There's enough judgment out there in the world. I don't wanna do that. I still do it. It's like I am nowhere near perfect. I have a friend who always says, don't go to the hardware store looking for milk. I love that expression. I think about that a lot.'cause I'm like, oh my gosh, why would I go to, this person expecting them to be. The deep listener who's going to tell me everything's all right, when they've always been my fun friend who just wants to go grab a margarita, I think acceptance of ourselves and acceptance of others is really key.

Ernestine:

What are some life lessons you've learned that you wish you knew earlier?

Lindsay:

I've struggled with anxiety. I write about this in my book, and I think when I was younger, I never knew that, until I got older and started doing yoga that our thoughts are not us. that is something I, have tried to instill in my children. We all have,, that crazy mind sometimes. When we have negative or, obtrusive thoughts that our thoughts are not who we are the one that notices our thoughts. it enables me to be a lot more gentle and kinder to myself, which in turn enables me to be more gentle and kinder with others. but I think that is a really important lesson. There's a Buddhist nun and teacher by the name Pema Chodron, and she talks about, we are the sky. Everything else is just the weather. I love that so much. Learning that thoughts just come and go and not to attach to them. Not to get too, down a rabbit hole with thoughts or feelings. No feeling is final. Letting things come in and out. Passing like clouds.

Ernestine:

What do you think is the secret to a fulfilling and happy life?

Lindsay:

I think the secret is learning to love, learning, to love ourselves., just love and compassion. I think it's as simple and as complicated as that. Working with women, there's so many times where they say, oh, I feel guilty, or I feel self-indulgent, or I don't wanna take the time. As women, we're such caregivers often, and we always wanna go out there and do for others, but I really believe that we have to take care of ourselves and then when we help others, we can come from a place of, already being fulfilled. It's coming from a very, healthy whole place instead of running ourselves ragged.

Ernestine:

Empathy is something that you can learn. It's a learned trait. I think that has really made an impact in my life. When I learned, empathy it sounds odd, but it's true.

Lindsay:

Yeah, and I love that you say that because it's so true. My God, we need kindness now more than ever we do, to connect with people to be able to say, what does it feel like in your shoes? To listen to. The person that is talking about their experience. I think is just learning how to be a good listener. Yes. These are all things that you're right, we can learn and we can practice. Learning how to listen well, learning how to love well. Learning how to have empathy and compassion and show up and not, turn away when someone is suffering even when it makes us feel uncomfortable or we feel ill-equipped. It's okay to just sit there when someone is suffering and say, I don't know. I don't know what you're going through, but I'm here with you. I wanna show up still and be here with you.

Ernestine:

What would you say keeps you inspired and motivated to keep doing what you're doing?

Lindsay:

The things like today, I was really looking forward to talking to you and getting to connect and, staying curious. I think that curiosity motivates me. I just keep thinking, no matter what, there's adventures that I don't even know what they're gonna look like. I like to live in that place of miracles and, getting to connect with people and never knowing what is in store. I think that keeps me motivated. That and my connection to a higher power. I always wanna show up and be a light.

Ernestine:

That's beautiful. I've been in the philanthropy world for 25 plus years, and philanthropy means different things to different people. What does philanthropy mean to you?

Lindsay:

Oh my gosh. Your work has been so incredible. Thank you. And my mother-in-law and I wanna mention my father-in-law too. They have taught me. So much about philanthropy and they are incredible examples of it. They're so generous with their time and donating to causes that matter to them. If you need something and you ask them. They make it happen. That has been incredibly inspiring to both Josh and myself, and I'm so grateful that our kids have seen that too. Josh is the same way. He's on a million boards. I can't even keep track. The kids will be like, where's Daddy going? I'm like, I don't know. He's doing something good. But I think, it's interesting'cause service has always been important to me. But still having kids at home, I can't volunteer as much as I would like. And I do like to be home and I. Don't run myself ragged anymore because that doesn't work for me. I think that philanthropy to me means showing up and whether that is showing up financially or showing up to an event and just being present and doing what you can. I think that sometimes we get overwhelmed thinking, if we can't give this amount of money, then oh, it's not worth it. It doesn't matter. Do what you can. There's always something that you can do. Absolutely. Yeah. So I think that's what it is., Doing what matters to you too. There's so many important causes that can also get overwhelming. For myself, I've had to simplify and, focus I'm involved with hospice here and my kids' schools, but I can't do as much as I would like. And that's okay too. Yeah, thank you.

Ernestine:

You say in your book, gratitude anchors me. And I love this.

Lindsay:

Yeah. That's something we talk a lot about in my women's groups is our anchors. So what are those things that when we feel like we're, going a mile a minute, what are the things that we. Reach towards to help us feel present in our bodies, to feel grounded. And for me, gratitude is definitely one of those things. It sounds so cliche, but. It works. It really works. It's focusing, in the mornings when we go to bed at night, just thinking about one thing that happened in the day. Another word is a glimmer that I love. Yes, I love that word too It's exactly what it sounds like. You think of the sunlight hitting the water and that glimmer and it's, focusing on that. And that does help when we're going through tough times. It's not to be Pollyanna and not to, spiritually bypass the difficult things, but I think even if it's just a quick little, paying attention and noticing the things that light us up and that feel good, my cat walking around the room even though he's crazy and I don't know if he's gonna jump on me or gimme a kiss. Really filling up on that gratitude, it is such an anchor to me. It's something I can always go back to.

Ernestine:

Your book is terrific too, because,, towards the end you have a list of dos and don'ts during grief, mm-hmm. And I think people would appreciate, when they're reading it. Mm-hmm. There was a quote you, put in there by Pierre Alhart de Chardon. Mm-hmm. Did I butcher that name? Yeah. Chardon

Lindsay:

Okay.

Ernestine:

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. I love this.

Lindsay:

It gives me chills. Thanks for

Ernestine:

sharing

Lindsay:

you're welcome. That is something that. I always think about, I go back to because I do believe in that. I think that we've gotta make the most of our time while we're here. I don't, know what it looks like. I have no idea that mystery is something that is another anchor for me. The not knowing, which I know can be anxiety inducing, but a lot of native cultures talk about the great mystery. This is a blip, this human experience. The spirituality piece is, an anchor, for sure.

Ernestine:

Thank you so much, Lindsay, for sitting down with me today. Thank you, Ernestine.

Lindsay:

Was so much fun. I really love your

Ernestine:

energy. Oh, I love

Lindsay:

yours thanks for having me

Ernestine:

thanks for listening to Bon Vivant Chic Life Well Lived I hope you'll tune in for more meaningful stories on the human experience and share with family and friends. All the episodes are available on Spotify Buzz Sprout, Apple and on my website, bonvivantchic.com till next time, remember, every day is a gift. Live it. Kindness matters.