Episode Nine - Reasonable Expectations in the 21st Century

In this week's solo episode, we dive into what you can reasonably expect from life, from yourself, from others, and from loss.

Then I ramble for a bit about things I'm passionate about because I don't want anyone to feel like they're alone.

You can find me online at www.dearpsychopomp.com

or contact@dearpsychopomp.com

I hope your weekend is gentle and full of opportunities ♡

Transcript

Anne-Marie  (00:02.008)
This is Dear Psychopomp. If you're new here, welcome. If you're not, welcome back. As usual, please note that I am not a professional psychologist, doctor, or lawyer, and the information shared on this podcast is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. And I just wanted to say, for this episode, this is episode nine, I wanted to give a heartfelt thank you to

the people who have been listening and reaching out. I've had almost 150 downloads in a month and I can't even, I didn't picture it going much further than, you know, my little office in the basement. So thank you and thank you for opening up and telling me your stories and being vulnerable with me and, you know, some people saying I made them cry, I'm sorry.

My bad. I have that effect. Others have reached out and said that I have a 1-800 operator kind of voice, which you know what? I'm gonna take that as the highest of compliments. You know, if this whole podcast thing doesn't work out, at least I have something to fall back on. Just kidding.

So, okay. I wanted to really focus, I had a blast doing research for this episode. And so this is reasonable expectations that you can have in the 21st century, a semi exhaustive list. So first of all, as you know, I like the science, so we're gonna go with the definition first.

So the definition of reasonable expectations is the understanding and acceptance that our anticipations should align with what is practical and achievable given the circumstances. It's that grounded perspective that accounts for time and resources and capability and it helps foster patience and resilience, confidence, motivation.

Anne-Marie (02:32.04)
and accomplishments, and it's not about aiming for perfection, which of course, as any artist knows, and we're all artists in our own way, that aiming for perfection is just going to equal disappointment, because that work of art is never done, that project is never quite done, there's always tweaks. So this is kind of being able to

Humble yourself down and say, okay, what can I reasonably expect? And so typically, negative emotions come from unmet, unspoken expectations. Something didn't turn out the way you thought it would or the way you wanted it to, or there was a wrench in the plan somewhere. And so that's why it's so important to know.

what we can generally expect. And this is something I've talked to with my therapist about in great detail because if we're working through something, you know, from my past, what can I reasonably expect when I'm healed? Am I just going to be happy and never think about it again? Am I going to remember but be able to deal with it? You know.

I like knowing what to expect, what's the end goal that I'm working for. And I'm not saying not to dream. Never stop dreaming. Dream as big as you possibly can every single day. I'm saying keep your feet on the ground and your head amongst the stars. Keep that balance. So...

As fellow humans of the 21st century, with capitalism and politics aside, taking into account your individual circumstances, resources, and goals, you can reasonably expect from yourself, and keep in mind your mileage may vary, you can expect self-care, physical, emotional, your mental well-being,

Anne-Marie  (04:53.846)
especially in grief, you know, these rituals can help you feel grounded. You can expect a growth mindset. And it's okay to embrace the change. We're supposed to keep growing and learning and changing and evolving and adapting. You can reasonably expect authenticity, staying true to yourself and your values. And don't sacrifice your authentic-

authenticity and your values for acceptance.

Anne-Marie (05:30.828)
You can also expect boundaries for yourself and for others and to uphold these to protect your peace. You are not a bad person for teaching other people how to treat you as long as it doesn't hurt yourself or others.

You can expect self-compassion. And I know that one can be difficult, but it is possible. Be gentle with yourself. Bring back curiosity and adventure and silliness and gratitude, dreams and goals and mindfulness, and let go of perfectionism and comparisons. Comparison is the thief of joy.

even if you're comparing yourself to who you were yesterday, you're not who you were yesterday. Let go of that fear of failure and that negative self-talk, and let go of overcommitting.

And that's the personal boundaries too. Your time is precious. Time is the most precious gift that we have aside from love. Without time, nothing would be recorded, nothing would have happened. I mean, it's just... It's our baseline. It's where we come from. It's why we're here. The most important thing is our time because it's limited.

And so that's a part of being death conscious, which we went through in the previous solo episode.

Anne-Marie(07:15.582)
And so other things you can expect, you can expect that not everything will go as planned.

You will make mistakes. Own them and learn from them. You can expect that your feelings will be hurt.

you will unintentionally hurt others.

you will experience loss in many forms. And that doesn't just mean a death of a loved one. You can have loss of identity, loss of self, loss of a job, loss of security. The list goes on.

Anne-Marie  (08:01.366)
as long as you remember that not everything is about you.

And the way that other people treat you is a reflection of themselves, not you. So if someone's treating you poorly and you're like, how can I be better so they don't do that? No.

you create your boundary, you let them know that you don't like to be treated that way, and then you deal with it after that. We can have another episode about that if you want. You can only meet people as far as they've met themselves, and I've said that before, and I just... it just means so much to me because...

it has explained every negative interaction.

Anne-Marie  (08:58.136)
that I've had, where people are treating me like that. knowing that it's a reflection of themselves because of that's how far they've met themselves, then instead of being angry or defensive or anything like that, I...

you know, I'm able to remove myself from that situation and feel bad for them. Like, can you imagine being...

so angry that you say things to hurt people on purpose? Like that's gotta be exhausting. Anyways, you can reasonably expect that the right thing to do is rarely the easy thing. And you can expect that you are responsible for your words, your actions, and your reactions.

I know that you have big emotions and that's okay. Your emotions are gonna happen no matter what. It's up to you.

Anne-Marie  (10:12.334)
to how to react to that.

So you know, take a moment, breathe, ground yourself, remember who you are.

Anne-Marie  (10:26.162)
And so, other expectations you can have, ideally, from decent human beings, you can expect emotional support.

You can expect diversity in a world full of 8.23 billion people. That would be boring if we were all the same. That'd be like, what's that game? Lemmings? Just, woohoo, woohoo. Anyways. You can expect communication from others, accountability from others, empathy.

community, kindness and courtesy, and on the flip side of that you can expect unsolicited advice, feedback, and opinions. Usually it's from well intentions that stopped at the first step and that's okay just because someone tells you their advice or their feedback or their opinions, you know, thank you for thinking of me I'll take that into account.

Anne-Marie (11:42.406)
So, in life, as a human being in the 21st century, you can reasonably expect access to education and continuing education. And I know this is gonna, this is my idealistic, this is capitalism and politics aside, so play along with me. You can expect that education and continuing education.

Pardon me. You can expect career opportunities. You can expect health and well-being, managing your health proactively with preventative care and treatment. And you can expect a life-work balance. So yes, the society and era we were born into requires us to seek reliable sources of income that may or may not slowly suck at our souls.

If you've monetized a passion or calling of yours, freaking awesome. Not everyone gets or wants to do that, and that's okay. Your job does not define you. It's a part of it, but that's not the whole thing. Like I'm so much more than a Death Thula podcast host. I'm an insanely lucky wife. I'm a loud and proud nerd. I love reading and writing and are

animals and nature anyways make sure life comes first notice that i said life work balance not work life balance

And so with that, mean, yeah, make sure life comes first, but live within your means. Manage your expectations. Remember those unspoken, unmet expectations. You have those of yourself as well.

Anne-Marie (13:42.86)
You can also expect social mobility. You can expect that your hard work and determination can lead to improved socioeconomic status, you know, working your way up. You can expect societal engagement, participating in the voting process for yourself, your neighbourhood, your city, your town, your province, your state, your country. Use your voice.

Be heard, take up your space.

You can expect quality of life, like access to drinking water and safe housing and food and the basic necessities. And you can also expect personal development. know, hobbies, travel, self-improvement, personal exploration and growth. You can expect support with community resources and social services. And you can expect access to technology.

I think everyone should have access to the internet and a device to access it on.

emotionally you can reasonably expect throughout your lifetime.

Anne-Marie  (15:02.616)
to feel stress and anxiety. It's gonna happen. No matter what, but you can control your reaction to the emotions through self-group.

You can expect fulfillment by pursuing passions that give you joy. You can expect resilience. How many lessons have you learned? How many lessons did it take a few times to learn? This is how you build resilience. Emotionally, you can expect connection with friends and family and chosen family and your community.

and getting that emotional support and that sense of belonging.

And on the flip side of that, you can expect to feel loneliness sometimes.

And that's okay, it's...

Anne-Marie (16:01.11)
You know, feeling isolated sucks.

But it's normal. We are social creatures as human beings.

Anne-Marie  (16:13.834)
you can expect to prioritize your mental health and well-being. Do that self-care. Take care of that body, mind, soul.

environment, the people around you.

If you don't know how to fill your cup, you can start with being in service of others. Take care of your animals or go volunteering or... you know, find something that really fills your cup.

And you can expect joy, and you can expect love, you can expect contentment, empathy, and compassion for others, and treating other people the way you want to be treated. And that's kind of its own love language. If you don't know about the love languages, do a quick old Google search. They are quite legit.

They are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch. And so how other people show you love is how they want to be loved. They will love you.

Anne-Marie (17:33.492)
subconsciously in their own love language, how they want to be loved. So pay attention to that. And if someone is switching things up and speaking to you in your love language...

They really love you.

Anne-Marie (17:55.234)
And that's a message for my partner there, honey, with acts of service, just saying. Love you, good talk. You can also reasonably expect change. There's gonna be good change, bad change, emotional, physical, mental, geographical.

You know, you suddenly have to move and it's a change of your normal. And you can reasonably expect to grieve those losses.

end.

You know, loss is an awful feeling that can even affect us on a physiological level. know, brain fog, stomach upset, sleeping disturbances, things like that. But it's going to happen. You will feel loss and it will hurt, but you can get through it. And you're supposed to move through it.

You know, like I've said before, life is a song and it does have an ending. At least in this meat suit. You know, we're on, on borrowed time. We get to have things, but we don't get to keep them forever.

Anne-Marie  (19:21.708)
And I think that is part of what makes life.

so beautiful and you know with any type of loss you can expect grief you know that sense of sorrow you can expect the shock and disbelief it it takes time for the reality of the situation to kick in and it's so cliche

And I'm not gonna say the old quote, but I mean, you do have to allow time to pass.

Anne-Marie  (20:05.438)
it will bring gentler days. And I'm not saying that it gets great, but it does get better. And when you lose someone or you lose your sense of identity or relationship or a job or a house...

Anne-Marie  (20:26.318)
You're supposed to move forward. You're allowed to. I give you permission to. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't mean you're forgetting something or someone. It means you are learning and growing and adapting and moving forward. And I guarantee you would want that for yourself.

It's okay to move forward. doesn't mean you've moved on.

Anne-Marie (21:03.532)
it means you've decided to keep moving. Pardon me. So you can also expect, with loss, to feel anger. And that's totally normal. And you know, this is where those rage rooms come in handy, or working out, doing some cardio, you know, do some Tai Chi, whatever you're into. But don't take it out on yourself.

Don't self-sabotage.

Anne-Marie  (21:39.259)
and don't take it out on other people.

I know it's safer to take it out on the people that you know closest.

and you hope that they understand but that's not fair to them so find a way to deal with that anger write about it, talk about it, sing about it, cry about it, something but do not

be a part of that other cliche, hurt people, hurt people. Don't be that person.

And you can expect guilt with loss. Could've done this, I should've done this, I would've done that, what if, what if, what if. You can torture yourself with those questions if you'd like, but you can also remember that you did your best with the information and resources that you had at the time.

Anne-Marie  (22:46.126)
practice that self compassion.

And it is practice. It does take practice. You don't just suddenly like, I'm self compassionate now. No, you have to work on it, especially with those of you who have that good old intergenerational trauma and you don't have self compassion because you are taught to be something else. Anyways, I digress. Practice, practice, practice, practice your self compassion.

Anne-Marie  (23:20.034)
You can also expect confusion with loss. You just lost your bearings.

That's okay. If it takes a little while to get your bearings again, that's fine. And like you've heard before, hopefully, there's no right or wrong way to grieve as long as you're not hurting anyone or yourself or nature.

Grieve.

and so many of us are in a rush.

to get rid of grief.

Anne-Marie

 (24:05.794)
when actually if you sit down with your grief and talk to it or write a letter to it

the sooner you can understand where it's coming from.

why it happened.

Anne-Marie (24:27.724)
the sooner you'll be able to move forward. And you are supposed to move forward.

staying in grief.

is tempting. It can become your identity. You can...

Anne-Marie  (24:50.1)
sit with it and remember where it's coming from with that loss.

that grieving.

and it becomes the last emotion connected to that dream that you had.

that future that you had.

dreamt of.

Anne-Marie  (25:20.838)
and

Anne-Marie  (25:25.09)
You know, grief is kind of like a scar.

Anne-Marie  (25:30.05)
You're never going to forget it, but it's okay to move forward. Grief is kind of like...

There was this one post I saw online that grief is kind of like this orb.

in a jar and it's constantly hitting the corners and being triggered and moving around and we don't like the grief doesn't shrink we grow around it

Anne-Marie  (26:07.394)
like a bunch of vines slowly creeping up the stone wall.

Anne-Marie (26:17.42)
you slowly evolve. And for some reason, that makes me think of, and I'm gonna age myself here, but that makes me think of the secret garden.

Has anyone, any of the listeners seen that? so sweet. Anyways.

Anne-Marie (26:40.98)
Back to your regularly scheduled programming, grief, it's going to manifest itself physically. It's not just emotions and being tired. You have, like I said, the change of appetite, your change of sleep habits, you get that brain fog, and that is real, and you're going to feel off, and you're going to feel frustrated about it, and that's okay.

Take a deep breath in through your nose.

Out through your mouth.

Anne-Marie (27:26.062)
Socially, you might feel isolation. Grief is...

Grief is very isolating because...

You're the one who knows your full story, your full involvement, your memories, your opinions, everything like that. And I know it's upsetting when people say, I know how you feel. Because you're thinking like, no, you don't. You have no clue.

But back to what I said before, remember not everything's about you and people treat you.

Anne-Marie (28:13.942)
as a reflection of themselves. Grief makes people uncomfortable if they are not the ones grieving. And for anyone who's in grief, been in grief, you know what I'm talking about. You know that weight that it puts on you. Like a backpack or a weighted vest.

and we don't think about how it's making us stronger carrying it around.

And when you have that loss or that sense of mortality just shoved in your face.

Some people will be uncomfortable with it and say, I know exactly how you feel. They have the best intentions. They don't know what to say. And they're trying to connect.

Anne-Marie (29:12.6)
and that's okay.

And if you are feeling that isolation, like I said, you can reasonably expect support.

Anne-Marie (29:28.63)
Also, you can expect from yourself to seek support. Please do. Therapy for everyone. If I had Oprah money, I would send everybody to therapy. I would send the therapists to therapy. It's just therapists... Finding the right therapist is kind of like dating. You need to find one that you click with.

one that you actually want to tell your entire life story to all over again. Like at this point, I know I've talked about my past before, but like at this point, I think I should just make a slideshow, like a PowerPoint presentation, so that I don't have to go through it all over again. Just kidding if my therapist is listening. You know...

Grief brings out.

either the best in people or the worst in people, and there doesn't seem to be much in between.

Anne-Marie (30:38.979)
and it it'll change your address book.

you'll notice who's reaching out and who isn't. And maybe they're uncomfortable with loss and grief or they don't know what to say. And if that's the case, you know, you can reach out and say, hey, I'd really like your support. I really would love to talk to you.

It's grief makes other people uncomfortable because they see you grieving and they want to know that when it's their turn that they can get through it.

Anne-Marie (31:27.232)
So they give you those.

Anne-Marie (31:32.419)
shitty cliches that don't make the grieving person feel comforted at all. Usually those start with at least or but.

If you are trying to comfort someone who is grieving, don't say, this is just part of destiny, this is the plan, that's not going to make them feel better. That's trying to make you feel better about them being sad that makes you uncomfortable because you don't want to be that sad when it's your turn. And that's okay. Now you know.

Anne-Marie (32:11.724)
and now we can change how we talk to each other.

Anne-Marie (32:17.3)
It's a... That's one thing too that makes me kind of...

Anne-Marie (32:24.588)
I'm gonna go like Peter here and like, you know what really grinds my gears? I always wanted to say that. People with cancer or chronic illnesses or life-limiting illnesses.

You know, if you're listening, you can attest. You learn who's really...

in your corner when you get sick. Your address book gets rearranged.

And, you know, I understand in my own way that sense of loss because...

So when I was first diagnosed...

Anne-Marie (33:17.517)
with crohns.

I had this friend group and like it wasn't traumatic enough it took them two years to diagnose me.

I was hospitalized constantly.

I was missing work. I was... it was...

Anne-Marie (33:42.35)
It was really hard. I lost who I was. I was such a...

Confident, naive, 21 year old. I officially got diagnosed when I was 23. And so my friend group, they were actually from work. And I remember going for lunch with one of them one day, and I'm not gonna name names, I'm not angry anymore, but.

Anne-Marie (34:17.966)
They were speaking on behalf of the group to me that...

Being friends with me was difficult because it was inconvenient. They couldn't count on me. And the actual example that they gave me was, well, what if we were having a barbecue and you were supposed to bring the hot dogs and then you had to go to the hospital because you were sick again?

Anne-Marie (34:53.802)
I was...

Anne-Marie (34:58.446)
dumbfounded. is that the actual... is that the best example you could give to really show me how you think about me? Just because you're scared that having Crohn's could kill me? Or... or what? You never supported me in the first place? Tell me how you really feel. Losing friends.

Anne-Marie (35:29.26)
because of something that you can't control with your body.

is definitely a type of grief. And so I wanted to do a shout out on

on my podcast here for someone on Instagram. Their name is, and that's grief.

and I'll tag them here too. They did a post that said, imagine if grieving people were told that it's okay not to go to work because your heart is breaking over again.

Anne-Marie (36:14.24)
It's okay to talk about the painful details. I will listen to those painful details if you need to say them out loud.

It's okay if you're grieving to not respond to text messages and emails and calls.

and it's okay to talk about them a lot.

Anne-Marie (36:39.464)
It keeps their memory alive, it keeps their energy alive, and you know, it's not a bad thing to ask someone, hey, how are you doing with your recent loss? You're not gonna suddenly remind them like, right, I'm grieving. They know.

but being able to talk about their person or their animal.

Anne-Marie (37:06.51)
keeps them alive. Keep talking about them. They made such an impact.

Anne-Marie (37:17.25)
And it's okay to cancel plans. It's okay to know your physical limitations and your emotional limitations. It's okay to not feel grateful.

or to find any silver linings. And you know that's something else that you can reasonably expect. There is not always a silver lining. Don't let that stop you from searching for it.

but you might not always find it, and that's okay. And it's okay to ask for support.

Anne-Marie (37:54.776)
beforehand, during, after, years after, decades after. If you're still struggling, ask for help. There are helpers everywhere.

Anne-Marie (38:12.355)
and if you want help with finding some resources local to you, please reach out. I will do some Google foo and I will find something for you.

And so with that being said, I thought I would try something a little bit different for the solo episodes. I want to try and give you a journal pro.

Anne-Marie (38:40.846)
something to think about, something to noodle on.

Anne-Marie (38:46.016)
And so I came up with these questions for you. What realistic expectations do I have that I need to give a voice to?

Anne-Marie (39:02.424)
Is there a voice you've been ignoring or avoiding? Could it be your higher self?

Are you scared of that change?

What expectations do you have of yourself that you can put down?

like perfectionism.

Anne-Marie (39:29.912)
Thank you so much for listening to me ramble into the void with my 1-800 operator voice. You can find me online at dearpsychopomp.com or contact at dearpsychopomp.com. Let me know what you think about this episode, what you think about the journal prompts. I'm here for you, so if there's other resources that you want, let me know.

I hope that your weekend is gentle and full of opportunities and sunshine and coffee and animals. We'll see you next week.