Season 2 - Episode 1 - So you want to be a Death Doula?

death, death doula, grief, end of life, psychopomp, emotional support, volunteering, mental health, caregiving, life transition

In this episode, Anne-Marie, the host of Dear Psychopomp, welcomes listeners to the second season of the podcast, where she explores the topic of death with humor and compassion. She introduces the role of a death doula, explaining its significance and the emotional complexities involved. The episode emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and emotional well-being for those considering this path, while also encouraging listeners to engage with their local communities through volunteering. The season promises a mix of stories, insights, and guest appearances, inviting listeners to approach the subject of death with curiosity and openness.

You can find me online at www.dearpsychopomp.com

or contact@dearpsychopomp.com

I hope your weekend is gentle and full of opportunities ♡

Transcript

Dear Psychopomp (00:01.646)
First off, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for listening, for sharing, for letting me have these little creative moments with you, and for reaching out with your personal heartfelt stories and pictures of your pets, which I will never say no to. Season one was a wild and weird and wonderful ride, and I'm so grateful that you came along.

And for the new listeners, I do have to do the usual cover my arse speech. So please note that I am not a professional psychologist, therapist, priest, doctor or lawyer. The information and discussions shared on this podcast are intended for informational purposes only and are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment.

Some of the topics covered could be pretty emotionally intense or triggering, especially for those of you who are still processing grief or similar experiences. So if anything does get too intense for you, please take care of yourself first.

Alright, so this season, it's still gonna be fun, mostly. Probably. Still gonna be curious, irreverent, maybe even little mischievous and whimsical. And you can bet your morbid little butt that I will meander my way through it all, because my ADHD has a lot of things to say and it's very excited to tell you all the things.

But we're also going deeper because this season I'm inviting you into my world as a death doula.

Dear Psychopomp (01:53.464)
We'll start with bit of an elevator spiel and take a glance at a few aspects for those of you who are new to the podcast. So death doulas are also known as end of life doulas. My personal favourite is the soul midwife or last responder. There is some controversy around those, but I think it's kind of poetic. Death doulas have one of the oldest professions known by many, many names.

shamans, doulas, death guides, chaplains, psychopomps. Which, fun fact, the term psychopomp originates from the Greek word psyche, which means soul, and pompous, which means guide. And while the exact nature and responsibilities of a psychopomp vary across belief systems, they're generally viewed as spiritual guides of living souls.

Psycho-pomps are often depicted as compassionate figures who help souls transition peacefully, offering comfort during the passage. And in different cultures, psycho-pomps can take many forms, physical or otherwise. And once again, I'd like to clarify, I'm not calling myself a psycho-pomp in any professional or grandeur sense.

I'm not being cocky or putting myself on a pedestal. It's a term of endearment that a beloved client friend of mine once used to describe me before he died. He said he loved me and called me his dear psychopomp. And that kind of just...

rooted itself into my heart. It's a personal reference, not a label, and one that honors our brief but meaningful connection. It's a tribute to him, and I carry it with love and respect. Anyways, so doula is Greek. It means to serve, which is why we distinguish between birth doulas and death doulas.

Dear Psychopomp (04:11.926)
And just as birth doulas help bring a life into this world with care and compassion, death doulas help a soul leave this world. It's a role that is tender and sacred, messy and awkward and often misunderstood. It's not just sitting vigil, which means when you're sitting bedside at someone who is actively dying.

There's no room for ego here. You will feel invisible. You will question your sanity. And it's not about awards or recognition, which I mean is great. Everybody loves validation and acceptance, of course, but a lot of people don't even know what a death doula is in the first place. It's about...

walking with people, sometimes quietly, sometimes fiercely, as they approach the end of their lives. It is about presence. It is about listening, witnessing, holding space, and it's about asking the questions that we're usually too afraid to ask.

which I'm not too bad at, you know, I'm really awful at leaving things left unsaid, but we have to meet clients where they are, spiritually, mentally, and physically. And I do call them clients. I don't call them patients, not a doctor. In an ideal world, I would call them my friends. You cannot...

be this close, this vulnerable with someone and not create a bond with them. You're there in their most vulnerable moments, witnessing the raw human experience. But I recommend maintaining that objective presence. If you want to be a death doula,

Dear Psychopomp (06:38.776)
You have to be an anchor in a room full of grief for the family and for the client. You will want to give your heart and soul to every single person in hopes that it may ease their pain and their passing even just a little bit.

But you can't. Trust me, I've tried.

You're not there to fix anything. And sometimes that is really difficult to come to terms with.

So first I recommend you meet yourself, understand yourself and be very protective of your peace if you want to take this on as a career.

Ooh, and find a therapist. Therapists for everyone. And it's not all gloom and doom. In fact, it's usually the opposite. There's laughter and singing and dancing. There's love and clarity and there's even joy. But there's also business plans.

Dear Psychopomp (07:59.852)
insurance, licenses, local legislation, scheduling, market research, the whole shebang. Don't worry though, we'll go through everything that you'll need to know to be a death doula, especially if you're in Canada. I can't speak personally to the USA, but we'll go over things that you can use to start your own business if that's where you're headed. I will explain

my personal point of view from Canada, so your mileage may vary. I'll try to be as open-minded as possible and give you ideas of resources that you can look for in your local area. And so before we dive into it, in the next episode, we'll get to the education, know, certified versus accredited and

courses to take, things like that.

But first, I recommend starting by calling around to your local hospice, cancer center, old folks' homes, and see if you can volunteer for them. There's also online ways to volunteer as well. In BC, we have the BC Bereavement Helpline. There's mygrief.ca and others available. And I want you to put yourself into the environment

that you picture yourself in as a death doula because every single one of us becomes this for specific moments. Some people are, they just want to sit vigil. They just don't want anyone to be alone. Some people are there for the practical aspects of it, like advanced care plans and wills and pre-planning.

Dear Psychopomp (10:00.63)
which everyone should do, the way. And some people are there for afterwards doing grief work and helping the families come to terms with what has happened, making sure they have the right resources, making sure they're not forgotten or fallen through the track cracks.

And I mean, testing the waters before you commit to it while volunteering fills your cup, fills their cup, and it gives everyone that sweet, sweet dopamine. And once you've done that, reflect on how it made you feel. What old wounds did it bring up? What healing do you have to do before you can help others?

because you don't wanna take on this job if you're struggling with your emotional wellbeing. It can add to it, yes, but it will also take away from it and you need to be able to rest and recharge and keep perspective. And it's really hard to do that every single day. It's a muscle, it has to be worked in.

So in this first episode, I just wanted to kind of set the stage to say I'm here, I'm ready, and I'm honored to share this space with you. And whether you're curious about death, terrified of it, or just want to live more fully, this season is for you.

There will be meandering stories and poems. We'll have guests. You might cry. You might snort laugh. You don't need to be brave to be here. Just be open.

Dear Psychopomp (11:56.782)
curious.

I invite you to be cautiously optimistic.

Dear Psychopomp (12:06.23)
All right. Thank you for being here. Thank you for letting me be here. And as always, I hope you die happy and fulfilled. You can find me online at dearpsychopomp.com or email me at contact@dearpsychopomp.com. And I do accept pictures of cats, dogs, lizards, birds, shrimp, you name it, farm animals.

Alright, I'm out. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.