Season 2 - Episode 2 - What do Death Doulas -actually- do?

death doula, end of life, emotional support, spiritual support, pre-planning, grief, legacy work, acceptance, mental resilience, funeral poverty

In this episode, I express my never-ending gratitude for the podcast's growth and introduce the concept of Death Doulas. We discuss roles, emotional support, and the importance of pre-planning. The conversation delves into various scenarios that doulas may encounter, emphasizing the need for emotional resilience and understanding in end-of-life care.

Find Amy Shea's new book at: https://bookshop.org/a/111637/9781978843998

You can find me online at www.dearpsychopomp.com

or contact@dearpsychopomp.com

I hope your weekend is gentle and full of opportunities ♡

Transcript

Dear Psychopomp (00:01.656)
Hey curious souls, a huge, huge thank you for helping the podcast reach over 500 downloads. I don't know exactly what downloads means in podcaster land, but achievement unlocked and I got a fancy little ribbon for it. I also wanted to give a shout out to the Dubbii app. Do you know those two lovely human beings from the ADHD underscore love account? Rich and

rich and Rox If you haven't stumbled upon this yet, I highly recommend checking it out. If you're like me, and I know I am, then your ADHD self will be forever changed. There's videos that go through the steps of different chores and activities. You can create your own notifications and you can body double live every day. If you don't know what body doubling is, welcome to the Hawthorne effect.

where people tend to modify their behavior in response to knowing that others can see them. So when I body double, my productivity freaking skyrockets. It's amazing. If you missed the last episode, we went over how Death Thulas hold space and witness and companion those who are dying as well as their loved ones. We touched on volunteering to fill your cup and gently test the waters to see if this is a profession you can take on.

And don't feel bad if it turns out to not be for you. There are so many other ways to help. For those of you listening who are considering the profession, I have some extras for you at the end of this episode. For those of you listening who are considering hiring a Dath'Dhula, it's sort of like dating or finding a therapist. You need to find someone that you click with.

Don't be afraid to ask them the big questions around what matters most to you. And remember that it is great to have someone who has the same beliefs as you. Don't let that stop you from choosing a doula. Many, many of us aren't religious, but that doesn't mean we're not going to honor your beliefs. You wanna pick someone that you would want advocating for you or your loved one.

Dear Psychopomp (02:25.44)
Alright, so what do death thulas actually do? The hands on the paperwork. What's a day gonna look like? So we ask really hard questions. We hold hands and wipe tears. We are the calm in the chaos that is end of life. It's emotionally exhausting and draining.

when you're doing something so raw and vulnerable, you are taking on extra grief on purpose. And to do work like this, you need a strong foundation within yourself because you are human and you will have a lot of big feelings throughout the process. Side note, I was actually thinking of doing up a course for mental and emotional resilience for end of life professionals.

Let me know what you think. there's any interest, I'll make it so. So, death doulas can have any number of modalities or services that they offer. Some have a medical background, some don't. There's not really a prerequisite to becoming a doula. At least not with education, but more on that in a bit. Some doulas will lean heavily on the

spiritual, metaphysical, naturalistic side of things, while others focus on the practical side of things, the science, wills, advanced care plans, paperwork needed, and resources to be able to pre-plan everything from end of life care to cremation. And this can happen at any time. Clients don't have to be diagnosed or imminent to come and pre-plan. I actually...

Desperately wish everyone would do their pre-planning so that people left behind don't have to experience doubt, intense stress, and financial burdens on top of grieving.

Dear Psychopomp (04:35.374)
It's expensive to live, yeah, but it's also expensive to die. Most funeral homes can offer payment plans that walk in the price when you purchase, because fun fact, in Canada, a traditional burial with all the bells and whistles can land starting around 6,000, depending which province you're in. And for my fellow British Columbians, it's more like 9,000.

for cremation

I digress. I got a little passionate there. Stay tuned for an upcoming interview with Amy Shea, who wrote the brilliant book that highlights funeral poverty and it actually just hit the shelves. It's called Too Poor to Die, The Hidden Realities of Dying in the Margins. Definitely check it out. Okay, so our other modalities can include legacy work,

playing music, sitting vigil with or on behalf of someone, after death support, advocacy, and the one that has forevermore changed me, emotional and spiritual support aimed at acceptance and inner peace. And one of the beautiful things about that is that you can come to that even if you're not imminent or terminal. If you're

perfectly healthy and terrified of dying. Let's talk. Let's change that. Anyways, legacy work is such a wonderful experience. Speaking with clients and loved ones and hearing life stories and seeing old photos, seeing their face just light up when they tell the story for, you know.

Dear Psychopomp (06:34.52)
how many times they've told it and they're just that happy to be telling it again. It's really neat to watch. And I'm fairly crafty, so I'd like to help clients make scrapbooks, letters, collages, jewelry, voice notes. Go with your strengths on this one. For example, if you're kick-ass at sewing, maybe a memory quilt or huggable pillows.

or you can help them paint, you know, there's so many things you can do. Sitting vigil is when you are physically at the dying person's bedside. Typically at this point, which we'll also go over later, they will not be awake, nor will they. But it's true that hearing is the last sense to go. So I like to speak as if they are an active participant in the room.

Things like saying their names and saying who I am and why I'm there and that everything is going to be okay. And this can be with or without loved ones present. So I have a book of poems that I bring so I can read to them. After death support can include things like being the one to call other loved ones and tell them the news, helping with writing the eulogy or obituary, doing grief work.

guidance and resources for the executor. And the one that I personally felt most called to is the emotional and spiritual support. I've taken many, many extra courses to add to my toolbox with this type of talk therapy. And if you didn't hear the air quotes around therapy, I'll toss it in there with another, I am not a licensed anything and all of this is advice only.

being able to someone accept their story.

Dear Psychopomp (08:37.152)
and not be scared to meet death is powerful.

It ripples out towards everyone around them and it's a really, really beautiful thing to experience and witness. And then of course there is pre-planning. Be sure to check with your town, province, state, country laws and legislations. They are often different from each other. Be sure to check out what constitutes a legal will in your specific area, as well as advance care plans.

how power of attorney works, what paperwork is needed for alternate decision makers, DNRs, do not resuscitate, which recently was for some reason changed to no CPR. The best thing to do in this case is networking and research. Google is your friend. So check out things like Estate Law for your area and Death Dulas nearby who may be able to answer some questions.

Last but not least is all the admin paperwork needed. If you're going to be an independent contractor or solo entrepreneur, things like contracts, insurance, business licenses, ledgers, and remembering it takes five to seven years for a new business to really be established. So patience is key. And at the very least, I recommend a part-time job until your business

is beyond self-sustaining.

Dear Psychopomp (10:19.622)
And I also recommend that your part-time job be something that is not life or death.

Life is all about balance and working around death.

You need to find the balance where you're not just constantly talking about death with people. And don't be afraid to use your strengths. Can you play an instrument? Can you sing? Can you tell bad jokes? Sharing your passions is a beautiful way to connect with clients. It humanizes you as well. And

It's just a beautiful moment to share. I'm an avid writer and reader. Like I said, I read to clients and I'll write down notes and quotes from my visits and then give that to the family afterwards as a sort of keepsake.

I think that's about all I can brain for today. Thank you for your patience. I'm still grieving a loss and working on self-compassion in the middle of a heatwave with no central air. Anyone else get the summer sads instead of the winter blues? I find it extra difficult being inside in the dark.

Dear Psychopomp (11:54.275)
while everyone is outside and having fun and not getting heatstroke because they're not immunosuppressed and have medications that make them susceptible. Plus I'm basically see-through. I get a sunburn if I think about leaving the house. Anyways, if you've got the summer sads, it's almost done. You've got this, I believe in you. It's almost hoodie season. We're so close and it's time to get ready for September.

and

Before we get into the practical, I'm sorry.

Dear Psychopomp (12:35.214)
losing my voice here. Before we get into the practical tools and resources to actually become a Dathula, I first invite you into some scenarios to see how you would react or respond. See if you can remain as an emotional anchor for clients in these very real situations.

So scenario one. Mary's adult children reached out to you saying they want to make amends and see dear old mom before she goes. Mary is in hospice dying from Alzheimer's and sleeping for about 20 hours a day. But her end of life plan specifically states she doesn't want her estranged adult children to see her. What do do? Do you let them see mom and get some closure?

do you honor mom's wishes even though she may never know either way?

Dear Psychopomp (13:37.679)
scenario too. Bob is a 72 year old retired music teacher who has terminal pancreatic cancer. He has no children, no partner, and no friends close by. He's requested assistance with navigating his final weeks, but is also fiercely independent and resistant to emotional support. He says he wants no fuss.

but acts otherwise as he's begun composing a final piece of music. He says for the world, not for anyone in particular, but he's struggling with it physically and emotionally. How would you work with the resistance? How would you spiritually support him without projecting your beliefs onto him?

Dear Psychopomp (14:29.59)
And finally, scenario three. This client is a young man, younger than you are, who has stage four cancer that has metastasized just about everywhere. His spirits are low and he's having trouble accepting his mortality. His family is overseas and his friends slowly ghosted him due to their own fears and insecurities, which is sadly so very common. Being sick can rearrange your contact list.

and it freaking hurts.

So this scenario hits you differently. Can you explain why?

Dear Psychopomp (15:11.48)
How would you support him? Would you meet him where he is or try to guide him to acceptance? Would you be able to keep your personal opinions and thoughts?

out of this.

Dear Psychopomp (15:30.592)
All right, I can't wait to hear your responses and have a discussion about this. That's all for this episode. Next time we'll talk about taking end of life doula courses, the difference between certified and accredited, and why neither of them should be in front of your job title. There's extra resources for finding modalities and some industry related fun facts.

Thanks for being here. Thanks for letting me be here. If you or someone you know is interested in becoming a Daththula, please like, share, comment, follow, hashtag follow me please. You can find me online at dearsycopomp.com or email me at contact at dearsycopomp.com. And as always, I hope you die happy and fulfilled.