Pressed Into Purpose

"Miracles" How Our 20-Year Marriage Survived Two Separations- The Wright's Part 2

• Valeria Wright • Season 2 • Episode 7

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What do you do when love isn't enough — but you refuse to give up?

Valeria and her husband Sam are back for Part 2, and this conversation goes deep. Twenty years. Two separations — one at year eight, one at year sixteen. And a marriage that, by every account, should not have made it.

But it did.

In this episode of Pressed Into Purpose, they pull back the curtain on the real work behind a restored marriage — the therapy that felt taboo, the Christian counselor who prayed for a miracle, the moment a therapist became a translator, and the communication breakthroughs that helped love become something they could actually feel again.

They talk about:
✦ Why accountability is everything — "what you do, you will reap"
✦ The 80/20 blame mindset and learning to own your part
✦ How family patterns and historical makeup drive conflict
✦ Breaking stigma around therapy in Black and church communities
✦ Rebuilding respect through encouragement that actually lands
✦ Emotional safety, masks, boundaries, and learning each other's wiring

This one is for anyone who has ever wondered if their marriage is worth fighting for. It is. And so are you.


***Are you stuck in marriage indecision? The Women of Worth Academy Marriage Indecision Course is a faith-based, six-module journey to help you move from confusion to clarity, from anxiety to peace.

Enroll today at womenofworthacademy.com — your future is worth it.




Thanks for listening! 

Until next time, continue to press into your purpose!

You can watch the video and Subscribe on Youtube.com @PressedIntoPurpose or learn more about our host at ValeriaWright.com

Miracle Prayer Teaser

SPEAKER_07

On the next episode of Pressed into Purpose.

SPEAKER_08

Hi, thank you. If we never make it, you prayed for the miracles. God used you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_06

She didn't say Lord got a discussion. She said you are going to miracles. That is how you work a miracle.

SPEAKER_07

And I was like, wow. But for me, it was like, are you you said you wanted a Christian therapist. Uh-huh. You've been saying that, you know, you're following God in this situation. So you can't be mad that she just prayed for a miracle. Cause obviously that's what you need. That's what y'all need is a miracle.

What Marriage Really Surprised Them

SPEAKER_07

Pressed into Purpose Podcast.

SPEAKER_06

What has surprised you about marriage?

SPEAKER_07

Just how much sac sacrifice and compromise is required.

SPEAKER_06

Okay. What about you, Sam?

SPEAKER_09

Well. Or maybe nothing surprised you. Well, the about marriage, the surprise is for me is a little bit more than just the marriage itself, but I will agree it will require sacrifices. Um oh, this is how I could say it. Thank you, Lord. The surprise about marriage for me is um that what you do, you will reap. How you go about fulfilling your part of the marriage, you will reap. Meaning, if I, and there were things that I have done thinking I was doing well, but it wasn't, I have reaped in ways that, okay, I thought I was, but I wasn't. So yes, it was a shock value. And so the surprise for me is how much, really being honest, for me, the surprise was how much I really need to lean on the Lord to make sure this marriage goes right. Okay, so you mean in terms of some of the decisions you made? Decisions made, actions, what I what my interpretations were about and how I have viewpoints. And then also, um, I go back to our um our our pastors of uh left line church, um the historical makeup, you know, and and it's surprised how much of the historical makeup really defined who I was.

SPEAKER_06

That is true. Meaning you're you're the marriage you marriage you in the house. Those relationships impacted you. Okay.

SPEAKER_09

Yes, those actions, those decisions. And even though, you know, I don't want to, but at the same time, if it's in you, yeah, if you don't dealt with, it will show up. Maybe not in those ways, but it will show up.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, because we all experience things good and bad. No one is perfect, no marriage is perfect. Right. And uh as much as in I can speak for myself in my own marriage and my children and based and and my parents watching them, I thought, okay, I'm gonna do this. Okay, I'm not gonna do that. I could do this with some modifications. And then so here, there I was with my own family, trying things, thinking that I was doing okay, and then hearing from my children and my ex-husband, oh, that's not working for me. And that's not, no, that's not, and so you know, having and having to pivot. So uh sometimes when we hear things from the we the ones we love that don't exactly align with what we are trying to express, it's a little uncomfortable. So I can say, um when I talk to my children now and they tell me something that I don't necessarily agree with, or maybe it's hard to hear, I listen and I say, okay, all right, well, how can we how can we move forward? And if I apologize if necessary, whatever. I wasn't always like that. Sometimes I'd just be like, but I was I thought I was trying and I was I was doing my best. That's what I thought. That's what I thought you said you wanted. Right. Well, that's what I thought you needed based on what I I knew, like you said, the uh my understanding. My understanding of the situation. You know, yeah so and and and uh and I had I I had a lot of uh aha moments, you know, a lot of oh, oh, oh, but I had to come to that point. So I want to know in your marriage, my marriage didn't last long enough for this, but um in your marriage, how did you get to the point where you said this is difficult, but I love my spouse. I love this relationship. I need this to work, so I'm going to do XYZ to make it work. Was there a particular incident? Or would you just like wake up one morning and say, you know what, I'm tired of feeling like this. I want I want it to be better. Or just just tell me how you move from the the dream to managing reality

Two Separations And The Eights

SPEAKER_06

to the successful relationship that you have today. Okay, I'll stop. Let me tell you something. 20 years ain't 20 years is not a small accomplishment. It is not, and you all have said that you're gonna go the distance. 20 years is a big deal, and so the 20 years tell me tell me about that.

SPEAKER_07

So a lot has transpired over these 20 years. So we've been married 20 years, we've been together 23 years.

SPEAKER_06

Yes, or something like that.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, so that's half your lives. Uh I mean, yeah, more than at this point, more than half. So, um, so yeah, we we have definitely faced a lot of challenges. And I I was thinking about this uh last night or this morning, and I thought about how our marriage has really broken up into eights. Okay, okay. So tell me about that. So we're in year 20, but I I I say our first eight years and then our second eight years, and I can clearly define those because we separated twice. Okay. We separated at eight years at year eight and we separated at year 16. Um, and I don't know that I really thought about that very much until the last couple days. Like it was eight and eight, but we know that seven is the number of completion, is eight and eight is new beginnings. And so we have literally had a couple of new beginnings within our marriage.

SPEAKER_06

Um Wow, that eight years that you all have been married for eight years the first time you split up. I don't think wow, that's I mean, looking back, it's like, oh, but at the time it was like, yeah, it just wow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. And so I'm like, man, you know, we to to to at to begin to answer your question, we definitely were not communicating well in those first eight years. Like, really, not at all. Um, we were talking a lot. We were both talking at. Yeah. We we had a whole lot of, we, we, there was no shortage of sharing feelings. You know what I'm saying? Like, we we commit, we were never that couple that didn't share our thoughts. We've always shared our thoughts.

SPEAKER_06

You know, I want to I want to step in there and say what what you said about our our foundational relationships. What's the historical makeup? We grew up in a house where we there was no shortage of sharing feelings at all, but there was no context for it. Now there was no there was no context, and there was, and even though it accomplished the purpose of letting the other person know how you felt, there wasn't always resolution. No tact, yeah, no consideration for the other person's feelings. True. And many times, as you said, no resolution. Yeah. So we learned how to express ourselves, yeah, but we did not learn how to temper that. And we didn't learn how to take the next step. So that's interesting. So that's hey, and you are you were just coming out of the house. Yeah, exactly. Okay, yes.

SPEAKER_07

Um, and so we we really struggled

Therapy Stigma And Getting Help

SPEAKER_07

to understand one another. Yeah. Um, and we decided, you know, so let's just let's just talk about the elephant in the room, which is black people in therapy is not something that was, you know, well received. Yeah, it's much, much better received now. But back then it was like Exactly, like it was nothing wrong with me. Right, right. I don't go, I ain't gonna go talk to nobody. Especially in church. Right. Because Jesus can fix it. Jesus can just pray about it. Pray about it, Jesus can pray fast, you know, drowning in death. And so it was like, well, okay. And and um the first person that I personally knew to go to therapy was our sister Vanessa. And so she went to therapy, and I was like, Well, I mean, I still ain't, I don't know about that. And then our sister Vita started going to getting her degree in uh Christian counseling, and so she had to do therapy for that. And I remember having a conversation with them at some point, and I was just like, I'm so glad that this therapy is working for y'all, you know, and it's really, you know, helping y'all, da da da da. But I don't need that.

SPEAKER_06

So and you know, the the stigma was so strong. Yeah, I started in my, I went, I started going in my 20s. I didn't tell anybody. I didn't even tell my I didn't tell my husband. I didn't tell anybody.

SPEAKER_07

So you were going to therapy too, and nobody's it was because are you going to therapy?

SPEAKER_06

You must be crazy. Exactly. Something is wrong with you making me the complete fall guy. Exactly. So it's like I don't even want to have these conversations. So let me just, I'm feeling like this. Let me go.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah. And and so I wanna say I wanna say, did you start therapy by yourself first, or did we go to therapy together? I know we uh so I think we both individual, yeah. We both decided, okay, we are not doing well. This isn't working well. You go find you a therapist, I'm gonna go find me a therapist, and you know.

SPEAKER_09

But I think the therapist, we went to therapist during the first separation.

SPEAKER_07

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_09

Because we didn't do um, and I'm sorry to interrupt, but when you asked the question, what surprises you in marriage? When your wife said, I think we should separate. Okay, okay. That's why, that's why I was like, I was being very calm. Now, now I'm gonna let you know. Now we in it, we in it. Now we in it. So the first surprise of marriage is when we it was during the housing bubble. We made a decision. Next thing I know, we in the midst of packing up and going. And then she said, Yeah, I think we should live separately. In the midst of packing up the house and moving up.

SPEAKER_06

So it was a complete surprise to you. Complete surprise. I had no idea that this was. You thought we had this together. We're gonna move, we'll find this new place and move together, right?

SPEAKER_09

So I had to move back in with my parents. Okay. And then we, you know, then the second surprise um was during the COVID. Thanks, COVID. Uh appreciate it. COVID 16. Was it COVID 16? 19. Oh, I'll go ahead and say, man, if you fell on the 16, COVID. COVID-19. Thank you. Thank you very much. And then she says, separation is necessary. I'm like, what the necessary, but she didn't say divorce.

SPEAKER_06

Did she say why? We don't have to go to the door.

SPEAKER_09

You don't even read. I mean, I told you. She said, well, basically, I was not still So here's the thing. Our our journey is very funny. She said eights in marriage. I'm going back into our actual dating. Okay. Okay. We will be on for nine months, then break for three. Okay. On for nine, break for three. On for nine, got married, on for eight, separate, on for eight, separate. And when we got back together, no way. No more eights. No more eights. No more.

SPEAKER_07

No more eights and no more nines. No more eights. Oh, okay. We're not doing we ended to win it at this point. Listen, though, you all were consistent. Very consistent.

SPEAKER_09

But the beauty of our consistency is we were on for nine. We broke for the three. We dealt with what was the reason for that breaking.

SPEAKER_07

That is true.

SPEAKER_09

When we came to that reason never showed up. But another thing came up. Right. And we dealt with that.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

Then God said, Y'all meant to be, we got married. And then when it came to eight, we dealt with those things that caused that separation. Never and we dealt with it, got back together. Those things never came back up. Then this last eight, oh, there was that's when God said, Now I got you. You're mature, I gotta really deal with you. He dealt with me, he dealt with her.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

And then next thing you know, okay, Lord, what we do? He said, come back together. Even right now, I will still remember the day when she called and when the things that I try to get her to say. Because we, you know we're we're we're the things that I seen, I tried to speak on, but at the same time, though, she keeps reminding me of my faults. And it's not, and it's not fair to say, well, I'm not gonna change because you're doing this, you know, it's not fair.

SPEAKER_07

I I think I need to explain the what my thought process in that. So I in order for people to understand like what that means. No, no, no, no, no. So it so I always felt like he had 80% of the problems and I had 20% of the problems. Okay. And so I was like, well, until he works on getting that 80 cut down, I'm I'm good. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'll I'm just gonna keep being who I am while he works on his 80%. Okay, and then when he gets a little bit further down in the percentage with issues, then I work on my stuff. I know it's that no, like saying it out loud sounds jacked up. But in my mind, that was like totally legit.

SPEAKER_06

Because you said when he gets his stuff together, we're gonna be alright. Right. Because then she's working on her 20s.

SPEAKER_07

I only got 20% of the issues.

SPEAKER_09

So I have to give down to maybe 50% before she works on five. You know, I don't know. But even then, in that, let's talk, let's be real now. She got 80% to my 20. Because at the end of the day, we both come in there thinking, I'm fine, you're not.

SPEAKER_07

That is true. Yeah, I was gonna interject this. That is so true.

SPEAKER_09

I'm fine, you're not.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

The problem was we are definitely two separate different people. Yeah. Okay, like, oh, go ahead.

SPEAKER_06

That's one of the things I that I wanted to focus on. You all seem so opposite. And are. Mama calls you her social butterfly. Uh-huh. You have you, you don't, you don't, you don't meet strangers, you meet friends. True, true. You're very introverted. You you want it takes you longer to warm up to people, but once you warm up to people and you realize that that, okay, this is a good thing for me. You're very loyal, you're very committed, yeah, and you're very uh and you're you're very uh invested. And you don't this is just me from the outside looking. You don't you you stay, you don't leave. You're you're so that is very clear. She is bringing it by the river.

SPEAKER_07

You're less sad.

SPEAKER_06

Valeria will, Valeria, Valeria is too, but she when when something doesn't feel good and doesn't serve her, we gotta figure out a way to change it. No, it's got to. I can't, I can't. I don't care how I don't care how much this is, you know. I don't I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_09

And just to set the record straight, every breakup and every separation did not come from me. Came from her.

SPEAKER_07

Those are those are facts.

SPEAKER_09

Came from her. So what she's saying is what you're saying is very true. I'm talking to the people like we got old around this. I mean, we're gonna be able to do that. So I mean, what she's saying is very true is that I'm always thinking we're good. I'm not saying, okay, in my mind, I'm like, I know I'm messed up. I know I'm not all perfect, I know I'm not great, I'm not Jesus. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_07

None of us are.

SPEAKER_09

None of us are. And so for her to say to break up, I'm like, okay, well, why are we breaking up? I mean, he said, and why we why are we separating

The 80-20 Blame Mindset

SPEAKER_09

again? Why are we separating? Like, seriously, I'm like, why are we separating again? Now here's the thing. I knew the second time I knew what well because when she said when the the day I would never forget the day, it was 4th of July. I asked a question. The tone, the tone that she delivered, I said, Oh, I can't cuss expressing the purpose. But you know. I done messed up that. I mean, man, I mean, what the I'm like, what? And so, and so I knew the reason why, but in the midst of the separation, we dealt with more issues of the route. Yes, and yes, and and what really helped me to be where I'm at today is because of the fact of I was listening, I was driving Uber, um, and I was listening to 1390, and you know, the lay hours they got the truck, Chuck Swindah. Okay, and he said, the greatest, uh uh, the most difficult relationship of all, I think it was the name of it. And um and he talked about it was marriage. And I was like, okay, I need to hear this because I mean you gotta you helping me here. And he said, There's only one commandment given to marriage.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_09

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. That is not given to the wife.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_09

But I also do get due unto others respect done unto you. So if you're not getting love from your wife, then the question is, are you loving your wife? Am I doing the things that are supposed to be done to give her the atmosphere and the environment to re-reciprocate? And if I'm not, and do and so when I heard that, I'm like, oh. You know, I know we took vows, but oh yeah. And I read that before the whole journey to getting married. And it's never until that day it clicked and hit me. I'm like, so that was one of your oh moments. That is my own moments in separation. But you know what? You're right. It was still during marriage because we weren't divorced. I still had the ring on it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

This ring was still there, even during the separation. That's actually one of the things that there are a lot of things that I admire about your marriage, is it has grown. But that's one of the things after that second separation. Because the first separation, I was like, they ain't gonna stay separated. They ain't gonna stay separated. Because I kept asking Valeria, do you love her?

SPEAKER_07

Listen, so he moved back with his parents. I moved into my sister's basement. And every day she would be like, but do you love him? And I'm like, that doesn't matter. That's that's not what we're talking about here. We got this, this, this, this, and this the deal about. She was like, 80%. But do you love him?

SPEAKER_06

And I knew that there hadn't been, to my knowledge, there hadn't been any physical abuse or you know, anything like that. So I was like, well, you know, every marriage goes through something. This is just me. Every marriage goes through something. And thinking about my own marriage, I was thinking, well, they can get through that. I mean, it wasn't like they can get to that, ain't my thought, well, that ain't nothing. But then of course I know it is something to you all, it's a big deal. But I would ask, do you love them? Because I was out there trying to date and it just wasn't working. And I was like, you all seem so well matched, you know, at the at at your core, your core values. And I thought, well, they can figure that out. Huh. That love that you all have for each other was evident that after that first separation. Okay. Second time, no, eight years later, I was surprised that it that that you all separated again. And I wasn't sure if you all were we're gonna get back together.

SPEAKER_07

I was convinced that we were not.

SPEAKER_06

I was like, and I kept saying, Do you love him? And the eye rolls that I got, and I was like, but ain't nothing out here.

SPEAKER_07

He loves her. Because to your point earlier, I was tired. And so it you you you can get fatigue. You know what I'm saying? And in any relationship, you can get fatigue. Like if there, if there are things that you are dealing with and you've you've talked about ad nauseum or you've, you know, just uh thought things that you thought you worked through, but then they rear their ugly heads again. Sometimes you're just like and you didn't feel his love. I'm not well I'll put it this way. I will I'm not gonna say that he didn't love me. I'm going to say that the question was, do I didn't feel his love? I wasn't receiving the love because there were other there were things in the way of me receiving the love. So there were things that I was looking, specific things I was looking for to show that love.

SPEAKER_06

And so I I want to go back to what you said about your oh moment. This was during this that second separation. So oh, you were driving around the middle of the night listening to this and you listened to this uh broadcast and you heard him say that and that resonated with you. And you weren't feeling quite like there was the love connection. Well, God spoke to your heart. Would you say that's fair?

SPEAKER_09

He spoke to my heart, but I also went into this separate the second separation differently. I uh first and foremost, our first separation, we went to our pastor at uh at the time, and he kind of helped us do. But then when Philip said separation was necessary, and I said, Well, God laid on my heart at that conversation in the living room. I said, Well, can we at least talk to our pastors before we did that, do before we go into the separation? Because that's what we did last time. She said some words, but she agreed. Okay, okay. And so then we did it, and I have to say that the the counseling sessions we went through in the second one was totally different than the first one.

SPEAKER_07

Because I didn't want to no different so different different underneath our children. Different different churches, different leadership. Okay. Um, and and I would say the the first time um we the things that we were going through, I was really shocked that our pastor agreed that we should separate, honestly. The second time? Yeah, the first time. Okay, the very first time, because to your to your point, in the church, you're taught no matter what, you just stick it out, you work it out, you figure it out, all the things. Like, you know, that there the you know, we ain't divorcing, like that ain't because God hates divorce, which he does. He also forgives. But the there's the there so in my mind, because you have to remember I'm a checkbox person, okay, I have lived my entire life checking all the boxes, yes, do it, doing all the right things and following, you know, the scriptures and and and and living, you know, according to what God has said, and doing my not that I didn't sin, but I did my best to line up my life because with the scriptures.

SPEAKER_06

Because there was an outcome that was expected based on following that path. Exactly. Once you found yourself off once the results, your results were different. Very different. You're like, well, I did this and this is supposed to happen. Right. I did this and this is supposed to happen. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07

Well, what is going on, Jesus? Because one plus one is supposed to equal two, but it was not equaling two, and it was it, the picture was not what it what I anticipated it to be.

SPEAKER_09

So basically, one plus negative one is zero, and that's what she was getting. And and in the midst of this conversation, and this is the beauty of being married for 20 years. I was listening to it, uh, listening to what you were saying. Yes, I had in that beginning dealt with that checklist. I said, Will you please stop checklisting me? And so the biggest, and here's the thing, on our first separation, we had this round table. When we got back together, we got back together, we had this big round table with these big pies in there, right? Our biggest thing in that time was how we go about living. Yeah, how we think about, how we meditate, how we process things. So we sitting at the table, and I said, Valeria, one thing I admire about you, you take on tasks this big. This is stage one. I, on the other hand, cannot handle all of that. That's too much pressure. Okay. I'm more like this. We're gonna I'm gonna get this pie, but I'm gonna have to do it this way. Valeria is here and here and here, and she's done. Me, I'm like, oh, because if I do that, because nothing to the way I was, and this I definitely know I'm growing because the my my my the way I'm speaking is different. Because years ago I would say, this is who I am, but no, the way I was, okay, is um if it gets too much, I shut down. I still deal with that sometimes now, not as uh Frank, but if it it's like it's like it's like levels, you know, like the first time it was this too much, I shut down, but now I it's like weight training. You know, you put this weight on, okay, that's too much, and you add another 10 pounds. So it grow, it's growing. But yeah, if it gets too much, I shut down. And I think because of the fact of her checklist, and I'm already, and here's the thing about the biggest thing about error in our marriage, I knew I was doing wrong. Because I knew it. Okay, but then you tell me, oh no, then I'm gonna blow it all up. You ain't gotta tell me I already know. But at the same time, though, the problem with that is if I'm not gonna verbally tell her that, hey, I know I'm doing wrong, or I'm not gonna work on that, she don't know. Right. And so therefore, when she comes and telling me it's now compounded, I'm already beating myself up because I'm because I was a perfectionist, because I was introvert, because I always try, don't want people to be disliking me or failure or consider myself a failure. So I was doing everything possible to make sure that I wasn't these things. And so therefore, and I also don't like to tell everybody what I've been doing. Because nothing to if I don't do checklist, you said you was gonna do this, I gotta X. What are we gonna do about it? I couldn't deal with that. You see, right?

SPEAKER_07

He did he did not like accountability at all.

SPEAKER_09

Oh, accountability was not my friend.

Marriage Indecision Course Invitation

SPEAKER_07

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SPEAKER_04

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SPEAKER_06

And the second thing I want to talk about is um you mentioned

Therapy Breakthrough In Real Time

SPEAKER_06

therapy. Um I want to talk about some of those moments in therapy that really changed you and really changed uh your your marriage.

SPEAKER_09

So I'm gonna hit the therapy right now. I want to give a shout out to James Quant. James Quantz was my therapist at the time. And James Quant was a great therapist. Okay. Um I think he retired or now I'm moving on. So I was going to James, he understood me. We he he, you know, one of the things about therapy, you want to be able to not only maybe trust the person to talk to, but also get something back, and I did. Okay. I was doing the work. So, but he also did marriage counseling. So the first time I say, hey, you know, I'll let you invite you to one of my counseling, she came. Doing the separation, right? Yeah. So we'd sit in there talking, an issue came up. I became now the biggest thing about me is I know how to express myself, but I know how to ex- I know how to express myself in the ways that's tolerable, that doesn't look like I'm because I'm very animated, and I when I don't feel like people understand me, I get very animated and loud, look like a big gorilla.

SPEAKER_07

I would call him the angry bear.

SPEAKER_09

Oh, I'm sorry. Angry bear. Whatever, you know, however that be. So I had that angry bear moment. Okay. And I saw it in Valeria was like, see, this is what I'm talking about. You know, this is what I'm talking about. So I'm sitting down. That's the stuff I'm talking about right there.

SPEAKER_07

For real. Like, I felt I felt vindicated in that moment. Like, you see this, right? My guy James.

SPEAKER_06

Okay. So we went to the therapy session. And the angry bear makes an appearance. The angry bear making an appearance.

SPEAKER_09

Oh, and that's oh my goodness. I'm telling James, my man James, and this, I got, I had to do this. He's like, mm-hmm. Uh-huh. And he talks like this. So, Sam, what you're saying is, and he emulated what I did.

SPEAKER_05

Yes.

SPEAKER_09

And he was like, oh, and he even got down on the floor. Now I didn't do that, but he got the floor bounding and all that, stood in the chat, all of that. And then he sat back and he like, is that what you're saying? And I was like, yes. And I was like, Just like a look. That's all I was saying. I was like, I feel like I was understood. And I learned and I sat back.

SPEAKER_07

And I was confused, befuddled. Just like, what? You said, Why he do this and what's going on?

SPEAKER_05

I'm like, huh? What?

SPEAKER_07

And so then he asked, I'm just thoroughly just taking aback. Yeah, I don't know what just happened, but he did all of this, he did all of that. Asked him, Did he, is that what you were saying? He says yes. And now I'm sitting there like. What kind of therapist is this? Exactly. So then he said, Well, Valeria, tell me how you feel. And so I tell him how I feel. And, you know, all, you know, reserved sitting, you know, I might have a few hand gestures, because you know, I talk with my hands. Um, but for the most part, I was very calm, you know, da-da-da-da-da-woo, woo. He said, So you're saying such and such and such and such and such and such. Is that accurate? Yes. And then me and Sam looked at each other and he was like Is that what you were saying? Right. And I'm like, and that's what you were saying? And it was like we've been talking all this time, but not understanding each other at all. Wow. Like, because the cold breaker. He literally was cracking the code. As like, so we for a while, for a few sessions, we would come in and say what it is we were we were saying. He would interpret it and say, is that accurate? Yes. And the other person will be like, oh, that's what you were saying.

SPEAKER_06

So what you all are really, I just need to say this before I forget it. So what you really so what you're saying is a successful marriage. Uh-huh. You need love. Uh-huh. You need respect, uh-huh. Mutual respect.

unknown

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_06

You need effective communication. Uh-huh. And a very good therapist. Listen. But above all, God. God. God.

SPEAKER_09

And so the, so yes, he James really helped me to understand and as well as give me tools. And so that I applied those tools. Um, especially when it came down to the point of an explanation. So I literally, like before James, I would go through the whole conversation with Valeria in my head. Just so I could say, oh, how can I approach? Because see, Valeria gives you that answer, and that's it. I'm the one. I need to go further than that. Because that answer just don't compute with me.

SPEAKER_06

You need some whys, and you need you. You need to show how show your math. Yeah. Right, right. And I'm like, I don't, I don't want to do that. And I don't want to do that. I need to know step by step how you got here. Right. So I can figure out how to approach and how to and because that's how that's how you think that's how I process and think.

SPEAKER_09

That's how you are, yeah. She done. Me, I'm like, well, see, this glass is technically taupe shaped, but you know, but it's got this. I'm looking at the it's just a glass, Sam. Look at that. No, no, no, it's more than just a glass. And so that right there just shows the fact that our perspectives of life. Mm-hmm. Done. Me, I'm like, well, and that's why a lot of times I don't really do a lot of things because I'm looking at this glass and then just picking up the glass and using it. I'm analyzing it. I'm looking at it. What am I gonna do with this? How can I do this? Well, this can happen, and that could happen, or this can happen. And that's why I'll do sitting in a chair on any opportunity in life, even in my own marriage. Well, if I do this, why she received it? Well, you know what? She don't usually receive it. Well, she might be mad. Well, you know, no, but she might have a bad day, but at the same time, you want to, I do want to do that, but it may not be. So you overthink to the point of just to the point of paralysis.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah, it's like I analysis analysis, paralysis.

SPEAKER_06

And now you tired. It's like what you come in, hey, hey, she won't even have but you I I love the fact that you all went to think you you all recognized there was an issue, you wanted to stay together, even after you separated, you realize that this is this is my person. And you did the work that was necessary to get to the next place. Yeah. You sitting here listening to you now, I can tell some of the things were difficult just by you know the way you're saying it, you're communicating and the way you're looking at each other, but you still did it.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

You still did it. Why did you do it? Is it something as simple as I love him, I love her? Or was there what was there something else? Why did you make the effort to make the you you learned about yourselves, you learned about each other, you had those oh moments and that propelled you, that that kid that and then that that propelled you to the next thing and it's kept you going. Why?

SPEAKER_07

Before I answer that, I want to take one step back and talk about a little bit about my therapy journey, which helps to tie it all together for me. Okay. So I'm with my therapist and I I go in there. I've never done, well, I had done therapy before that went horribly wrong. Um, I go into this therapist, I go in there, and I'm just when you want to. Yeah, I'm gonna say it like I feel, like I feel it. I was like, this young white woman cannot help me. That was that was the way I felt. Okay. I felt like she was too young and too inexperienced, and I didn't I felt like she was either my age or younger, and at that point I'm in my 30s. So I'm like, what does she really know? Like, does she really have any background and reference to help me and to help me as a black woman in my marriage? So I had all these preconceived notions. That's important because at the very beginning of our session, we I sat down and she said, Why are we here? Why are you why are you here? And I tell her why I'm there. And after hearing my five, 10 minute spiel, she says, she looks at me and she says, Can we pray? Now it was important to me to have a Christian therapist because I wanted to make sure that I was with somebody that aligned with my values. Okay. My Christian values.

SPEAKER_09

And James was Christian too. Yes.

SPEAKER_07

Um, because the first therapist I went to, like I said, it went horribly wrong in that one session. I got what I needed out of that one session, but it wasn't I it I was clear that I could not go back there. Um, but the the this young lady, she said, can we pray? And I said, and I'm shocked. Now mind you, I searched for a Christian therapist. But when she but she caught me off guard when she said, Can we pray? And I said, Okay. And I'm sitting there now, I'm like, what's going on? Now I prayed for. So she says, God, I know that you're a God of miracles. We need you to work a miracle in this situation.

SPEAKER_06

Was this after the first or the second separation? This was the first separation.

SPEAKER_07

Oh my God. I said it. I'm literally now I'm taken aback, like, what? What did she talk about? We need a miracle. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_06

Okay, that's funny.

SPEAKER_07

That's funny. I said, but I would, but in the at the same time, I was comforted because I was like, no water was spilled in the production of this.

SPEAKER_06

Listen to you, I just had to she listened to you for 10 minutes. And then she's taking me break for a miracle. And then she said, miracles. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_08

Thank you for the miracles. That is the layer. God used you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_06

Lord got a decision. She said, You are going to be a miracle. That is happening.

SPEAKER_07

And I was like, wow. But for me, it was like, are you? You said you wanted a Christian therapist. Uh-huh. You've been saying that, you know, you're following God in this situation. So you can't be mad that she just prayed for a miracle. Because obviously that's what you need. That's what y'all need is a miracle. So it opened me up to look for a miracle. And so after our third session, I think it was our second or third, I want to say it was our third session. And Sam had asked me to come to a session with him, with his therapist. And I asked her, I said, I don't know that I feel safe with his therapist. And she happened to know him. And she said, What I from what I know of him, I believe that you will be fine. And that and that he can help you. He can help you both. She said, I believe that he'll be able to be balanced. And he won't, he just because he's his therapist, he won't take sides. Oh no, he didn't. And so he got on me, too. And so that's why it was so impactful when I got there, kind of like, I don't know what to expect here. And then that whole demonstration took place. He was like, is that what you were saying? And he was like, Yes. And then he was able to interpret my words. And is that what you were saying? Yes. And so it I'm telling you, we wouldn't have gotten there had I not had a Christian therapist who prayed the miracle.

SPEAKER_09

For a miracle. The miracle happened right there and there. Because it was the communication barrier. Because your family sits down at tables and have conversations and talk. My family do it too, but it's a different conversation in how we talk. So that's why I said that historical makeup. I had to learn to take how I want to express and bring it to a level for understanding for her. And then at the same time, she got to say, okay, I know my husband is very analytical, so I gotta be very critical in how I deliver this. So he won't be asking a whole bunch of questions. She don't just like, you know, and oh, um, that's like I don't think you answered the question, but that's but um the reason I went to therapy and stuck through everything that we went through, especially in our marriage, because I know dating was one thing, but marriage was the other. It was kind of I gotta go back to one time we was on the phone and we was talking about, I think it was around we were again going through wedding plans and stuff, and I said, you know what? I hope that this marriage doesn't prepare us for the next. And we had a long silence and thinking, like, you know, we're gonna break up and then what we went through is gonna prepare us to be for the ones that God has for us.

SPEAKER_07

Oh, when we were dating, yeah. That the red that was dating. Yeah, we were we were dating at that point. Yeah. We were like, I hope that this does this. No. It was during the marriage.

SPEAKER_09

We were married. It was during the wedding plan. Because we already didn't say the engagement. Uh so then we weren't married, yeah. If we were. It was engaged. It was during the wedding. I said, Okay, so during your engagement, what happened? We had a conversation, okay, and a thought came to me and said, Well, man, you know, what if we do like something about the divorce? And I was like, Well, maybe this is the maybe this is the preparing ground for our next. And so, but the thought Of me being with another woman. Uh, but at the same time though, there's growth. What if we go, what we go through is preparing us for the next year. And so she was like, well, maybe. And well, that's how I kind of took it. Because one, every every time we broke up, I was a better for her. A better version. A better version for her. She was better for me. Well, she had to tell you when her. I knew I was improving. I can't really say when she started to go back to work.

SPEAKER_07

The third time we broke up is when I started working on me.

SPEAKER_09

Yeah, because I'm like, I don't think she really, but I know I did the work.

SPEAKER_07

He he was putting in the work, he was.

SPEAKER_09

And so, um, and I think that's another reason too. I know I was putting in the work, but I'm not being recognized. That, okay, I'm gonna say that party close ears. That pissed me off. So, no, no, wait a minute, David. But seriously, that's how I was. And it's still not good enough. WT fill another letter. You know what I'm saying? So I'm like, dude. So, yes, that frustrated me because I also was at the point, no one understood me or gave me credit for what I was doing. That's how I felt.

SPEAKER_06

That's what you want. You want you somebody tells you, this is a change I want you to make. This is what's going wrong, this is what could be improved. You do those things and it's still not good enough. That is a very frustrating. It's very frustrating because it's like that's I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I need you to tell me. You tell me. I I to I I share it, I give it back to you. I say, Is this what you're saying? And then I do those things and I come back. I'm ready now. Like, okay, see, I did XYZ, XYZ, I see, and it's probably and you're not proud of me.

SPEAKER_09

Or or you don't say that's off your list, that's this woman. You don't cross it off. But then you tell me you okay you gotta work on it. Oh no, this woman, come on. You gotta hold a woman in the list.

SPEAKER_06

That's another woman, another damn list. I mean more list with that without recognizing that I I at least did this part. See, I'm a middle child, so I feel I feel you know that because I was the only child married to the baby child.

SPEAKER_09

So, you know, and it's a beautiful thing.

Choosing Growth Instead Of Quitting

SPEAKER_09

I'm just gonna say it's a beautiful thing. So I say all that because um the reason that I stayed in. Okay, it goes back to that conversation. I cannot move forward knowing that I did an improvement if I didn't give her the chance to experience it. How dare I say, okay, yeah, I'm gonna end this, and then she having to see me. And you know, we've seen the movie like Acrimonia and all, we've seen the movies, the man was there, she was all there, or you know, you know, even like celebrity marriages. Okay, so I helped this person get to this point, he leaves, and then this woman who I did all the benefits and went through all the crap, but this woman gets the benefits. I did not want that on Samuel W. Wright III's name. So I said, no, we Lord, only you on the second step, only you can make this work. But I'm doing the work. What are we gonna do, God? Because at the end of the day, the biggest thing that I had to learn was one, this is God's daughter. Who knows how to handle his daughter better than God Himself? Yes, it's Lee J Scott's physical daughter. Yes, the Scott, the mom, mom and dad Scott raised her, just like my mom and dad raised me. But we are the man and woman of God, we accepted Christ. So, what better person who formed them in the womb? They just did the do. But the womb, the womb making was in him. What clicked in the mind, how the residues and all that, and all the synapses and all that, God did. So, who were better to understand how to take care of a woman than God? So, Lord, if I'm to love her, love, love her like Christ loved the church and Jesus know me, help me to love your daughter. Help me to speak to your daughter, teach me how to talk to your daughter, teach me how to love your daughter. Because at the end of the day, I'm messing up. Because my hands are jacking it all up. This is the second separation, God, I can't deal with it no more. So, you know what? We got therapy and all that, but you know what I did not do? Come to you in the first place. So here I am. I lay myself before you now, Lord God. Because what I don't want to happen is another separation, and I be doggone, or I'm gonna go to another woman and not let my wife, who I marry, who you said this is my wife, go somewhere else, and I see her getting all the blessings and all the greatness, or she sees me getting this with this other woman, they getting on that, and she didn't get it. Oh no. That's why I stayed in it.

SPEAKER_06

That's what my faith. Your love, this is what I got from what you just said. Your love for my sister was so is so strong and has been so strong that you wanted to be a better person for yourself, but you also wanted her to benefit from it. You wanted her to get to the good part. And that goes back to what you said in the beginning. Your your dream of marriage, you wanted to be with someone who could help you. You and from what I and from what I've seen from you since I've known you, you're loyal, committed, anchored. And this is see when we talk about marriage, a lot of people think about buying the house, getting a car, having a very successful marriage. And a lot of those things are defined in their mind by material things.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

I was just telling uh one of my younger, one of one one of my younger folks, one of the younger folks in my life, it's not what someone can give to you physically that's the most important. And this is just my take. And I mean, I'm just I I just feel it, see it here. And I I I did not know all of this. A lot of this, a lot of this is such a surprise. You need some more. A lot of this is such a surprise to me because I didn't know you like this. You know, uh, and again, I've seen it, but just hearing hearing your heart and hearing you so passionate about your love for my sister, we have to have character. We have to have that love for God because you said, I want to honor God. What everything you said was just so so so meaningful and so powerful because you said, This is God's daughter. How you said, this is God's daughter. God knows how to manage his daughter. Right. He loves God's daughter, yeah. He's committed to God's daughter. Yeah, he's done ABC XYZ. He's brought it to God's daughter on a silver platter, and he says, I want to be, I want this to work. Well, a lot of people, you know what? I'm sick of this, I'm gonna give up. Not that, not that that wasn't your thought at some point. I'm not saying that. And I know that they're not saying that that wasn't your thought at some point. I don't think that ever came across my mind.

SPEAKER_07

I was about to say, I don't know that that ever that divorce was never an option with me.

SPEAKER_06

Divorce was never an option for you.

SPEAKER_07

And and it's it for for me. So when she said I gotta go, see this speaks to what the world? This this speaks to me. Okay, what did I do?

SPEAKER_09

Because the second, I don't know, what did I do now? Now I didn't not do because I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_07

And I and you know, that that makes that that takes me to because you you talk about how I was always the one to say, you know, we're breaking up or you know, we have to separate. Um the the the the first separation um I re I remember distinctly when I sit as in the midst of moving and I said, you know, this is you know, not not I don't think we should move together. Uh we should, you know, move to different places. Um in the midst of bringing down the house.

SPEAKER_06

I just need to stop for a minute. I'm sorry. Please hold your thoughts. I'm packing. I'm wrapping glasses and newspapers. I'm wrapping the plates. Not great. We're gonna put this in the basement of the new place in the morning. We're going in. It's like, and all of a sudden, I'm I think we're moving.

SPEAKER_09

No, it's not my best moment.

SPEAKER_06

And I'm moving.

SPEAKER_09

And I'm like, and we was done. We spent all day packing into a new house.

SPEAKER_07

And we had left clothes in the class. We were literally like packing the in the middle of packing the truck up.

SPEAKER_09

You made sure everything was clean.

SPEAKER_07

For real. And I'm like, Because I didn't know. Remember, he was an angry bear, so I wasn't sure how he would receive it. So you said in my eyes, he was an angry bear. So so I was like, I don't know how he's gonna receive this. So I have to wait until the very last moment, but I have to tell him. And so, like, his friend were our friends were helping us move um and pack up the truck. And so I was like, Well, okay, Valeria, y'all done almost packed up everything in the house. You need to tell him. And so I see because where are these things going? Right. So I told him, um, but it was that that was that was scary for me and heartbreaking for him, I would probably imagine.

SPEAKER_09

That was heartbreak, but the biggest heartbreak is when you know your separation, you come home and you see an empty place. I don't rest. I do not recommend, I hope you all don't ever experience anything like that. But you know, you're about the second separation. Yeah. We in the apartment together. We I went to go do a job, I went to go film a wedding, and I come back home, and I ain't gonna lie, I didn't want to come home because I knew she was gone. But when you walk in, and all you see is a couch and a bedroom set and your office, and everything else is gone. That is one of the hardest hidden things I know ever wish anyone their experience. I know there are adult people out there that did experience it.

SPEAKER_07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09

But it's very hard.

SPEAKER_07

And it was it was hard, it was hard to do. It was hard for me to pack up. And, you know, I had uh one of our sisters and my friend to to help. Um, and it was it was heartbreaking to to pack all of that stuff up, stuff up. And I broke down on the elevator because I was just like, how did we get here again? Like, how did we get to the place where we are separating again? And my heart just broke because I'm like, I don't, I don't understand what we're doing wrong to have gotten here again. And you didn't want to be there? I I couldn't be like, it wasn't that I didn't want to be there anymore. I couldn't be there because I had lost respect for him. So when we talk about respect, like I had lost respect for him. Okay. And so because I had lost respect, there was really nothing that he could have done at that point to make me feel differently.

Marriage Indecision Course Reminder

SPEAKER_07

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SPEAKER_04

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SPEAKER_06

That was a horizontal crack in the foundation.

SPEAKER_09

And

Losing Respect And Rebuilding Trust

SPEAKER_09

I wanted to take this moment, okay? Because of that, like I said earlier, one thing I learned about marriage is what you do, you will reap. Okay, and that's what I meant. Okay. I knew what thing I knew, and here's the thing. And I knew there were things I should have been doing, but I just didn't push myself to do. Okay. I you I I used to live, I'm choosing these words very wisely and carefully because what you speak will be. I'm used to live reactively. Okay. Once the rock and the hard place hit, then I spring to action. Not, not, not, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Not being proactive. Proactively or or not letting it happen. Okay, I know if I don't do this, this will happen. So I learned from my mistakes. But the things was I once I found that out, it was so quick how I got a job. I was just driving an Uber. I knew I could have done that, but I just didn't want to do that. But then I did that. Then now also I had to live on my own. I never lived on the mom. I went from I went from my parents to marriage. We both did, yeah. Dependent, dependent. So now I got, and not only that, because we live independent, we are in all honesty, because even then I didn't make enough, but I still supplied, but it wasn't enough to say I am providing in her eyes. But I was giving from what I was making, but it wasn't received. All she knew was, and it's true, I have a college degree. Why are you stuck in this position? Because I was afraid to achieve. This whole set, all these camera angles, all that, this is Samuel Wright. So I'm very, I'm very, I thank God for the gift and talent.

SPEAKER_07

You're excellent at what you do.

SPEAKER_09

And I receive. Thank you, Lord. And thank you, Valeria. And to step out into that, fear, I was so scared because I I fear failure more so than okay, you learn from this and move on. And that's pretty much why I kept myself from moving forward in the workings that quite frankly, I we probably should have been in Hollywood or at least in a different position. But I also cannot say God knew the plan. God knew our lives. And all this had to happen for a reason to this moment right here. Ain't no telling where this is gonna go from this point. And that's what gives me hope and not regret. Because everything that happens happens for a reason. God, God wrote this out, okay. So I'm gonna have Sam and Valerie meet this day. I'm gonna have Sam and Valer separate this day, I'm gonna have Sammy Valer this way. This one, Sam's gonna actually let me do his work on him so he can be a husband. And this one, Valerie's gonna say, okay, Lord, I need you to help me be a better wife. And then next thing you know, they're gonna talk about them this day. And then next thing I know, Sam is not open up to share his testimony and help others to do see this. I don't know what this is gonna do for us. Valerie will tell you, I don't like, I don't want to do this, I don't want no one to know about it.

SPEAKER_07

I didn't want to do it either. We didn't want to do it. Let's be honest, but I felt God put pushing me. I felt, I know God said season two of Press and the Purpose is about marriage. And you cannot ask people about their marriages without sharing your story. You all have been through 20 years. It's time to share your story.

SPEAKER_06

I want to talk about something that's very common in today's in today's environment. Okay. Many times a woman will earn more than a husband, even though they're equally educated. And especially when you have a creative person paired with the technical person. Yes, you're creative, but your job is is is very technical. And creatives, our income fluctuates. So was that part of the struggle financial, financially, and then um, and if the financial part was part of the struggle, how did you all manage that? How did you you get through that with your income being sporadic, you following your dream, and having everything that you need to make a lot of money? As creatives, we're creating. But I did not understand the depth of respect that has grown between the two of you. Yeah, I knew there was a lot of love, but it's it it it feels like the love has just blossomed between the two of you.

SPEAKER_07

It really has because we've learned how to speak not just know what each other's love languages are, but actually be intentional about speaking to each other and our love languages.

SPEAKER_06

So your communication style has greatly improved. Yes.

SPEAKER_09

Communication styles. Um also one of the things that I have to learn in order for us to be in this place is that she's not trying to hurt me. I had to actually learn how to say it's okay for me to speak when I'm struggling with something or when I'm dealing with something. She's not my enemy. She's because for years I left Valeria up as a pedestal even before God. Okay. Uh, because I'm like, I because the way Valeria's 80-20, I could always, I'm always gonna be wrong. Even if she overcooked the fish, I cooked the fish. Or or you know, or or someone at work cussed her out. No, it was me that cussed her out. You know, it's it's I was I was the one, I was always beneath.

SPEAKER_07

You know, and so I would literally always say, it's your fault. But I would be joking. But I tell you, he internalized all of that. Okay, and I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_09

Right. So to learn to joke like we joke like that all the time. Yeah. And and so once I really came to the point of after our second separation and really dealt and told her, and I remember this, I said, look, what I cannot take is you leaving me again.

SPEAKER_07

I can't take that no more. And I said, I cannot take walking out again.

SPEAKER_09

And I told her, and listen, I did not like you. I and it took me a while to forgive her for her leaving. Because I didn't, even though I understand all the reasons why I get it, but I didn't say I'm out, I was in it. And so, and even then, and even through that, you know, so to get to that point, and even like you asked earlier, it was about the fact that we had two different incomes. And I think in the beginning it was really it was really hard. Okay. Because the, you know, I was working, but I wasn't working on my stuff. Okay. Then I got fired. Okay. Then I tried to do the acting and all that to get into Hollywood. That went down. Then, you know, uh got working again at Minsies, but I didn't work on me. Okay. You know, went up the ladder in at Minsies, uh, being even in at that time when we was in Bellwood, that wasn't even, yeah, this is good, but it's now, I'm like, but I'm stepping up. You're not gonna acknowledge the fact I went from tying the pallet to Lee to supervisor, you're not gonna acknowledge none of that. And so it was like, well, why am I doing this? And yet you want me to do these things, but why am I gonna do this? If you're not acknowledging the little things I'm doing, because I'm a words of affirmation guy. And if you're not giving me words of affirmation, and I know for Valeria, it wasn't until after, it wasn't until our second separation when she said the one thing. We got off the phone with they farm, and I was just like, oh no, I'm gonna do this, I gotta take care, you know, because I really because I was dependent. And she said, in the nicest, kindest way. And she said, Sam, you got this. You can handle this. Now she says it all the time, but just the way she said it gave me the encouragement. I walked out of that room and I said, and I told her, and my heart broke and I cried, and I said, you know, that's the first time I actually felt that you meant meant what you said. And she's like, but I've been saying all the time. But the way you did it, the way you said, I actually felt encouraged, I felt love. And I walked out of that room stronger

Love Languages And Encouragement That Lands

SPEAKER_09

and went on my day.

SPEAKER_07

And that was just before I left the second time. But it was also uh that was year 16.

SPEAKER_06

Okay.

SPEAKER_07

So imagine me thinking that I'm doing a good job these second eight years of encouraging him and telling him that he's doing great and all these things, and he isn't receiving it because of the way that I'm saying. And uh there's a poignant story in this. Our second, so in the second separation, we're you know, living, he's living in his apartment, I'm living in my apartment. And I had gotten to the point where I had finally started praying and saying, Okay, God, I'm here. You said that separation was necessary, so what are we doing? Like, because I don't want to do this anymore. I would rather just get divorced and move on with my life. But you're saying that separation is necessary, so what what are we doing? Um, and it was at it was at that point. Wait, what part of the story was I you said something that made me think about this, the poignant part of the story. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. So I I got to the point and I was I was praying and I was just thinking about things and thinking about our relationship, and I started, I had started praying. And it was a prayer that was mostly about God changing my heart, which was hard. Um and then about our marriage, but Sam, I I rem I remember distinctly saying, I've always encouraged him. I've always told him that he wasn't, you know, I because in the household that we grew up in, we were told, you're not a dummy. You're, you know, you you can, you know, you're you're not slow, you're not a dummy, you're you can do whatever. So in my mind, I would say some of those same things to him, like, you're not a dummy, you're not stupid, you can do anything. Well, I didn't realize that when I was saying those things, what he heard was, you're a dummy. You're stupid. Because he wasn't raised in a household like that. So the way I learned how to encourage was not translating well with him at all. And it wasn't until I was sitting there talking to God, and I heard myself saying, You're not a dummy, you're not stupid. I was like, Oh my God. He thinks that I'm that I think that he's dumb and stupid. And I had never ever even thought about that's how somebody else might interpret what I'm saying. And I'll never forget, I was so excited with this revelation. And I called dad. And I'm because I was like, because dad is the one that that's how he encouraged us. And I called him, and I said, Daddy, daddy, I got the tail you. Oh boy. And I was like, you know, you know, I'm always, you know, Sam said that, you know, I don't really encourage him and this and that. And I was like, but I'm always, I was always telling him, you're not a dummy, you're not stupid. He was like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I said, but dad, that's not good. He was like, what do you mean? I said, that's not good. Like he wasn't receiving it. He was like, I don't know, I don't understand why. Because he's not a dummy and he's not stupid, and he is smart, and he can do whatever. I was like, yeah, but the way I was frame phrasing it, he wasn't receiving it. And dad didn't understand, but it was at that moment that I was like, he's not gonna understand because we received what he said the way he said it, and we turned out pretty decently. So he's wired. You know what I'm saying? That's the word exactly. So I just have to take the revelation that I now have, and I call, I'll I'll call Sam and I told him, and he was like, Well, it's about time. And I was like, uh wow.

SPEAKER_09

What? This is why it's good to have two people tell the story because I don't even remember this conversation. You don't? I don't.

SPEAKER_07

Oh my God. He was like, he don't remember, you will never forget. I will never forget. He said, it's about time that you understand where I'm coming from. He was like, every time you said that to me, I felt like you were telling me I was dumb and stupid. I don't remember that, bro. And I'm like, for real? And I was like, wow. So in my own way, unknowingly, I was sabotaging my own relationship. Yeah, you had no idea. With poor communication.

SPEAKER_09

Because, you know, and then and it took her, even during that time, the boundaries books. Oh, yes. And so, and Valera said it very clear. I had no boundaries because I put on masks to make sure everyone was cool, don't bother me. I had my own way of communion. Communion for her. But the problem is she sees me all the day. So I just can't, because that's why you're tired of wearing that mess is at the getting. And then who is this guy? This is who I am. Let me be in my room, play NBA 2K, tell me when to eat, and I'll come see you in the bed when I'm ready to go to sleep. That's how I was. I was very introverted. Because at the end of the day, I didn't feel at the time, early in our marriage, I didn't feel like I could come into a warming home. I didn't feel like I could come in and say, okay, I could release. Not only that, we only have one TV. She watches period stuff. I don't want to watch it. She watches Down from the Abbey. She watches Bridgeton and then watch.

SPEAKER_08

Bridgeton. No, I didn't watch a little bit of a little bit. About we didn't get into ground, huh?

SPEAKER_07

Up to season two. But he likes like the suspense and the thrillers. The way they did the ground was good. The documentary.

SPEAKER_09

Mindhunters, that's me. You know,

Boundaries Masks And Personality Insights

SPEAKER_09

yes, I watched Dahmer. I did. Because not because I'm crazy, because I want to understand how can someone become. It's like it's like reading a documentary. You know, how did Martin Luther King become Martin Luther King? That doesn't make you crazy. You want to know how. How's that's like us? How our marriage is 20 years. That's our documentary. Yeah. All right. So at that time, I was pretty much I'm doing all I can, I'm not getting no recognition. Bump it. I know I can get recognition by myself. But it's not healthy though. Because at the end of the day, when you sit by yourself, when you're still, and all you hear is this negativity and this festering, it don't it don't build, it didn't build me up. It just kept me in a solid place, you know. And and going through the journeys of our premarri of our premarriage, of our early years, it just really just kept me in a dark place. But it wasn't until the second where I had to deal with myself. My friend Barry put me on this personality test. Now I ain't gonna lie, this personality test knew me. I was like, how in the world? This personality, I forgot what it was called, but this personality test, I took it, and when I got the results, I'm like, you don't know me. I'm like, what the? I was cussing, I was like, wait a minute. And I'm reading, I'm like, yeah, yeah. Okay, so how I go against this? Oh, that makes sense. And I told Valeria about it, she said, no, this don't know me.

SPEAKER_07

She got the same thing, but Yeah, I I felt sane as well. I was like, like exposed. Like seen in a bad way. Like I felt exposed. I was like, just rude.

SPEAKER_09

Like, like, like, like, like, okay, and then maybe talk to the Lord, because he sees me all the time, because this is too too close to home. Like, do you just follow me for the rest of my life? This is like, hmm, mm-hmm. But anywho, I say all that to say, yes, at that time, it was good to be understood. Okay. It was good to hear. Well, actually, for me at that time, I prayed what I prayed. I lift her up to the Lord and said, now look, you gotta deal with your daughter. I can't do with me. And to see, and to me, that was more so guys like, hey, see we see what you see what you do, see what happens when you let me do? So just let me continue doing. I'm like, okay. And that's what we did. And so to hear that and to hear the things that I even like, but don't you understand? You know, and but even then I didn't really have in all honesty, I really didn't have a I didn't even have a place to go to talk to people growing up, going in my early marriage. I had one conversation with my dad, and he told me one thing, and I was like, okay, there goes that. And then I mean, I could have, I could have talked to her dad, but at the same time, you his child. So how that's gonna help me? He's going to side with you.

SPEAKER_07

Now you could have given some insight. But he probably wouldn't have. That's the part you don't know.

SPEAKER_06

Speaking from experience, yeah, he did, he did, he didn't probably wouldn't automatically side with us.

SPEAKER_07

He did not.

SPEAKER_09

But see, but that's assumption. And that's another thing too I dealt with. Assuming Valerie would do this, assuming that would happen, assuming, which kept me from a lot of things. Which also kept me from a lot of things, not just in my marriage, but also outside of in my life while I'm supposed to be doing. Assuming this like, I didn't think I would have this much fun or be this open in this conversation. I came in here, was saying I would not. And here's the thing I've gone to the point of knowing, Sam. You say all the give it about a minute and then say now he's open. And now look at it. You all watching this from whatever part this may be. You said this man was like, mm-hmm, I'm grateful. Eating Skittles, and now, and that was wrong. You got Skittles in the hand, eating Skittles and talking about I'm grateful. So now you can't cry at me now.

Closing Laughs And Next Tease

SPEAKER_07

Facts on the next episode of Press and Purpose.

SPEAKER_00

We made an industry of it too. Because people started selling these Purity Rings, everybody's writing a book about. That's true. You know what I'm saying? You know, you had youth ministries, you know, hold the whole services, that's where white, and you know.

SPEAKER_05

I remember, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I remember people know I'm a virgin in Christ.

SPEAKER_05

I never went to it, but I remember.

SPEAKER_00

You know, you were I'm a virgin in Christ. My body count 742, but I'm a virgin in Christ. You know, it's like, you know, you know, I'm gonna reset. Right, let me reset. You know what I'm saying? So I'm pure. I am pure today. I was a whole yesterday, but I'm pure today. I understand why I can't get mad at you the body, right? Let me reset. Okay, I'm ready. Right, and the message is because you reset, now you deserve a husband or wife.

SPEAKER_07

See you next time.