In His Footsteps: The Father I Lost, The Father I’ve Become

Note: This episode includes a son’s personal reflections on his father’s suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Visit 988Lifeline.org or dial 988 to speak with a trained counselor, 24/7. 

What does it mean to honor the legacy of a father who gave everything he had—even when he had very little left to give?

In this deeply personal Father’s Day conversation, Marcus Straub shares the life and lessons of his father Edward—a complex, resilient man who transformed a childhood of hardship into a legacy of strength, service, and sacrificial love. From growing up in Brooklyn as "the bastard child" to a life dedicated to social work, Edward’s journey shaped the son who now walks in his footsteps.

This is a story of grit and grace. Of a father who sold his most prized possession so his son could have his first car. Of a final goodbye that came by choice, after decades of living with the chronic pain of Crohn’s disease. And of a son who carries his father’s wisdom into every area of his life—as a dad, second dad, Papa, coach, and man.

Through powerful reflections, Marcus offers a heartfelt message about the generational legacy we all inherit—and the one we have the power to create. This episode is for anyone navigating fatherhood, grief, or the invisible thread that connects us to those who made us who we are.

Want more? Hear Marcus in Episode #2 and Episode #3, “Partners, Fathers & Leaders.” 

Chapters

• 0:00 A Father's Legacy of Strength and Love
• 10:24 Growing Up in Brooklyn: Dad's Early Years
• 22:30 Professional Life and Family Moves
• 34:10 The Battle with Crohn's Disease
• 50:53 Lessons of Fatherhood and Being a Warrior
• 1:03:24 His Father's Final Day and Processing Grief
• 1:15:16 Creating a Blended Family and Grandparenthood
• 1:23:28 Legacy, Forgiveness and Life's Greatest Gifts

Transcript

The Sisters: 0:04

How do we carry the wisdom, the grit and the love of the fathers who shaped us, especially when their lives were defined not by ease but by struggle, perseverance, strength and the quiet power of showing up? And how do we take what they gave us their lessons, their resilience, their values and use it to lead our own lives with more purpose, presence and clarity? Today's conversation is deeply personal. Marcus isn't just my husband and best friend. He's a warrior, a man of conviction, compassion and deep inner wisdom. A father, a second father and a new grandfather. A coach who has guided countless others through their own journeys with honesty and heart. In this special Father's Day episode, we explore how the legacy of his father a man of quiet determination, discipline, humor and enduring love continues to influence Marcus's life, his leadership and the way he parents, partners and shows up for his family. This is a story of generational strength and personal transformation, of a son who honors his father's life not with grief but with gratitude. Of a son who honors his father's life not with grief but with gratitude. Of a man who carries forward a legacy not in memory alone but in the way he chooses to live, lead and love every day. Welcome to The P-I-G, where we explore life, love, loss and legacy through real conversations and meaningful stories, with purpose, intention and gratitude. I'm Kellie and I'm Erin. We're sisters, best friends, sometimes polar opposites, but always deeply connected by the life and love of the woman who shaped us, our mother Marsha, and today we're honored to share a story rooted in presence, perspective and the powerful imprint of a father's love.

Kellie: 1:51

Marcus, I've been looking forward to this conversation for quite some time, and when you first shared the story of your father's final day back in episode three of The P-I-G, it wasn't just a memory. It was a moment of truth that changed your life. You weren't just honoring his passing, you were honoring his choice. After decades of living with the pain and complications of Crohn's disease, he made the courageous decision to let go, and you met that moment with grace, with compassion and a strength that few people will ever understand. But what stayed with me most through all the conversations we've shared about our parents through the years isn't just that day. It's everything that came before it, every lesson he taught you, every moment that shaped you, the father, the partner, the man you've become.

Kellie: 2:39

Today. You carry his presence in the way you live, love, lead and continue to show up for me, for your family, your clients and our community. And while I've never had the chance to meet him, I feel like I know him because I know you. So today, in honor of Father's Day and part of our Father's Day series, and to recognize the 16th anniversary of your dad's passing in early July, I want to thank you for sitting down with us again to share what time, perspective and healing have revealed, to reflect on your own journey as a son, a father to Savannah, a second dad to Reis and Lily, and now papa to our sweet Reign grace. Thank you for letting us in and for allowing all of us to be a part of a story that's still being written. So, as we begin today, if someone who had never met your dad asked what was he like? What moment or memories or stories would you share to capture who he truly was and what he meant to you?

Marcus: 3:43

I find it difficult to share one story that would fully encompass him, because he was a dynamic man. I will tell you that the thing that comes to mind when you ask me that question is the time that I went over to pick up my daughter, savannah. My mom and my dad were watching Savannah one day and I drive into the driveway and the front doors open and I walk in the front door and here comes my daughter on her tricycle through the dining room, through the kitchen, across the living room, out the front door and around the side of the house and the back doors open too. And I'm like what in the world is going on? Because I never got to do that as a kid.

Marcus: 4:19

And he said she's having fun, that's so cute. And she just was doing laps through the house. It's midsummer, air conditioner's on wide open. He didn't care. She's squealing and having an absolute ball and we're all sitting there just eating it up. I mean that was just such a precious wonderful fun moment. As strong as he was, as much as he'd been through he also had this really kind, sweet, loving, precious side to him.

Erin: 4:45

Well and how I imagine I am not a grandparent but for you guys and for him, I imagine that the grandparenting style turns out very differently than the parenting style.

Marcus: 4:56

It does. Indeed. We talk about it all the time, Kellie and I, about how, when you're in the day-to-day of raising your children your food on the table, keeping a roof over everybody's head, going to games it's nonstop, and so you're in it, immersed in it. It's right in your face all the time. And you're young, you don't know what you're doing in many instances until you go through the process of parenting, and so when you come out on the backside as a grandparent and you're not in it every day, the daily struggles are not there every day, and you've learned so much. You've acquired what I call wisdom. It's very different to be a grandparent than a parent. It's a wholly different experience, is what I have found.

Kellie: 5:37

You telling that story. Marcus reminded me of Reign being over just this past weekend and you got her this beautiful table and chair set and her discovery of that was something to behold. I mean, little chairs her size and a little table her size. But then she realized and discovered that if she pushes the chair across the floor it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. And I'm actually taking a video which we may post on the website with this episode just for entertainment value and it's squeaking and squeaking and I'm like oh, wow, and I'm watching Marcus out of the corner of my eye. But I had that story of Savannah and the tricycle running through my head because it is an entirely different experience being a papa and a Kiki than it is being mom and dad with no owner's manual for how to raise a child.

Marcus: 6:35

Well, that was the first time that little Reign had ever seen a chair, probably that small, had ever scooted it across the floor and never heard that sound and really made that sound as a little person in her life. So for her that was a moment of discovery and awe and wonder and excitement. And so you know, you kind of watch that and just go. Well, she's not hurting the floor, so go for it, Go for it kid.

Kellie: 6:57

Well, you are a great papa and you are a great father and, I think, a really wonderful place to start this conversation today, which is a legacy conversation, but also in honor of Father's Day, celebrating both you and your dad, because there's so much to share about your dad's life and his living, and so it might be really fun for us to just kind of wind back the clock of time and start at the beginning and get to know your dad, edward Straub, a little bit deeper.

Marcus: 7:28

So yeah, my dad was a really wonderful man during his life and really in retrospect I know how much he cared truly, how much he loved truly. I think he was misunderstood because sometimes he was strong and firm and sometimes even hard, but he was raised hard. He came from a hard situation. My dad was born in Brooklyn, New York, in 1942 to two people, Florence and Eddie was my dad's father's name. Eddie was in the military. My father, my grandfather, my father's father, was in the military. My grandmother was in New York, Brooklyn, New York there and they didn't work out. That was one of those things where they wound up getting a divorce.

Marcus: 8:10

And back in the day, in the early 1940s or mid-1940s, divorce was not a normal thing. It was not looked upon very well and he endured a lot of suffering from the sense that number one. His father was not around. His parents were divorced. He was raised mostly by his grandparents in Polish neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York, without a lot, and he was a bastard. That's what he was called at school. Terrible. I mean the cruelty and meanness of that. But we've all been to school. We know how cruel children can be. And he paid a price he got beat up. He literally got beat up and bullied because he was a bastard child. So you know that's a pretty tough start and you have no choice. You have no say. Your parents are doing what they're doing. You're just trying to be a little boy.

Marcus: 8:54

A was Philip and Lottie Quatt that raised him. That was Florence's parents. He basically told my father's father to stay away, and my great grandfather, phil, was a very serious man and he was not to be messed with. And so Eddie stayed away. I think he literally feared for his life, in all likelihood didn't want to cause any problems for his son, and so what he did was is he left money at a candy shop in the neighborhood where my father grew up. So every day after school my father could go into the candy shop and get some penny candy, because that's what it was back in the day, and I think it was his way of giving his son a little sweetness, a little fun in his day in his life, without actually being able to be there. So that's kind of rough.

Marcus: 9:46

And then eventually, what happened is my grandma, Flo, met a man named Al Williams, who was a successful man in finance, if I remember correctly, and she wound up moving in with him and so he was raised in large part by Phil and Lottie. He did go to live with Al and my grandmother, Flo, at one point in his I point in his teenage years, early teenage years, and they'd send him away all summer to summer camp. So he learned how to ride horses and shoot bows and arrows and kayak and things like that and that's what his fun was for the summer. But I think my father never truly felt loved by Al Williams, never really cared for him. I don't think that he felt loved by his mom. I think he kind of felt abandoned by his mom a little bit, although she was in his life more than his father was. And I don't think anybody ever told him the story that grandpa Phil pulled Eddie to stay away. I don't think anybody, I don't think he knew that.

Marcus: 10:37

I found that in Fort Collins, Colorado, the first time I met my grandpa Eddie sitting at a bar drinking scotch, getting to know him, and he told me this story. So I'm not sure my father knew till later, later, later in his life, and that's how he grew up as a young man eventually graduated high school and moved to California and went to school there. He went to LA - I think it was LA City College, Los Angeles City College at the time and he was studying history. That's where he met my mother. She was from Central San Joaquin Valley, a place called Tipton, California, a little tiny farming community. They met walking down the street. They were walking opposite directions, opposite side of the street, they stuck their tongues out at each other and that was it.

Marcus: 11:18

So my dad had a little Karmann Ghia kind of reminds me of the story you and I have, Kellie, where we bought a bear painting one time and we have a convertible and we went to buy this painting. It was too big to put in the car so I held on to one side, she held on to the other while we're sitting in the car and drove our painting home. And I know stories of my parents moving furniture on the roof of the Karmann Ghia. So it's kind of funny. Right, a little similarities there. But that's where they met and my father was in social work after that. So he graduated college, got into social work, my parents got married, had me and my dad was rising through the ranks as a social worker and doing really, really well. That's pretty much how he entered his adult life from beginning to end kind of short story.

Erin: 12:00

Will you tell a little bit more about his professional life, just about you know his graduating from college and why he was drawn to social work, why he what drew him into that, and I would love to learn a little bit more about kind of some of that phase of his life, his professional work.

Marcus: 12:19

Absolutely. I think you know, my father came from a situation where he he would always had food, he always had people in his life, he always had family around him, but it was tough, and I think my dad genuinely cared about living beings. You know he cared about dogs, he always had an affinity for dogs and I think he just cared about kids. I think he felt that kids were very important and they deserve to be loved and cared for and valued and wanted and poured into, and he was aware that that wasn't always the case with children, and so social work gave him a way to sort of be a warrior, because he was a warrior for human beings and for life and for justice and truth, and I think it gave him a way to be a warrior and help protect these children, help them to be okay, really, no matter what their circumstances were. So I think it was a passion for him, right? So, right back to all the things that the letter P can mean in the world, passion is really one of them and I agree with that. That's what it stands for for me in many respects, and so I think he loved his work I really do and he was rising the ranks very fast. He was becoming a higher level person within that Department of Human Services division in LA. And what would happen is he would come home from work every day and I'd be sitting in the front yard waiting for him, just as a little boy. I was two years old, I don't remember this, that my parents told me these stories and when he'd come home, tears would be streaming down my eyes because of the smog. Because that would have been back in the late 60s, 1970 approximately. The air was pretty bad to LA. There wasn't smog control. It was pretty bad, so I was not doing well. Took me to the doctor and found out that basically the smog was destroying my young lungs and the doctor said you need to take your child somewhere where the air is better or he'll never have a normal life. And so you know, my parents were confronted with a real, a real big decision. My mom was a stay-at-home mom at the time, so my dad basically made the decision that he would leave his job in LA and that we would go to Oregon, which had a lot better air. It really does, it still does, still does, still does. And so we moved to a little tiny town called Sweet Home, Oregon, not too far from Eugene and Corvallis, there up in the hills still a very small place to this day on a lake and he got a job there in social work. That was his first one, for a massive pay cut Now obviously it was less expensive to live in Oregon at the time but still tough to take care of your family even on that government salary. So that lasted for I think it was about a year and a half and then we moved Southeast to a little town called Lakeview, Oregon, where he again was working in DHS.

Marcus: 14:59

There were Native American, there were tribes and reservations there there was also ranching communities. There was primarily what they did, and so he was kind of a lone ranger. He'd go out in the middle of night on calls in the middle of the reservation that nobody else would do without a gun. He'd just go and talk to people and interact with the people. He knew that what he was going to run into wasn't going to be easy or fun. But that's just who my dad was. He wasn't afraid. He'd gone through the hard knocks in life, he could take care of himself and he was an influencer in the sense that he could use words. He could use ration, or reason, if you will, to help people understand things. And I believe that he was really good at being able to go out there, diffuse a situation, get people to step back from it, make a better choice to respond rather than react, and to really take care of those kids and not put those kids in jeopardy. And he got a lot of guff for that from particularly the white community in Lakeview, Oregon. At the time they weren't too happy with him because he did represent the Native Americans. He had to and he wanted to.

Marcus: 16:18

So so from there, um, we moved to Roseburg Oregon. So Roseburg, Oregon is a little town, central Oregon, along the Umpqua River, North Umpqua River, and he was again in DHS and he was moving up through that again. So he was rising in the ranks and because of his reputation, all he had learned who he was. He got the artist cases that anybody could possibly get Little boy that was locked in the closet, not fed, burned with cigarettes on his genitals. I mean on and on and on. These terrible, terrible things, you know, things that you can't un-see... you can't un-see those pictures, right? And so he did that and eventually it took a toll. It just flat, took a toll and I think he just realized he wanted to keep doing it. But he couldn't do it anymore and so what he did was is he started going to night school at the community college there in Roseburg I believe is Umpqua Community College, right on the North Umpqua River in town still exists to this day and he would do night school to learn real estate because he wanted to somehow, some way invest in real estate, work with real estate, build a career, build a business, and that's what he did. So he got through school and he quit his job.

Marcus: 17:31

We sold our house in Roseburg, Oregon, took the money, went north to a little community outside of Portland, Oregon, called Lake Grove, not far outside of Lake Oswego Many people probably know that place, and he started his real estate business. He wasn't working, he was looking at the newspaper every day to buy property, whether it be land or houses, to flip. I remember going with him one day. He took me out. He bought a piece of property and he was going to subdivide it. So he took me out there with a can of spray paint, a hundred foot tape, measuring tape, and we parked his truck, his two-tone blue board 1979 truck that he bought. I was with him that day and we sat there we measured out three lots out of this one lot that he subdivided, did the paperwork, sold the property, made money and he was off and running.

Marcus: 18:17

And so suddenly, what he did, his pivot, his change in life, what he had to do to survive, to be happy, to provide for his family, started to take shape and started to take hold.

Marcus: 18:27

We flipped a couple of houses too, and that was the time in which we got to move from Lake Grove to a place called Tigard, Oregon, not far away, still a suburb of Portland, and we bought a brand new 2,400 square foot home not far from the school, very nice home in the day, $89,000, if you can imagine brand new, glass, solarium, two story, four bedroom, three bath. It was just really something. And so life was getting good. We could get painter pants and Nike tennis shoes and go to the skating rink and go skating, be dropped off and be picked up at 10 o'clock at night with our friends, and we could just start to have a little bit easier life because money was more readily available. He was really I think it was fun. He was really feeling good and really relaxed and really happy and proud of himself and rightly so and proud of his family, because we all chipped in to help and, yeah, it was just really really great to see my father blossom professionally. Quite honestly.

Erin: 19:23

That's really incredible. Was it difficult for you and your sister because you did move around a little bit? How was that for you?

Marcus: 19:32

Well, you know, at the time I didn't really know any different, honestly right. So pretty much about every year and a half two years we rented houses or we would move, and I just really didn't know any different. That was kind of life for me. So I was used to coming out of a school and going into a new one and always I was always a friendly kid and a little bit shy when I was younger, but always liked to have fun and could talk to people, and so I made friends pretty quickly and stuff like that. I'll tell you something the toughest part about going to a new school, for the most part, was that we had what were called tough skins, which was a pants that were made by Sears and Roebuck. They came in various colors green, sort of like this reddish, purple color, blue, black, yellow, and they had these patches on the knees so that you could wear them out. So if you didn't have a lot of money, these were the pants to wear and I didn't like those pants as a child.

Marcus: 20:26

I didn't like wearing them to school but you know we had no choice. That was the best my parents could do. I had pants. I always had good looking pants and ones that wouldn't fall apart for a long time. That was one of my toughest things that I remember because I always typically got along with people.

Marcus: 20:40

And there was one time in Lake Grove fourth grade, fifth grade I was in fifth grade and I remember it was early in the year, school year we were out on the playground and we're going to play kickball and I was a new kid. Nobody knew me. I got picked last. I'd never been picked last in my life. I didn't really know what that felt like.

Marcus: 20:57

That was a difficult thing. I'll tell you that much. You know, at the day, just being a little nine, 10 year old boy going well, why, why don't anybody want me to on their team, you know. But I got over that. That was a school where, actually where I would go down the hall for one period every day and work with developmentally disabled children of all sorts. I get to go down there and work with them and tutor them and and just be with them and I felt there's so much joy. You go in there and they just loved you. They'd hug you. Oh, marcus, it's good to see you, and we sit down and work with one of them or two of them, and that's probably the earliest in my life where I was helping people. That's the first time where that really was a part of my life.

Erin: 21:34

I love that so much. I had no idea about that with you. I actually did the same thing in elementary school and that was really my first experience of helping people and I loved that. I excelled in reading and spelling and all of that, and so that class period was one that I was kind of excused to go down the hall and so I did the exact same thing. So I love that we share that. I had no idea.

Marcus: 22:04

How fun it was. A joy, a joy.

Kellie: 22:07

So, as your life as a boy with your family continued to unfold, where did the journey take you from there?

Marcus: 22:16

Let's see... So, Tigard, Oregon, that was the place we lived the longest. I went to an elementary school for sixth grade and then we had what was called junior high. I went to Fowler Junior High in seventh, eighth and ninth grade, so that was four years in one place. That was someplace that for the first time in my life we'd ever really put down roots. I had a couple of really good best friends, Mike and Gary. That were just important people in my life, you know.

Marcus: 22:41

So, anyways, eighth grade I believe it was eighth grade my father invited his mother, Flo, out to live with us. I think what was really going on there is that was his way of I'm successful. Now we have room for you in the house. Come on out, let's make a go of this, let's see what we can do with our relationship at this stage of life. And there were some undone or unhealed things between them. I didn't see much of it because I think they dealt with it mostly while we were at school or out playing with kids or friends or whatever. But there were some undone things there and I think dealing with those things stirred up a lot of emotions for my father. And we understand you know, Kellie and I maybe even you, Erin, through the work that we do with different health practitioners that a lot of painful emotions can live in the stomach, right In the stomach area, and my father developed Crohn's acute Crohn's while she was out living with us. He eventually told her to leave. That's how I knew it was bad. That's how I knew that.

Marcus: 23:40

What had gone on, what they talked about, what came up? Maybe her answers, how he interpreted them, whatever the case may be. He got sick and he asked her to leave. He said you need to leave and she did. He went into the hospital and I don't remember how long he was in there because I was in sixth, I was in eighth grade, early eighth grade, late seventh grade, but he was in there for quite some time, nearly died five times while he was in the hospital.

Marcus: 24:03

They didn't know what he had. At first he was emaciated, he lost all of his weight, he looked like a shell of himself and that was a big shock because life was rolling along. We were going fishing all the time, golfing, just being buddies. You know, father and son, he was definitely my father and my best friend for sure. And suddenly that all came to a screeching halt, friend for sure. And suddenly that all came to a screeching halt and we did not understand why, even his children, I think they tried to keep certain things from us. Sometimes we weren't even allowed to go see him because he was so bad that day, which was always really hard because no matter how bad he was, we wanted to see him, of course. So that really took a toll.

Marcus: 24:36

And what happened was is, as he went through, that the 1980s was when that was early 1980s and we went into a deep recession. Interest rates 22% crippled just basically shut down the construction real estate market. Nothing was happening in Portland, people were going out of business left and right, and so basically, he lost his health, he lost his business and we lost our livelihood. And so what happened was, as we finished out the ninth grade year my ninth grade year, Kellie eighth grade year my sister loaded up a U-Haul truck and had to leave our friends and family, the place we'd been the longest, the home that we loved, the neighborhood, the school, and we had to drive to Tulare, california, central San Joaquin Valley, move in with my mom's parents, doug and Shirley Gilbert. They had a house where they had a couple extra bedrooms, so we were able to stay there while my father looked for work and we looked for a place to live, and we settled on Clovis, california, just outside of Fresno, california, basically a farming community. Lots of fig trees, orange trees, peach trees, plum trees, grapes. I worked in a peach packing shed because it's a major source of revenue there and work, and that's where we moved. We got a little house, nothing fancy, I remember it had an olive tree in the front yard. It was on the corner in a neighborhood not far from the high school. There was a little pool, a swimming pool in the backyard with a diving board. We each had our own bedroom and everything. We didn't have a lot, but we had a decent place to live and my dad did whatever he could. He sold solar, he sold satellite dishes, he sold cars. My mom went back to work so that we could actually have a life and that's how we scringed and made it.

Marcus: 26:11

I remember a story when I was older. They didn't tell this to us when we were in high school, but they were down to their last 57 or 59 cents in their checking account at one point. Raising two kids, that's all they had. So pretty tough, pretty tough but never gave up, never let on that. That was a problem we never knew as children. We got up every day, we went to high school, we could walk to school. So we did. We had lunches, we had the clothes we needed, we had the opportunities that we needed. We never knew how bad it actually was and he never gave up and we never gave up. It was a good time of life because death wasn't always at the doorstep like it had been. He struggled, but life was better. It was smoother, it was not so much of enough people and we were starting to put down some roots again, which was good.

Kellie: 26:56

When you think about your dad and that time of your life and also looking in the mirror at yourself as a father now, how do you think that that time with your dad kind of reflecting on the relationship that you shared at that time did your relationship change at all from those earlier and younger years when he was healthy versus when he was unhealthy?

Marcus: 27:21

Yes, I think they did. Two reasons. Number one when he lost his health, we weren't able to do the same things. We weren't able to go golfing together anymore. He couldn't do that and he tried to take me fishing, but it was very difficult on him. We did go some, but not as much as we used to. So there were things in there that were just different because we could not do the same things together. So it became more intellectual. It became more conversational, more psychological, where we could talk about deep things.

Marcus: 27:50

My father was a person in my life that I could have immensely deep conversations with. We could explore wonderful things together that meant something, that weren't just surface talk, it was real, that I could learn from and that he could share with me. And I think he even learned some things from me, you know, along the way, especially as I get a little older. And then the other reason I think our relationship changed honestly is because I was becoming a teenager. I was a good kid until my senior year and then I kind of, you know, started acting up a little bit. What I realize now is that there was some anger, some disappointment, some loss, some frustration inside of me that I really didn't know how to deal with it or what to do with it, but it started to surface, and so that changed our relationship too, me just being a teenager and doing teenager things, spending more time with friends, and also having to start to deal with my deep seated feelings and thoughts about what had happened.

Kellie: 28:43

How did his Crohn's disease affect your whole family and your whole family's life, if at all? Because it became not an acute disease that he was first diagnosed with, but it became a chronic condition that he battled, courageously, faced his whole entire life until his passing.

Marcus: 29:05

True, that's what it was. It was chronic and not nearly as acute. He went through different trials because back in those days they didn't really understand Crohn's. They didn't know what to do with it, how to treat it. It was kind of something they just didn't understand. So he tried things like mercaptopurine thalidomide. Thalidomide was a drug that caused flipper babies back in the day, but they stopped letting people take that because of what it was doing deforming children. But for Crohn's it actually turned out to be something that worked. It actually worked.

Marcus: 29:40

But his damage was so, so extensive and he'd been on so many drugs and he didn't get a hold of that until late 90s. So his body had gone through almost 20 years of a lot of destruction and he would never let them do surgery on him because he knew that once they opened him up and started cutting little sections of large intestine, that they were going to keep cutting and keep cutting and keep cutting until he wound up with a colostomy. And he did not. That was not where my father wanted to go with his body. He, he, he didn't want to do that and I respect that. It's not anything I'd want to do either. And so he wouldn't let him cut and so he had lived with a lot of scar tissue.

Marcus: 30:17

All of that being said, it affected all of us. It changed our life. My mother had to go back to work. She was a stay at home mom who was there with breakfast every morning and after school treat and how was your day, and things like that. And she had to go back to work. So that changed her life. My sister she was also impacted because she was enjoying the life we were living in Oregon and suddenly I got taken away and her friends that she had built up there too.

Marcus: 30:39

So for many reasons, all of us were impacted and I think that getting to the point where, financially, they were that unstable was probably not easy for them, because as a parent, that's not any place you want to go if you don't have to, and they only went there because that was the only choice they had. I don't believe he was in contact with his father at that time, who could have helped financially, but they weren't in relation. I don't believe he was in contact with his mother. He had sent her away and they stopped talking for several years. And my grandma Shirley and grandpa Doug they would help, but with things like cans of tuna, fish or socks or practical things. They came out of the depression and they just had a different way of giving, so financially we were on our own. Fortunately we had the veterans hospital so he could get treatment there, because otherwise we could not have afforded it. There was no way hospital so he could get treatment there because otherwise we could not have afforded it.

Erin: 31:29

There was no way, gosh, every conversation we have, I learn so much about you and your family and your upbringing. Thank you for sharing all of that so openly.

Erin: 31:40

This is kind of piggybacking off of what Kellie just asked, but when you reflect on that and not only your upbringing, your relationship with your father and the ebbs and flows of that and the moves and the health struggles and all of that, how do you think that some of those life experiences shaped your own fatherhood? I mean, we're going to fast forward and then rewind again, but I think that that's important to reflect on how all of those things impacted you when you eventually became a father.

Marcus: 32:20

Absolutely. I think one thing right off the top of the bat is I did never want to be in that same position, if at all possible, as a father with my family. I never wanted to be down to my last 59 cents in my checking account. As a younger man, I definitely was down to the bottoms of the barrel of my bank account at one point in my life, which I recovered from and never went back. I wanted to be a business owner like my father eventually, and I became a business owner as well.

Marcus: 32:46

I'd learned how important it is to never give up, no matter what your challenges as a father, lead. Lead with integrity, lead with purpose, lead with intention, lead with love and be willing to do the hard things that aren't easy, that take everything you've got to make it happen and really try to show your family the best life that you can and to always be there for them, whether it is to help them with a bully picking on them like my dad did with me, whether it is to take your son or your daughter fishing or golfing or whatever it is that they may want to do, to show up at their games, to be a coach, if you can, if you want to, to always be willing to talk, to love, no matter what your child does. My dad was a great man. He was not always easy and he was not perfect, but he really showed me a lot of who and what I wanted to be as a father.

Marcus: 33:39

Honestly, what I decided to do with my father in the example he showed me, Erin was to keep all the things that worked, To keep all the things that work alive within me so I could be those things too, because it was obvious that they worked. And those things that didn't work or could work if I did them slightly differently. I wanted to learn from those too, so that I could not bring those things with me or learn how to do those things differently so that it would have a better effect or a better result with my child or my wife or whatever it might be. He offered me a lot. He offered me a treasure chest to choose from, and it was mostly precious gems.

Kellie: 34:44

When you look back at those lessons that you were gifted with from your father, are there some specific moments or memories that stand out to you?

Marcus: 34:57

Yes, one of them that comes to mind very, very quickly is when I was three years old. We were in Lakeview, oregon, on a place called Crane Mountain, and we used to go up there to a little place we called Deer Camp. It was right along this little stream and we'd go fishing. My mom and sister would stay back at camp and get the fire going and roll the potatoes and foil, you know, and get the big cast iron skillet with the cooking oil and the flour and salt and pepper ready. So we came back with trout, we would fry up those trout and have potatoes and whatever else my mom brought right there in camp.

Marcus: 35:27

And we were out fishing one day and I remember there was a stream, it's kind of some ponderosa pine trees, the sun was shining, it was a beautiful day and there was a log that you had to walk across to get to the other side of the stream and I had little rubber boots on and so I'm walking across this log and for whatever reason right, because I was a kid one of my boots fell off the law, off into the river stream. It just floated away Right. And so there I am one boot, one sock and we're. We had just started fishing. So my dad picked me up, carried me to the other side, across the log, found a plastic bag, put it on my foot and I don't remember what he tied it on with, probably rubber band or something, and we kept fishing. So you know, never let little things get in your way. Right, there's a lesson right there Never let little things get in your way, never freak out about those kinds of things, because there's always a solution. If you just think for a minute, I was working six days a week, sometimes 14 hours a day, packing peaches, apricots, pears, plums, things like that, to make money to buy my first car.

Marcus: 36:35

My parents didn't have any money, so I had to make my money. So what happened was that my dad negotiated a deal with my grandpa Doug my mom's dad to trade his prized two-tone Ford pickup that he bought in 1979 all right off the lot in Roseburg, Oregon. I remember driving home with him how proud he was, how much he loved that truck, how much it meant to him that was the first brand new vehicle he ever bought in his life and he made a deal with my grandfather to give that truck to him, for me to give the money I made from the packing shed and for my grandfather to give his Datsun pickup truck which I liked to me. So what happened was my grandfather got a truck to pull his fifth wheel.

Marcus: 37:12

I got a truck to drive and the stipulation was my grandfather had to put the tires, rims and stereo in it that I wanted, which he did, and my father, my mother, got money to live to support the family. So he gave up his price possession for his son and he took care of his family. And if you don't understand what that is, you don't understand anything. And I understood what that was, and so he taught me that you need to sacrifice sometimes. Sometimes leaders eat last right, and he sacrificed and he made that happen and everybody won. He created a situation where everybody won and I admire that won.

Kellie: 37:57

Those are priceless memories and knowing you as well as I do today, after 15 years of growing our own life and our own family, I see so many of those qualities and characteristics carrying forward through the intentional legacy that you're living every single day and I admire and respect that so much. I often call you a warrior and I know that you feel that heartbeat of a warrior inside of you. We've had so many conversations about that. I'd love to hear from you, from your perspective because you refer to your dad as a warrior as well how that theme of being a warrior has carried through your life, but, even more importantly than that, what that definition really is to you. What does it mean to you to reflect on your dad as a warrior and as yourself as a warrior?

Marcus: 38:51

Well, to me, a warrior doesn't always represent somebody that goes to war right. Yes, A warrior can be a very soft, gentle, kind, loving, tender, gracious human being. You have to know when to be powerful and strong and hard and also when to be the exact opposite. That's one of the things I believe makes a great warrior. And there are different kinds of warriors. There's physical warriors, there's intellectual warriors, there's spiritual warriors. And as we age, your physicality goes away. So if you were once a physical warrior, you become more of an intellectual warrior. That's what you can do with your mind. And as you season and age, like I'm going through right now, I'm becoming more of a spiritual warrior with what you learned on that side of life. So a warrior can be many, many things, but most of all a warrior is a leader. A warrior is a lover. A warrior is a protector.

Marcus: 39:48

A warrior is somebody who sets the tone for certain things and how they need to go so that they work out well. A warrior looks out for others, not just themselves. They try to give and help wherever they possibly can. Their servant leaders is what they really really are in my opinion, and he was all of those things, what they really really are in my opinion. And he was all of those things and I got to live with that, I got to see that, I got to learn from that, I got to understand that and frankly, I'll be honest with you, I think my father helped me to become a better warrior than I would have been if I had not had him. If I had to go it alone like he did, I think I'd have had many more struggles than I did, because he really helped pave the way. He was my father, my friend and my example.

Erin: 40:32

That's really beautiful. It's so interesting to stop and think about how there are some characteristics, traits, things that we see in our parents or grandparents that sometimes cause us to go the opposite direction. Right, we know what we don't want to be like, we know what we don't want to do, and it sounds like maybe your dad did so much of what he did because he grew up in a different environment, and so he was this fierce advocate for children, working in social work and doing all of the things that he did and was so present in your life because his dad was not, and so there's probably a lot of the things that he did and he became who he was because he wanted to provide you with a different experience than what he had growing up.

Erin: 41:28

And then there's things that we see and experience same thing traits, characteristics, behaviors, attitudes, whatever it is that we want to emulate, that we want to adopt that in our own life for our own kids, for our own grandchildren, and so it's such a beautiful thing, then, that it just shapes who we are and how we live our lives and how we interact with the people that we love.

Marcus: 41:58

Obviously, he wanted me to have a better experience than he had with his father. Right, he wanted to be present. He didn't want me to just pick up candy, or, you know, at the candy store, he wanted me to come home and see him and he wanted, you know, let's go fishing and let's go golfing, and, you know, let's just do different things, whether it just be even walk the dog together and talk, you know. So he I there is no doubt in my mind that he was very intentional, right, about what kind of father he wanted to be. I think he wanted to be the best father he could be and I believe that he was. I believe that he was, because we all have areas where we can learn, grow and do better, but none of us are given a handbook and we have to learn this the first time as we're going through, and I respect and admire the job that he did.

Marcus: 42:40

I do when I look back. It's interesting when I look back on my experience with my father. Can I remember some things that were unpleasant? Yes, my experience with my father. Can I remember some things that were unpleasant? Yes, I can Do. I think about them. No, I don't. You know what I remember. How great he was.

Marcus: 42:59

How much I love him still, how much it meant to sit at the edge of Eagle Creek outside of Portland, Oregon on a cold, misty, damp November, October, looking at a hundred steelhead in this pool, with this old growth force, sipping on Lipton tea and eating lunch with my dad. That is what I remember. I really just remembered the love, the joy, the happy times and really what it is that made our relationship so wonderful to share.

Erin: 43:27

I was just going to say, too, that you know, going back to what you were saying before and I loved everything that you described about being a warrior and what that means that was a really beautiful picture that you painted. And going back to what I said, too, right, like, sometimes we're warriors because we have to be and sometimes we want to be, that can be different, right, and, like I said, sometimes it's in spite of everything we're choosing this and sometimes we get to choose it, like I said, because you want to copycat that. Right, I see all of those same characteristics in you as a father and a grandfather and a brother and just all of the things. You're just an incredible man and leader and you are a warrior. It is remarkable how that is a choice.

Marcus: 44:18

It is.

Erin: 44:18

We get to choose how we show up for the people in our lives.

Marcus: 44:24

Absolutely, and I think it's very important that we do choose that you know that we're intentional about it. I think that being intentional is so important as a human being not to have everything planned out all the time, but to be intentional with what you do and why you do it, and not just do it because you don't know what you're doing, or just have some intentionality about you because it really helps, it really works, it really makes a difference. I believe.

Kellie: 44:52

What this makes me think of is a million times over, I would much rather have the legacy of love and memories and respect and admiration and appreciation that those that I have loved have left me with than any inherited legacy, which is often what people think about when they think about leaving a legacy, and we're really working to very consciously change that narrative through these conversations and through this podcast, and Erin and I both feel that and understand that. Marcus, you and I have had many conversations about that over the years, having lost both of our parents when we were young, and they were young when all of us could have had so much more life together. But to this day, they show up for us in remarkable, beautiful, dynamic ways that sometimes it's just really hard to put into words.

Kellie: 45:56

We have quiet conversations, we spend time considering their advice or what their opinion might be or how they might guide or mentor, especially in moments of difficulty and challenge, whether that be with a child or a friend or a family member, a coworker or a neighbor, whatever it might be, and so I really loved how you described that. I also love how I have seen you carry that forward into your work as a coach and you're in your 22nd year of coaching and in episodes two and three we talked quite a bit about your journey to coaching, so definitely listeners can go back and listen to that again. And in future episodes you're going to do some coaching with Erin and I, which is going to be a lot of fun too. But considering all of the conversation that we've had so far the legacy of your father that beats through your being on a daily basis I would love to hear how that shows up for you in your work professionally with clients and maybe some of those lessons that you have carried forward into your profession.

Marcus: 47:18

Well, I'm a warrior for my clients, straight up. I am. I am a safe place for them, I am a defender of them, I'm an encourager of them. I work diligently to create the best situations, outcomes that I can for them, to instill within them a sense of empowerment, a sense of courage, a sense of pride in themselves, a sense of joy and happiness and even just a sense of ease sometimes, because sometimes people just need to ease up a little bit on themselves. Grace, you know, have a little grace for yourself, have a little grace for life, have a little grace for others. So I'd say that, my dad being a social worker and me being a coach they're different.

Marcus: 47:56

I deal with some very tricky things and some very, very difficult things with people in life and business, but I think it's very similar. You have to have a certain passion to help people, to want to create winning outcomes for everybody and to want to see people smile and be happy and to experience life as it being great, not just something you go through, but life is great, and I really believe that helping people to experience that is what I've been about my whole entire life. My father gave me some things, instilled some things in me. I learned some things from him that helped me to do that to this very day, and I'm grateful for that. I really am. And it's not just the easy things, it's the difficult things. You know because I saw what my father went through, I know what our family went through, and so when I talk to other people, I understand hardship, I understand loss and I understand overcoming those things.

Erin: 48:52

Marcus, are you comfortable walking us through the loss of your dad, sure?

Marcus: 49:01

Maybe it's a good story to inspire their people, to let them know what's possible, because there was a time when we didn't believe that a four minute mile could be ran. Well, somebody ran it and suddenly people started running four minute miles all the time, right, and so we don't know what's possible until somebody leads the way.

Marcus: 49:18

And I am a warrior, I am a leader, I live by example. And so, yes, I am happy to share this story because it's a powerful story and I never mind revisiting, because what it evokes in me is just this tremendous feeling of love and this tremendous feeling of gratitude, not so much loss. Do I miss my dad? Yes, I do. I walk in my office I've got a picture of him with my daughter on my dresser and I look at him once in a while and say, man, I really wish I could talk to you right now. I really wish I could give you a hug, but I can't. So I do miss him, but I'm okay with him being gone. He wasn't going to be here forever anyways, and there was no guarantee how long I would have him in my life.

Marcus: 50:24

And I got divorced late in life. We were all adult kids. I don't remember the exact year, to be honest with you, but it seems like it was around 2008, 2009,. They got divorced. My mother moved out. She was here in town for a brief stay and then she moved to Fort Collins and once she got to Fort Collins, there was no relationship really with my father and my sister and no relationship at all with my father and my mother. I think he missed her, I think he missed his daughter too, and so I became my father's caregiver the last years of his life. He took care of himself. He lived alone, but I went out there a lot and we had lunch together, we talked, we spent time.

Marcus: 51:02

So, anyways, he was getting to a point where his body was really failing. The years of everything that he had been on all the ibuprofen, all the experimental drugs, all the painkillers everything had taken a toll and his body was basically just breaking down. And he was never a person who wanted to go into a nursing home. He did not want to live in a wheelchair, he didn't want to have a walker, he didn't want a colostomy bag, he didn't want any of those things. He felt that if that happened, his quality of life would be so low that what's the point and we talked about this many times over the course of my life these were not foreign conversations with me or foreign ideas he always had, let me know, and in fact I feel very much the same way, honestly. So, anyways, he got to a point where he just decided that it was time. There was nothing he could do to go somewhere and get a shot. Like you, take your pet to the vet and they can gently and peacefully and wonderfully put your pet to sleep. That didn't exist at the time, so he didn't have that option.

Marcus: 52:00

But one day I was going out there with some coffee like Starbucks I think it was four or six pumps of vanilla Sweet as all get out right, a latte and so I stopped and picked up one of my lattes for me not quite so sweet and his and I went out to the house and the front door was always open so I could just walk right in so I had access to help him in case he was had fallen or whatever the case was. I walk in and there he sat in his recliner, where he was oftentimes, and just kind of with his head over to the left-hand side, looked like he was sleeping because I'd come over sometimes and he would just be asleep. He didn't sleep well at night, so sometimes he'd sleep during the day often. So I walk in and I put the two cups of coffee down on the table and when I turn around what I saw was a giant hole in the left side of his head and when I looked again, there was a pistol 22 pistol in his lap. But he was alive. He was not dead, he was breathing. So I don't know how long it had been since he had done it.

Marcus: 52:56

But what I did was is I just gathered myself up with strength which I got from him. Give me just a minute, yeah, I stayed calm, I stayed rational, I stayed cool. I took the gun out of his lap. I grabbed a Kleenex so that I wouldn't put my fingerprints on it. I just seemed to know how to do that. I put it on the table, away from me. I got on my phone. I called 911. I kneeled in front of him. They instructed me. I had been a rap guide, so I knew CPR and I knew first aid. So I grabbed his head and I maintained his airway. So I literally had one hand on both sides of his head staring at him in the face, keeping his head upright, with his head resting back against the chair to maintain his airway as I talked to 911.

Marcus: 53:45

And they sent paramedics, the sheriff's office, fire trucks, everybody out there and I just was with him, just with him. I cannot tell you what I said to him. I don't remember, but I was just with him and one of the hardest things of the day, believe it or not, I mean, seeing your dad with a hole in the side of his head is pretty hard. But one of the hardest things was when they came in and they had to pull me away from him so that they could do what they were supposed to do, which was get him out of the chair, lay him down on the gurney and get him to the hospital. That was really hard, and so they pulled me away and the sheriff's department started talking to me while they got him dressed up and everything on the gurney and got him ready to go out. They took him to the hospital and I could hear him in pain being on the gurney His back was bad, so he had pain, and I could hear him moaning and groaning from the pain of how they were moving him, which was hard too and they sat there and talked to me for quite some time trying to figure out what actually happened. It was obvious to them that my father was trying to commit suicide and I found him and did what I did, and so everything was fine.

Marcus: 54:53

About an hour and a half, two hours later, I got to go to the hospital. When I got there and got to his room, because they had laid him down, his head had swollen. So he had a big wrap around his head gauze wrap and his head had swollen because the fluid had gone to his head a bit and they'd intubated him, which he did not want to be intubated. So it was hard to see him that way. First thing I did was is I talked to the doctors about what the situation was and I had a pretty good idea he was not going to make it. They confirmed that that basically all that was alive was his Reign. So I instructed them to take out the intubation and they did and I stayed with my dad.

Marcus: 55:30

He went through the death rose, which is where, when you are dying, when your Reign is giving up, there's changes in how you breathe, there's convulsions with the body, there's different things that go on in this moment. It's not easy to watch and it didn't last long, it wasn't too terrible. I took him off life support, which is what he wanted, and I literally held his left hand in my right hand and I had my left hand on his heart and I felt his last heartbeat and he was gone. My dad and my best friend was gone. Again, it's just so much love. You know, I just love that man. So anyways, they let me stay with him for a little while and I went home as exhausted as you might imagine, got a shower, got some food, went to sleep.

Marcus: 56:21

Next day was a day where I had to go down to the sheriff's department. I had to do certain things, so I didn't work that day. The next day after that, second day after I worked, I just really felt like I was okay, I was strong enough and good enough and I just needed to get back to work with my people. And so I did. And I went that morning to a place called Trader's Coffee, right across from St Mary's. I mean, I literally could see the building where he was the day a couple of days before the window of his room.

Marcus: 56:46

I got my cup of coffee, went outside, got in my truck it was a Ford Ranger turned on the radio and one of his favorite songs came on and in that moment, literally, I stopped grieving, I stopped feeling loss and what I started feeling was gratitude and joy and love and I started smiling. I was happy, I felt really good and I never looked back. I never looked back. I just chose to focus on the gratitude I have, the love, the memories, the good times that we had, and that's what I've chosen to live my life with ever since. So I reflect on him, I talk to him once in a while. I remember him Even before this show. I was resting, just kind of laying down and closing my eyes, resting for a minute, and I said to him hey, why don't you come on in and sit with me while I do the show?

Erin: 57:36

I love that.

Marcus: 57:37

He may be with us right now.

Kellie: 57:39

I have no doubt, every time you share that story and I've probably heard it more times than most people ever have in our quiet moments, what I feel is this incredible amount of bravery, courageousness, resilience, but also a very deep commitment to the value of life and what that really means. Value of life and what that really means and, again, I think that continues to show up through the living of your life every day, which mostly includes your family and your clients. So I have no doubt that your pop is with us now, but also that he continues to show up and provide you with extraordinary strength in both of those areas of your life where you lead very passionately and very intentionally the words that we were just talking about earlier, and very gratefully. So thank you for your vulnerability and your transparency and your honesty with not just what that experience was like for you in the moment, but how you've carried that forward into everything else that you touch.

Marcus: 58:59

My pleasure. Thanks for asking me to share it. It's an important experience in my life. I think it helped to shape me. Honestly, I think that nobody wants to go through that. Is that fair? I mean, nobody really wants to do that, okay, but I did, and I'm glad I was the only one there. Nobody else needed to be there, nobody else needed to see that, nobody else needed to make those decisions. But I'll tell you something it's in those moments where you find out what you're made of, and I knew, coming out of that two days later and ever since these years, I know what I am made of. And a good example of that would be and how he shows up still to this day.

Marcus: 59:35

Our daughter, Savannah, was in a head-on collision in 2018. And as she was sitting in the car before the paramedics and the fire department got there to cut her out of that car, which she had no business living through, she saw an eagle. That's my dad. He shows up a lot, but she saw him and she knew what it was. First she said I thought it was you dad. Wow, that's pretty cool, right? But it was my dad, and so she was over on the front range of Colorado. We were over here in Western Colorado. It's probably about five-hour drive straight through.

Marcus: 1:00:11

We got the call. I stayed calm. You helped me get packed. I drove across the mountain. I didn't speed. I stayed calm because I needed to get there. I needed to help my daughter and I walked into the hospital room for the very first time. She had a four fracture, so she had nine fractures in her face, broken left femur, pretty rough shape. And I show up the hospital room and I'm standing at the foot of the bed. She was asleep. My mom and my sister are on one side of the bed. Jenny, savannah's mother, and my brother-in-law, tony, was on the other side of the bed and I looked at them. I looked at my daughter. I stood up tall and I knew that this was going to be a long, difficult journey. But I said to myself you're the man for the job and...

Marcus: 1:00:57

I got to work. My job was to get my daughter back, to give her every semblance of a normal life I could, and I knew I was the man for the job. That's my dad in me.

Kellie: 1:01:14

Your dad was lucky to have you for a son and you to have him as a dad. Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her father, a warrior for her safety, her security, her protection, her future.

Kellie: 1:01:27

And over the last 15 years we've blended our family and I've seen you carry all of those beautiful qualities into our relationship as husband and wife now for eight years, but together for 15 and into your relationships with Reis and Lily. And I think that one of the most beautiful things about our blended family very similar to the blended family that Erin and I were so fortunate to become a part of is we really all became an instant family. That doesn't mean it's easy and doesn't come without its challenges and difficulties and complexities. Doesn't mean it's easy and doesn't come without its challenges and difficulties and complexities. But you picked up that torch, not just for me and with me, but with enthusiasm and excitement and an openness, and we've all learned and grown together and I'd love to hear from you what kind of stepping into that role and what our family has become and how being not just a father but a second father and also how that's showing up with our granddaughter now with Reign.

Marcus: 1:02:39

Well, I never wanted to be Reis and Lily's dad, because they have a dad. I didn't want to replace their father. I just wanted to be the best person I could be in their life. I wanted to be somebody they could talk to, somebody they could trust, somebody that they knew loved their father. I just wanted to be the best person I could be in their life. I wanted to be somebody they could talk to, somebody they could trust, somebody that they knew loved their mother. I wanted them to know and to witness a healthy relationship between the two of us, just like I wanted Savannah to witness a healthy relationship, because what you show your kids matters, what you show them matters, and I'd come out of a relationship that wasn't successful and you did too and so I really wanted to make sure again, I was intentional. I just didn't walk into this bubble-headed and just whatever. I really wanted to have an impact and be the best person I could be for all three of our children and the best husband I could be for you Something I learned from my father.

Marcus: 1:03:28

Obviously, right, I mean, it's not easy blending a family. Necessarily. There are many challenges that come with that. You guys had a lot easier job than we did. But there are some challenges, but I wasn't going to give up, I wasn't going to fail, I wasn't going to just throw in the towel and I was not going to do anything other than the best that I had within me, which I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I've apologized where I need to, because I own my actions, but I've loved, I've been to, I think, almost every single extracurricular activity that all three of the kids were involved in since I met them.

Marcus: 1:04:01

I remember the very first time I saw Reis I think it was a wrestling match. Very first time event I ever went to at Reis was a wrestling match. All of Savannah's games you were with me, right, whether it was lacrosse or gymnastics or soccer or whatever. It was right. And Lily, everything that she did. I remember the band concerts were the funnest thing with the kids because in middle school they're not very good but they're your kids and you love them and it's amazing, right?

Marcus: 1:04:25

And to see them grow and get better over time so much fun, so much fun. And to see them grow and get better over time so much fun, so much fun. Even going to Reis skateboard competitions at the park and different things. We just it was important to be there for them, it was important to show up, it was important to be a presence, it was important to have dinner, to talk, to teach them about cooking, to teach them about how to take care of themselves and how to grow up in this world the best you possibly could, to support them where you could, love them where you could, because there were times they just needed love, they just needed somebody to be there, somebody that cares, somebody to listen.

Marcus: 1:04:53

And I think I did the best job. I knew how to do and you were a great partner, Kellie, to do this with and still doing it now with baby Reign and our kids. And I just learned so much from raising our three kids that I now feel that I am in the best position I have ever been in my life to nurture a little life, to do what I can from my position as grandfather not parent, just grandfather to really help her feel loved and valued and heard and be important, and to really understand that life is a wonderful thing and it's also a challenging thing, but together we can get through it, and that family matters. You meet people who don't have family. They're in rough shape, they're in rough shape. So I was always raised that family is number one and I believe that with every single fiber of my being to this very day, and that is not open for compromise with me.

Kellie: 1:05:50

One of the things that we talk about a lot and we share with people. I know we've shared with friends and family members, and you've shared with your clients, that the level of patience and presence we have as grandparents is really beautiful. And it's not just beautiful for Reign. It is beautiful for us because it absolutely changes the dynamic of the experience when you put down your phone, the television isn't on, there's no computers and it's time for play, it's time for learning, it's time for eating or sticking marshmallows on somebody's little tiny face, and literally that patience and that presence has allowed us to experience moments that I don't necessarily recall having as a parent. Those moments that and I was a good mom, it's not that you're not a good parent, but you're so young and you're figuring it out as you go.

Kellie: 1:07:00

And this is the real sweet opportunity time to be a meaningful and impactful part of a child's life meaningful and impactful part of a child's life.

Kellie: 1:07:12

And it's been especially poignant for me because, as we have navigated this new role over the last 20 months, tomorrow I have found myself reflecting on my own relationship with my grandparents and thinking back to the role that they played in my life, in our lives Erin, especially our grandma and grandpa Gobbo, who lived right here and played a very, very instrumental part in raising the two of us during the time between a divorce and our blended family, when we didn't really have that kind of love and connection from a nuclear family or an individual parent. And I thought, gosh, you know, Grandma Millie was 54 when I was born, or 53 turning 54, and I was 53 turning 54 when Reign was born. And what really came to me was just this now, very empathetic awareness and understanding of how much she actually loved me when I came into this world and why we spent so much time together across my lifetime until she died at 101.

Kellie: 1:08:27

And the level of gratitude and appreciation that I have for that grandparent relationship has just skyrocketed. It's been a beautiful perspective to gain.

Marcus: 1:08:39

It's one of the sweeter ones, I think. When we were kids, we'd go visit my grandparents in California for the summer, for about a month, and my grandpa would take us to have lunch with my grandma Shirley. She worked in Visalia. She was a mental health worker helping people with mental health issues, and she would walk us through every office. These are my grandkids. This is Marcus and Kellie. They've come to visit me for the summer and we'd be like, can we just go to McDonald's, right? Because that's where we went for lunch and it was kind of a little bit embarrassing, you know, or whatever. But she showed us off like nobody's business and I understand why today. Yeah, I understand why today. And I look back on that and I just think how wonderful, right, how wonderful that she did that. She loved us immensely, just like Millie loved you guys immensely, right. And she loved us immensely, just like Millie loved you guys immensely right. And it just feels so good and it's such a one.

Marcus: 1:09:32

To be with your grandchild I think is nurturing, I think it actually feeds you If you're willing to be patient, soft, be present, listen, learn, just be with them. You know just no distractions. What you get out of it is so amazing. It's not, it's incredible. And obviously what they get out of it is incredible. You basically are witnessing the becoming of a being. You're watching their Reign work.

Marcus: 1:10:01

Reign put on the sunglasses for the first time. She hasn't wanted to wear the sunglasses. Kellie got her because they felt weird on her face. But this weekend, last weekend, she put them on and she started looking around. Wow, this is cool. You could just see her mind working. She didn't want to take them off. After that she was like all into them. You show her one thing one time and she's got it that quick. How much she learns, how fast she learns. It is phenomenal to be a part of the becoming of a human being. That happens to be your granddaughter.

Marcus: 1:10:30

I am so grateful, I feel so privileged and you know, one of the greatest things I think that I've learned is how fast children grow up. When you're a parent, I don't think you truly realize how fast it's going to go from birth to graduation. I don't think I know. I did not, no way. And the older you got, the faster it went. And now we know just how quickly that little baby is going to become a little girl, which she's very close to doing already. Then she's going to become this little elementary school kid doing all this stuff and then a middle schooler playing sports and wanting to date and this and that and the other. Oh my gosh, I think we understand. I know. I certainly understand better than ever how fast they grow up, and so every moment, and we only get to see her maybe once or twice a week. How fast this goes and how precious this time is. I soak it up every single time.

Erin: 1:11:20

I love that. It's really fun for me on the outside looking in watching the two of you take on this role, and it's just it's beautiful, it's so beautiful.

Marcus: 1:11:33

It is.

Erin: 1:11:34

Yeah, it's really fun and it's. You know, you said something earlier when you were talking about your relationship with your dad and just the conversations that you used to have and you made a reference to. You know, maybe he even learned a couple things from me, right, which I guarantee you he did. And now you're on the other side of that too, where, even at 20 months old, I know that she is teaching the two of you so much about life, love, loss, legacy, all the things that we talk about, right, but she is. I just can really only imagine, you know, seeing the world through her eyes, right, getting a little glimpse of just. You know her fascination with flowers and the hose water and, you know, like all of these things Bubbles, sunglasses, golf balls Just simple, but yeah, it's really fun. And so, yes, you know, we all learned so much from our parents and grandparents, but to now be a parent and a grandparent and to realize that we actually also learn so much from our kids and from our grandchildren and that those moments matter, that moments matter.

Kellie: 1:13:34

I do want to pivot just a little bit, because we have spent this conversation really celebrating the gifts of family, but there are some people who do not have family and you even mentioned that earlier, Marcus. All of us have broken family relationships or have come from broken family relationships. We have friends who have broken family relationships. We know people who really are kind of alone in the world, and I know that this is something you've probably seen repeatedly throughout your coaching career, working with individuals. I'd love to have you, from your perspective, both as a man, a father and a coach, share any insights or words of wisdom or encouragement to people who listen to all of this and say, yeah, that's really great for you guys, but I don't have that. I just don't know how to navigate that.

Marcus: 1:14:26

Yes, I have run into that both personally and professionally. You know that exists in our reality with certain people that are used to be very important to us and now no longer are in our lives. So we've had to navigate our own way right, and I do work with people that, for whatever reason the reasons are many, really certain people aren't in their life anymore, and it's just so important to help people understand, at least through my lens of perception, that if somebody leaves your life, it doesn't necessarily mean it was because of you. We all make choices, and just because somebody makes the choice to behave a certain way or put themselves in a position where they leave or you have to not let them in anymore. Frankly, it has to be done at different times not let them in anymore. Frankly, it has to be done at different times and it's not easy, I will tell you. It's not like the great stuff in life, but it is life and we have to deal with it.

Marcus: 1:15:16

And the thing that I can share with you is that it's important that we really do some inside work with that, especially if we can't resolve the situation with the person, whether the person died, whether the person left, whether we could no longer allow that toxicity to be around and we had to not let them in anymore. So you can't really talk to the person, you can't really try to work it out and come to closure with the other person, which I think is what most people struggle with, honestly. So we have to come to closure with ourselves. What else is left to us? We have to find a way to work through this to a good position, and I think it's really important to take stock of who you are as a human being and to really believe in yourself, to value yourself, to care for yourself, to remind yourself that you're here, that your life continues and that you can't let those things stop you from living the very best life you can for yourself and for others. It's a choice we have to make.

Kellie: 1:16:12

I know too for me learning how to embrace forgiveness without ever receiving an apology, and I know there are probably times in my life other people have looked at me and had to do that with me and I just wasn't even aware of the situation. I always try to take responsibility for my own actions. One of the great things we learned from our parents growing up but sometimes you're not even aware of maybe something that you've done, but if there is something really blatant that has happened and if that person or that relationship really meant a lot to you that was one of the great things that you helped me with and I want to thank you for that was learning how to number one not take it personally that it wasn't actually me, that was a long journey, a lifetime journey actually but also that forgiveness was going to help me heal. Forgiveness was going to pave a way to peace, and I think that that is a different road for everybody who has to ultimately wind up going down it.

Marcus: 1:17:22

That I agree with. We're all so unique, our situations are so unique. The dynamics that led to what we need to forgive are different. But in the end, what you're doing is really you're just taking in. You're changing that energy right From something that's eating away at you that's toxic energy inside of you whether it's thoughts or feelings, cellular memory, you name it and changing that into something that's no longer a caustic force inside of you and in your life, but rather something that you have transmuted into.

Marcus: 1:17:53

It's sort of like when you take and you, if you've ever had a corroded cable on your battery of your car, it's corroded with acid, right, and what you do is is you take and you mix baking soda and water with a toothbrush and just a little mixing cup and you go out there and you pour it on top of your cables and you use that toothbrush to scrub, put a little baking soda on there and it neutralizes the acid so that it won't destroy your cables or your battery. That's really what you're doing when you forgive. You are basically neutralizing the toxicity of the situation that is within you so that you no longer are eating away at yourself with what somebody else chose to do that you are saying are eating away at yourself with what somebody else chose to do, that you are saying no, I deserve peace from this, I deserve release from this. I deserve a different energy flowing within me, and I must choose to do that because chances are the person that you're forgiving isn't really thinking about it that much.

Kellie: 1:18:44

Well, Amen to all of that. A nd what that ultimately ends up being is something I have heard you repeat over and, over and over again, which is be empowered in the face of your reality.

Marcus: 1:18:59

That's correct. As long as you remember that you get to choose, you are always empowered. If you remember that you have choice and you exercise choice, you're always empowered. The moment you forget that you have the power to choose and you choose not to choose, you are disempowering yourself. We may not always like the choices we have to make. At times we wish I wish I didn't have to make this choice, but you know what that's, what life is. Life is choice and we need to make the best choices we can for ourselves. It's important to be intentional about it and to remember that you hold the power or the key to your empowerment, and that is through the process of choosing.

Kellie: 1:19:38

If you could choose your legacy as a father, a man, a coach, a grandfather what would that look like for you?

Marcus: 1:19:46

I just want to live in the hearts and minds of my family, in the beat of their heart, the thoughts in their mind, the feelings, the love, the memories. I want to be there. It's an interesting thing. Most of my clients have reported to me that even when we've stopped working together for years, it's as if I ride around on their shoulder and remind them what they call Marxisms when they need them. So they get into a situation and something we talked about, some message, some little key quote or some little key idea comes to them in their moment of need. That's the legacy I'm looking for. I would like to be thought of as a man who was a good man not perfect good who cared, who loved, who tried his hardest, who was there every day, never gave up and would do just about anything he could to help you if you needed help, but in the end he loved you. That's the legacy I'm looking for. It's the one I build every day.

Erin: 1:20:39

Well, I think that you're exactly right. I think that you are living that every day and we talk here often about and Kellie even mentioned it in the beginning of the podcast today that legacy is not just what you leave behind, but it's how you live. That is your legacy, your living legacy, and you're doing an extraordinary job, but not just in your job. You're an extraordinary human being and you have a profound impact on anybody who is blessed enough to cross your path.

Marcus: 1:21:14

Thank you, Erin. I appreciate that. Would it be okay if I shared a story of one of the greatest gifts my dad ever gave me?

Marcus: 1:21:20

Yeah, yes, please One of the things he passed on that, I believe, changed my life. I know it did and I try to do the same thing with everybody I work with and everybody who's in my family. I know it did and I try to do the same thing with everybody I work with and everybody who's in my family. I do the same thing in a slightly different way. So he was in the VA hospital shortly before he passed away pretty much wheelchair for the most part and there was a time when he said we're just sitting there talking Outside. There was some residential buildings outside the hospital where he was staying and so we're just sitting there. I'd take him food every day and spend time with him, because it was terrible. He was in there. You know what I mean. He didn't want to be there and I didn't want to be there, so we're just talking.

Marcus: 1:21:57

And that was one of those moments when he just looked at me, put his hand I don't remember what, but he put his hand on my forearm and he got close and he looked at me and he said son, I have challenged you every single way. I knew how, because I knew that life was tough. I knew that it was hard. I knew you were going to have to go through challenges, but I challenged you every way. I knew how, and you have surpassed everything that I threw at you in ways I never thought you even could. And the only one that's going to stop you is you, and the only one that's going to fool you is you. So what he did was is he gave me a vote of confidence. He told me I believe in you, you've made it and you have everything you need now.

Marcus: 1:22:43

I think he felt like his job was done with me, his job as a father, and so think about that. I don't have to wonder if my dad loved me. I don't have to wonder if he was proud of me. I don't have to wonder if I measured up. He told me all those things and more, so I get to carry that. It helps me to be who I am. It helps me to stand in who I am, in my strength as a human being, my clarity about who I am and why I'm here, and I try to give that gift to everybody else around me, in little ways, sometimes bigger ways, whether they're a child, a family member or a client. I want people to believe in themselves. I want them to know they're okay, that you've got what it takes, and I believe in you.

Kellie: 1:23:24

That's a gift you can't wrap up and put in a box with a bow. And that's priceless, that's absolutely priceless.

Marcus: 1:23:32

It is.

Marcus: 1:23:33

Heck of a gift. I feel very fortunate, very fortunate.

Kellie: 1:23:42

So, as we kind of wrap things up today, Marcus... man, we've covered a lot of territory and there's so many more places we could go. But, reflecting on fatherhood, what gift would you like to give today to all the fathers and grandfathers or soon to be fathers of all types, all shapes, sizes, types? What would you share from your heart to theirs?

Marcus: 1:24:04

Being a father is infinitely important. Not being a perfect father, being the best father you can be. And, if you haven't been that good of a father, you can change right now.

Marcus: 1:24:13

Remember, you get to choose. You get to choose and what you choose is going to impact you and that child and future generations down the line. So what you choose really matters. It's important to be intentional as a father, to be the best you can be, to own your mistakes, to learn from your a father, to be the best you can be, to own your mistakes, to learn from your missteps, to get wiser, to get smarter, to get better, to be there to listen, to communicate, to learn to teach, to mentor and help the people around you find their way through life the best way that they can so they can experience the very greatest life that they possibly can. Be a guiding light, show them the way and along the way, you're going to get better too and you're going to learn a lot and you're going to be at the end of your life, I believe you will be able to say I'm proud of the father I was and the man I became, and I think that's worth it.

Erin: 1:25:00

Wow, thank you. That is a powerful message and one that I am certain will resonate deeply. And what a gift from you. Thank you for that.

Marcus: 1:25:13

Thanks for asking and thank you for today.

Kellie: 1:25:22

Thank you for your time, your presence, your authenticity and your love.

Erin: 1:25:28

Marcus, do you have a P-I-G that you would like to share with us today? I know you've been featured on a previous episode and shared your P-I-G based on that conversation at that time, but we would love to hear from you if your P-I-G is the same or different, or if there's just anything on your heart that you'd like to share in regards to that today?

Marcus: 1:25:45

Well, I certainly love your guys' P-I-G. I mean, that's a tough one to beat you guys. I think you kind of really got some good stuff going there. If you ask me, what came to me when you asked that question is passion, integrity and grace. Ah, beautiful, because if you don't have passion in life it's a rough deal. You know you're lost. If you don't have integrity, you're not genuine, you will not be the best, you're lost. If you don't have integrity, you're not genuine, you will not be the best person you can be. And if you don't have grace, both for yourself and other people, then you're just merciless and that's not the way to be. That's not the way to be. So I believe in passion, integrity and grace.

Erin: 1:26:22

I love it.

Kellie: 1:26:23

Thank you, and from us to you, happy Father's Day and happy Papa's Day.

Marcus: 1:26:29

Thank you, ladies.

Kellie: 1:26:30

I love you.

Marcus: 1:26:31

I love you both too. It's been a joy, Thank you.

The Sisters: 1:26:55

Hearing the stories of others helps us create a more meaningful connection to our own. We hope today's conversation offered you insight, encouragement or even just a moment to pause and reflect on the story you're living and the legacy you're creating. If something in this episode moved you, please consider sharing it with someone you love. A small share can make a big impact. You can also join us on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn and connect further at thepigpodcastcom and if you're enjoying this podcast, one of the most meaningful ways you can support us is by leaving a five-star rating, writing a short review or simply letting us know your thoughts. Your feedback helps us reach others and reminds us why we do this work, because The P-I-G isn't just a podcast. It's a place to remember that, even in the midst of grief, life goes on. Resilience matters and love never leaves. Thanks for being on this journey with us. Until next time. Hogs and kisses everyone.