You've Done The Healing - So Why Do You Still Feel Lost?

You’ve done the work. You’ve healed. So why do you still feel disconnected from who you are?

In this episode of Sappy Hour, JB Copeland breaks down the invisible block that keeps high-functioning people from truly becoming themselves.

We’re unpacking:

• Why people pleasing feels safer than honesty
• The subtle ways healing becomes performance
• The real reason you’re still waiting for permission
• How to stop living from approval and start living from truth

And from the Sappy Hotline — one of the most raw questions we’ve received yet:
 “Why can’t I just let myself be me?”

This episode will hit deep if you’re feeling stuck, exhausted, or like you’re only allowed to show the “good” version of yourself.

🎧 Full episode out now on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.

Leave a voicemail - Sappy Hotline 888-444-9461

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Thanks for tuning in to JB Copeland's Sappy Hour.

If it moved you, made you think, or made you feel less alone — share it with someone you care about.

Sappy Hotline 888-444-9461

🎙️ Hosted by JB Copeland

📚 Sponsored byIntelligent Change— use code SAPPYHOUR10 for 10% off

📖 My new book Sappy Medium is out now.

Let’s stay connected:

📸 Instagram: @jb_copeland

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Transcript

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Up next on sappy radio, 44.4 on your FM dial a little JB, Copeland. He's not licensed, but he's definitely listening. This is sappy hour today. We're talking about something that wears a smile but steals your soul. People pleasing. Why do we do it? Who does it serve and what does it cost us? We're going there, plus I'll be answering a burning question, and probably one of the better questions that I've ever received on sappy hotline, starting now. How do you get to the point where you can finally allow yourself to choose your own destiny, to actually be yourself like because I'm struggling with allowing myself to claim my right to be me. And I don't know why I'm struggling with that. I've tried my best to, you know, do do all the inner work and figure out all all the roots and damage of pain and the lies I believe about myself from replacing them with truth. But still, I feel like there's something there inside of me not allowing to, not allowing myself to be me. You know, it's like, I feel like I don't have that right? Thanks for calling in. I think this question is going to really help a lot of people, including myself. What you're feeling is extremely human. It's like an invisible wall between who you are and who you want to be, and a lot of times we can be judgmental, and we have to remind ourselves that this is not laziness, that this is not a lack of clarity, that this is not something that we're consciously trying to do. What this is is protection, and it's old. So I'm gonna break this down with you, not with advice, and this can be advice, but really just reflection. So number one, you don't feel like you have the right to be you, because at some point, someone taught you that you didn't have the right to be you. And sometimes that's hard to swallow, and a lot of times it's not with words, it's with really silence and with action. It's like being misunderstood or being praised for your performance and not your presence. You know that people that subconsciously loved you with conditions, and now you are subconsciously loving yourself with conditions, and you weren't allowed to take up space as you were, and so now you're having a hard time and trouble stepping into who you are, because you still feel that like you did when you were a little kid. It almost feels wrong. And you know it shouldn't feel wrong, but it feels wrong. It feels really hard to do, but we have to remind ourselves that that isn't truth, that's just memory, memory that we have to learn to work through and not act on. The second thing is, doing the inner work doesn't always give you the permission that you need. It really just gives you a map of what you need to do. A map and permission are two different things. You could map out a whole route to the place you want to visit, but until you take action and give yourself permission, you're not going to go there. But I want to congratulate you, because you're very self aware, and a lot of people have a hard time being aware on this level, and now you're at this next level of facing it. And it's really about learning to become and to know who you truly are. It's about allowing yourself to be who you are, even though it feels like I said wrong and scary, and this is where your nervous system lives, where your subconscious is saying, like, if I truly show up for who I am, I'm going to be rejected. You're thinking subconsciously, will I be too much? Will I lose what I love? Because you were taught this, and this isn't crazy for me to say, because you might not feel this consciously, but But deep down, this is what subconsciously you're thinking, and you know this kind of sucks to say, but the fear of that doesn't vanish just because you now know it. That's a fear that you're going to have to look at the eyes of and face and walk in that uncomfort of being you and giving yourself to permission to be you. And what you're asking, what you're saying is is, I want to feel the right to be myself, but no one can give you the right, but you and to gain a right comes with sacrifice and to gain a right, and to gain peace comes with somewhat of a war and so and I know you don't mean it like this, but what? But what you're saying is I don't want to have to sacrifice to gain that right, because no one ever taught you that, and no one ever taught me that either. But what I'm saying is you're going to have to sacrifice who you were, and you're going to have to sacrifice what people might think of you, and you're going to have to sacrifice your comfortability. Be to be able to become who you were, and it's not going to feel good, like I said, it's going to feel wrong. And so you're wanting to skip over that part of that turmoil and that uncomfort, and that's the most that that's the most important part, that uncomfort is what builds you. That uncomfort is what puts the stamp of approval on you. And yeah, you might lose some things. Yeah, you might. People might say some stuff, yeah, you might feel really uncomfortable. But like, who cares? Who cares? And so there's not a world where you don't have the right, I want you to know that, that there's nowhere else to look for that right. I understand that you've gone and you've done the inner work, like you said, and you've and you've done these things, but there's nowhere else to look there's no one else that can give you, nothing else that can give you the right that you want. The only one that can give it to you is you. And the way that you give that to yourself is you dive into this friction and this tension, because there's going to be heavy tension within it's like a civil war within you. I always say that healing is sometimes like a civil war, because the old part of you and the new part of you are going to battle. And I want to make sure that you know I'm using that, that phrase, civil war. I want to make sure that you know that you're not here trying to destroy your old self. You're here trying to make peace with your old self, and that adult in you that you're tapping into right now asking these questions, has to offer a hand of peace to that little boy that doesn't feel the permission to be himself. You have to go find that little boy in the midst of war and tension, and you have to pick him up, and you have to tell him, it's okay, and just because you're the adult doesn't make that any less hard, because you're going against everything that you've been taught. And so this is a this is what makes you a man. This is what makes you a human. And you're a dude and you're like me, but this is where you as a man, step up and give yourself that right. You become that man, that that little boy right now needs only you can become that man. There is no one coming to save you. You have to bring that energy. You have to bring that fight to this memory and this lie, because you don't want to, you don't want that little boy to be trapped where he's been your whole life. And I want to make sure you know you from from what you said, the question that you asked and what you said, you're doing the work. I'm proud of you. You should be very, very proud of yourself. But now it's like, now it's like, you got to take out the sword and you got to stick it in the face of what is holding you back, and that is fear and uncomfort. And I get it, bro, I get it. It sucks, but it's worth it, and so you have to fight for that, right? And before long as you as you practice being who you are, as you practice living and acting like who you know that you are, it becomes easier. And people will say, you know, they'll say, Well, I don't know who I'm going to be. You might be thinking that right now, I don't know who I am. Well, who do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Ask yourself that you want to be the man that walks into a room with confidence. Do you want to be the man that opens the door for people? Do you want to be the man that, and I'm sure you do these things, but do you want to be the man that that brings peace into a room? Who is that man? Write it down. Write down who you want to become and then become be, because that is, you wouldn't have these thoughts of who you want to be unless it was who you want to be and who you are. And the last thing I want to say is you're not weak for struggling here in this in this area, because 99.9% of people just stay here. What you are is you're not weak, you're close. You're really close. And the resistance that you're feeling, this tension that I talk of, that you're feeling, isn't the absence of you growing and you healing and you evolving. It's actually the exact opposite. It's It's proof that you're healing and growing and evolving, and that should, should give you some inner peace, that this is just how it feels. This is what it feels like to become who you are. It's what it feels like, man, it's what it feels like, and it's a sign from. That little kid within you that's had to hide for all these years. He's holding up a sign and he's waiting for you to look at him and say, it's safe to be you. It's safe to teach him differently. It's safe to grab him and and hug on him and bring him to the light and say, look, it's all good, bro, it's all good. Life can be what we make it. We don't have to we don't have to live like you. Don't have to hide anymore. I'm not embarrassed of you. I'm sorry that. I'm sorry that happened. I'm sorry that this is what happened. Sorry. This is where we find ourselves. But things happen and we learn, and we're here. Now, you give yourself that, right? You give that little kid that right? So you're probably asking now, like, how do I do that? How do I do this? How do I start? I'll give you a couple pointers. Number one, you stop trying to be ready, and you be honest, and you be yourself. Even if your voice shakes, be yourself. Be honest, even if your voice shakes, follow your gut. Do what brings you peace? Do? What sets a fire down on your soul. No one, nothing, no organization, no person, no thing can control you. You've been controlled your whole life. This is what it feels like to come out of control. You doubt yourself, you doubt yourself, and there's nothing to doubt, bro. There's nothing to doubt. If you're human like me, which I know that you are, there's nothing to doubt because somehow, some, some way you're here right now. You were born like, what are the chances that you are here right now? It's a it's a big deal that you're here and it's in and you have to give yourself that pat on the back to realize that you're special. And that's not me trying to be like a soy boy. I'm just saying you have a lot of amazing things going for your breathing, you have dreams, you have aspirations. You're doing the work. You don't have to be anything, but you the second thing is you got to stop trying to earn your identity. It's something that culturally we try and do is we got to do this, this, this and this, to earn who we are, to give us again, that right, that permission to be who we are. And instead of trying to earn it, start just honoring it. Honor it like it's already there because it is. You have to start treating yourself as you're already enough. You know healing, healing and evolving and becoming who you are isn't about getting stuck in what's happened in the past. And this, this is a thing that that you might find yourself doing, is becoming self absorbed in what you've gone through, getting upset, of, you know, realizing that you've that little boy has been in hiding for a long time, healing. And I'm not saying you can't not feel this. I think it's a good thing to work through it and feel it. But healing is not about you getting stuck in a shame loop and stuck in a an insecurity loop of what you've done and and who you've been and who did it to you and this and that it's not about that. Healing is about becoming self aligned with who you know that you are, and then living in a way and living in tune with that person, which means how that person would act is how I'm going to act, how that person would talk to himself, is how I'm going to talk to myself. How that person would treat others, is how I'm going to treat others. It's a thought away. It's a mind shift away. You don't have to live in that self absorption. And sometimes when we go through these things, it's easy to want to play, you know, patty cake, and talk about all the bad things that's happened to us. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm just saying that can't just be the only thing that we do. We can't just sit there in victim mode for 15 years and just hope one day, if we talk enough about the bad things that have happened, that it's just gonna one day change us. That's not how that works, because when we continue talking about it over and over and over and over again, if we do it from an unhealthy place, we're not reminding ourselves who we're going to be, we're reminding ourselves who we were. And it's an unhealthy thing that that happens when people go through this process, because they get to a place to where all these wounds are open, and they're trying to figure out where what and all they can do is focus on the wound, when true healing happens, when you live from a place where the wound is healed, and the only way to heal that open wound is to is to live like it's not there anymore. Mm. Yeah, and I know that that might not, that might be an unpopular opinion, but you have to. I understand it's still going to hurt. I understand you're still going to have grief. I understand that you're still going to be mad. I understand that you're still going to have anxiety. I understand that you're still going to feel uncomfortable. But what you're saying that right, that you're talking about that permission, that you're looking for, means that you're you're coming to a higher plane and realizing that that is there, and you're honoring that, but what you're really honoring is who you know that you're becoming. And the true medicine for those wounds is you beginning, is you beginning to trust yourself and live at this level of who you are? That is the right that you're looking for. That is what true evolution and true healing is. Is not playing patty cake down here. It's okay to do it for some time. I've definitely had my fair share up here, and I've done it on videos too, to where, you know, it's just not a good vibe. It's, it's, it's, it's a negative, a negative energy, where I just want to keep on talking and talking and talking and no, this person did me wrong, and I'd come here, live here. You don't have to ignore it. But again, you're the adult. Now you're going to honor it, you're going to love it, but it's not going to control you. You're going to live here. And the last thing is you got to just show up, bro. You got to get up and just show up. And you're going to do that, and you're going to feel scared, and you're going to feel doubt towards yourself. You're gonna feel that fear creeping back in and that little that little boy you know, wreaking havoc, all that tension and friction, that little boy does not he doesn't feel safe, and you can't get mad at him. You just gotta go find him, and you gotta just show up over and over. And you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to train, you're gonna have to reteach him again. Love him, love those wounds, love that little boy, love where you've been. But live here, and sometimes you'll come back down here, and you can't be so judgmental about it. It's the thing. It's you can't hate yourself and to change you can only love yourself into change. You have to come at a at a third, a third person understanding when, when you fall back into these wounds, because you're going to do it and it's okay to be upset with yourself. Don't be a judgmental person towards yourself. Lift yourself out of that and come back here over and over and over again, and that right and that permission and this lifestyle becomes a habit. And I'm not here to say that I'm doing that like I still have a hard time. I'm still in between that, and I don't know if that's a lifelong battle, but I'm not going to sit here in negativity. There's always things that need to be better, there's always things that need to evolve. There's always things that need more healing, but I'm going to bring myself here day in and day out, and there's gonna be some days where I'm back down here, but I'm gonna get up the next morning and I'm going to I'm going to come back here, I'm going to get in the gym, I'm going to be kind to myself, I'm going to be consistent with the dreams that are in my heart. I'm going to be the man and the human, because I know there's a lot of women watching this, that this, this also applies to you. I'm going to be the human that I've promised myself I'm going to be, and that's just how it goes. I really appreciate you calling in. Thanks for calling in a sappy hotline. I'm going to pull this up real quick. Sappy hotline is 888-444-9461, again, it's 888-444-9461, and I'll put in the link in the description, call in, leave a voicemail, funny, sad, emotional highs, lows, whatever it is, guys, I'm here to listen. I'm here to talk it out with you. And you are awesome. Check out this two minute video about the life designer, something that can really, really help you guys from intelligent change. Sappy hour is brought to you by our amazing friends at intelligent change, and this is one of their new products that is so lit. It's so lit. Okay? It's called the live designer. And I'm not a person that just says things are lit. You have to understand that, like it actually has to be lit for me to say it's lit. This thing is built to help you connect with your authentic self, to help you plan out what your dreams are. Startup, to even figure out what those dreams are, and to create it and to design it. Do you? Do you understand I'm gonna preach at you? Do you understand that you were put on this earth to create, to design, and a lot of us, a lot of us, we can get stuck on autopilot, and we hear the whispers from our soul asking and just begging us and pulling us into this place of more. And we have a really hard time with that, because we don't know what the next step is to take, but we know that we're meant for more this. This will help you get there. It actually helps you build a 10 year plan. A 10 year plan, I know that. I know 10 years sounds like a really long time, but it feels like I was just in high school and I just had my 10 year reunion. So, you know, Time goes fast, and I think it's just about building something authentic and beautiful that only you can do, and that's what this is for the life designer. I'm so excited about it. I'm so excited for you guys to check it out. I wish I could go through every single page with you, but I can't, because that would take three hours. The link is in the description the code. My code is sappy. Hour 10. Make sure you get 10% off. Okay, you need 10% off. I love you guys, and let's get back to the podcast. In this next section, we're going to be taking a deep dive into people pleasing. We're going to talk about what it is, why we do it, and how it's harmful for not only us, but those around us, we're going to talk about the difference between being nice and being kind. And I was raised to be a nice guy saying yes to everything, over promising, under delivering, because I just wanted their affirmation more than I cared about my own affirmation. And taking on all these things takes bravery. It takes, you know, looking at it in the face and having some understanding and some awareness that this is where you're at in life, and this is some things that you've been dealing with in life. And I want you to know that I'm here with you. I've gone through it, I'm going through it, and you can get through it. And this is a little quote from my new book, sappy medium, which there's a link in the description, and this is just for you, and I'm going to read this, and then we'll hop right into the dope, amazing talk about people pleasing. Here it is. It takes courage to bloom, so I want you to know that in this season of uncomfortable growth, you are way braver than you think. Enjoy. We're learning to be kind. To be kind is to be clear. And with me, people pleasing, there was zero clarity ever with myself. There was zero clarity ever with the people that I was dealing with. I would, I would make promises that I couldn't keep. I would anything yes to get their approval. I think that is the root of people. Pleasing is approval. I need to know that you value me by the things that I do and how I perform, and I am in such desperate need of your affirmation or some type of attention, I will say yes to anything. I will cross all of my boundaries. I will put myself last. I will put my needs last. I might even put my values last so that I can make sure that you're happy with me. Whoo, that was me. Big time. Big time. So let's peel the onion back a little bit farther. Why did I need that affirmation? This is the fruit of the root of something. Why did I need that affirmation? How did I get to this point? How did you get to this point? How did we get to this point? And we talk a lot about core wounds, here it is, the wound of inadequacy. When you feel inadequate, you have to find adequacy from something else, usually that being your actions or your performance or the way that people make you feel temporarily. I mean, for me, it was drugs. It was all this temporary filler, people pleasing, drug use. Things that gave me temporary comfort in the moment to say that I'm I'm enough, because they said it, and it just sucks, because people pleasing is such a spiral. It hurts you very badly. Hurts the people closest to you very badly, because all people pleasing is is not living in your value. Buying into inadequacy costs you. You. It's like we begin to pledge allegiance to people, because they hold all the power, and we need that power. We need their affirmation. We need them to tell us who we are, because we don't know who we are. We say yes to things that we really don't want to say yes to, but we kind of do want to say yes to it. It's a sick and twisted thing, because we want them to affirm us and because we want to feel valuable. People pleasing isn't just a yes man. People pleasing is a lifestyle. People pleasing is an open hurt, walking around trying to find some band aids, and that's understandable. The truth of the matter is, is that I was never inadequate. I just believed it. I hope you're really enjoying the talk on people pleasing. We're not done yet. There's still some nuggets that I would love for you to hear, but before we do that, I'm really excited to show you guys about a new thing that I'm gonna be doing over the next six months. Check it out. I'm tripping a little bit, and I just wanna be honest. I've been taking care of my mental and emotional health for a while now, done therapy, journaling, breath work, all of it, and it's helped, for sure. But if I'm being honest, I still feel like there's something missing. And just being real with you. Over the last year, I've dealt with constant anxiety, chronic stress, low energy, and sometimes I get really sad, and what's been tripping me up is like, I know myself, and there are days where I feel like I'm losing my mind, like, Am I crazy? Because logically, like, everything should be fine, everything should be great, but it's not. And I'm not and I'm not the kind of guy that's just going to sit there and just hope it gets better. Like, I want to feel good, I want to feel happy, I want to feel fulfilled. Like, screw staying stuck. Let's make something happen. So I started digging, and I came across a company named kale, and I reached out to them, because as I was reading, I realized that there's a whole side of healing that I've completely ignored, and that's the physiological side. It's about what's happening inside your body, not just your emotions and your thoughts. And I'm not Huberman, even though I really want to be Andrew Huberman, but let me try and break this down for you. There's our gut health, which breaks down food, absorbs nutrients, and if that's off, everything's off, then you got your hormones, and hormones control your energy, your mood, your metabolism, your sleep, your sex drive. They're like your body's messengers. Then we got our nervous system, and your nervous system decides if you're gonna be calm or if you're gonna be constantly stuck in fight or flight. And I am not calm. Then we have our brain chemistry, and brain chemistry is our serotonin, our dopamine, our GABA, our JB, a, I don't know which one it is, and it's the stuff that makes you feel clear and steady and balanced, and I don't feel like I have any of that. And then we have inflammation levels and toxins and nutrient deficiencies. The inflammation is your body's alarm system, and when it's always on, it can cause anxiety, fatigue, brain fog, bad mood, all of it. And then toxins are chemicals that your body absorbs from water, food, air, and if you don't clear them out, they build up and they start jacking with you. And then with nutrient deficiencies, our bodies need certain vitamins and minerals to make us feel good and for us to function properly, and I am definitely deficient. The physiological side is everything that's happening inside of my body that's affecting how I feel. It's the stuff that most people don't really think about. So yeah, now it's starting to make a little bit more sense as to why I have constant anxiety and brain fog, and I'm tired all the time. So over the next six months, I'm gonna partner with kale. I'm doing a full deep dive into my biology labs, data protocol, all of it. And my goal here is to be the best version of myself that I can be. And also, simply, I just wanna feel good, I wanna feel happy, I wanna feel fulfilled. And I also wanna show you that if you feel the same way I do, and you haven't looked into this, that you don't have to stay stuck either. And maybe this six month experiment on me will give you answers that you've been looking for. And this isn't a replacement of what I've been doing. This is an addition. My issues are just deeper than I thought. So each month, you're gonna get to watch a video of this process, from the labs to the nutrition to the supplements to the ups and downs, good days, bad days, and I'm gonna be honest with you where I'm at during each month. So this is me trying. Let's see what happens. It's very uncomfortable, but very doable to not be a people pleaser anymore when you find your value. Yeah, it's uncomfortable at first, because you're saying no, because you don't need their permission. Pain because you don't need their affirmation anymore, because your time is valuable. Life is about breaking patterns. We're searching for a relationship that we need filled, and no one can fill that spot but us. I had to become the man that I was trying to please, you have to become the man or woman that you are trying to please. You have to please yourself, and not in a selfish way, not in not in this self absorbed No, in a way that you value yourself and your time and your skill and your ability, and you bet on yourself, and you say, I can do this. I don't need their about their value. They have value for themselves. They they don't need to give me any theirs. I, I'm not saying that, that it's not you can't accept compliments and people can't be nice to you. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about doing things for love instead of from love. That's what people people pleasing is. Is doing things for love instead of doing things from love? You can be kind, you can help people. You can give them your time. But are you doing it for love or from love? And when you learn to stop being a people pleaser and being so nice, you become kind. And what being kind mean is, means is being clear, setting boundaries, showing them where the line is sticking to your guns, being clear in conversation, not over promising and under delivering. Thinking through things before answering. That's authenticity. Being kind to yourself creates you being kind to others, and the people that benefited from your lack of boundaries and your people pleasing might not be kind back. That's the sad truth, because they got really good at using you, and that doesn't mean you have to be mad at them. Just means there's a boundary there now and you are not going there, and you learned your lesson. The people that benefited from your people pleasing the people that benefited from your brokenness might not like your kind this, and they'll call it mean kindness is clarity, pretty sure, Brene Brown says that. And so as as you're, as we're walking together through this, and obviously we come and meet here weekly, and you're at sappy house, and then you go back into the world, and then you have all this power, and you understand who you are and and you're you're doing this work, and you're coming to realizations, and you're becoming aware of who you are and and you know the power that you wield. And now it's time to get clear with yourself and clear with the people around you of what you want and what you don't want and what you will do from love and what you will not do for love. Don't let people pleasing take the joy from your life anymore. Yeah, shits awkward sometimes. Yeah, people might not like it. Yeah. How many awkward conversations I've had in the last four months? Too many to count, but you have the permission to do that. You also have the permission to change your mind. That's another thing. You have the permission, permission to change your mind. If things change and shit changes, you also have the permission to back out of situations as you feel it and you think it's a good situation. You're like, I'm not feeling it, and I'm going to choose my gut. I'm going to choose me and kindness and clarity and give them and communicate that clarity. You have that power. You have that ability. I Yeah, let's stop buying into the fact that we're inadequate, because that's not true. Let's stop doing things to get value from others, because we don't need their value. Let's give value. Let's do it from love, not for love. Let's stop walking all over ourselves and letting people walk all over us just so we can get a pat on the back. I'll pat myself on the back. That's it for this episode of. Happy Hour, if you've been molding yourself to be liked, just remember, True Love does not require you to shrink. You also have the permission to be you until next time. I'm JB Copeland, and remember, stay honest and stay you. See you next week. You.