Ep. 35: Ty Bryant's Life Story - Adoption, Loss & Redemption

                 Ty's first night was spent in an Electrolux Vacuum Box. 

His narrative begins with a touching tale of adoption, when a woman offered him to his mother just three days after his birth, a moment that resonates with biblical stories of destiny and community support. Ty's alcoholic father left the family early on, leaving him to be raised by his mother, with his grandfather and uncles stepping in as male role models.

Throughout the episode, Ty reflects on the importance of fatherhood, likening a father's love and guidance to the divine relationship with God the Father. He discusses his efforts to embody these qualities in his relationship with his seven children, emphasizing the need for patience and understanding, particularly when dealing with personal trauma and the challenges of parenting.

Ty's involvement in community service shines through as he talks about his role on the board of a local organization that supports adoptive families, illustrating his commitment to giving back to the community that helped raise him. He passionately discusses his current role as VP of Engagement, where he is actively involved in fundraising and supporting foster care initiatives, aiming to decrease the number of foster children in need and improve their lives through church-based community support.

The episode is a heartfelt exploration of Ty's life, highlighting his deep connections to family, community, and faith, which have guided him through various trials and led to a life dedicated to service and legacy. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

All right, folks. Today I have with me a good friend of mine, Ty Bryan. Ty, this is going to be such an awesome episode. I can't wait to get your story out. I cannot wait to share, but also I'm just glad to be here with you.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

We're always having fun.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Yeah, let's enjoy this time. Let's make it awesome. It's all about legacy, getting your story out so your kids will always know you. Exactly. So there's a couple things that are just so interesting here to me. First is... let's not overlook the fact the size of your family is just incredible.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Oh, right. So we'll get into the number. I have some friends who have a larger families, which I'm not trying to catch up with, which you just interviewed a good friend of mine that has 10, 10 kids. We only have seven, but I think we're always tell my wife, seven is the number of completion. We are done, you know, six, seven days. God took seven days, create the earth and six days. Then he rested. So we've rested seven kids.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

So much. I love the meaning of seven. But there's a couple other things that are cool here, right? So I want to get right into, I can't help but the visual of your, things started for you when you were physically, physically handed over. Yes. And it's powerful. Tell me about that

SPEAKER_02 1:18

story. So I was adopted, which is part of my why of what I do with my occupation and where God's called me in life, and we'll talk more about that. Many years ago, I'm old now, but there was my adoptive mom owned a business in a small town in North Carolina. And she had a client who came in who was pregnant the second time out of wedlock. She had already had one child 18 months previously. She kept that child, but she got pregnant again just through circumstances. And she could not keep me, who would eventually be me. And she came in and she goes, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. I'm not sure what to do. They had a brief conversation. My adoptive mom said, hey, I would love a baby. I can't have any more children. We would love to adopt if you're interested. She has just found out she was pregnant. So that conversation happened probably the first trimester. My mom didn't, I don't even think saw her. or knew anything more for six months. So they had this conversation. Six months later, when I was three days old, the lady brought me into my mom's business and said, hey, you said that you would take this child. Are you still interested? Literally, that's how it happened. And so it's almost like in the Bible, you look at how Moses was put in the basket because they were killing the children in those days, and his sister was able to navigate and get him in the basket, and Pharaoh adopted him. It's like God just navigated my life and brought me to this lady, and the lady was like, yes, we'll adopt him. We didn't know you were... serious so they took me home that night sure i slept my first night in an electrolux vacuum cleaner box no so back in those days you know they vacuum cleaners came in big boxes so that's all they had they weren't planning on a baby i mean this is truly how it happened and so the next night my the second night i slept in a drawer a bureau drawer they they put me in there because they were wanting to make sure i was safe and then of course they got furniture and but it It so happened that our small town, there was probably one lawyer, one or two lawyers, and one of my moms, who became my adoptive mom's good friends, was the lawyer's wife because she was one of her clients in the business that she was in. And the lawyer's wife helped get all the papers drawn up in that day, and there's a waiting period. And the church that they went to, the lawyer and his wife went to, really was the church that kind of helped come around my mom Yeah, sure. Incredible. Oh, wow. Oh, no. Adopt me. My mom and dad adopted me. What's that hometown? Lenore, North Carolina. Okay. It's the home of Brohill Bernhardt Furniture. Oh, yeah. Back in the day, all of that was built there. All the industry was there. That's incredible. And then Lenore Presbyterian Church is the church that a ministry now has been formed there called Big House Family Ministries. Big House. And I get to give back by being on the board there. And Promise is who equips that church and helps them.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Yeah. So did your mom, not your birth mom, Did your mom have other... You were the first.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

Nope. She had one daughter. Okay. She was able to have one daughter who was older. Yeah. I was born on her birthday. So my sister and I have always shared a birthday. Oh, my goodness. And I was adopted. And now my sweet mom, who honestly thought she was a believer, was not a believer, became a believer when I was two, the one who adopted me, grew up in an amazing foundation of faith and love and Jesus and all of that, has since... gone to be with the Lord. She died in 2021, but my sister, older sister, is still up in Lenore, that area, and my brother-in-law and my nieces and nephews, and there are a lot of family up there, and so it's fun to go back.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

So what happened now? You're in this good family. They take you in. What is the next... five, ten years look like?

SPEAKER_02 6:02

I think some hard things happened. So my adoptive dad, when I was three years old, left our family. So here, my mom had become a believer when I was two. My adoptive dad, who at first was a functioning alcoholic, became pretty dysfunctional, very hard, made some choices that he would, you know, he left our family. And so I grew up pretty much with a single mom. I did not see him from the time I was three until the time I was nine. But stepping in was my grandfather. Stepping in was uncles. Stepping in was the men of the church. You know what I mean? As best they could, just stepping in. And so I was surrounded by love. I can truthfully say I never knew a day in my life that I wasn't hugged, that I wasn't... kissed that I wasn't like we love you you are so loved you are so I mean truly growing up I was enveloped in truly physical love and it was shown to

SPEAKER_01 7:12

me

SPEAKER_02 7:13

and now that doesn't mean I didn't have my issues I mean I think growing up without a dad it's been really hard for me to see God as a father because I've had to formulate that in my mind like can I really trust God as the father can I really trust him that he loves me for who I am yeah Can I trust that no matter how bad things get, he's not going to leave? Do you know what I mean? That abandonment, that fear, that comes, I think, partially from being adopted because you're abandoned. Yeah, for sure. And even though I thank my birth mom daily, thank her so much for giving me. I know. That was a loving thing for her to do. But still, you're being abandoned, and you have to work through that. And then when my adoptive dad left, will God stay? So there's a lot of things that come up from that, and I still work through them. Yeah. I mean, I think I hit a crisis in my late 20s. in his early thirties where I had to do some pretty intense counseling with that. But, um, and I still can, can walk through that. You know, I look at it now and I'm like, I'm always harder on myself thinking God's just going to walk out,

SPEAKER_00 8:20

you know what I mean? So, so is there a relationship between how you see your earthly father and to how you see your Heavenly Father. I've heard it

SPEAKER_02 8:32

put. I do. I think, yes. And I worry about that all the time. I'm like, how am I representing being a father to my seven children? Because how they see me is really how they're probably creating and developing their view of God, the Father. And God the Father is so loving. I mean, you read His Word, and it's like, Right. Yeah. I feel like as I look at my parenting and all the things that I've had to walk through because we have kids with trauma, you know, we've adopted and all the things I think, oh, there's some things I've done well and there's some things I've done really poorly. Like I wish that I had been modeled better how to do it or listen to the spirit more and how to work through that. Anything stand out? Any one thing stand out? Oh, there's several things. I think for me... So all of our kids, every child, every person has trauma. We all have things that are hard, you know, but I think for us, we've adopted, adoption is the story of at least six of our kids. So when I married my beautiful wife, Kristen, she is amazing. She was a single mom. So she was living what my mom was living, raising two kids, a single mom. And they had endured some really hard things through their biological dad. And she had two children at the time. I adopted them, even though they were her birth children. We got pregnant on the honeymoon. So within nine months of getting married, I had three children. And I was in my 30s. Actually, I was 40 at that point and never had children in my home. I was living the life. I could travel. I could do, and it all just changed. And now I look, what did I do with my time back then? Because I'm like, dude, I thought I was busy when I was single. And then when I had marriage and then three kids within nine months, it was insanity. And so I look at that, and I think for me, even though I had dealt with a lot of my... absentee dads stuff you know through counseling through that um Sometimes I didn't at that point understand trauma and its effect on our brain. And so especially as kids get older and they get more independence, they're going to act out. And I felt sometimes how I responded was more harsh than it was, okay, let's talk through this. And as I've gotten more training around parenting trauma and around parenting the brain, sometimes it's developed differently because of trauma. sure I've learned to step back and let let things happen first before I react and then let's sit down and talk about it when they're ready because to me I always felt like if I don't deal with it right now especially with my son I'll use him as an example he's 19 now he's gonna laugh at this if he listens to it but he was a hard case growing up like he was always into something he was just he was very strong-willed sure I'm gonna do what I want to do made some real Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. We have a great relationship, so it's not that it's fractured in any way, but there are things that I feel like it's probably harder for him to even see who God the Father is because of how I should have been more patient. Because the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, self-control, and that gentleness... is not my forte. Because I'm like, hey, if you know what to do and you're supposed to do it, do it. I mean, you're talking to a guy that... I remember when I was five years old, Jeff, I was sitting in the back of a car. My mom's green Caprice Classic. I remember this way back in the day. And I just... because my mom never held for held for me the fact that I was adopted she was always like God is writing a story for you God has a plan for you I love that God is creating things in you he's made you a way and in a way that he made only you and you need to be aware that it's going to be special and I and not that I thought I was more special I really didn't but I remember sitting when I was five years old in the back of the car and the sun was shining on me and I literally remember where I was in my hometown thinking God's got a plan for me and it's really cool and I can't wait to see what happens this was five now I wasn't even a true believer at that point

SPEAKER_01 14:18

goodness

SPEAKER_02 14:19

and then fast forward on to middle school where I truly did run into Jesus like I had an experience with Jesus in middle school where I started following him and I was and it has not been all a bed of roses it's been I've made so many mistakes it has been a roller coaster ride of I was just reading, in fact, this describes my life. I was reading in Ephesians, not Ephesians, in Exodus this week, and it was in Exodus chapter 13, and it's verse 17, and it said,"...when Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine country or territory, even though that was the shortest and probably easiest route." To the promised land. God led them through the hardest part. He led them through the wilderness. So if you think about it, there was a quicker way to get out of Egypt. Yeah, think about that. And I think about my life and I'm like, God decided if I'm going to build character in him, he's going to have to go through some hard things. His dad's going to leave. When I was 15, that same dad ended up committing suicide. I've had heartaches and things that didn't turn out the way they were supposed to. Relationships that failed. Sure. Friendships that I thought would be a lifetime and they've walked away. I've messed up in many ways, my sin. So the way he took me out of Egypt, out of my sin when I was in middle school, wasn't this easy path. It was like, we're going to have some hard roads through the wilderness. We're going to have to go through the Red Sea. We're going to have to have where you feel like there's no food and I'll supply the manna. So I honestly just feel like that's what he's done with my life because there's some scripture in 2 Corinthians that says, what you go through, I want to use to encourage and help somebody else. And if I can't Yeah. It's not worth it. I just look at that and think, from five years old thinking God has a plan for me, moving towards middle school where I became a Christian, and I was a pretty driven person. Yeah. this is not an arrogant statement. I was a valedictorian of my senior class. They picked, when we went into the freshman year of college, they picked 24 of us to do this leadership thing and to do outward bound. So I got to do outward bound for a couple of weeks. All these things that it's not because of I'm good, it's because that's the kind of personality I want to be driven and do and do well. And I found that when I don't see that same thing in my kids, I react But I sometimes don't react out of, oh, God's created them differently. That's okay. I react out of anger because I want them to be like me. Yeah. And it's okay to want your kids to be a certain way and to have drive and to move forward and better themselves. But it's not okay when you're trying to put them in a bubble to be like you because we're falling. What you want them to be is like Jesus. You know what I mean? And a lot of times I'm trying to get them to be a certain way because it looks better or looks prettier or this. And I've found that's when I usually have conflicts with them. I'm trying to fit them in something that's either not their personality or not their calling. Of course, you always want to pull them and call them away from sin. But it's just, everybody's created different.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Yeah. I heard it put such, I love this statement. When they're outsides match your insides that's the result so think of that i love that when their outsides match their insides no they're so what's happening is so so it's your insides and their outsides so the way they're performing right we're in that performance trap okay the way they're performing right yes conflicts it collides with the way you feel on the inside yeah so the whole goal of I forget which book it was, but it said the real goal is to get our own insides to match our outsides. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we find conflict in another person when those two are at odds. It's just something to think through and go through and exercise. And I've done it. It is powerful. That's

SPEAKER_02 19:00

so good. Because, you know, if you think about that, as a parent– All you want with your kids really deep down is you want them to have integrity. And integrity is matching what is on your inside with your outside, like who you are by yourself. Like when you and I are all alone, are we the same as when we are when we're with each other or with our spouses or whatever? And if we are, that's integrity. And I feel like with kids, you're training them to be that. And they're going to have their path. And I love Randy Pope, who I work with. worked for for many years at Perimeter Church, worked with and for, loved that man. He said, God allows what he hates to accomplish what he loves. And I have lived that over and over and over, especially in the last 10 years of being a parent, because he's allowed some hard things into our family, but some things that are really good and that I needed to break me from my idol of love. reputation. I have such an idol of wanting my reputation to be seen and known and looked up to that he said, it's okay to want to be a man of God and be a man of integrity, but when your idol becomes your reputation, I've got to break that. That's a problem. And that's been really hard. He's used that a lot in my parenting. Like I said, with Levi and then... My sweet oldest daughter, who I love, love, love, love. She is just a beautiful person. artsy just artist like she truly has the eye she can draw anything just so gifted came to us in November and this is her story to tell but I can share this from my perspective and said hey you know I've been dating this guy for a year or so and I'm pregnant she's at college she's calling that's not the way that I thought it would go like

SPEAKER_01 20:54

I

SPEAKER_02 20:54

thought it would go we'll have engagement we'll get married we'll get pregnant and I just look inside I'm no different. My sin is no different. And God's going to use this. And he already has. Like I look at this, a good friend of mine sat me down right after we found out. And he said, Ty, sure they messed up, but they're owning that. And he said, this baby is not... a consequence the consequence is they may have to grow up quicker but this baby God created because he's got a plan for this child and it's going to be a little girl and now I'm all excited like I'm going to be a granddaddy this year gosh that's awesome it's not exactly the plan we had but now it's becoming beautiful that's right God's redeeming it and I want her to be able to tell the story because I'm just so excited for her and Weston and who's going to be you know they are getting married and no we had to have those hard conversations Sure. Okay, then let's move forward. Right. You know what I mean? So you have to have those hard conversations. I remember calling Lily right after I found out. I was kind of numb I didn't know what to say but I said I want to love her I want her to feel love from this conversation and so I called her and I just all I could do was pray for her and say this we'll figure this out we're going to figure this out and I asked her two questions I said hey we've got two options we can keep the baby or we can put the baby up for adoption because I was adopted and that would be hard but I also knew that was our only options we're keeping this baby or we're putting this baby up for adoption and she's like no we're keeping the baby which I love and then secondly was do you really are you do you love Weston are you sure that marriage is where you want to head. Now, we got to work through some things first, premarital counseling and all that, but they have been so mature about it. And I hope I'm not sharing anything she wouldn't want me to, but I've just been so impressed by how God's using this to just mature him and him. He's maturing them. He's making them more like him. And I think about I didn't have that happen to me, but I had to have hard things happen to me to mature me. I had to make some major mistakes to get to where I am, and I'm still making mistakes so that I can learn. And I don't do them on purpose, but God uses them. He's like, hey, dude, this is not cool. We've got to think through this and what that looks like. So it's just different things like that, and you're always parenting. We've adopted a sibling. set so three of them we got as newborns so they came to us from foster care yeah yeah and so isaiah's 12 now so we got him when he was five days old uh maggie is 10 years old and we got her at two days old and then millie is nine years old and we got her at three days old so we've known them since they were like yeah when i was handed to my mom that's how long that's yep like it looks like that they have an old they have an older sister rosie who we got to know when she was five and would bring to our house when we could because we wanted her to know her siblings. But we didn't get to keep her full time until she was 13. So from five to 13, we would just see her sporadically. At 13, she came to live with us and we adopted her. And it's been a journey adopting a child that age because we had her siblings from when they were newborns. And so it's been a journey of just... Understanding her, knowing that there's more trauma behind her because she's got more years of that. There's more things that she had developed in her mind that you have to walk through. How will she, our birth child Lyric, who we got pregnant on the honeymoon with, who's now 14 and beautiful and love her. And we want to set her up for success. And her story's not adoption. She has all these siblings that have the story of adoption and what's happened to them.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

And hers

SPEAKER_02 25:26

is pretty run-of-the-mill, normal. And how will she get along with Rosie? Will they connect? They share a room. And of course, there's conflict sometimes. We've got to work through those.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Of course. But

SPEAKER_02 25:36

they've become so close. And I'm so glad because you always wonder how adoption is going to affect and how fostering kids is going to affect your children you already have. And so it's still to be seen. That story is still being written. I think... Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so now I get to, I'm trying to figure out how can I connect with them one-on-one? I want them to want to be around me. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00 26:48

we do. And I

SPEAKER_02 26:49

think when they're young, they want to be around you. But as they get older, they get their friends and they want to do things. And so I'm trying to think. So I'm taking Lyric to see one of her favorite country singers, you know, in Chattanooga in March. Oh, nice. I've taken Lily, who now is getting married in May, like I said. And then Rosie, who will be 17 in June. And then I'm taking Lyric this summer. I'll take from the JH Ranch when they are at the end of their 9th or 8th or 9th grade year 10th grade year I try to take them out there and spend a week with them at JH Ranch one on one daddy daughter for my son Levi who's now 19 I'm doing a work trip with Promise in March I'm going to take him out with me to Montana and go skiing I'm just trying to find one on one ways you know and then my little kids love Toby Mac so we're going to I'm taking two of them to see Toby Mac in February so it's just one can I do to connect and love and you know spend one-on-one time and yeah

SPEAKER_00 27:46

that's special yeah special let's come all the way back let's let's go all the way back to your dad so three to nine age three to nine you did not see him at all I did not see him at all. Now,

SPEAKER_02 27:59

I don't know if he called and checked. He could have called my mom and checked. I don't know. Do you know where he was? I think he was in North Carolina. I know for a stint he was in Virginia. And then even in his later in life, he was in some in Georgia. So I'm not sure, but I think he was in North Carolina.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

Yeah. Most of that. But he... Alcohol was the

SPEAKER_02 28:23

divider. Alcohol was the divider. And he had a hard story. I think some abuse growing up. And I think he had a hard story of being in a car accident when he was 17 or 18 and one of his good friends getting killed in that car accident and seeing being a part of that. And then the military. So he was born in the 30s and then went to... What was the 50s? Korea was in the 60s, 50s. No, Vietnam was in the 60s. It was Korea. Korea? Yeah, like that was kind of that era in the 50s when he was in the military. Probably saw some things that just exacerbated him trying to cover up all the hurt. Yeah. And I didn't know that then. So I don't know. I don't. When you're 14, 15, you don't know how to handle that. And he was never abusive, anything like that. It was just alcohol would overtake him, and he became more belligerent, just angrier. Yeah. He decided to choose that over family. He didn't know how else to cope. Fortunately, God gave me mentors. God saved me at 13. God put people in my life that could really share Jesus and here's hope. And even if I wasn't ready for that yet or wasn't mature enough, eventually I would get there. And I know he knew who Jesus was. I saw him in church one time in my entire life, and that was to see me in a Christmas play. So when I was nine or 10, he started coming back around and he came to see me in a Christmas play. But I don't know that he ever had anybody just sit down and try to disciple him. My mom couldn't do it. They were divorced and men. And so it just makes me realize men in the church need to be looking for those people that they probably wouldn't normally hang out with. Yeah. The people that might be struggling because they're afraid it's just going to be a lot of needs. Well, that's okay. We all have them. We all have them. Let's figure out who do we need to go to that we can really pour into. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I just think that I don't know where he was when he took his own life when I was 15. There was a hard... When I was 15, he called. This was right after Christmas. And he said... Hey, can I talk to Ty? He was talking to my mom. And at that point, just his sporadic behavior, you know, not inconsistency. Yeah. And I had become a believer and I was pretty uptight about everything. And I just didn't want to have anything to do with alcohol, you know, when I was early high school, 10th grade. And I just said, I don't want to talk to him. Well, that was like January 5th. And then January 7th or so of that year is when he committed suicide. So two days later, he took his own life. He had... He was living in Georgia, had came back to North Carolina, probably to see family, you know, and he was in a hotel. And I just think I look at that and I'm like, it's sad. I don't feel responsible for it because I didn't know. I mean, I wasn't in his mind. But I also feel like I wish that I had been mature enough to talk to him to try to be a loving person. person in his life that would say, hey, I know you're struggling. It's not okay to do this. This is wrong. Can't treat your family like this, but I love you. I'm not going to go anywhere. If someone had done that to him, I wonder what would have been different. And we all need to be loved when we're at our worst. And I keep thinking about that. I want to be loved when I'm my worst. And I think about my amazing wife like I have not been easy to live with. I'm sure there are so many things, but she has loved me. She has been my cheerleader. I mean, it makes me cry just because she just believes in me, and I just love her so much for that. Even if she didn't, she's a person to be loved, but I just... She doesn't have to do anything for me to love her. I just love her.

SPEAKER_01 32:54

Yeah. And I think

SPEAKER_02 32:55

if someone had done that to him, and when they do it to us, it pushes us to be better. Right. It pushes us to want to like, I can work through this. And that's what Jesus does. That's what he's on the sideline doing. But anyway, my wife got me all of her clamps. She's amazing. But she's the glue that holds our family together. There's no... That's awesome. Besides the Lord. Yeah. She just... She is a strong, steady parent so naturally, just the way you should parent. She's just a good, steady, easygoing parent. And I'm like, what are they doing? And she's just so calm. But anyway, to say that. This may not be where you're headed, but I feel like God started calling me into the ministry in high school. So I really knew in high school that God was going to call me. I knew I needed to be in ministry. Went to undergrad, then went up to Wheaton for grad school, Wheaton College in Chicago. Yeah. Through lack of a couple jobs at churches, I ended up here in Atlanta at Perimeter Church for 15 years. What year was that? 1998. 1998. Right after the Olympics. Yep, right after the Olympics. Ended up working at Perimeter Church for 15 plus years in their children's ministry, birth through sixth grade, helping develop. A lot of that, especially the sixth grade ministry, doing retreats and discipleship. And some of those guys that I had in discipleship that were in middle school then, now I get to go back and officiate their weddings. I'm working out now. One just had his third baby, and he's like, can you come baptize my little girl? So I'm going to go over to Lake Oconee and baptize his little girl. And it's so cool. The fruit of that, even though I don't work at a church anymore, is just ongoing of all these kids. Incredible. You know? And so I was there for 15 years, loved it. I thought I would actually retire working on staff at Perimeter.

SPEAKER_00 34:57

Yeah, I guess church was growing. Church was

SPEAKER_02 34:59

growing. Healthy. I mean, it is just– I can't say enough good things about Perimeter Church and what it's meant in my life. But it was going really well. And then Andy Cook, CEO of Promise 686, who you just

SPEAKER_00 35:16

interviewed,

SPEAKER_02 35:17

called me out of the blue. And this was in November– of 2013 and said, hey, we got a position that I'd like for you to look at. Would you be willing to talk about it? And so... We began a discussion that lasted from November until I left staff in March. So it was a four-month-long process of talking through. But at that point, God had called me. We were fostering, my wife and I. We were in this world. I was adopted. I had that story, all the things. And it just kind of lined up with where Promise was headed, that we mobilize churches to get in this space of vulnerable children. We want to mobilize churches and really equip them to do the work. And so So in March of 2014, I left staff at Perimeter, came over to Promise. That's been almost 11 years ago. And most of those years, I was recruiting churches, recruiting other organizations to work with us, shepherding those relationships. Yeah. you know, whatever I needed to do. But in this last year, we reassigned some positions and redid our staff. And I'm the VP of engagement, and I'm over all of fundraising. And I am loving it. I thought when we regrouped and redid, I'm like, okay, I can do this, but I'm kind of scared, and I'm still scared. Every day, I'm like, are we going to make budget? Because there's such a relational piece to it. I get to do this a lot. I'm not talking about the podcast piece. I'm talking about I get to sit with people I love. I sit with people that get to hear their stories, and if they don't give a cent, I'm okay with it. I want them to just be heard. I want them to feel safe. I want them to share literally secrets that they can feel free from. You know what I'm trying to say? Like, oh, I'm loved. He's not just after my money, and I really mean that. I am not just after their money. I want their hearts. And if God leads them to give, that's great. That's awesome. I love it. I can't dictate that, but that's kind of where I am. So God's thrown me in that position. It's been really cool to watch. He's just, here I am. Here I am doing this.

SPEAKER_00 37:39

Let's talk a little bit about Promise 686. Give us an overview. I like the word you mentioned, vulnerable. What is the organization about? When you started, what were you doing with Promise 686? What were you recruited for, basically, by Andy? How did you grow in the organization? Let's unpack all that.

SPEAKER_02 38:01

Yeah, so Promise 686, it started in 2009 out of Perimeter Church, became a nonprofit in 2009. Tim and Amy Ryder, amazing couple, just had a heart to see the church mobilize around Adoption at first, like how can we help people with the limitations of adoption, mostly financial? How can we give adoption grants, that kind of thing? How can we help mentor adoptive couples, move them towards that? That was great. 2013, it expanded to where now let's equip churches to... help the foster families in their congregations, put care communities around them, pray with them, give them support. You know what I mean? Like bring meals, babysit. What can they do? Right. And so they had probably, and I hope this is right. It's been a while since I read our history, but I think it's around eight churches in Gwinnett County that said, hey, we'll work with you. You teach us, help us launch a ministry, which now we call a family advocacy ministry.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

But

SPEAKER_02 39:06

it's, help us launch this ministry in our church where we can mobilize volunteers around foster families, these care communities, six to eight people coming around a foster family for a year to help them because 50% of those who foster will stop after the first placement or the first year because it is hard. But if you have support, if you have support of people coming around you, praying for you, bringing you meals, babysitting, mentoring your kids, just supporting you in some way. We had a lady when we were fostering, Nancy Klein. I hope you're listening to this. We love you. Nancy Klein, we would set our laundry out on our porch. She would come pick up our laundry, do our laundry, and bring it back. Can you imagine what that's like when you have Five, six, seven kids. It was such a gift. You know what I mean? Was that through promise? She wasn't on our official care community. We had an official care community, but she just did it because she did it. But I think about that's what we're training churches to do. Come around these. This is hard for these families. So that's what it's about is supporting the family. It's supporting families and not just... Foster families, but birth families. Think about families who are in crisis who may love their children, who... They're not neglecting them. They're not abusing them, but they're in a hard way. And if a church can come around them and help them, maybe they supply a bed for a child who doesn't have a mattress. Maybe they tutor a child who's just struggling at school. Maybe they turn the lights on for someone who's maybe lost their job and needs their electricity kept on. That gives that person a desire to keep going. And they, then you keep children out of care, you know? Uh, and then if you can put a team around that family who continues to love them, builds relationship, it's all about relationship. Yeah. Uh, then you really do go the extra mile. And I feel like promise we've, we have an amazing creative team, um, led by John Stein, who you probably should have on this podcast. Who's written a book. It's amazing. Uh, but anyway, she, she writes our curriculum, she and her team and that curriculum is used all over the country and And it's simple. They train the church champions, what we call advocates, to lead the ministry. It is really just them teaching them how to train their church to do it. And then we coach them. They just have ongoing coaching sessions where they can equip these people so they keep going and not give up. I think that it's easy to pull people in, but if you don't keep coaching them and showing them, much like discipleship, you're going to stop. You're going to give up. But we want to keep that relationship going with the churches so we can keep helping

SPEAKER_00 41:56

them. What's the state of the foster... world right now? Is there anything going on at the government level? Is it a mess? Is

SPEAKER_02 42:09

it improving? I think that's a great question. I don't think I know enough right now with especially the changes in leadership with President Trump coming in. I know he did some great things back when he was president the first time, so I'm excited to see what happens. I know this. Here's some stats. We have about 400,000 children in foster care in the United States right now. We have about 23,000 of those children will age out of foster care without having been adopted or finding a forever home. So you've got 23,000. Once they turn 18, they age out. Where do they go? And that's what we would love. We're trying to get more involved in that with training churches. What can we do? Can we... Jonna and her team now are writing curriculum around putting a care community around those youth who are aging out. Wouldn't that be amazing? Oh, my gosh. To teach them how to budget, to maybe teach them how to do a job interview. What does that look like? And so... That's really a need. Some other statistics we're trying with the work we're doing to really bring down is that 70% of those youth who are trafficked once spent time in foster care. So they're such a vulnerable population. So when they age out or they get towards that, someone comes around them thinks they can trust them and then they're pulled into trafficking. 65% of inmates in most states spent time or aged out of foster care. 71% of girls who age out of foster care will become pregnant within the first year of aging out. So when they age out, they go, where do they go? Georgia is one of the few states, which I love about Georgia. You have to sign yourself out of foster care. Until they're 21, if I'm not mistaken, they have some services that Georgia will help them with, some educational services, some monetary services, some help. So if they don't want that, they have to literally go sign themselves. Sign a paper. Yeah, sign a paper. I don't want this. I'm out. Which I love that because it at least helps them, gives them some helps they need. Some states, once you turn 18, if I'm not mistaken, you're out. And so, you know, you need, there's just so much help. Think about it. When I was 18, I didn't know anything. I mean, I went to college and I'm so thankful that God provided that. But I look and I'm like, oh my goodness, if I had to just be turned out into the world, but I didn't have a family behind me, you couldn't do it. And that's why we believe the church, if we can equip churches to love these kids well, you know, Put teams around them to really help them. Could you imagine some of the trajectories that would be changed, the lives that would be changed? And so I think the state of foster care, there are less foster children now in Georgia than there used to be. When I started Promise, I think there was like 14,000 or 15,000. It's probably around 11,000 now, which looks good. But the truth is, the goal is to try to get as many children children in kinship placements as, as they can. They would like to get 60% of them in a kinship. So someone that's related to the child. Okay. Taking care of that child.

SPEAKER_00 45:31

Anybody. It

SPEAKER_02 45:32

could be aunt, uncle, cousin, you know, anything like that. Sometimes that's great. You know, you hope that's a great situation. Sometimes they're dealing with the same dysfunctions that the other family member is. They're just moved from one dysfunction to the next. It's, it depends on the circumstance.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

Sometimes like foster care might be better.

SPEAKER_02 45:50

Yeah. Sometimes they could, but, and that's why we want to prepare the church. You, you know, we, we say the church, we want the church to speak into the prevention space. How can you prevent children from coming into care? How can you surround people, vulnerable families with help so that their children can stay at home and not have to go

SPEAKER_01 46:08

into care?

SPEAKER_02 46:09

Yeah. And that was some of that meeting physical needs, forming a relationship around them, helping them through hard times. And then when they, and also to intervene when they do go into care, because some kids do need to be in foster care. Yeah. Yeah. But when that can't happen, we want church people, people who love Jesus, to be adoptive resources. So you're connecting into the life of that child. Got it. Wow. So there's prevention, intervention, and connection. Prevention, intervention, and connection. And that's what we want to train the church. to be the hands and feet of Jesus within those areas. Now, some churches will have ministries that speak to all those areas. Some will pick one specific thing that they're doing. It doesn't matter. We just want a church to get involved. And so that advocate at the church is who we're pouring into so that they can lead the ministry. Who is that person typically in a church? Or is it a board? Usually we prefer there's two people. It could be a husband-wife team. It could be two best friends. It could be two ladies, two guys. It doesn't matter. Whoever feels called up to this, we just want to pour into them and encourage them and equip them and just walk them through each step of how to build this ministry, how to help that church, how to mobilize the congregation, how to have an awareness event.

SPEAKER_00 47:56

That's

SPEAKER_02 47:56

so cool. What does that look like? How do you get people aware of the space so that they want to get involved?

SPEAKER_00 48:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:01

And so we train them in those areas.

SPEAKER_00 48:03

So what makes someone an orphan... Do they have to be in foster care? I

SPEAKER_02 48:12

think orphan's a buzzword. Is it something we stay away from? We try to stay away from the word orphan as best we can. It's okay. It's okay because, honestly, we're all orphans. Don't we need a Savior? Don't we need a Father? We all have an orphan spirit in us because of the fall and sin and all that. I think what makes someone... vulnerable is that they don't have the basic life needs like food, shelter, someone loving them, those types of things. When those things are pulled out from under you, you become vulnerable because you where's your security? You know, if you can't eat, I mean, well, you know, think about, you'll do anything to get food in your belly. If you can't have a, if you don't have a warm and safe place to sleep, if you have an abuser or someone where you, you know, you can't sleep well, you're not going to function well. If you don't have love, if you don't know someone's loves you, love changes so much. And when you know you're loved, you can about conquer anything. You know what I mean? And so whether that love comes from God or from, you know, somebody else God's the most important that you learn but we need to feel loved and when you don't feel all those things that's when I feel like we get the trajectory of people going into care trying to you know and it's just hard and that's why those aging out of foster care it's so important that we surround them with those things so they can feel the security and they're going to have dysfunctions and they're going to have you know trauma that's shaped them but none of that is is life-ending. Do you know what I'm trying to say? You can work through those things. If you are loved enough and you are trained and people stick with you, you're going to learn a new

SPEAKER_00 50:01

way. How about it? Gosh, that's incredible. Okay, so now I see the time between the vulnerability, so you're not getting your needs met, and the staggering number of of kids who are trafficked because they're offered some kind of solution to one of the needs, Matt. Okay. All right. Silly. This is going to be crazy question, but I've asked this literally for years. Why doesn't A giant mall get taken over by a rich person and build it into a huge hotel that could take all these kids in. So it's not a state-run program or a federal-run program. This is couch money that... Elon Musk would lose? What would it be? A billion

SPEAKER_02 50:49

dollars? Let me make sure I understand. So you mean like a giant mall and there's these places they could live and stay and someone would be like the house parent?

SPEAKER_00 50:55

Call it a huge hotel. Since it's so bad and these foster stories, I can't even stomach some of them. They have it so terrible. Why is there not a big place where money, private, that's what I'm looking for, where it can be privately owned and they've got a place to live in dignity and this whole thing can happen instead of being left to the state or the local government or the federal government, which is going to be a disaster. It could be more of, I'm not saying a Ritz Carlton, but there's a middle ground.

SPEAKER_02 51:32

So let me ask you this. If you're about to make a milkshake and you put in that milkshake, let's say you put a scoop of dirt and then you put a scoop of, Yeah. Right. Think about that. You're putting all these traumas, different things together. They can't thrive because they're going to... It's almost going to be like Lord of the Flies. And I'm not saying that all group homes, all those things are bad, but you are combining all of that into one home. And that's why when you're a foster parent, it's really only good to have one family or one child. You know what I'm trying to say? Like... you want to keep siblings together as much as you can. So bring that family in or one child. You don't want to have a child from this family. It's fostering a child from this family. It needs fostering. You bringing all that together is hard. You know what I mean? Like they're, they're living their trauma. You got another trauma on top of that. Yeah. And it's like a milkshake of mush and it just causes more trauma. And so, but if you can put them in a loving home where there's a mom and preferably a dad, you know, mom and dad together, sometimes there's some healthy single people that are great foster parents. So don't hear me saying you can't be single and foster if you can. But preferably a mom and dad. And they're seeing the healthiness of that. And they're seeing siblings that... are trying to hold them accountable and love them well. And they're not having to mix all their trauma with everybody else's trauma. Do you know what I'm trying to... Oh, that's so well put. There's a place of growth and a place that can happen, whether it be a sibling set or a single child. And that's why those scenarios that you talked about, which I love the thought of, it would be really hard because you're wanting to... you're trying to really love that child where they are with their trauma. And to do that in a mass way with everybody, it would be so hard.

SPEAKER_00 53:40

That's very well put. Okay, that makes a lot of sense. So I'd be curious if somebody comes in, if somebody comes into the system as a newborn, they get handed over as a newborn, what percentage go from newborn to... aging out. I hope that's small.

SPEAKER_02 53:58

I would hope that's small. I don't know the percentage. That's a great question. I don't know if I've ever been asked that question. That's a really good question, Jeff. That is terrifying. I'm sure it has happened. I don't know the story. I know a couple of stories where children have been in foster care for six and eight years, loved well, and then returned to their birth families after they've You know, because they never got adopted, the court never saw fit that they should be adopted or didn't decide that they should be adopted. They kept giving the birth parents chance after chance, I'll be honest. And then they've been returned to those birth families. I can't imagine that as a foster parent. Uh, I know God will use that. I'm sure he will use that on the child and the foster parent, but that would be, I would be devastating. I remember when we were our nine year old, who's now nine, Millie was three or four. Her mom was starting, her birth mom was starting to get her act together. And, uh, and she was clean at the time. And I thought, oh no, we've had her three years now. at this point almost, and they may return her to the mom. And I remember literally staying up all night one night because I couldn't sleep. I was so worried. And I'm not... Her mom is made in the image of God. We love her. We would sit down with her right now. My wife has loved her well. She's communicated her through all the years, all that. But the scary part is... Her mom was so new in her recovery. We didn't know. Was the mom around unhealthy people? Is the mom doing what she should? Should she not do? Will she be safe? To think that this little girl who is your daughter could be unsafe, I couldn't. It was killing me. And a beautiful story about that is we had to do a sack eval with the mom and Millie. And I showed up early. I don't even know why I showed up early to this psyche vow. Because we had to do it, my wife and I and Millie and the birth mom. And I was by myself. The birth mom showed up early too, which we weren't even sure she was going to show up. And God allowed us to sit in a waiting room together. And I talked to her. I said, hey, I just want you to know how much we love you. your daughter. And I know we've adopted two of your children. We are not trying to steal your children. We want you to have your children, if that's God's will. We believe that you're creating the image of God. I just remember talking to her and I said, but if you ever feel like that you would want her to live with us, just know we would love her well. If you want to see her, we would try to make ways for you to see her. And if you ever want to do that and just sign her over to us, We would love that. Nothing more was said. That was in February. I think it was like April 1st. So we were still waiting. Will she go back? Will she not? April 1st. DFACS DHS Department of Family and Children Services called us and said hey I just want you to know she just walked in and signed her over to you guys so six weeks later I don't know if that conversation had anything to do with that but the rest of my life I'll be so thankful that I showed up early you know for something because I've had my sweet nine year old daughter you know and I'm not I just I'm so thankful that mom did that for us

SPEAKER_00 57:38

wow what a

SPEAKER_02 57:39

what a sacrifice you know and so I I love. our children's birth mom because she's trying to love them well, making hard decisions, you know? So hard. Yeah. And that you have three of their...

SPEAKER_00 57:51

I have

SPEAKER_02 57:51

four of her. We have four of her children.

SPEAKER_00 57:52

Four of hers. What is... What is... They get... DFACS gets involved when it's bad stuff happening? When

SPEAKER_02 58:01

they feel the child is being abused, neglected, they're homeless, like if they don't have a home to go to. I mean, you can be removed from your home if you don't have a bed to sleep in or food. You know what I mean? And so... That's why we want to get into the prevention space because if children... who don't have food or don't have a bed, but they're really loved. They're just on hard times. How can we help this family? You know what I mean? How can we come around them, the church, to let them stay there, but get them a bed, get them food. The church can provide

SPEAKER_00 58:32

those things. Can somebody just donate a bed? Can't we have a Facebook for adoption?

SPEAKER_02 58:37

Actually, there's a tool that we work with here in Georgia. We're one of the implementers called Care Portal, and they put needs out every day, a county DFACS or whatever. or a county agency or a child placing agency will put a need out and say, hey, I need a bed for this child. And then churches are meeting those needs all the time. So we have a system for that.

SPEAKER_00 58:57

There is. Yeah. Okay. I get those. It comes in either critical. They're critical. Low sometimes. You can

SPEAKER_02 59:03

perimeter church. Our church is on that. So if you want to be on that team, each church has a response team. So you get to sign up to receive those emails and then that team can choose if they want to meet that need or not.

SPEAKER_00 59:14

I've seen. Okay. So I didn't know you guys are involved with that. Yeah. We're one of the

SPEAKER_02 59:18

state implementers here

SPEAKER_00 59:19

in Georgia for that. It'll say like hard times. Mom is in a hotel now.

SPEAKER_02 59:24

Need.

SPEAKER_00 59:25

And

SPEAKER_02 59:25

that's helping those.

SPEAKER_00 59:26

One month of rent paid at a hotel or something like

SPEAKER_02 59:29

that. Yeah. Those are, those are a lot of those are prevention, like to keep those children from going into care. Do they get

SPEAKER_00 59:35

utilized? Yeah. Like we,

SPEAKER_02 59:37

yeah, like they do. We really, we, we want to see that more and more. The real change comes when you get in relationship with the family. So meeting a need is great. Like, We're not knocking that. But if a church, that's why we want to equip the church to not just meet that need, but go back and take them a meal. Go back and check on them. Pull them into a relationship because then you're going to see real change. Yeah. Incredible.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:04

Challenging. It's hard to talk through. Yeah, there's so many stories. It reminds me of the brain surgeon that I had on for some reason. It's just one of those things you want to just put in a corner and not look at it. It's so much easier to not do this episode. It really is because there's

SPEAKER_02 1:00:23

so much yuck with it. But if we don't get in the... We have to get in it. I just think about Jesus. Jesus was always in the yuck. Yeah. He hung out with tax collectors. He was sitting with the sinners. He was sitting with the tax collectors. That's what the people hated on. Right. And I think about... I'm always telling my kids, I really do, like, who could you look at in the lunchroom that's sitting by themselves or kind of outcast? And I'm like... That's who Jesus would sit with. But yet, even in our society, we want to be with the cool. We want to be with the good looking and the rich. And I'm like, oh man, Jesus would not, this

SPEAKER_00 1:00:56

would not be what he would want. That's the outsides and the insides. So when we were talking about that a couple minutes ago, the outsides and the insides, I jotted something down. I act superior. I heard this in the same book. I act superior because I feel inferior. I love that quote. There's another way to put that. I love that quote. That was a personal growth journey that I had to get involved with. That's a great quote. I surrender every single morning on my knees, and that's one of the things I surrender to. I

SPEAKER_02 1:01:33

need to hear that. I think my wife

SPEAKER_00 1:01:35

actually shared that quote with me a while back. I am so this or so that. It could be good or bad. But the point is I'm showing the world how superior I am. I've got this and I've done this and I'm this.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:52

That's the edge I walk on is having reputation as my idol. I can so see that. Even in parenting or whatever, I act superior because I feel inferior. Isn't that incredible? It's so true.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:06

And it is the trauma. The reality is I'm lonely and I'm empty. That's really good. That's the real truth. And that's... Thus, the need

SPEAKER_02 1:02:19

for... That kind of sums up a book I'm reading right now called The Men We Need. The Men We Need. I'm trying to remember who wrote it. Oops.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:31

Sorry, guys. Oh, that's fine. You're good. The Men We Need. The Men We Need. I'm going on to

SPEAKER_02 1:02:37

buy that one just now. And it is by... Brant Hansen, B-R-A-N-T, H-E-N-S-E-N, Brant Hansen. Actually, I got it from my son's school. They did a father-son retreat, the Anvil Academy, and they gave it free to us. And that book is incredible. He's coming on too, Anvil Academy. Oh, you will love Andy Culp. He's going to be amazing. He's just amazing. But anyway, it's talking about that. As men, you know... we act superior because we feel inferior because we're just trying to cover. It doesn't use that exact quote, but just the whole was really good. The mask. Yeah, the mask. But

SPEAKER_00 1:03:22

it's not one mask. I have different masks in different groups. Oh. Some groups I can't feel superior because they're all much more whatever it is. They're much more successful in business than I am. So I find a different mask to put on. Now I put on my, you know, government mask. Well, I did this and none. I got to always like be a lone wolf. Why am I cooler and different than you? And that's just getting into that dangerous, dangerous superiority cycle. And the reality is, I like this phrase. All I am is another bozo on the bus. Amen. I was getting ready to just say literally what this makes me realize.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:05

I'm just this country kid from North Carolina. We all are. Literally. We all are. If you saw where I grew up in the hometown, I had a nice little house and all that, but I'm talking about it is nothing and how where God takes you and how he does, and not that I'm doing anything important, but just if we just sit back and let him... be our renown and our reputation he works it out

SPEAKER_00 1:04:28

it doesn't matter what people think 13 houses and 27 gardens we're all just another garden we're garden variety garden variety I love that you're a tomato

SPEAKER_02 1:04:43

because we're all going to do this we're all going to be born we're all going to die and we're all going to face the judgment it's who you know who you get to know in between we're born we die we face the judgment That is it. No other guarantees. It doesn't matter if you're a billionaire. You could be Jeff Bezos or you could be poor bum on the street like the one you saw at Waffle House. But you're just all the same. You're just all the same. We all have to answer to Jesus. That's the question. Do you know him? Is he your father? Has he redeemed you? And if he has, everything else is going to Work out.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:24

It's all small stuff.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:26

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and everything else will be added unto you. Matthew 6, 33. When we seek Him, everything else falls into place. Oh,

SPEAKER_00 1:05:37

man. That's awesome. This has been so, so good. So let me ask you a couple questions about you now.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:44

Who's Ty? So we talked about all these other things, right? All great things. Who are you away from all this? Do I find you when you're not parenting, when you're not at Promise 686, raising funds and all that stuff? What do you like? You know who I am, what I love? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:13

I just love... simple I grew up on a little farm we had it wasn't a we didn't make money from our farm it was recreational I had a pony growing up I had cows and chickens and pigs and I literally fifth grade year I had to go slop the pigs before I'd go to school get on the bus at school so I'd slop the pigs and I remember one day I left my barn boots on and I had to wear them to school and I was mortified

SPEAKER_01 1:06:37

because I'm like I have to wear

SPEAKER_02 1:06:38

these nasty boots and I called my mom and she goes nope I'm not bringing you new shoes you can wear those all day barn boots I love it which you should have but it It was, that's the kind of, it sounds crazy, but you know, in this, in the area we live in, it's so wealthy and I'm just a normal guy that likes, I just like being outside. I would love to have a, I'd love to have a little five acre, 10 acre farm and, Outside of town, that's where I live. I've got my animals I'm messing with. I don't mind mowing the lawn. I like that kind of stuff. I like simple. I'm not built for complex. I mean, if you gave me a million dollars or a billion dollars, I'd be like, I'd probably invest the most of it, give a lot of it away, and then just buy this little farm.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:32

Yeah, simple.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:34

That's me. I love to read. When I have time, if my wife and I just get away for the weekend, we like to read. We like to go antiquing. We like to just explore. Oh, cool. Antiquers, that's great. And my wife loves horses. She volunteers at a therapeutic horse barn, and she just loves horses. So I try to find things that she likes. Even if I don't like it, I want her to feel.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:56

Yeah. Is it up in Milton by chance?

SPEAKER_02 1:07:59

It's close. Yeah, it's Milton, kind of Milton, Woodstock area. Yeah, because I know a guy who does that up there. Well, I can't think of the name of the horse farm. I wouldn't know the name if I heard it, but I can ask. Yeah. Anyway, she loves it. She's up there.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:13

No, I saw on Facebook a little, oh, it was a while ago, but you did one of those like crazy races. Yes. Like the insane, insane ones.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:21

So this has been cool. For many years while we were fostering and adopting, I don't know why we did this, but my wife and I felt like we were too much because we had so many kids and we kind of pulled back from community. Worst decision we ever made. We were lost. Lonely, we just almost died, shriveled on the vine. And about four years ago, somehow, by the grace of God, we were able to go to Pine Cove Family Camp. And at Pine Cove Family Camp, it's here in South Carolina, we met two or three other couples, and they all... go to Perimeter Church, Perimeter School, and we just locked in and became community. And now there's five couples, us and four other couples, that we have just lived life with the last four or five years. Our kids are friends. Some of them, we will have dinners together. We five couples meet once a month and do just hang out and talk about our marriages and

SPEAKER_01 1:09:25

where we are.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:27

But it has been life-giving. And so I would say... That's been just such a sweet God saying, I see you. I know you need community. Here it is. You know, that kind of thing. And so I just feel like if you're doing this work or if you're in something hard, find community. People... bring you life especially those who are going to point you to jesus yeah and these guys are all you know praying for me i'm praying for them we were texting yesterday what we could pray for each other about and we'll get in hard seasons like there's some hard things marriages are hard sometimes and parenting's hard and they've walked my wife and i through you know just all sorts of parenting things you know and us them and yeah it's been so sweet and i i don't know where my our mind was in thinking we could do this without community But now that we have that, I will never go back.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:21

Now, what did you all do? You physically removed yourself? Did you move far out?

SPEAKER_02 1:10:25

I think we don't live right here around Johns Creek. We're in more of the Cummings, South Forsyth area. I think we were just underwater because we had three newborns within months. three or four years, like literally, you know? And I think when people see large families coming, they're like, what if we don't have enough food or how are they going to mess up our house? And not everybody's like that, but you know, you've got to, it's just, we were a lot. And I think we just hunkered down and trying to get through it. And we were just having some hard seasons. And I think we would have had great community that loved us. Well, we just didn't. take advantage of it we didn't try to seek it out yeah and i think god knew we were shriveling on the vine and he just dropped pine cove and pine cove was the catalyst to make all that happen and so we still go every year our kids they would give up a trip to hawaii if we told i hear that to go to pinecone i hear it's better than disney they're like we no matter what we do we will that's our family vacation if that's what we choose then we'll do pinecone yeah It's so cool,

SPEAKER_00 1:11:31

man. It's amazing. All right, two things I want to touch on and then we'll wrap it up is I want to talk about books that I know you mentioned one, The Men We Need. Books that have come in and out of your life, whether they're on that shelf that gets read once a year, just if you have some favorites there. And then I want to talk about just general tips that you would have. Right. So it could be, we can say to the kids out there who are watching this, who know they're going to have kids one day, this could be to the pregnant couple right now. that's about to have their first. This could be to me who's got four of my own, two, four, six, and eight. This could be to somebody who, I don't know, maybe has a huge family like yours. We'll sort of break it up. Any other books?

SPEAKER_02 1:12:25

Yes, there are a couple books that have followed me my life. I would say first and foremost, and I'm not trying to be, I could not live without the Bible. Like, I need it. And we need different versions. So last year I read the ESV. This year I'm reading the New Living Translation. It just, I need, it toils it up, you know, tills it up, I mean, and just helps me. So the Bible, but there's a couple of books. When I was in college, I read a book called How to Listen to God by Charles Stanley.

UNKNOWN 1:12:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:56

And Charles Stanley died last year, but I grew up listening to him, First Baptist Atlanta. As a kid, my family always had him on on Sunday mornings. But regardless whether you're Baptist or not, that book really has stuck with me for 30, 40 years of when God is moving in your life, here are some things to look for. Here's how he's speaking to you. And truly, a lot of what he talks about, how you'll have an unsettledness in your spirit. He will do cluster things where you keep hearing the same theme. Different things he talks through, and I'm like... That's how God does do that. So that book. A second book was by Tim Keller, Counterfeit Gods. I read that in 2010. And I dare say that's really what catapulted me into the career I have now. I was on staff at the church, loved Perimeter, thought I would just be a pastor my whole life, do my thing. And God started giving me this opportunity. like a holy restlessness, you know, what

SPEAKER_01 1:13:56

there's

SPEAKER_02 1:13:57

something I'm, where are you calling me to? And then, uh, a cool story is that was 2010, three years later, that was May of 2010. Then I read that book in May of 2013. That's still, I was still on staff at perimeter. I was sitting in church in the balcony, uh, And God said, you should talk to Promise 686. Now, he almost said it like I'm talking to you. Like, it was that clear. It was not. Nobody had said that to me. Nobody had done anything. I knew about Promise 686, but it's like he said in that... that's one of those things where I knew God was speaking. And he said, you should talk to Tim and Amy Ryder, Promise 686. I wrote it on my, you know, the thing they used to give out at Perimeter, the paper thing where it had all the sermon notes, whatever. Yeah, the bulletin. The bulletin. I wrote it on my bulletin, showed it to my wife, and she's like, what? I met with Tim and Amy Ryder, and within a year I was on staff at Promise 686. So... Those types of things just counterfeit, you know, how God, so how to listen to God, counterfeit gods. And then probably, and besides the Bible, I'd probably say there's a book about the life of Rich Mullins, who was a contemporary Christian singer. I grew up with him. He died in 1997, but he's written some amazing songs. It's called An Arrow Pointing to Heaven, and I think the author is James Bryan Smith. Arrow? An Arrow Pointing to Heaven. In Rich Mullen's life, he is one of those people who made millions because his songs were sang by everybody. He wrote... He only allowed them to give him... a basic salary he said record company keep all the other money so he had all this money when he died like millions and he lived very simply he didn't have I mean he lived on an Indian reservation he just wanted to be the hands and feet of Jesus his life is amazing he's like a modern day I don't know like someone who would just go off to the convent but just loved Jesus so much that he gave up all the worldly things just

SPEAKER_01 1:16:13

to

SPEAKER_02 1:16:15

live it and you hear the song Awesome God our God is an awesome God

SPEAKER_01 1:16:19

he wrote that so

SPEAKER_02 1:16:21

he's written a lot of songs that you know but just Just his life, that's a great book. And that book's really just one of my favorites.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:29

I'll be buying them all today. I love it. All right, that's five great books you left us with. Let's talk about some tips.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:36

Okay. Tips. I always feel uneasy about this part because I'm still learning and growing and trying to figure out...

SPEAKER_00 1:16:46

Or failures. Or

SPEAKER_02 1:16:49

failures. I would say... I'm trying to think of the wording. When my mom passed away, God rest her soul, love her, there are so many things that she quotes that she would give me growing up that came to my mind. And I'm sitting here trying to think of all those. And one thing she used to say is, this is so funny, she would say, to your own self be true. What is really true? You know, we know that's from Shakespeare, I think. But to thine own self be true. And she's really saying, don't be something you're not. Be your authentic self, even in a mess, even when people don't like it. Even if it's wrong, God's going to correct you. God's going to help you learn. And so who are you really? Like, who is Jeff? Like... Don't try to be something you're not. Just be you. And I know that sounds so cliche and simple, but... I've got a Southern accent. I'm not going to try to hide it.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:01

The

SPEAKER_02 1:18:02

other day I was texting with Andy, and we were talking about a concert. And I said, well, I've got my plaid shirt on because I know it's a country concert. And he goes, you were born country. Andy Cook, my boss. And I'm like– at first I was like, okay. Right. But I'm like, no, he's really right. I'm proud to be country. I'm proud to be Southern. I'm proud to– I mean, but people try to hide things to look more a certain way. And I'm just– I just don't want to do that in life. I want to be me. I think secondly is don't react, respond. So much in parenting, in marriages, in the world, we react because we feel like we want to posture ourselves because we want people to... treat us a certain way or whatever, and we take it personally. Well, my kid did this. They were personal with it. My wife said this. She really means she doesn't. And so we get angry. We kind of bow up like a little

SPEAKER_00 1:18:58

rooster.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:00

And I've learned that when I react like that, it always ends poorly. It always ends with me either misinterpreting something, me hurting someone that could be

SPEAKER_00 1:19:11

Yeah. You

SPEAKER_02 1:19:11

know, a hurt that lasts a long time.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:13

Or me saying something I wish I'd never said.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:16

And then, but if I can respond, sometimes what my kids need to do, they don't need the discipline right then. They need me to let them have their fit or be disrespectful. Yeah. And then I'm going to go back to them an hour or so later when they're mind because when we flip our lids you know when we literally there's a thing in our brain called our amygdala that flips it has to come down before you can talk again and so that is a physical truth and so when we our lids flip I used to my kids would flip their lids and I would flip mine wanting to correct them and I learned that You can't do that. It's just let them flip their lids, come back when they're calmer, and then you can have a conversation that really walks them through discipline and how to handle that. And if you need to enforce something that you're enforcing, you can do it then. But think about trying to talk to a kid whose lids flip. They're not going to hear it. Right. And so I think instead of react, respond and respond is you got to kind of read the moment and just step back.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:25

Yeah. It's so good. All right. Close on this part. What would you title this? What would you title your thumbnail? What's the title of your story just in your eyes? We just start up a lot of stuff. God's writing your story. Here's mine. Don't react. Respond to thine own self. Be true. The list goes on and on and on that we talked about. Vulnerability. The man we need. orphan, vulnerable, like so many words. What do you think your story is in five words?

SPEAKER_02 1:21:13

Oh, wow. That's such a great question. I literally ask a question similar to this. I learned it from a friend of mine, Jonna Stein. And she said, if you were to name your autobiography, what would it be? Oh, yeah. And I was trying to think what my autobiography would be. Let's get her on, Jonna Stein. I want to get her on here. Life is a vapor. Life is a vapor. Relationships are the only things that matter. And I'm not talking about just your life is, it's so quick. Like yesterday I was 10. I'm in my fifties now. I'm trying to, and it's, I maybe have 30 years left, maybe 40 if, if God lets me live long time and it's gone. And my relationships with my spouse, my sweet wife, my, my kids, you, my friends, that's what's eternal. You know what I mean? That will have eternal impact. Life is a vapor. Relationships is all that matters. Because it doesn't matter what house you live in. It doesn't matter what car you drive. Every bit of it. It doesn't matter how much money you have in the bank. You cannot take it with you. But what you can take with you is your relationship with Jesus and the impact you've had on other people.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:35

That's incredible. I never ask that question to anybody. This is episode 38 or 39, I think. Never asked it, and I'm going to start asking it now. So life is a vapor. Relationships are all that matter. That's your story. That's the tie, Brian, and that's the evidence in how you're living your life.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:55

I hope, and I'm doing it. I'm falling down, but I'll just keep

SPEAKER_00 1:22:59

getting back up. But you needed that time getting beat up, exiting community, checking out. to realize, hey, here's Pine Cove and here's my plan for you and this is my will for your life. Not

SPEAKER_02 1:23:13

isolation. Exactly. Right. Isolation's a killer. You isolate. Think of all the things that happen when we isolate. We sin more. We can't get it together. What's

SPEAKER_00 1:23:24

the opposite of addiction? The opposite of addiction, right? Yeah. The opposite of addiction is community. Okay. Because addiction is isolation. We live in our addictions when we're lonely. And I love this one. This is another good phrase. I treat my loneliness. So my medicine for my loneliness is isolation. That's me. That's my story and my own story. I love that. That's good. Well, dude, thank you, brother. I appreciate you. Phenomenal.