“I’m Fine (and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves)” How Emotional Intelligence Changes Everything

Ever feel the heat rise in a conversation and think, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now? We’ve been there. Today we take a fun detour through cereal nostalgia and land somewhere powerful: how emotional intelligence can turn tense moments into real understanding at home, in blended families, and on your team at work.

We start by grounding EI in simple terms—recognize, understand, manage—and show why order matters. You’ll hear how “I’m fine” blocks growth, why naming the exact emotion unlocks better choices, and how a quick perspective trick proves that two people can both be right depending on where they stand. We share our own missteps and the patterns that kept us stuck: smoothing over conflict, chasing peace at any cost, or assuming the other person should just know. Then we model phrases that shift the tone without diluting the truth, like “Help me understand what made you feel that” and asking for a little time when words aren’t ready.

You’ll also get a practical weekly practice: name it, ask why, then choose one step. It works whether the issue is a loaded dishwasher, a tight bank account, or a tough meeting. Along the way we highlight how humility fuels emotional growth, how blame stalls it, and how small language cues create safety so both sides can speak plainly. If you’re navigating marriage, co‑parenting, or leadership, these tools help you pause the spiral, find your footing, and move forward together with less static and more clarity.

If this resonates, tap follow, share the episode with a friend who loves real talk, and leave a quick review with the emotion you named this week. Your stories keep this community growing.

Transcript

Welcome And Community Shoutouts

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_05 0:07

And I'm Dennis, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

What's up, Baggage Claim? How's everybody doing out there? Thank you guys so much for uh giving us a try and listening to us. If this is your first time here, it's your first time here, thank you. I'm so excited. Grab your favorite drink, whatever that may be, pull up to the table with us, and we're gonna get into some uh some good discussion and conversations. Baggage Claim is a place where we hope to create some community and some conversations around relationships, marriages, and blended families and not blended families, just in relationships, whatever it may be. Yeah, just being a person. And so if you guys are a regular, thank you so much for being here, coming back, and you just keep coming back.

SPEAKER_05 0:59

And I I can't think about We have added more cities and more, literally more countries.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

We have since our last one. So we continue to grow just just to tease this out that I know probably you guys aren't as excited about this as we are. Okay, but uh this is episode 36. We're coming upon 50, and so we're gonna do something really fun for our uh 50th episode. We're not gonna share.

SPEAKER_05 1:23

We're hopeful. There's plans.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

There's plans out and we're gonna make it happen. Okay, do we gotta figure it out? So it's gonna be fun, and you guys will get to be a part of that. Just as this is my only teaser for we will have a live audience. And so and we'll do question answers, all kind of fun stuff.

SPEAKER_05 1:40

You know what I'm so excited about?

SPEAKER_00 1:42

What's that?

SPEAKER_05 1:43

So before each what'd you say?

SPEAKER_04 1:46

So say what are you excited about?

SPEAKER_05 1:47

Oh, okay. Um, before each episode, we do a clap, and we've talked about it before and how I giggle every time. So today I did not laugh. And so that's a momentous occasion because we're welcoming back a team member that's been on hiatus.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

She's been in rehab. No, I'm just kidding. She's not. She had a baby.

SPEAKER_05 2:08

Our daughter-in-law.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

Just say that. Let me say that. There's nothing wrong with rehab.

SPEAKER_05 2:13

Our daughter-in-law Miranda is back on the team. So, producer Michael, that's his title. Miranda, do you have a title?

SPEAKER_04 2:20

She left as the titles were starting to become official. So we'll put on you for her.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

No, no, no, no, no, not right now. No. It's gotta happen. Let it happen. So you're just trying to make it happen. It's gotta come naturally. I'm sorry, I'm trying to force it. Walk away from it.

SPEAKER_05 2:35

Miranda's back. So we're so excited about that. But she clapped us in and I didn't laugh. I didn't kill. I it's a big deal. Okay. It's a big deal.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Well, let's jump right into uh question 10. I forgot. So um right. Yeah, you're not doing a good job of singing, but go ahead.

SPEAKER_04 2:55

I like how when we first started, y'all told us that all of us had to sing that. And you had like the I'm the only one that's been singing.

SPEAKER_05 3:03

Because you are a professional singer still.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

That is different. You get paid to sing. We don't know about that. Question. Give me your question. Noted.

SPEAKER_05 3:11

My question is what's your favorite cereal?

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Ooh, gosh, I could go on about this.

SPEAKER_05 3:17

I know. I have two answers for for my own question.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Okay. Okay, give it to me.

SPEAKER_05 3:22

Okay. So regular, just like, I'm gonna eat a bowl of cere bowl of cereal. I feel like I'm gonna go frosted flakes.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Ooh. Okay. It's an everyday. What's your special occasion then?

SPEAKER_05 3:33

Special occasion is just go with me because you know how much I love peanut butter.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_05 3:38

And you know how much I love peanut butter toast, like I'm 12. A bowl of honey nut Cheerios with a piece of peanut butter toast.

SPEAKER_03 3:47

That actually sounds really good. That sounds so adulted, adult thing.

SPEAKER_05 3:51

But I've been I have been eating that that since I was little.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

My my like my everyday eater, if I'm gonna eat it everyday, honeycomb. I can eat an entire box of honeycombs.

SPEAKER_05 4:02

We used to buy how many boxes of the family size honeycombs when the kids were growing up? The giant suitcase size, and we would run out.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Now, for special occasion, yeah, like I'm gonna treat myself it's a captain crunch. But you can only eat so much because it makes it very captain crunch or like the OG straight.

SPEAKER_04 4:22

Okay, I can do it with that.

SPEAKER_05 4:23

I do though, okay. I'll add a third. I do like what you refer to as old lady cereal. The honey bunches of oats.

SPEAKER_04 4:29

Oh my god. Come on, grandma. I'm eating honey bunches of oats. There's actually a lot of cereals I can get down with.

unknown 4:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Jess used to eat this really crappy cereal. It was like kettlebells and it had these dried strawberries in it.

SPEAKER_05 4:42

No, I didn't do the strawberries. That was Cody.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

No, Cody started strip mining all your strawberries. He would get the box and all the dried strawberries out of it. He and I made a deal.

SPEAKER_05 4:52

He and I made a deal because I didn't love the strawberry part. I wanted the healthy part. And so I was, he was like, I'll eat the strawberry, the dried strawberry. Okay, if you wash your hands, we'll we'll you can.

SPEAKER_04 5:04

Okay, that works. Strawberries are healthy.

SPEAKER_05 5:05

I don't know. It just didn't feel like it was. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 5:08

Here's my thing, and this one's gonna be completely out there because like no one else likes this. But this was my grandfather's favorite cereal. Great. This is what I love.

SPEAKER_05 5:15

No. We talked about that? No.

SPEAKER_04 5:18

Grape nuts. Oh my god. Grape nuts.

SPEAKER_05 5:22

The blue sweetener, what's that equate?

SPEAKER_03 5:25

The chemical?

SPEAKER_05 5:27

The chemical sugar. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

It's the blue equal, yeah. Oh yeah, it's definitely grape.

SPEAKER_05 5:31

Equate is the uh Walmart brand of things, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04 5:34

I don't know, maybe. But that's like my nostalgia. I love it. That literally just makes me think of my grandfather.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Thinking about that deal.

SPEAKER_04 5:43

Yes, it is. A lot of fiber. Uh, but like my like all-time favorite is actually a mix of cereals. So you have to take golden crisps, which this is like an old school cereal. The only way you can get it now is like an off-brand at Walmart because like no one else makes it.

SPEAKER_05 6:00

Because they taste like graham crackers and they're so good.

SPEAKER_04 6:02

And you mix that with cocoa puffs.

SPEAKER_05 6:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 6:06

Cocoa. Like half and half, but cocoa puffs have to be on the bottom.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 6:10

So that it blends in the milk more. So you got chocolate milk by the end of the day.

SPEAKER_00 6:14

See, I don't like cereal that changes the color of milk. Oh, Cocoa Krispies. If you do that, that's where it's okay.

SPEAKER_05 6:21

Here's another place where y'all can make fun of me. When I eat cereal, I don't want the milk part. I just want the milk to get the cereal wet.

SPEAKER_04 6:28

Savagery.

SPEAKER_05 6:29

I know.

SPEAKER_04 6:29

That's like barbarianism.

SPEAKER_03 6:30

Yeah, you can't.

SPEAKER_05 6:31

I don't like milk. The milk is just purely for function.

SPEAKER_03 6:35

It's the essence of cereal. It is literally. Have you ever had cereal without milk?

SPEAKER_04 6:41

Yes. That's disgusting.

SPEAKER_03 6:42

Now, I mean, I'm not talking like if you're just like dry eating cereal.

SPEAKER_05 6:48

Oh no, I know what you're about to say. Oh. You didn't want to be clear.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

One time I wanted to have some cereal really, really bad. And we didn't have any meal. The only thing we had was water. Not we, me. I had water. Tell me you are a beer. Either way. So I poured the beer in the frosted flakes.

SPEAKER_05 7:08

No, I thought I thought it was Fruit Loops.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

No, I think it was Frosted Flakes.

SPEAKER_05 7:11

You ruined that.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

It was horrible. It was horrible. I mean, I think that's saying I was desperate, but I was it was horrible. Yeah. All right, Miranda, you didn't answer.

SPEAKER_03 7:21

What's your favorite cereal?

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Special K.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

Oh my gosh. That's what my grandma The berries. Berries kind. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Him and Nanny would have been great together. They were.

SPEAKER_05 7:31

You and Nanny were great together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

Special K.

SPEAKER_05 7:36

Yeah. Miranda and Nanny were great together.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

Remember Special K came out though? It had like the half-naked woman in like a Leotard or something.

SPEAKER_05 7:43

It wore a red bathing suit.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 7:45

That was so weird. And she was supposed to match the logo. The K is red. She was supposed to match that.

Teasers And Topic Pivot

Defining Emotional Intelligence

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Anyway. Interesting. All right. So I had a question, but we spent what's going on. Yeah, we're like almost eight minutes in. I think we're we'll do that next quick next time. This uh this would be my You should write down. Now I'm gonna just gonna tease the question out, and you guys will I'm gonna write a part of it down. Every time you use the restroom in public, do you make a nest or not? Absolutely. I don't want to start and talk about it. That's a yes or a no. No, it's not. And then my second part of that question was where is the most interesting place you've ever went to the restroom? So, with that being said, we're going to jump in. We're gonna dive into a uh a topic completely different from what we just talked about, and it's not even remotely close to the same. And and this topic's gonna be a little different for us too because we always have our unpack at the end. We're probably gonna unpack a lot as we go through this. So just bear with us, hang in there. Um I hope you guys, the the last thing, I hope you guys really participated in the uh, you know, take some time, take 10 minutes. Um and it could change your relationships, take some time. Uh, we talked about solitude, we talked about a lot of things, self-talk, all those about encouraging each other and saying things you like about yourself. I hope you guys participate in that. Please post those.

SPEAKER_05 9:09

We have I had a hard time with that.

SPEAKER_00 9:11

Oh, we know. We talked about that too. So make sure that you post those, let us know. We want to hear what you like about yourself. Brag on yourself a little bit. But with that being said, it kind of leads us into a topic that doesn't get a whole lot of um, I don't know, you guessing it all, it's getting more uh conversations, more books, more uh talks, more emphasis uh than than it has in the past. But I think it's a huge part of our relationships, um, and our personal ones and our professional ones and all of those, it's this idea of emotional intelligence. Um and when I say emotional intelligence, you may be like, what?

SPEAKER_05 9:52

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_00 9:53

What are you talking about? I mean, there's this there's uh a thing called Syria, you can ask her for the actual definition. But Michael, would you would you care to read us the actual official definition of what emotional intelligence is?

SPEAKER_04 10:10

The ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions and understand the influence of the emotion of others.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

That's a lot. That is a lot. So we're we're going to try and unpack that idea, that concept, and the idea of marriage and how that works in everyday life.

SPEAKER_05 10:34

While you were reading it, I was like, okay, what was the key word for me? But there there's a lot of key words in that.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

So what what was your keyword? Did you have one?

Recognition Before Understanding

SPEAKER_05 10:44

Well, for me, what stuck out just because of my own journey of emotional intelligence, it was the recognize part.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 10:51

Recognize recognize how I'm feeling. But then that leads directly to understanding because you I feel like even the in the definition, the order of which those words were are important. Because you have to recognize it first. You need to understand it after that, which helps you learn how to manage it. Because you you don't know how to manage that just as a regular, just when you're being a person in the world, managing your emotions is what leads to a lot of the things that are not going so great in our world today. So you have to recognize it first.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

Right.

SPEAKER_05 11:30

I feel like.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Well, of course. Yeah. I think that's with any anything in life, is like what they say is um acknowledging the problem is the first step. Okay, okay, I'm emotional here. This is emotional. I was in a in a group uh uh morning Bible study. Will Schofield used to lead it sometimes. And we would always start with uh we're gonna get on the emotion wheel, we're gonna get on the feelings wheel.

SPEAKER_05 12:01

The wheel of emotion.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

And so he would basically say, I'm good is not is not one. So you have to be able to tell us what it is those are. So because guys are not very good, guys are horrible at this.

SPEAKER_05 12:15

Yeah, yeah, we're not allowed to say I'm fine.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Yeah, when you say I'm fine or I'm good, like that's not it. Use your words, describe what you're feeling, how you're so it takes a lot of introspective to look at those things in our lives and go, how am I really feeling? Like what is really going on?

SPEAKER_05 12:33

Well, it's icky a lot of times because I would venture to guess that most of the time what we're feeling is not always great. And when it comes to the not always great, it was like, wait a minute, am I being am I being impossible right now? Or am I being jealous or am I being any of those negative things? I don't want to recognize that in myself.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Why?

SPEAKER_05 12:59

Well, because that means I'm wrong. Well, I think that's not just I mean, it's like it means I'm not I'm not I'm not okay, really.

SPEAKER_04 13:08

Okay. Well, I think that's the hardest thing for most people to start walking in that path because it takes humility. Yeah. And that is the complete opposite of our human nature. Yeah. But you have to sit back and be willing to say, even though I think I'm not wrong, there's a chance I might be wrong here. Right.

unknown 13:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:30

Because you can't even start understanding your emotions until you can have that thought and be okay with that thought. Yeah. That's true.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

Which is advanced a lot. Yeah. I mean, when you talk about relationships, it's so there's so much involved in that because emotional intelligence is is about you, but it directly reflects how you communicate, how you act. Your emotions determine your perspective a lot of times. Oh man, yeah. So many times.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Yes.

Perspective And The Finger Exercise

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Um, and we always talk about that, and and I and I've done it once before, and I'll do it again, because I'll do it a lot, and you guys can be um as much as you want. But uh wherever you're at, if you're listening to the podcast or anything. So go ahead and take your finger, point it toward the ceiling like this. Um, your index finger, your pointer finger.

SPEAKER_05 14:29

You could do your pinky if you wanted to.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

You can do any finger, it doesn't matter. Uh, and you want to start going clockwise. And that's the way that the clock goes. That's right. So if you're listening, as you're listening, your finger, you're watching, your finger is in the air, it's clockwise. You want to start, it's above your head. So this is above your head. Start bringing it down, bringing it down, bringing it down, and bringing it down until it is below your about chest high. Which way is it going now?

SPEAKER_05 14:58

The other way.

SPEAKER_00 14:59

Yeah, it's going counterclockwise. And the only thing that changed is your what?

SPEAKER_05 15:04

Perspective.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

Thank you, first graders. So it's it's the one thing that changed. The only thing that changed is you were looking down upon the way you're spinning your finger.

SPEAKER_05 15:16

Versus when you were looking up at it.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Yes. So when you're looking up, when you're looking down, they're both going the same way. So the idea of perspective is what if you're both right? You're just looking at it in different ways.

SPEAKER_05 15:27

Oh, that's so hard.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

Yeah. So it's that's one of those things to actually look at and say, emotional intelligence allows you to name your emotions, put some words to those, and then express that. Because that's the that's the part. Once we recognize that, the huge part of that is then transferring that and going, let's give it a name. Like that emotion needs a name. What's the name of that emotion? And so what's the importance, or do you like what do you feel like the importance is of of actually giving that a name or naming that?

Naming Emotions And Why It Matters

SPEAKER_05 15:58

Do you well because in my own learning about my own self, being able to um specifically identify what emotion I am feeling was hard. Like when you and I got married, that was hard for me. Like I I mean, it took me some time after being married to you to realize just through conversations and through the way you handled conflict and um just even navigating icky situations, whether it be with like just a blended family aspect or just in general, I realized that I was not emotionally intelligent. And I don't even know if I even heard that phrase before we got married, to be honest with you. And so that was a very like sharp learning curve for me because I was used to just well, I mean, two years of alone. I didn't have to really worry about if I was emotionally intelligent or I was just putting one foot in front of the other. But I I never thought about that before. I never thought about like let me take my time and think about how I'm feeling right now so that I can properly identify it and then work through that. Like I had never done that before.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

Okay. And so that was So you didn't you and TJ didn't do that much. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 17:28

No. Um well we were high school sweethearts and then we got married as fast as we could after we graduated a few years later, and then it was buy a house, have a baby, and do all the things. It's like we just wanted to rush through and get ready, get to the adulting part. And so I feel like a lot of the times if there was a conflict or a fuss or whatever, we probably still handled it like when we were 18, 19 years old, because that's just all we knew in our relationship. Right. And so we were married for 11 years. And so that was a long time of just kind of staying that same pattern. I mean, it worked. We were not unhappy. And so it was just like, but that's all I knew.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Well, how did you guys handle conflict though?

SPEAKER_05 18:11

Like when we would fuss about it and he would just tell me I was right and we'd move along.

SPEAKER_00 18:17

Okay. Smart man, smart man. Smart man can be like, you know what? You're right. I gotta go.

SPEAKER_05 18:23

You're right. Whatever you're saying is great, whatever you want. Okay, great. Uh yeah, I gotta go.

unknown 18:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

I mean, which in the moment is decide I just want this to end. What am I needing to tell you to make this?

SPEAKER_05 18:33

Literally, that's where he was like, whatever I have to say to make this go away. It's gonna be great. And everybody's gonna be happy and we're gonna move along.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

In so many marriages and relationships, that's where we all live. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:46

Well, I mean, I got wet my way most of the time, so I was happy, you know. So, you know, I didn't I didn't have to all the way identify how I was feeling. He was just like, oh, she's not happy, and I'm gonna do whatever it is that makes her be happy again.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

Well, that's what a lot of times that's what I mean, it's so many times in in marriage and just even in relationships, that's what we do. But everything's like that's what we celebrate is like, you know, the whole, you know, happy wife, happy life. Right. It's not that's not all true. No, it's not. That's not true. Because happy life for who?

SPEAKER_05 19:20

Who? Yeah. Yeah. Who's the happy life for?

SPEAKER_04 19:23

Can I ask a question? Just going through that.

SPEAKER_05 19:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

In that season of your life, first you for you who don't know, this is producer Michael who's behind the computer for us who's talking.

SPEAKER_05 19:34

You can go ahead and give backstory if you want to.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Producer Michael?

SPEAKER_05 19:37

Backstory? Oh, who's talking? I didn't know what backstory you're about to say.

SPEAKER_00 19:41

Michael, who's if you're listening to this in your news, oh gosh, the voice you're hearing is producer Michael, who produced our project.

SPEAKER_05 19:51

Sorry, did I say backstory? You did. That's okay. That's why I was like, it's late. Anyway, go ahead.

SPEAKER_04 19:56

Um, so question in that season in your life where you were talking about TJ, just be like at some point he'd say, You're right, back off and go forward with that. Right. If you were to trace back in your own life, could you see that you had emotional growth during that period of your life?

SPEAKER_05 20:12

That's a good question.

Old Patterns, Conflict, And Growth

SPEAKER_04 20:14

Meaning if well, I'll just leave it at that.

SPEAKER_05 20:17

What was the rest of what you were going to say though?

SPEAKER_04 20:19

I was gonna say, if your emotional awareness and everything went your way, quote unquote, what was there to challenge your emotional maturity?

SPEAKER_05 20:33

At that point in my life, I mean, this was in my late twenties, early thirties, that because I was so icky saying it now, but because I got my way most of the time when I was feeling quote unquote emotional about whatever, there was no growth. Well, be and because I didn't I didn't have to identify like why was I upset, really what was the root of that, and what was my own part in that was the biggest part that I didn't looking back, that I didn't own, I didn't have to own that.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 21:12

And so there was no like no growth per se. Now that you put it that way.

SPEAKER_04 21:19

And I mean, I'm just thinking through that like and and putting myself in in my own shoes before I was even aware of this thing called emotional intelligence or emotional health. Like the only thing that helped me grow was the friction of being aware of my lack of emotional health.

SPEAKER_05 21:39

Right. And I didn't I started the process of learning that about myself and my grief counseling right off the bat. But then when the grief counseling turned into how do we move forward counseling, I mean, that was a two-year span of time. Um I had our I had started the journey of learning about it. But I feel like, I mean, yes, personally you want to be healthy as an individual, but a lot of emotional intelligence comes not it's not even just from a marriage, but it's I mean, like I'm a teacher, I'm the lead of my grade level, and there's six of us, like my emotional intelligence comes into play with those five other women that I work with.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

Oh, absolutely. 100%.

SPEAKER_05 22:27

And so I just never I was I was young at that point whenever he passed away and all that. And so learning that about myself through and you helping me, Greg, it's changed a lot of the dynamics of the relationships in my life, not just you and I, but everything.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

Okay. Hopefully that's a good change.

SPEAKER_05 22:49

It is a good change, is because I am more aw aware. We keep using awareness and aware, but it's true. I'm more aware of my own part in relationships, and it's not all the time about like, well, he said that or she said that or the tone or this or whatever. It's more like, no, what did I do? What was my part in that to cause the reaction or this or that, you know, and how things play out? Like I think a lot of folks, if you are not emotionally intelligent, there's a lot of blame and you did this and you said that, and this happened because of you, and there's not a lot of it of like, no, I have a part to play in this.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

Yeah, I was gonna ask if you if you're sitting there wondering, going, well, I don't know if I'm emotionally intelligent or not. So um again, there's tons of books out there that can help you and help build this in you and help work through this. So my question would be to you as a couple, what does it look like uh for both of you when the crap hits the fan?

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Yeah.

Blame, Humility, And Shared Responsibility

SPEAKER_00 24:01

When things go sideways, when the storms come, when things aren't working out the way they're supposed to. And they could be something as simple as you said you're gonna load the dishwasher and you didn't, to we don't have enough money in the in our bank account right now to pay our power bill. It could be like all over the gamut. Like, what happens to you? Like, and just be honest with yourself because if you're not honest with yourself in this, you're not going anywhere. Yeah, you're getting you're stuck.

SPEAKER_05 24:30

Literally.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Um, so the idea is that kind of a question to be like, well, I don't I don't know. What do we do? Am I always pointing the finger at someone else saying, well, it's because of them, or they said this, or they said that. Well, they made me mad. So when I got mad, I did this and I did that.

SPEAKER_05 24:45

And it's their fault I did this or that. No.

SPEAKER_00 24:49

So it's a lot of times being able to say, I'm mad because this happened.

SPEAKER_01 24:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Uh I'm upset because this happened, but I want to be able to say, but I want to have a conversation around this. Like I want us to have a conversation and see what's happening.

SPEAKER_05 25:05

And those conversations are awful.

SPEAKER_04 25:07

How do you bring about those conversations? Like, I mean, here's my thought. It takes emotional intelligence to be able to do that. Because we don't wanna, because there are people who are, you know, maybe just hearing about emotional intelligence. Or like if you want to call it, you can call it whatever you want, like grade one level emotional intelligence, beginner status.

unknown 25:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:28

Like, how do you work into those?

SPEAKER_05 25:31

Oh, well, I mean, I can draw back on like when we first got together dating. Well, I mean, we dated and got married within it feels like 15 minutes when we met. It was literally eight months for our new friends. We met in February, we were married in October.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

But it's been 13 years, so it's not we're we're hoping it works out.

SPEAKER_05 25:53

Fingers are crossed. Yeah. And you were gonna make it. Um but I can remember everyone said though. Oh, nobody believes very few people who believed that we would last.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

Well, that, and there were a bunch of people who were saying really mean things that uh Jess was pregnant and that was the only reason we were getting married.

SPEAKER_05 26:14

Yeah, as long as there was a lot of those on the face of the planet.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Rolling around. Still waiting. I'm doing it. Still waiting on that again. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:20

In a minute now, dude. In a minute.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

Yeah. So but go ahead. I didn't mean to It's okay.

How To Start Hard Conversations

SPEAKER_05 26:27

I almost lost my train of thought. But I can remember when we first started having these conversations because I mean we had a lot of baggage to claim. We have a lot of baggage. Yay. But like you're welcome. Um so, but we had a lot to talk about. And so it was very different conversations between your baggage versus my baggage because it was a lot of emotional baggage, but then you had some physical baggage with your ex-wife still being around, but it was just so much to work through. And so I just I can remember some of those first really hard conversations, but they became easier because of the way you approached them. I think a lot of it has to do like when you get ready to start talking about your emotional intelligence, it's about your approach.

SPEAKER_02 27:25

I agree.

SPEAKER_05 27:26

Your approach was never negative. Your approach was never um accusatory. It was always gentle and respectful. And I think that says a lot about your character, yes, but it says a lot about how these kinds of conversations should be approached.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Well, it's the idea of if you're going into a and we're we're gonna talk about, we really are gonna do a series, hopefully coming up soon, um, maybe in the next couple weeks, over crucial conversations. How to have hard conversations, how to work, how to navigate things.

SPEAKER_05 28:01

Trained and certified.

SPEAKER_00 28:06

You're certified in a lot of things.

SPEAKER_05 28:10

Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Um So we're gonna we're gonna dig into that. But the idea for me was anytime we're gonna have a hard conversation, yeah. I can't go into this conversation thinking I don't have any place in this. This is all on you. This is not on me.

SPEAKER_05 28:24

This is And I'm about to get my way.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Yeah, it's it's more of and that's where I use the phrase, and and we say it on here hundreds of times, and you guys I know you guys are sick of it. But that's where the line for me came to I want to understand where you're coming from and I want to understand how you're feeling. And so help me understand what made you say this, or what made you feel this way, or what was it that I did, or what was it that happened that helped that that made you feel this way? And that's and sometimes it's hard for you to even when we ask those questions, sometimes for you to even go, I don't know. I'm just I'm just pissed. Yeah. Well, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 29:04

I'm just upset.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

Like, why? Well, like what are you upset at? Because you didn't get your way, or you wanted it to go differently? What what what upsets you?

SPEAKER_05 29:11

And that can take some time to think about that. And I think that's what you're about to say. Like, I know I sometimes need some time to be like, I don't know for sure right now, but let me have a minute or a day to think about here's the things that led up to that. And that's okay too, is to be able to say, I'm emotionally intelligent enough to tell you that I need a little bit of time to think through this.

SPEAKER_00 29:37

Well, it's just, I mean, you can have, I mean, you can have vernacular that that goes around with what are just have the words you want to use in your relationship. Like for me, when I know I'm about to say something stupid or I'm just gonna be very vulnerable and put myself out there with you, I'm like, I need my umbrella protection. Yes. Can I get my umbrella protection here? Like I I'm gonna say something that I don't know how this is gonna land, I don't know how, but I'm just gonna I wanna protect myself from my little umbrella.

SPEAKER_05 30:06

But that's okay too, because a lot of times when you're in a moment and you're feeling very emotional, you don't always have the words that you need. And we both will say things like, I don't know what other word to use, but this is what I'm feeling. Right. And that is your umbrella of protection, or just like, give me a safety net. Like it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:25

So I want to get into I I wanna I want to skin in some practical things here. And this and this may drag on because this is not a simple subject. So we we possibly could could could tail into this for you to go, hey, how to help you understand some more emotional intelligence for yourself uh in your relationship. Uh and I want to get into some practical things of here's here's some things that happened and how we dealt with those things um in our relationship as emotional intelligence, how we built it, how we're continuing because we're changing. We change.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

Yeah.

Practical EI In Changing Seasons

SPEAKER_00 31:02

Uh our our lives are different now. Like last night, it's rare, but last night I came home, you came home, and it was the two of us. We cooked dinner, just the two of us.

SPEAKER_01 31:14

We did.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

And we talked and we hung out in the kitchen. And and but it's like that's a diff that's different for us. That's that doesn't happen much.

SPEAKER_01 31:22

No.

SPEAKER_00 31:23

Uh it's starting to happen more than it than it ever has in our lives.

SPEAKER_05 31:26

And the thing is, but that changes even how we have conversations. Like Yeah, things and whether you're listening and you have littles or you have teenagers or you're semi-empty nesters, or you know, wherever you fall, it's gonna be different.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

So we've we've opened the bag here.

SPEAKER_05 31:48

We have.

SPEAKER_00 31:49

We've unzipped the suitcase and said, all right, here's the emotional intelligence bag. Uh we're gonna try to unpack some of this as we go. And so I I want us to, if you if you've stuck with us this far this long. Thank you. Thank you. And we appreciate it. And I hope we've we've we've maybe started some or placed a question in your mind that's there. Um we're gonna we're gonna have a second part where we're gonna jump right into um the emotional intelligence part of that, and we're gonna unpack some real life scenarios and situations. Um we good with that? Yeah, I love that. You can make that call right here too late. So, and Jess is now drawing pretty clouds.

SPEAKER_05 32:32

No, I'm saying plus 37 is episode 36, and I'm not drawing pretty clouds.

SPEAKER_00 32:37

So I mean, it is a pretty cloud. If you guys are here, thank you so much. Uh, the next episode, uh, we're gonna unpack this emotional intelligence and dig more into it. Uh today we just wanted to introduce this topic and get your mind thinking on that. Uh, think about perspective, think about emotional intelligence. And Michael is raising his hand.

SPEAKER_04 32:54

Yeah, I think just one good thing for this week is as you're going through life, start thinking of your own emotional intelligence through circumstances you go through.

SPEAKER_01 33:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:03

Not that you like deep unpack it, but just simply the first thought of like, oh man, that was an intense situation at work. Boom. How did I pro what did I work through?

SPEAKER_00 33:12

And I'm not a you know I'm not a diary writer. Like I don't I don't write, but like You go through journal phases. I do. Go I really want to journal. I really want to join that.

SPEAKER_05 33:21

You want to do that so bad.

SPEAKER_00 33:22

I own so many journals that have that four pages.

SPEAKER_05 33:24

And they're really cool covers and stuff.

SPEAKER_04 33:26

Yes, they're like the most epic ones. Yeah, he does. Four of them with like two pages in this.

SPEAKER_05 33:31

Yeah. I will I want to say though, like for people like me, and then we'll we'll end this to head on to the next step.

SPEAKER_03 33:38

No, I want to say something.

SPEAKER_05 33:39

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 33:40

You don't get your way all the time now.

SPEAKER_05 33:42

Yes, I do. I do. Um I think the first step in emotional intelligence is when things go sideways, like what you were just saying, and you're reacting and you're trying to figure out what your next move is or whatever. First, before you start to plot revenge or whatever it is, think about no, really, what am I feeling right now? Am I feeling betrayed? Am I feeling not heard? Am I feeling what is the feeling first?

Weekly Practice: Name It, Then Track It

SPEAKER_00 34:14

Give it a name.

unknown 34:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:16

Name your feeling.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

Yeah. And I that's what I feel.

SPEAKER_05 34:18

But it's true, though. Like, name figure that out.

SPEAKER_00 34:22

But like once you give it a name, go, why do I feel betrayed? Why do I feel that way?

SPEAKER_05 34:26

That will help you figure out what to do next. So this week's what we're about to talk about.

SPEAKER_04 34:32

I don't know if that's his or something, but no, he borrowed it from somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 34:36

Yeah. So I would next name it and then what? Track it down. Wrestle it to the ground.

SPEAKER_03 34:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:44

So thank you guys so much. Uh please like, subscribe, share, uh, pass our podcast around, talk about it around your watercomb.

SPEAKER_05 34:52

Message us. We wanted to hear from you guys.

SPEAKER_00 34:56

We're adding countries. Somebody in, I mean, we're now it's it's nuts.

SPEAKER_05 35:01

It's ridiculous.

SPEAKER_00 35:02

Yeah, we're now Moscow. So Moscow. Uh so many folks in Moscow, thank you for listening. Uh, folks in India, thank you for listening. We got some folks in the U.S.

SPEAKER_05 35:10

I don't even understand.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Um, like all over the place. So thank you guys so much. Keep uh sharing, keep passing it around, and uh we'll just keep sharing. So thank you guys for joining Baggage Clay. Peace out. Good help. Good help.