The Baggage Claim Method™: 9 Steps to Build a Stronger Marriage and Home

What if you could trade relationship chaos for a simple map you can actually follow? We break down a practical framework that moves from You to Us to Family, so you can stop reacting to fires and start building rhythms that last. No silver bullets, just nine honest steps that make real life feel more navigable.

We start with You: knowing your operating system, naming emotion before reaction, and choosing response over reflex. Think of it like updating your mental software so new habits can run. Then we shift to Us, where the real magic happens—rebuilding the language of safety, clarifying expectations before they turn poisonous, and remembering why you chose each other in the first place. Tone, timing, and truth-telling matter, and small check-ins beat big blowups every time.

Family brings the framework home. We talk about defining a culture on purpose—how you speak, rest, repair, and celebrate—then inviting your kids into that culture with age-appropriate voice and shared values. Finally, we show how rhythms like weekly huddles, state-of-us talks, and recurring date nights turn good intentions into muscle memory. Between ice storm cabin fever, a righteous gas-pump rant, and a few pronunciation battles, you’ll hear how everyday moments become practice reps for healthier connection.

Explore the full framework and take our “Which step am I in?” self-assessment at unpacktogether.com. Join us for a live recording on Feb 21 with giveaways, and check out our Patreon for exclusive extras. If this helped, tap follow, share it with a friend, and leave a quick review—what’s one rhythm you’ll start this week?

Transcript

Cabin Fever And Cold Open

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_06 0:07

And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

What's up, everybody? How are you doing out there? Welcome to Baggage Claim. Uh it's your first time here. Welcome. Uh so glad you chose to spend some time with us. I hope you hang around uh because it will be entertaining and hopefully you get something out of it. If you're a regular here at Welcome back at Baggage Claim. Well, welcome to the cycle. Welcome. Welcome, welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah. Thank you. So you know the drill, man, wherever you're at, whatever your week's been like, whatever your day's been like, uh, I mean, it's 2026. Take a deep breath. We're gonna have some some fun uh doing this podcast, dig into some good conversations, um, and hopefully you walk away with some tools. But grab your favorite drink, whatever that is, coffee, tea, or something strong, or whatever it is you want, uh pull up to the table and uh let's jump into some conversation today. Anybody good with that?

Ice Storm Stories And Banter

SPEAKER_07 1:11

Yeah, absolutely. We've had we record these a little bit ahead of time. And so what we've just have been through in North Georgia is quite an extraordinary ice storm. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 1:21

So we have all been kind of trapped at home for ice is everywhere, and there's definitely no telling where you might get stuck.

SPEAKER_07 1:28

Uh no. Yeah, later. Including producer Michael.

SPEAKER_05 1:31

Slid off our driveway and slid right off our driveway today. Yeah, it's a little bit of a drop off of the phone.

SPEAKER_07 1:37

Yeah, thankfully Greg's truck could pull him out.

SPEAKER_05 1:39

And thankfully the Amazon driver didn't run right in.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

I thought he was gonna barely.

SPEAKER_07 1:43

He also slid on the ice.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

So we all have a little cabin fever. So we're excited. I'm excited about recording uh this episode. I'm also excited. Yeah, good. So cool. We want to do uh question. I think I'm going with a smooth jazz voice from now on. Right. Okay. Who's got the question? Do we change it up? With the smooth jazz?

Pet Peeves And Word Pronunciation

SPEAKER_05 2:09

Yeah, so question. Um what opinion do you have on a certain subject that most likely nobody else even cares about? Nobody else or the majority of people?

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Maybe majority of people.

SPEAKER_07 2:26

Because there's some weird opinions people may have that actually might agree with you though. So I wouldn't say, I mean, yeah, majority.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

And an opinion or um like I'm sort of just a feeling about something.

SPEAKER_00 2:39

Okay. No, sure.

SPEAKER_07 2:42

I have a very strong opinion, that's probably because I'm a teacher, that words should be pronounced correctly. And it absolutely grinds my nerves when they are not.

SPEAKER_05 2:54

If you did that, then we would never technically pronounce the H in any word. So it'd be like, oh, I'm gonna go get my hair done today.

SPEAKER_07 3:03

That's old English. We it's this is the modern day.

SPEAKER_05 3:07

But like Where I am so honored.

SPEAKER_07 3:10

That some of the words stuck.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

That's true, some of them didn't.

SPEAKER_07 3:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

But like That's why I say so it frustrates you when people don't announce the eight.

SPEAKER_07 3:19

Yes, and I don't mean to throw you into the room.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

You are d are you really gonna do this? Really? But girl, don't wait. I'm watching.

SPEAKER_05 3:28

What's like a number one word that like just gets under your skin?

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Jess loves to correct me when I don't say the words correctly that she wants me to say them.

SPEAKER_07 3:37

You say Valentine's like a time of day. Time.

SPEAKER_05 3:42

That's what it is, Valentine.

SPEAKER_07 3:43

Nope. Valentine. Um it's a dumb day. It is a dumb thing. I agree. I'm not arguing with the validity of the day. It's just how to say it. And you say birthday with an F in there.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Oh, that's right. Happy birthday, bro. Happy birthday.

SPEAKER_07 3:59

What's up?

SPEAKER_01 4:00

That's what you do.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

He does. Maybe I do. I don't know. You're welcome for saying happy birthday to you.

SPEAKER_07 4:06

Oh, you just said it right.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

You did say it right. It was probably the peer pressure.

SPEAKER_07 4:11

I worked really hard for 14 years to make that be like an endearing quality. And everything else about you is. That's the one thing that drives me nuts. And you know what drives me nuts, though.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Happy birthday to you.

SPEAKER_07 4:25

I think sometimes you do it on purpose.

Gas Pump Etiquette Rant

SPEAKER_00 4:26

I may I am now. Now I'm gonna do it all the time on purpose. So mine is I don't know if you um I don't know where you're listening to this at. Uh we're we're in north of Atlanta a little bit in Gainesville, Georgia. Um, there's QTs on every corner, it feels like.

unknown 4:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:43

Have you ever noticed how many cars are at the QT at the gas pump and there's no one in them? Yes.

SPEAKER_02 4:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

It is insane. Like I don't know what they are doing or where they're going or where they're gonna be able to get the phone.

SPEAKER_05 4:55

They're inside getting them roller deals, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_07 4:57

Or getting a pretzel is what they're getting in there doing.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Bro, there's you have to sit and wait, and there's like 10 cars with no one in them just sitting at the gas pump. It's like just scooch up and get in the phone. Because you know you tap to paint. Yeah. You know you paid at the pump. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 5:10

Get out the way and go get your scooch up and go get you a Jaquito of the phone.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

I mean, the two for one, the two, the not two for one, but the the hot dogs, the two hot dogs. Oh, those suckers are getting. Yeah, it's fire.

SPEAKER_07 5:20

You do love a quake trip hot dog. I do love a quick hot dog.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Yeah, I do love a quake trip hot dog.

SPEAKER_07 5:23

I'm a fan of the pretzel. I'll go and get a pretzel. I move my jeep out of the way. I go in a parking spot.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Yeah, it just I don't understand it. It's like, and there's like 45 gas pumps there.

SPEAKER_05 5:32

Yeah, see, I'll like play it by ear. Like, I'll I'll look and see if there's if it's full, then I'll move my car.

SPEAKER_07 5:38

Do you think majority of people would agree with you? Because that's what we're talking about. It's like an opinion you feel strongly about. Do you think majority of people would agree with you?

SPEAKER_05 5:45

Most people don't probably judging by the amount of people that Greg could sit behind at QT with their own.

SPEAKER_00 5:50

Most people probably don't even recognize that. You just get gas and leave. I'm just looking around pondering because my ADHD or whatever it is, I have some mind disorder that can't focus on anything. So I'm looking around going, where is everybody at? I'm the only one out here pumping gas.

SPEAKER_07 6:06

You do question the behavior of other drivers on the road way more often than I think regular people do.

Christmas Tree In January

SPEAKER_05 6:12

Yeah, but I feel like a lot more people would agree with that because I always question behavior of other drivers.

SPEAKER_07 6:16

I don't even. I'm just in my own little world.

SPEAKER_05 6:19

I'm happy for you. What's yours? All right, so mine, and I don't know if this is because it's not like a strong opinion, but I do it all the time. It's almost like tradition for me at this point. Like, you know how some people will put up a Christmas tree like crazy early, like before Thanksgiving early, or even before like Halloween early. I'm uh like I gotta get my money's worth out of that thing. So I'm normally not the early setter upper, but I'm the late taker downer.

SPEAKER_07 6:46

Well, you're recording this at the end of January.

SPEAKER_05 6:48

Yeah, I still got my Christmas tree up. My lights go in. Is it Michael? Yeah, it's a real tree. And like I normally wait no way it's alive. Yeah, it's a fire hazard, bro. No, it is not, and it smells amazing in my house. What kind of tree is it? Just a it's a Christmas tree, Greg. No, there's different kinds of is it a fur, Fraser fur? Yeah, I think it's a Fraser Fur.

SPEAKER_07 7:08

He doesn't know.

SPEAKER_05 7:09

I think I don't know. It's just whatever the nice ones at Home Depot had little bitty needles on it. Yeah, little bitty needles.

SPEAKER_07 7:15

There's no way that thing is still alive.

SPEAKER_05 7:17

Well, it was dead when it got cut down. No, it was in the process of dying. In the process of no, but like the needles have not been falling. It's also gave it a lot of good um growth stuff when I first put it in the bucket. But uh yeah, so I'll probably probably take it down in the next week or two.

SPEAKER_07 7:36

I would feel like majority of people would disagree with that opinion.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

And I believe as long as you take it down before Valentine's Day.

SPEAKER_07 7:46

Good one, honey. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_05 7:47

No, I just I don't know. I and I just enjoy the aesthetic of a Christmas tree lit up.

SPEAKER_07 7:53

As do I, which is why we take down Christmas and I put up new trees that are silver for winter trees.

SPEAKER_05 7:59

Yeah, but ain't nobody got time for that.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Thank you.

SPEAKER_07 8:02

I do, and it's lovely.

Announcing Website And Live Event

SPEAKER_00 8:04

It is. No, it's just a more process of unplugging things when you go to bed and more things to unplug. But anyway, so this is exciting times here, Baggage Claim. There's a lot, a lot of stuff going on. Um by the time you hear this, our website, we actually, yeah, our podcast is getting a website. I mean, it only took us 50 episodes.

SPEAKER_07 8:28

We're fancy.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Yeah, well, almost 50 episodes to get us a website. Um we're doing a live event. We do have uh if you're listening to this and you're somewhere, I don't care. I mean, if you're anywhere and you want to come to it, uh come to it. Our live event is going to be on February the what?

SPEAKER_07 8:47

21st?

SPEAKER_00 8:48

February 21st on a Saturday from four o'clock to five fifteen. It's live. We're recording, we're gonna do giveaways, lots of really cool giveaways. Yeah. So if you come and you bear through listening to us uh do this live, you may you may win some stuff.

SPEAKER_07 9:03

You may have the idea of doing a live podcast literally makes me want to throw up.

SPEAKER_05 9:08

I don't know, but you were also describing the giveaways, and they're pretty freaking awesome. They are just gonna say Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 9:15

We have quite a few.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

We have anything from a photo shoot to um our woodworker guys giving us uh one. We have um a salon's doing stuff.

SPEAKER_07 9:25

Yeah, we're still working the details out on the salon.

Why We’re Launching Coaching

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Yeah, and then um even our daughter has started quilting and doing all she made these things called uh bowl koozies. Uh so she's gonna have a basket full of her stuff that she's made that you can give uh she's gonna give away.

SPEAKER_07 9:41

We'll share some more details as we get to the channel.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Yeah, so anyway, mark your calendars. It's going to be at Chestnut Mountain Church. It's not it's not a pre it's not a church event. They're just so kind and so awesome to let us use their front foyer, which is super cool. Uh great place where we can all hang out. Uh there's plenty of room for us, and we'll have some coffee and some refreshments and some tea and stuff. So uh make sure you uh mark your calendar, turn it into a date night. Uh so get a babysitter, come check out the podcast, and then go out and have some fun and talk about what we talk about at the podcast and dig a little deeper into that. So mark your calendars for that. That's coming up.

SPEAKER_07 10:19

And don't make fun of me when I'm a nervous freck in front of people.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Yeah, it could be.

SPEAKER_07 10:22

This is so far, just in general, this is so far outside of my comfort zone. And then we're gonna actually speak in front of people.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

I'm just But this is a chance for us. I really, really want to meet our listeners and just kind of hang out with you guys. So you can get there. I mean, if you can get there a little early, get there a little early because we will start at four o'clock. So uh get there a little early. We can hang out, chat. We'll try to hang out afterwards uh and just have a good time. So it's just a fun time for all of us. And there will be a chance for you to interject and to ask questions during the podcast live. So it'd be a good chance to stump Jess and ask her really hard questions. Oh my gosh. I already got my questions written, but I know I'll ask them. So we've been we've really been like we started this podcast just to help couples and help marriages and help. I mean, our heartbeat in is for blended families, but for marriages in general and just relationships.

SPEAKER_07 11:18

And so Not that we think ours is perfect, but we just know what we've worked hard towards and it's been very helpful.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

Yeah, we've not written a book, we've not had any of those things, but we've got a lot of life experience, uh, fourteen years of that. Um and I have a few years of some some consulting background. Uh so what we have done is we've been working on behind the scenes a lot of helping to build a framework. Um, because in the next uh month, hopefully around our live podcast, we're going to kick off some cool services uh options that we're going to be doing, such as uh actual marriage coaching, relationship coaching, some masterminds, which is a group of people together walking through. Um but we have a framework. Yes. Jess is like, what does that mean? I was like, it's basically like a group going through something. And so what we've done is we created a little bit of framework. And we've, if you haven't noticed, we've been talking through this framework the whole time. Uh it's uh it just looks a little different. And so we're gonna actually put some wheels to this, some things to it. Uh you'll be able to go on to our website. Uh if you're listening to this, you can go to our website, it's unpacktogether.com and actually see these steps. And then there's a thing of which step am I in? And you can take a little self-assessment, figure out where you're at. So enough of that crap. Let's get into some fun stuff. Um, because I feel like I'm listening to those podcasters like, dude, shut your mouth and say something entertaining.

SPEAKER_07 12:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

So here we go.

The Framework: You, Us, Family

SPEAKER_07 12:48

Quit talking and talk about fun stuff. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

So we believe um all healthy relationships are based on what? Jess, do you have an idea?

SPEAKER_07 12:58

Baggage. Communication.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

No, we all we always say if you want to be, if you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to be the healthiest version of yourself.

SPEAKER_07 13:08

Okay, well that lead-in was not exactly forthcoming.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

So yeah. So but we always say we should practice these things. We are strictly going off the cuff tonight. So we always say it's like if you want to if you want to have a great relationship, you need to be the healthiest version of yourself. Not just physically.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

No.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Um because it's true, we all have baggage. Um we're bringing it into everything, every part of our life, like into our relationships, our baggages with our kids, our baggages at work, we're just carrying this crap everywhere. So there's three main things, three three kind of big areas we've broken it up uh that we believe. Um the first one is you. Uh so most things it's like, hey, we want you to work on you. So what we did is we took these three areas and we broke them into nine steps.

SPEAKER_07 14:00

So there's actually Well, you said you said there's three areas, but then you only said one of them.

Step 1: Know Your Operating System

SPEAKER_00 14:04

Okay, yes. There's you, uh huh, then there's us, which is the marriage, the relationship that you're in, and then there's family, which is everybody included under that. So it goes you, us, family. So those are the three kind of categories that we have.

unknown 14:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 14:21

Under those three categories, we said, you know, let's make this easy. Like as easy as we can.

SPEAKER_07 14:28

Um so create almost Well, not easy necessarily, but simple.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

Yeah, to create a road.

SPEAKER_07 14:35

None of this is easy. I don't want people to think this is easy.

SPEAKER_00 14:38

Yeah, if you're looking for a silver bullet, this is not the place to get it. Like you're not going to you're not you're not going to find that that one thing that's going to be like, ooh. We I believe life change happens one small step at a time.

SPEAKER_04 14:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

Like, and I think that's one reason like our and I know you hate those, but our New Year's resolutions that we do, sometimes we go with these grandeur ideas of these massive things. Like, um our daughter-in-law has been trying to do 75 Heart for four weeks, and she keeps getting starting over and over. Because 75 Heart, if you don't have to be a good thing. Just Google it. It's it's insane what you have.

SPEAKER_07 15:19

It's a huge commitment. Yeah. Massive, massive. Your physical health and how much you work out and what you eat and how much water you drink and how many books you're reading. Like it's it's a lot. Journaling, it's it's a lot. Especially for a young mommy, a stay-at-home mommy with a 17-month-old Lucy Grace running around.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

I'm just like, whoa. And so so many times we we because we want change. Like we all desire to be better. We all want to be, but sometimes we take these incredibly lofty goals and put them on ourselves, and then we're just doomed to fail. Because it's like, okay, well, let's let's start with something simple. Like for me, it's like, okay, uh, cut back on sodas or cut back on other any kind of drink and just drink more water. Yeah. Let's just try drinking water. Drink water when you go out, or drink water uh with your meal. Start simple. And then once you do that, it's like, okay, now let's eat something a little healthier. Um so it's a little step at a time. Um, because I mean healthy healthy relationships, healthy marriages are not a quick fix.

SPEAKER_07 16:18

No.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

Uh it's a work. And you have to be intentional about the work.

SPEAKER_07 16:22

But then when you think about it on the other side, it is work, but when you break it down to its like the most important pieces, it's very simple. You just have to really, you have to try.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

Oh, it's hard to do that.

Step 2: Name Emotion Before Reaction

SPEAKER_07 16:34

And stay focused.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

Yeah. You got yeah, you're you're right. You gotta stay focused. And you have to be at a point to where you can let go like this is why I say you, because so many times things don't work out the way you want them to. And so you start putting on your expectations or your things on them, and then it just becomes really, really hard.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

And so we're gonna dig into some of these steps really quick. Uh, we're not gonna spend a ton of time on them, uh, but I want you to you may find yourself in one of these one of these kind of places.

SPEAKER_07 17:08

If you're honest with yourself, you will find yourself somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

Yeah. And that's the hardest part. I mean, uh if I was giving you one advice and thinking about these things and thinking about your relationship, is be honest with who you are and where you're at.

SPEAKER_07 17:21

Yeah. So we're gonna be careful not to give away too much on the podcast because we truly do want you to go to our website and look at this. Yeah. Like this is like, here, here's some more information.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

But so step one is know your operating system. You know what does that mean?

SPEAKER_07 17:35

Aaron Powell, you gotta know yourself.

unknown 17:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 17:37

Like you have to know how you work. And some of that, I mean, I learned early on in our relationship when we were didn't realize we were working on this specific thing, but I was trying to figure myself out. And I had done a lot of work on myself before we met each other. So I was pretty confident and secure in who I was. But when you and I got together, it's, you know, it changes some things. But just I you have to be you have to know who you are and be okay with it, all the good and the bad and own it and figure out how to work with it.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

Yeah. Step one is one of those things like you know you you know your operating system. Yeah. But there's a lot of times, like even right now in our studio, uh, we have to update our operating system on a computer before we can download some some software, some new software that we need. So in in life, you're going to have to update the way you operate. You do. Just hands and if you're like, no, this is just the way I am, if that's where you're at, you're gonna have a really hard time having healthy relationships.

Step 3: Choose Response Over Reflex

SPEAKER_07 18:34

Trevor Burrus, Jr. And in all honesty, some of it might be, well, that's just the way I am, according to lots of different factors, but also you've let that be the way you are, but you need to pick it apart and figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

Aaron Powell Yeah, because in all reality, the you are the way you are because of w your environment, what you grew up in, uh how you were raised, all those different things, things you went through, the baggage you've accumulated, may have been trauma, uh there's so many things that it could have happened.

SPEAKER_07 19:02

But that doesn't excuse the work that needs to be done in your own self. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_00 19:06

Correct. And so taking some time to analyze, figure out what works in the operating system, what needs to be updated, what needs to be dealt with, and you know, figured out because you're taking all that into the marriage and to with your kids.

SPEAKER_07 19:21

Yeah. And if step one wasn't hard enough, we have step two that's about naming emotion before reaction. It's about gaining emotional intelligence.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

Yeah. This is this is a this is hard for a lot of guys.

SPEAKER_07 19:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

Um guys are harder at um emotional intelligence. Um unless they're salespeople. Most salespeople are aware they can read rooms, they can know their emotions, they can kind of keep checking them. I say some.

SPEAKER_07 19:52

Not all but reading a room is not the same thing as being able to read your own emotions.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

So No, but it's also not my emotions, but being re being able to read the emotions of the people I'm around. Um knowing when something's off, when something's wrong, uh, when it's time to be quiet, when it's time to speak up, when it's time to I mean, that's all emotional intelligence. Yeah. Um but of course, if you don't know how you react, so many times we just expect everybody to act and think and look just like we do. Um but yeah, this this one's a this one's hard. This one's tough. This one takes a lot of work. I don't care how old you are or where you're at, this is one you can always dig back into and go, I can learn a little more. I can be a little better at this.

SPEAKER_07 20:34

You have to want to though.

Step 4: Rebuild The Language Of Safety

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Yeah, you're gonna find yourself in a in a rut stuck, and you're not gonna want to change, but you need to. Yeah, it's uh that that one is tough. Yeah. Um step three out of the one, we're still in the U part is uh choose response um over reflex. So it's our natural we have the fight or flight kind of mechanism that happens in our bodies that how we act. Like when something happens to us, we have a response to that. Um if we don't stop uh and spend some time to kind of reflect on it and go, what does that really mean? What's the truth behind that?

SPEAKER_02 21:14

Right.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

Um because we tell ourselves some crazy stories, like I mean, just insane things sometimes, like um I have some that I could go into right now, but I don't I don't want to because it's it's just it's very personal with naming people, uh, and I don't want to do that. Because you really you really wouldn't understand it, but it's um yeah.

SPEAKER_07 21:40

It's kind of like I'm trying to read you and I think okay, I'm watching you, and this is hypothetically speaking. You haven't spoken to me much this afternoon, so I'm going to read that as you're mad at me about something, so I'm gonna act that way too, rather than like that's my Reflex is I'm gonna do it back at you.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 22:02

And that's not healthy.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

Well, in most relationships, we do that. Well, she's not cleaning the dishes. So and I've oh my gosh, I've tried this so many times of like, look, I'm mad. I'm not gonna say anything to her until she says something to me. I'll be quiet for days. Like, I'm not gonna take the first day. Yeah, there's been times where I was like, this is ridiculous. But I just want to play it out. I was like, how are you functioning?

SPEAKER_07 22:24

I will be quiet for days.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

Yeah, I can't I can't do that. I may last a couple hours, but I was like, I I am not good at that. But I've tried that method, you know, like, oh well, I'll, you know, I'll just shut down too. I can't. It's not in my wheelhouse to just shut down and stop. But this is a this is one of those that takes a lot of practice. It just takes that of just repetitive going over and over and over.

SPEAKER_07 22:49

And it's all about how you respond to each other.

SPEAKER_00 22:51

Yeah. And so that's it for the you part. I mean, that's it. That's all that's all there is. Uh get that and you're good to get it.

SPEAKER_07 23:00

Check those boxes off.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

But I I tell you this though, like if you do not address those things in yourself, when you step into a marriage or a relationship, you're bringing a lot of stuff into that marriage that you you don't even know how to name or or respond to how you're feeling or what's going on in your life. And it just creates a lot of it's just there's a lot of confusion on both sides.

SPEAKER_07 23:24

So when one spouse asks the other one, what is wrong with you? You don't know if you haven't really unpacked this part. Yeah, nothing.

Step 5: Clarify Expectations Early

SPEAKER_00 23:33

Nothing usually comes up because it's like I'm fine. Yeah, it's uh it's a complex answer.

SPEAKER_07 23:37

But um no, you're not. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Nothing. I'm good.

SPEAKER_07 23:40

So that was a lot about you, your own self, how to be a healthy version of yourself. So step two or section two is about us.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Yes. So this is the the fun part of it's no longer just about you. It's about and and it's about the relationship you're in, the marriage. And so um we read step four.

SPEAKER_07 24:02

Yeah, step four is rebuild the language of safety. It's all about communication.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

Yeah. This is one for me, I almost think like words matter.

SPEAKER_07 24:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Like we we have these crazy things, like, and this is where if we don't stop and reflect above the emotional intelligence, sometimes we just say crap that we don't really mean, that that we say we don't mean. But I always I always say if that came out of your mouth, that's somewhere in your heart.

SPEAKER_04 24:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:29

Like sometimes when you just speak anger, you may be frustrated, but it's easier just to go, just take a breath, relax, and be like, is that really how you feel? Like and so this was a I mean, communication, if you've got communication nailed down, you're like, bro, I got that, then I mean send me an email and lay it out for me, because I'd love to it's not just obviously communication is sharing your thoughts and how you really feel, but it's also receiving and giving communication in the way that the other one can identify with.

SPEAKER_07 24:57

Like I'm super sensitive to your tone.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_07 25:00

Super. And you may or may not mean anything by it, but I'm gonna hear it and I'm gonna be like, he's mad, something's wrong. I don't what did I do? Kind of thing. But tone doesn't always mean anything to you. Silence is what means something to you.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

Yeah. Like as long as you're talking, I'm good. This is when you go silent and I don't hear any words from you, that's when my red flags go off. And I'm like, okay, what's going on? Why why aren't we silent?

SPEAKER_07 25:26

But we've done the work and we know that about each other.

SPEAKER_00 25:29

Yes. I know I know that's how you react. And I know that's what happens when you get in those situations.

SPEAKER_07 25:36

So the next step of us, this is technically step five in this whole process.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

But this is Yeah, but we're in the second section of us.

SPEAKER_07 25:46

Didn't I say that? Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

I don't know why I just did that.

SPEAKER_07 25:49

I don't either.

Step 6: Remember Why You Chose Each Other

SPEAKER_00 25:51

All right. So if you want to for me, and we've we've said this time and time again, you want to know the two things that kill all relationships, whether work, whether there are marriages, don't set me up to answer it.

SPEAKER_07 26:03

You just say what's in your brain.

SPEAKER_00 26:04

Yes, ma'am. It's cu lack of communication and unmet expectations. It will destroy a work relationship, it'll destroy a marriage, it'll destroy any relationship you're in. And so step five is clarify expectations before they become resentments. Yes. And so that's one of those things like you have this expectation of what you want or what you expect. Uh we have them in all of our relationships, no matter what they are. Like you have an expectation of the person at QT. Like when you go up to pay, sorry for being on the QT train.

SPEAKER_07 26:42

We don't necessarily, but you do.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Yeah, you're gonna take my money. I'm gonna there's an exchange happening here. I have an expectation of what's gonna happen. And those guys were in like four registers at one time, which is flipping amazing.

SPEAKER_07 26:55

And they're so kind. Yeah, very good.

SPEAKER_00 26:58

Yeah. So they're uh we all have expectations in relationships. I guess is the essence what I'm trying to say. And we just don't verbalize those a lot and say what those are. So therefore, we so many times they don't get met, and then we internalize those, and it's like, well, you don't you don't like me or you don't want to be around me. And then we start telling ourselves these incredible lies and all this this ridiculousness that we have that we just because our mind is like it's trying to fill the void of why that fills off. And so we just we do that, and it's all about just unmet expectations.

SPEAKER_07 27:34

Like, and just just be clear, just be clear, and you develop those in your brain before you even realize that's what you've done.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Yeah, and you don't you don't you don't we did an exercise with a couple one time where like uh separately write down expectations that you have from your wife, you write down ones you have in the mountain, we're gonna come together at the table and talk about them. And everybody's like, what? Like they were sometimes they were crazy.

SPEAKER_02 27:58

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 27:59

Um just to just to talk about those. So sorry.

Step 7: Define Your Family Culture

SPEAKER_07 28:04

I had a burp. I had to move away. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 28:06

That's all right.

SPEAKER_07 28:07

So step six in this whole process is remember why you chose each other.

unknown 28:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:13

Go back to the beginning.

SPEAKER_07 28:14

Yeah. I mean, I would almost say this should be at the top of the list in general of marriage. Remember why you chose each other in the first place.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

I think this is one of those things, though, it's an easy this is an easy exercise that we don't do a whole lot. Like, uh, tell stories in the fact of remember when we used to do, remember when we did this, or remember that trip? Like we were even just talking about this week. Like, remember when we took Callie to New York and it snowed 27 inches?

SPEAKER_07 28:42

Yeah. Uh because it was a 10-year anniversary of that snowstorm, and then they had another one this this year. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:50

So we were we were just talking about fun things of like remember when we used to get together and this is what we used. We used to go buy the box of tacos and um you just remember why you don't, because life is so incredibly busy and overpowering that it will suck the life out of you and you forget. Yeah. You become roommates.

SPEAKER_07 29:07

Yeah. Life is hard.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

Yeah, it is hard.

SPEAKER_07 29:09

It's hard to and again, I keep saying this. We're not saying that any of this is easy. And our marriage is not easy. But if you just remember why you chose each other and try to kind of go through these steps as you're living life together, it may feel like it might be exhausting. But once you get into the rhythm of being aware of these things, it becomes easier.

SPEAKER_00 29:30

Yeah, they become like just little check-ins. Just like, hey, did we get that? We got that. Yeah. Okay, we're good.

SPEAKER_07 29:36

All right. So now we're in the third section of family. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Oh, we we're just if you can see we went from self to couple to family, it's just getting uh more there's more people being added into the equation as we go. And usually when you add more people, it just it makes things more interesting.

SPEAKER_07 29:56

Yeah. Um it does. So step seven of nine is define the culture that you want. Um I think a lot of people forget this.

Step 8: Invite Kids Into The Culture

SPEAKER_00 30:04

Oh, I I would if you ask me, I think 98 and 99 percent of couples don't even think about culture with their family and their kids.

SPEAKER_07 30:13

Yeah. Uh life just happens to you. It is but you get to control the culture of your home.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

Yeah, you get to set it. You know, you get to let the chaos define it for you. Like figure out what your culture is gonna be. You're you're the leaders, you get to define that, you get to figure it out.

SPEAKER_07 30:28

Yeah, because if you don't define it, like you just said, chaos will define it for you.

SPEAKER_00 30:32

Oh, yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_07 30:33

And it makes everything else more difficult.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 30:36

No matter what.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

Well, if you don't, like your your sports teams, your other teams, all those other things in life will define it for you. Yeah they'll pick your time. They'll they'll suck up your time if you're they will.

SPEAKER_07 30:46

And I don't mean to graze past step seven, but step eight is invite your kids into the culture. Like while you're studying the culture, you need to invite your kids now, age appropriate, obviously. You don't let a four-year-old decide what you're doing for the week. But as they grow up, it's important to talk to them about why you're making the choices that you're making. And you know, we're one of the phrases that we used to say all the time when our kids were teenagers of we're all on the same team and they hated it, but they knew it and they still know it.

SPEAKER_00 31:18

Yeah. They st they still dislike it as much as they did it.

SPEAKER_07 31:20

They still hate it, but they appreciate it. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

The thing is, we allowed our kids to have a say in this. It wasn't like, oh, kids, you get to pick where we eat every night. And I was like, no, when you start paying, then you can pick. Now, sometimes I may be like, hey, here's your two choices. You guys can fight up for where we're going. Or sometimes it's just like you're not, I'm not saying you give the kids the power. You allow your kids to have a voice in the culture.

SPEAKER_02 31:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:44

That's what I'm saying. And that's a huge thing when you invite them in, allow them to be a part of it. So you can refer back to and go, hey, remember when we said we weren't going to yell and hit?

SPEAKER_02 31:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:52

Um, because that's just not who we are. So help me understand why you yelled at your brother and hit him.

SPEAKER_07 31:58

There's the phrase. Help me.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

So understand. Why did you hit him? Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 32:03

I was mad. Why are you mad? Trevor Burrus, Jr.: It's about buy-in, though. We want you want like, I want you to be bought into our relationship just as husband and wife, but we also wanted our kids bought in as a family.

SPEAKER_02 32:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 32:14

And I know that we're a blended family, but this this is for traditional or core family, whatever you want to label them. It works for that as well, and it should be appreciated the same way. Trevor Burrus, Jr.: Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

I mean, we had core values we had hung up in our house. Like our kids made those. We hung them up and we always referred to those when we were going to do something or if we were whatever it was, we always refer back to our core values. That's that's cheesy. Yeah. In the same sense as like, okay, well, why do you have them at work?

unknown 32:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Like what's your core values at work? Are those cheesy too?

SPEAKER_07 32:46

Right.

Step 9: Build Rhythms That Last

SPEAKER_00 32:47

Like you have a culture at work, you have a culture at home. You have there's cultures everywhere. Like every restaurant you go in has a culture. Um you just get to set what it gets to be. So I don't I don't want to get on that soapbox. Because I really enjoy I feel like that's probably one of the most neglected uh spaces for families.

SPEAKER_07 33:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:04

That we just don't do a lot with.

SPEAKER_07 33:05

So step nine is build rhythms that sustain growth. It's all about consistency. You are who you say you are, but then you gotta live it too.

SPEAKER_00 33:14

Yeah. That's the that this is this is the hard part of life. Just keep doing it. Um when it gets hard and it seems frustrating, you just keep plugging away at the things that you guys decided that you've worked through that you said, hey, here's what we're gonna be about, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how frustrating it is, this is where we're at.

SPEAKER_07 33:34

No, it's not always pretty. It's still not pretty.

SPEAKER_00 33:38

It's rarely pretty.

SPEAKER_07 33:39

Yeah. But when you work for the things that matter, you you get good results.

SPEAKER_00 33:45

So, I mean, you're welcome. We just broke every relationship down to the nine steps. So So easy.

SPEAKER_07 33:51

Follow these nine easy steps, and you'll have a successful relationship. No.

SPEAKER_00 33:56

No. It's a it's it truly is a mindset of thinking about I'm going to invest and I'm gonna work through this and we're gonna go one step at a time. I believe life, I said this earlier, I believe best life change happens. The ones that stick and the ones that grab are slow progression of steps, not not huge leaps. Just let's take a step, let's see what happens, let's take a step and let's move forward and keep going from there. So that's kind of the baggage claim framework for how we do everything. So when we talk about stuff in the podcast, it's either in the you section, it's in the marriage section, or it's in the family culture section. Sometimes every now and then we just throw in some really fun.

SPEAKER_07 34:35

And ridiculousness.

SPEAKER_00 34:36

Yeah, but that's kind of the framework of of where that's at. Miguel, are you gonna say something?

SPEAKER_05 34:42

Yeah, no, I was gonna say, what is uh when you step back and look at this, you know, 30,000 foot view, whatever you want to call it, what is the uh reason you would encourage someone to walk through these steps?

Why A Process Beats Reacting

SPEAKER_00 34:57

Because it gives a process to the it gives a process and a framework for develop the the this is how I work. Because if I look at our relationship and go, oh my gosh, all I'm trying to do is this is broke, I fixed this, this is broke, I fix that, and I'm I become reactionary and not proactive. So I'm just reacting to situations, this kind of breaks it down and gives a framework where it says, I need to start here and work through these things. And and as I get these things down, those other things will probably take care of themselves as I work through those things. It's kind of like a you know, if you look at Dave Ramsey's steps, like the steps that he has, like you're not you're not going into this going, I'm gonna attack all the debt and get rid of all the debt that I have. It's like, no, no, no, let's start here and do this one thing with emergency funds. I don't know if you're a Dave Ramsey fan or not. So it's like instead of attacking these things in your relationship with like, well, this is the problem, so I'm just gonna fix the problem, it's almost looking at it going, okay, what what do I have a grip on and what do I not? Where do I need to start in this process? Because there's some people out there who are very emotionally intelligent. They know their baggage, they know their they know their operating system, they know how they work, they know those things. Maybe they've never taken the time to unpack those and figure out how they impact how they are on their marriage.

SPEAKER_07 36:18

Um you you are a process guy. You do like a framework just because that's just kind of how your brain works. Me, I'm more of an emotional person, and not in a bad way, but just I think I'm I'm a girl, but also I think that way. I think emotionally. So when I have these things that breaks down things into different categories, and then the categories are broken down to help me think through like why do I react the way I do when this happens, or why is this part so important to me? It helps me make sense of it for me. It just breaks it down to easier to digest parts.

unknown 36:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 36:56

Um I think those backwards, but it still works. Like for you and our viewpoints are opposite, but they still meet in the middle.

SPEAKER_05 37:03

Right. Well, and I think because many times, like going back to what you were talking earlier, Greg, like sometimes stuff like this can just be cheesy. Yeah. You know, and I agree, like sometimes it is. Like um but I've also, like, especially in at work, things like this can be very cheesy. But I've also been in areas of work where it was uh insanely effective. Yeah, ridiculously effective. And and honestly, since I've been in an environment where that was, I've maintained that like I must have that in my own framework when I work. Like when I go do what I do, when I, you know, clock in on Monday morning, whatever that looks like. But listening to this here and y'all talking, I'm like, if I do that at work for the sake of success and for the sake of a healthy organization of people who report to me, all that kind of stuff, I'm like, how much more important is that to do for your relationships? Yeah, to do for your family.

Making Frameworks Human, Not Cheesy

SPEAKER_00 38:03

And sometimes honestly, we will, as we get into this, we'll like we'll break down and have questions for each one of those sections. So it's like uh sections like if you are in relationship, like at work, you're like, hey, how are you? Or what's going on, or tell me these things about you. Hey, tell me your relationships, like house things with so-and-so, like what's happening, what's new with this? So you work, you work your way from those things down, and there's always a progression of questions from you don't go to tell me your deep, darkest secret to be like, hey, bro, did you watch the game? Like, it's like let's let's start with an easy surface level question. Um, and we'll go through some of those things too as we dig into these things more. But yeah, a framework is always good to give you something to work off of, give you a starting point.

SPEAKER_05 38:50

Well, it's not to say that it has to follow everything you all said 100%. No. Because you may come across, you know, section us where you're talking about you and a spouse or you and a uh whoever you're in a relationship with, is like that may trigger out something completely separate to go work on and focus on. Right. And and it varies. But I appreciate something you had said, um, Jess was like this can be very like factual point one, point two. But also at the same time, there you can still be emotional as going through this. You can still look at this in different avenues and not just treat it like a checklist.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

Yeah, yeah. Oh, but yeah, it's not. I mean, it's a relate this is your relationship, this is your marriage.

SPEAKER_07 39:30

Well, I mean, honestly, as we've gone through our own our own marriage, like there may be times we're like, yeah, we're checking all the boxes, it's great. But then something might ha happen with say, you know, an extended family member that causes an upset with one of us, and then that brings back some other traumas or like childhood experiences or things like that, that kind of starts to re-affect one of us kind of emotionally, and it kind of it it definitely just helps to bring you back to what's important and help you keep focused on what you're supposed to be focused on.

SPEAKER_00 40:07

Right.

unknown 40:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 40:08

Because everything, I mean, life like has a lot of moving parts.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_07 40:12

And you gotta go with it.

SPEAKER_00 40:13

And well, it's like you know, one of my triggers, and this is from growing up, uh, and the way I grew up is one of my triggers is when someone really does me wrong um or does something, I my immediate response to that is like to to cut them out of my mouth. Cut them off and just be like, okay, I'm done with them. And just I can literally be done and walk away with it. And you're like, why are you walking away from it? I was like, they did this. And you're like, but do you not think you should talk to them about it? And I'm like, No. I don't like that's my natural so I've like having you knowing that about me though, has helped you've helped me almost go, hey, just take a deep breath and think about it and go.

SPEAKER_05 40:54

That helps balance you out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:55

And just and and even helps me process like, you're right. I am just like, this is dumb. I'm just gonna be like, well, I'm dumb, I'm not doing this anymore.

SPEAKER_02 41:02

Yeah.

Real Triggers And Balancing Each Other

SPEAKER_00 41:02

Um, so knowing those things helps not just me, but I'm sharing them with you. You helped me through that process. So um yeah, so that's these things are on our our website. Go look, explore. Um, there'll be a little assessment on our website. It'll be under the free section. Um that's like, which step am I in? If you're just curious and you just want to dig a little deeper and look into it, it's on there. Go take it. All you're gonna do is give us your email. We're not gonna spam you, I promise you. Uh we don't have anything too spammy.

SPEAKER_07 41:35

No, we don't.

SPEAKER_00 41:36

Basically.

SPEAKER_07 41:36

So we're building the plane while we're flying.

SPEAKER_00 41:38

Yeah. So uh it's just a way for us to you, you you put your email in name and you get to download.

SPEAKER_07 41:45

So we're like, cool, they looked at it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:48

This is kind of a way for us to know that somebody's actually looking at it. So go to the website, check that stuff out. Um there are some other things happening too. When you uh listen to this, we're starting to figure out how do we help uh fund some of the stuff. We've been pushing the bills around here um out of our pocket. And so it's we're trying to upgrade mics and cameras and get all those things going.

SPEAKER_07 42:12

Software, all the things.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

Yeah. So uh we're we have a Patreon account that has started as Baggis claimed with Greg and Jess, and there'll be some exclusive stuff that you'll get there that you won't get anywhere else. Um, so make sure we've got to do it. We hit we have a Patreon account. We're again we're we're adding to that by the time this comes out. We have the account, it exists. Yes, it's a great start. We have levels.

SPEAKER_03 42:34

We've got to figure out our levels members.

SPEAKER_00 42:37

So that's a way for you to support us, get some fun stuff uh that you wouldn't get any other way, and we'll make it worth your while. I'm not trying to um get rich, we're just trying to you know pay our hosting services and other things just to run the place around here. So um, but thank you guys so much for joining in. Thank you for sharing. I just want to say these last two months, we've had more downloads in these last two months than we've had ever. Ever. These are our last these last two months have been our biggest months. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for listening. Uh you guys are awesome. You can always send us a text. If you're listening on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, I know there's a button there. You can just click it, send us a text. If there's something you want us to talk about, let us know. You can reach out to us on our socials, please follow us there because that's where you'll get all the updated stuff to with websites and all the other stuff that's coming out, our Patreon account. So make sure you like and follow, subscribe, all those fun things. We're on all the socials.

SPEAKER_07 43:34

Um and share.

SPEAKER_00 43:36

Yeah, share it. So that being said, hopefully we see you February 21st for a live episode.

SPEAKER_01 43:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:42

And uh have a blast. So peace out and and love your dogs, but it's not dogs easy. So go dogs.