226 Food Choices and the The One Decisions that matters

You can say “I’d do anything for you” and still miss your marriage in the daily grind. That’s the tension we sit with today, because the biggest threats to connection usually aren’t dramatic, they’re subtle: distraction, autopilot, and a thousand tiny decisions that quietly move us farther apart.

We start with a simple but challenging idea: your spouse is often the only person in your life who actively chose you, and healthy love keeps choosing. From there, we unpack how the average person makes about 35,000 choices a day and why those micro-decisions matter for relationships, blended families, and the “us” part of marriage. We talk honestly about attention, phones, dopamine, and why it’s so easy to give our best focus to work, scrolling, or habits while giving our partner the leftovers.

Then we get practical. We share small rules that make a real difference, like creating a no-phone 10-minute check-in, sitting close enough to touch when you’re decompressing, and making your intentions visible again through texts, spoken words, or even a note on the mirror. We also introduce the 10-10-10 decision-making rule, a simple framework to help you think beyond the next 10 minutes and protect where your relationship is headed over the next 10 months and 10 years.

If you want a stronger marriage built on intentional choices, hit play, share this with a friend, and leave a review to help more couples find us.

Transcript

Welcome And What This Show Is

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, what's up? I'm Greg. I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.

SPEAKER_07 0:07

And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Thanks, Miranda. Welcome to Baggage Claim, everybody. It is a night. I'm telling you. It is.

Michael 0:24

We have been in Cinco de Mayo. It might not be when you're listening. No, it's going to be a week later. But tonight it is.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Yeah. A week later, you're going to listen to this.

Michael 0:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Thinking, did I do, did I even do anything on Cinco de Mayo? But we did it for you, so don't worry about it. If you're new to Baggage Claim, welcome. Grab your favorite drink, whatever that is, wherever you're at, whatever you're doing, and just take a deep breath and pull up to the table with us because Baggage Claim is a place where we want to create some community and conversations around blended families, relationships, marriages, and all the stuff in between. So we're all over the place. And tonight we are filling it. So the studio is full, which love uh is is we've, I mean, we literally have been in some deep conversations for the last hour before we even hit record. And it has been fun, it's been intriguing. Um, and we've been ragging on each other and having fun. So, man, and if you call baggage claim your home, thank you.

jess 1:30

Uh thanks for coming back.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Yeah, thank you. And please share, like, all that fun stuff. Um, for the 54 different countries that are out there, Jess just threw up in her mic for y'all. Right now, I hate to be. You're welcome. Oh, same difference.

SPEAKER_06 1:43

No, literally not.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

So we're talking about something really, really fun today. Uh, I think it's fun because we make them every day and we do them thousands and thousands of times, and we don't even know that we do them thousands of times. Okay. And we're gonna dig into the idea of choices. And so that's what we're gonna that that's the that's what we're gonna wrestle to the ground. You'll be like, bro, whatever. But I'm telling you, stick with me, wrestle it to the ground. Sorry. WWE side. Yeah, it's my uh it's it's coming out in me, the southern part.

jess 2:14

I saw how you said it, but I feel like it's how you should say it.

Animals Sue Humans Icebreaker

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Oh, it's how I should say it okay. It's more fun. It is more fun. So we're gonna jump into today, but before we do that, we have Thomas with us, our firefighter. So if something catches on and catches on fire in the studio, we are safe. We do have candles. Or if somebody, something happens, we have uh a team to smack us in the face and do something to get us back to it. So Thomas has our question for tonight. So what is it, Michael?

jess 2:43

Quiz. Ooh, we got bass over there with Thomas in the studio.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

It was so sexy. All right, Thomas, give us your uh give us a question.

SPEAKER_04 2:55

All right. If animals could sue humans, which species would win the biggest lawsuit and what would the charges be? I have mine.

jess 3:05

So I know mine, but I don't know if I know what the charges are.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Yeah, one more time.

SPEAKER_04 3:09

Okay, hold on.

jess 3:10

It's the teacher in me. You gotta say it twice.

SPEAKER_04 3:12

If animals could sue humans, which species would win the biggest lawsuit and what would the charges be?

SPEAKER_06 3:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 3:20

I have mine.

SPEAKER_06 3:21

Go ahead. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 3:22

Do you want to go?

SPEAKER_00 3:23

You want to read the question and go first? Yeah, I might as well. All right, just go in it. Jump in the deep end.

SPEAKER_04 3:27

Mine would probably be bees.

unknown 3:29

Ooh.

SPEAKER_04 3:30

They would win a lawsuit? Oh, yeah, for assault. Their lawsuit would be assault because all they're doing is trying to fly around and pollinate everything. Okay. And we're just out here trying to beat on them when they're trying to help the environment.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

I don't, but see, there's different kinds of bees. Like honeybees. It's such a circumstantial. Nobody assaults a honey bee. No. I don't think they only say nobody. Okay, that's kind of a broad statement. Well, yellow jackets do not pollinate. Do yellow jackets pollinate anything? Yellow jackets are not bees.

SPEAKER_04 3:57

Yellow jackets are hornets, technically. They're in the hornet family.

Michael 4:00

Well, that's why they're called yellow jackets. Because the bees sting.

SPEAKER_04 4:03

Because they wear jackets to disguise. Hornets can sting more than one time and still be alive. The bee can only sting once. Bees can sting once. If you've seen the bee movie, everybody knows this. Bees can sting one time and they die.

Michael 4:18

Are we repping the B movie right now? Is that what's happening? The Walt Disney B movie, yes.

jess 4:23

Thomas used to love that movie. You probably still do.

SPEAKER_04 4:27

Interesting. A carpenter bee, all they're doing is they're trying to find some wood. That's all they're trying to do.

Michael 4:33

They're drilling holes in my attic, is what they're doing.

SPEAKER_04 4:35

Well, you know, but then pollen bees, all they're trying to do is pollinate the environment and make pretty washes. But what would their charges be?

SPEAKER_00 4:42

Assault. You said assault.

SPEAKER_04 4:44

It would be assault. They would charge try and charge us for assault. Because we're just swatting at them like no tomorrow. Okay. Bees are anything that flies near her is going to swat at it.

jess 4:55

She just killed a flying thing a second ago. We don't even know what she's doing.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

She just assaulted something here. She's going to get sued. Which is interesting. Bees hold such a powerful role in the environment. It's insanely crazy. Yes. How powerful they're going to be.

jess 5:10

We watched the Disney Bee documentary with Lucy not too long ago. She loves bees.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

I watched a whole documentary on these guys who take bees in there. There's actually like they they hijack and steal bees because they take them out to California to pollinate at certain times of the year, and they had to have guards because people were stealing these bees. Yes. And they're it's it's insane. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 5:33

But it's a lot of money in the bee world.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

Yeah, it's crazy. All right, no one get on that rabbit trail. All right, all right, Michael.

Michael 5:40

I got an answer. Uh it's one of two or both. It would be goldfish and rabbits. But goldfish. I mean, pick what they are. All right, goldfish or rabbits. What'd you do? Well, it's similar. They are the most um frequently purchased animals that get let loose. How do you know that? Well, rabbits, well, one because I want to actually start raising rabbits, but like around Easter, all of your pet shops will cancel all of the rabbit sales. They won't sell rabbits during Easter season because they say we care too much about rabbits. We don't want you to buy these domesticated rabbits for your kids for Easter, and then a month later you let it loose in the wild.

jess 6:23

I got a pet rabbit for Easter, and I kept his name was Thumper, like in Bambi.

Michael 6:27

Oh, that's sweet.

jess 6:28

And I had him for a long time. Like he had a little wooden cradle he slept in in my room.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

That's sweet. How in the world do you because rabbits poop a lot? They do. That was a pooping machine.

jess 6:40

I have a married I have a very sweet daddy that did that part for me because I was little. I was like five.

Michael 6:46

Yeah, wow.

jess 6:46

But I had Thumper for a while.

Michael 6:49

Wow. Really?

jess 6:50

Yeah.

Michael 6:50

So I think the charge would either be neglect or breach of contract because most people tend to.

SPEAKER_03 6:56

I know, right?

Michael 6:58

I like that breach of contract. Because they'll they'll buy it as a pet and then they'll let it loose in the wild. Right? That's what I would think. Yeah. That's very well said.

jess 7:07

Okay. I have mine.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

Okay, go ahead.

jess 7:09

Um, birds like parakeets and other tropical birds.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

Like tropical birds or just like a regular like little that you put in a cage.

jess 7:18

They would they would sue us.

SPEAKER_04 7:21

Parrots and parakeets.

jess 7:22

Yeah, they would sue us for false imprisonment.

SPEAKER_04 7:24

False imprisonment. That or trauma.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Or trauma. I agree.

jess 7:32

I'm getting a pet, but actually, no, I'm keeping this thing in a cage in my house when really it needs to live in the jungle.

Michael 7:39

But couldn't a fish go by the same thing, false imprisonment, like you get them in the can I share something about an article I read about a parakeet sanctuary that they had to shut down to the public because people would go into the area where you can bird watch, and they kept teaching all the birds how to say cuss words. Really? So then now you got all these little kids coming in for you know elementary school trips, field day, and all that stuff. And the birds are just cussing out all the little cats.

SPEAKER_00 8:08

Oh my gosh, we were in the middle. We went to a little bird sanctuary in Pensacola.

jess 8:11

It was full of little green and yellow parakeets, and they were so pretty.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

And they would just land on you, and you could buy these little feeding stick things, and they would eat off them. But I'm telling you, at one point I had like 200 birds landing on me. It was like anxiety. Yeah, it was crazy.

jess 8:29

But I literally having a mental meltdown.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Yeah, go ahead, Miranda.

SPEAKER_06 8:35

Okay. I don't know what my charge would be, so help me with that. Okay. But hamsters. Oh, when they go to hibernation?

Michael 8:46

Oh, when you bury them alive?

SPEAKER_06 8:48

Yeah.

jess 8:50

Also, where do hamsters live in the world?

SPEAKER_04 8:54

Papua New Guinea. I guess where you get guinea pigs.

jess 8:59

Why do you know that? That's just a random, stupid question. That was a guess.

Michael 9:04

Alright, what charge are they getting? Are they gonna charge you with randomies guineas?

SPEAKER_06 9:08

If you buried someone alive, what charge would you get?

SPEAKER_04 9:10

Attempted murder? Yeah. Maybe.

SPEAKER_06 9:13

Maybe.

SPEAKER_04 9:14

Because when they fall asleep and act like they're It's hibernation.

SPEAKER_06 9:19

Your heart rate gets so low you can't even tell.

SPEAKER_04 9:21

They're just hibernating.

SPEAKER_06 9:22

And they're little enclosures in your home?

SPEAKER_04 9:24

Yeah. And you're like, oh man, Teddy passed away.

unknown 9:27

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 9:27

And then you carry him.

Michael 9:29

And then poor little buddy wakes up at the dump.

jess 9:32

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

Wild hamsters live in arid, warm, and dry environments across Europe, Asia, and Middle East, particularly in uh Syria. Northern China or Russia in Russia.

Michael 9:47

So they're not even native to the North Americans.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

Wow. No.

SPEAKER_04 9:51

That's crazy.

jess 9:54

Okay, what is your G Force?

SPEAKER_04 9:56

Absolutely. It's a great movie.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

All right, we are way off topic. We're way off. Um I would say deers, and it would be invasion of private property, trespassing.

jess 10:07

We're on their land.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

They don't own the land. They do. Who says they don't? They were there before. Where's the deed? Well, you don't have to be some documentation. There's no documentation. We're talking about animals soon. Well, the problem is we're in deed. Now all of a sudden we went to we're in court. So when did we become this isn't hypothetical, Greg?

Michael 10:30

This is real. We're in court.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

We are in court. Well, all of a sudden did we become real when it became my question? Not until now. We're all hypothetical. Okay, fair, fair. That's true.

SPEAKER_04 10:40

You see, my argument against that is that they're just tasty. That's all I would say. Yeah. Like I'm inventing on your property, but you taste good.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

Well, they eat everything. They eat absolutely everything in our house. Everything in our house. Everything.

jess 10:54

Why we can't have nice things outside.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

So man, wow. Choices.

jess 11:00

Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Make good choices when it comes to getting animals.

jess 11:03

That's my walkway from the coming to baggage claim. The end.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

So baggage claim, we literally are about trying to strengthen and help relationships be better at every aspect of what we do. From being a better person, being a better couple, being a better family. We believe that everything has a process. We believe there's three three areas of growth. We believe there's uh you, us, and then family. That's how we always break it down tonight. Sorry about that. I have no response for that. So tonight we're talking about the us portion, probably more of uh the couple versus the family and that, which I think is a very vital part of this process. Um the thing that kills me about marriages, and we've talked about this, and I hope that you take this. We don't really address to make our marriages better until we realize they're broken, which is a really, really sad place for us to be because um we do so much to make our homes and our lives better, but it's like looking at when do we make the choice to make our marriages better and our families better. So we're talking about choices today. And you made a statement that led into this discussion uh that we've been having for the last couple days.

jess 12:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

Um go ahead.

jess 12:29

So in your life, as you're, you know, you get married or have relationships or whatever, and then you build your family. If you think about it, your spouse or your significant other is the only person in your life that has chosen to love you. Everything else is well, because they're my parents or my my relatives or they're my children or somehow related to you.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

But it's almost an obligation. Like I have to love you because you're my kid.

jess 12:57

Right. Maybe sort of.

Michael 13:01

I really appreciate that. No problem, Tom.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

Sorry, buddy.

jess 13:05

But I didn't mean it that way, but but your your spouse they picked you.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

Right.

jess 13:13

Because they really liked you and then fell in love with you and want to build a life with you. But so like you you chose me.

unknown 13:21

I did.

jess 13:22

And so the choices, you know, to to keep choosing is where I feel like it should go.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Right. So I want to talk about which I've I found interesting because you brought that up, and I was like, well, I'm gonna dig into that a little bit. The idea of choices. Um, Thomas, I've already asked them and you weren't in here. How many choices do you think the average person makes? Just the average, everyday person. Uh I gotta get my uh reading classes to make sure I can read all this. Uh, to make uh the average adult makes estimated blank remotely conscious decisions every day. What do you think that number is?

SPEAKER_04 14:05

Like 350?

The 35,000 Choices You Make

SPEAKER_00 14:08

350? Yeah. My answer was three thousand. You said three thousand, you said I said four thousand. And do you remember what you said, Miranda?

jess 14:15

Two hundred.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

The actual average adult makes uh estimated thirty-five thousand remotely conscious decisions every day. Right. So decisions ranging from trivial automatic choices like brushing your teeth, taking a step, uh, to high impact decisions like work tasks, critical financial choices, all those other things. So it's all over the board. But in total, every single day of your life, you are making 35,000 choices. That's that's an insane number to make a lot of people.

jess 14:49

Of course, I had to go the I had to go the teacher route and I wanted to know about teachers. So teachers, then we add an extra 2,000 choices a day.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

That's because teachers don't really know what to do.

jess 15:04

I'm kidding.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

I'm kidding, educators.

Michael 15:06

I'm sorry, I was just kidding. That's a joke.

jess 15:08

That is not a territory you want to go in.

Michael 15:10

Next week, we're gonna have an episode featured without Greg. We'll let you know when we find him.

jess 15:16

But anyway, that we make a lot of choices. What were you gonna say, Michael?

Michael 15:20

I was gonna say, golly, they 35,000 choices. Can you imagine a life change if I could overly intentionally make 35,000 decisions to make my life better?

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Yeah. Well, just think about it this way. Like this is what's crazy, because it broke it down a little bit. Over 226 decisions per day are focused solely on food. So every single day you make 226 decisions solely based on food.

jess 15:51

Now I feel like they're breaking it down to like, I'm gonna take a bite now. That's a choice.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Yeah, maybe. Well, every bite is a choice. I mean, I'm gonna make that.

SPEAKER_04 16:00

I wonder if it they're breaking it down to the decisions of like, oh, I gotta poop, you know? Well, like if that's a decision you have to make because it's not, it's a decision that your body made for you. Well, and sometimes it is some some people choose not to, and they just I mean, I guess towards the end of that, you gotta make the decision of do I keep wiping or not. Oh my god. I guess you you think about it that way.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

I mean, it it's it's crazy though. Like we make a lot of decisions. Here's the thing though, we make, and this is this is the reason I bring this up, because we make a lot of unconscious decisions that we don't even think about. Our mind just automatically does them. Like when you get up in the morning, most people get up in the morning, they stretch.

unknown 16:49

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

They either cut their alarm off, they hit snooze, they do, they do those things, they get out of bed, they go brush their teeth, or they go to the bathroom. You don't even think about it. You just go do it. Yeah. Like your body, you reach that conscious decision, you're like, I'm just gonna go do that. And then when you brush your teeth, you brush your teeth with probably the same hand, the same process. Your body automatically, but you're making a choice to automatically do that. The the thought we want to provoke or kind of push to the front of your brain to think about is choosing your spouse as part of that unconscious or conscious decision that you make every day to say I'm choosing you and I'm going to love you in the way that you want to be loved, and I want to show you the love that I know you need to be to be shown to because whether you realize it or not, you are making a choice.

Michael 17:41

Ooh. Oh, 100% that that opens up.

Phones Dopamine And Split Attention

jess 17:45

Yeah, and how you're treating each other, whether it's a conscious decision or something you've just grown accustomed to because of the way things are, or whatever the case may be, you're making a choice.

SPEAKER_00 17:58

This may come as a a dagger, and I don't mean it to be. Maybe I do. I don't know. Whatever. It may be. You may you may flood our emails or our DMs. But I hear couples say all the time, I would do anything in the world for my husband. I'd lay my life down for him. Which is interesting to me because when you're with them, you can't set your phone down to be with them. But you make that broad statement that I'll do anything in the world for them. But I'm more interested in what's happening on Instagram or TikTok or YouTube or shorts or whatever those are. So it's like we make those statements, but then our actions say something completely different because we're making conscious decisions. Our our brain, our brain is sorry, I'm having our time talking. Our brain is is is is geared toward that dopamine hit of social media that we just roll that, roll that, roll that. It's like put your phone away and watch what happens. It's kind of crazy. It's kind of it's just weird.

jess 18:52

Yeah. Well, we were even talking about like in our own relationship when we first started dating, like we we talked all the time. We would message her on the phone or you know. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

I know where you go with this. Go ahead.

jess 19:10

No, I'm just saying, like stop.

SPEAKER_00 19:13

I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. So like two or three in the morning.

jess 19:18

So that was like, like you said, the dopamine hit.

SPEAKER_00 19:21

But then as time goes on and you I we were laughing about the other day because we were sitting, we went to a funeral, and then um this this bad this has been a crazy week. But we went to a funeral, we came back, and we're we threw something on the grill, and we're just sitting out back and we had a drink. We're just sitting there chatting, and I was like, you know, we were talking about the same thing about how we used to stay up till one, two, three in the morning. We'd just be chatting and and just you know, it's just a stupid crap sometimes. Yeah. And then we get up and go to work, and now I have to talk you into staying up past 8 30.

Michael 19:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:55

Like if you're up past 8 30, I'm like, whoa, what's wrong with jazz? It's like, is it a weekend?

Michael 19:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Like 8 30, you're going to bed.

Michael 20:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

So it's like to say our lives have changed would be an understatement. It's true. Um, but the thing is, is I could look at it and go, man, that was a lot of fun. I could still expect that. And I think that's where we get jacked up in marriage.

Why We Picked Each Other

jess 20:17

Well, when that was happening, I was only 34. So, like, compared to now, I feel like I was a baby. And there's a lot of life has happened since then.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

Yeah, a lot has happened since then. Yeah, it's just you you our life has changed, and you look at what you chose. You say, I chose you because of this. I fell in love with you because of this. Well, this, if you've been married for any significant amount of time, has probably changed. Would you agree?

jess 20:46

Yeah, fast forward 14 years is very different.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

Okay, so Thomas and Miranda, how long have you been married? Uh three years. The fact you had to go to the city.

jess 20:53

Oh my gosh, you said two and you said three.

SPEAKER_04 20:55

We're going on three. Three is three this fall. I like to say three because it's more fun. We'll be three in September.

jess 21:02

He says we've been together 15 years, and I'm like, nope, we've not been together 15 years.

Michael 21:06

And then my sister corrected me.

SPEAKER_04 21:08

In September, it will be three.

jess 21:09

Thank you.

unknown 21:10

Yeah.

Michael 21:10

That's not that far away. You're going on three. I'm with you, Thomas.

SPEAKER_04 21:13

We're going on three.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

You're closer to three than two.

jess 21:15

We're very much not going on 15.

SPEAKER_04 21:17

That's why I like to say three.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

We are closer to 15 than we are. What is it? 14 this.

jess 21:22

In October it'll be 14.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

You're closer to 15 than you are to one. Thank you, Michael.

jess 21:28

What?

Michael 21:29

I said you're closer to 15 than you are to one.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

So why why did you choose why did you choose Miranda?

jess 21:35

This is a podcast to the world.

SPEAKER_00 21:37

Yeah, this is literally just hard? This is not a fire station.

SPEAKER_04 21:48

I'm trying to think. I'm trying to it is a I started. I'm trying to think, I'm trying to make my response appropriate.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

It can be sex.

SPEAKER_04 21:58

Huh? Okay. Well, number one, uh she's really, really hot. Yeah, you can say that. You can say she's attractive. It's a really easy one for me initially to want to hang out with her more. Okay. Obviously. Because when we met, I was 19 years old. So it, you know. But it it's how easily our conversation flows has kept me wanting to go to her every day since the first day that we met. And the first day that we met, all I did was talk, and she just listened because I was nervous.

Michael 22:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:36

Because she was so hot, but or still is.

SPEAKER_00 22:39

But it's careful of those past tense words, bro.

SPEAKER_04 22:43

Yeah. I don't know. I still choose her every day like y'all were talking before.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Okay, stop. You don't stop, Dave. You don't say anymore. All right, Miranda, go.

SPEAKER_06 22:54

I I would say competition. No, you can't say ditto.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Sorry. That's not a lot. It doesn't work that way. No, sorry. You chose him for a different reason. I mean, he I mean, it may have been the fish photo and his Tinder profile.

SPEAKER_03 23:11

I said no. That was a massive strike for that. Just to be fair.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

Was that the one you caught when we were on the zoo bars building? Oh my god.

Michael 23:24

I said no.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

Okay, go ahead. Why'd you choose? Just for everyone listening, this is very spontaneous. I didn't give them any.

Michael 23:35

And I will say it's very entertaining to watch their faces blush like crazy because I'm trying to think of something.

SPEAKER_00 23:40

Yeah, go ahead.

jess 23:42

Put the microphone.

SPEAKER_00 23:44

No, you gotta put the microphone so people can hear you.

jess 23:48

I have to take those off. Yeah, you don't have to listen to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 23:53

Say it.

jess 23:55

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

Okay. All right. I don't know off the top of the bottom. The spotlight. The spotlight. That's all right. I'll tell you this. What what made you choose me? Um I know it's the striking blue eyes.

jess 24:07

It's your blue eyes and the blonde hair and your giant shoulders.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Um that's why you said yes. That's why I choose them. Oh, thank you, Michael. The shoulders.

jess 24:16

Um I Facebook stalked you, and I looked at pictures of you and your kids, and I could tell you're a good dad. And you just you're you have you have a really kind smile and kind eyes. So I said, okay.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

I th uh one, I'm gonna go Thomas Route, because I mean it's just sorry. I mean I thought you were really attractive. Um and and I did, but then when I got to know you, the thing that just made me say yes more than anything else is the fact that you didn't need me. You didn't even want me around. Like you're like, hey, this is what I'm doing. If you want to join, cool. If not, cool too.

jess 24:54

Yeah, I didn't want you to mess it up. Yeah, what I had going on.

SPEAKER_00 24:58

I was like, wow. Okay. I yeah, I want a girl who doesn't is not looking for me to go to fulfill something in her. You were just kind of like, I got this going, don't screw it up. If you're gonna screw it up, go somewhere else. Okay, cool.

jess 25:12

If you would try to mess this up, then you just need to move along.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

Yeah, and I think that was for me, but I look at that now, not to be beat. You are totally not that person. I'm gonna ask you to do something, you're like, I don't, I can't, I can't make that. Just call the bank. I don't want to call the bank.

jess 25:30

I can't, I'm just baby, I don't want to do anything.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

I was like, why did you don't do that?

jess 25:35

That's your fault though. You spoiled me. It's like, so I look at that. I didn't need to. When you swooped in and started taking care of me and the kids, I was just like, okay, I don't have to use my brain anymore.

SPEAKER_00 25:49

So it's it's become interesting because every single day we get up, we get to choose whether I'm going to be all in with you or I'm not going to be all in with you. I get to choose work over you. I get to choose um time to go play on a golf course or be with you or my family. Like there's so many choices that I get to make to put you first or to put you in the list. Not first, uh, maybe it's not always, but sometimes first. Um, but you're on that list, we get to choose where we fall on that.

jess 26:23

And so not even just choosing to put me on the list first, but we can choose whether or not to get annoyed by things.

Michael 26:31

And like that.

jess 26:33

Well, you could choose to be highly annoyed by the fact that I don't fold clothes and put them away.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

Okay. I do at times.

jess 26:41

You do.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

I don't say it out loud. I I I um this is being real with us. Our podcast world. So this is us just being real. I um I take suggest today, and some of you men can relate to this, is like, please, please do not let the Amazon guy show up here again today. Like, we need like we can we not do that.

jess 27:05

And you did it, hair tossed.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

And what did you say? You take it back and you said, sorry, I make your life so hard.

jess 27:11

I'm sorry I make your life so much more difficult.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

I was just like, oh my gosh, that's really that was literally the next text message I can do.

SPEAKER_07 27:19

And your response was stop it, Jess. Like, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

But it's like we there's a there's a difference, and we can we have to do it.

jess 27:28

I could choose to get annoyed that you don't put stuff away always. There's just little piles of things here and there and everywhere. But I don't get annoyed by it until until your pile on the bathroom counter gets over on my side, and I'm just like, I'm just gonna push it back over there.

SPEAKER_00 27:45

That's true.

jess 27:45

But it's still a choice.

SPEAKER_00 27:47

Yeah, it's true. I get it. I get it. So I didn't say it, but our people get to see the uh number that Tom that Michael gets to hold up when on our camera.

jess 27:59

Our minute count.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Yes, so knowing where we're at. So this isn't interesting because people would be like, okay, so what's the point?

Michael 28:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:07

I've been married, I mean, you guys have been married two years. We've been married close to 14, not 15, but 14 um years. Like, so what? What does it mean? I think it's the difference in there's not just one choice to choose you to love you. Yeah. I believe love is a choice. Absolutely. I I get to choose that every day, whether I love you, whether I love uh others, because if it's based on a feeling that comes and goes. It's up and down, it's all over the place. But as a couple, I'm gonna choose to love you whether I mean we we say these vows do through you know, through sickness and in health. We don't know what our vows were because I don't remember, but I think I think I kind of I've done a few weddings, so I remember how it is. You know, sickness and in health, and in uh for better or for worse. Yeah, basically poverty and rich. We've haven't had the rich part yet. We've had the poverty part.

jess 29:00

Right.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Um so it's just like in all circumstances I'm gonna choose you.

jess 29:04

Yes.

Work Priorities And Choosing Us

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Um that's that's the essence of what I'm saying, is it's not just one choice to choose your wife. You have to constantly choose her. She has to choose you over and over and over again. Um and I think there's there's seasons in our life where that's a harder choice than others. Yes. Um so as as guys we've talked about, I can choose to pour myself into my job, or I can choose to pour myself into my marriage.

Michael 29:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:35

See, just what's interesting to me is dudes, and this is just me gonna jump on a soapbox for a second. We'll go to a conference, we'll go do things we need to do, we'll work extra hours because we want to get ahead, we want to get that promotion, we want to get that extra money, we want to climb that ladder, we'll do those things to make our job better for financial gain. No, it's not always that financial, sometimes it is, but we rarely, as men, put that much effort into making our marriages better than we do to progressing in our jobs.

Michael 30:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

And I don't under like I don't say I don't understand. I understand. It just baffles me why we continue to do that. And then we wonder why marriages continue to fail. It's like, because you don't if you worked at it half as much as we worked at our jobs, yeah, if we worked at it half as much as we gave attention to all the other things in our lives, we would be just fine. But we don't. We choose something else other than choosing you, not just to love you, but to choose to make this relationship better. And how do I make it better? So that's the thing for me is like this is not just a one-time gig.

jess 30:42

No.

SPEAKER_00 30:42

It's not a one-time thing. I think we talk about marriages and being better, and then I'm gonna shut up because I realize I've been talking a lot. That we we look into marriage as going, oh, it's all good, it's all good, it's all good, it's all good, until it's completely broken and laying on the ground, and we're like, oh, crap. And then you're gonna when it's not good. Yeah, like, what do you mean you don't you don't know that I love you? What do you mean that you don't know these things? What do you mean that I haven't been memory?

jess 31:10

I don't know you anymore or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 31:13

Yeah. It just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart, and when I see that, I'm like, I just I don't I want us to say, let's be proactive in being better husbands, being better wives, and creating better families. Okay, I'm shut up now. So somebody has gets stuck.

SPEAKER_04 31:32

Well, no, I I agree with what you're saying because like being young and being in a career with a bunch of dudes who have young families the same way that me and Miranda do, where they're getting off a shift, they're going to work their second job, and then they come home and some of them feel like they don't even know their wives anymore, is because they don't they're not intentional with their time.

jess 31:59

That's a big one.

SPEAKER_04 32:02

I work my twenty-four hour shift and then I work my other job, and I come home and then we run the rat race of making sure that Lucy's fed, we play with her, we bathe her, we put her to bed.

jess 32:17

A 20-month-old is another full-time job. Yeah, yeah, it definitely is.

SPEAKER_04 32:21

Yeah, um 100%. But then whenever Lucy goes to bed, me and Miranda sit down, and the same thing that we do every night is we watch Ryan Trahan, shout out. We watch Ryan 3000 because he makes these fun little Minecraft YouTube videos, and it's just these mindless things that we can watch together and be like, oh my gosh, that's hilarious, and stuff like that.

jess 32:48

And you chat and it's something you do together.

SPEAKER_04 32:50

It's because we're decompressing together. We've had days that are not fun because we weren't together. So we're able to sit there, decompress, chat with each other, and it it's been the most helpful thing for us. And it's not even the Ryan thing.

Michael 33:09

No.

SPEAKER_04 33:09

Even if we don't feel like sitting there watching his videos, I'll sit in my recliner and she'll cuddle me in the recliner and we'll just talk.

jess 33:17

And that's a choice because one of you could go in your bedroom and watch TV, the other one can be in the living room, and you could be doing two, you could choose to be doing two completely different things.

SPEAKER_04 33:27

Yeah.

jess 33:27

But rather than doing that, you choose to spend time together.

SPEAKER_04 33:31

Yeah. Because us talking helps us communicate. I mean we all talk big on this podcast and I communicate, but it helps us communicate with each other about how we're feeling and everything like that. And every time that we communicate is always the question of, are you happy? And it's not a are you gonna leave me? Yeah, are you happy in this marriage? But like yeah. Are you happy? Is there anything that you want to talk about? Or always the two things. And thank God, most of the time it's no, it's yes and no. Yeah. Like yes, I'm happy, no, I don't want to talk about anything. But if it's yes, want to talk about anything, that time is blocked off for us to be able to talk about our relationship and our marriage. And that's been really helpful for us.

jess 34:18

And it's important to keep making that choice to to keep you connected.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

Yeah. It's a it it is it is really interesting to think about.

SPEAKER_04 34:28

Yeah. It's a fight, man. Because there's some days that I just want to lay there and just waste away because I'm tired.

Small Drifts And The 10 10 10 Rule

SPEAKER_00 34:35

Well, Jess and I, we're 14 years in. We made the decision this past, was it this past week or week before? I was like, man, I I miss you. And it's just it's just weird. And she's like, I was like, okay, new rule. We're gonna make a new rule. If we watch TV, we're gonna sit close enough to each other on the couch so we can touch each other. Like I can hold your hand or you're snuggled up next to me, or I'm snuggled up next to you. Deal. Because what happens is so easy. Like we have a big L-shaped couch and uh another chair. It's easier just to get in your own little space and you just kind of veg out. And like sometimes you're on your phone, sometimes you're watching TV, sometimes we're not, and it's just all over the place. So it's like even 14 years in, we're like, okay, new rule. Let's make a rule, like this is this is weird. Like if we're doing this together, let's be intentional about even the time we're sitting on the couch together. Um, and I'm not saying, bro, we're not perfect at this at all. No, we're struggling and we're fighting, we're trying to figure it out as we go. So uh, but that's something that we've we've done. So anything else to add?

Michael 35:42

Yeah, I got something. Okay, give it to me. Lynn, we're talking about this idea of choices. Um, and not to make this overly spiritual, but looking at scripture, Psalms 1 says, and I'm just gonna read the first few verses. It said, Blessed is a person who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers, but as the light is in the law of the Lord. And I've always been what I've gotten from this is whenever you stray off path, it starts in small increments. You know, you don't dive into addiction by just overnight, you're automatically addicted. Right. It starts with one decision to choose to be around it. Then it starts to, oh well, you're around it. And I love this imagery that this passage lays out. It says you don't walk in it, stand in it, then sit in it. But those are our comfort levels. Yeah. We walk around it enough, we'll be comfortable to stand in it. Where originally, first off, we weren't comfortable to stand in it, but we'd walk around it. Then once we get comfortable with it, we'll stand in it, we'll sit and stay a while. Then lastly, we're so comfortable enough, we'll sit and be there. And we embed ourselves in that. In this concept of choices, choosing your spouse every single day, consciously, being intentional. Don't let it be subconscious, where you get years down the road and it's like, well, we're married. That's what we chose to do, you know, five years ago, but that's it's just kind of where we are now. What happens, and and I kind of see this in this way, is we're not comfortable with saying, oh, divorce, right? Right away. We're not, because we chose each other. But then days will go by, weeks will go by, months will go by, year might go by that we don't consciously make that choice. Then we start getting comfortable standing in it. That's when thoughts, when arguments come up, when paths seem impossible to get across together. That's when we start thinking, oh, well, maybe I could do better at this on my own. Oh, maybe it'd be better off if we weren't married. Thoughts start creeping in. Well, then you start getting comfortable with those thoughts to the point that you actually start taking action. Or you start speaking, you start believing these things. And so when it comes to choices, this idea of conscious choices, choices every day, every week, every month, all the time, be conscious to say, I choose you. The moment we stop doing that is the moment we start subconsciously straying off path.

unknown 38:25

That's true.

Michael 38:26

And I don't know, that's just kind of what I thought of when you were talking about choices earlier. You said something that specifically triggered that in my mind. How many times do we go about our lives without making that conscious choice? And it's not sometimes that we do it on purpose, because sometimes life gets busy. Yes, that happens. Everybody walks through seasons like that, right? But the reality is, what do we do in those times? If we continue to let that be a subconscious choice where you wake up next to each other just because you got married X amount of years ago, not because you choose to do it every single night, every single day. That makes a significant difference. You know, and when you're looking at the immediate future, yeah, the next month doesn't seem that far away. It doesn't make that big of a difference. But you look at that small veer off the path 10 years from now, and you could be miles off course.

SPEAKER_00 39:16

Well, there's a um a lady, Susan Welch, she came up with a 10-10-10 rule for decision making, which is a really interesting concept. And so the it's a it's basically a framework that she created. And she's like, um this kind of helps reduce impulsive decision making or kind of manage anxiety or thinking about decisions. And the whole idea is as you think about choices in three time frames. You think about your choices in how is this how's this going to affect in 10 minutes? How's this gonna affect in 10 months? And how's this affect me in 10 years? So it's 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years. And so it's kind of a framework to think about decisions when we're making decisions just of that process. We don't think as humans, we don't think about decisions ten months down the road or 10 10 years down the road. We think about right now, like the next couple minutes. And so for us to take that into con that concept into and and put in is just kind of different. So it's just kind of a a thought or an idea around that decision-making process. When you decide to quit choosing your spouse and you start allowing those thoughts of divorce, separation, those other things come in, it becomes a lot easier just to say no and walk away.

unknown 40:38

That's true.

Practical Ways To Choose Today

SPEAKER_00 40:40

So um we're 40 minutes in, so we're we're well into this. Um give me a uh a one pack unpack. One pack. A unpack one thing you can do um this week.

jess 40:58

Uh choose each other on purpose.

SPEAKER_00 41:01

Okay, what does that look like? Tell me, give me, I mean, I'm talking like I'm more practical. Like, tell me how you do that.

jess 41:08

I don't I mean, I I wake up choosing to think positive thoughts about you.

SPEAKER_00 41:13

Okay.

jess 41:14

That's a I mean, that's a pretty basic place to start.

SPEAKER_00 41:17

Okay. And I would say to add to that, you should probably text those practical, fun choosing you thoughts to text or say them out loud to it. Yeah, say them or or text them or let them know, communicate that.

Michael 41:30

Anyone else? I've got one. And it it's vastly different from what yours was. But uh and I don't know, I I think of this in terms because currently I'm single, so um for me it kind of uh it's on a different level with everyone else in this room currently, but choices aren't just simply in relationships, it's everything you do. It's it is your health, it's your finances, it's everything. So I don't know, honestly, when we were about 15 minutes in, I wrote under my phone a note on my phone. I actually want to uh get a, and I don't even know what this would be like because I've never seen anything like it. I would maybe have to go design it, but I want to get a picture on my wall. Just as I choose. Just something that I see every day that reminds me, choices matter.

SPEAKER_06 42:20

They do.

Michael 42:21

Choices matter. So regardless of whether it's in my profession, what I do for my work, what I do for a living, whether that's my friendships, relationships, whether whether that's my finances, whatever it is, I choose because no one else chooses for me. I choose. Whether it's conscious or subconscious, I choose. Yep. 1000%.

SPEAKER_00 42:41

Wow. That's a good one. You need anything else? Uh young couple?

SPEAKER_04 42:46

I'd say sit down for 10 minutes without your phone with your significant other and just talk to him. See what's happening. Spend that 10 minutes of intentional time.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

Gotcha.

jess 42:57

That's hard to do these days.

SPEAKER_04 42:59

It is.

SPEAKER_00 42:59

I say when you say without your phone, take your phone and leave it in another room. Don't put it in your pocket. Because it goes off, it buzzes, and then you're boom, you're done.

SPEAKER_04 43:09

Set a 10-minute timer on your phone. Take your smartwatch off and set your phone in the other side of the room or in another room. Set a 10-minute timer, and maybe you hear the timer, maybe you don't.

jess 43:23

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 43:24

You just sit there and talk to each other.

jess 43:25

Because what's going to happen is that 10 minutes is going to fly by and you're going to not want to be done with that 10 minute time frame you're setting for yourself, and that gets easier and easier.

SPEAKER_00 43:35

Yeah, that's a good place to start.

jess 43:36

Yeah, it's a great place to start.

SPEAKER_00 43:39

I th I think more than anything, I'm I'm a proponent of make your make your decisions, make your intentions known. So when I just when I pick you, I used to do this and I suck at it now. Suck at it. Uh I had dry erase markers that were in our bathroom and I would have to be.

jess 43:58

Well, they were in our home office. But you brought them in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 44:01

I did. And I would write on Jess's mirror like I love you or I choose you or Um You're Beautiful Today. And I would just write things on her mirror. And so you could just wipe them off because they're stri race markers. But just in I wanted her to know my heart.

unknown 44:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:17

And I'm my heart is I'm choosing you. Um so I think anytime we do that, making our intentions known toward that is always a good thing. So it just re-emphasizes the hey, I'm here with you. I'm I'm fighting with you.

jess 44:35

Neither one of us do either of those things anymore.

SPEAKER_00 44:37

No, we don't because we're 14 years in. That's uh it's just different. But that's the here here's where I go back to. We chose to do those things because we wanted to invest in each other. We're 14 years in and we feel comfortable and we're choosing not to do them as much, which makes it easier to stray. Not to stray, but just to to just I guess wander on art. Yeah.

Michael 45:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:00

And it's just sad.

Michael 45:01

It is.

Reviews Free Audit And Closing

SPEAKER_00 45:02

So uh do something to let the other person in your life or whether you're wherever you're at in the relationship world to let the other person know you're choosing them. I think that's a value um you're never gonna go wrong with. Anything else to add? Comment. My uh my request for you is if you found something useful, helpful, good out of this, like it. Uh if you feel really, really gutsy and you've had way too many drinks, then go leave us a review. It could be fun. Uh and I would love for that. Um, it helps us on Apple, uh, Spotify, those things. Uh more than anything, we offer, we want to hear, we we want to help you. And so we've created kind of a nine-step process for um walking through having a healthier, better marriage. We have an audit on our on our website, it's completely free. Go to unpacktogether.com. It's right there on the front page. Take the free audit, kind of just answers 27 questions. It's really simple. You do it on your phone, you do it on your laptop, iPad, whatever it is. Uh, you get your results. I'm not selling you anything, I'm not pushing anything to you. I just want you to kind of have a picture, a snapshot of where you're at in your relationship. Um, go do that. We would love that. That's just something free we're offering. Browse around the website, check it out, see what you think.

jess 46:20

Go to You put in a lot of work there, you and Michael.

SPEAKER_00 46:23

Yeah. So it's just been something we want to help provide resources and stuff there for you. Tell us how we can get better. You know, DM us, uh, email us, info at unpackt together.com, info at unpacktogether.com. And that's it. So that's all I got. That's my spiel. Yep. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for listening. Thank you for the download. Uh, we're trying to hit a massive number this year, so please like, subscribe, share it with your friends, tell them it changed your life, even if it didn't, it's okay tell voila. Uh but anyway, it's spring, fall is coming, and all I can say is