Season 1: Question 2 - What lessons have you learned from watching loved ones get older?

What lessons have you learned from watching loved ones get older?

Transcript

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welcome to 10 women bringing together 10 women with 10 thought-provoking questions based on one theme during this episode of 10 women we will hear 10 different answers to this question what lessons have you learned from watching loved ones get older each of us have watched other women grow older sometimes we'll see someone as a great example and you're thinking Ah that's one I'm going to do when I get older and others you're thinking H I hope I'd hope I don't do that when I get older but each of those moments have taught you something about how you approach life I had this Aunt who had embraced life hard she was just one of those people who wanted to get all the marrow out of all the bones of life right um she would go traveling with her husband they had Hobbies they they learned how to ballroom dance I mean it was just all the things um when and then she was diagnosed with with uh breast cancer and but she approached that diagnosis with the same type of energy she had was so positive and she just embraced every moment she could um during all of her um remissions and eventually even into her death and that's the way I kind of want to approach um growing older for sure when I hear this question I think about my grandmother I think think about how I want to grow old with Grace and a little bit of Mischief she was very active she loved to walk she read every day and so she kept her body sharp and her mind sharp and that physical activity that mental activity really helped her at the when she became older um just you know to to to greet it with Grace and Mischief yeah before we hear the 10 answers remember to take a moment to think about your own answer to this question what what lessons have you learned from watching loved ones get older and don't forget that we want to hear your answers too follow our 10 women series on Instagram to share your thoughts and to read the responses of others in our community visit our website to find other ways to connect um hi my name is Michelle I am a gynecologist bicyclist and and someone who loves life that's a great question really the biggest lesson that both I and my wife Candace have learned and this is really nice when you have somebody to be able to go through this process together and to understand uh what it is that's happening um both both of us have learned that there is just this sort of narrowing of ability to change over time and it hasn't been with everybody necessarily that I see but it is with a lot of people that I see saw it with my grandmother seeing it now with my mother you my grandmother not wanting to give up the shoes that she had for 25 years that she had bought when they were cheap and now they didn't fit her feet anymore my mother who couldn't give up a small box of Q-tips that probably is older than me um the the the idea that you you have a harder time adapting as you get older and the idea now that we have tried to describe and tried to to understand in between the two of us is how do we kind of avoid that how can we grow through that so that even if we don't like change that is coming we have a better understanding of of how we can um how how things do change and and it's okay um and it may be a generational thing in a lot of ways um although it's it may be easier for our coming generation because we've been through different things we've been through a lot of different things getting my parents to move into abbottswood independent living right now to Candace and I it looks like we're going back to the dorms they have a meal plan they have activities I mean they may even have to worry about the next door neighbor that's playing their TV too loud I mean all of those things that you that we remember growing up that we experienced for us when it comes to our time maybe it won't be as hard but for my Mom it just is a struggle to think of that change from house ownership having everything that she wants in exactly the place that she wants it to now moving into a smaller place and having everything change my name is Kimberly Burke and I'm a human a teacher and a lover I've learned that things can change on a dime um that aging can be really brutal you know I watched most of the women in my life um because I'm in a kind of a unique situation where my brothers were 21 and 19 years older than me so my parents were significantly older they were like my friends grandparents age um so I was raised kind of differently than most of my peers um and which in a way was fantastic but it meant that I got to see a lot of death early on because everybody was dying off um and as it stands now I have one family member left who's an elderly woman and everybody else is gone so that shapes everything um but it also shaped like that generation didn't talk about aging nobody ever you know they didn't talked to me about things like having a period but never mind menopause and the things that I'm experiencing I think somebody could have maybe clued me in shared this with me um so it I've realized that it can be really brutal you know we had a lot of Dementia in our family and I took care of my mom for seven years and kind of watched her do really kind of crazy horrible mean things um and that terrifies me so I I can't say that I've had well my dad I guess he aged beautifully um he actually walked 10 miles the day he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 27 days later um but never lost his faculties never lost his love um so that was a positive experience but aging is pretty scary to me uh my name is Abigail dun Moses and I I am an educator of adults who heals the Brokenhearted I value wisdom uh experience-based wisdom not just stuff off the internet um so as my friends have grown older I've noticed that uh they have that experience-based wisdom that is just Irreplaceable um so that's what I've learned and then when I think about my grandchildren uh they just uh they light up my world and uh what I learned from them is effort they're constantly striving to learn constantly striving to make the next uh physical Milestone uh and they don't quit they don't quit and I admire that tremendously I am Lanna Martin and I am an aunt a daughter and a friend I guess well unfortunately I had to watch my dad die not too long ago I was like maybe 2 years it might be 2 years coming up um so just and he wasn't even that old but it's just taking care of your health is important so I'm more on top of that I think now just from watching him go through um battling cancer and then my mom she's also getting older um and I help take care of her so seeing her go through having arthritis in both knees and struggling to get around and not like wanting to get knee replacement surgery has made me like if I need a surgery I'm going to get it cuz just the quality of your life is so much better and I just don't want to let little fears and stuff like that stop me from doing the things I should do and the things I want to do you know while I can um well one thing I actually am seeing a wellness doctor now instead of just my primary so we're going to work on losing pounds getting healthier all that good stuff so that's one thing um and also cleaning getting rid of stuff so your family doesn't have to deal with getting rid of your junk so I've been organizing and getting rid of stuff so those kinds of things my name is Abigail more and I am an entrepreneur a lawyer and an enog 7 acceptance I've watched women gracefully change and expand or contract or become soft and love themselves through that um and I think that's helped me me accept and love that too I I particularly love watching actresses is an odd thing to say cuz so many actresses do a lot to their faces but there are a few that um you watch them and they haven't done anything and you I've been watching them in films or TVs for 20 years and I'm like I love that they are aging so beautifully and what letting us all in on it and not pretending that that's not happening um my sister passed away 10 years ago and was 5 six when she died and I'm now older than she was when she died and so I embrace that gift that I'm still here so rather than feel like oh I want to try and look younger I'm like I'm still here and I'm grateful for that and so accepting aging and the wisdom that it brings is is a gift that I've I've I don't get to watch from my one sister but I do get to see it from my other sister who's actually 18 years older than I am and she's aging beautifully and gracefully and loves every minute of it my name is Judy Fowler I am an educator a mom and a team player this one was a very important question for me to read recently because I feel like this is something that's very timely um both my wife and I are helping parents who are aging and figuring out who we are in this and our our new roles with this it's really interesting especially having younger children because we want to talk about this and be very open and not to say that hey one day you're going to take care of us but yet in one day you will have the same responsibility that we we're both experiencing my parents are older but they're in a little bit better health fortunately but we've had to deal with hospitals and all these different things um I think it's the weird feeling of there's a part of me even though I'm my age I still look at my parents as if I'm I remember what it was like when I was looking as an 18-year-old or I have these visions of a 25-year-old or even 10 years ago and to see them I still kind of see who I feel like I've always seen until some things happen my mom had a fall recently and just something where uh she just from the story just she fell there was nothing not like a big gust of came by or anything but she just fell but to see the scrape and the bruising on her face really was something that um was kind of like tainted my view of her from what I've always had so it was a really interesting space that I'm currently in with that um I don't know exactly how to feel about it other than cognitively I understand this is the aging process but emotionally I'm not ready for it it's interesting with my family and especially with um the Korean culture we don't talk a about a lot of things in in general you know so when we try to have these conversations um it's always been pulling can we please get some more information I remember when uh my wife and I we first put together all of our all the will all the all that stuff and we were really excited about getting that done and I remember asking my dad hey we did this and you know I know you have yours where is your where is it oh I have it I I know you have it but where is it still don't know I have a feeling I know where it is so it's it's also holding on to these conversations I've kind of tucked that in the back of my mind knowing that you're going to have to remember this and you're have to remember to start digging sooner but it's it's it's a it's a hard space too because I want to respect where they are with things in their process you know I I remember one time they actually moved from um Ohio Columbus Ohio down here about 11 years ago and uh we were in the process of moving from um outside of Greensboro into uh where we live now and we were kidding but not kidding and saying hey let's let's let's just get a bigger house let's just all be together you we have kid you know they were totally surprised about the fact that we were planning on having children and um I like you be with the kids all the time but you know my mom said something that that held with me too is we don't want in her words we don't want to give up our independence either so I have to respect that and remembering when I was that child who wanted the independence and how they had to let me even though they probably did not want to let me be as independent as I wanted it's it's this role reversal thing that's really it kind of messes with your mind in some ways but that's where I'm trying to be very respectful and try to figure out where is that new meeting place where where are we meeting in the middle and I have no answer for that yet cuz it's always evolving every day is different my name is Terry Wiggins and I am a woman I am a mother and I am a daughter as I was younger I really perceived Elders particularly my grandparents as very loving active uh passionate about what they did in life adventurous and then kind of in middle age diseases and illnesses popped up closer to my face and um particularly my parents and it was uh something that was harder to witness um my dad actually died in 2005 and I was there to witness um his death and he really had the most beautiful um death that one could ever have he was ready for it he was not afraid he said take care of take care of your mom for us and so that was beautiful I was right there and um as I witnessed my mother after his death it was very very difficult she spiraled downward into depression she felt lost disconnected um she really disengaged with a lot of the things that she had been a part of she'd been in a bridge club for over 40 years she used to go to church she went very rarely she was a person who helped kids learn how to read she stopped that and then she um stopped reading herself she was an Avid Reader so all that to say I I witnessed this and then the last year and a half of her life I actually got to live with her so I supported her by making sure medications were in order and I drove her places and we really had a lovely reconnection and um we supported each other really so that was um something she was afraid of dying and I was there for her and I continued to support her on thinking it's not it's not so bad so she um she passed and um I think that illnesses and diseases in general can make people um kind of go into worry go into fear and not be present in life and lose kind of the joy and the passion of being here so that's my closeup witnessing of of Aging my name is Susan sasman and I am an extrovert a creative Visionary and a nurturing kind of gal the big lesson I've learned about watching my friends and family grow older is that we need to stop doing organ recital every time we get together with our our people an organ recital being let me tell you how my organs are falling apart let me start at the top and go all the way down and that seems to take up a whole lot of energy and conversation amongst people and once you get on that role it doesn't really stop and so I've really made it a point to stop the organ recitals or to keep them limited to um give myself two to three minutes to give an overview when people say how are you doing and then move on to something more you know enjoyable and so I call it the organ recital to everyone I know and if they go on a little bit too long I will make that comment that oh it's organ recital time and they get it and they change the direction because I think the more you talk about what's wrong with you the sicker you're going to get the more you focus on your bad back or your sore your headache or whatever it is that's bothering you is not going to really make you feel better commiserating with other people that have the same problem is a there's a benefit to that but I would say go and have a cup of tea with that person and don't drag us all through your organ recital so that's the best one I've learned other things are uh learn how to Value yourself a little more as a woman we spent way too much of our time taking care of everybody we are the glue in the family and in the society and we very very often put ourselves last and now that I'm 70 I'm realizing that taking care of me first is really the way to do it so that I can be more helpful to the people around me and it was a very long road to learn that my needs should be a priority to me so I'm happy to say I've got that one now here's one too I don't want to stay at the party too long meaning when I want to exit the planet I'm going to exit the planet I'm very big on right to die whenever you choose and I'm not fond of just watching myself get sicker and sicker in a nursing home hanging over a wheelchair I think um you should never stay too long at the party so when you're having more distress than you are having fun and that goes on for a period of time I think it's time to think about how you might want to exit and I belong to lots of different groups that talk about death and dying and the rights of people and so I feel like I'm pretty informed on that and um I'd like to see a planet where we can have that privilege the same privilege that we give to our pets that we could give to each other and let each other go in a gentle loving fashion without making it illegal to leave the planet my name is an Sparks hyphen bomb Gardner and I am a caregiver um I'm a member of a women's organization that I'm very passionate about I am a cyclist um I'm a road road cyclist and um I love being outdoors well um you know I watched my mother as she aged and aged and she was great in her even at 100 she was still wonderful it was at when she was 102 that she she that the dementia started to to kick in um but again it's it's taking care of yourself um trying to stay active keep the body moving I mean if you don't keep the and that's why right now I'm trying to go to three yoga classes a week because I'm finding that the it's really helping you know just even if it's not real I'm not doing pretzels I'm uh I'm I'm just doing easy stuff but that keeps me keeps me moving keeps me stimulated and although I I I today I was in shavasana and I was still thinking about this letter that I'm going to write to a dentist because I'm angry at him about doing something to my sister that was not correct and so I'm not I'm not being in the moment and I want to be in the moment so I I sometimes pop out of that but then I say okay bring yourself back bring yourself back but so uh I guess watching I have another old old sister who lives in British Columbia and she has all kinds of ailments and so seeing some a lot of my friends and and just knowing Annie you have got to eat right you've got to exercise you need to stay healthy um because I'm really worried about what's going to happen down the road my name is Marie Leonard and I am a mom a daughter and an energetic lover of life you can't avoid it um there's it's sort of like a train that's just it's it's going and so with seeing my mom and my grandma and others um sometimes it's it's very um fun and and they have a carefreeness and then other times it's hard um because something is diminished or there's health challenges um but what I've seen like when I think about my mom in particular who's had both very important health challenges but I've seen a just a blooming of of like creativity um and she just doesn't care about a lot of things I I have to keep it PG but she doesn't have a lot of crap to give about a lot of extra nonsense but she will just throw herself into creativity and so she's like making these books in these journals and we might like them or not like them she doesn't I mean she enjoys if we like them but at the end of the day she's going to make them regardless um and so i s see that um when I think about my my grandma she just cared just really cared about us she's like the the hen who wants always wants her chickens in the house um so yeah I think I see those two people playing it that out um but also dealing with some really big Health stuff too so aging I think is just a bit of surrender to like the reality of whatever comes your way and you can't 100% control it and that is also hard because a lot of Our Lives we try to like get things in order and like make it happen but then then you you know a doctor's visit and everything is now in a New Direction so that can be hard yeah so let's bring it back to the question what lessons have you learned from watching loved ones get older how difficult was that question for you to answer and be honest after you answer this question for yourself think about reaching out to other women in your life for their answers remember to share your answers with us in our 10 women series on Instagram we can't wait to read your answers and speaking of ANS answers we've actually got some different answers on our Instagram page that's because we asked all the women's surprise questions to learn more about them join us on Instagram at 10w women series to hear their answers we hope you will join us every Tuesday for a new episode wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts this series is distributed both as an audio only and a YouTube video format to allow you to enjoy each episode your preferred way be sure to visit our website at w www sassy.com to learn more about this series and all the places you can find us 10 women is a production of sassan media Amy Brown and Sarah Howard producers feel free to send us an email at sassy medag gmail.com special thanks to the women of season 1 Kimberly Burke Judy Fowler Michelle Horvath Marie Leonard lyanna Martin Abigail dun Moses Susan sasman Abigail Seymour an Sparks bum gner and Terry Wiggins