002: My Late Diagnosis Journey: Finding Self Acceptance as AuDHD

What happens when you discover at age 30 that your brain is wired differently? In this vulnerable episode, I share my emotional journey to receiving my autism and ADHD late diagnosis as an adult woman, and how it fundamentally changed my understanding of myself.

For years I struggled without knowing why things felt harder for me. Why I was overwhelmed in situations others found easy, why I couldn't "just fit in," and why I felt so different. I discuss the workplace experience that triggered my diagnosis search, navigating the healthcare system to get answers, and the complex mix of validation and grief that came with finally understanding my neurodivergent identity.

This episode explores:

• Growing up "quirky" without understanding why
• The hidden presentation of ADHD in women
• Navigating medication and treatment options
• The unexpected emotional impact of late diagnosis
• Why knowing you're different provides freedom

Whether you're questioning your own neurodivergence, already diagnosed, or supporting someone who is, this episode offers perspective on the life-changing impact of understanding your neurotype. As I continue to learn about my autistic and ADHD brain, I've discovered that acceptance is the first step toward living authentically.

Connect with me: 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rhiannonc/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rhiannoncooperpt/ 

Email: rhiannon@notsotypicalfitness.co.uk 

♻️ Share this with someone who needs to it so that they know they're going to be OK as they navigate their diagnosis journey.

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Transcript

0:00

So if this is your first time joining me, welcome. And hello. Mine is Brianna and I am the founder creator. It has no trainer. Person behind not so typical fitness. I've nosed when I was 30 years old, about two years ago, almost three years ago, and everything in my life has changed. Some, most things for the better, definitely most things for the better, but life is still tough at times, and I think it always will be. I do consider myself to be disabled because the impact that my neurodivergence have on my ability to do things, it's undeniable. So I do consider myself to have a disability because of my autism and ADHD. I know that some people out there don't, and that is fine. I'm a big believer in you, do you? I don't think your diagnosis can change who you are. For me, I sought out diagnosis to understand why I am the way I am, and I think that that's the difference that I seem to encounter a lot. So there seems to be this idea at the moment that it is cool to have a diagnosis and something you want to have, or at least that is how the media portrays it sometimes. And I'll be honest, it's one of the most infuriating things to hear because I can tell you, if I had a choice, I would not want to be autistic. I would not want to be autistic, and I wouldn't want to have ADHD because they do impact me in more ways than one. And yeah, they're not all good. I laugh because I do like my brain sometimes. I think in a very different way. I really do think outside the box. My thinking sometimes knows no bounds. So yeah, I wouldn't change my brain, I guess, but my autism and ADHD, it's not something I would want someone else to have because it's hard, life is hard with it. And yeah, that's what I'm gonna talk about today is essentially what led me to seeking out diagnosis because I have always been a quirky person. So back in school, I was horse mad. I loved horses. And I don't know if you can see, if anyone's watching this on YouTube, I have some sort of horse-esque, that's it, just here in my background, that's a wooden carving of a horse head. And in front of me here on my wall, I have a portrait of my horse, old horse, that I lost sadly, a while ago. So I was always horse mad as a child. I don't know why, I just was, that was my thing, I guess. There's often funny, I don't know if it would be a meme or just this thing that does the rounds on social media. And it will be, there was always one girl at school who would run around with riding her on, jumping over drains, neighing like a horse. That was me. I had a big panther with a certain gait, like one leg leading and then the other leg leading. And like I was doing a dress large chest and stuff. And that was me. I was just quirky. I didn't really, you know, think anything of it. And to be honest, I hinted at this last episode. Lots of my childhood is just dark areas. I just, I don't really remember. I don't know why. I think it's probably childhood trauma. I talk to a therapist about it every week, if you're listening high. But there are a large portions of my childhood that I don't remember. So when somebody asks what we like as a child, I struggle. I can only tell them what my parents told me. And yeah, it wasn't my childhood really, albeit the stressful childhood I had. And looking back now, I see the things I do remember as a young adult and early teen. There are so many things that just scream autism and ADHD, but not in that typical way that we imagine ADHD presents, which is usually in hyperactive boys. That definitely was my interpretation of it. And I wasn't a hyperactive boy. I was very quiet, conscientious, Rhiannon. And that was me. But anyway, my diagnosis journey wasn't because of thinking back and looking at how I was growing up. It was actually something that happened really recently in my thirties. So I had taken on a different job. I had left where I was currently working because I fell off my horse, but I had at the time I broke my wrist and actually I couldn't drive the job I did at the time. I needed to drive. And so I was forced in a way to leave and move on. Although I don't think that in itself was a bad thing looking back. So I do try when I'm looking back on things, I reflect a lot. This is something that I do. And I do try and find the positives. And I am one of those people that believe everything happens for a reason. And I cringe a bit when I say it because I don't mean when somebody gets poorly and I hate it when somebody comes back and says, oh, so there's a reason why my insert relative is ill. And it's like, I don't mean like that, but on this bigger journey of life, I think that things happen for a reason. For me, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to be what you think. I'm a big believer in we can disagree. We can agree to disagree. And I do that a lot because I struggle with debates because I get so emotional. My go-to response is to be upset. I can be happy and I can cry. I can be angry and I will cry. I can be sad and I will cry. Basically any emotion, I will cry, which means debate when they get heated and they're usually emotionally driven when it comes to me. I just can't do because I just get upset. And I hate it. I hate it a lot. Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about today. Well, I guess it is partly, but change jobs. I went from being, if you break it down into like a description type thing, a traveling salesperson for horses, let's say for tax. I sold saddles. So I left my horse, couldn't drive. Also lost a lot of confidence when it came to horses and horse riding, just being around them in general, understandably, did have to have surgery. So it was quite traumatic. But I left that job and I got a job selling insurance on the telephone. So work from home, roll. My career history had been pretty typical for ADHD, to be honest, or undiagnosed ADHD. I think I crossed about 19 different jobs in about 15 different industries in about 12 years. So to put that into perspective, that's a lot of starting a job, lasting six months, realizing it's not for me or getting bored or frustrated or not fitting in, not really knowing why I didn't fit in. So there's this history of me always working hard to get somewhere, wanting to make a difference and then not being able to, not being able to flourish in the role or just never finding myself. So I joined this insurance company as a work from home insurance salesperson and I mastered it. I would basically do my sales pitch on it a headset and with different people, warm calling, I guess. And what I would do at first, I'd colour in at the same time, but then that got a bit boring, I guess. And I was still selling, hitting targets and things. Then I started playing Sudoku at the same time. So I'd be having my conversations with potential customers and taking sales while I was playing Sudoku all the time. And I would literally go through books and books of Sudoku. I could just engage this different part of my brain. And that goes in, but actually is something that I like about my brain. Not many people can have conversations, sell something, make a sale and still play Sudoku and get it right. So maybe my brain isn't all bad, but yeah. I don't think being able to do that rules out the other stressful things that I experienced. But anyway, I did enjoy the Sudoku sales, I used to call them. The issue arose where I had to go to London. So we had a monthly team meeting in London and yeah, we'd go into London. Now I don't like London. London, now I remember I wasn't diagnosed at this point. So I just knew that I don't like busy places. I would get quite claustrophobic on a tube. I don't like not knowing where I'm going. And I find the tubes confusing. That was all I knew. So bless my fantastic partner who I just couldn't do life without in all honesty. She would sit down with me and we'd plan the route, the tube journey. I'd have everything that I would need to be able to navigate the tube alone. I still would have to ask people. I still have this thing even to this day. If I go to London and I go on the tube, I mean, even if I know where I need to go, I have to go and ask someone at the ticket barrier. It's the thing. It's like genuinely like I can't trust myself to get it right. Even though that I've done the prep and even if someone's helped me do it, I still don't trust myself. That's something there. Anyway, so first ever time I had to go to London was the Christmas party because I joined that organization in November. And so the next team meet was in December. Office party, joy, because I don't drink either. That's gonna be a whole other story of why I don't do that because I could, but I choose not to. Anyway, I really didn't want to go to be honest. I don't party. I don't like London. I just, oh, it was just, I want to say series of unfortunate events, but I don't know if that's the right use of that saying, but it wasn't going to be a good day for me. I kind of knew that it was gonna be tiring and overwhelming. And I would be, I guess going through the motions because I was told I had to go. There was no option. I remember, did the day, that was okay. Then we all went to our hotel to check in and then we were meeting back at the office for this awards night, which was with my team. And when we arrived, I was wearing pretty much the same clothes that I wore in the day because it was still at the office and people were coming in dresses and it was, it was, it was not my vibe, not my vibe. The music was loud. They, they, I don't want to be rude because I'm sure that if you enjoyed that sort of environment and you partied and you drank and stuff, you'd love it. But for me, it just was a hellish nightmare on earth, to be honest. It was loud. They'd decorated the office with shiny things and they have lights. And I don't even know if I'm exaggerating this in my head, but that's what it felt like. And they do these awards and they'd be banging on the tables and whooping and everyone was drinking lots. It wasn't like a professional event where someone has a glass of champagne because that's what everyone's doing. This was an event where people were drinking to get pissed and I don't drink. I hate being around drunk people. They're unpredictable. So it was really hard, but I did it. But about halfway through the awards night, or ceremony or party, I just shut down. It was like my body and my mind just, I mean, I can't even explain it. It just stopped. So I physically didn't stop. I was still present, but mentally I was not present at all. I couldn't really speak. I mean, to be honest, no one was talking to me. I wasn't winning an award. I wasn't involved in a group. I was just sat there literally willing the time to pass. It wasn't nice. And I can only describe it a bit like a shutdown or I think now I would say I disassociated in that moment. It was horrible and nobody really checked in with me. I don't, I don't know, just kind of felt invisible, but in a good way because I didn't want anyone to ask if I was all right because I wasn't all right. So maybe they would have had they, maybe they got that vibe. I don't know. We never really spoke about it. It was just, I was the weird person, you know, just like I was a horse person at school. I was this awkward person at this place, but I did manage to get home. They were all, we wrapped up the awards night and I just sat there and I did manage to go home. Somebody basically gave me permission. They were like, you don't, you don't have to stay because we're just going to go out now. Do you want to go back to the hotel? And it was like a nod and off I went kind of thing. So I did make my way back to the hotel. I called my wife on the walk there because she's my calming person and it was really difficult because I didn't, I couldn't process why I had sat down like that, why I couldn't communicate. I also had physical things like my heart was pounding and I didn't, I wasn't, I wasn't doing anything. I was just sat there. And it just was this new experience that I couldn't understand. I didn't like how it made me feel. I didn't like that. I just, I didn't feel present and that's quite triggering in a way. So when I came home the next day, spoke to my wife and we decided that, why don't you think we decided? I started Googling because I needed to understand why this had happened because physically I was okay. Nothing, I wasn't ill, but something happened. It was like I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't deal and I just disappeared for a bit. And as I was Googling and researching, I stumbled onto autism and autism burnout and disassociation and all of these things that suddenly made sense. Now, if you have perceived your own diagnosis, you've probably, and you're a late diagnosed person, you have probably gone through a big deep dive into autism because that's what we do. That's what we do. We think something happens or we have some reason to be Googling or researching. And then these things start coming up and you're like, oh, that's me. And then you read a bit more because it's making sense and then you see something else and that's me. And you read a bit more and a bit more and you just suddenly, at least in my experience, everything I was reading about autism as a late diagnosed female, I was just ticking every box and suddenly things started to click and make sense. And it explained what had happened. And it also explained things like why I plan things so much, but also explained why I can't bear it when a plan doesn't go to plan. So let's use the London trip here. If I had gone to get tube A and for whatever reason, tube A wasn't tube A, it wasn't running, it being canceled or broken, I would find it very, very difficult, if not impossible to change my route because I cannot do that spontaneity. I'd like to know where I'm going, what I'm doing. And I decided that, okay, I'm a big, I, self-diagnosis, okay, is a huge, a huge thing that a lot of people have opinions on. Now I am of the mind that if you believe that you are autistic and I, I think I do differentiate here between autism and ADHD because ADHD can medicate. So I do have, I think self-diagnosis is valid to a point, but I can explain that after. With autism though, if you have researched autism because you truly feel that something is autistic about you or like you've stumbled onto this autism deep dive and everything starts making sense and you believe yourself to be autistic, I believe you to be autistic too. I personally don't feel that you need a formal diagnosis to be autistic. But for me and lots of other people, a self-diagnosis does not give you the protection that you need at work. And so I decided I would go to the doctor to have a chat because at this point I already knew about reasonable adjustments. I already knew about things I could try and put in place and coping strategy and things, but I just wanted a bit of reassurance for work so that I could ask for things to be a bit different because I needed them to be different. And rather than there being any concern over me actually needing these things, if I have a diagnosis, then I'm protected. It's the Equality Act as well, because I believe as I said, that being neurodivergent is a disability. And I wanted that protection because I've never really been protected my whole life. And this was an opportunity to gain that protection. So I went to the doctor and I laugh because this story, I feel like it's really long and I'm sure it's not, but this is my whole life. So I'm trying to condense my whole life really into a single episode of a podcast. And the reality is that my whole life will be my whole podcast every episode that I do. And it's very hard not to just want to talk to you about all of these things because every time I seem to open my mouth and talk to somebody about it, they resonate. And it means I just want to talk about more and more and more. So I hope you're in for the long haul, the long run, the long term, because I think there'll be a few episodes. I hope there will be. I don't think I'll ever run out of things to talk about. So I went to the doctor and I said, what happened at this work event? I said, I got on this research thing and discovered autism. And I really think I might be autistic. Can I get a diagnosis? When was this? This would have been 2022. So I think after COVID and I think, why is that important? I'm not sure why it's important. Oh, no, this is why it's important in my brain today. So after COVID, because so many of the NHS services had not shut down, but gone on to, I guess, wait lists. And we all know the reason I won't go into that. There's long wait lists for anything, basically, that wasn't an emergency. So I went to my GP. Oh, I think I've got autism. GP was like, well, that's great. Well, he didn't say that's great. Actually, he was very supportive. He said, okay, that's interesting. I believe that it's worth seeking further, what's the word I want? It's worth pursuing to find out, but I have nowhere to refer you to. And I just sat there and I was like, what? He's like, there's nowhere for me to refer you, an adult to in that area for an autism diagnosis. What I can do is refer you for an ADHD diagnosis. So I sat there and I think I've taken my wife or maybe I went on my own, I can't remember. I sat there and I was like, so, but I don't think I've got ADHD. And the doctor explained that there's quite a high crossover between autism and ADHD and how I considered it. And the answer was no, because I don't know about anyone else. When I get this idea in my head or an inkling, then I would just run with it. And I haven't, when I started thinking, oh, I might be autistic, I run with autism and I didn't even consider anything else because it's autism. So the doctor gave me two questionnaires. One was for autism, one was for ADHD, because he told me that based on what I said, there was a lot of crossover with my symptoms or my experiences that could be ADHD. So take both of these, fill them both in, bring them back and we'll see what we can do. So I took both of the questionnaires, came home. I mean, this is just a nightmare in itself because trying to get somebody, so now I am diagnosed autistic ADHD. Trying to get somebody undiagnosed or even diagnosed to be honest, to sit and fill out a form, a big form, two of them that are quite complicated, is near impossible. I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. When you're autistic, you kind of, sorry, or ADHD, just neurodivergent, you can often have something that you really, really, really, really need to do and you really gotta deal with it. Things will not happen until you deal with the thing that needs dealing with, but can you deal with it? No. Bills would come through the post, would I open them? No, I'd put them in a pile, put them in a pile. It wouldn't even be out of sight, out of mind. They should be in a pile where I'd see them all the time and then be hit with this shame or guilt every time I'd walk up the stairs because there's this pile of bills by the door. But it wouldn't just be bills, it'd be any form of post, wouldn't wanna open it. And these surveys and questionnaires felt like that. There was something shameful about the fact I just couldn't sit down and do it, I couldn't do it. It was, I don't think it was that it was too hard. I don't know, it's mentally, I just, I couldn't do it. So again, my wife, my superstar of every story really, one day I was like, you really need to fill out these forms. So she literally sat with me and went through them and I wouldn't have done them without her. So if you are seeing a diagnosis and you know you're gonna struggle with things like that, if you can, oh, enlist or enroll, I'm not sure I, all my words today. Somebody to be your accountability person maybe, who can just sit down with you and do it is so useful. I'd really recommend it. Anyway, she helped me fill out both of these forms. I took them both out. She helped me fill out both of the forms. And I remember I did the autism on first and I was like, well, yeah, I know, I know that I'm autistic really. Everything makes sense already. I kind of, this is me. Did the ADHD one. I was like blown away really by the amount of things I was being asked that I could answer yes to. And I had never really considered the fact that, now I think it's different now. So I'm just gonna preface this with, I'm not gonna get the terminology right here because I don't really stay in the loop so much because common affairs cause me huge amounts of stress. So I try and avoid them. And there's been a lot of changes with terminology, I think. But you have ADHD, so attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, but you have inattentive, ADD, inattentive deficit disorder. I don't know. Inattentive. I don't know, but anyway, you've got different versions or different ways that ADHD can present itself. And I didn't realize that. I thought it was just these hyperactive boys and I wasn't that. And so I couldn't have ADHD. Well, I was blown away, honestly, by the results of this survey. And I say the results like I knew the answer, I didn't. But when you're filling out a survey, you kind of get an idea as to whether you are or aren't gonna be hitting the criteria as such. So it was again like, oh my gosh, do I have that? Cause I never researched it either, right? At this point, took those forms back, doctor looks at them. Okay, can't do anything with the autism one, but we can send your ADHD form to right to choose. So he couldn't just get me diagnosed. I had to go through this thing where you choose your provider again. I can't explain it well. And I can absolutely suggest people who can help you with a diagnosis journey and where to go and things like that. But I have lost my train of thought. So I took the questionnaires in autism one, he just sort of put down, but the ADHD one he referred me for the investigative work or to seek a diagnosis. The interesting thing with ADHD is it can be medicated. Now there is a whole debate around whether you need to medicate it, whether you want to medicate it because of side effects and things. And then there's that kind of argument that goes on here, which is, well, you've got so far, you've got a degree, you've got a job. So why do you need to pursue even a diagnosis, let alone medication? But for me, I needed to know why I am the way I am. So when the doctor said we could go through right to choose, I went with it. Cut forward, I think about nine months. It took about nine months in total. And now I was lucky really then with that wait list. Now it's years. So I somehow managed to get ahead of this. I don't know if it was like the pre-COVID delay or just more awareness over neurodivergence, which resonated with a lot of people, but I got in before that. And I went through an assessment with Psychiatry UK. That was who I had for my ADHD diagnosis. And I had a face-to-face video call thing with a psychiatrist who asked me lots of questions. And I got my diagnosis. And now I'm going to say ADHD plus ADHD, which is kind of odd. Even now, I feel like this weird imposter syndrome to having it. But by that point, I had gone down in ADHD rabbit hell, and then in all DHD, all like AU DHD, never know how to say it, so I should say AU-DHD. So I don't know why I said "all DHD" because it feels weird when I say it, but that seems to be what some people say and that's fine. I'd gone on a deep dive and I had realised that I was. again. And I used to sit, this is often a tangent here, there's a show, there's a couple of shows on Netflix or BBC, iPlayer, whatever, like The Undateables or, so there's Undateables and then there's Down With Love. There's a few, it was more The Undateables back then. So 10-15 years ago I would watch The Undateables and they would always have autistic people on there or neurodivergent people and I would sit there and I'd really resonate with something that they would say. And I would turn to the person who would be watching it and they'd be like "I do that" and they'd be like "you're not like that" and I'd always just feel, actually I'd feel crap because it was like "but I am like that". And the thing with autism is it's a spectrum and what that means is it doesn't mean that you are a little bit autistic and a lot autistic. If autism is human traits, okay, so human traits that could be I get nervous on public transport or it could be that I am light sensitive, it might be that you struggle when plans change. These are all human traits. Everyone experiences them but the amount in which they experience them is different. When you're autistic all of these human traits that are normal, they impact you in a way that is not normal or not typical. And so I like to imagine your spectrum, it's more to do with segments and you might not have a big segment when it comes to something. Let's say when plans change, like you can handle that great but all of your other segments might be huge, you can be autistic. The spectrum is more to do with how these different autistic human traits impact you. So you can have two autistic people and we can do the same thing, we'll be impacted completely differently. Some autistic people can be really quite sociable, some autistic people go non-verbal and that's the spectrum. The spectrum isn't a little bit autistic or a lot autistic, it's not low functioning or high functioning which again is another one of these things that I think is quite contentious when it's discussed around people in the know. Not me apparently. But I think there's a big thing here that autism is different in every single person and that is why it's a spectrum because somebody who's not experiencing sensory overwhelm here is no less autistic than somebody who is experiencing sensory overwhelm here. It's just that their experiences in that moment are different because it's a spectrum. Anyway, when my psychiatrist discussed medication with me and having a knowledge of ADHD at that point, I decided that yeah let's try it because actually I wasn't happy, I wasn't happy at all. The self-diagnosis was valid for a certain extent even for the ADHD but I had the opportunity to maybe improve my life so I went for my titration. I tried a few actually. I tried ritalin first and it didn't work. I mean it worked in some respects. I focused really well, it did help me a lot. We've just been able to finish a task and do it well and quickly but I got these like hammer headaches where I'd be say if I sat here it would literally feel like someone came behind me with a sledgehammer and slammed it into the back of my head and the weirdest part is that it would only happen, it didn't happen a lot because I could choose to avoid it, but if I had an orgasm which was rare because I'm mentally unwell and I haven't really felt sexual in a long time but on the rare occasion when I did it was like the moment of climax somebody was hitting me in the head of a sledgehammer and I wouldn't be able to move. It was awful and the first time I genuinely thought I was going to die because I didn't understand what it was. I spoke to my consultant about it, a psychiatrist. He recommended I went to the doctor and I wore this heart rate monitor thing for 24 hours and he did all of that and actually turned out I think that it was my blood pressure and when you're in that heightened arousal state your blood pressure increases and yeah we decided to get off the ritalin because it didn't happen before. So I stopped that and I was so scared that I was not going to be allowed to take a different type because the the positive differences had been night and day and I was terrified that the doctor would say we can't medicate you, that's how good it was and I didn't want to risk my life with my blood pressure so I wasn't going to continue it but it was really difficult actually to stop that one but thank god I could try a different one. So now I take dexamethemin which is in the same family, I think it's silanametamin but it's different to ritalin and I take that and I had to sort of trial a few different doses but honestly changed my life hugely. So I still take it today unless I forget but I'm meant to take it up to three times a day and I always take it the first time and then sometimes I forget because that's the thing. ADHD medication, so amphetamines in particular, it's a classified drug so when I go pick it up from the pharmacy it's locked in a cabinet, it's not just there to be grabbed, they have to go and unlock it, it's a thing they have to sign it out to me because it is an addictive substance and yet I forget to take it all the time but this is the thing, the effect of amphetamines on somebody with ADHD is almost the opposite effect to somebody who is taking it recreationally because it actually has this like calming effect on my brain which I know sounds odd but my brain is running at about a thousand miles per hour. The best way to describe it is that there's internet tabs so if my brain and this is not my description, this is something I read on the internet or something, if my brain is an internet search, internet, oh no words, if my brain is Google Chrome, my ADHD is having a million gazillion tabs open all at the same time but not just having these tabs open, you've got one that's playing you an advert but you can hear it, you know an advert auto plays and you can hear it like on YouTube. There may be one of them is Spotify as well and it's playing audiobook but there may may have also got Netflix on another one and I just can't work out where they're coming from to go in and focus on that thing and it's just an overwhelming mess of different tabs and that's it. What the ADHD meds for me do is they allow me to take an objective look at all the tabs, work out which ones are playing the music and then navigate in and go and shut that music off and then what I end up with is a Google Chrome where I can now use it and navigate and I can find the tabs. They're all still there but none of them are trying to overpower the other one in taking my attention. So it was great. What wasn't so great is by treating my ADHD symptoms like my overwhelm it almost felt like I got like quote unquote more autistic. It was like over time my ADHD and autistic traits had sort of merged into me and then we dealt with the ADHD that all to the ones which are so much more present in me and so even though I'm a big believer of self-diagnosis I needed to know for sure because I was starting to struggle at work. I was starting to need reasonable adjustments. I was starting to have to live a bit differently to a couple days for my brain and I just wanted that bit of paper even for me to say you are autistic because for me the diagnosis is about knowing who you are and it is so easy to think for me don't be so stupid you can't be or they must be wrong or just just get on with it. Stop being difficult. Just why are you so difficult and it's like I was always gaslighting myself and my self-diagnosis wasn't enough for me to confidently tell myself it's okay and that is why I then went and sought out a autism diagnosis. I've spoken about this before but I am exceptionally lucky and privileged to have my autism diagnosis because I wasn't able to get referred anywhere. What I was able to do was pay to go privately and me and my partner had some inheritance and we actually put that money towards my autism diagnosis. It wasn't cheap. I think it was about £2,500 and this was in 2022. I'm not sure what it is now in 2025 but I needed it. I needed to know once and for all am I or aren't I because I needed to learn to accept myself and to be kinder to myself and stop holding myself against this measuring stick of what I felt I should be able to do and I needed something that said it's okay to be not okay and it's okay to not have to do that because you're a bit different and here's the proof. Because I'm so... I don't know if logical is the right word. I needed evidence or proof basically so that was why I did it and that was an interesting experience because I had to get my parents to write letters about what it was like as a child because where I went which was Axia in Cheshire they wanted this bigger picture of who I was as a kid and I didn't remember. I just didn't remember what childhood was like but I guess they also wanted from an objective objective from a more objective point of view. I hope that's the right word. Someone who knew me as opposed to me remembering because when we remember we can remember things incorrectly. Anyway I was absolutely astonished actually because it turned out my mum said in her letter because I did get to see it that I think one of the teachers in primary school had suggested that I might be autistic and I think that my mum and dad they took me to the doctors. They didn't say this in the note but when I discussed it after I took them to the doctor but the doctor wouldn't do anything because it wasn't commonplace so much back then. But she also sent the letter that they didn't want to label me. They didn't want to put me in a box. Now I'm telling you as a late diagnosed autistic ADHD female I've always been in a box. I have always been in a box. I've always been the quirky girl, the weirdo, the freak, the loner. I've always been in a box. The difference though is that I didn't know what box I was in and if I had known what box I was in maybe I could have made friends. Oh I'm emotional. If I've known even that I might be different I could have been so much kinder to myself growing If I had just known then I would have been a bit more emotional. Life would have been very different I think and I know that the grass is always greener on the other side and it always will be. I know that. I'm also very aware that I cannot term at the time and I cannot say I wish it was different because it won't be different. It isn't. This is my life. But God I wish I had known. I wish I had known because then I could have known that I will never fit in in the way that I'm trying so hard to fit in. I would know that my box is different to their box and that's okay. I think the reason I'm so emotional is growing up without knowing why you are the way you are is really hard. It's really hard and because you don't know that you're different because you don't know that you're different you just end up trying to just Just to force yourself through life you're just so focused on surviving and just trying so hard to fit in that you don't enjoy anything. You can't enjoy anything because it's exhausting, it's tiring, it's never ending. And I think I truly think I lived the first 30 years of my life without really taking much in. My mum also told me in or in this letter she said that she would have to explain to me emotion. So if someone was an RC to me at school and I didn't understand why she'd have to explain why they acted the way they did. It's like I couldn't. I couldn't. I was so focused on just trying to fit in that I couldn't accept. I couldn't take anything else on. It's like I was at capacity. That's what it feels like anyway because I don't remember those conversations and even now it's a lot easier now three years on than it was at first because I honestly I felt this like deep grief for myself. It was like when I got my diagnosis there was these two different things going on. The first one is finally understanding so much about my life. So much about different situations and memories and things I didn't understand and why I was the way I was and that is empowering because it enables you to tell yourself it's okay. It's okay. I'm honestly it's okay. There's something in that and it stops you trying to push to be this idea of who you need to be because you can just be you and you're different literally you're different and that's okay. But on the other hand there's this grief and it is grief for the version of you that can never be and will never be but could have been had someone advocated for you and that grief is hard and totally unexpected. I did not expect to feel grief. I expected to feel just this sight this acceptance and I did feel it but this grief was hard and it is hard and I still get as you can tell emotional because life has been so so hard and it didn't need to be this way and you can say this about anything okay neurotypical or not neurodivergent or not you can always say well life could be easier and yeah okay it could be it could be that you have a job with more money. It could be that you didn't have that argument with your friend or your mom okay. It could be different but you are talking about single events or something that would improve life. I'm talking about the fact that my brain is wired differently and I didn't know why or how or I just didn't know why. I didn't know why things were harder for me and why I couldn't I just I always was quirky and different always I could never just accept that because I didn't think I was different because fundamentally we're the same I'm a person we should work the same nobody else is finding this overwhelming so I shouldn't either and it's this constant daily bullying of myself internally why can't I just be like that am I broken I used to feel broken like I just I wasn't I wasn't right in the head how I used to feel or I used to feel like why does everybody treat me differently what's wrong with me that's what I used to feel wish that it had been different and someone had pushed for me to get a diagnosis as a child because just knowing that you are different means you stop forcing yourself to to be who you think you should be and it is exhausting as well by the way I'm going to talk about masking in a future episode but when you mask it's exhausting and you reach burnout and you don't know what it is and why and you don't know who you are you don't know what music you like nothing you don't really know who you are at all and that's tiring because it's like playing a role all the time autism is like playing the wrong script in the wrong role in the wrong show and not even meaning to be on tv that's what it feels like nothing makes sense until you know you're autistic and then you can look at it and be like but I'm playing the wrong role in the wrong I'm reading the wrong script in the wrong role or the wrong tv show and I'm not an actor so I'm gonna leave a diagnosis gives you that power to know that crikey so that is I mean I'm gonna say brief because it is really a brief diagnosis story for me it has changed my life and now three years later I'm not ruled by my diagnosis I'm not it quotes disabled by my diagnosis in the sense of it doesn't hold me back but I am disabled because it impacts my ability to do things that other people can do and so this is a whole other conversation as well but you can still be successful and be autistic you can still be successful and have ADHD you can still push yourself out of your comfort zone when you have ADHD and autism you just have to want to do it and it doesn't put you in box because you're in a box anyway it just lets you know what box you're in and it lets you find other people in the same box or in their own autism box but one that sort of sits comfortably next to yours rather than trying to sit next to a spiky hedgehog because that's what it feels like so if you're a parent out there and you've an inkling that your child might be autistic or have autistic traits or ADHD please please start a conversation with a a GP a doctor or somebody because I promise you that not knowing is so much worse than knowing especially now where I think there's so much more awareness this is why so many more people are getting diagnosed is because we now understand how autism neurodivergent ADHD OCD BPD there are so many neurodivergent conditions or uh I'm not sure what the word is so many things out there we understand so much more now and there is support available now that wasn't there for me as a child so please don't don't ignore it because that's the worst thing you could do I think there is comfort in knowing who you are and it's okay for that person to be different and not be neurotypical the comfort is in knowing that you're not neurotypical or the ability to tell yourself that it's okay because I'm different it's okay to struggle because I'm different it's okay to have to plan things a bit differently because actually my brain is different that is where the power comes from knowing with a diagnosis I promise I will talk more about fitness in a future episode but for now I'm going to leave it there because I've spoken a lot and waffled a lot and I think it had to be said it's important and it is a huge huge part like part of my journey and who I am and why I want to do what I do if you have any questions about the diagnosis or right to choose or anything really um leave a comment or reach out to my email or one of my social media pages I'll link them in the description if you don't follow me already I am more than happy to talk to you about these things because the more we talk about it the easier it gets and the more I talk about even just for myself it's that reminder that it's okay for me it's okay and that's important so if you've stuck with me this long on the not so typical fitness podcast again thank you be sure to like share subscribe follow all of those good things but most importantly please share this episode with somebody who needs to hear it somebody who needs to know that it's okay to to be different or it's okay to not be okay or share it to a parent who might be uming and airing over whether they should pursue a diagnosis for their child because honestly I'm telling you please they just will want to know they just want to know so yeah that is it for this one share this to people that you feel need to hear this message and I will chat to you next week thanks for listening thanks for watching if you're on youtube I'll talk to you soon thanks bye