Break the Argument Cycle: Go From Conflict to Connection

Caught in repetitive and frustrating conversations with loved ones? Discover the transformative power of validation. As a medical doctor and the mother of teenagers, I've been through a lot. I'll share how validation can reduce defensiveness and foster meaningful connections. Drawing from dialectical behavioral therapy and my journey with my daughter, I unravel the powerful impact of acknowledging feelings and expressions. You'll learn a three-step process for validation that can turn conflicts into harmonious dialogues, much like tuning two pianos to play in sync.

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Chapters

• 0:01 Transforming Difficult Conversations Through Validation
• 10:52 Building Trust Through Validation

Transcript

Lisa: 0:01

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to navigate difficult conversations with ease, while you end up in the same exhausting arguments over and over? Think about your last difficult conversation. Maybe your teenager stormed off. Maybe your spouse just shut down. Maybe your aging parent refused to even discuss getting help with something that they desperately needed help with. These moments leave us feeling helpless and wondering where we went wrong. The longer the conversation goes on, the more defensive or angry everyone becomes.

Lisa: 0:33

There's a way out of that that I want to teach you. My name is Lisa, I'm a medical doctor, a mom of teenagers, and I've lived a pretty crazy life. I'm here to share with you what I've learned along the way about creating calm and finding some clarity. If you're anything like me, you probably try to fix things to be helpful. Here's what you should do. Why don't you try? What if you just? We mean well, right, but somehow these conversations keep ending in the same place, with everyone feeling more distant and more alone.

Lisa: 1:06

That's where validation comes in. It's simple but powerful. Validation means acknowledging someone's feelings and perspective as understandable, given their situation. It isn't just saying I understand or complimenting them, and it definitely isn't telling someone that you agree with their behavior. It's saying given everything you're dealing with, it makes sense that you feel this way. Before I talk about how to do this, let me share something that fascinates me about our brains. They're built for connection. When someone truly validates our feelings, their brain actually syncs up with ours. It's not just nice words. Their brain is literally resonating with our emotional state. Think of it like two pianos. When someone validates you, both pianos play in harmony, but when they jump straight to problem-solving: total discord. Think about the last time someone truly understood how you felt. Your whole body probably relaxed, right. That's your nervous system responding to that moment of connection.

Lisa: 2:12

With my medical background, I find the physical effects of validation remarkable. Our stress hormones decrease, our heart rate slows, those defensive walls start coming down and, most importantly, we feel connected instead of alone. You might be wondering where I learned about validation. It was not in medical school. My journey with this started when one of my own children needed support with mental health challenges. That's when I was involved in a therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy, and a big part of that therapy was learning about validation. Being a doctor did not prepare me for sitting on the parent side of therapy. Those sessions really changed everything about how I understood communication. Shout out to Megan at Compass Health. Let me break this down into three simple steps that can transform those difficult conversations we talked about earlier. I use these every day, not because I'm perfect at them, but because I've seen how they can turn conflicts into connections. Step one: find the kernel of truth. This is where I used to get stuck and sometimes still do.

Lisa: 3:20

Even when you completely disagree with what someone's doing, there's usually something understandable about how they're feeling. Let me give you some examples. Your teenager is furious about a very reasonable curfew. The kernel? Feeling like you have less freedom than your friends is frustrating. Your spouse is stressed out about something that seems very small. The kernel? When we're overwhelmed, even tiny things can feel huge. Your elderly parent is fighting against getting help in the house. The kernel? N obody wants to lose independence.

Lisa: 3:57

Step two: express the validation. Here's your validation cheat sheet the phrases that can help turn those tense moments into opportunities for connection. When your teenager's overwhelmed with school, try something like with all these tests and projects due at once, of course, you're feeling stressed. Or if your spouse is frustrated after work, you could say given everything on your plate right now, it really makes sense. You're overwhelmed when your parents resistant to change, you could say. I can see why those changes feel threatening, especially after managing on your own for so long. There's one more step. But before I share that, I want to warn you about something. There's one tiny word that can really destroy your validation efforts. It's ". You never want to say that when you are validating, and I'll explain why in a minute.

Lisa: 4:50

Step three: listen with an open heart. Here's what I've learned through my own family's journey. Validation is often just the beginning. When someone feels truly understood, they start sharing what's really going on beneath the surface. They share real feelings, not just complaints. So get ready to listen without judgment to how the other person responds to that validation. One way to really foster connection with the other person while we're listening as they respond to our validation is to have our body language sync up with connection. Remember how I talked about our brains. Syncing up Our body language is a huge part of that connection. When we soften our jaw, we let our shoulders drop. When we relax our hands and open them up a little bit, we're not just showing that we're listening, we're actually calming down our own nervous system. And when we maintain gentle eye contact, not staring, just staying connected we help the person feel safe enough to open up. Here's an example of how validation helped our family.

Lisa: 5:56

A few years ago, my daughter was a teenager. We were always arguing about the way she dressed. I tried to be an open-minded parent, at least more open-minded than my parents were but some of her outfits were just too much too adult or too dark or just too out there, and I was worried that her outfits had people looking at us strangely. We got in a bad cycle where the more I criticized her and sent her back to change her clothes before we went somewhere, the more defiant she became with her dressing and the more she would purposely pick out things that she knew I would say no to. I hated how much we were arguing. While I didn't agree with her behavior, there was a kernel of truth I could validate, and so I did. She spent a lot of time creating those different looks and she was really good at expressing her individuality and expressing her moods through all those different outfits and accessories. So I told her that it had to be frustrating to hear she needed to change her clothes when how she expressed herself was so important to her. I'll never forget it. She was very quiet and then she said, "Thanks, om". It wasn't perfect, we still had some arguments. It wasn't perfect, we still had some arguments, but we were able to have calmer discussions more often about how she dressed. She was able to understand my concerns more and not immediately get defensive. I was able to remind myself that I had a very creative daughter who just needed to express herself. We really started meeting in the middle.

Lisa: 7:29

You know what's humbling, though, even knowing all this, I still catch myself making some mistakes. Let me share some of the most common ones. I've seen derail really potentially connecting moments. The first one is the " trap. It shows up like this "I understand you're stressed, but you still need to get your homework done. I understand you're stressed, but you still need to get your homework done. Or I know this is hard, but you can't talk to me that way. Or I can see why you're upset, but you're overreacting. Remember that brain sync we talked about earlier that little "disruptsb disrupts everything that we've built through validation. It's like offering someone a hug and then pulling away just as they reach out. In fact, this kind of emotional bait and switch can feel worse than no validation at all. Instead, try these approaches. I can see how stressed you are. Let's figure out the homework situation together. This is really hard. How can we talk about it in a way that works for both of us? Or with everything going on, of course you're feeling upset. Tell me more about what's frustrating you. The next one is the quick-fix temptation. Here's another trap I had to unlearn: rushing to fix things. With emotional conversations, moving too fast actually slows everything down. Remember those frustrating moments when everyone feels more distant? That's often because we jump to solutions before building connection.

Lisa: 9:02

Validation isn't just a box to check before getting to solutions. It's what makes solutions possible in the first place. Just because you validated someone and they accepted it well doesn't mean you're going to be able to move on to talk about solutions in that very same conversation. Sometimes you're just setting the stage for a later one. Another one is the comparison trap. We've all done this, trying to help others by saying things like, "when I was your age or other people have it worse, or I know exactly how you feel. I had that happen to me, or even your brother handles this just fine. Even when we mean well, those comparisons just make people feel more alone and more misunderstood. They're actually the opposite of validation. Remember those exhausting conversations we talked about at the beginning? This is where you start seeing them transform when you use validation.

Lisa: 10:01

Let me tell you what happens when people start using validation consistently. I've seen this in my own family and science backs it up. Right away you'll notice that arguments cool down faster. Defensive walls we talked about start coming down more easily. The long-term changes are really remarkable. Over time, as validation becomes your natural response and you you do it regularly, trust grows deeper. People come to you with their real struggles and problem solving becomes easier because you're working together. Surprisingly, you'll also find yourself feeling calmer too. Those same neural networks that help us understand others start helping us understand and connect with ourselves better. It's like developing an emotional superpower that works both ways. Let me be really honest with you.

Lisa: 10:52

This is not a quick fix. Some days you'll nail it. Other days you'll find yourself halfway through a but statement and have to start over. That's completely normal. Remember what we learned about neural pathways we're rewiring them and that takes time. You also may have times when you validate really well and you're proud of yourself, and it still falls flat and the other person doesn't seem to notice or accept it. That's okay. Keep trying, it's worth it. Here's your challenge Start with just one intentional moment of validation each day.

Lisa: 11:29

And here's a tip Practice when things are calm, not just during difficult moments. Try validating something like your teenager's comment about a strict teacher, or your spouse's tired sigh after work, or your parents' stories about the past that they're retelling. Remember those three steps we talked about. Find that kernel of truth even when you disagree. Express validation without the but. Keep your body relaxed and listen with an open heart. Each time you validate someone, you're not just improving that moment, you're building a stronger relationship for all the moments to come.

Lisa: 12:11

I'd love to hear how this works for you. Please share your experiences. What surprised you, what challenged you? Sometimes, our best insights come from sharing our journeys with each other. If you found this helpful, please subscribe so I can keep talking about creating more peace in your life. As a family doctor and a mom who's been through a lot of tough times, I'm just so passionate about sharing what really works, not in theory, but in real life. Remember, every time you validate someone's experience, you're not just acknowledging their feelings, you're creating that beautiful neural sync we talked about. You're building trust and, more importantly, you're laying the foundation for a more peaceful life.