Don't Assume the Worst: The Stories our Brain Tells Aren't Always True

We often jump to conclusions and take on unneeded stress. Our minds "fill in the blanks" to create the worst-case scenario for simple misunderstandings.

In this episode, we will talk about a simple three-step method to help retrain our brains to assume others have benign intent and avoid a lot of unnecessary worry.

Transcript

You know that moment when your stomach drops? Maybe you see an email chain that you weren't included on, or your partner walks by without their usual "hello"?  Your mind starts racing to all the worst possibilities.  I've seen how quickly our minds can create unnecessary drama. But here's the good news.

Once you understand why your brain does this, you can actually rewire this response.

I'm Dr. Lisa and what I'm about to share with you transformed how I handle potentially triggering situations. The science behind this is incredible. Our brains are literally designed to jump to conclusions. And while this trait once kept us alive, it's now creating chaos in our relationships and our daily lives.

Let me explain what's happening in the moment when something seems off. That pit in your stomach, it's your brain's ancient alarm system at work.  Think about it like having an overactive security system. One that was perfectly calibrated for a world full of real physical dangers, but now it keeps setting off false alarms in our modern social environment.

Every time you encounter an ambiguous situation, like that email chain you weren't included on, Your brain starts playing detective, but here's the twist. It's not really an objective detective. It's more like a worried friend who's watched way too many crime shows and sees danger everywhere.  That's because thousands of years ago, the humans who survived weren't the optimistic ones who thought, I'm sure those tracks aren't from something that would eat me. They were the cautious ones who assumed the worst and stayed safe.

We're literally carrying around survival programming that's now misinterpreting social situations as survival threats.

Think about the last time you were left off an email chain at work. Your brain's threat detection system probably kicked into high gear, right? In an instant, you're running through worst-case scenarios. "They don't want me on the project." "My boss must be losing confidence in me." "Everyone knows something I don't."

 It's like your mind becomes a screenwriter for a workplace drama, and not a very optimistic one. The problem is, just like most dramatic Netflix shows, these mental stories are usually more fiction than fact.

What makes the pattern tricky, though, is that very occasionally our negative assumptions are right. And our brains love to point this out. Remember that one time when someone really was plotting against you? But here's what I've learned watching hundreds of these situations play out. For every one time our negative assumption is right, we've probably had at least 50 unnecessary stress responses to completely innocent situations. That's 50 times that we've let our body be flooded with stress hormones that we didn't need to have.

Let me share three practical tools that can help you break the pattern.

I call them the Notice, Explore, and Clarify approach. They're simple enough to use anywhere,  but powerful enough to change how you experience potentially triggering situations. Step one: notice your alert system. Think of this like learning to read your body's early warning signs before your mind even starts crafting those worst-case scenarios.

Your body does send out signals. Maybe your jaw tightens or your shoulders creep up towards your ears. Some people feel it in their stomach. Others in their chest. These physical signs aren't the enemies. They're actually helpful messengers. They're saying, hey, we're about to jump to conclusions here. Once you start recognizing these alerts, you can catch yourself before you spiral into those negative assumptions.

Step two is to explore multiple storylines. This is where we put on our detective hat, but instead of looking for clues that support our worst fears, we're going to gather all possible explanations.  I like to think of this as writing multiple endings to the stories.

Let's take the example of your partner walking by without saying hello. Worst case ending, they're mad at me.

Alternative ending number one, they had a rough day at work. Alternative ending number two. They're deep in thought about something. Alternative ending number three, they have a headache.  Best case ending. They're planning something really nice for me and trying not to give it away.

The key is not to force yourself to believe the best-case scenario.

It's simply to remind yourself that your first assumption, the worst-case ending, isn't the only possible story. And when you give yourself that range of endings. And you include the best case ending, you can see how things are much more likely in the middle and that the worst case ending, they're mad at me, is just as unlikely as the best case ending.

Step three is to clarify with genuine curiosity. Here's where most people get stuck. They either stew in their assumptions or they come in hot with accusations. Instead, approach the situation with real curiosity, like a scientist gathering data, rather than a prosecutor building a case.

In this final step, we're going to clarify what the story really is. You need to explicitly ask what the story is. Simple phrases that work might be, "Hey, I noticed blank. What's going on?"  Or, "Can you help me understand this situation?"  Or even, "I might be overthinking this, but this seemed unusual." Then, give the other person a chance to fill you in.

The trick is to ask it in a very neutral way that makes it easy for the other person to share what's really happening. And most of the time what you'll discover will surprise you in a good way. 

Let me share how this plays out in real life. Remember the work email situation? Instead of spending hours crafting worst-case scenarios in your head, you might say something like, Hey, I noticed there's a discussion about the Johnson Project. I'd love to understand where that's headed.  What typically happens is something like, Oh shoot, I totally forgot to add you.

Or, I thought you were swamped with another project. Or, I was just about to forward this to you. What's fascinating is how this shift in approach affects your whole system. When you stop assuming the worst, your stress levels naturally decrease. You start sleeping better. No more 3 a.m. worry sessions.
Your relationships improve because people feel safe being honest with you.  And you actually become better at spotting real problems when they do occur. 

Think of it like adjusting the sensitivity on that security system we talked about earlier. You're not turning it off completely. You're just calibrating it to modern life.  You're not turning it off completely, you're just calibrating it to modern life. You're teaching your brain to distinguish between tigers and shadows.

I've seen this transformation happen in my own life, and it really decreases my anxiety. When I teach it to others, one of the most rewarding things is watching people's faces when they realize how many imagined disasters they've been carrying around unnecessarily.  And here's something else cool about this practice. It actually creates a ripple effect. When you stop assuming the worst, you become someone that others trust to bring their concerns to.

You become known as the person who doesn't jump to conclusions. In workplace terms, that's really leadership material. In relationship terms, that's someone that people feel safe with. 

Look, we're never going to completely eliminate our brain's tendency to assume the worst, and that's okay. This is not about becoming blindly optimistic. It's about finding that sweet spot between being alert to real problems and creating unnecessary stress for ourselves. So here's my invitation to you.

For the next week, become like a scientist in your own life. Pick one type of situation that typically triggers your worst-case assumptions. Maybe it's work communications. Maybe it's your teenager's mood shifts. It could be your partner's behavior. It could be interactions on social media.  Notice when your alert system activates.

 Write down your initial assumption. Get it out of your head and onto paper. Then write down at least three alternative explanations. Even write down the best-case scenario. Finally, if it's appropriate and you need to, seek clarification with genuine curiosity.

Keep track of what you discover. I bet you'll find that the reality is usually much less dramatic than your first assumption.  And even in those rare cases where there is a real problem, you'll be in a much better position to handle it with a clear head. Share your experiences in the comments below. What triggered your worst-case thinking?

What happened when you explored other possibilities? Your story might help someone else recognize their own pattern.

If you found this helpful, subscribe for more practical strategies about decreasing drama and living with more ease. I'm really passionate about sharing things that I've learned about managing stress and creating more calm. Every time you pause before assuming the worst, you're not just avoiding unnecessary drama, you're creating a life where people feel safe.

Being honest with you and honestly feel safe making a mistake or forgetting something, forgetting to share something with you.

They'll know that you're not going to stew on it and think the worst. They'll know that you trust them. 

They know that you'll keep a clear head and get more information when you need to.

When you do this regularly, you're going to build up stronger relationships, and you're going to free up a lot of mental energy that you used to spend writing those worst-case scenarios. Thanks for listening. Until next time, stay curious about what else might be true.