Embrace the Paradox: Finding Peace in Holding Two Truths

This episode explores the significance of embracing internal conflicts and understanding how to hold two truths simultaneously. By acknowledging cognitive dissonance, listeners can achieve personal growth, strengthen relationships, and navigate the complexities of life with greater emotional flexibility. 
• Recognizing the struggle between ambition and family presence 
• Understanding how our brains categorize experiences 
• Defining cognitive dissonance and its effects 
• Importance of holding multiple truths for personal growth 
• Steps to notice either/or thinking 
• Writing down conflicting truths to align feelings 
• Expanding our view through curiosity and insight 
• Transformative power of recognizing complexity in relationships 
• Practical exercises for fostering understanding and connection

Chapters

• 0:00 Balancing two truths
• 1:02 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance
• 1:29 The Brain's Instinct to Categorize
• 1:55 Embracing Complexity in Modern Life
• 5:27 Practical Steps to Hold Multiple Truths
• 7:45 Examples of Holding Multiple Truths
• 8:34 Transforming Relationships with Dual Truths
• 10:23 Conclusion: Embracing Complexity

Transcript

Lisa: 0:00

Have you ever caught yourself thinking that you must be a really terrible parent because you lost your temper, or wondered how you can be both successful at work and present for your family? Stop for a moment, take a breath. These struggles are trying to teach us something important. From my years as a family doctor and my own journey, I've discovered something really powerful about how to handle those moments of internal conflict. It's simple but it's powerful. We can handle those moments of internal conflict. It's simple but it's powerful. We can hold two true things at once. I can give you some examples from my own life. I'm a doctor who helps people manage their health every day. I know all about the importance of exercise, good nutrition, stress management, and I live with chronic pain that can sometimes make those very things challenging to do for myself. I teach my patients about work-life balance and sometimes I struggle to find that balance myself. Each of those true things exists simultaneously. One doesn't cancel the other out.

Lisa: 1:02

There's something intriguing about how our brains work. We're actually wired to categorize things. That helps us think quickly and make fast decisions. It's a survival mechanism that evolved over thousands of years. Early humans needed to make quick decisions friend or foe, safe or dangerous, edible or poisonous. Our ancestors, who could rapidly sort out their world into simple categories, were more likely to survive. That categorizing tendency served us really well then, but in our modern world, the same instinct can create unnecessary stress and conflict. Our brains still do want to sort everything into neat boxes. It's definitely much easier to do so. Good or bad, right or wrong, success or failure. It's like we're using ancient software, though, to run modern programs. It works, but not always.

Lisa: 1:56

When we encounter something that doesn't neatly fit into one category, which happens often in our complex modern lives, our brains can actually experience some discomfort. Scientists call this cognitive dissonance. It's that uncomfortable feeling when we hold two seemingly contradictory ideas at once. Our instinct is to resolve the discomfort by forcing one truth to win out over the other. But our brains are amazing. They can adapt. They can learn new patterns, even when we're older. When we practice holding two truths at once, we're actually creating new neural pathways. We're upgrading our brain's operating system to handle modern complexity.

Lisa: 2:39

Let me explain why this matters so much. Our brains always naturally want to categorize things. It's how we make sense of the world. Short, simple answers feel safe, but they leave us struggling with reality when we encounter information or experiences that don't fit our existing categories and we have that cognitive dissonance, our brains cause us to release stress hormones. Dissonance our brains cause us to release stress hormones. It's like an alert system saying "warning, this doesn't compute.

Lisa: 3:12

The stress response can lead us to either reject new information altogether or, more likely, oversimplify complex situations just to reduce our discomfort. Think about social media for a minute. When we see someone post a political opinion we disagree with, our brain immediately wants to categorize them as wrong or bad. But what if that same person is a caring neighbor who helped you when your child was sick? What if they're a colleague who does excellent work? Our ancient categorizing system struggles with this complexity. It's like trying to force a complex three-dimensional object into a flat two-dimensional box. When we do this with our experiences or our relationships, we lose depth, we lose nuance and possibility. We might even experience physical symptoms like tension, headaches or tight shoulders or a knot in our stomach because we're trying to force something to be simpler than it is. When we learn to hold more than one truth at once, when we learn to accept complexity, something shifts. Research shows people who can do this experience less stress, make better decisions and may have stronger relationships. It's like developing a new kind of emotional flexibility.

Lisa: 4:26

Let me give you some examples from different areas of my life, differing truths that I can hold at once. At work I can be ambitious and I can care about work-life balance. I can respect my boss and I can disagree with some of his decisions, and I can disagree with some of his decisions. I can be good at my job and I can still have some room to grow In relationships. I can love my partner deeply and I can also need space. I can be a supportive friend and I can set healthy boundaries. I can be close with my family and I can maintain my independence when I need to. With personal growth, I can be confident in my abilities and I can admit when I need help. I can be committed to self-improvement and, at the same time, I can accept myself as I am. I can learn from the past and I can't be defined by my past. Let me share three practical steps for developing this skill of holding more than one truth at once.

Lisa: 5:34

Step one: notice your either or thinking. Start paying attention to the moments when your mind tries to force a choice. Listen for absolutes thoughts that start with. I must be, I can't be they always. Those are your clues. Your mind is trying to simplify something that might be more complex. You might notice the pattern in different contexts, like at work. If I take time off, I'm not dedicated enough. If I ask for help, I don't really know what I'm doing. If I disagree with my team, I'm not a team player. Or in relationships, if I have to set boundaries, I'm not being loving. Or if I need time alone, I'm being selfish. Or if I don't always agree, I'm being difficult. Or on social media, if they believe that they must be wrong about everything, if they made that choice, they can't be smart. Or if they don't see things that way, we can't be friends.

Lisa: 6:33

Step two is to write down your two true things. This is where things get interesting, when you notice that black and white thinking. Try writing down both true things that could coexist. Watch what happens when you put them side by side. I need time to myself and I'm a caring parent. I'm dedicated to my career and I'm present for my family. I made a big mistake and I'm good at my job. I disagree with their choice and I can still respect them. I want to help my aging parents and I need to maintain my own health, or I accept someone that's different than I am and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes different than I am and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. Notice something powerful here, we're using "and instead of but that small change shifts everything. It creates space for both truths to breathe.

Lisa: 7:30

Step three is to expand your view. Once you've identified your two true things, get curious, really curious. What else might be true here, what other layers exist? This is where you might discover insights that surprise you. Let me share some examples from different perspectives that I've found as a doctor. I have extensive training and I don't have all the answers. I want to help everyone and I have limited time and energy as the parent of kids, and I have limited time and energy as the parent of kids. They push me away and they still need me. I want to protect them and I need to let them make mistakes. I get frustrated with them and I'm proud of who they're becoming. In a team situation, a project can be successful and have room for improvement. A colleague can be challenging to work with and be very valuable to the team. These aren't contradictions. They're the complex reality of being human. When we recognize this and accept it, our relationships begin to transform. Let's look at how this approach shapes our most challenging relationships, those situations where feelings are complex and there are no easy answers, like caring for aging parents, which a lot of us in midlife are doing.

Lisa: 8:47

You might find yourself thinking you have to choose between being a good daughter or son and setting boundaries, between respecting independence and ensuring their safety. But listen to these paired truths: I love my mom deeply and I sometimes feel overwhelmed by taking care of her. I want to honor my dad's independence and I'm concerned about his safety. I'm doing my best to help and I can't solve all their problems. I feel guilty about some decisions and I know I'm making thoughtful choices. I miss how things used to be and I'm adapting to our new reality. Each of these statements holds weight. Each deserves space.

Lisa: 9:34

This understanding changes how we communicate, too. Instead of saying to a friend, "I know it's hard to put your mom in assisted living, but it was the right choice, we can say something more like I hear how hard this decision was and I see how much thought you put into making the right choice. When we're talking with our own parents, it might sound like mom, I understand how much you want to stay in your own house and I hear your concerns about managing the stairs. Or, dad, I know you've always handled the finances and it also makes sense to have some extra help now. Something shifts when we validate both truths. People feel seen, really seen. They don't need to defend either part of their experience because we're acknowledging that both exist, both matter.

Lisa: 10:23

When you begin to integrate this into your life and really practice holding two or more true things at once, you're going to have some amazing results. Your self-talk is going to soften those things that you say to yourself. Instead of that harsh inner critic, you start acknowledging the whole picture. I really messed up this morning and I'm trying my best. Simple words profound shift. Your relationships grow stronger because you stop putting people in boxes that teenager who's driving you crazy. They can be both pushing boundaries and staying connected to you. Your partner who dropped the ball on an important task? They can be both imperfect and deeply committed to your family. Even decision-making becomes more clear when you're not forcing yourself to choose between two valid perspectives. You start seeing solutions that you might have missed before. This is really helpful with those complex decisions like caring for aging parents or balancing work and family. Here's something practical you can try. Each evening before you go to bed,

Lisa: 11:30

write down two true things about your day. They might seem to conflict, but remember, both can be real. Maybe you had a tough conversation with your teenager. Maybe there was even some crying or yelling and you made progress in understanding each other. Maybe you missed an important deadline at work and you also handled other important tasks really well. As you practice this, watch what unfolds. Notice how it feels to let both true things exist without trying to resolve them. Pay attention to how it changes your conversations when you can hold space for other people's complex truths too. Remember we're all walking around carrying multiple truths, whether we realize it or not. When we acknowledge that, we create space for real understanding of ourselves and others and that's where genuine connection begins. And it's never too late to work on genuine connection. Thanks for listening. Keep exploring those paired truths. They have so much to teach us.