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Calm and Clarity in Midlife
The middle of life is a busy and often stressful time. We are working, and often caring for both our children and our parents. It can get overwhelming. It's never too late, though, to learn new ways to manage our stress and take care of ourselves. Join me to learn how to stay calm and find clarity during the middle of our lives. As a doctor, a mom, and a person over in midlife herself - I've learned a lot I want to share with you.
Calm and Clarity in Midlife
Mind Over Matter: You Are Not Your Thoughts
Discover how to transform your relationship with your thoughts and cultivate mindfulness. We discuss why observing, labeling, and letting thoughts pass can lead to greater mental freedom.
• The concept of thought awareness and its relevance in midlife
• The practice of noticing thoughts without identifying with them
• Practical steps to apply thinking observation in daily life
If you’re able to leave a comment below, share something that you gained watching your thoughts rather than being caught up in them. What thought patterns did you notice?
Have you ever been lying awake at 3 am with thoughts racing through your mind? Did I say the wrong thing at that meeting? Am I saving enough for retirement? What if this health symptom is something serious? Or maybe you've even caught yourself thinking I should be further along by now. If these sound familiar, you're not alone. Our minds produce thousands of thoughts every day. Some are helpful, many are not. But here's something that completely changed everything for me the simple realization that you are not your thoughts.
Lisa:I'm Dr Lisa, and today I want to share a perspective that's really shifted how I relate to my own mind, both as a family physician and someone navigating midlife myself with all of its complexities. So we're going to get a little deep here. What if I told you that the constant stream of thoughts running through your head is really just background traffic, something you can observe, rather than something that defines you? This isn't just a nice idea. It's a skill, a practice, a way out of unnecessary suffering. It can really help you respond to life's challenges with more wisdom and ease. Let's talk about what's happening in your mind right now. As you're listening, your brain is probably producing all kinds of thoughts. Maybe you are fully focused. More likely you're also thinking about what you're going to make for dinner or remembering something that happened yesterday. That's completely normal.
Lisa:The human mind generates thousands and thousands of thoughts per day. According to research, probably a thought every few seconds. And here's what's remarkable. We often believe those thoughts represent all of our reality or define who we are. The ancient Buddhists had a term for this constant mental activity. They called it monkey mind, a restless mind. Picture a monkey swinging from branch to branch, never, still, always reaching for the next thing. That's your thinking mind, constantly moving from one thought to the next.
Lisa:Psychologists and philosophers have recognized this too. Psychologists and philosophers have recognized this too. The philosopher Descartes famously said I think, therefore I am. But modern traditions suggest a different perspective. More like I'm aware of my thinking, therefore, I am more than my thoughts. Think about it. If you can observe your thoughts, you must be something separate from them. You are the awareness in which the thoughts appear In the middle of our lives. Those thought patterns often take on some really particular themes.
Lisa:Let me share something that might sound familiar. You're looking in the mirror and notice new lines around your eyes and suddenly your mind says Wow, I'm getting old, my best years are behind me, or you hear about a friend that started a new career at 50, and your mind whispers to you "it's too late for you to make such a big change. Your adult child could make a decision that you wouldn't have made, and your brain insists. If you had been a better parent, this wouldn't be happening. You might experience a health symptom and your thoughts spiral into the worst case scenario. What if this is serious? What if I can't work anymore? What if I become a burden? Or perhaps one of the most common of all? Wow, I'm in the middle of my life. I should be further along by now.
Lisa:Sound familiar, the thoughts can feel so compelling. So true, but what if they're just thoughts, mental events passing through your awareness like clouds passing across the sky? Here's what struck me deeply when I first learned about this. When we identify with our thoughts, when we believe I am my thoughts, we suffer unnecessarily. We treat every thought as if it represents reality or it defines us. But when we recognize I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts, something shifts. We create space and a kind of freedom emerges. It's along the lines of instead of "I am getting old, my best years are behind me, instead, it's I'm having the thought that I am old and my best years are behind me. There's a difference there. This isn't about getting rid of thoughts, though, or having only positive ones. It's about changing our relationship with thinking itself. It's recognizing that thoughts come and go, while you, the awareness that notices the thoughts, remain. Let me share three practical steps to put this understanding into practice in your daily life.
Lisa:Step one notice thoughts as they arise. The first step is simply to notice when you're thinking. It sounds easy, but it's not. Most of us go through our days completely identified with our thoughts, never stepping back to notice. Oh, I'm having a thought right now. Try this for the next few minutes. Pause this and just notice when a thought arises. You don't need to change anything, just mentally note thinking. You might be surprised how quickly you forget and get absorbed in your thoughts again. That's normal Every time you notice that you're strengthening your awareness muscles. In his book the "Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle suggests asking yourself "can I observe my thoughts right now? That simple question can help you step into the role of being a witness rather than staying merged with every thought.
Lisa:Step two is to label your thoughts. You just want to gently label your thoughts. Don't think too much about it. When you notice yourself thinking, try to categorize the thought "Planning, worrying, remembering, judging, fantasizing. For example, when you think I should have accomplished more by now, you might label it "comparing or judging. When you worry about a health symptom, label it worry. When you replay a conversation from yesterday, label it remembering. This creates a bit more distance between you and the thought. The label is in between. Instead of being caught up in the content, you're kind of observing the kind of thinking that's happening. Dr Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry, calls this. Name it to tame it. When we label our emotional and mental experiences, we actually help regulate our nervous system.
Lisa:Three is to let thoughts pass without engaging. This is the most powerful step. Once you've noticed and labeled a thought intentionally, let it pass without engaging further. Don't argue with it, don't resist it, don't expand on it, don't try to push it away. Just let it be and let it pass.
Lisa:Imagine you're sitting on a busy road watching cars drive by. You wouldn't jump into every car that passes, would you? In the same way, you don't need to get into every thought that your mind produces. It's kind of like thoughts passing like clouds in the sky. You, the observer, are like the vast open sky. Thoughts are just clouds passing through, sometimes dark and stormy, sometimes light and fluffy, but always temporary and always changing. Now let's see how this might work in everyday life, especially with those challenging midlife thought patterns we discussed.
Lisa:Imagine you're at a social gathering with younger friends or colleagues and you have the thought "wow, I'm the oldest one here, I don't belong. In the past you might have believed this thought, felt uncomfortable and either tried to act younger than you are or withdrawn from the conversation. But with the new approach first, you notice you know I'm having a thought about not belonging because of my age. Second, you label it comparing, maybe, or judging. Third, you let it pass without engaging. There's that thought about age again, I don't need to believe it or act on it. Then you can remain present. You can bring your unique perspective and experience to the conversation. Or consider a health worry. You notice a new pain and you immediately think this could be something really serious. What if it gets worse? Using our practice, first, you notice I'm having worried thoughts about my health. Second, you label it Worry. Third, you let it pass. I can let this thought go. I can still take appropriate action without getting caught in a worry spiral. You can still make the doctor's appointment, but you don't spend the intervening days in mental anguish.
Lisa:This approach is not about ignoring valid concerns or avoiding the necessary action. It's about distinguishing between helpful thinking that guides wise action and unhelpful thinking and rumination that creates suffering. It's really neat how this ancient wisdom is now supported by modern neuroscience. When we're practicing observing our thoughts rather than identifying with them, we're engaging in a core aspect of mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness meditation involves purposely paying attention to just the present moment, without any judgment. It teaches us to become observers of our mental activity rather than being swept away by it. Regularly sitting in quiet awareness, watching the thoughts arise and pass without clinging them, we gradually strengthen that observer self, that part of us that can notice thinking happening. Studies on mindfulness show that people who practice that regularly actually change their brain structure and function. Researchers have found increased strength in regions associated with attention and processing of the senses and decreased activity in the brain regions that are active during daydreaming and thinking just about the self.
Lisa:The philosopher Michael Singer, in one of my favorite books, The Untethered Soul, uses a really powerful metaphor. He suggests that getting caught up in our thoughts is like sitting in a movie theater, completely believing that everything happening on the screen is real and happening to you. When you remember that you're just watching a movie, you can enjoy the show without getting too caught up in it or traumatized by it. This practice of mindfulness or noticing our thoughts but not getting sucked up into them has many traditions. In Buddhism, it's the foundation of mindfulness meditation, where people develop bare attention, the ability to absorb an experience without commentary. In Stoic philosophy it's related to the practice of distinguishing between what we can and cannot control, and in cognitive behavioral therapy, control. And in cognitive behavioral therapy, in present-day psychology it's similar to what we call cognitive diffusion, that's, the practice of separating yourself from your thoughts exactly what we're doing. So here's my invitation to you: For the next week try this three-step practice at least once a day.
Lisa:Notice your thoughts, label them, let them pass. You might find it helpful to set a reminder on your phone or to choose a specific trigger. Perhaps every time you wash your hands or stop at a red light, start for just a few moments. Notice what happens when you create that small space between you and your thoughts. Many people report feeling a sudden sense of spaciousness, calm and greater choice in how they respond to life. I'd love to hear how the practice goes for you. If you're able to leave a comment below, share something that you gained watching your thoughts rather than being caught up in them. What thought patterns did you notice? What happened when you created some distance from them? Remember, you are not your thoughts. You are the awareness in which your thoughts arise and pass away. That awareness is always present, always peaceful and always available to you. Thanks for listening. Until next time, may you find some peace behind the mind chatter.
