Episode 2 - Happy Anniversary!!

Day of Events chronicled: January 31 - February12, 2024

Anniversary of the day I told my husband of almost two decades that I wanted to be family, just not married to him anymore...

I couldn't stand the thought of going into a lovers' holiday pretending to be IN love anymore and didn't want to set that example of falseness for my children or show them that the way I was being treated was acceptable.

This begins the journal entries I made on these days about how things went down and what happened and my commentary on all of it.

Scarlett Davis

Facebook: Future Single Lady

email: FutureSingleLady@gmail.com

Transcript

0:05

When life is too real to be on TV, come to me, I'm Scarlett Davis, and I'm the Future Single Lady. This is me telling my story from declaring my independence, telling my husband of almost 20 years that I didn't want to be married anymore, and the journey that it took from declaring that to getting that, and then some. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a counselor. Any advice that's given is just one woman talking to another person. I'm a woman and I'm a hairstylist, so I tend to do that. I bear no responsibility or legal liability for you or anyone else following any advice or doing anything I say or copying anything that I do. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only, and I really hope that you are entertained. And if it helps you in some way, whether it is dealing with your own crap or understanding someone else as they go through their crap, great. That's my goal. I hope you have a great day and that you enjoy this. It's late in the day, in the evening, almost, midnight February the 12th, 2025. So this is the one year anniversary of the day that I declared my desire for freedom from my marriage. I launched my podcast today and in doing the editing and stuff for it, Well, one, I didn't realize until a few days ago that I didn't start recording one year ago today, at least not for the podcast. I, I journaled things, but there was about six weeks worth of activity that wasn't journaled like this, or it was only in writing. And you started off hearing me at a really low place in my life. When I was really scared to death about what was going to happen the very next day where I was going to be judged by a stranger, literally judged because that stranger was a judge and that person had the power to, to determine a major life path direction for me. And I felt powerless. And you heard that. I thought it pertinent to give you a little bit of backstory. So the journals, the, it's funny, I was looking for these journals a couple of days ago because I wanted to start journaling again. You'll hear in this story the line, should you choose to keep participating. Going along with the journey, why I stopped journaling for a period, but I started again and I couldn't find my journals when I was ready. Even though I had just seen a minute funny how that happens everything Everything in exactly the right time. So I went to February 12th 2024 one year ago today and I wound up finding myself. I was drawn to several things before then and so I Feel like it's appropriate for you to have a little bit of backstory. These are some of the things I'm not gonna Read my entire journal to you, but there are definitely some highlights that I would like to point out and So on january 31st I had journaled some things and then I said that This was on an unrelated An unrelated note that it was a dream that I had had the night before and in short In this dream the man I was married to You At the time that he was driving, we pulled up to my hometown, 500 miles away from, from where we live. And it turns out that where he pulled up to was my ex boyfriend's house. And there were just, uh, some things in here, but the, some of the notes that I have were that my kids were there and there was something about moving on. And my kids were listening and, and my husband was listening. And. My kids understood that I had been a highly sought after woman. I always believed myself to be incredibly average. I knew that I had big knockers and childbearing hips. Let me tell you, being told, especially from a young age, that you have childbearing hips is not exactly, it doesn't feel like a compliment. And okay, so somebody likes your boobs. That's just one part of your body that doesn't have anything to do with who you are. Right. So somebody being sexually attracted to me, okay, that's nice. But you know, whatever. And in truth, in high school, I was, I was Sir Mix-A-Lot's to dream where he says 36, 24, 36, only if she's five, three, well, honey, I went past that. I think I was like 37, 25, 38, something like that. And I was only five foot and a half and a half inch. So, um, anyway, I was physically sought after and I've always been very vivacious and audacious. And that appeals to a lot of people. But my kids only know me as their mother. They've only seen me as their mother. And of course, me being, well, thinking that I was being respectful to my husband, I wasn't going to be. So audacious and just out there like I was before because that would seem, I don't know, I was, I had beliefs that I don't necessarily believe now, but I acted on those beliefs out of what I thought was respect for, not just for my husband, but for myself as a decent wife, a good wife and a good mother and all of these limiting beliefs. But in this dream, My kids are seeing me as someone who is sought after and desirable and they're seeing me through a different lens and, I'm looking at something that I have written here, but my kids, uh, I, or there's somewhere in there that I, where I say, see, I've moved on and my kids are asking me questions about my past relationship and my husband is listening to, and, and my attitude is, yes, I was sought after and. You've trashed me. I'm thinking this to my husband. There's something I don't even I don't understand my own writing here But my kids were seeing me even cooler than they did before I kicked myself for not taking care of I'm making a note in here about uh, and so in the dream i'm wearing a spaghetti strap sundress that ties at the top And, uh, I was kicking myself for not, um, Tweezing my underarms because they were lasered. So, it's funny how even in my, in my dreams, I'm berating myself for physical appearances. Good grief. The next day, February the 1st, I make the comment that my husband came home last night and it was not fun. Um. Even though he did bring dessert home, which was from a very nice restaurant. He liked to brag about those kinds of things, the stuff that he did for work. Um, there was this whole situation where my son had come home from work. He was working at a chain restaurant and our kids were made to save money for their cars so that they would, they would value their car and they would. They would know what it was like to work for something and how hard it is to earn a dollar often times. Anyway, For whatever reason my husband knew that our daughter was asleep and our son had just gotten home So he calls our son to order him outside To bring in some things That my husband wanted my son to bring in for him. So my son, because he was in the middle of telling me some stuff that was happening at his work, we were having a nice conversation, my son politely tells his father that yes, he will come out, but it will be a few minutes. My son finishes what he was doing, and he and I both get up to go help. At that time, that's when My husband was coming through the door and he was not happy. He ordered my son to go out and get his stuff. I asked if there was enough stuff that two people were needed. And he said, I called him and asked for his help. Our daughter was sleeping, so I called our son. He used his names there, but I'm trying to keep everybody's names out of it. I said, I know, but I'm here to help if it's needed and that's why I'm asking. I called him and just him. Okay, literally this is what I said. Uh, in my, in my journal. LOL. Okay, booty hole. Biggest, biggest fit he threw about, was about the way that the baking dishes were put up. Somehow a door was coming open, and it hadn't been like that before. And I'm not sure if he started acting different because I said I put them that way. Or not. I gave up and came into the bedroom and heard him a few minutes later talk about taking drugs So he can sleep as he headed to the spare room. I also knew he had dinner plans the next night So I was hoping that that would be taken that that would take care of itself So that was 11 days before declared my freedom. Here I was, you know working on myself trying to reprogram Myself and my attitude and the way I look at things and I have lots of notes about that I also am acknowledging in here that I, I admitted in a group, there was an online group. Um, oh yeah, so here it is. But I, I admitted to the face group that I want a divorce and have been not acting in faith about it. Um, that I want a mutually beneficial, permanent separation and all for the greatest good. I go on to say, well, I'm just trying to rewrite my attitude about things. And. I do things to try to call forth a peaceful resolution and try to take control of my life. And so this one statement that, that I make, now everything is peaceful for all eternity and I am pleased. Okay, you might want to write this one down or hit record or something. I don't know if you know who Pollyanna is. I don't, um, I have this thing where I like to make up names for people. So, um, we've all heard of a Negative Nelly or Negative Nancy or, uh, Nosy Rosie, that sort of thing. Well, when my kids were growing up, I made up Cranky Frankie. Somebody, somebody else shared one with me that was Attitudey Judy. Well, I came up with another one. I said, so this was my statement. And this is so me. I'm a positive Pollyanna. I fart rainbows and spit sunshine. I have always been the person to try to find the best in every situation and the silver lining in every cloud and I have said for a long time, I mine that shit. I'm like a miner who goes into the, instead of a cave, it's going into the dark cloud and I mine the silver lining. I'd like to write Children's book about it So that's me. That's who I am. And so dealing with this negativity is as I'm noting here before I even Ask for or declare or insist upon or whatever term we want to use My freedom from from a depressive and oppressive marriage. This is giving some examples of it February 2nd, I say that my husband came home and the day before and it turned out that he did not have dinner plans after all. And, so my son and I got the pleasure, this is sarcasm here, we got the pleasure of dealing with him. Especially when he went off about our daughter's competition issues. There was an issue at a competition that she was in and it was almost like the thing was rigged and I even went on to report it to the news. Um, But, so, my husband was going off about our daughter's competition, and how she was pissing him off. But the fact is, he was wrong in what he was saying, and how he was saying it. My son and I stood up for her because my husband was wrong. We tried to keep it nice, and I watched my show with him and but he seemed interested in watching TV in the living room And so I with relief went to to watch something in the bedroom and he wound up sleeping in the spare room Where I was so very pleased that he was but here's one of the the reasons that I know That he was out drinking Which he often did for work or with his work friends and I will just say that I have since, well, we're just going to leave it at that, that he was out with quote work. He was in the spare room. I was often glad whenever he slept in the spare room because I didn't have to deal with him, him and the TV. And he, how he insisted on the fan and his constant snoring that I'm quite certain has caused a degree of, of hearing loss. Well at that point that night Well as often happens whenever he drinks a lot He snores really loud, and I mean bad he snored So loud that night. This was a four bedroom house Everyone in the house all in different bedrooms heard him and he has never cared He feels entitled, but if I snore oh dear God Well, you can ask, you can ask, you can ask my gentleman friend, you can ask several of my good friends, and they will tell you that I have been traumatized about my snoring because of how he would treat me. But I had notes on here that everyone heard his snoring in other rooms. I'm glad they heard it in the hallway, the bathroom, my room. both of their rooms, not to make fun of him, but for them to see here and understand what I've been talking about for years. Let me see. There were, I made a note in here that whenever he came home and he came into the bedroom, the master where I was hanging out, he started adjusting fans and everything like that. And my thought was, Oh crap, he's sleeping in here tonight. And. This is almost psychotic. Um, he adjusted the fan. He wasn't in the, in the room. I was in the room watching TV. He came in the room, adjusted the fan, left it on, and left the room. And I, and here's what I say, I left it even though I didn't want it blowing on me. Look at me, sacrificing myself because someone said so. As in, like, he said so. So it had to be. And I told myself, stop. And This is where it gets really crazy. I said if he's not sleeping in here tonight, I'll change it back I think but that's not actually what I said said if he's not sleeping in here tonight I'm changing it back and I think I'll address a permanent change in sleeping practices slash locations with him So even on February 1st or 2nd, whatever that day was I was thinking about Getting him to just sleep in a different place either he does or I do because it's ridiculous I Was being forced to deal with whatever he wanted when and how he wanted it even though sometimes he was just a straight up asshole and And Would go off about things and make demands on The children especially I could stand up for myself, even though I still felt very repressed At that point I wanted a divorce I just thought it would be a long ways away that before I would ask for it February 3rd, this is nine days before I asked for a divorce And my son and I had gone out to dinner And whenever I got home, my husband was in bed in the spare room with the door closed. And, he, there was this whole thing about food and eating practices and I felt like it was very unhealthy. So, my husband was personally disgusted with how little he could eat because he was on these shots. He was, it was like black market ozempic or something. And my son was starving himself, trying to just eat two meals a week. He was, he was calling it extreme, he was calling it fasting. My doctor had advised intermittent fasting for me. And I had stopped, stopped doing it. Or, you know, my, my stuff was 18 hours. There were only six hours in the day when, when I could eat. They took it to the extremes. I was not happy about this. I didn't think it was was healthy, but Um These are just some of the things that I was dealing with before I even asked for the divorce february 5th Oh Yeah, talk about a self improvement program. I was bold And I stepped out I stepped out in faith and I'm just gonna go ahead and say Cathy Heller has been a big inspiration for me. And she's the one who encouraged me to do a podcast. I did her program boldly abundant and she had this, this lady, her last name was Skelly. And the first name starts with an S, Stephanie or Sue or something. I can't remember, but we did this whole breathing thing and it was the, this breathing was designed to stimulate some things, to bring up some stuff so you can, you know, get it out. And I have my notes on here, and I remember this, I bawled my eyes out as I released and released and remembered and released and remembered, released. Laughed my ass off, and this breathing that we were doing, holy cow, I had been taught not to be weak, to suck it up, stuff it down, and don't cry. I released all of it. I gave myself permission to cry. I gave myself permission for a lot of things. I remembered that I am, that I am the light, I am safe, I am cared for, I'm provided for, I'm still conquering the fear, trying to kick its ass, kick fear's ass, and be the powerful, woman that I am to break open the cysts that have been stuffed down inside of me and glossed over to let the yucky stuff out to be okay with myself. Um, my body reflexively tried to close off the hurt, but I forced myself to keep my body open so things could flow out. So here I am, I'm working on my self improvement, trying to be a better version of myself and not carry around all of this. emotional baggage and everything and, um, set not good examples for my children. And I'm dealing with these things. I'm being relieved when the man I have vowed to spend the rest of my life is with is sleeping in the spare room because he's a booty hole. I, at this time, I'm also doing, um, Dr. Heather Stone, an amazing woman who has had a lot of experience dealing with thyroid and has had to personally figure out how to really address thyroid issues and she focuses on women because I apologize if I get this number wrong but billions of dollars are spent on creating medicines and studying erectile dysfunction when that has no inherent health risk. Meanwhile, Thyroid dysfunction which often masks that The person who is experiencing it actually has an autoimmune disease The treatment for that has remained the same for both of those the autoimmune as well as the thyroid dysfunction The treatment for that has gone unchanged for 80 years the better part of a century And Dr. Heather Stone assures us that if you have an autoimmune disease and it goes untreated, you will get another autoimmune disease. Autoimmune means that the body is literally attacking itself. This is something that, that I, that is something in my life. It runs in my family. So my grandfather had it. My aunt has it. I have it. Likelihood is high that my children will have it as well. So, I'm doing these free webinars and I'm learning about how to handle this situation, what to do, learning, learning, learning. Right? Just so you know, I get, later get, um, ostracized and, um, all manner of ill speak towards me. for listening. Because I was always in my room, always on a zoom call or a webinar For trying to improve myself and trying to learn so that my children can also have a healthier life, too. Yep. Mm hmm Okay February 7th, this is This is a big one here. I'm talking about how I feel not rested not happy and Trying to And finally say screw it instead of trying to put things in a positive way I say okay I feel sad and sad and depressed Because I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my marriage that was supposed to be happily ever after this morning he came in while I was While I was right here told me that he was working late and he had seen me in the morning and left This was my marriage him sleeping in another room some of the times still enforcing his will on me in In the master bedroom. My marriage is over. And I'm sad because it's over. Because it was, you know, I had always said that I was Cinderella, and he was my Prince Charming. So I spent a lot of time being very sad because it was very evident that my marriage was over. It's just, talking about going through the motions. Whew. So continuing on all this stuff as we're ramping up to the big day, um, This is just days away and every day there's uh, there's something in here February the 8th turns out that he was mad at me because um Well, he came home. It was late at night. He comes into the bedroom. He's all excited He wants to tell me about something with work, but I was on a call. I was on a webinar with Dr. Stone Learning about my thyroid and how to fix it. And I couldn't, we were literally in some of the vital elements of the um, of the webinar and I could not give him the attention. And I couldn't pause it because it was live. So whenever it was over then, you know, I went to go see him and be like, Okay, what was, what was up? What's going on? And, oh, he was in the bathroom then. And let me tell you, whenever he was in the bathroom, it was for a long time. So, I go to the living room and my daughter and I sit on the couch and we, we wait and then finally he comes in there and he mouths off about me not being on a call and there's some back and forth about this and then he, he still never tells me what it is that he was excited over. He just stomps off towards the bedroom and, and mouthing off about just excuses. That was always his, his favorite thing, excuses, excuses. He said that about everything. God, it sounded so much like him just then too. Excuses, excuses, blah, blah, blah. And so I told him, I said, so you're mad because I was just on a call with a doctor about fixing my thyroid? And he wouldn't answer. Which, of course, that was typical. To mouth off. Um under muttering something under his breath, which to me is very cowardly if you have something to say Then say it to me say it just straight up say it don't turn around Walk off and start muttering. That's a coward right there And I told him so on several occasions The next night was date night because we did have a scheduled date night And I told him about how, um, I was going to have a meeting with, with the doctor and I needed him present for the meeting and so that he could understand and hear these, these things and understand what was going on. But at the same time, we often did things separately. So basically what I was saying without saying it was, you know, we already have separate lives, so it's okay if you're not there. He did go off on, on some other stuff. Turns out that he had, he was angry about how the spare room was. Now, mind you, the spare room had been decorated the way I wanted it. And it was supposed to be a refuge for me because often I would have to get up and leave in the middle of the night. Cause I couldn't fucking sleep because he was snoring so fucking loud. Um, other things also happened in there too. So whether I was doing a webinar because I was trying to be nice and not use our bedroom for my office is basically what it was. So the spare room was also supposed to kind of sort of be my office. And I went to a pretty decent amount of expense trying to set things up in there the way I needed them to be so that it was fully functioning in the way that I needed it, um, but that it would still be a spare room. Well, there was a practice that occurred in our house. Uh, he always wanted our house to look like it was, this is my phrasing, like, like it was magazine ready. There was not allowed to be any clutter anywhere, any papers. I live in my house. My house is a home. It's not the set of a Better Homes and Gardens shoot. Martha Stewart does not live in my house. My house is lived in. I do not have a maid, and I cannot do everything. And also when I'm constantly interrupted to go do something to help someone else, and I'm not able to finish my stuff, then yes, there's going to be stuff left out. So A common practice was his way of cleaning was kids pile your mother's shit up and go put it on the bed in the spare room Yeah So and then stuff would get piled on top. Okay, it was just we will just say that that was a downward spiral situation So there was stuff on the bed in the spare room mind you this is a king size bed and half of the bed Um, basically half of the bed was covered, which meant that half of the bed was uncovered. So there was room for one person to sleep, comfortably. He was pissed because he couldn't stretch his legs out over the whole bed. Um, motherfucker, you don't stretch your legs out, or you shouldn't be stretching your legs out over the whole bed in the master bedroom either, because I am in that bed. And he was, we constantly argued about him sticking his feet where my feet were because he wanted the cool space. Motherfucker, so do I, goddammit! This is the kind of stupid shit that we dealt with. But he was mad because he couldn't stretch out over the whole bed. Fuck you. So we're getting closer and closer to D Day. In fact, we're one day away. Um, or is it two days away? Yeah, close enough. Anyway, on February the 11th, 2024, I am spending a lot of my time trying to make the spare room better so that my husband is happier. And because I'm, I'm the one who has the most power to control that situation and create the most happiness. For the whole family, so I was trying to get it done. It was the fair and right thing to do, I felt. So, I have notes in here that, well, I was glad I literally said didn't have any issues with my husband, thankfully. I was hitting a wall and trying to do what I had planned to do, because I had set intentions for what I'd like to accomplish that day, and I just couldn't. I felt sad, depressed, like crying, and I wondered, was it the meditation music that I was listening to that was trying to drown out the sound of all the loud stuff in the living room that my husband was doing? It had never affected me like that before, but I don't know, it's worth considering. And I literally say, I know I'm mourning the loss of my marriage before it's, before it's defined, defined as a loss, but loss is lost, period. So I knew I was sad. I knew that the time was coming. I, I had been been feeling the pressure and the nudges from what I feel is divinity. Encouraging my guides, My angels, whatever, telling me to do this, do this, do this, and but I wanted the timing to be right, because we were supposed to have people over on Saturday, and we were supposed to have people over for the Super Bowl, and La la la, but I could not bear the thought of going into Valentine's Day. Oh, dear God. I had been thankful that any time my husband was home, uh, that that also seemed to coincide with my period. Like, legitimately, I wasn't faking it. I was just very, very thankful for it. Um, I made a note on here that my daughter had, that she'd made a tres leches cake instead of the butterscotch cookies, and maybe I should make them the next day to help soften the blow. And I was asking God to please go before me and clear the path. I accept that this is my growth thing, and I'm praying for the courage, the right words, the right words. And that they be received well. Here's my goal, my current thoughts. Butterscotch cookies in him. Give him valentines early, which was, and I forgot about this, a hundred dollars towards the tickets that we discussed. It was a Styx and Foreigner concert and those tickets were 224 each, I think. I don't know. Maybe it was total. Anyway, I said that I could, I could definitely swing a hundred, um, when we had discussed it. And he was talking about what he could come up with. Then I would ask him after showing him that I was committed to being partners. I mean, hey, if I'm willing to put 100 towards concert tickets that are still months away, then that's showing some commitment, right? That was the idea. And then asking him after I've shown commitment to be partners, if he thinks he's still in love with me. Basically, I go through all of this hoping for, basically, us to wind up still partners, just happily divorced, still being a good team, a family unit for our children, working together for the greater good, but acknowledging that we are happier apart, because we certainly weren't happy together. I even make note in here that I do not want my ego involved. And trying to be fair about things. So that was setting my intention. And one of the things that I was doing, was also my husband would come into a room and there were just, I would feel a cortisol dump. I would feel it in my kidneys. Sometimes my back would even hurt. And I could tell by my children's expressions that they felt this way too, oftentimes. So I had developed this practice for myself that it happened one day whenever I was locked in a truck with him for a 400 mile trip and he's going off about something and he just has a very abrasive way of saying things and addressing things, a very strong opinion. And as far as he's concerned, his opinion is the only one that matters, which you know, most of us feel that way also, but some of us actually have space for other people's opinions too. Well, one of the things that I would notice is that whenever he would get built up like this, that I would have a physical reaction. I would feel the cortisol dump in my body. And just to give you a little of a little insight here, I am curvy because I have been estrogen dominant my entire life. It means I have big boobs, I have wide hips, I went through puberty early. Well, guess, and, uh, for a long time I received hormone treatments because I had almost no testosterone in my body and that's when I learned how important testosterone is, even to a woman's body. Well, here's the thing. Testosterone, When the stress hormone cortisol is present, gets broken down into, guess what? Estrogen. Yeah, just think about that and process that for a minute. Does that not give you some insight into why I have been estrogen dominant my entire life? I am very susceptible to to stress, or what my doctor called high perceived stress. It doesn't matter if you call it stress or not. The fact is how it affects me. And I was constantly my entire life in stress mode. And the man I was married to caused a lot of stress. So, so much that one day as I'm locked in a vehicle as he's flying down the road about 85 miles an hour because Well, whatever I Began this practice My work as a therapist of massage Says my training says Energy has to go out the way it came in So when I'm working on someone instead of just trying to smash an area and make it submit to my will I Will have better Better success if I encourage Basically the the wound whether it's energetic or physical to undo itself. So this idea of sending the energy back out the way it came in was very mind blowing or to me and whenever I would feel this cortisol dump in my kidneys and my lower back I had this epiphany that, you know what, I can reject it. Just because somebody is dumping all over me doesn't mean I have to take it. I mean, if I was, if I was sitting here in my chair and somebody just started pissing all over me, do you think I would just sit here and take it? No. So, duh. Fight back. Somebody's energetically dumping on me? Okay, shields up. Like, do something about this. And so I just, I began this practice of, and it's crazy. I've been away from him long enough at this point that I forgot I had done this. And this was at this time had been a multiple times a day. Like this was almost a constant practice. If I was around him that I would have to mentally reject the energy that was causing me stress. Um, Trying to trace it. So where, when it hit, when it, when the stress hit my adrenals, which controls the cortisol, then I would have to try to force it back. Unactivate the adrenals, un dump the cortisol. Not the easiest to explain, let alone do, but anyway, I came up with this, this phrase, this prayer, this saying, whatever you want to call it, Things are easier when they rhyme and I like to rhyme turns out. I'm really good at it so I my deal came out to Send this energy back from whence it came and take away its power to lame Let the sender be aware of how it had the power to impair Allow love and kindness kindness to take its place and greatly elevate the whole human race I came up with that one as I was writing this journal, and I'm actually really proud of that one. Um, I like it because it's about taking something not so good, and not only neutralizing it, but making it into something that is good. To turning it into a prayer, into a blessing. Something that is the greater good for all. Cause that's how I work. That's how I like to operate. Sadly, that prayer was almost on a continuous loop. Okay, so it's D Day! 2 1 2 2 0 2 4 And, you know what, I'm just going to go ahead and read the entire journal entry because it's really shockingly short. It says, I love math, numbers, and patterns. I pray this one be a blessing on my plan. Everything in me says yes to do it. I continue to ask for God's help. Last night before sleep, I asked for help and I also said the intention that my best future self have a protected meld with me that she is available to me for her, for her to take over my actions and my words and to help me get from here to her in the future It would be hindsight for her, and hindsight is 20 20, right? She knows what steps to take to best get from here to there, so may God bless and protect. And I did my little happy face and my my heart sunshine emoji sort of looking thing. Oh, it's gosh. It's it's crazy. I'm feeling heartburn right now. So at this point I had been waking up every day and setting the intention of What feature of my best future self do I want to embody today? And I would wait for a response from my creator. Sometimes it would be healthy or persistent or faithfulness, just any number of things. And so that would be a trait that I would focus on as much of the day as I could. So it was, Oh no, that was the day after the Superbowl and I'm shocked that I really thought that That I had journaled everything in there. I can tell you that I remember that there were things like that. The time on the clock was 6 16 when I started this process and it was something like 8 38 when I went to my room. Um, we can go through the whole divorce process, the way things went down. In a bit, but Right now I just this is two weeks of outlining What was leading up to I mean there was a lot more than this, but every day in my journals i'm Talking about how there was something well, there was once that I was like, oh everything's went fine with him oh, you know shocker and thankful for that because That shouldn't be something that is so rare. Should it? I don't think so. That's not how I want to live my life. And that's one of many reasons why I made the decision that I did. And I did it really because of my children. I had kept holding out hope that, that I could hold out until my children graduated. This was months before my son was about to graduate high school. And then my daughter would be entering her senior year, but I just couldn't do it anymore. And the big thing that made me decide was whenever I realized that I was setting the example for my children of what they should be putting, be putting up with. Being called a fucking cunt, nope, nope, not even remotely within the realm of acceptability. I don't. care, especially whenever the person uses that word because it's like twisting a needle under the skin because they know it pisses you off. This is a man who, as far as I know, has called every single woman in his life a fucking cunt. His mother, his sister, his older daughter, his first ex wife, his best friend's wife, any female he's worked with, And I know if I wasn't before, I'm definitely on that list now. And he was also known to say about his mother, his sister, his first ex wife, his oldest daughter, and probably me too, even though I'm in a really different category now. He was known to say quite often, my life will be so much better when that fucking bitch dies. This is the man I was married to. I made children with this man. He wasn't like that. Well, he didn't show that part of himself to me for a really long time. And when he did at first, whenever it was just about his ex wife, okay. And I'll tell you one of the things that I realize now is that I always took his word for it. Whatever he said, why he wouldn't tell me any, any lies because, you know, I flatter myself to believe that. That I, I'm a good lie detector. I can, I can see through somebody's bullshit, right? Um, in hindsight, 20 years later, it occurs to me that perhaps one of the reasons that his parents still acted so nicely and accepting to his ex wife, maybe, maybe. Either she wasn't as bad as he said or he was worse than he led on led me to believe Because it occurred to me that He didn't ever necessarily paint himself as an angel, but he didn't say anything about how he was a misbehaving husband I just assumed that I mean there were some things that were kind of inferred Because of course he painted himself as the victim, but you know, you know You At the same time saying, saying, oh, I'm not perfect, but you know, this and that. I can't help but wonder if, if I were to sit down and have a conversation with his ex wife and compare notes, just how different the stories would be. Now, I'm not saying that I would trust her and that would probably make it not even worth taking the time to do it, but I'm sure it would be a very interesting conversation. Okay, continuing on. So I was reading the day after, so February 13th, and there is a lot in here. Turns out I did write these things down, so I did remember it. It just wasn't that night. So I got up first thing in the morning saying, wow, I did it. I asked for what, for what I wanted, which was a peaceful parting of ways. And all was calm that my husband promised that things would get ugly and I rejected that. Um, I told him that you find what you're looking for and I look for a peaceful, mutually, mutually beneficial parting of ways. He wanted me out of the house. See, this was February, uh, we're halfway through February at this point and he wants me out of the house in six weeks by the end of March. I told him that I reject that too and he, uh, Thinks I don't have any claim to the house, let alone to its current value. he's wrong. He went through and, um, he trashed our picture. So our picture that had it was us in the middle and then all our families around it. He went through and literally trashed it. He he had to get a ladder sometime in the middle of the night. to get up on this ladder and pick this, this picture off the wall and throw it in the trash. Our son, by the way, was very upset by this whenever he found out that that had been the case. And I was, I was calm and peaceful. And I said, I expected it. And he said, what you did. And cause my son had some choice words to say about how, um, how he felt about that. But I told him, I said, I expected it. You did. I said, yeah. I said, uh, whenever, um, he and his first wife. We're getting a divorce. He loved telling the story about how he took off his wedding ring and he flushed it down the toilet and it took two flushes for it to go down the toilet. But that's what he did to her that he basically held up his hand, took off his fingers. He was like, you want to know what I think? That's what I think about you. That's what I think about our marriage. And he flushed it. And I said, so, so I was expecting, I said, not that, but definitely something. And I said, that's, that's who he is, son. That's, that's how he operates. That's And my son had a few other things to say about his father and he was right in the vein of his emotions Which is makes it that much more ironic that he's behaving the way he is now, but I have faith So he thought that I didn't have any right to the house Um, also one of the things that he had done was one of the debit cards that he had I think it was the one tied to the food account presumably he had shredded that up Had cut it up and left it by the Keurig. Um, basically and my note here was god bless him I really didn't think he'd be this hurt and he could only be this hurt if he actually cared and He did say that there had been some small glimmer of hope and acted as if I had the power to reconcile but I didn't see any possible way that we could so Again, put a pin in this and we will address that whenever we talk about how our The conversation went when I asked for the divorce because the glimmer of hope You're gonna love why he thought there was a glimmer of hope. I prayed for the whole family for everything to be calm and peaceful for everybody and For this to not have any negative impact on our son's celebrations graduation. I I prayed to angels I prayed to gods I Yeah, very interesting thing though is that night I dreamed for the first time in a long time and I felt like I was receiving downloads and Just my dreams I saw an aurora there were just so so much things going on I did write things down in here. It was It was 616 whenever I started the conversation. It was 838 when I got into my chair after everything had been said and done. And, angel number meanings. You'll find that this is a recurring theme that, that I go back to. And basically it's messages that angels put in numbers for you. So if you see the same number all the time, I mean, this is even, this topic is even showing up in Hallmark movies. I'm just saying it's out there and you can Google it. So here's what 616 comes out to. It says it's time to bring balance into your life. This can mean working to create a safe and welcoming home space, readdressing your work life balance, and making time to nurture relationships, consider personal development, and practice gratitude and positivity. Okay! 838. It says believe in yourself and work toward your goals. You're on the right path. If you think positively and treat others with kindness, I didn't, uh, Additionally, a reminder to use your material success as a means to give back and make a positive impact on the world. Oh yeah! I've been blessed with a vision and I know that that's, that that's part of my job, what I'm here to do. Thank you. I receive all of that. I receive all of that. I receive, I receive, I receive. Whew. What else does it say? Um. I asked God to go before me and clear the path. I asked for my children to be protected from all harm. I asked for this to be, um, a peaceful parting of ways as we continue as a family unit. And I thought it was funny that he insisted on finding a new hairstylist and, uh, okay. I mean, I'm not going to jack up somebody's haircut on purpose, even if, even if it is somebody I'm divorcing because, uh, My name is walking around on that head of hair. But okay, he was setting his boundaries. I respect that. That's fine. He seemed pissed off that he had to go find a new hairstylist. And then I'm just going to go ahead and spoiler alert this one for you. Um, he went to my old employer. Well, she wasn't really my, my employer, but I contracted a space in her shop that I helped her open. Yeah. And then when my daughter decided that she needed a massage, she followed his rule one, she went to get her haircut by that same person too. And of course that, that hairstylist is known for being the biggest gossip in town. Um, and when it came time for a massage, they went to the place I used to work with the person who I didn't work for or with anymore. The, the therapist was not a coworker. She and I had worked together on some projects, but she and I never worked in the same space together on a regular basis. But she rented a space from a person who I had bad experience with. Okay. You know what? I say, for my daughter getting a massage, Sweetheart if you need a massage, I'm glad that not only did you have the funds to take care of it But that you went to a person who is good. That's a person who I get massages from so great I'm glad that you took care of yourself and that you had the means with which to do it So that just gives you a little foreshadowing into some things that are coming up This is my outlook and how I I look at life. Um, oh One of the things that he said let me see Find the right place to start reading here, so while I'm praying for us to continue on as a peaceful family unit And he is insisting on finding a new hairstylist. Okay, fine if that makes you feel better for great and then I Write in here that I'm just happy. I'm just happy that I as he said Finally grew a pair lol Also, I'll have to tell you about him giving me my Valentine's gift too, and how it was extremely appropriate. It was, we'll just say that it was something that made us laugh, and I even write here, that may we always be able to share and laugh, laugh it out. That was what I wanted. Um, you're gonna hear later on how things actually went. I will say this There was sometimes some things that got really ugly Some things where I was abused in ways That I shouldn't have been Where things well, nobody should be abused ever But in the end It was good. One of my continuing prayers is not only God go before me and clear the path But also, and I had forgotten to include myself in this prayer. I had just said it about my loved ones, specifically about my children. But the modified version of the continuing prayer is this, anything negative that I or my loved ones must experience, let, please let it be in the best way possible. You'll hear me tell stories later on about how I never. I never prayed for my children to have a perfect or easy life because if I deprived them through my prayers of opportunities to grow, well, they probably wouldn't grow, would they? So I would never Deprive my children of an opportunity to grow, but I do pray that it'd be in the best way possible. I had just forgotten to include myself in that too. And, Part of this struggle, part of my journey is learning the balance between this and that. What I should do, what I should not do. The hows and the whys and stepping out in faith and struggling with being stubborn. This is my life. I'm the future single lady and eventually I will be the finally single lady. I'm glad you're here on my journey. I hope that you find it Entertaining in some way or another hopefully sometimes comical. Yes, it's serious And yes, I get potty mouth because sometimes in my humble unsolicited opinion sometimes a curse word or two is What it really takes to express what is being felt. I apologize if that agitates or aggravates Anyone's sensitivities That's not my intent. I'm just a real person, honest, and putting it out there. This is my experience. If you get something from it, whether it's entertainment or companionship and knowing that you're not alone, or understanding, because someone you know and care about is experiencing something similar, great. Because that's why I'm here. This process is also cathartic for me. It helps speaking to you, so That's that for the day and I'll try to be on it. It occurs to me that um, that the six week gap that exists between where we started yesterday and where we are, well what aired for the first episode and There's a gap that needs to be covered and it would probably help to understand that instead of just jumping right in the middle, right? So there we have it. Join me tomorrow as we continue this trip down memory lane. Trip, trip, trip, tripping down memory lane. And you can also join me on social media. I have a Facebook page. It's future single lady and I think that's also on Instagram and I think Buzzsprout also has a website. The truth is I don't have all the supporting materials yet, at least not at the time of publication of this, and I'm hoping that that falls into place very quickly. My major thing is trying to make sure that this is done. That I continue on. I started the ball rolling yesterday. And I want to keep it rolling. And I want to keep this timely. And it would be great if the anniversary date of something that I experienced was aired. Aired what happened one year earlier. So today is February 13th. And I'm trying to launch or publish the things that happened on February 13th. Didn't get quite completed with that. these episodes initially start off long and I promise they get shorter. Yep. I promise that they do. So, I'm hoping to get this published today, on the one year anniversary of that date, and to continue on publishing, um, tomorrow. I will, uh, I'll try to get things up to speed as quickly as I can. I appreciate your patience. Thank you for knowing that I'm a real person, doing real stuff, and, Just trying to get it done as I learn something new and I fumble through the entire fucking process And I know I use some wordy dirts and I apologize for that. But you know what? That's me That's who I am. And that's just how I feel at the moment So I hope you continue on this journey and I hope you I hope you enjoy it Some of these things that I experienced may be sad at the time, but I promise it gets better Yeah In the meantime, feel free to send me a message, to like, follow, whatever, all of those things. The future single lady. And you can also email me, FutureSingleLady@gmail.com I would love to hear from you. I'd love to hear not just your, your thoughts on this craziness that's going on here, but what's going on in, in your life, in your world? What is it that makes you connect with what's going on here? Is it just entertaining? Do you? Do you want to listen and just hear how stupid I feel and, am behaving sometimes? Is it because you're going through something too, or that you already did, or you have a loved one who, who has or is? I would love to hear from you. Okay. FutureSingleLady@gmail.com Love you my friend. Thanks for being here.