Episode 9 - Cinderella Cooks, Too!

Day of Events: February 12 and 19, 2024

after my journal entry for the day, this is actually the telling of one of the ways he subversively dominated me- a way of sneaking in a sort of underhanded like and making himself look better by putting me down because I didn't fit into or believe in his definition of something or process...

I liked to cook but he always put me and my cooking down, nothing was ever good enough so why should I try?  I have lots more things to do, buddy!!

Scarlett Davis

Facebook: Future Single Lady

email: FutureSingleLady@gmail.com

Transcript

0:05

What did I promise you? I promised you the ups, the downs, and the all arounds and some of it might be triggering. So if you're triggered easily, stop listening here because this is not the place for you. I use wordy dirds. I say things that are foul. I'm very blunt. Sometimes I'm nice about how I say things, but not always. I say what I feel because it's the real deal. I'm telling my story of how I forced my way through a divorce with someone who I found out afterwards was a narcissist. I spent almost 20 years, well, almost 20 years married, over 20 years actually with this man. We have two children together and there was another child that he had before I met him. There's a lot of stuff going on here, a lot of variables, a lot of irons in the fire. This is me asserting my independence, my story, my version of what happened. I'm not giving any advice or if I am just know that I'm not qualified to give it because I'm not any kind of psychological professional. I am not qualified in any way to give any advice or legal advice or mental advice or anything else. All I am is a woman telling her story and being very emphatic about it sometimes, sometimes being very sad. Sometimes being angry, all kinds of emotions here. So if you're interested in that, then keep on. But if you're triggered easily, you might want to reconsider what you're doing here. I'm Scarlett Davis and I am the future single lady. Special delivery! It's finally arrived. I'm going through my journal filling in the gaps between me insisting upon my independence and when I actually started recording this. So I'm going through my journal entries and it turns out for this date, February 19th, there wasn't a really long entry. So you know what? I figured that was the perfect space to actually tell the story of how things went down. Of the day and the time when I said, Hey, let's have a chat and tried to, I did approach things nicely and as eloquently as possible and nicely as possible express that I didn't want to be married to this man anymore. Still be a family. Yes, just not married. And I thought I was addressing the elephant in the room. What do you, what happens when. When you tell a narcissist that you don't want them, when you reject someone who dares to think that there's no way anybody could reject them because they're so awesome. Well, this is the beginning of that story. All right, so here we go. It is February the, I don't know what it's today, the, I gotta look at the date on my journal to keep up with this. February the 19th, and quite honestly, there is very little to really say about this. I'm going to go through this, some of this really quickly, or at least there's, there's a lot to say about it. Two pages of stuff here, but a lot of it is not stuff that will make any sense to you, so I'm just going to get started and then go through it. 5 a. m. on a Monday. Why? Speaking engagement on, at a local high school. Mathis. I want the best of everything, all for the greatest good. I believe this will help me get there. After all, uh, okay, so basically I go into to some stuff. I have this idea and If you happen to be the person to make t shirts and websites and stuff that's really inspirational, contact me, futuresinglelady. at gmail. com. I have some stuff that I just feel like could be attitudinally revolutionary. It's, it's good to me anyway, but anyway. There's some stuff that it's, it's a visual thing, it's not It's not a verbal thing. It's not an audible thing. So I'm just going to gloss over that because it doesn't make any any sense to you. The traits of the day for my best future self are strength and success. I said, yes. That basically I I just absorb and and affirm all of that. Um, basically I had this whole idea this realization About yin and yang about masculine and feminine and so one well, I don't have to get into that it doesn't matter right now, but it was I just had a kind of a little epiphany there about yin and yang and the whole Idea of masculine is the idea of something and feminine is the creation of something. So it's like masculine So if you were to actually Transition that or translate that into actual sexuality sperm would be the idea of a baby But it's The woman with the egg in the womb that creates the baby the feminine does that So that's just it's about an energy thing. And so it was just a little epiphany for me. Oh uh speaking engagement that was this wonderful person Who does a lot of things she's a massage therapist here locally and she does a lot of networking stuff She has taken basically her the skills from her previous career and applied it to this one You And she helps a lot of people network together. And so she and I went and we were representing massage therapists in the coastal bend and it was a careers thing. So we weren't actually a speaking thing. It was just, we were there being presence introducing to high schoolers that this was a profession and it's a legit thing and we can help people and it helps with sports. It helps with recovery. It's therapeutic, focusing on the therapy. Anyway, it was a, it was a wonderful day. And then afterwards we had the, our chapter meeting for the local. Continuing on. Basically, I have some other ideas. Thoughts. That afternoon I had another entry. So in Corpus Christi I was, or basically I was summing up the day that I was in Corpus Christi at this lady's house by 8 a. m. With coffee and drinks for, for three people because her daughter came with us too, I think. Was that it? Something like that. The thing of the, the Mathis High School was cool. We listened to Zoom on the way back, or I listened to the Zoom meeting on my way back and While waiting for a meeting and it was a good meeting. Uh, oh, so it was a good meeting and I look forward to basically I had asked my husband to teach me his way of making hamburgers and I actually put the list of ingredients in here and so basically that, that's all but I just put the recipe in here and so one of the things I think that this might have actually been a turning point in how things went with us as far as the taking apart of our marriage. He realized I actually had an enthusiasm for cooking. He had always dominated me in the kitchen. In truth, in a very subversive manner, he always sought to dominate me. And some of it I recognized and some of it I didn't. And he had my family convinced that he was the only one who could cook. The truth is, because he was such an asshole about it, That I was just, I was just like, fine. You want to do the cooking? Fine. You want it done your way? Fine. Now, mind you, this is a man whose taste buds were so sensitive that he could go to a rib cook off competition, taste someone's ribs and name off every ingredient that they used, including blends of seasonings. He, he, he actually did that. Try cooking for someone like that. Now my thing was in the beginning, early on in our marriage, for one thing, um, I, I considered cooking, cooking. You, if you are putting stuff in pots and pans and you're mixing it together and you're cooking it on the stove, that's cooking. Well, that was not his definition of cooking. So right from the get go, our definition of cooking was not the same. His definition of cooking was, oh no, you gotta have a recipe and then you gotta tweak it. You make it a few times and you perfect it. You try this and you do that and whatever. That's cooking. Okay, um, that's a style of cooking. It doesn't mean that my stuff wasn't cooking. So, just because I opened up something from, from a box, And I followed the directions and I cooked it on the stove. No, that was, that was not cooking according to him. Yeah. I sense your reactions from here. Yeah. So him forcing his, his impact on me, which, okay. I'm, I'm always willing to learn. I'm always looking to improve myself and trying to see things from someone else's perspective. And I think sometimes this gets me into trouble because I feel like. In, like in Runaway Bride, when Julia Roberts, um, basically she, she conformed to what all of these men wanted to be, basically be the ideal. And I'm not saying that I was exactly like that, but because I guess I would just thought that supporting whoever I was with in whatever way that I could, that that was being a good partner. What I didn't realize is that the more I support the other person, the more I lost my own identity. I wasn't supporting my own identity. So even though, literally on our very first date, this man and I agreed that you can't, that you're an individual before you're part of a couple, and you're a couple before you're parents, and You have to have time for all of those relationships, a relationship with yourself, a relationship with your partner, as well as a relationship with your family, the kids that you, your family that you create, your children, that it can't be all about the children. It can't be all about the family because that's not balanced. If you're not nourishing the couple relationship, then you're not really being a good example to your children. And if you don't nourish yourself. You're not being a good example to your children and you're not being the person that you're part of a couple with, that makes up the couple, part of a couple. So we literally agreed to that in the, on the very first date that that was, we both thought that way. We had some very in depth conversations on that or just about life in general. So I was being supportive of him and I, I guess I thought it was unique to one relationship. And I definitely didn't want to go through it again. I was in a relationship for six years where I definitely lost my identity because I was so wrapped up in this guy. And it was, it was a very long, hard struggle to get back to me, to find myself again, who I am. And I, so I, I was trying to stand strong in this one and I was, I thought it was so cool that I had a guy who supported that. I will tell you in the very beginning, I My kids will tell you, and especially my stepdaughter at the time, would tell you that I was Cinderella. It's not that I just loved Cinderella, it's that I loved that I was Cinderella. And her daddy was my Prince Charming. I even looked into having, having our wedding at Disney. Uh, it started at 10, 000. And that was 20 years ago, can you imagine what it is now? But, I wanted, I wanted to, to show up, arrive, whatever, in Disney. Cinderella's carriage. That would have been just magical to me. Turns out that I did have a Cinderella themed wedding. It just was not in the same way. It's kind of like be careful what you wish for. My Cinderella themed wedding was leftover birthday cake from my stepdaughter's birthday because her birthday was in November and she wanted, because truly as often happens, This little girl looked up to me and adored me so much and she knew that I loved Cinderella so much So she wanted to be Cinderella for Halloween and her mom was was all game for that until she found out That the reason her little girl wanted to be Cinderella was because I believe that I am Cinderella. So, nope, needle scratch off the record. You want to know what her mom made her dress up as? A little witch. She went from being Cinderella to a witch. So, so you could say, was that the mother trying to project on me? Or was it, no, you can't be like her. You have to be like me. And she identified as a witch! Anyway, well, so Since that was the the case and we didn't have her for Halloween then her her dad said fine You didn't get to be Cinderella like you wanted to for Christmas. We'll give you a Cinderella themed birthday party two weeks later so we did it was two and a half weeks later and So we just had a justice of the peace. We didn't tell anybody We had a justice of the peace show up to our backyard on, on the day that, that we decided, and we thought we had to have witnesses. So there was one couple that, um, basically it was my husband's work wife, uh, you know, his, his best buddy there at work and that guy's wife, I really, really enjoyed her. Um, and so they were going to be our witnesses. Turns out we didn't need any witnesses and they invited another couple. Okay. Also, they were supposed to be our photographers. This was so laid back and super casual. I mean, we were literally in shorts and t shirts right before the ceremony. And I was following his lead. If he was going to be in shorts and a t shirt, so was I. And then he ran in to go take a shower and put on some better clothes. And so I did too. I was already clean. Mind you, well Gosh, I'm gonna have to back up again, aren't I? Well, no, I will just have to tell the story of leading up to the wedding later. Right now, we're talking about how I said I didn't want to be married anymore. So, trying to get back on track. Cinderella. Okay, so I had Cinderella themed cake. It was actually leftover birthday cake. Fast forward to asking for a divorce. I had been being nudged and encouraged from something that was greater than myself, from something that I believed to be divinity, pushing me and insisting upon claiming this divorce. I couldn't bear the thought of going into Valentine's Day pretending to be in love with someone who I absolutely was not. And I could not bear the thought of him putting his hands on me or me having to submit my My body to him and just like I could not Did not just did not have the energy for that Um, oh I got off on the um the cooking thing All over the place here. Apologize. That's welcome to the mind of scarlet I told you that this was gonna be an authentic podcast and this is this is me. This is real So here it is Anyway, so the cooking thing, cooking was not good enough, but I, I opened my mind. I, um, always willing to learn something new, fair and reasonable, and be a good supportive partner for my partner, trying, treating him the way I want to be treated, right? Because that's what we're supposed to do. Um, well, anything that I cooked was never good enough, and the question I would ask is, How does it taste? And he would start telling me how it could be improved upon. And this offended me. And after enough times of this, I finally looked at him and said, Thank you, but I didn't ask how it could be improved upon. The question that I asked was, How does it taste? Or, How do you like it? He did not like his authority not being received. Basically, he My perception is that he always wanted to be viewed as the king and the authority on all and his, his appreciation to be sought, his stamp of approval as the, the goal. And that wasn't me. And it came to a point, and he would, he would take my things. So, one of the things that did happen, that he did give approval of, is there was one day I was making spaghetti. And I did what I saw my father do, which it was a jar of sauce, and, but then adding in, My family loves garlic. I just realized kind of a little funny thing there. My mom and my uncle, people always called me garlic. So, yeah, my family loved garlic. Loves garlic. Some people don't love me anymore. I guess, I don't know. It doesn't matter. Doesn't stop me from shining my light. So, there you go. Anyway, spaghetti sauce, adding more garlic, garlic, whatever, whatever additional seasoning you want to just kind of kicking it up a notch. Well that just blew him away and he was like, you know. That's a really good idea. Well, then suddenly he has got to, you know, competition comes in and he has got to be better than, than this. He's got to do things his way. And so suddenly he becomes master and commander of the kitchen. And anytime spaghetti sauce is made, it's got, he's got to be the one doing this because, oh no, it needs a little, let me taste this. No, it needs a little, yeah, it needs this and maybe this other thing over here. For me, crickets are chirping and it's like, uh, okay, thought you liked the way I did it, but evidently that wasn't good enough. Okay, fine, whatever. Somewhere in there he comes up with this four hour recipe for, for homemade from scratch sauce, and it's really good. I'm not gonna lie, it's really good. And great that I inspired him. He even gave me credit for the inspiring of that. And it gave him, honestly, his thing was that he was always trying to grow up to be his dad. And his dad worked shift work where he would have sometimes up to a week off in a row. And his dad used his time wisely. And one of the things that he would do is find a recipe or create a recipe or whatever. He would do some, some really good cooking. And that's great because I got the benefit of that too. So, but the point is from then on, spaghetti sauce was his domain. So it was something that I started, but he had to take it over. And this was a repeating pattern. And it was a point, it became a point of a contention at, at some point that, and even our friends, he encouraged our friends to mock me. And I said, it's so frustrating that I do something, but then he has to copy it, but he has to make it better. And then everybody laughed and they were like, well, what's wrong with making it better? And I was like, the making it better is not the point. The thing is. That it was my thing and it was good to start with. But he had to turn it into a competition and take it over. So that my thing isn't good enough anymore. So why should I cook? Why the fuck should I put forth the effort to do a damn thing? If that's the way it's going to be treated. He even said at one point, He said, well, I'm, I'm like the cook and you, you're the baker. You're a really good baker. Well, no, that wasn't good enough either. He had to start being the baker too. He had to start coming up with cobblers and, oh, you know, I'm such a chef and so creative at, at all these things. And everybody likes whenever I make this or whenever I make that. And I, oh, you know, I got this recipe from someone and you know, well, okay. Okay. Just grandiose bullshit. So sick of it. So what it encouraged me to do is stay the fuck out of the kitchen. You want all the glory and honor for yours? Fine. Keep it because I am not competing. I have plenty of other stuff to do. So that was a thing in our marriage and I say all of that to get to this point. Um, he made really good hamburgers and some of it was inspired by my father and some of it was inspired by my grandfather. Actually, the steaks were more my grandfather. Um, but I expressed, you know, my thing was, if we were going to be separating, then our kids would be spending time eventually at his house, my house. Doesn't mean that the kids should go without some of the things that they are used to when they are at my house And it doesn't mean that that they should be exposed to only new things So basically I was deferring to him and his his experience and I asked him to teach me I said I want to make the burgers, but I want to make it the way you make it Can can you teach me? So of course that stroked his ego. So of course Well, the thing is I did it really well, and it was good You And I enjoyed it and everybody saw that. It wasn't like putting on a show or anything, but the point was made that I've always enjoyed cooking. I just don't like you telling me what to do. But in this case I have asked you to tell me to do things your way. I just don't like when you come in and take over my things. Well, basically everybody saw it. And I think that that was probably a turning point. for things not going as nicely as they were, because there was another incident where he realized that he had been ignoring me all along. He was nice enough to, uh, and we'll probably get into this later, but it'll come up in one of the journal entries. But I wanted to, uh, to cook a ham and I wanted it my way. I wanted it the way that My mom made it whenever I was a little girl. We were living in government housing and there was this beautiful ham. And it had these pineapple rings, and these bright red cherries on it, and pineapples and cherries were things that, that was such exotic stuff for me in this small, itty bitty, teeny tiny town in what we call West Texas. It's just about as far west as you want to go, but it's really north central Texas. And it was gorgeous, and we couldn't touch it. We couldn't, we couldn't drink or eat any more of the other stuff because it had to go on the ham. And the ham, I don't even know what it was for. I want to say maybe like an eastern star thing or something. I don't know. But it was this beautiful, shiny, glossy ham with this super yummy, delicious stuff on it. And I couldn't have any more. But my mommy had made this delicious goodness. And that was, that was, I guess a core memory for me. And I wanted to make that. Now mind you, he was really excellent at smoking a ham. Um, um. Every chance I got, I got him to smoke me a ham, and we'd have, we'd keep the ham bones to put in a pot of beans later. Are you getting hungry yet? But I loved the, the smoked ham, and like I said, he was, he was really phenomenal. He was really very skilled, and then that was a great benefit. It's just there was no room outside of his grandioseness, but when he realized that I had skill, and I had desire to cook, well anyway, so I was gonna make this ham. And he and our daughter went to the grocery store and he had her call me saying, dad wants your, your, your shopping list. Okay. So he was going to be buying the food. Okay, great. You know, this is a really good sign. This is cooperation and everything. So I just screenshotted the recipe list and I said, but don't, I said, nope, not cloves. I can't stand cloves, just the pineapple rings and maraschino cherries. They come in through the front door carrying the bags of groceries and he's halfway through the living room, we had an open floor plan, halfway through the living room almost to the bar where he's setting things down and he said, I am so sorry. I said, for what? He said, if you ever told me, he goes, I don't think you ever told me, but if you ever did, he goes, he goes, I didn't hear you that, that you don't like cloves. And he said, I've been making them all these years with cloves. And I just, I smiled and I said, I told you several times. I said, I just, I am so sorry. And I said, it's okay. I said, I just didn't eat that part. Well, I think that was, those things were beginnings. They, they cracked his eyes open to how much he had suppressed and oppressed me. That I actually enjoyed cooking. And I was actually good at it. When he wasn't, in effect, being an asshole about it. Anyway, so that was, um, that was, uh, yeah, I got the, I got the hamburger recipe here. So that's, that's great because honestly, I've been, I've been wanting it and there's no measurements here. It's just a little of this and a little of that. And that's the process. So back to, since that's, we've kind of got you on a daily thing here. So I figured I'd go into this whole thing about, I've been promising. That I needed to say how me asking for a divorce came about, the details of that, and I'll be honest, it was, it was a year ago and it was about an hour and 15 minutes of conversation and I'm just going to give you the, the parts that I remember as, as best I can. So this is February the 12th. I couldn't stand the thought of going into Valentine's with. For all of that. So my plan was to go about this in the nicest possible way And I've covered some of this with you already. So I'm just gonna kind of gloss through some of it That I wanted to start off with a show of faith So I gave him the Valentine's card that says I'd do it all over again because I would As much as I'm happy to be out of it, that marriage fulfilled a lot of dreams for me. I told him repeatedly that he made all the best dreams come true. I got my babies out of it. Those are, those are probably the best dreams, but I really would do it all over again. So there was 100 in there, and that was to go towards the concert tickets. We wanted to go see Styx and Foreigner, and we wanted these good seats like we had had before. Um, so I put 100 in there, and, so he was, he was like, Okay, he said, Why are you giving, giving me this early? It's still, Valentine's is still two days away. Why, why are you doing this early? I don't know. And so I told him that I know that he loves me, or I know that I love him, and I know that he loves me. And I said, but can you honestly say that you're still in love with me? Not gonna lie, it shocked the hell out of me when he immediately said yes. I'm pretty sure my mouth hit the floor. And I told him, I kind of nodded down the hall. So he was sitting in his seat on the couch and I was sitting on the corner of the coffee table facing him. So in between him and the, the huge ass TV. And mind you, he was on his, his iPad all the time playing his game. Because you know, I can't, I can't be given his, his full undivided attention. Our son was months away from graduation and which meant that our daughter was a couple of more months away from starting her senior year of high school. I nodded down the hall to where the kids rooms were and I said, I said, he's about to graduate. And then next year, uh, he's about to graduate. I said, but even whenever he leaves this house, he'll still, still be a member of our family, right? He said, yeah. And I said, and next year. Our daughter will be graduating and when she leaves our house, she'll still be a member of our family, right? He said, yeah. I was like, that's just it. We don't have to be in the same house or married in order to be family. And he said, so what you're saying is you want a divorce. And honestly, I could not say that word. It was just, I, it's such an ugly word being a child of divorce and my parents being children of divorce. Just such an ugly word, at least whenever I was growing up and I just, I couldn't, I couldn't squeeze that word out of, out of my throat. It just wasn't happening. And I told him that I wanted a peaceful parting of ways, that we could still be a family unit and we could work together and finish raising these kids and, and go our separate ways. But we didn't have to be married to do that. I also told him, we got into this without attorneys. We should be able to get out of it with attorneys. And he said, no, I said, no, I said, we can hire a mediator, which is basically a third party who knows more than we do, who makes sure that everything is fair and equitable. And he said, no, he said, he said, I guarantee you it's going to get ugly. And I said, no, I said, whatever you look for, that's what you will find. And I am not looking for that. He said, I guarantee you it's going to get ugly. He told me that I didn't have any right to the house. And I said, yes, I do. And he said, no, you don't. I said, yes, I do. My name is on the deed. We bought this house together. You have this house because of me. I'm entitled. No, you're not, especially not at its current value. Yes, I am. And I had a small smile on my face, peaceful and calm, speaking to him about the same way that I'm speaking to you, except heartbeat racing like a thousand beats a minute, but calm and peaceful and just like paddling a boat, slowly paddling, paddling slowly. Um, I made myself some notes so that I wouldn't get totally sidetracked. So he. Somewhere in here, I forget some of the order of these things. He gave me an opportunity to take it back because he promised me that it would get ugly. And, and somewhere in there he had said that he still had hope. I, I said, I said, honestly, I can't believe that you're still in love with me. And he said, yeah. He goes, you know, there are times he goes, I still have hope. Okay, shocker. Because. In my mind, I'm sitting there thinking, how can you call somebody a fucking cunt and still think that you're in love with them? But I didn't say that. I just, okay, go, go along with it. Finally, he's, he's giving me an opportunity to take it back, to change my mind. And for a millisecond, like half a millisecond, I was like, Oh, erase, do over what? Cause he's saying he's not going to be nice about this. And he actually is in love with me. What? And then I think, no, no, I didn't come this far for nothing. No, I've been thinking about this for a long time. No going back now. And I said, how can you say that you still have hope? I said, I don't, I don't see how that's possible. How, how can you say that you still have hope? And he goes, well, there are signs. And I said, well, like what? And he said, well, there are some times that I'm sitting here on the couch and you come, come from the bedroom, which is basically bedrooms at the back of the house and down, down a long hallway. And he goes, and you walk into the room and your nipples get hard. Needle scratch off the record, crickets chirp. What? My mind, what the fuck? In a nutshell, what, what's happening, and I've told him this repeatedly, but does he listen? Obviously not. So I tend to run a little hot. I have very large breasts, very large, and they're real. Um, it's a physiological response. I'm warm natured. I walk into a room where the surrounding area is colder, which he always had a fan. Okay, the fan that we had in our living room, it was a big ass fan. Not the brand, big ass, but it was, it was like, I think had eight or ten blades on it. And he always had it at a very high speed. I cannot stand the wind blowing on me. Or the air blowing on me. Near me and circulating whatever but, and being out at the beach or having the actual wind blow on me is one thing. But having artificial air blow on me, Ah, there's, there's only very specific circumstances where, where I like that. Well, of course, I walk into that room where it's like a hurricane in there. It's not really, I'm exaggerating, but close enough. I will just say that anywhere, any room where, where he was, had any control over the air, I had a blanket in there. Okay. So basically I would walk into the room and my nipples would get hard because the, the air was blowing on them. So basically he thought that he was. going to get to have some fun with those nipples and therefore the rest of my body? Basically, he had hope that he could still fuck me. That's what he defined as being in love with me. That's what that came out to. That was why he still had hope, was that he could stick his dick inside me. No. Oh, and he did make it a point to tell me that the last time that we were together physically, which. was after a concert. We were out of the ranch and it was post concert. I'm going to tell you right now. It was date rape. I don't care if I was married to him or not. The fact is I had kind of developed a bit of a routine that anytime that we would go out, I would definitely drink some cocktails. And then by the time that we would get home, I was almost asleep and he knew it and it left me alone. In this instance, he was determined to get some. I was actually asleep when he started touching me and moving my body and insisting on having his way with me. I didn't actually fight him off. I remember waking up saying, what, what? And he's like, come on, you know. And when I realized that it was going to happen, I I figured, if I'm going to have to endure this, then I may as well at least try to get something out of it for myself. He had a twinkle in his eye as he thoroughly enjoyed telling me that the last time we were together, the last time we had sex, that was the worst sex ever. And I just kept looking, maintaining eye contact, and with my little smile and saying, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. I was not disagreeing. I got date raped by the man I was married to. Yeah, just that alone ought to tell you that it was really bad sex. Uh, he was doing really whatever he could to start, you know, with the jabs. And he told me, you know, the kids have already decided where they want to live. Really? Okay. Okay. Endeavoring not to show any surprise because I know his subtle and manipulative behavior. It was a shocker that he had had a conversation that deep with the children. Uh, he also, I think around the time that we were talking about sex, that, uh, he had asked me if I had been with someone else that, that why was I wanting this? And I told him I hadn't been happy for a long time and I know he hadn't either. And I really thought I was just addressing the elephant in the room. And thinking that we would, we would all be happier because of this. And he said, we know if you've been someone else, it's, it's okay. And he was giving me this, the, his tone and the look in his eyes was, there was almost kind of a gleam as he was telling me that it was okay that when he was kind of looking me out of kind of like the corner of his eye, like, it's okay. Like I have been. So at first it was, At one, I was, I was shocked by it because I haven't, I always have made sure that it was never called into question whether or not I was, I was faithful. Very old fashioned beliefs at the time and I embodied those. I tried to be the model mother and wife for my children. So him telling me, you know, so is there someone else? And I said, no. You know, because it's okay if you have. And this, this kind of inference, this look in his eye that tells me, oh yeah, he's been with other people. At first I thought maybe he was just trying to catch me in saying something so that he could hurl it against me, you know, about maybe that I've been just um, a crazy fucking whore or something, which I hadn't been. Always the picture of propriety. Um, covered the rest of that. He insisted on telling the children. He said, he said, well, you know, we gotta tell the kids. And I was like, no, let's just keep this between us for now. And he was like, oh no. Kids, come in here. Now mind you, this man could not. It's funny, I want to say that he could not keep a secret to save his soul. But he turns out kept a lot of secrets. Some of which are still coming to light. So he called the kids in there. Okay, so, um, I'm just going to give you an example of how he could not keep a secret. I was pregnant, and whenever we found out that it was a boy, we left the doctor's office at the hospital, and I said, Can we just keep this to ourselves for a little bit? I liked the idea of having a secret. So, um, with my husband, something that was just mine and his thing that only he and I knew. He and I made the baby. We should, you know, he was like, Oh yeah, sure. He immediately gets on the phone and calls his mother. My jaw drops. He gets off the phone and I was like, so what happened to us just keeping it to ourselves? He was like, well, yeah, that's fine. He goes, I had to tell my parents. Uh, that's not ourselves. And honestly, that right there should give you a clue to, or a lot of insight to the rest of our marriage. There were a lot of times that his mother knew things before I did. And that by the time he got around to telling me, he, I wasn't getting as much details or enthusiasm because he had already told the story. So much for the man who taught me that, well, one, he was celebrating himself for being right. Because. One of his co workers was going through a, whatever class it is that, whatever church it does, before people get married, you go through and you learn these things together. And the guy comes, comes out and he goes, man, I can't believe, you know, the, the pastor, priest, whoever it was, asked, asked this question and he got it wrong. And the question basically was, it's the future. You and your wife, you have children. Your wife and your child are in an accident and you can save only one of them. No matter what you can do, you can only save one of them. Who do you choose? Well, he said the child because they're young and they haven't started their life yet. They're you're young and innocent. That was not the right answer. Well, the man I wound up marrying had the right answer. And the answer was you save the spouse because theoretically you can create more Children. But your spouse. Is the one person that you have spent your entire life looking for and that you've committed the rest of your life to. Even if no one's lives were threatened, your children will eventually grow up and leave you. And it is your spouse that you're supposed to keep, that you're supposed to be with, that you're supposed to grow old and die with. So this is what the man who I married taught me. But he ran into his mama every chance he got. Moving on. So he called the kids in and basically I'm sitting there and I'm, I'm really not, I, I'm crying at this point because I'm really not wanting to say this to my kids. But, basically I told him that I felt like I was addressing the elephant in the room. And that none of us had been happy for, for a while. And that I was looking for a peaceful parting of ways and that we can still be a family, but we don't have to be married for that to be the case. My daughter's jaw drops and she goes, well I didn't expect this to happen until after I graduated. So she was already expecting it. My son was like, are you serious? Like he, he literally had. Difficulty believing that he, basically it felt surreal to him because we were so calm and peaceful about it. Just like I'm speaking to you right now. And let me tell you, this little Irish English redhead, when I get angry, mmm, yeah, the crazy comes out. I am, I'm a very passionate person is really what it boils down to. And whatever, whatever has my focus and my attention, I'm very passionate about. And if it means, if it's standing up for myself or standing up for my children or just standing up and insisting on being heard, I will be heard. And historically that means not hesitating to use my outside voice. I've learned. Other ways to express myself then. But if I have to yell and scream and I will, which is crazy because I never wanted to have that kind of household. But if I have to raise my voice, I will. Because yeah, he, he often did not like me speaking up and speaking my truth. And so he often tried to silence me, which meant that I spoke up even louder. As I was telling my children this, for one, I apologized to them for the timing. And expressed that I didn't want anything to impact my son's celebrations. His birthday, him enlisting in the Navy, his graduation, his shipping off, all of it. And assuring them that we can still be a family. We just don't have to be married to do it. And we can still be an effective team and get things done. Be a winning team. Um, I lost my train of thought there. Oh, the thing, and I said, I tried to, I said, nobody's been happy for years. And I really tried to try to wait, to suck it up and wait until after our daughter had graduated. But then I realized, and this is, this is, this is really where it got me. This is where I started bawling and, you know, sinus is all swollen up and you know, can't breathe through the nose, but suddenly the water, the nose becomes really watery and just draining like a sieve. And, but then I realized what kind of example I was setting for you children. And I didn't want you to think that it was okay to live that way. continue on in a relationship where you weren't happy To force a smiley face on when really you're sad inside and I mean that just that was that was really my big thing that was Um So that was that was really the the big things and So it turns out that the whole kids have already decided where they want to live You Because I brought this up to the kids and I said, so evidently y'all have already discussed this and you've already decided where you want to live. And my son was like, what are you talking? He's like, I have no idea what you're talking about. He goes, I haven't. And my daughter was like, well, so what had, what it had come down to is that on one of these many trips where they had gone to the ranch. So this is, Two hours and forty five minutes away. We call it the ranch, but it was really just a little under ten acres, and it was a property that his mother had inherited after her brother had died. Well, it was, it was my husband and children who went and worked like slaves to maintain that property. Excuse me. And, but they would go up there, they would leave on a Friday night or a Saturday morning. Well, I worked on Saturdays. So I couldn't join them, especially if this was not planned ahead. And a lot of my clients were booked six months and a year ahead. So it's, it had definitely had to be pre planned. And that's my paycheck. That's, God, you see my voice is not one that wanted to speak these things out. But the point is that I couldn't go. And it was a double edged sword for me. Either, A, I make money, or I don't and that's a whole other thing with that as far as the family or I take time off work and go do these things. Well, I enjoyed that property up there and at the same time I hated it. When there were changes made to the property, I had zero input. The man I was married to was known for for yelling and screaming. All the while and saying all these things about his mother and sister who did make the decisions for the property based on whatever he said. And then he and my children worked like little slaves to enact their visions of what they wanted. And he would always tell my kids as they're busting their butts and he's yelling and screaming at them for not doing things good enough, that Yep, that they were busting their asses on this place and that his sister was probably going to inherit it. And that they weren't ever going to see shit out of it. And the kids, especially my son, are like, Why the hell am I busting my ass for a place that I don't own, and that I'm not ever going to own in the future? Why am I having to spend my weekends doing this? I would rather be playing games with my friends. I'd rather be at my own house, in my own bed, doing my own thing. Why the heck do I have to be up here busting my ass, with you yelling and screaming at me, telling me I'm not doing it good enough? So in the end, they did have, they did of course have some good times and everything. It wasn't, it wasn't all bad, but I think you're probably beginning to see the dynamic at play here. That there was constant yelling and screaming and you're not good enough, you're not good enough, you're not good enough and let me take you away from your, from your mom and I'm going to take you out in the country and we're going to do stuff that I know you don't want to do but you've got to do it anyway because I tell you to and you've got to be my little slaves at it. Well, on these three hour drives back and forth then he had a captive audience. My son would be in the back seat basically trying to go to sleep. Daughter would be up front. She's more daddy's little girl. And she would be up front. And so he would have a way of manipulating a conversation and say things without saying things. And one of his things that he was known for saying is, Oh, you know, I just, I try to be, you know, it's, it's good to be prepared for all situations. You know, you think about things before they happen so that when they do happen, you're prepared for it and you're okay with it and you can handle it. You know, so I just, I test myself all the time, you know, like when my dad died, I was Um, yeah, it was a shock and everything, but, you know, I handled my shit, I handled my business, I was able to deal with what I had to, but look at my sister, she was completely lost, because she was so completely and totally dependent on our father, and she couldn't handle her day to day life without him, because he was her little bitch, and whatever, so he would say these kinds of things. And then, so then that would make it easy to lead into something else. Like, so what would I do in a situation if, you know, my mom died or you're, or you know, what if your mom died and, you know, or this or that, or, you know, one of you kids, I never want that, but it's like, you think about these things so that if they happen, then it's, it, you know, it doesn't have as much hurt. So he works into one of these conversations and in one of these hypothetical conversations. He's talking to the kids, to both of the kids, primarily my daughter. And, you know, he's thinking, you know, like if, if something like that were to happen, you know, like if, if your mom decided that she wanted to divorce me or whatever, you know, whatever, the hypothetical hypothetical hypothetical, right. Well, my son who is about to graduate high school and has lived in the same house since he was five years old says. Well, I know one thing I'm not moving Okay, so there were two assumptions being made here number one the assumption from their dad Was that he would have the house? that I had no right to it and When we had actually split up before he had told me that I couldn't afford the house and I said it doesn't matter you're leaving I'm not That's a whole other story. And, the kids just automatically assumed that I would shoot up to Abilene, to where my family is up there. No, that was not my plan at all. So, everything is inferred that, hypothetically, if we should get a divorce, the kids aren't leaving the house. That's And he's assuming that he has the house. Ergo, the children choose him. Well, that's not what was said. At all. At. All. But that's what he was saying. So, that was basically how everything went down. And, you've listened to me enough to know that I see signs everywhere and That I started this conversation at 616 p. m. And I was back in my chair in the master bedroom at 838 p. m. Both of which were good signs. And I thought it comical that he said that he had to get a new hairstyle. I was so grateful whenever he said that he was not sleeping in that room again. And that he was sleeping in the spare room. Thank you Lord Jesus, Amen! Prayer answered, but I thought it comical that he said he had to get a new hairstylist. Okay, whatever. And I told him I was like I'm not gonna jack your hair up. I still have to look at you. You're the father of my children Oh, so this was speaking of the kids This was one of the things that I had said said when I was saying this stuff about we got into this without attorneys we can get out of it without attorneys and Of course he was saying no and I said even if We don't have respect for the 20 years that we've been together. So we should respect our children by honoring the fact that they are not only each a part of us, but that we are a part of them. We each are in our children and if we honor and respect our children, we will honor and respect each other. Well, obviously he didn't agree with that. So, things got ugly. By the way, we did have to get a mediator because that's part of the court process. And, well, uh, I already kind of outlined what happened in the next couple of days, but I had found a process where we could get a mediator that it would cost us 75. Fast forward, what did we wind up doing? We had a mediator that, I, I don't recall if it was 5. 50 each or 5. 75 each or something. It was, it was 500 something dollars each. That we had to pay to the mediator and honestly, we didn't even get our full time worth. That's a whole other story the mediator called off the rest of mediation when he saw That the man I was married to was skirting around a bunch of bullshit and hiding a hundred thousand dollars But that's a story for another day. Also I still have paid twenty three thousand dollars in attorney's fees and my attorney You Is still wanting over$2,000 more.$2,002 and 40 cents was the last tally I saw. And I straight up told her I can't get what, give you what I don't have. So good luck with that. Uh, lots more to that story. So I know I've dropped a lot of little nuggets there, but there's a lot more to come. So now you have a lot more juicy tidbits, not only of actually how everything went down, but also a little bit more insight into what life was like with this man. And of course, it's easy to zoom out and to look at the overarching things and to see what twists and turns affected things in the past and what kind of ripple effect they created in the future because you're zoomed out looking at things. But. When you're in the moment, you're just dealing with it as, as life goes on, right? If if, well, I guess if we're gonna keep using water analogies and we're talking about ripple effects, well I guess when you're in the moment, you're just treading water or just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. So this is my story. I hope you're enjoying it and let me know what you think. Please reach out to me, future single lady@gmail.com or go to my Facebook page, future Single Lady. I'd love to hear from you and when you hear back. It's gonna be from me. Nobody else. Just me. So bring it. Tell me what's going on in your life. Tell me how this is affecting you. Alright? I'd love to hear from you. So I hope you stick around and you listen to the rest. I wanna be like Paul Harvey, the rest of the story.