Your Utmost Life

Why You're Tired All the Time (It's Not What You Think)

• Misty Celli • Episode 16

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Do you ever feel completely exhausted, even after a full night's sleep? That bone-deep weariness might not be about rest at all.

The fatigue many of us experience goes deeper than physical tiredness—it's about losing connection with our authentic selves beneath all our roles and responsibilities. As mothers, we've mastered the art of caring for everyone else while gradually disconnecting from our own needs and desires. This phenomenon, supported by fascinating research, explains why mothers with young adult children report being more exhausted than those with newborns.

Science reveals the surprising truth behind this exhaustion. When we consistently prioritize others' needs over our own, our brains literally forget how to interpret our internal signals. It's like having a GPS system that can no longer locate you. Stanford researchers discovered women struggling with identity questions have stress hormones continuously coursing through their bodies—not from external stressors, but from their brains working overtime trying to determine who they're supposed to be at any moment.

The mental load we carry as mothers transitions but doesn't diminish as our children grow. We shift from managing logistics to navigating complex emotional territories—supporting without hovering, allowing failure while managing our anxiety, maintaining connection without intrusiveness. Studies show mothers spend a staggering 23 hours weekly on invisible mental processing related to family needs. Meanwhile, society expects us to navigate these transitions with perfect composure, letting go gracefully while remaining available, celebrating independence while quietly grieving our changing roles.

Reconnecting with yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary. The path back to vitality begins with small, consistent steps: five-minute daily check-ins with yourself, identifying who you are beyond your roles, monitoring your self-talk, expressing authentic needs, and living according to your values. Research shows women who treat themselves with even half the kindness they show others experience a 43% increase in energy and life satisfaction within just one month.

Download your free Utmost Life Alignment Check-in and take the first step toward remembering who you've always been beneath all your roles. Because you don't just manage a life—you deserve to fully live one too.

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Misty:

Have you ever felt tired in your bones? Not just sleepy, but tired of something you can't name, tired of being you? You're doing everything right, you might even be crushing it by everyone else's standards, but you wake up each morning feeling like you're starting the day already behind, already depleted. You move through your hours feeling like you're just going through the motions, like you're carrying this heavy weight. You fall into bed at night not just physically tired, but deeply tired, like a soul tired. You're wondering what's wrong with you. Why can't you seem to find your energy, your spark, your you? What if I told you that the tiredness you feel has nothing to do with how much sleep you got last night? I want to say something that might feel a little different from what you've heard before, but stay with me. What if this exhaustion isn't actually about needing more sleep or better self-care? What if there's something else going on, something deeper that no amount of rest seems to touch? If you've been wondering why you can sleep seven hours and still wake up tired, why quiet time doesn't quiet your mind, or why you feel empty even when your life looks full, you're not imagining it and you're definitely not broken. Motherhood is a gift, but let's be honest, it can also leave you feeling overwhelmed, invisible and disconnected from the woman you once were. If you ever wondered, who am I beyond being a mom, know this you are not alone.

Misty:

Welcome to your Upmost Life. I'm Misty, a mom just like you, who has faced chaos, self-doubt and the loss of identity, hitting rock bottom and emerging stronger, with clarity, confidence and purpose. Each week, we will explore practical tools and transformative truths to help you reclaim your identity, rebuild your confidence and rediscover the joy that lights you up. On this journey. Together, you'll break free from overwhelm, embrace your worth and step fully into the most authentic version of yourself. Through heartfelt conversations and actionable strategies, you will learn how to design a life that excites and fulfills you, a life where you become the woman you were always meant to be, because you're not just a mom. You are so much more, and if you're ready to embrace her, let's get started.

Misty:

You know that moment when someone asks how are you and you automatically say fine or busy, because you don't even know how to name what you're actually feeling that bone deep weariness that has nothing to do with your to-do list and everything to do with how you feel like you're disappearing in your own life. This isn't about needing more sleep. This is about a kind of fatigue that lives deeper and places rest can't reach. And here's what I've discovered. This exhaustion often shows up when you've been living so focused on everyone else's needs that we've lost touch with our own. I want you to know that you are not alone. Research proves this.

Misty:

A 2023 study published in the Journal of Family Issues found that 76% of mothers reported feeling completely overwhelmed by their mental load. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? That invisible thing where you're always the one remembering everything, not just the big stuff, but all the little details that keep everyone else's lives running smoothly. And here's what nobody tells you when your kids get older, that mental load doesn't magically disappear. It actually gets weirder and heavier. Like when they were little, you knew exactly what they needed from you. Now you're trying to figure out how to care without hovering, how to stay connected without being in clingy, or how to let them fail without wanting to swoop in and fix everything. Meanwhile, you're looking in the mirror thinking who am I if I'm not actively mothering someone? I came across this study that made me go. Yes, finally, someone gets.

Misty:

It Turns out moms like us with kids who are 18 to 25 are actually more exhausted than moms with newborns Can you believe that? More tired than women who are literally up all night feeding babies. So not only were we tired through pregnancy without sleep when they were babies, but now we were actually even more exhausted. Nobody warns us of this or prepares us for this. The researchers called it this ambiguous loss, which sounds fancy, but basically it means that we're grieving something that isn't really gone. Our kids are still here, but our role as their primary, everything that's shifted, and nobody prepared us for how emotionally exhausting that would be.

Misty:

And here's what's really wild. There's actually brain science behind why this feels so exhausting. I was reading about this researcher, dr Lisa Feldman Barrett, and she talks about something called emotional granularity. Basically, it's your ability to actually know what you're feeling and what you need in any given moment. But here's the thing when you've spent years putting everyone else's needs first, your brain literally forgets how to read your own signals. Think about it. Your brain is this amazing prediction machine, right? It's constantly trying to figure out what you need to feel good and to function well and how to protect you. But if you've been ignoring those signals for years telling yourself I'm fine, I don't need anything, everyone else comes first. Your brain gets confused. It's like having a GPS that can't find your location anymore. So, instead of efficiently managing your energy, your brain just keeps you in this low level panic mode, constantly scanning for what you're supposed to do next, how you're supposed to feel, who you're supposed to be.

Misty:

I read this study from Stanford that just blew my mind. They looked at women who had the hardest time answering the question who am I? And these women had stress hormones running through their bodies all day long, not because anything dramatic was happening, but because their brains were literally working overtime, trying to figure out who they were supposed to be at that moment. Oh my goodness, that explains so much. Our brains are literally trying to figure out who they were supposed to be at that moment. Oh my goodness, that explains so much. Our brains are literally trying to figure out in every single moment Am I a mom? Am I a wife? Am I a daughter? Am I a friend? Oh my goodness, what am I supposed to be doing? Am I the cab driver? It's exhausting, right. So here's what I have figured out, both from diving into the research and, honestly, just living this myself.

Misty:

There's this thing called the mental load that we carry, and when your kids are young adults, oh my goodness, it gets so much heavier and way more complicated. Like it's not just remembering to pick up milk anymore. Now it's stuff like, okay, your 20 year old calls you stressed about their job, and you spend the next three hours mentally rehearsing what you should have said differently. Or they make a decision and you think it's a mistake, and you're lying awake at night trying to figure out how you can be supportive without being that mom who swoops in to fix everything, and how to not sound like you're nagging. And then there's all the emotional processing we do like grieving the fact that they don't need you the same way anymore, while simultaneously trying to figure out who you are if you're not actively mothering someone, or managing your own feelings about their independency while trying to celebrate it, navigating all the family dynamics when everyone's relationships are shifting.

Misty:

I came across this study that literally made me want to cry. Researchers found that moms like us spend over three hours every single day just thinking about and emotionally processing our family's needs. Three hours, that's 23 hours a week of mental energy that nobody sees, nobody acknowledges and, honestly, half the time we don't even realize we're doing it ourselves. And let's talk about the cultural piece for a moment because, honestly, the messages that we are getting are absolutely insane. Society basically tells us that we should glide gracefully from intensive hands-on parenting into the whole rediscovering yourself phase. And oh, by the way, your house should be clean, it should be Pinterest worthy, your marriage should be thriving and if you have a career, you should be crushing that too. Like, seriously, what I saw. This research from Pew that just made me so mad.

Misty:

68% of moms feel like they have to appear perfectly composed during this whole launching phase. Get this. 81 of us say that this stage is actually harder emotionally than when our kids were toddlers. So we're supposed to look like we have it all figured out during what might be the most confusing times of our lives. Think about the impossible expectations we're supposed to let go gracefully but still be available whenever they need us. Celebrate independency why quietly grieving that they don't need us the same way? Or reinventing ourselves, but not change too much, because everyone still needs us to be us.

Misty:

I absolutely agree with Brene Brown when you are trying to hold all these contradictory feelings, all these emotions, without being allowed to actually feel them or talk about them, because you have to be the strong one, you have to be supportive. Your body literally never gets to relax. It's like your nervous system is constantly braced for the next thing that you're supposed to be handling perfectly. Exhaustion doesn't even begin to cover that. For me, this kind of tiredness showed up when I was doing all the right things. My house was clean, everyone was fed and happy. I was anticipating needs before people even knew they had them, and happy I was anticipating needs before people even knew they had them. I was basically super mom and super wife rolled into one, and yet yet inside I was empty. And it wasn't because I didn't love my family or I didn't want to take care of them I absolutely 1000% did, but somewhere along the way I had completely erased myself in the process.

Misty:

So I started digging into research on sleep and energy and, oh my gosh, what I found explained everything. So there's this huge difference between your body resting and your mind actually being restored. Harvard did this study where they looked at people who were living in ways that didn't match who they really were. And here's the crazy part they slept fine, normal sleep patterns, getting their eight hours of sleep, but their bodies weren't actually recovering. It's like their minds never fully shut down because there was this constant background tension between who they were and how they were living.

Misty:

Dr Matthew Walker, you know the sleep guy. He explains that real restoration only happens when your conscious and unconscious minds are on the same page. But when you're constantly pushing down your own needs and desires to be who everyone else needs you to be, your brain is basically working the night shift. It's trying to process all the internal conflict while you sleep. So you wake up having rested your body but feeling like your soul never got a break. So basically, this exhaustion creeps in when your identity gets completely buried under all your roles. Like when was the last time someone called you by your actual name instead of hey, mom, or hey, honey, or hey? Can you help me with this?

Misty:

After years of digging into this, both the research and honestly just living it myself, I figured out there are seven areas where we tend to lose ourselves, and when we do, that's when the real soul, deep fatigue, hits. First. There's knowing who you are, beyond all the hats you wear. Like if you weren't actively mothering or taking care of everyone else, who would you be? What would you like? Research shows that women who actually answer the question are 40% less exhausted than those of us who define ourselves entirely through our relationships. And, oh my goodness, there's that voice in your head, what you say to yourself, that truly impacts your life.

Misty:

Ucla found that when we're constantly criticizing ourselves internally, our stress hormone spikes like 35%. So that exhaustion you feel some of it literally might be coming from how you talk to yourself. And here's the deal actually expressing what you need and what you want, instead of just stuffing it down, is so vital. When you constantly suppress your authentic thoughts and feelings, your nervous system never gets to relax. It's like being on high alert all the time, which is absolutely exhausting and draining. You know what I'm talking about. It's that pit in your stomach when you begin to feel something and you want to say it, but you choose just to keep others happy.

Misty:

Feeling truly seen and heard isn't just nice to have. It's actually necessary for your brain to function well. When you feel genuinely understood by others, your body recovers from stress faster and uses energy more efficiently. Then there's living in a way that actually matches your values, not just what everyone else is expecting from you. This isn't about having perfect routines. It's about making choices that feel right for who you actually are. Having a sense of purpose that goes beyond just taking things off your to-do list gives you what psychologists call meaningful wellbeing. Basically, it's the kind of life satisfaction that actually energizes you instead of draining. You Finally have some clarity about where you're heading and why it matters. When your brain knows the direction that you're going, it can use your energy efficiently instead of keeping you in that constant what's next preparation mode.

Misty:

So how do you know if what you're dealing with is identity fatigue and not just regular exhaustion? Here are the signs I've noticed in my own life and honestly, once I started paying attention, I saw them everywhere. You get rest but don't actually feel restored. Like you finally decided you're going to take a whole Saturday to do nothing, but then you realize you still feel drained. You get quiet time, but your mind is still going a million miles an hour. You start feeling resentful, even though everything in your life looks perfectly fine from the outside and here's a big one. You catch yourself saying I don't know, or whatever works for you way more than you should Like. Someone asks what you want for dinner and you genuinely have no idea. Or you want to go on vacation, what movie you want to watch, or what do you want to do this weekend, and you have no idea. Your mind is completely blank and then it starts searching for the right answer, you know that, one that will please everyone.

Misty:

You feel invisible, and here's the really hard part. You feel invisible even to yourself, like you've become this supporting character in your own life, like you're living a half-life, like something is missing, something is off. If you've been telling yourself things like I just need a good night's sleep, or this is just another busy season, or other women handle way more than me and I just can't seem to get it together. But deep down you're thinking I am so tired I don't even care anymore. If any of those feel familiar, then, yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But listen, come back to me. I need you to hear this.

Misty:

What you're feeling isn't weakness, this is disconnection. There is a huge difference. When you're disconnected from your core self, your actual needs, your real voice, what you genuinely want, your whole system just starts breaking down. Because here's the thing you weren't designed to live on autopilot forever. You were made to live with intention, and when you lose that sense of purpose, your energy disappears with it. Now, living with intention does not mean that you need some perfect morning routine or a 10-step plan for your life. It just means being present in your own life, living a whole life instead of living a half-life.

Misty:

It's as simple as asking yourself things like what do I actually need today? What really matters to me right now? Where am I saying yes because I feel guilty instead of because it feels right? So how do you start reconnecting with yourself? You start small. You just notice. Notice when you say yes, when your whole body feels like screaming. No. Notice those brief moments when you actually feel energized, even if they're rare. Or notice when you feel empty, resentful or like you don't even exist in your own life. And then you start asking yourself the deeper questions what do I miss about myself? When do I feel most like me? And here's the deal.

Misty:

Researchers at University of Pennsylvania found that people who spend just five minutes a day checking in with themselves not making to-do lists or setting goals, but actually asking themselves how am I doing? How am I feeling those people had more energy within two weeks. Five minutes per day for two weeks. That's it. To get more energy? Heck yeah. If those questions feel impossible to answer right now, that's totally okay. That doesn't mean that you're broken or behind or doing anything wrong. It just means you've been in survival mode for a really long time.

Misty:

That's actually why I created your utmost life alignment check-in. It's this gentle way to start reconnecting with yourself, without adding any pressure or making you feel like you've just got handed another assignment for your already overwhelming life. The check-in walks you through those seven areas we just talked about things like knowing who you are beyond all your roles, actually supporting yourself instead of tearing yourself down or expressing what you really think and feel, feeling genuinely seen by the people in your life, and living a way that matches your values, having a sense of purpose and getting some clarity about where you're headed. But here's what I love about it it doesn't expect you to fix everything at once, because, honestly, who has time for that? Instead, just ask yourself to pick one word to focus on this week and one tiny action to take. That's it, and the research backs this up.

Misty:

Real lasting change happens through those small shifts, not through completely overhauling your entire life overnight, because, let's be honest, you're already exhausted. The last thing you need is some massive self-improvement project. If you're multitasking, come back to me, because I really need you to hear this you are not weak, you are not behind, you are not broken. You're tired because you've been holding up everyone else's world without letting anyone hold up yours. You've created this beautiful life that works perfectly for everyone else. You've been the one keeping everything together your home, your marriage, your kids, your whole family. You've juggled it all and, honestly, you've done an amazing job.

Misty:

But here's what I want you to remember you don't just manage a life, you actually have one too, and your life doesn't have to be about just getting through each day and calling that strength. It can be about coming back to yourself, restoring what's been depleted, rebuilding that connection to who you really are. And here's the really good news Scientists have proven that your brain can actually change at any age. So those patterns of putting everyone else first and losing yourself in the process, they're not permanent. The pathways back to feeling alive and energized again, they can absolutely be rebuilt, but it starts with just being aware of what's actually happening, and awareness starts with asking yourself the right questions instead of just pushing through one more day, and I know what you might be thinking right now.

Misty:

This sounds great, but how do I do this without making everyone else feel like I don't love our life? What if my family thinks I'm being selfish? What if they get insecure, thinking I want to become someone completely different? Listen, you can absolutely reconnect with yourself without anyone feeling threatened or unloved. You're not trying to become someone else. You're trying to remember who you've always been underneath all of the roles, and you don't have to add one more thing to your already packed life. This isn't about creating more to do's. It's about bringing more of yourself to what you're already doing.

Misty:

That's what this podcast is for. That's what this week's free tool is designed to help with. It's designed to give you a gentle, guilt-free way to start checking back in with yourself without anyone feeling like you're pulling away from them. Because here's what actually happens when you start taking care of your own needs, too, everyone benefits. You show up more present, more energized, more like person that they fell in love with in the first place.

Misty:

And I wanna share one more thing that completely blew my mind. Dr Kristen Knack did this amazing research on self-compassion, and what she found is crazy. So women who start treating themselves with even half the kindness they show everyone else. Their energy and life satisfaction went up by 43% in one month. 43% in one month just from being half as gentle with yourself as you are with your best friend. So if something hit you or stirred inside of you today while you've been listening, I want you to go grab your utmost life check-in. You can find it in the link in the show notes or just go to yourunmostselfcom forward slash alignment check-in. Let today be the moment that you stop just surviving and start coming home to yourself, because you are not alone in this, you are not too far gone and you are absolutely not too late. So go grab that check-in, take a deep breath and remember this is just the first step back to you and that's exactly where you belong. Thanks for letting me chat with you today. It means the world. I'll talk to you next week.