From Invisible to Invincible

Who You Are Never Disappeared (She's Just Been Waiting) - The Message I Wish Someone Had Told Me

Do you ever feel like a ghost in your own life—visible only when someone needs something from you? If you're struggling with that overwhelming sense of disconnection from who you truly are, this deeply personal episode will help you understand you're not alone and it's not something you have to accept as "just part of being a mom."

Join host Misty Chelley as she shares the raw moment standing in her kitchen when she realized: "If I disappeared, would anyone notice ME—not what I do, but who I am?" This jarring revelation showed how she'd become defined solely by her function, seamlessly woven into the background as the woman who makes everything work. She'd become invisible to herself.

Research confirms this experience is common—women who primarily identify through caregiving roles experience what researchers call "identity foreclosure" during midlife transitions. This isn't a midlife crisis; it's an identity crisis. And there's a way through.

In this transformative episode, you'll discover:

• The three destructive lies that keep us trapped in cycles of invisibility and how to break free from them
• Why "This is just how life is when you're a mom" is a myth—motherhood doesn't require self-erasure
• How gratitude without action becomes just another form of resignation
• Why taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's sustainable and necessary
• The simple practice that transformed everything: paying attention to your thoughts about yourself
• How small changes create ripple effects that reclaim your entire identity
• Why the restlessness you feel isn't a problem to fix but your soul telling you you're ready for your next chapter

Key topics covered:

• Rediscovering your identity beyond caregiving roles
• Overcoming feeling invisible in your own life
• Understanding identity foreclosure and midlife transitions
• Breaking free from inherited thoughts that keep you small
• Practical steps for reconnecting with who you are
• Creating your next chapter without starting over
• The difference between selfishness and sustainable self-care

Whether you're wondering "who am I anymore?" or feeling guilty for wanting more than just being someone's everything, this conversation will remind you that who you are never disappeared—she's just been waiting for you to notice her again. You're not too late; you're right on time.

Ready to reclaim your identity? Grab Misty's free guide, 10 Signs You're Ready to Create Your Next Chapter, at yourutmostself.com/nextchapter and join thousands of women who are remembering they matter too.

Remember: You are not alone, you are not broken, and your story isn't over—the best chapters are yet to be written.

📲What would it be like to empower a friend who needs to hear this, letting her know she’s not alone in her struggles? Share this episode today.

🔗 Follow for daily encouragement and behind-the-scenes heart-to-hearts: @yourutmostself

🎧 What would happen if you never missed a conversation that powerfully reminds you of who you truly are? Subscribe to the podcast now.

✨ How could you continue your journey of self-discovery and empowerment with free resources, articles, and more? Visit Your Utmost Self to explore.

Chapters

• 0:00 Becoming Invisible in Your Own Life
• 3:15 My Kitchen Floor Breakdown
• 4:16 The Three Lies Women Tell Themselves
• 7:42 Small Changes Create Ripple Effects
• 11:31 It's Never Too Late
• 15:05 The Utmost Method and Next Steps

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

I have become a ghost in my own life, visible only when someone needed something. If you're waiting for the right time to start living for yourself, I need to tell you something that will transform the way you look at your life and yourself. If you're listening to this, chances are you found me, because something inside you is stirring. Maybe you feel like you're living someone else's life. Maybe you're wondering when you became the supporting character in your own story. Maybe you're sitting in your car right now stealing five minutes before you have to go back inside and be on for everyone else. Have you ever looked in the mirror, barely recognizing the woman staring back at you? That woman who used to have dreams, passions and a sense of purpose beyond taking care of everyone else. As moms, we often lose ourselves in the endless cycle of being everything to everyone. The overwhelming feeling of disconnection from who we truly are. The struggle to find balance, the deep longing to feel confident and worthy again. Hi, I'm Misty Chelly, welcome to your Utmost Life.

Speaker 1: 0:53

Each week, we have real, honest conversations about rediscovering yourself, building unshakable confidence and reconnecting with the joy that lights you up Through practical strategies and transformative insights. We'll explore what it means to move from feeling lost to living fully, because here's the truth you're not just someone's everything, you are someone, and it's time to embrace your utmost life. Today's episode is different. It's more personal. It's a letter to the woman who feels invisible. And if that's you, I see you. Not the version of you that everyone needs, not the perfect mom, the helpful wife, the woman who has it all together. I see the real you, the one who's been quietly disappearing, piece by piece, year after year, and I want you to know you are not alone in this, you are not broken and you are definitely not too late. I'd like to begin by sharing something I've never discussed publicly, something that might help you feel less alone and whatever you're going through right now.

Speaker 1: 1:48

It was a Tuesday morning in October, I remember, because I had just finished making lunches, signing permission slips and getting the kids to school, and as I sat at the light, I was looking at my calendar and I saw my birthday coming up. When I got back home, the house was quiet and I stood there in the kitchen the same kitchen where I'd stood so many times before and I had the strangest thought if I were to disappear right now, how long would it take anyone to notice I was gone. And then my mind went into this dark place. They could hire a housekeeper to clean, they could order an Uber when they needed a ride, they could have meals delivered, and all the things I did could be replaced by services. But when would they actually miss me? Not what I did for them, but who I was as a person. Not because they didn't love me they did.

Speaker 1: 2:32

But I realized I had become so defined by my function, so seamlessly woven into the background as the woman who makes everything work, that I wasn't even sure I existed as my own person anymore. I started crying right there, standing next to the sink as I jotted down the grocery list. Not the pretty kind of crying you see in movies, the ugly, gut-wrenching kind that comes from somewhere so deep you didn't even know it existed. And the worst part I felt guilty for crying, because what did I have to be sad about? I had a good life, a loving family, a roof over my head. Who was I to want more? But here's what I know now that I did not know then.

Speaker 1: 3:04

Wanting more isn't ungrateful, it's human, and feeling invisible isn't a character flaw. It's a signal that something needs to change. Now, if you've been feeling this too, like the world moves around you but never really includes you, it's not because you're selfish or dramatic. You're not having a midlife crisis. You're having an identity crisis, and I've been diving deep into research trying to understand why this happens to so many of us. What I found was fascinating and heartbreaking at the same time. There's actual research on this. A study published in the Journal of Women and Aging found that women, who primarily identify through caregiving roles, they experience what researchers call identity of foreclosure during midlife transitions, basically, when the kids become more independent. Women often feel a sense of disorientation because their entire sense of self was built around being needed. Think about that for a minute. We build our entire identity around being needed by others, and then we wonder why we feel lost when that need shifts or change.

Speaker 1: 4:06

Through my own journey and my research, I've discovered that when we feel invisible, we usually tell ourselves one of three lies, and these lies keep us stuck spinning our wheels, wondering why nothing ever changes. The first lie is this this is just how life is when you're a mom. No, absolutely not. This is how life is when you've lost touch with who you are outside of what you do for other people. Motherhood is beautiful and sacred, and hard, but it doesn't require you to disappear. I remember thinking that feeling invisible was just part of the package deal of being a good mom, like suffering in silence with some kind of badge of honor. But you know what I realized? My kids don't need a martyr. They need a mother who knows her own worth, who models what it looks like to value yourself, to show them that women are whole human beings, with dreams and opinions and needs that matter.

Speaker 1: 4:57

When I started reclaiming my own identity, my daughter, who was about 14 at the time, said something that stopped me in my tracks. She said, mom, you seem happier lately, like you're actually happy, not just pretending to be happy. At 14, she could tell the difference between the version of me that was performing happiness and the version that was actually living it. The second lie we tell ourselves is if I was just more grateful, I wouldn't feel this way. This makes me want to scream because it's so insidious. It's the lie that keeps us trapped in guilt, thinking that our feelings are somehow a reflection of our character rather than important information about our lives. If you are multitasking, I need you to come back to me because you need to hear this. You can be grateful for your blessings and want more for yourself. You can love your family deeply and feel frustrated that you've lost yourself. You can appreciate your life and recognize that something needs to change.

Speaker 1: 5:53

Gratitude isn't supposed to be a spiritual bypass that keeps you from addressing real problems. It's not supposed to be a way to shut down your own needs and desires. Real gratitude actually creates space for growth, not stagnation. I spent years thinking that if I could just be more thankful, more content, more accepting, then I wouldn't feel this restless ache in my chest. But gratitude without action is just another form of resignation, and you weren't put on this earth to resign yourself to anything.

Speaker 1: 6:24

The third lie and this is the big one it's I'm being selfish for wanting things for myself. This is the lie that keeps more women stuck than any other the belief that taking care of yourself is somehow taking away from everyone else. But here's what I want you to consider. What if the opposite's true? What if, by continuing to neglect yourself, by continuing to pour from an empty cup, you're actually giving everyone else the worst version of who you could be when I was running on empty, constantly exhausted, constantly resentful but trying to hide it. I wasn't showing up as my best self for anyone. I was actually just going through the motions but I wasn't really present. I was physically there but emotionally checked out. My husband got the tired, irritable version of me, my kids got the stressed, overwhelmed version and my friends got the surface level everything's fine version, because I didn't have the energy for anything deeper. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's sustainable. It's not a luxury, it's a responsibility, not just to yourself but to everyone who loves you and deserves the real you, not the depleted version you've been offering.

Speaker 1: 7:29

Now I want to tell you about the exact moment when everything started to change for me, because I think recognizing these moments, these small but profound shifts in perspective, can help you start to see your own path forward. I was reading a book one afternoon and I came across this question what would you do if you knew that you couldn't fail? Now, I heard versions of this question before, but for some reason, on that particular day it hit differently. Instead of immediately thinking about big, dramatic life changes, my mind went somewhere unexpected. I thought I would speak up during conversations instead of just nodding along. That was it. That was my answer Not I would start a business or I would travel the world, or any typical response.

Speaker 1: 8:11

I would speak up during conversations, and that's when I realized how small I had made myself, how much I had trained myself to take up little space as possible, even in my own thoughts and opinions. I started paying attention to how often I bit my tongue, how often I let moments pass where I could have contributed something meaningful to the conversation but chose silence instead. I noticed how I would start to say something and then stop myself thinking nobody really wants to hear what I have to say. But here's the thing about small changes that create ripple effects. When I started speaking up in conversations, I started remembering what I actually thought about things. When I started sharing my opinion, I started remembering that I had them. And when I started taking up space and conversations, I started taking up space in my own life. This brings me to the practice that has been transformative for me, and it's something you can start doing today.

Speaker 1: 9:01

It's simple, but it's not easy, and it's this start paying attention to your thoughts about yourself. I know that sounds basic, but hear me, most of the time we're so busy managing everyone else's needs and emotions that were completely disconnected from our own internal dialogue. We have no idea how cool we're being to ourselves on a daily basis. So for one week I want you to notice, without trying to change anything, how you talk to yourself. Notice the running commentary in your head. Notice what you tell yourself about your appearance, your choices, your worth, your dreams. Notice how quickly you dismiss your own ideas. Notice how often you call yourself stupid or selfish or dramatic, and notice how you minimize your accomplishments and magnify your mistakes. Just notice. Don't try to fix it or change it, just become aware of it.

Speaker 1: 9:49

Because here's what I discovered I was my own worst enemy. I was doing to myself what I would never dream of doing to another human being. I was constantly criticizing, constantly diminishing and constantly telling myself why I wasn't enough. And the voice in my head sounded suspiciously like voices from my past Teachers, parents, society Voices that had told me that good girls don't take up too much space, that women should be grateful for what they have and that wanting more is greedy. But those weren't my thoughts. They were just thoughts that I had inherited and never questioned.

Speaker 1: 10:25

Once I started paying attention to my internal dialogue, I started changing it. I could start asking is this thought helping me or hurting me? Is this thought even true? Whose voice is this really? And slowly, gradually, I started replacing the inherent thoughts with thoughts that were actually mine, thoughts that were kind, encouraging, supportive Thoughts that treated me like someone I love, because I was finally learning to love myself. Now I want to address something that I know many of you are thinking but what if it's too late? What if I've been invisible for so long that this is just who I am now? Oh, sweet friend, it's never too late, never.

Speaker 1: 11:04

I know that our culture tells us that women have expiration dates, that our best years are behind us and that we should be grateful for what we have instead of hoping for what could still be. But here's another lie designed to help keep us small. Here's what I have discovered through my own experience and watching other women. This restlessness isn't a problem to be fixed. It's information to be honored. It's your soul telling you that you're ready for more, that you've outgrown who you used to be and that it's time to step into who you're becoming. In other words, this period of questioning isn't a crisis. It's preparation for your next chapter. There is no timeline for becoming who you're meant to be. There's no deadline for reclaiming your life. There's no age limit on feeling seen, valued or alive. What if the best is yet to come? What if all the years you spent caring for others, developing your emotional intelligence, learning to put others' needs first? What if all of that was preparation for this next chapter, where you finally learn to include yourself in that equation? You're not starting over. You are building on everything you've learned, everything you've experienced and everything that you have survived. You're not too late. You are right on time.

Speaker 1: 12:13

I want to share something personal about why I'm here talking to you right now and why I've built my life around helping other women rediscover their worth and reclaim their identity. It's because I know what it's like to feel invisible, what it's like to question whether your life matters, and I know what it's like to wonder if this is all there is. I also know what it's like on the other side. I know what it feels like to remember who you are, what it feels like to take up space without apologizing for it, and I know what it feels like to be seen, really seen, starting with seeing yourself. I'm not here to fix you, because you're not broken I. I'm not here to fix you, because you're not broken. I'm not here to save you, because you don't need saving. I'm here to remind you of what you already know deep down that you are worthy of the same love, attention and care that you give to everyone else. I am here to be that voice that says what maybe no one else is saying your life matters, your dreams matter, you matter.

Speaker 1: 13:11

Through my research and my own experience, I've been developing what I call your utmost method. It's a framework for aligning your identity, beliefs and vision, not by adding more to your plate, but by remembering who you're always meant to be. It starts with identity work, really understanding who you are, beyond the roles that you play. Then we look at the beliefs that are either supporting or sabotaging your growth and finally we create a vision for what you actually want your life to look like. This isn't about escaping your responsibilities or abandoning your family. It's about including yourself in that equation. It's about recognizing that you can be a devoted mother, a loving wife and a caring friend, and a whole person with your own dreams and desires.

Speaker 1: 13:45

I want to leave you with a question, not because I expect you to have an answer right now, but because I want to plant a seed in your mind that will start growing over the next few days and weeks. Here's the question what would change in your life if you truly believed that you mattered as much as everyone? You take care of Not more than them, as much as them? What would change if you believed your dreams were as valid as theirs, your needs as important as theirs, your happiness as worthy of pursuit as theirs? What would change if you stopped waiting for permission to value your own life? I'm not asking you to become selfish or to stop caring about the people you love. I'm asking you to expand your circle of care to include yourself. I'm asking you to consider that maybe, just maybe, you deserve the same love and attention and consideration that you so freely give to everyone else.

Speaker 1: 14:33

So here's my invitation to you wherever you are in your journey, start small, start today. Start with something as simple as noticing how you talk to yourself. You don't have to blow up your life. You don't have to make dramatic changes. You just have to start paying attention to the woman who's been waiting patiently inside you, the one who's been hoping that someday you'll remember she exists. She's still there. She's been there all along. She's just been quiet for so long that maybe you've forgotten how to hear her voice, but she's there and she's ready when you are.

Speaker 1: 15:03

Before I go, I want to say one more thing. If you've made it this far, if you've listened to this entire episode, that tells me something important about you You're ready. You might not feel ready, you might feel scared or overwhelmed or uncertain, but the fact that you're here seeking something more, that means that part of you, the truest part of you, knows that you deserve better than that feeling invisible. Trust that part of yourself. She knows what she's talking about. And remember, you don't have to figure it all out at once. You don't have to have a perfect plan. You just have to have the next small step, because your story isn't over. In fact, I have a feeling that the best chapters are yet to be written.

Speaker 1: 15:41

If today's conversation has stirred something inside of you, if you're recognizing yourself in some of what I've shared, I want to make sure you have support for whatever comes next. I've created something called 10 signs. You're ready to create your next chapter, and it's a free, guided experience that will help you identify exactly where you are in this journey and what your next small step might be. Inside you'll find not just the 10 signs, but gentle reflections and a simple map to help you start reconnecting with who you are, beyond all the roles and expectations. You can grab it for free, at your utmost selfcom forward slash next chapter or just check the show notes.

Speaker 1: 16:16

If you found value in this conversation, would you consider sharing it with one other woman who might need to hear it?

Speaker 1: 16:21

Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is simply let another woman know she's not alone in feeling this way. And if you want to continue this conversation, come find me on social media. I read every message and I love hearing from women who are on this journey of reclaiming themselves, because here's what I know for sure when women wake up to their own worth when themselves, because here's what I know for sure when women wake up to their own worth, when they step out of invisibility and into their power, they don't just change their own life. They change their families, their communities, their world, and I believe that's exactly what the world needs right now. So thank you for being here, thank you for listening, thank you for being brave enough to consider that maybe, just maybe, you deserve more than feeling invisible Because you do you absolutely 100%. Do so until next time. Remember you matter, your voice matters and your story matters. Your next chapter is waiting, my friend, and I cannot wait to see what you create.