Your Utmost Life

Major Mom Mistake #5: Unfulfilled Autopilot Living

• Misty Celli • Episode 27

Share episode

Send us a text

The script that runs your day—“I’m fine”—might be the very thing keeping you stuck. We open with the familiar chaos, the apologies, the late-night scrolling, and then challenge the hidden beliefs that fuel it: that caring for yourself is selfish and that it’s too late to change. What follows is both honest and practical: research on parental burnout and child outcomes, a candid look at how overgiving teaches the wrong lessons at home, and clear ways to make self-care a strategic act that strengthens your family rather than stealing from it.

We go deeper on the “too late” myth with data, stories, and real-world examples—from career changes in the late 30s and 40s to creators and founders who didn’t bloom until 50, 60, or beyond. Misty shares why midlife is an edge, not a penalty: you know your values, you’ve built resilience, and your skills transfer. We talk about the surprising advantages mature workers bring, the energy that new learning brings to your relationships, and how modeling growth can transform your home from a place of management to a culture of mentorship.

If you’ve been living by default, this is your nudge toward intentional design. You’ll walk away with boundary scripts, small shifts that create momentum, and a fresh way to see your time and energy as resources to steward. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs the reminder, and leave a review to help others find the show. Ready to reclaim your identity beyond roles and start building the life you actually want? Join the priority list for our free three-day virtual event and take the first step today.

📲Empower a friend who needs to hear this, letting her know she’s not alone in her struggles - Share this episode today.

🔗 Get daily encouragement and behind-the-scenes heart-to-hearts: @yourutmostself

🎧 Never missed a conversation that powerfully reminds you of who you truly are - Subscribe to the podcast now.

✨ Continue your journey of self-discovery and empowerment with free resources, articles, and more - Visit Your Utmost Self to explore.

SPEAKER_00:

You've said I'm fine at least four times today and the day isn't even over yet. But the truth is you're not fine. You woke up at 5.30 this morning already feeling behind. You got everyone else ready, made the coffee, started the laundry, found the lost keys, and managed the morning chaos. And somewhere around 8 a.m. when someone asked how you're doing, you smiled and said, I'm fine. Again, at 9.30, when your husband called to ask you to do something for him, you said, no problem. Yes, I'm fine, just tired. At 10, when your mom called to see if you are still planning on coming by, and then asked if you were okay, you said, I'm fine, just busy and tired. And when your friend asked if you wanted to grab coffee next week to chat, you said, I'm fine, maybe another time. But here's what I know about you. Just this month alone, you've apologized at least six times a day for things that weren't your fault. You said yes to something you didn't have time for, you canceled or postponed something you needed for yourself, and tonight, after everyone's in bed, you'll scroll through your phone for like 45 minutes feeling numb, but not rested. And if I asked you right now, what do you want, you'd probably pause, breathe in, maybe even tear up a bit, and say, whatever makes everyone else happy. Because honestly, you don't even know anymore. I want you to know I see you. Not the version of you that you're presenting to everyone else. I see the you that's buried under all those roles, all of that doing, all of that giving. The you that's going through the motions every single day, wondering, is this all there is? Because here's the thing, you're not living, you're managing, you're not choosing, you're just doing what you're supposed to do. Day after day, same day, different day. Like you're stuck on a hamster wheel, checking boxes, just trying to get through it all. And deep down, there's this ache, this whisper that keeps saying, wasn't it supposed to be more fulfilling than this? Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and barely recognize the woman staring back? The woman who once dreamed big, burned with passion, and existed beyond everyone else's needs? Are you running unempty and secretly wondering, is this all there is? Hi, I'm Misty Celly, and this is Your Up Most Life, the podcast for those who are tired of just getting by and are ready to start thriving, but feel stuck figuring out how to get there. If you're feeling burnt out, disconnected, unfulfilled, or like there has to be more than this, you're in the right place. Here you'll connect with who you are beyond your rules, get clear on what you actually want, align your life with what truly matters, and become your utmost self so you can finally live a life of purpose and fulfillment, moving you from surviving by default to thriving with intention. We are talking about major mom mistake number five, unfulfilled autopilot living. And specifically, we're going to dismantle two beliefs that are keeping you trapped in this cycle. These beliefs work together to keep you invisible, exhausted, and stuck. And here's what you need to understand right from the start. The life that you're living by default is not the life you have to keep living. You get to design something different. You get to choose intentionally instead of just accepting passively. And no, I'm not talking about walking away or throwing away the life you have. And I'm not going to tell you to sage your house, align your chakras, and manifest your dream life through crystal healing. We're going to get real and we're going to get practical. So let's start with this first one. It's selfish to focus on my own needs. Oh my goodness. Can we talk about this for a minute? Because I know exactly what you're thinking right now. You are thinking, but Misty, my family needs me. My kids need me. I am their mom. That's my job. And listen, I get it. I have spent years making sure that my family had smiles on their faces, making sure that every aspect of their life was perfect. I gave and gave and gave to the point of absolute exhaustion, sacrificing my health, my marriage, and ironically, the very well-being of the people I was trying so hard to protect. I had zero intention of those things happening. None. I thought that I was being a good mom. I thought that I was doing what I was supposed to do. But here's what I didn't see because I was too busy doing to pause and observe. I was teaching my children all the wrong lessons. When I finally asked my kids for honest feedback, and thank goodness I've always created that space for honesty in our home, even when the truth hurts, they told me that my consistent doing, my constant hovering, fixing, managing made them feel incapable, not good enough. Like I didn't trust them to handle their own lives. They said I seemed like I didn't have time for them. Not really, because even when my body was there, my mind was somewhere else, already planning the next thing I needed to do for them. Can you believe that? Here I was sacrificing everything to give them a perfect life. And what I was actually teaching them was that love means erasing yourself, that being a woman means setting yourself aside, that relationships are about one person giving until they're empty while everyone else just takes. I was teaching my daughter what self-respect looks like, or rather, what it looks like to have none. I was teaching my son what to expect from women in relationships, and I was teaching both of them the dangerous side of love, the side where you lose yourself completely in the name of caring for others. And that's not love. And it doesn't serve anyone. Now here's where this gets really important because I'm not just sharing my story. There's actual research backing this up. And when I found this, it rocked my world. There was a study that looked at working parents and burnout. Y'all, 65% of working parents reported being burnt out. But here's the kicker: they found that parental burnout is specifically linked to greater risk of child maltreatment, neglect, and violence toward children. Not because these parents are bad parents or people, but because when you're depleted, when you're running unempty, you literally cannot show up as the parent you want to be. And I realized this was something I was doing. I wasn't always showing up as my best self. I was tired, I was worn out, I was a little resentful if I'm really honest. And sometimes I would be short with my family. Sometimes I would be frustrated and it didn't make sense why all of a sudden I just was irritated about something silly. And it was all because I was just burnt out, worn down, and just exhausted from giving and giving and giving and not taking a moment to breathe or take care of myself. There was another study that looked at how parental burnout affects children's behavior. What they found was that mothers experiencing burnout showed more hostility toward their children. And that hostility directly leads to kids having more behavioral problems, both acting out and internalizing their struggles. Here's what the research is telling us. When you're not okay, your children are not okay. When you're burnt out, exhausted, and depleted, you can't be the attentive, supportive parent that your child needs. You just can't. And this isn't about blame. It's just about truth, truth, and love. The airplane oxygen mask analogy isn't just a cute metaphor. It's backed by actual science. Study shows that children have lower rates of trauma and better outcomes when their parents are well. But you cannot be well if you're giving everything away. Let's be clear. I'm not saying that you are beating your child or not clothing them or feeding them or taking care of them. What I'm saying is I know in my heart that you are a mom who wants to show up and be the best mom, to love them with all of your heart, all of your being, and you want to do what's best for them. But what's best for them is not defeating every ounce of who you are. And you have to see that that is true in what you do. How many times do you lay awake at night thinking, oh my gosh, why did I say that? Why did I act that way? Why did I do that? That was not really the best version of me. And that is not the kind of mom that I wanted to be. I don't know why I seemed a little snippy at dinner. I don't know why I seemed frustrated by that. We are showing up that way and then beating ourselves up about it all because we are not taking time for ourselves. We are not refilling ourselves. Let's look at what happens when mothers do prioritize their own well-being. There's this concept in psychology called positive parenting, which is basically parenting that nurtures, empowers, and provides guidance while also maintaining boundaries. And here's what research found: positive parenting requires a parent who has the capacity to be present, patient, and emotionally available. You cannot be those things on an empty tank. When mothers practice self-care, and I'm talking real self-care, not just a five-minute bubble bath, their children benefit. Daughters see what's possible for their own futures. They learn that women are whole people with needs and dreams, not just support systems for everyone else. Sons learn what healthy female strength looks like. They learn that love doesn't require someone to disappear. Think about it this way. Would you want your daughter to live the way that you are living right now? Would you want her to wake up every day feeling behind, apologizing for existing, canceling her own appointments, scrolling her phone at night, feeling numb and wondering if this is all there is? No, of course not. So why are you teaching her that's what women do? Because like me, you didn't realize that's what you're doing. Here's the truth that's going to shift everything for you. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It is strategic. When you include yourself in your own life, when you honor your own needs, when you set boundaries and take time to reset and refill, you become a better mom. Not despite caring for yourself, but because you cared for yourself. Let me give you some examples of what I'm talking about because I think sometimes we don't even know what this looks like practically. It means saying no to hosting Thanksgiving this year because you need a break and teaching your children that it is okay to honor your limits. It means taking that Saturday morning to sleep in or to go to yoga class and showing your kids that everyone in the family deserves rest and restoration, not just them. It means pursuing that hobby you've been putting off, that course you want to take, that dream you've been ignoring, and demonstrating to your children that women don't stop growing, learning, and becoming just because they became a mom. It means having the hard conversation with your spouse about needing actual partnership, not just someone who helps you with your responsibilities. Because listen, here's what we have to remember. We are teachers, guides, protectors, lovers, and most lessons are taught by what our children see, not by what they hear. Your daughter is watching. She's watching how you treat yourself. She's watching whether you honor your own boundaries. She's watching to see if women get to be whole people or just support systems. And whatever you're showing her right now, that's what she'll believe is normal. That's what she will accept in her own life. Your son is watching too. He's learning what to expect from the women in his life. You're always available, always giving, always setting yourself aside. He will grow up thinking that's what women are supposed to do. That's what love looks like. And your spouse? Your words might say, I love you, but if your actions show I have no time for you, I'm too busy managing everything, my body is here, but my mind is elsewhere. That's the message that they're receiving. They don't care that you're thinking about tasks that will benefit them. They want connection. They want you. So, no, taking care of yourself isn't selfish. Ignoring yourself until you're depleted, bitter, and resentful, that's what's harmful to your family. If you are multitasking, I need you to come back to me and listen for a second because I want you to hear this. Intentionally designing your life to include yourself isn't indulgent. It's essential. It's the only way to live a life that's truly fulfilling instead of just surviving. Now, I can already hear you saying, okay, Misty, I hear you. But even if I wanted to make changes, even if I wanted to start prioritizing myself, isn't it too late? I'm 40 plus years old. I've been doing this for 15, 20 years. The time to make changes was when I was younger. And that, right there, those words right there is the second belief that we need to tackle. Because here's the deal the lie that you are too old to start something new, that belief is robbing you of the most powerful years of your life. And we are about to expose exactly why that's harmful. And if I can be frank, complete nonsense. So let me ask you something. When was the last time that you got excited about a possibility? A course, a career change, a business idea, a creative project, and then immediately talked yourself out of it. I'm too old for that. I should have done that 10 years ago. Everyone else started younger. I'm past my prime. What if I fail? I'm too old to recover from that. You know what's fascinating? We would never say those things to our friends. If your best friend came to you at 45 and said, I'm thinking about going back to school, you wouldn't say, Oh, honey, you are way too old for that. You'd be excited for her. But we say it to ourselves all the time. We've automated this belief so deeply that we don't even question it anymore. We accept it as truth. And here's what that belief is costing you: your dreams, your growth, your excitement about life, the opportunity to show your children that life doesn't end at 40, that women don't stop becoming, and that there's always another chapter. Can I tell you something? This whole can't start something new at this stage belief. That's so not true. And I'm living proof. I got my real estate license 20 years after I thought I should have. I climbed the ladder from receptionist to director of operations, not in my 20s, but as I was raising my family. I started a company. I launched this work, and you know what? The dreams I have for all of what I will do in the future continue to reveal themselves to me. And that makes me exciting to the people I love. Learning, growing, doing more, being more, it provides conversation. It provides growth and connection and inspiration and motivation. All the things that as moms, we desperately want to provide to our families. We provide those things by being women who are still becoming, not women who decided we are done. Because here's the truth: you who were is not who you are. And who you will be isn't who you are now. We are a living species. We are not stagnant. We're either growing or we're dying. There is no neutral ground. There was a survey done that found the average age of career changers is 39 years old. Not 25, not 30, not 39. Another study looked at baby boomers and found that they held an average of 11.7 jobs between the age of 18 and 48. That's not job hopping. That's evolution. That's growth. That's normal. People are living longer, healthier lives. So if you are 45 right now, you likely have 30 to 40 productive years ahead of you. Are you really going to spend all of them doing something that doesn't light you up just because you think you're too old to change? And here's something employers know that you might not. Mature workers are actually more attractive to employers, not less. They're experienced, they have stronger work ethic, they're organized, efficient, and confident. They tend to stay in positions longer because they're making intentional choices, not just changing the next to the next shiny thing. Your age isn't a liability, it's an asset. All that wisdom, all those skills, all that life experience, that's what makes you ready for this next thing, not unqualified for it. Do you remember the book Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder? She started her writing career at 65. She published her first book at 65 and wrote seven more after that. Julia Child didn't even start her cooking professionally until she was 50. Vera Wang entered fashion design at 40. There was a woman I read about who started a quantum computing company at 73. 73. She spent 40 years in nonprofits and then in her 70s decided to launch a tech company in one of the most cutting-edge fields in the world. Another woman who was two-pack a day smoker in her 50s, she quit, got into fitness, and by 57, she had climbed Mount Everest. Mount Everest at 57. You know what all these women have in common? They didn't let the lie of too late stop them. They understood that it isn't about the timeline, it's about the decision. And here's what's true. In five years, you are going to be five years older anyway. The question is, do you want to be five years older and still wishing you had started? Or do you want to be five years into something that lights you up? Here's what nobody is telling you about starting something new in your 40s and 50s. You are actually better equipped for it now than you ever were in your 20s. In your 20s, you're figuring out who you are. You're trying everything, you're learning through trial and error. But now, now you know yourself. You know what matters. You know what you're good at. You know what you don't want to waste time on. You have discernment, you have wisdom, you have a network, you have skills that transfer across industries, you have resilience because you've already weathered storms and come out on the other side. The wisdom that you bring, the new avenues and ideas that flow from that wisdom, it's vital. It's not something to dismiss, it is your superpower. And when you step into something new, when you start learning and growing and building, it makes you interesting. It gives you something to talk about at dinner that isn't just the kids' schedules. It gives you energy. It reminds you that you are still becoming. So here's where these two beliefs come together. And this is what I really want you to understand. Both of those beliefs, it's selfish and it's too late, they're keeping you in a life of passive acceptance instead of intentional design. You're accepting that your needs don't matter because you're a mom. You're accepting that your dreams are over because you're past some arbitrary age. You're accepting that this is just how life is: checking boxes, going through the motions, same day, different day, surviving until Friday. But listen to me, your worth doesn't allow for passive acceptance. You are not meant to just exist in the margins of everyone else's lives. You are not meant to live on autopilot, letting life happen to you instead of designing it for you. You are not meant to teach your children that women stop becoming, stop dreaming, stop mattering once they become mothers. That's not the legacy you want to live. That's not the life that you want to be living five years from now, 10 years from now. Intentional design means you decide, you choose, you say, this is what I want my life to look like. And then you build it piece by piece, choice by choice. It means including yourself in your own life, not as an afterthought, but as a priority. It means giving yourself permission to start something new, to learn, to grow, to become, not despite being in midlife, but because you are finally wise enough to do it well. It means modeling for your children what a fulfilled woman looks like. Someone who honors worth, who pursues her purpose, who lives intentionally instead of just surviving. This is what it means to be your utmost self. Not perfect, not superhuman, but intentional, awake, alive, becoming. You are not broken, you're buried. You're just buried under roles and expectations and beliefs that were never even yours to begin with. And it is time, it is time to design, it is time to live intentionally instead of just accepting whatever default life has handed you. So here is what I want you to do. If any of this resonated with you, if you're sitting there thinking, okay, Misty, I hear you, but how do I actually do this? I have something specific for you. I am hosting a brand new free, three-day virtual event called Reclaiming Who You Are Beyond Mom and Wife. Over these three days, we are going to excavate the dreams and purposes that have been buried under years of role-focused living. We're going to understand how your skills and experiences have actually prepared you for this next season, not disqualified you from it. We're going to design a vision for your life that honors who you've become while embracing who you are becoming. We're going to create a life for transitioning from manager to mentor in your family relationships. And we're going to build the foundation for becoming your utmost self in ways that enhance rather than compete with your roles. This is about including yourself in your own life. This is about moving from passive acceptance to intentional design. The priority notification list is open right now, and here's why you want to be on it. People on the priority list get first access. They get bonuses and information before everyone else. Plus, I'll be sending some pre-event resources to help you start preparing. You can get on the list at yourutmostself.com forward slash reclaim identity beyond motherhood priority list. I know it's long, so I'll put that link in the show notes. You can also find it pretty much everywhere on the website, yourutmostself.com. Listen, if you are tired of just going through the motions, if you're ready to stop living on autopilot, if you've done accepting the lie that your needs don't matter or that it's too late for you, this event is for you. Here's what I know about you. You're capable of so much more than survival. You're capable of designing a life that's fulfilling, purposeful, and completely aligned with who you truly are. But it requires you to stop believing the lies. It requires you to include yourself in your own life. It requires you to give yourself permission to become, to start, to choose intentionally. You're not too old, it's not selfish, and the life that you're living by default is not the life you have to keep living. Thank you for being here today. I'll see you in the next episode, and I hope on the priority notice list.