Your Utmost Life

Major Mom Mistake #6: Personal Growth vs Love of Family

• Misty Celli • Episode 28

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You've bought the planner. Read the books. Done the gratitude practice. And you're still... here. Still stuck. Still feeling broken.

What if I told you that you're not broken—you're just buried? And that voice telling you to "push through this season" is the same one that almost destroyed my life.

In this episode, we're dismantling three dangerous lies that keep you trapped:

  • That personal growth is about fixing what's wrong with you
  • That you just need to survive this season until things get easier
  • That your growth will disrupt your family

Here's the truth: Your family isn't disrupted by your growth. They're disrupted by your stagnation. Your resentment from staying small. Your depletion from constant giving. Your invisibility teaches your children that women don't matter.

I'll share the research that changed everything for me, the rock bottom moment that forced me to choose between pushing through or emerging through, and what actually happened when I stopped shrinking and started growing.

Because it's never too late to step into your worth and create a life that intentionally honors that worth. Not despite your family. Because of them. For them. With them.

In This Episode:

  • Why shame-based change never creates lasting transformation
  • The difference between pushing through seasons vs. emerging from them
  • Research on how your well-being directly impacts your family relationships
  • What your children are actually learning when you martyr yourself
  • The foundation you need before any growth strategy will work

Ready to stop just surviving? Join me for a 3-day virtual event, "Reclaiming Who You Are Beyond Mom and Wife." 

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SPEAKER_00:

You're scrolling through Instagram again. Another post about personal development. Another mom who transformed her life. Another chorus promising to help you become your best self. And you feel it. That familiar knot in your stomach. Part hope, part exhaustion, part shame. Because here's what you're thinking. What's wrong with me? I've tried the journal prompts, I've read the books, I've done the gratitude practice, and I am still here, still stuck, still broken. And then there's the other voice, the one that whispers, even if I could change, even if I could grow, my family wouldn't understand. They need me to be who I've always been. This is just a season anyway, and I just need to push through it. When things calm down, when the kids are older, and when life gets easier, then I will focus on me. So you close the app, you put down the ache, you tell yourself that you're fine, and you go back to going through the motions. I need you to hear me. You are not broken. You're buried. And that voice that's telling you to push through this season, it's the same voice that almost destroyed my life. Because here's the deal. I spent years believing that personal growth was about fixing everything that was wrong with me. I chased every solution, every strategy, every transformation that promised to make me better, worthy, and enough. And you know what? Nothing lasted. Because I was operating from the wrong foundation. And when I hit rock bottom, and y'all, I mean rock bottom, I realized something that changed everything. I wasn't supposed to push through that season. I was supposed to emerge from it. And that emergence, it didn't disrupt my family. It saved it. Do you ever find yourself going through the motions? Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and barely recognize the woman staring back? The woman who once dreamed big, burned with passion, and existed beyond everyone else's needs? Are you running unempty and secretly wondering, is this all there is? Hi, I'm Misty Chili and this is your Utmost Life, the podcast for those who are tired of just getting by and are ready to start thriving, but feel stuck figuring out how to get there. If you're feeling burnt out, disconnected, unfulfilled, or like there has to be more than this, you're in the right place. Here you will connect with who you are beyond your roles, get clear on what you actually want, align your life with what truly matters, and become your utmost self so you can finally live a life of purpose and fulfillment, moving you from surviving by default to thriving with intention. Today we are talking about major mom mistake number six, believing that personal growth is the opposition to your family's well-being. Because somewhere along the way, you started believing that taking care of yourself meant taking away from them, that growing meant disrupting, that changing meant losing what you have. And those beliefs, they're keeping you stuck in a cycle where you're convinced you're broken and need fixing, where you're just white-knuckling through another season, waiting for some day, and where you're terrified that if you actually pursued your own growth, your family would fall apart. But here's what I want you to know it is never too late to step into your worth and create a life that intentionally honors that worth. Not despite your family, but because of them, for them, with them. So let's talk about what growth actually is, what the seasons are really asking of you, and what happens when you finally give yourself permission to become another planner. This one was going to be different. This one had the perfect system. The time blocking, the habit tracker, the reflection prompts, this was finally going to get you organized. And for two weeks, maybe three, you used it religiously. You felt hopeful, like maybe this was the answer. And then life happened. You missed a day, then another, and suddenly that planner with all its promise is sitting in a drawer and you're back to where you started, feeling like a failure again. Or maybe it was the morning routine. Wake up at 5 a.m., journal, meditate, move your body. You are going to become that woman, the one who has it all together. Or the book that promised to transform your mindset, the course that was going to finally give you confidence, the program that was supposed to unlock your potential, and some of it helped for a little while, but nothing stuck. Nothing truly changed. And every time something doesn't work, you think the same thing. What's wrong with me? Why can't I make the stick? Why does everyone else seem to have it figured out? And I'm still broken. And that word right there, broken. That's the belief you've been caring without even realizing it. This idea that personal growth is about fixing what's wrong with you, that you're fundamentally flawed and you just need to find the right tool to repair yourself. The world has sold us on this narrative, and oh my goodness, has it sold us well? The self-help industry is worth over$13 billion. And you know what most of it is built on? The idea that you're not enough as you are. That there's something fundamentally wrong with you that needs correcting, that you're broken, and if you just buy this one thing, read this one book, follow this system, then you will be fixed. It's shamed-based change, masquerading is self-improvement. And here's what I need you to hear. That's not personal growth. That's not transformation. That's just a really expensive way to feel like a failure over and over again. So what is personal growth? Because it's not what we've been sold. For years, I believed that personal growth meant fixing myself. I did all the latest and greatest solutions, trying to be my best self. And there were moments, brief, shining moments, where I felt like maybe I was getting somewhere. But then something would happen, life would get hard, I'd fail again, and I'd be right back where I started, feeling broken, feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that I couldn't seem to fix. And then I hit rock bottom. And in that moment, sitting in the rubble of everything I thought I was supposed to be, I realized something. If I don't understand myself, who I actually am, not what I believe I should be or who I should be or how I should be, if I am unaware of my worth, I only ever get temporary benefits. This was the moment everything shifted. I realized that I needed a solid foundation. And that foundation wasn't fixing what was broken. It was understanding. It was waking up. It was stepping into who I actually was and making decisions that aligned with me in the life that I wanted. Personal growth isn't about fixing what's wrong with you. It's about enhancing who you already are, not correcting flaws, but expanding capacity. It's about living in harmony with your soul and your inner truth, not fighting against yourself, but finally aligning with yourself. It's about integrating all parts of yourself, your strengths, yes, but also your desires and even your fears, creating coherent self-awareness where nothing has to be hidden or cut away or fixed. It's about showing up fully, present, courageous, intentional, not performing or proving, but actually being. And here's what's beautiful about real growth. It's not a fixed destination you're trying to reach. It's not once I get there, I'll be done. It's a continual unfolding, a continuous emerging where you're stepping into more and more of who you really are, with a foundation that doesn't waver, but a becoming that never stops. Now, this just isn't my opinion or my experience. There's actual research backing this up. And when I learned about it, it was like someone turned on the lights. This researcher named Carol DeWick, who spent 20 years studying something she calls mindset, and here's what she found. The view you adopt for yourself, whether you believe your abilities are fixed or can be developed, profoundly affects the way you lead your life. It can determine whether you become the person you want to be and whether you accomplish the things you value. She identified two mindsets. The first is a fixed mindset. This is where you believe your abilities, your intelligence, your personality are static. They're just what they are. You can't really change them. So success becomes about proving that you're adequate, and failure becomes devastating because it means you're not. Sound familiar? I thought so. This is the I'm broken and need fixing mindset. This is the what's wrong with me spiral. This is why every setback feels like confirmation that you're just not enough. But then there's the other side. The growth mindset. This is the belief that your capacities are not fixed but can be developed over time, that challenges are opportunities, that failure is an evidence of inadequacy. It's a springboard for growth. And here's what the research shows. Students with a growth mindset consistently outperform students with a fixed mindset. When people learned that they could grow their brains, that they could develop their abilities, they did better. They achieved more. They lived with less stress and more success. And here's the kicker growth mindset isn't just about trying harder. It's not about positive thinking. It's about fundamentally believing that you are capable of becoming, not just stuck being. I want to share with you what happened when I stopped trying to fix myself and started actually growing, when I built that foundation of understanding and worth first. My family relationships improved. Not in spite of my growth, but because of it. My marriage improved because I wasn't a depleted, resentful version of myself anymore. My relationships with my kids improved because I wasn't hovering over them. I wasn't making them feel incapable because I needed to be needed. I became more alive. And y'all, my family loved it. It provided a vision for them and their lives. My daughter saw that women don't stop becoming when they become mothers. My son saw what a whole, fulfilled woman looks like, and that's what he'll expect from his future relationships. My husband got an actual partner back, not just a manager of household tasks. And there's the thing, I finally understood. It wasn't about being selfish. It was about including myself. And when I included myself, they naturally included me too. Because here's what I didn't realize for so long. It wasn't them removing me from our life together. It was me. Choice by choice, misguided understanding by choice, believing I was broken and needed fixing instead of understanding who I actually was and stepping into that with intention. When I shifted from fixing to becoming, everything changed. Not because I became perfect, but because I became present, whole, alive, and growing. That's the difference between shame-based change and love-based evolution. One shrinks you, the other expands you. I can already hear you saying, okay, Misty, that sounds beautiful, but I do not have time for all this becoming and growing. I'm just getting through each day one day at a time. I just need to push through the season and get to the other side. When the kids are in a place that they can take care of themselves, then I will focus on me. And that right there, that's the second lie. And it almost cost me everything. This is just a season of my life that I need to push through. Can you believe how many years we waste with this lie? I just need to survive until once the kids are older, when things calm down. This is just temporary. Every mom goes through this. I can tough it out. Those comments day after day. Here's what I need you to understand. When you say you're going to push through, what you're actually doing is pushing down yourself. Let me tell you about my rock bottom moment because it came directly from this belief that I just needed to push through. The marriage was strained, the house was chaos, my career was stalling, and every single day I told myself, just push through. This is just a season. I will get better. It will get better. But here's the thing about pushing through: you don't actually go anywhere. You just compress. You become compact. You make yourself smaller and smaller until you practically disappear. And in that season that I thought I was pushing through, I was actually heading toward a devastating end. The kind that I would have spent the rest of my life regretting because I wasn't addressing anything. I wasn't growing through it. I was just white-knuckling my way toward a finish line that kept moving further and further away. Here's what nobody tells you about seasons. They don't end, they transform. Either they transform into growth, into you emerging stronger, clearer, more aligned, or they transform into regret, into decades of resentment, disconnection, and that haunting question, is this really all there is? Because listen, that season you're in, that is your life. It's not separate from your life. It's not something you have to get through to start living. This right now, this is it. And every single difficult season you're facing is not an obstacle you have to survive. It's an invitation you get to accept, an invitation to grow, to merge, to become. We think we're supposed to just endure, just survive, just make it to the other side. But here's what research on growth mindset shows us the challenges, the difficults, the hard seasons, those are precisely where growth happens, not despite them, but because of them. When you avoid challenges, when you just push through them, you actually prevent your own development. You stay exactly who you were. You don't expand, you don't learn, you don't emerge. But when you engage with the difficulty, when you use it as fuel for transformation, that's when you become more than you were. We are living species. We are not stagnant. We're either growing or we're dying. And when we're just pushing through, you're choosing dying over growth. You're choosing to stay small, you're choosing to wait for some day. Let me share with you what happened when I stopped pushing through and started emerging. When I hit that rock bottom, I had a choice. I could keep pushing through, keep white knuckling, keep compressing myself, keep waiting for the season to pass, or I could engage with it. I could use it, I could let it transform me. And that's when I realized I needed a solid foundation, not a quick fix, not another strategy to push through, a foundation. And that foundation was understanding my worth. Once I had that foundation, once I understood who I actually was, not who I should be, not what I believed I needed to be to keep everyone else happy, that's when lasting change began. I wasn't fixing anymore. I was waking up, I was stepping into, I was making decisions that aligned with who I actually was and the life I actually wanted to live. And here's what's wild. When I did that, everything I was trying to hold together by pushing through, it actually got better. The relationships I was white knuckling to preserve, they deepened. The family I was exhausting myself to serve, they flourished. The life I was barely surviving, it became something I was actually living. So what's the difference between pushing through and emerging through? Let me paint you both pictures. Pushing through looks like this: gritting your teeth through another day. And I can just make it to Friday. Numbing out with wine, Netflix, scrolling, going through the motions, disconnecting from yourself and everyone around you, resentment building like compound interest, exhaustion as your default state, waiting for life to start later. And years pass, and you wake up one day and you don't recognize your life, you don't recognize yourself, and all you have is regret for all the time you spent just surviving. Emerging through looks like this: engaging with the challenges as opportunities to grow, using the difficulty as fuel for transformation, getting support, therapy, coaching, community, making intentional choices even when they're hard, connecting deeper with yourself through the struggle, using the season to become, not just to survive. And when you look back, the season wasn't something you lost. It was something that made you. It was the turning point. It was where you emerged into who you were always meant to be. Instead of pushing through, we need to emerge out. Now, here's where I know you are getting really uncomfortable because maybe you're thinking, okay, Misty, I hear you. I want to grow. I don't want to just push through. But my family, they won't understand. They need me to be who I've always been. If I change, if I start prioritizing my own growth, it's gonna disrupt everything. The time, the money, the attention I'd be taking away from them. How is that not selfish? How is that not going to hurt them? And that, that right there, is the third lie. And it might be the most dangerous one of all. Let's shed light on what this belief sounds like in your head. Sentences like, they'll think I'm selfish. What if they don't like the new me? I might outgrow them. They need me to stay the same. My growth threatens the family balance. And underneath all of that is this core belief that your growth is in opposition to your family's well-being. That you can either grow or have a happy family, but not both. Can I tell you something? This belief almost kept me in that rock bottom place. Because even when I knew I needed to change, even when I knew I was dying inside, I was terrified. I was terrified that if I actually grew, if I actually became the person I was meant to be, that my family wouldn't recognize me, that they wouldn't want me, that I'd lose them, that they would feel like they weren't enough. But here's what I discovered, and this is backed by actual research. Your growth doesn't disrupt your family. Your stagnation does. There has been extensive research on family dynamics and individual well-being. And here's what they found. Better family relationships are associated with reduced psychological distress. More life satisfaction, stronger resilience, better self-esteem, more optimism. The list goes on. But here's the key finding it's bi-directional. Quality relationships promote individual well-being, and individual well-being promotes quality relationships. It's not one or the other. They fuel each other. The research shows that when family members receive support, they feel a greater sense of self-worth. That's what you do for your children. That's what you do for your husband. They can do it for you. Did you know that enhanced self-esteem is a resource that encourages optimism, positive effect, and better mental health, which then gets poured back into the family relationships, which creates more support, which increases well-being? It's a beautiful cycle, but it only works if you're in the cycle, if you're including yourself, if you're actually growing. So what actually disrupts families? Mom's resentment for staying small, mom's depletion from constant giving, mom's invisibility teaching kids that women don't matter, mom's marta modeling unhealthy relationships, mom's stagnation showing that life ends at motherhood. That's what disrupts families, not your growth, your refusal to grow. Let me share what actually happened in my family when I stopped shrinking and started growing. When I finally stopped trying to fix myself and started understanding myself, when I built that foundation of worth and started making decisions aligned with who I actually was, do you know what happened? I realized it wasn't them removing me from our life together like I'd feared. It had been me removing myself, choice by choice, misguided understanding by misguided understanding, believing I had to stay small to keep them happy, believing I had to erase myself to prove my love. But when I started including myself, they included me too, naturally, easily, joyfully. My marriage improved because my husband got an actual partner back, not just someone managing the household with one foot out the door mentally. My kids' relationships with me improved because I wasn't hovering over them. I wasn't making every decision for them because I needed to be needed. I trusted them. I released them and they flourished. And here's what I didn't expect. I became more alive and they loved it. They loved having a mom who was actually present, not just going through the motions. They loved having a mom who had her own interests, her own growth, her own life because it showed them what was possible. It gave them permission, it provided a vision for their own lives. My daughter saw that women don't stop becoming when they become mothers. My son learned what to expect from future relationships, that women are whole people with dreams and worth. Because here's what you need to understand. You're teaching your children every single day, not through what you say, but through what you do. When you shrink, you teach them to shrink. When you martyr yourself, you teach them that love requires self-erasure. When you stay stuck, you teach them that change isn't possible. When you push your needs aside, you teach them that their needs don't matter. But when you grow, when you step into your worth, when you include yourself in your own life, you teach them that growth is lifelong. You teach them that transformation is possible. You teach them that women are whole people. You teach them that worth doesn't expire. Your growth doesn't take away from your family. It multiplies what you have to give them because you cannot pour from an empty cup, but you can overflow from a full one. So let's bring this all together because here's what connects all three of these lies. They're all rooted in one fundamental misunderstanding, and that's about your worth. Worth is the foundation to all things in our life, good or bad. We make choices, we accept circumstances, we stay stuck or we grow based on the value we see in ourselves. And here's how it works. Low self-worth leads to low self-esteem, which leads to choices, behaviors, and reactions that represent those internal beliefs. Let me give you a picture. Think about finding a random finger painting from a child you don't know. Scribbles, just an old project. You'd assess it as little value. You'd probably throw it away if you found it all on the ground, right? But a finger painting from your child, oh my goodness, that's a masterpiece. That's getting hung up, that's getting kept forever. You ooh and you ah over the tiny cute hand, the little feathers creating the turkey wings, you treasure it. It's the same type of art. But the assessed value is completely different. And right now, you are assessing your worth the way you'd assess that random child's painting. Low value, disposable, not worth investing in. Just push through, just fix what's broken. But if you saw your true worth, the way you see your child's art, everything would change. You'd see yourself as precious, worth protecting, worth investing in, worth growing, worth honoring. And here's how worth connects to everything we talked about today. When you believe growth is fixed, it's because you have low worth. You see yourself as broken. But when you step into true worth, you see I am whole and expanding. When you believe just push through, it's because you have low worth. Your needs and growth don't matter enough to prioritize. But when you step into true worth, you see my growth is valuable and worth engaging with. When you believe family won't understand, it's because you have low worth. Your growth isn't valuable enough to potentially cause discomfort. But when you step into true worth, you see my growth benefits everyone. I am worth the investment. Now, let me pause here for a second because I know that might be hard to hear. You might be sitting there feeling like I just called you out, like I just exposed something you weren't ready to look at. And I know some of that might have stung a little. And listen, that's not my intention. I'm not saying any of this to hurt you or make you feel worse about where you are. I'm saying it because I care about you. I've been exactly where you are. I've been in that exact place where I was treating myself like I had no value, where I was trying to fix what wasn't broken, where I was pushing through instead of emerging. And I know what it's like to realize that you've been operating from low worth. It's uncomfortable. It's confronting. But here's why I'm telling you this. I know what's possible on the other side of stepping into your worth. And I believe that you deserve to know. You deserve to understand why nothing has worked. You deserve to see that there's nothing wrong with you. There's just been something wrong with what you've been believing about yourself. And more than that, you deserve to know what changes when you step into your true worth. Because everything, and I mean everything, changes. So here's what I need you to know. It's never too late to step into your worth and create a life that intentionally honors that worth. Because you are worth it today in this season, in this moment, not tomorrow, not when the kids are older, not when things calm down. Now, because here's the truth. We've been dancing around this whole episode. You're not broken to grow. You're not stuck in a season, you just have to survive. And your family won't be disrupted by your becoming. They will be liberated by it. But you have to step into your worth first. You have to build that foundation. You have to stop believing the lies that you're broken and you just need to push through, that your growth is in opposition to everyone else's well-being. And if you're sitting there thinking, okay, Misty, I hear you. I want this, but I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to step into my worth. I don't know what that even looks like practically. I've got you. I am hosting a brand new free three-day virtual event called Reclaiming Who You Are Beyond Mom and Wife. Over these three days, we're going to excavate the dreams and purposes that have been buried. We're going to understand how your experiences have actually prepared you for this next season to design a vision for your life that honors both who you've been and who you're becoming. We're going to create a plan for your family relationships that include you in them. And we're going to build the foundation, the worth foundation for becoming your utmost self. The priority notification list is open right now. And here's why you want to be on it. People on the priority list get first access, they get bonuses and information before everyone else. Plus, I'll be sending some pre-event resources to help you start preparing. Get on that list at your upmost self.com forward slash reclaim identity beyond motherhood priority list. I know it's long, so I'll put that link in the show notes too. You can also find it pretty much everywhere on the website yourUpmostSelf.com. Listen, if you're tired of feeling broken, you're done pushing through, if you're ready to stop believing that your growth and your family's well-being are in opposition, this event is for you. You're not broken, you're buried under roles and expectations and beliefs that were never yours to begin with. And you're not stuck in a season, you just have to survive. You're standing at an invitation, an invitation to emerge, an invitation to become, an invitation to step into your worth and your family, they're not going to be disrupted by your growth. They're waiting for you to come back to life. They're waiting for you to include yourself, to see what's possible when mom stops just surviving and starts actually living. It's never too late. Your worth doesn't expire. And the foundation you built now, the understanding, the growth, the intentional design of your life, that's what changes everything for you, for them, for generations to come. What you two? You matter. So thank you for being here today. I will see you in the next episode and I hope on the priority notice list.