How Do Long-Term Relationships Survive? Tantra, Money Stress & Choosing Each Other After 19 Years with Ruby Coupe

How do long-term relationships survive financial stress, emotional triggers, and spiritual growth?

In this episode, Katische Haberfield interviews Ruby Coupe about rebuilding a 19-year relationship using tantra, conscious communication, and emotional responsibility.

They discuss:

• How tantra can rebuild intimacy in long-term relationships
• How to practice conscious communication instead of blame
• How financial stress affects relationships
• How to maintain independence within marriage
• How spiritual growth impacts partnership

This episode is for listeners interested in conscious relationships, tantra in marriage, emotional maturity, and long-term love.

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the Infinite Life Consciousness Raising Spiritual Transformation. I'm your host, Katische Haberfield. I know that this podcast will open your eyes to both the imaginable and the inexplicable. This podcast is not for beginners, but if you are on your spiritual awakening. Or if you have experienced many spiritual awakenings, you'll find content here to delight and to inspire. We cover everything from past life regression through to hypnotherapy sessions, exploring consciousness in forms such as Comet and in other dimensions. We speak to those in the afterlife. And also we rescue ghosts. We also speak to interesting and fascinating individuals, spiritual entrepreneurs and authors and poets as well. Thank you for joining me. I appreciate you supporting this indie podcast. Don't forget to follow us on Apple Podcasts and share with a friend. Thank you so much. Bless your heart. Bless your soul. Namaste.

Ruby Coupe: 1:20

Every day we've decided to choose each other. This is what's really important, and be grateful for each other because we remember how awful it was before. But it's really interesting you said that when we got given that car, it was just by a la she wasn't even my friend. It was just a lady that had come to some of my events around that time. But what people didn't know looking inwards was that we actually nearly split up. we went through a really terrible year. It was a really hard year and. We started practicing tantra and that was the same time that we got the car. And that has transformed our relationship again. It's almost, it is not almost, it is, we've totally madly fallen in love with each other again.

Katische Haberfield: 2:32

Welcome back to the Infinite Life Podcast with me your host, Katische Haberfield. We're in the season of love and this week it's my absolute privilege and honor to interview Ruby Coupe. She lives in the United Kingdom whilst I live in Australia. Welcome to the show, Ruby.

Ruby Coupe: 2:51

Ah, thanks for having me.

Katische Haberfield: 2:53

You're welcome. Ruby is an artist and a zine maker. She describes herself as a painter, a storyteller, and a full-time creative. So Ruby, can you encapsulate for people, the thirty second spiel about what you do before we get into love.

Ruby Coupe: 3:11

Yeah, totally. Everything that I do is around nature. I'm like crazy about nature and the seasons. So whether that's zine making, which are like mini magazines or creating art or making designs for people, whatever it is that I'm doing it, the, my love of nature is running through everything. If I bled, I'd bleed nature. I'm just, that. That's what it, is. So I design things for women in business. I create art for myself and for other people. So take commissions and I make zines, which are mini magazines and my business is changing, not from that, what I'm doing, but the style that I'm doing it. So my previous project was all about childhood wonder and things like that. And now I've moved into doing still life, nature, collage type things.

Katische Haberfield: 4:08

Beautiful. And I will link in the description, a hot link to Ruby's name so you can click and go straight to her website. Now, today I've decided to invite Ruby onto the podcast because what I love about Ruby also is that in the last few years, you and Tom have had a change in circumstances, and you got given, I think it was a car from a friend or a relative, and you've, you two have begun having adventures together. And I feel like at that point when you started being able to get out and have weekends away and explore, there was this kind of a transformation in your relationship, or I felt this, not that I haven't met. Your partner in real life, but I've, heard about him through your, social media and your YouTube, but I felt like there was this real spark of joy that was reunited between the two of you. So if you could give us a little bit of a insight into how you guys met how long you've been together, because we're talking about love, and love can come in all sorts of ways, but he's not your first romantic partner in this lifetime. And then maybe at some stage in there we can talk about how things have changed since the car and stuff like that. So I'll just hand over to you and then I'll ask you things along the way.

Ruby Coupe: 5:32

Lovely. Okay. That's brilliant. Yeah. So I had 52 boyfriend, not boyfriends before Tom. Tom was lucky, number 53. And I had a couple of long-term relationships, which were disastrous. And then I was on my own for two years. So I really started dating myself and thinking, what do I need? How can I love myself? And that was a deep, profound journey. And I do feel that's a really important part of Tom and i's relationship that I had that time on my own to figure out what do I like, what do I need, what don't I need? And then one day I painted this picture of this man. And he was playing guitar. And I was saying to my friend, I said, oh, I want him to look at the sky and say things like, look at the beautiful colors. And she was laughing her head off thinking I was crazy. And then I put the painting away, forgot about it. And at that time it is when the internet had just started, but I didn't have a computer at home and I'd met a guy from work and we was meant to go on this date. So I'd arranged at my friend, had the children, 'cause I've got three children. And so I had this free time all day and then I got ready for this date and he posted a letter through the door saying that he couldn't come on this date because he was schizophrenic and he didn't wanna ruin my life. And I was like, oh, great. What am I gonna do now for the day? So I went to the library on the computer and I totally forgot that years earlier like two, at least two years earlier.'cause I'd had this time on my own, I'd signed up to go date for free, which is like an online dating thing. And this guy had sent me this message and I read what he'd written and I thought, oh, he seems quite nice. And I was ready by this point to start. going out with someone again. So I messaged him back and you only got a certain amount of time on the computer. So then I shared my phone number and he shared his, and we was texting. We text for a week and then we met to go for a walk at the park. And my first impression of him when I saw him coming was, oh my gosh, he's so short. I'm five two. He isn't actually that short. He is I think he's five six, something like that. And, but to me he looked really short and I thought, oh no. I don't know why. I just thought, oh no. And then we had this amazing date at the park and I really felt like I wanted to touch his hand all the time. Like I just had that thing. And then after that we went to the pitchers and we were, I went to a football match with him 'cause he loves football. I don't, but I thought, I'll go anyway. And one of my children was really ill. It was like a disaster. Three months in, he moved in and that was 19 years ago. And he does say things like, look at the sky.'cause he is a photographer and he does play guitar and all the things that I've painted in this picture, he, does do. And we've never argued in the way of shouting at each other. We've never named called, if we, come up against conflict, we separate physically in the house we deal with, however that's coming up. And then we meet back again and we do a thing called effective communication, which I can talk about in a bit. But it's really interesting you said that when we got given that car, it was just by a la she wasn't even my friend. It was just a lady that had come to some of my events around that time. But people didn't, what people didn't know looking inwards was that we actually nearly split up. we went through a really terrible year. It was a really hard year and. We started practicing tantra and that was the same time that we got the car And that has transformed our relationship again. It's almost it is not almost, it is, we've totally madly fallen in love with each other again. So that came at the same time, but I've not been that verbal about that. So that's interesting how you could see looking in of that.

Katische Haberfield: 9:46

Yeah. Very interesting. And, I have heard you mentioned in one, a small bit in one of the videos about Tantra. What made you think that the solution was Tantra? How did you suddenly come upon that idea? Was it something that was recommended to you? Did it, I know you read a lot, did you read an article about it or did somebody else who was going through relationship difficulty say to you how about this?

Ruby Coupe: 10:16

Yeah, so I won't go into the personal details of around what was happening around our relationship. But I'd had this book for years. I've bought it years earlier and it was sitting on a bookshelf. And what happened was we was letting bed one night and I said to Tom, I'm done black. I'm just totally done. I'm not in this now. And Tom was really upset and I, but I'd got to the point where I'd just switched off. And I'd had this six month plan in my diary that I was gonna, we couldn't just separate because financially that's not possible. But I did think in six months time, I'll have saved up enough money for us to completely split. And Tom was crying, really crying, and. It's such a weird thing. You won't think it's weird, but Tom's dad had cancer. And before he'd gone into the hospice, I'd gone to their house and he'd held my hands and he said to me, he promised me that you'll look after him. You'll always look after him. And I said, of course, I'll always look after him. And then he went into the hospice and I never saw him again. And, he died. That was years ago. So I'm laid in bed, totally done. And then in the corner of my room, Tom's dad appeared and he said to me, you promised me that you'd look after him. And I was like, what? And I looked at Tom and it was like I saw him like a child almost this innocent, like being that was so deeply hurting. I just felt like I needed to comfort him. And it is almost like my heart had fully opened to this. And then. We were like, how are we gonna move forward? And I'd heard about Tantra, but nothing really much. And this book was on the bookshelf. And I said, look, why don't we look at that? And it was like something that I'd got and we'd forgot about. and it was from that. And it was brilliant because for 13 weeks you don't do anything. Like sexually or physically, apart from holding hands, and maybe holding each other, on the chest while you're breathing and stuff. But there was nothing. It wasn't, there wasn't a pressure on it. It wasn't a thing, so a lot of people think Tantra's just like sex. but there it was a deep connection and that helped us rebuild. So yeah, it was just a book.

Katische Haberfield: 12:45

Okay. Wow. Yeah, because, I know that lots of people do go away for weekends for tantra workshops. So in my mind I was like, did they go to a, workshop together? And these days you even see, sessions for couples where they just sit there and hug each other and let all the emotions come out. So that's fascinating that you, picked it up earlier and it was, sitting there, it, the bookshelf. And I think that, it's a really interesting insight that you said there, that you were able to see Tom a and his inner child basically hurting. Because I guess that's the problem when we do start to have difficulties in any sort of relationship, whether it's a friend or your mother or your father or your sister, your brother or, a romantic partner is you. It feels like your, tongue gets wild and you mortally wound them, so to speak, because you can't see them anymore the way that you saw them before. You just, you only see, feel and hear your anger and your thoughts and judgments about them. But it's like Tom's relative was able to bring that energy through to you. So I find that really really, amazing, really interesting insight.

Ruby Coupe: 14:07

Yeah, it was incredible. It, before my heart was completely shut, I was like, I've I'm that kind of person that I'll keep giving chances and I'm really kind and stuff, but when I'm done.

Katische Haberfield: 14:18

yeah,

Ruby Coupe: 14:19

no going back. That was just, yeah, what a moment that was just massive.

Katische Haberfield: 14:27

And do you still use the effective communication that you started to talk about where you separate yourselves and go into different rooms? Or how does that work? Explain that to me.

Ruby Coupe: 14:37

Yeah. So right in the beginning of our relationship, in the first couple of weeks actually I went to a party and got drunk, and then the next week Tom went out and got drunk and we both said, I don't like the other person when they're drunk. So from that minute we said, we're not drinking again. So we stopped alcohol straight away at the beginning. And I think because we've not had that alcohol through our relationship, you've got more of a level head to deal with things. And we also, I don't remember us sitting down and saying, we won't be mean to each other. We, I, don't remember that we had this conversation, but the respect was there from the beginning that I wouldn't say anything hurtful or he wouldn't say anything hurtful that can't be then. Retracted. Do you know what I mean? Because once you've said it, it's out there. So I just think we had this real respect for each other, and we also knew that in past relationships people had been horrible to us and we didn't want to bring that in. And then at some points early on in the relationship, I can't remember, a few years in we'd learned about this effective communication. so basically when you are upset or angry or sad or triggered by something, you don't blame the other person. So it, so I wouldn't say to him, you've done this to me and you've done that. I would go and reflect on it and think, why am I being triggered about whatever it is? What in my past has brought that back up? What am I feeling now? Where am I in my cycle as a woman? am I, am I just before I'm gonna bleed? Is that why I'm more emotional and upset? All of these things. And then. You have this rational conversation with yourself, and then if there's still an issue, you say to the other person, I've got this problem, please, can we sit and talk about it? I don't need you to fix me, I don't need you to respond or anything. I'm just gonna explain how I feel. And then you come at it from, I feel like I have been triggered. I, it's all about me, my things. You are not putting the blame on the other person. Obviously, if they've done something terrible, like if they cheated on you or I don't know, or, was violent or something, then that's different. But that's never happened in our relationship. so that would be different and I get that. But it's all about where you come from yourself and then you can say to the other person. I need you to work on this. for example, because I was in a vi violent relationship in the past, if Tom's in the kitchen cooking and he's banging the pots around, even after 19 years, I automatically think, oh, he is crossed with me. I automatically think that. So if Tom knows that, and he'll say to me, I'm not crossed with you. I'm just gonna do the washing up like he knows to. So that makes me go, ah, okay. So it is having that awareness of each other's things and being respectful about the those things. And it works brilliantly.

Katische Haberfield: 17:48

Yeah. Okay. and so a lot of people that wouldn't even get to that stage, how. Did you get to the point where Tom was aware that the banging of the sauce pins meant that you thought that he was angry? did you have to have some kind of a frank conversation? was that very early on? what, because a lot of people don't have the courage to be able to even associate that.

Ruby Coupe: 18:14

I think, no, the banging of the pen was recently, which is why it's in my mind. And I've not said anything for a long time. I just sit there thinking, oh, I know rationally he isn't angry at me. I know it. But in my mind, because of that trigger from that trauma I think it, and then recently I said to him, I've gotta tell you this. So some things have taken a long time, like other things have been really quick. if he does something or if I do something and that winds the other person up to the point where you feel angry, it's easy to say. Look, when you do whatever it is that really winds me up, and not in a fun way, but like in a really annoying way, and then you can both go, all right, I didn't realize that. And then not do it again. And I think the thing is, every day we've decided to choose each other. This is what's really important, and be grateful for each other because we remember how awful it was before. Like all the other relationships I've had, or when I was on my own, that lonely feeling when you are letting in bed and you've got nobody to cuddle, is it not worth putting the effort into your relationship and working on it to keep something really good? Then going back to that, that's always in your mind as well.

Ruby Coupe-1: 19:40

I think

Ruby Coupe: 19:41

it's being able to, if you are with somebody that you can't talk to, and I, understand this, I've got loads of friends in the same position. It's really hard, and I've been there before and I do feel then you need to do something to work on that together. And if one of you is not willing to do that, then really that's not your person.

Katische Haberfield: 20:04

Yeah, And I think

Ruby Coupe: 20:05

I'm lucky in that way. Sorry, go on.

Katische Haberfield: 20:07

no, you're right. Exactly. Because, and that statement that you made you choose each other every single day. It is it's a conscious effort to remind yourself that I choose you, I choose to be in this, relationship. So therefore I will do what I need to do to reflect. And when you do your reflecting, Ruby are you the kind of person who needs to go out in nature and think about it, or do you paint or journal it? a lot of people just sit there and they, stew, right? They might storm off into a room and stew. or they may eat. Or some people who drink alcohol might drink alcohol or whatever it is. How do you personally go through reflection? Because reflection in a relationship is different than your own self reflection or spiritual growth reflection or, artistic reflection because the relationship reflection is like really heightened emotions usually. So how do you actually do that process for yourself? How do you reflect?

Ruby Coupe: 21:15

Yeah, I think, I mean it. I don't want it to sound like, oh, we've got this perfect relationship. It takes work. But I think there's only ever been, there's only ever been twice where I've been in that heightened emotion. Okay. And Thomas was well at the same time.

Ruby Coupe-1: 21:33

And

Ruby Coupe: 21:33

that both times was when we were moving house. And it was both times it was so stressful and we were so angry at the, what was going on, not with each other, but what was going on. We got very short with each other and then but we did realize we're exhausted and all that stuff. So I'm very, we're very lucky in a way that if I'm an angry about something, Tom's pretty chill. Or if like he's really angry about something, I am really chill. So we've never had that. And I do think alcohol's the main cause of people having this anger at the same time. if they're not drinking. So because we've not got that, it's quite a balancing. and we both know to give each other that space. We're quite intuitive on saying, are you okay? Is some, what's, wrong and stuff. and we both know what, where we'll be like we'll have this phrase actually, and we go, yeah, but no. And then we know not to poke the other person and delve. Just let 'em get on with it. And my process is, sometimes it's quick, I can just go in off and I'll go, what's come up? And it'll go dah, And then it's in my head. But if it's a longer process, it's, I do journal on it. So I'll write everything out that I'm feeling and then, it's almost like the question comes up but why? But why? And then you write some more. Yeah. But why though? And then eventually you'll get back to whatever it is. That's was the process that I do.

Katische Haberfield: 23:12

Okay. Very interesting. And, have you two, there's lots of different ways that people can understand their partners. for example, some people follow things like the love, the five love languages or something like that is how did you get to know, for example, and you don't have to go into personal stories again here, but did you explore love languages as a way for exa understanding how you guys both needed to be shown affection, or were, was there other ways that, you discovered what Tom's emotional needs were?

Ruby Coupe: 23:53

I think because we're both massive readers and learners we have always delved into loads of different stuff. So love, language, human design, all the different things. And at one point Tom will be learning about something and then he'll tell me about it. And at another point I will. And that, and we have these conversations around it and, we ask questions, we're curious, we ask questions, And I think because we're both earth signs as well, it's very similar things. So that's easy, food, comfort, all that stuff. I think it's, it is learning, basically learning your. Yourself first, and then you can speak and say to the other person oh, I really like it when, for me, like I really like it if Tom cooks me food like on the weekend or something when he is not working, because that to me is like, love food is love on a plate. He doesn't really like cooking. He is very good at it, but he doesn't really like it. But it he, loves giving me a massage and I love receiving a massage. So we've just, it's like a dance. I think relationships are like this dance I might like something, but he doesn't want to do it because he doesn't like it. And then you've got to accept, Okay. So can I get that from somebody else in the way of maybe I'll go meet a girlfriend and eat out and then I'm still being cooked for, do you know what I mean? Or or whatever it is or To will want to go to a, heavy metal concert. And I, it's a bit loud for me now, so he'll go with his brothers and it's, it is that, dance all the time of, I, really need this and, you can't be the person to give it to me 'cause that's not what you like. And instead of forcing that person or making that person feel guilty for it, where else can I find it? I, can't remember what you actually first said, what your question was.

Katische Haberfield: 26:05

no. You've answered it because, you've also talked about love languages. Exactly. There then because Oh

Ruby Coupe: 26:13

yeah.

Katische Haberfield: 26:14

one of the things that the Love Languages book talks about is, once you know what your partner is, it's not about what you like, it's what they like. But what you've shown is that there's actually that understanding that your partner doesn't have to do that thing for you. That you like, you can get that from someone else. You don't have to store all of your love. I within the relationship. and I think that's a distinction that is, is worth pointing out because you you, you can, and maybe it's just my misinterpretation, but you can read that book and think, oh, I've gotta suck it up. they like massages. I don't like giving massages, but I have to give them a massage because that's their love language. So what you've shown me is, no, you don't have to. They can go and book a massage for goodness sake. Yeah. but you have to be emotionally mature enough to know they're not seeking something outside of the relationship. They're, it is just part of what they need and therefore there's nothing to be jealous of or worried about, or, you don't need to hold on or try to control that in any way, shape or form. So that, that's, interesting.

Ruby Coupe: 27:25

No one person can give you everything you need. It's

Katische Haberfield: 27:28

impossible. Yeah.

Ruby Coupe: 27:29

You just can't, you just can't do it. And I think that's the trouble, the expectations. So this is huge. In any relationship, expectations are a killer. I, think, because if you, for example, I'll, have the expectation right when Tom comes home tonight, we're gonna do this and this, is gonna happen. And then Tom comes home from work and he is tired. He maybe had a crappy day at work and all he wants to do is just go up to his office and maybe listen to music or something and, then I'm thinking, oh, he's not done that thing that I made up in my own head what he was gonna do. And then you are annoyed. So having no expectations of each other, I think that's a really key point as well.

Katische Haberfield: 28:20

Yeah. Ab absolutely. Absolutely. And, ha, getting back to the adventures in the cars, w what, cars, the car, w what have been some of the most memorable places that you've been to since you've been out and exploring, and, how has that changed, your definition of fun and enjoyment of each other's company?

Ruby Coupe: 28:43

Oh, so we both Modern Music and Tom found this country artist who, Steven Wilson Jr. Is called. And in his country songs, he was brought up a religious, so there's lots of references to the Bible, which I really, Tom knows I really liked. So he said, I'll listen to this guy and I'll listen to it. And I was like, oh, he's brilliant. And then we found out a couple of weeks later, he was on tour in England, but all the tickets had sold out. We couldn't get 'em anywhere. And then Tom went on this site, which lets you know about tickets that have come up, if somebody tries to resell 'em or something. But every time it came up, as soon as you went on it, they were gone. There was like, no tickets. So this particular night, we have a date night on a Wednesday, we'd gone to the beach and it, was a lovely, we was, it was lovely. And Tom kept saying, wanna sit down a bit? Do you wanna sit down? And I was like, no, let's do this. No, let's do this. And I kept thinking, is it, why does he wanting to sit down? He don't normally wanna sit down. Anyway, then we watched the sunset together and went and got in the car and he went, look at my phone. And I looked at his phone and it said something like Steven Wilson Jr. Two tickets or something. And I won't repeat what I said. It was swearing. And then I looked at it again and I went, no way. You got tickets. And he said, I did, to Glasgow, which is in Scotland, which is like up the country. So we went in the car to Glasgow and we were gonna sleep in the car'cause we didn't have any money for a hotel. But this lady I'd worked with seven years earlier, bless her, said we could go and stay at her house for the night. So if we didn't have the car, it'd been. Really hard 'cause we wouldn't have probably been able to afford the train fair.'cause it's a long way. So we went to see this concert together. It was amazing. We were right at the front. He was brilliant. We just it just felt Love. Like it was just, and we had a great day in the botanical gardens and all around Glasgow. It's like the best adventure that we've had so far. And all the way there we were playing his music and all the way back we were playing the music in the car. And I've got, sensory processing disorders, which means I'm really affected by smells and lights and all that kind of stuff. So going on public transport is hideous for me 'cause people stink a perfume and after shave. And so being in the car you just in your own little bubble. Oh, amazing. It was that good. I actually wanted to move to Glasgow. I was like, I love it there. It's so good. Yeah. And it just lets us go to places so that you can't get to on public transport. Yeah,

Katische Haberfield: 31:34

And speaking of that, one of, one of the things that, does really hurts relationships. And is the cause of most relationships breaking up is financial situations. So how have you two, without going into specific details, but how have you navigated? Because you're, not everybody is going through financial difficulties at the moment. It feels like globally. Things have just changed for everybody. But, how have you two managed to navigate, different situations? Like for example, you started your, you finally got that allotment plot and you had, didn't have the money to start buying all the bits and pieces and you got seeds sent to you from people who watch your YouTube and everything like that. Now, in some relationships that's could be seen as, oh, here she goes again with a new hobby or thing that she wants to do or do you know what I mean? And we don't have the money for it and here's the stress and why does she always do this to me? Or you can say, or he does this. Do you know the same thing? Why does he need a new lens for his camera, or why does he how do you guys navigate all the ups and downs that you've experienced with money?

Ruby Coupe: 32:54

I think it's not important to us. I think that's the thing. It's obviously, it's important in the way that we need it. And yes, I'm open to all the money. You please, but it is not a priority. It's not a priority, It's like I know that if Tom needs something for whatever he is doing, then he needs it. If I need something for whatever I'm doing, then I, need it. We've never, had an issue with that. Now, if we were really, I responsible and for example, we, couldn't pay the rent, but then I went out and bought a load of art equipment. I could imagine there'd be conflict there. But I think we both trust each other to be responsible enough to. Take part in whatever we need to do. So our money's split. We've never had a joint bank account. my money goes into my bank, Tom's money goes into his bank. He pays some of the bills. I pay some of the bills. If one month e short for something, he'll say, have you got 20 quid? And I'll be like, yeah, and I'll send it, or the other way around. It, but it's never been an issue. It's never been a problem. I think it's made us sad in a lot of ways, but we generally, again, one of us is really sad and the other's, all So you can comfort the other one and be like it's hard now, but it'll be fine again. come on, we've got a nice house to live in. We've got food. We're fine. what really? What do you need? yeah, I just think it's just not been that important in that way. And again, it's about choosing what's important and what's important is your health each other and you can do loads of stuff for free. Tons of things.

Katische Haberfield: 34:47

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. my, my guides are always telling me to look at the situation in terms of maximizing what you can do with what you've got and focusing on all the things that come your way that don't cost a single cent like I can be sitting on the couch on the weekend and having a cup of tea and watching you, for example. And they're like, so did that cost you anything? And I'm like no electricity, no. Ruby invested to give you some, lighthearted entertainment and insight into creativity for half an hour to an hour. But you didn't have to shell out anything in your hands right there and then, like I, I could donate to you or whatever it is, but it's that's a blessing that didn't necessarily cost you anything. And that Ruby's got monetized, so there's going to be potentially some benefit for her anyway. because often I'll sit there and I'll, get stressed and I'm like, I hit the like button. I've written a comment, and today I would, like to give everybody a million dollars for their YouTube video, but I can't. And, Zach Kale and Michael say you can't, you just have to send them love and gratitude for. Making you in a buoyant mood for half an hour for giving you inspiration, and did you need money for that? No, not today. And, when you do have money and it's spare, then you can donate, but you don't have to add that layer of guilt onto something that's there. and I think that's a really good lesson is that, we can look around at ourselves and say, I don't have this, I don't have that. but then they always keep reminding me, what do you have? and then you're like, oh plenty, of things, right? And they're like, count your blessing. So your gratitude for what you've got. And like I saw that you, posted a picture of a leaf that Tom brought you in today or yesterday.

Ruby Coupe-1: 36:58

Yeah.

Katische Haberfield: 36:58

And it's the small things that spark joy in relationships. But, it's an interesting comment that you made about the fact that you keep separate bank accounts because is that something that you did in previous relationships? So in previous relationships, was money an issue? Yes. In a negative way? Yeah.

Ruby Coupe: 37:19

Yeah. So the kid's dad he, I didn't work 'cause I was looking after the kids and he did, and he had all the money. if I wanted to buy anything like a loaf of bread, he would give me a pound. I can't remember how much bread was back then, probably not very much. And then as soon as I walked back in, he'd be like that with his hand for the change. Like it was a real controlling issue. And we have, Tom and I have talked about should we get a joint bank account? And then we was like, what's the point? What's the point? Do you know what I mean? There's no point to it really. but I think we talked recently about getting a joint bank account to put all the bill money in to make it easier, but we've just not, we've just not done it. But yeah, I've always had a, my own bank account and since then, since splitting up with a kid's dad and that was like when I was 22, 23 or something. I've, yeah, I've just always had my own money. But we never consciously said, oh, should we have a, our own bank account? Should we get our, it was only like, probably three months ago, so that we talked about a joint bank account after 19 years.

Katische Haberfield: 38:37

Yeah. That's really fascinating. And, is there anything else that you would like to comment about lessons that you've learned or insights that you've got from people that you've found inspirational? With relationships, for example? anything that comes to mind.

Ruby Coupe: 38:57

Yeah, so I, I talked to Tom 'cause he is at work today and he, so he, couldn't be in, I said to him the other day, I said, what tips have you got? what do you think? So we was having this conversation backwards and forwards and we, both pretty much had the same things. Choosing each other, effective communication, being responsible for yourself. So knowing as a woman, for me, knowing that this is where I am in my cycle, so I'm, gonna be sad or I'm gonna be horny, or I'm gonna be whatever. And communicating that to my partner and him knowing where I am in my cycle as well. That's really helpful. Working your life around that planning your life around that if you can, is really helpful. Having independent hobbies. Doing things together, but also having plenty of stuff to do yourself. Not putting everything into this one relationship, even though it's like really important, still having your own friends and going off and doing things because that gives you something to talk about if you're just together all the time doing the same things. What have you got to talk about? Always being curious and learning about things. So again, you've got things to bring to, relationship. Some of the stuff Tom's interested in, I couldn't care less. Some of the stuff I'm interested in, he couldn't care less, but we'll still listen to each other. And being able to have deep discussions about things, not just this surface level. I feel a lot of relationships are very surface level. What we gonna eat for tea? oh, you've gotta take the kids to football tonight. Or, this kind of does none of that deeper connection stuff. Like in the beginning when you meet, you want to know everything about the other person. You ask questions, you're curious, you are interested. and still now, even after all these years, we're still learning things about each other. and asking questions. And I think that's a really key thing. Having a good sex life or a physical, intimate life together. I think that is really important. And not using that as a weapon. I know that many women especially use withholding sex as like a, A weapon in a relationship that just causes resentment and anger and and all that kinda stuff. And if you're not comfortable in your sex life, having, being able to have that conversation with the other person and saying this is how I feel. Or can we do more of this? Or, and the other important thing is all the way through, and this might be just 'cause I'm bonkers, but I've always surprised Tom in different ways. And it could be anything from once he was working shifts, so he didn't finish up midnight and I'd set up the back garden. I'd bought a massive paddling pool that filled the whole back garden and hung, fairy lights and sheets and everything over it to make a dent. and I was waiting for him. it was like midnight and I was waiting for him in by the pool. And he was like, what the, and I was like, no, we're not going to bed. We're gonna get in the pool. It was hideous because all these spiders had collected on the fabric. So as soon as we got in the water, 'cause of the heat, I'm guessing, and the splashing, all these spiders falling, oh, it was horrible. So we just run in. that's like a core memory of something. Or like every Friday night before he comes in the door, I might dress up as something silly or I've got instruments and I'll do a little song when he comes in. it's ready. and it's just silly things to keep it fun and exciting instead of just being like, you are home now. that's boring. Life should be fun and exciting. And lastly, understanding your levels of tiredness. My kids are all grown up now. But I know that when they were younger at tea time is the worst time of the day because the kids are hungry. The dog wants his dinner, and your partner's just come home from work. They're tired. They've had a, a day at work with people that probably they don't like very much. You are both at this heightened state of tiredness, and then that's when you can clash. So it, it's nice to say, what can I do for you in this time to help you, how can I help you? And understand that just because of all this going on doesn't mean that I'm angry at this person. It's not that person's fault that all this is going on. So don't be like, resentful and stuff and know your triggers. If I'm hungry, I'm really ratty so know that actually if I've, if I eat something, I'm gonna be nicer. And then the other thing, we have lots of little time, so it's things like, I really like being read to. So sometimes tumble took me into bed and reading me a little story. And I really like that. And it's like giving away that responsibility of being an adult.'cause you are adult all the time. or Tom likes it when I do the silly things like I was saying before, little, but I'll put on a little show or something, and we just laugh and it's, not taking yourself so seriously, being a grownup's so serious. And then you get in a relationship you think, oh, I've got to be all serious now and proper, but. Having that magical spark to your days and having that childlike fun and curiosity, I think that's what keeps it alive.

Katische Haberfield: 45:10

Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful. I like the idea of being read too. That's really nice. And you cracked me up because I've been watching some reels, that are come into my Facebook feed and they were of people doing exactly what you said, like a wife dressing up each time her husband came home and I was just like, Ruby's like my newsfeed at the moment.

Ruby Coupe: 45:34

It's fun.

Katische Haberfield: 45:35

And, to just, to end the episode, I know you've been going on a, new spiritual journey with Jesus and has that involved Tom as well or do you have, different belief systems and has that, how has that impacted your relationship? Has it increased it? Have you felt new feelings towards each other? Because Jesus is a pretty strong energy and it's a heart opening energy when I experience it, but it can be something that can send people opposite ways as well. So I was just curious how that's been impacting your relationship while we're on the topic of love.

Ruby Coupe: 46:11

Yeah. It's been really interesting actually.'cause we both have different, I was brought up, Christian Thomas was brought up Catholic. We both rejected it when we were teenagers. And so rejected religion. That's what we've rejected. And then I had this experience. I didn't want it. I didn't, I wasn't actually ready for it and I didn't want it. But Jesus has ended up in my life in a huge way, and it's been weird and amazing. I felt a bit like, oh no, this is gonna really ruin our relationship because Tommy's totally against anything like that. But actually again, we've approached it with curiosity. We've approached it with communicating well. So I said, I don't want you to feel weird about this or like that. I'm gonna run off and stuff. there's, always been that chance that I'd run off with a cult all my life, but it's never happened. so it doesn't surprise him that it there's a new thing. But it has been really good. We've had some really deep conversations around it, about what does it mean how does that work? And he's not in it. But we have read the Bible together and discussed what we think it means. I've started going to church the past few weeks which I never thought I'd go to church, but I found a really good uplifting church and I love it. And he just thinks it's hilarious that I'm going to church. And we've just, keeping talking about it, I think just keeping talking. And he said the other day,'cause I'd gone to church in the morning and then there was a church thing at night, but people were being baptized. It was amazing. It was like this rock concert. I loved it. And as I was going, he went, oh, he says, I'm losing you to the church. He said twice in the day. And I said, listen to me. I said, if you are fed and we're still having sex, you are all right, aren't you? And he was like, oh, alright then. it's like just communicating about it. Tom's very quiet and very, introvert, he'd call himself. Where I, am, I'm a little bit of both. I can be extroverted, but I am, I do need my quiet time as well. And I understand that for him, going to church and singing and praising and dancing would be a nightmare for him, even if he believed it would be a nightmare for him. So again, not forcing my own things onto him and accepting him who he is, and then if eventually he comes and starts believing in Jesus happy days. And if he doesn't, he, doesn't so I think it's just that communication really.

Katische Haberfield: 49:09

And, it makes sense because what you talked about. Earlier when we were talking is that, you have to make space for things in your life that you do separately. but yeah, naturally there is that fear. Oh, is Ruby gonna change because she's gone down that path. But, what you're doing is reassuring him, I'm still Ruby and I still love you, but I just, I have to do this for myself.

Ruby Coupe: 49:33

and, I have changed. And actually he thinks it's for the better. Like I'm much calmer, I'm much more peaceful, my mind's quiet. Like it's incredible the, difference in me. And he said, actually it's been brilliant, because it's been a good change. He's seen a good change. So it can only be a good thing, can't it? Yeah.

Katische Haberfield: 49:56

Beautiful. That's been an hour, Ruby, so I wanted to Oh,

Ruby Coupe: 50:01

wow.

Katische Haberfield: 50:04

I wanted to thank you and honor you for your time today.'cause I know you've got, a business to run and it's a, normal day of the week for you. I'm heading into the weekend, so I wish you and Tom a beautiful weekend and thank you so much for your time. Thank you for enlightening me about how a successful relationship works and how you two have made it work together, and for sharing the little tips and insights into what you've done. And, we send love to all other listeners and watches out there and hope that, love blesses them in their life as well. Namaste. Thank you Ruby.

Ruby Coupe: 50:40

Ah, thank you for having me. It's been wonderful.

Katische Haberfield: 50:42

Thank you.