Episode 114 - Why Your ‘Three Things You’re Grateful For’ Practice Isn’t Working (and How to Fix It)

We unpack why the “three gratitudes” practice helps, where it fails, and how to make it land in your body. We share science-backed perks, real pitfalls like buts and comparisons, and simple steps to feel and share genuine thanks without forcing it.

• habit stacking for a simple daily cue
• research on attention and mood benefits
• pitfalls of buts, comparisons and perfection hunting
• valuing small, specific moments over big events
• three steps: vary items, connect the why, feel it
• bonus: express thanks directly to people
• weekly reflection to spot joy patterns
• rituals and prompts to reduce friction
• nervous system support when stuck
• start small with one true gratitude


Related Episodes

Episode 94 - Moments of More: How to Amplify Positivity in Your Daily Life for Greater Fulfillment

Episode 100 - Finding Joy in Everyday Moments: Letting Go of Perfection and Chasing Big Milestones

Episode 113 -  Why We Get Stuck — And How to Use Affirmations to Set Yourself Free

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Chapters

• 0:00 Rethinking The Three Gratitudes
• 0:28 Why This Practice Works
• 2:50 Challenges with this Practice
• 6:14 How To Do It Effectively
• 9:44 If You Can’t Find Three
• 12:14 Key Takeaways And Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:05

You've probably heard it a thousand times. Write down three things you're grateful for every day, and your life will change. But if you've ever tried it and felt stuck, frustrated, or like it just doesn't work, you're not alone. Today we are diving into this so commonly referenced practice. The perks, the pitfalls, and the secrets to making it truly work for you. Welcome to Roots of the Rise with me, Sarah Hope, where spiritual wisdom meets practical tools in short, bite-sized episodes. These are tasters, not deep dives, meant to spark curiosity, help you root deeply, rise freely, and remember who you truly are. It's Gratitude Month, and today I want to talk about the classic write three things you're grateful for every day, practice. We hear about this one all the time. It's basically the go-to answer whenever someone asks, What's a good gratitude practice? And yes, it definitely has some perks. First, it doesn't take much time. Second, it's easy to fit into your day-to-day life. I mean, one way to make a habit stick is called habit stacking. Thank you, James Clear, which means attaching a new habit to something you already do. So if you brush your teeth every night, as you should, maybe you jot down your three gratitudes while brushing. So easy to fit in. And third, it's powerful. When we repeatedly redirect our attention away from what's missing or threatening or what we don't like about our lives toward noticing positives, the good things, research shows it reliably boosts well-being and reduces anxiety and depression symptoms. Over time, these small, consistent shifts even change baseline reward signaling in the brain, nudging dopamine and serotonin pathways toward noticing more good in life. And if you want the science behind all of that, I will link Andrew Huberman, Dr. Andrew Huberman's podcast that goes deep into the actual science of all of this. And here's the cool thing: the more consistently you practice and you cultivate gratitude in your life, the more your brain starts to look for those good things. You start to know, oh, at the end of today, I'm gonna have to list out three things, so I better start looking for them throughout my day. And you do that. You know you'll be writing them down later. So your mind naturally begins to be more inclined to notice the little moments of gratitude as they happen, which eventually makes the practice feel almost effortless when it's time to jot them down. So that's kind of the good news, right? But there are some pitfalls. In the last episode, we talked about how we can get stuck, how we can get kind of programmed to be in one place, to have a certain mindset. And the longer we've had that mindset, the more difficult it is to change it. So if you are in the depths of despair, if you are deeply struggling, if you have spent years and years programming your brain to see the negative things in your life, and then someone comes along and says, list three things you're grateful for, you might not be able to think of one thing, let alone three. Even if you can think of three things, there's often a but attached. Say you're lonely and you try to focus on being grateful for the people in your life. You might think, I'm grateful for my son, but you know, he really doesn't call as much as I wish he would. Or maybe you're emphasizing abundance. I'm grateful I could pay my bills today, but I really don't know how I'm gonna manage next month. Those buts counteract the positive rewiring. The gratitude doesn't stick. You don't feel more grateful. In fact, you might feel more defeated. I can't even do this simple practice. I'm failing, I'm ungrateful. And that can spiral. A similar trap is comparison. One of the quickest ways to steal joy from a gratitude practice. You might think, I'm so glad I got a new car today, though it isn't as nice as so-and-so's. Or I'm glad I got to go to the hockey game tonight, though I was stuck in those nosebleed seats. I wish I'd been closer to the action. Just like the butt issue, these comparisons take you out of the moment. They undercut the positive rewiring. Gratitude only works when it's genuine and untangled from judgment. Another common pitfall is waiting for something big or profound to feel grateful for. I did an episode on this a while back where I shared a letter my mother wrote on the eve of her 30th birthday. In it, she said, I must stop looking so intensely for the perfect moments that I feel will bring happiness, and I must let the everyday warm, pleasant, close moments impart their joy on my life. To do this, I've got to notice life more. If I stop planning what events must occur in order to create a state of happiness, perhaps I'll be free to notice the dozens of spontaneous, beautiful moments that flit in and out of my daily life. I don't notice them now because I'm always waiting for that big moment. She's pointing out that the small things are where life actually lives. When we wait for something monumental to feel grateful for, we can very easily overlook the everyday moments. The coffee that smells amazing in the morning, the warmth of sunlight on your skin, a kind word from a friend. These small moments accumulate, and if we skip them, we miss the gentle, constant flow of gratitude that's already available to us in our daily life, if only we were just looking for it. So, how do we do this practice effectively? First, you want to pick three different things every single day. This practice is about stretching yourself to really notice the good in your life. For example, I'm grateful for my husband every day, but I can also make it different almost every time. One day it might be, I'm grateful he took out the trash today. The next, I'm grateful he put the dishes away. Or I'm grateful he took the time to come down and give me a really good hug in the middle of our work day. The goal is to expand your awareness, to notice even the smallest things and how they can amplify the joy in your life, vary the scope, include a mix of small everyday gratitudes and bigger life events or achievements. This gives depth and it prevents the practice from feeling trivial. So it's not that you want to ignore those big moments, it's that you don't want to be always waiting for them. The second step, what people often miss, is connecting with the why. Why are you grateful for this thing? How did it enhance your life? What about it is special? Even more commonly, people miss the third step, which is feel it. Make it a moment of more, like I describe in episode 94. Allow yourself to truly experience the gratitude. Notice where in your body you feel it, how does it feel? Even what you see, hear, or smell that connects to it. Using multiple senses makes the experience richer. Can you make it even bigger? Let yourself really sink into it. And a bonus step: if you're grateful for someone, tell them. Last night I randomly got a text from one of my dearest friends that simply said, I just wanted to say I love you and think you're amazing. I mean, what a lift for me. What a gift to have a random, unexpected gesture of love. I mean, to receive that completely out of the blue. It felt amazing. And you know what? You can give that same gift to someone else. We've talked about how important it is to receive gratitude. Well, your job in that, you know, exchange is to be the one who is offering the gratitude. So if you realize one of the things you're grateful for on any given day is, you know, a certain person in your life, well, then say that to them. Shoot them a text, drop a note in the mail, spread the love. Here's a couple more helpful hints. Pick a day each week to look back at all 21 things you wrote down. Notice the patterns. What keeps you happy? What people or activities consistently bring joy? This simple reflection reinforces your brain's neural pathways for noticing positivity. Another pro tip is to combine your practice with a small ritual. Pick a consistent time or routine. Habit stacking, like I mentioned at the beginning, that works really well. But adding a little cue, like lighting a candle or doing it while you have a certain cup of tea, it can help program your brain to slip into gratitude mode more easily. We'll talk about another version of this next week. So, what do you do if you can't think of three things? Sometimes this practice just feels challenging or even impossible. And let's just normalize that. We all have days that trying to find the thing we're grateful for can be extremely challenging. And if this is something you experience consistently, if you've tried implementing this before and you just really cannot latch on to that, well then maybe this isn't the gratitude practice you start with. You could begin with the gratitude story we talked about in episode 112, or one of the other practices I'll share next week. Sometimes the programming that blocks us from tapping into gratitude is deeply wired. So if you're feeling stuck, I highly recommend supporting your nervous system first. Practices that aid in central nervous system regulation, like craniosacral therapy, breath work, meditation, they can make a huge difference. If you're stuck in fight or flight, in a sympathetic response, it is really hard to flip into everything's wonderful and beautiful, and I can so easily see a million things I'm grateful for mode. Honor your physiology. It might be what's keeping you stuck. Experts also suggest one, start small. You know, even noticing one tiny thing counts. So if you can't come up with three, maybe you just pick one a day, like the sound of birds or a sip of tea, or how great a warm shower feels. This is about gently training your brain, not forcing it. Second suggestion, use prompts. Sometimes we get stuck because our mind goes blank. Using prompts like something that made me smile today, or someone who helped me, or you know, my favorite song that came on the radio, or even just my favorite song in general that gives me a lift every time I listen to it. Sometimes that can help spark awareness. You can also, third suggestion, pair it with mindfulness. Slow down, notice the moment, and then reflect on the gratitude. Often simply pausing and observing opens the door. The key with all of this is compassion and patience with yourself. Gratitude is a skill, not a test. So here's the takeaway. Notice the small things, connect with the why, feel it fully, and share it when you can. Avoid the butts and the comparisons, honor your nervous system when it's hard, and make it a habit with a little ritual. Gratitude isn't just a list, it's training your brain to see the beauty all around you. Start small, start today, and watch how it shifts your world. If something in today's episode spoke to you, you can follow Roots of the Rise wherever you listen. Each week, we'll keep uncovering what helps you rise into your truest self one episode at a time. Until next time, remember, know who you are, love who you've been, and be willing to do the work to become who you're meant to be. Just a quick reminder this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. I am not a licensed therapist, and nothing shared here is meant to replace the guidance of a physician, therapist, or any other qualified provider. That said, I hope it inspires you to grow, heal, and seek the support you need to thrive.