Ep 006 | Parents, Kids, and Friends: The Smart Dad's Guide to A Stronger Family

In this episode of the Smart Dad podcast, Derek Moore explores the multifaceted nature of family, discussing the importance of family of origin, nuclear family, and chosen family. He shares personal anecdotes about his own family experiences, emphasizing the significance of intentionality in parenting and building relationships. The conversation highlights the need for fathers to be present, invest time in their children, and foster friendships that enrich their family life. Ultimately, the episode encourages listeners to be proactive in nurturing their family connections and creating lasting memories.

Chapters

00:00 The Essence of Family

02:28 Navigating Family Dynamics

07:49 Building Lasting Memories

12:43 The Importance of Friendships

16:39 Intentional Legacy Building

Takeaways

• Family shapes who we are as men, husbands, and fathers.
• We all have dark parts of our past that we must acknowledge.
• Being a dad is a journey filled with challenges and rewards.
• It's essential to navigate the complexities of family dynamics.
• Traditions and memories are vital for family bonding.
• Investing time in children is crucial for their development.
• Dads should prioritize building friendships with other dads.
• Intentionality in parenting leads to a stronger legacy.
• Reach out to your family of origin, nuclear family, and chosen family.
• You're not just raising kids; you're raising future adults.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Smart Dad podcast where we help you lead well at home, in business and in life. I'm your host, Derek Moore. Smart dads are intentional, engaged and ever learning. Whether you're a seasoned dad who's been through it all, a new dad, still figuring it out, a supported dad with a great woman at your side, or a solo dad carrying the load alone, this podcast is for you, no matter your background, your challenges or your goals. Fatherhood is a journey of growth and we're here to do it together. Each week I'll share insights that I've garnered throughout my life of raising kids, building businesses and leading others. I'll definitely share some failures, some successes, and I'll even be able to show you tools and strategies that you can use to become a smart dad in your own life.

Family shapes who we are as men, as husbands, and as fathers. But family isn't just one thing. It's not just the people we were born to, or the kids we raise, or even the close friends we bring into our lives along the way. It's all of that and more. And as dads, we have to navigate all these different layers while staying grounded in who we are and what we stand for.

This may be a difficult podcast for someone out there. Rest assured, we all have dark parts of our past, dark spots, things we may not want to remember. Your childhood may even be one of your darkest. Look, I'm not here to skip over that. Reality is what reality is. I'm here to encourage you to take whatever you've been given and to build something better from it for yourself and for your family.

You know, for me, I've wanted to be a dad ever since I was a sophomore in high school. I just remember reading parenting books, finding leadership books, even management books, listening to tapes, sermons, lectures, watching videos, doing whatever I could to prepare myself for the day that I'd hope to step into the role as a dad. And today,

As the father of 15 kids, right? 10 girls and five boys, one at a time. I've brought them into this world and I've begun to raise them. You know, through that I've seen firsthand how, how complex and how challenging yet how very rewarding this journey can be. In this episode, we're going to talk about three aspects of family that every dad I know tries to balance and navigate. One is our family of origin. Two is the nuclear family that we build. And three is what I call the chosen family. Those friends whom we invite into our lives and they agree to walk with us through some part of our lives. So let's dive in.

My story starts today with my stepdad, the man who became my dad. My mom married him just after my fifth birthday. And over time with some bumps and bruises emotionally and verbally, awkwardly, logistically along the way, I grew to know him, love him, and call him dad for the rest of my life.

When I was old enough, I even chose to take his last name.

He was the kind of guy, the kind of man who led quietly but powerfully. Now, he wasn't always quiet, but his leadership was quiet. He never had to demand attention. His strength came through his actions. He was generous. He still is generous. He was inclusive. He still is inclusive. He includes everybody in the family. And he's always been focused on the needs of our family. Even though we were middle class, maybe upper middle class. I never felt like I lacked anything. One of the things I admired about him was his humor. He had this deep contagious laugh. Again, he still does have that deep contagious laugh. It can fill a church. You can hear him across a restaurant. Even at a funeral home.

His laughter is easily recognizable. People call him the funniest man at Champions. And he brings joy everywhere he goes. That was publicly. Beyond that, his quiet strength was in our home. We knew who was in charge. He and my mom were in charge. And you know what? They may have agreed in private. I don't know. But they agreed in public when they were in front of us, they were unified as a team and that mattered. Outside the home, inside the home, he was the same guy and he still is. In fact, even a month ago, I met someone for the first time who's known my dad since the mid 1980s. This man's legacy is everywhere. Another way he affected my life was the way he welcomed everyone and I mean everyone in the family at Thanksgiving. His parents used to host Thanksgiving out of their house in the country and they did that for decades. When they passed away, my mom and dad took over and my mom sought to make it her mission intentionally to pass down the more family traditions from Thanksgiving. So she started bringing the grandkids into the kitchen when they were about five years old, the night before Thanksgiving, they'd spend the night. So they would be able to stay up and she would teach them little by little, all the parts of the more family traditional Thanksgiving recipes. So five, they started off maybe doing deviled eggs, stuffing the deviled egg filling in there. At six, their responsibilities would grow. Well, I kept producing more candidates for her Thanksgiving training program and they kept growing and they kept growing up five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12 and on and on and on. And eventually she managed to train all the grandkids and they could essentially prepare Thanksgiving without her. Then she was careful. The historian, accountant, bookkeeper minded person that she is, and she documented every recipe and compiled them in one place for the grandkids. They could use it, they could follow it. It was very well done. So much so that one of my sons and his wife now include these more family recipes in their Thanksgiving meals with their in-laws, excuse me, with his in-laws and even with their children. That kind of tradition brought from the stability of family passed on by my mom.

It's really a result of sacrifice, effort, order, planning, logistics, patience, legacy, all the things that we might not even know. We might take for granted all those who have come before us, what they have done to reach two and three generations beyond themselves.

With that in mind, when I became a dad, I wanted to take the best of what I had learned from all my readings, from all my observations, if you will, my scientific experience, experiments and otherwise, and I wanted to build on it. So one of the things I committed to early, because I was out of balance, I was working 100 hours a week and I committed to spend at least 30 minutes a week with my two year old.

We did a daddy daughter date. did a little ice cream scoop. Maybe I would have 45 minutes or an hour. I was consistently taking my wife on a date, but I wanted to invest one-on-one with my daughter. When my son turned two, I did the same thing with him. Again, little did I know I would have eight children in 11 years. And yet somehow I found a way to make it work. Now this has continued for almost 30 years. It's evolved. Sometimes it's longer meals and they're not every week. Sometimes it's just a walk, watching the leaves. Sometimes it's a quick text check-in depending on the kid. But the heart of it remains the same. And I know that not everyone has the same work schedule as I did, 100 hours a week. Not everyone has the same volume of children I do, 15 kids.

I get it. We are all kind of working our own different journey, but the key here is squeezing what you can, where you can and do it for your kids. No matter how busy you are. Remember, remember dads, kids spell love T I E. It doesn't take huge amounts of time, but it does take time.

Not shockingly, I was just reading a study from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. Guess what they found? Fathers who are actively involved in their children's lives, sometimes it's feeding and bathing when they're little, or playing with their kids, spending time with them. Guess what that does? That boosts children's confidence and fosters stronger relationships later in life.

Now, I'm not saying that was a groundbreaking study and your world is upside down because you just found out a new piece of data that you never knew before. Of course we knew that, but science backs it up and I try to live my life an evidence-based model. A couple of other things just to throw in. This is the way Derek Moore has done it. I've tried. Sometimes these work exactly, sometimes they don't. But when each of my kids turn 12,

My goal is to take them on a two week trip, daddy daughter trip or father son trip, just the two of us anywhere in the United States for two weeks. Usually it's obviously during the summer. It always has been, but this is what I call my preemptive strike on the teenage years. And it gives us some more time together in my busy big family before these difficult years hit. Then when they turned 17, just before they leave the house, transition into adulthood, I offer a two week trip anywhere in the world. It's a farewell trip. It's a congratulatory trip. But again, it's just the two of us. Now they might have friends go, they might have a friend's dad go, but it's about connection. This isn't just about, hey, let's travel some more. It's about building lasting memories, trying to strengthen the bond and giving them moments that they can hold on to as they step out of this dependence and into independence Ultimately, I want them to arrive as Covey says in seven habits of highly effective people. I want them to arrive at interdependence that's when independent people choose to depend on other Independent people out of strength not out of weakness and in that vein...

You know, years ago I traveled, my family and I did, with a friend at the time. His name's Chuck, his wife, their four kids. We packed into my two 15 passenger vans because yes, I needed both of them. And we headed south to South Texas for a week to South Padre Island. We loaded everybody up. We made the road trip. I had a very nice client of ours who offered their phenomenal beach house for a week. Didn't cost us anything. Of course we...had it cleaned and took care of them. But we spent an amazing week there. We had late night talks after the kids were in bed, early morning breakfasts over fresh cups of coffee. Now I had just started drinking coffee, so it was a new experience for me. This guy was a coffee connoisseur. We had hurricane watches. We celebrated that we had dodged the storm. We survived kids, diapers, sleep deprivation, midday naps. We survived it all and we grew closer. Now I had met Chuck at church. We had built relationships through various points, but our friendship developed over really months and years of hanging out a little bit at a time. Then we had dinners together. His family would come to my house, stay late. My family would go to his house, stay late. And those deep, honest conversations built a trust, built a community.

And that's how we ended up traveling together. I don't just travel with random people, but we had a great time. It was, it was terrifying because I had been so stressed out. I was a terrible travel buddy. But when the news came on that the hurricane was turning toward Mexico, we weren't going to have to evacuate the Island. I was running around jumping, doing pirouettes, dancing like one of my little girls in a tutu.

We were literally laughing, falling on the floor. I was so relieved and I had had so much stress that our vacation would be canceled from this crazy hurricane heading toward us. I think it was called Umberto. Anyway, that's for another story, another day. But then there's my friend Sami. Fast forward 20 years, Sami's the one who introduced me to cruising. And as you know, that's become a major part, integral part of how I try to create experiences with my family, with my friends.

We've done guys trips, we've done couples trips, we've cruised with all the kids I had, we've cruised with whichever kids happen to show up. He's been on cruises when I've done one-on-one. I've been on cruises when he's done one-on-one. It's proven to be a very, very good time, as I told you about in the last podcast when I talked about cruising with the family. So what has Sami done? He's stayed up late with me. He's proven himself to be trustworthy, like-minded, thought-provoking, fun, fully invested, and really any of my kids who show up, no matter what, he and I deepen our friendship through experiences, conversations, and consistency. So whether it's coffee at sunrise on the beach of South Padre Island or whiskeys at sunset on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, the best friendships are forged over time.

It's time, it's pressure, it's effort. These experiences, meaningful conversations, those are what last. Those are what pass the test of time. So whether you are new to being a dad, whether you've done it a long time, as we say, I want you to be intentional about your legacy. You and you alone are responsible for building a bridge between your past, your parents, your grandparents and your children's future, their children, their grandchildren. Be intentional. Also remember this. You don't have to lead the way I lead. You don't have to try to do it the way another man does, but your family, your nuclear family needs your leadership. They also need to see you build strong friendships outside the family. 

Also families, not just who you're given. It's not just what you're given. Family is those people you choose to invest in and who reciprocate by choosing to invest in you. And in that vein, remember this, dads need other dads. If you don't have a strong connection with one or two other dads yet, you haven't added people into your family by choice, start doing that now. I don't know how you're going to do it.

I don't know where you're going to do it, but start in your community. Find someone like-minded. Build that into your family. Remember, you're not just raising kids. You're raising adults. Those adults are going to shape the next generation. So be intentional. We talked about that. Be present. Show up with a good attitude. And here's my challenge for the week. This week, reach out to someone. Be intentional and reach out to someone from each of your three families.

Anybody from your family of origin still alive, reach out to him, reach out to her. Let that person know you matter to me. Second, your nuclear family, your wife, your kids, reach out to them. Tell them you love them. Tell them something special about that. Recall a story that makes both of you smile. And thirdly, your chosen family, the folks you've invited along the way for the journey who have agreed. Reach out to him, reach out to her, reach out to folks in your life and tell that person thank you. Say, I've enjoyed this particular part of our relationship. Dads, thanks for listening to the Smart Dad podcast. Thanks for being faithful. If you're not a dad, I hope you've learned and gleaned something from this podcast. If you are a dad, take it.

Put it in practice and tell someone else about it. Subscribe, leave a review and keep leading, keep loving and keep showing up.

Thank you for joining us on the Smart Dad Podcast. Be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. For resources, links, and more, check out the show notes. Also, if you like what you heard today, please leave us a five star review so other dads can find the podcast and be the dad they are meant to be. Now go out and be a smart dad today.