Women in The Nude Podcast
Welcome to Sasha Pieterse's Women In The Nude Podcast, where we're not actually nude, but we do bare it all – not just our bodies, but our experiences, our perspectives, and our truths. Join us as we tackle taboo topics and take on the issues that make some folks squirm.
From the complexities of women's health and mental wellness to breaking down gender stereotypes and challenging societal expectations, we're diving deep into the issues that matter most to women. We'll explore the journeys of female entrepreneurs and CEOs, discuss the struggles and joys of motherhood, and shed light on the realities of the entertainment industry. We're also not afraid to get real about sex, relationships, and the expectations placed on women's bodies.
We're here to empower and enlighten you with a mix of sharp wit, uplifting spirit, and informative conversations. So join us as we showcase diverse narratives and topics of discussion, and show the world that being a woman is anything but one-dimensional.
Find us anywhere you get your podcasts, and follow and subscribe to us on Instagram @womeninthenudepodcast and YouTube @SashaPieterse so you never miss a thing!
Women in The Nude Podcast
WITN x Alissa Ray: Sobriety, Aaron Carter & Triumph Over Tragedy
A stunning woman with a story of resilience, self-discovery, and strength. You may know of her as the ex of Aaron Carter, but she is so much more than that. Alissa opens up about having a baby at 14, battling alcohol addiction, surviving abuse, navigating grief, and ultimately choosing herself. This is a raw, powerful conversation about healing, growth, and what it truly means to reclaim your life.
#witn #podcast #actress #wellness #womenshealth #alissaray #sobriety #aaroncarter #sashapieterse #paradise #pll #womensupportingwomen #mentalhealth #women
On November 5th of 2022, when I, you know, got the calls that Aaron had passed away. That was like a moment where I was like I have got to change my life or I'm going to die as well. I had already like been in the hospital in and out with consistent kidney issues because of, like my alcoholism just struggling so bad, and it was like that morning was the first time I think I like looked in the mirror and I like saw myself and I was like this is not my life, like this is not how I'm supposed to live. When I have like my TikTok and I'm talking about sobriety every day, I'm like, oh, you know, I'm this many days sober. It's because I know that it's going to register with somebody and they're going to be like okay, if I were to stop drinking right now, like in 821 days, I could lose girls. If you saw the hoopty.
Speaker 2:Join me, sasha Peters, on Women in the Nude season two, where we bear it all except for our bodies. Leave that to your imagination. Welcome to Women in the Nude. Hi, hello, I'm so glad that you're here.
Speaker 1:I'm excited to be here.
Speaker 2:Everyone, this is Alyssa Rae and you look adorable today, thank you. You make me want to cut my hair. Don't do it. I'm not going to, because I did years ago and I regret it, but it looks so cute on you, thank you Did you have longer hair I did, and then I went through.
Speaker 1:You know, some years of alcoholism went super blonde, damaged it all, and then I had to do the hack, which I did myself.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, it looks great, thank you. There's a lot of layers to what you just said. There is no pun intended, so I want to explore that, but, um, but I love it. You rock it like it looks. It looks beautiful and I I read um that the trend this year, one of them is going to be chopped.
Speaker 1:Oh nice.
Speaker 2:I was ahead of the curve. Nailed it. Nailed it.
Speaker 1:I'm so excited.
Speaker 2:I was also blonde pretty much my whole life and this is the first time I've been dark and I love it. You look gorgeous.
Speaker 1:You were beautiful on Pretty Little Liars and the things I've seen you in, but you were like stunning in person. It's nice.
Speaker 2:So are you? Oh, thank you Appreciate that. Okay, so for those who don't know you, do you want to introduce yourself a little?
Speaker 1:My name is Alyssa. You might know me from winning the fourth grade hula hoop competition in my elementary school. That's what I'm most infamous for. I know I have been, you know, kind of infamous for a few things in my life. I've been put on the dirty way back in the day. Uh yeah, I started by dating a rock star and then that went a little sideways and I had some wild rumors put on the internet about me. It was like straight out of the gate in Los Angeles I'm like 18 and so that was kind of wild and like kind of the opinion I think a lot of people in Los Angeles had on me, which sucks, because then a few years later I started dating a different person in music who was very well known in the early 2000s. And do you want me to like just you can't.
Speaker 2:You can, if you want to, um I.
Speaker 2:I have some questions okay maybe we'll start with like uh, first of all, that's really difficult. I feel like, especially at 18, I can definitely relate to um things being assumed or written about you that are not true and, um, I would imagine that like for me, social media was was like Twitter was just getting popular and becoming way more um of a thing, and that was weird to experience. But when you were 18, I mean, it was it like I don't know, like TMZ, was it like what? What kind of things like affected you.
Speaker 1:I didn't really run into TMZ too much, aside from being like photographed, but nobody ever knew my name, so that was always kind of like a nice thing.
Speaker 2:Do you mind me asking who that rock star is?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so do you guys remember Puddle of Mud? Yeah, she f***ing hates me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's on my playlist, yeah absolutely so.
Speaker 1:Wes Gantlin looked a lot like Kurt Cobain and I just thought that was amazing.
Speaker 2:I get it. It's weird to be in the public eye, especially when you're not trying to be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I wasn't. I was young At 18, I'd already had a four-year-old. My daughter's dad had passed away, so I had already experienced a lot of like odd things at a very young age. And then getting like thrust onto like the internet and being called like really wild names, and then that's just like what people think of you for years to come and like you know you're, you're working and you're like getting jobs that people google, like oh, you know who's Alyssa Rae? And then like the first thing that pops up is like oh oh, she rock stars and does bathrooms and you're like half of that's true, not the second part, yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean again, that's loaded Right. So first of all, before we started recording, you said that your daughter is turning 20, which is amazing and crazy, and I would never in a million years think that you have a 20-year-old. I would assume that there was a lot of hardships in the beginning, like you're talking about. How did it feel to be a young mom, like, aside from him passing, did you have other support around you? My parents?
Speaker 1:were supportive they let me decide if I wanted to keep my daughter or not, which was, you know, I think, such a kind thing for them to do, like they didn't push religious opinions or really anything. They like gave me space to make that choice on my own, which, as an adult, I now kind of like I've had moments where I'm like you should have, you know, you should have maybe forced a choice, but I am ultimately like so thankful that I have my daughter and like that I got to experience raising her, because I don't know if I would have ever become a mom otherwise because, like I know, I was so young before I got pregnant but I never imagined myself being a mom, okay. And so then, when it happened, like obviously I'm thankful and I like I'm so appreciative that I have all of the like memories with her and stuff. But it was really very difficult.
Speaker 1:Her dad passed away. He committed suicide when she was four months old, and that was also something that was in the front page of the newspaper in the town that we lived in, and it was like stories that took partial truths and then twisted it, and so, like I've weirdly been thrust into like okay, now here's all your information for everybody to read about, and then, like, you just have to like deal with the repercussions in the aftermath and then you're labeled. You know all of these things, and it's happened to me like kind of a lot in my life, which is really bizarre, because I feel like I kind of like just stick to myself and then it's like, oh hey, like here's all your information.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's, that's. I mean, that's super, it's just difficult and I empathize with that. The way that you're speaking about it is really incredible, because it's not, um, you're not coming from a place of like, oh, poor me, which is something that's super inspirational, because you've been through so much in your life and, um, you, you're just, you hold strong to who you are and that that's. That's not easy to do, especially because of everything that has gone on publicly.
Speaker 1:I definitely let it go for a few years there.
Speaker 2:That's okay. I think you can also give yourself grace there.
Speaker 1:Which I am, you know. I'm trying to give myself some grace and, like you know, apologize to myself now, but oh, I really.
Speaker 2:I don't want to ever put words in your mouth, but I would also imagine that because you had your daughter so young, your childhood was also taken from you. Yeah, which?
Speaker 1:well, okay, so that is actually something that I think in a weird way, like my own childhood was sort of taken away, but I also got to like then choose my own childhood, you know, which I hope I didn't like shove on her too much, but we got to do so many cool things while I was raising my daughter.
Speaker 1:I I am very lucky that, like, as wild as my life is, I've been pretty successful, like during her childhood. I owned day spas in Ventura and Santa Barbara County, which I loved. They were beautiful and I got to meet like the most amazing women in the world, uh, which helped a lot. I think that it like created my own little village and so I got to experience like really amazing vacations and, like you know, swimming with dolphins with my daughter and swimming with sharks with my daughter, like really amazing things. That like otherwise I don't think would have been as special without her, but I also think it would have been a little, you know, cool if I got to experience them like on my own maybe, yeah, yeah, and then got to show them to her.
Speaker 2:But it works this way too, yeah absolutely, and you know those memories are special regardless. Yeah, I think there is something to say about a lifestyle that's not traditional doesn't mean that it's not any worse or better, like it's one of those things where, like, you don't know that other experience so you don't know what your childhood would have been like otherwise.
Speaker 2:I didn't have a traditional childhood either, but I wouldn't trade it because I wouldn't have, like you're saying, experienced all the other incredible things that came with it, along with you know some not so great things, but everybody has somewhat of a story like that.
Speaker 1:No childhood is perfect.
Speaker 2:No situation is perfect. Do you think that you ended up choosing partners to kind of escape that reality? Or was it just for fun? I don't know if that's too personal of a question. No, no, you're totally fine.
Speaker 1:So I actually, when my daughter's dad passed away, she was four, almost five months old, and then I ended up dating somebody that I met when I was 16. We dated for about three years and then broke up when I was 18. And he was a really good guy. He was older than me but he really helped me know that college is super important and I needed to get all those college classes set up and we're still friends to this day. He's a very positive person that I have in my life. Um, and then, after we broke up, I dated somebody for eight years and he was an amazing guy. He's an accountant, so like very like opposite of me in every way and like from santa barbara, born and raised, had like really like good family life, and he taught me so much, like so many important lessons, and his family taught me stuff that my family didn't know about, because my family is, you know, a little different, crazy and wild.
Speaker 1:But like I got like a real family experience with him and so that was super nice. And then, unfortunately, while I was dating him, I became an alcoholic and I started to like spiral and then I ended up ruining our relationship. I was just like a really angry person and I wasn't cheating on him or doing anything we didn't do anything weird like that but I just didn't want to come home and I would literally like drink by myself and like just not come home. I'd stay at my work and just drink and be a little weirdo. And then I moved out one day and it was like a shitty move. And then I like spiraled for like a few years where I would just drink a whole bunch and I didn't date anyone at all like zero men. Um, I dated a few women because I am bisexual, but I didn't date men during that time whatsoever. And then I gained a lot of weight. Things got real squirrely and then I met, uh, aaron Carter, and my mom introduced us and then me and him started FaceTiming in like April of 2021. And then on November 5th of 2022, when I, you know, got the calls that Aaron had passed away.
Speaker 1:That was like a moment where I was like I have got to change my life or I'm going to die as well. I had already like been in the hospital in and out with consistent kidney issues because of like my alcoholism and just struggling so bad. And it was like that morning was the first time I think I like looked in the mirror and I like saw myself and I was like this is not my life, like this is not how I'm supposed to live. I don't want to be doing these things. Like I, during my alcoholism, like I made an OnlyFans account, which I am totally like supportive of any woman doing anything, but for me, like it just was like killing my self-esteem and how I felt about myself and like felt like I was like selling my soul and just really it was a really really dark place to wake up, like actually wake up and be like oh, this is not it.
Speaker 1:So I, you know, I called my mom and I remember like telling her like I don't want to end up dead, I don't want to do this anymore. And she, she was like Alyssa, if you wanted to change your life, you already would have. I already had three DUIs, I'd already done time in jail, I'd gotten extradited Just really wild situations that I never would have imagined for myself. I lost my salons. The only money I had was from OnlyFans. It was this really weird thing where I felt like I had nothing really to like be or like know who I was, and so I immediately went to rehab which was in Oklahoma.
Speaker 1:And yeah, if you fly to Oklahoma, you will get sober, because you're like I need to go back to California as quick as possible yeah. I will be good. What do I gotta do?
Speaker 2:I really love that. You're here to tell your story on your terms, so feel free to say whatever, or that's my issue, I say whatever. This is your platform, for lack of a better word. Yeah, of course, were you still in contact with Aaron when he?
Speaker 1:passed. Yeah, so me and Aaron's like relationship, as far as I don't really know even like what to call what we were doing, but that all ended in the middle of September, and then him and I still stayed in contact, and the last time I physically saw him was that April, though so I you know it'd been a few months. It was the April of the same year that he passed away, that I had last seen him. I went to his house to actually help him find all the money that somebody else was embezzling from him and trying to like pinpoint all that was taken and where lives were.
Speaker 1:And I had, like, at the time, met somebody else that I was excited about and like had started dating him, and Aaron was like, oh, should we like try this again? And there is still, to this day, like time where I regret being like no, you know what. I'm going to give this new thing a chance, because it would be rad if him and I could sit here sober together. And that is something that hurts always, because I'm so proud of myself that it would have been really rad to do it with a friend, and I feel bad that I am celebrating life all the time and he is not.
Speaker 2:I get it, but also that's you can't hold that. It's easy to say it on my side, but like you never know how that direction would have oh, absolutely, and of course in our heads we glorify it.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh, we would have gotten sober together, we would have been the best of friends.
Speaker 2:No, but I mean that sentiment is. There's no harm in that sentiment other than the fact that you're torturing yourself. A hundred percent. He had such a hard life and as much as your stories were connected, they were also very separate. One hundred percent.
Speaker 1:It's an odd thing, you know. Yeah Well, grief is an odd thing too, it is, it's very weird to unpack and sometimes it like hits all at once and then sometimes you're totally fine and it doesn't bother you. It's very, very hard to unpack, yeah, or even know when to unpack it and when it's supposed to be all bottled up. It's a very interesting thing to navigate yeah, it's, there's many layers.
Speaker 2:Everybody handles it differently. Um, and I think, like aaron, had such an impact on everybody he met. I actually briefly met him when I was five and a half or so. I did a TV show called Family Affair and he guest starred on it when he was 16. And he was, you know, I was obviously so little, but he was really friendly and had a lot of energy and you can tell he was a very charismatic person. But the more when I grew up, the more I learned about his history too, his family life and everything that he had to go through.
Speaker 2:I can't imagine being in that position and the pressures that you feel, and it's my heart aches for that situation, because those types of situations go one way or the other. I'm sad that it went the way that it did, that he didn't get the support that he needed. From such a young age. I could see the sadness in his eyes every now and then. We would run into each other at an event or something like that and you could tell that there was heartbreak there. That child star atmosphere can be so dark 100%.
Speaker 2:And that is something that I really think about with my son, because he didn't choose this. You know, he's little, he's four, and he can decide whether he wants to be in the entertainment industry, to whatever capacity or not, but ultimately he is going to be in the spotlight, kind of as a secondary public figure, if you will, and he didn't choose that, and so navigating that is like how do you protect that? I don't want to say that it's unfair, but it's a type of childhood that's really difficult to navigate. I was really lucky with my parents and how they supported me as far as being in the industry so young, but obviously there are so many stories where that's not the case.
Speaker 1:And exploitation is just so. I think it's more frequently not the case, unfortunately. Like it's so special that your parents were, good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, thank goodness, you know, but it's I also. I knew a lot of kids my age in the industry that did not have it that way, those childhoods like Aaron. I just, I feel so, I feel so bad that, like it ended up that way, there's an empty space there which sucks, sad yeah I think he was such a funny person, like when he wanted to be a menace.
Speaker 1:It was like the most menacey menace ever, and then like when he wanted to be sweet. It was like the sweetest person you ever dealt with. It was just like so much of he was so much. Yeah, it was nice to be around a so much person did that ever get turned on you?
Speaker 2:which part, like on the media or in the media side, like, did anybody ever think that you were part of that? Oh, yes, she.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, here we go as far as like all of that. I was like labeled as a homewrecker and then I was being sent messages that Melanie was telling people that we gave him drugs. I never had a drug addiction problem. I've never done drugs. I was an alcoholic. My DUIs are like high alcohol DUIs. I had an alcohol problem.
Speaker 1:I'm like, unfortunately, too honest person. I would talk if I had a drug problem, you know. But it was 1942. And so like I was literally like called you know the worst names in the book, told that I like possibly was part in him getting the air compressors that night, which is not true. It was a different girl who, you know door dashed it to him from staples. I had nothing to do with any of that. When we were still talking at the end, the last messages he sent to me I never responded to, which kills me.
Speaker 1:Like I feel bad because he had messaged me about like three different times that I'd never gotten back to at the end because Melanie and I were like fighting so badly it was crazy she would like post these really wild things to her Instagram story. And then, after he had passed away, I felt bad about everything that happened, I understood how it was to be a single mom with the dad having passed away, and I remember, like all of my own feelings that came flooding back and so, even if it sounds like selfish, it broke my heart and I was like I have to help. And so I remember messaging her and I still have all the screen records of this, which I even got messy and I shared them to my Instagram story for months. I left them up because she just like, kept sending people after me and I had to have proof of like no, this is me saying my side and this is her side. But I messaged her and I let her know that I was very sorry that Erin passed away and that she was now a single mom. And she, you know, screamed at me and she was like you knew I was pregnant. I did not know she was pregnant. The only thing that I had seen was the video of her running around threatening to stab her stomach with that knife, which is still recorded. We still all have all those videos. These videos didn't disintegrate when he passed away, like we still have all of the same information we had before he passed away.
Speaker 1:And so, you know, I swore I didn't know that she was pregnant because she had come over in a sweater, couldn't see her belly, like she was screaming up to the second story. I couldn't like fully see her and like I didn't know what she normally looked like I'd never met her, I didn't know if she was like a thicker or a thinner girl, like I don't know what she looks like, so I didn't know she was really pregnant until after you know she'd given birth and so in the message I'm telling her I'm sorry, and like you know, if she needs anything, I understand what it's like to be a mom that's child's dad passed away. Like if she needs to talk, I'm there for her. And she completely attacked me and like just used it to blame everything on me. She blamed him passing away on me, she blamed all of it in its entirety on me and then said that I like destroyed her family and it was just like such a hard moment. And then she was like and you left Black at my house and I was like, okay, there were no, you're just like adding things, because I know that you're sharing this the screenshots as well to other people to try and make it seem like it's so much worse than it was, and those aren't the situations that happen. What really happened is she really did keep my diamond earring diamond earring. She really did keep my clothes. She really did keep my shoes. She sure as shit was wearing them in video like she's she's an oddball, she's an oddball. I'm like getting like shaky thinking of all the things that like happened with us.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so all of that was like then put on the internet and then she went on to the bunny podcast and was like still talking about how I was a homewrecker, when every time that Erin kept trying to go back, even the last three, I didn't even respond to. And it's like I'm not a homewrecker. I didn't know you were actually pregnant. You weren't even confirming your pregnancy. She had invited my, or they had invited my mom and my stepdad to the baby shower, and then even Aaron and my parents got uninvited to the baby shower and so we Aaron and then his assistant and me and my mom and everybody I remember us like chatting and talking about like oh, is she even pregnant? And nobody believed she was really pregnant. Like, and it sucks to be like called a homewrecker when nobody thought she was pregnant. We thought she was lying, because there were so many you know things shown to me as evidence of like this person's a compulsive liar. She's just obsessed. Look at her doing this and this and this.
Speaker 1:And I'm being shown one side, like her, running out of the house with suitcases and the only thing she's grabbing is lingerie nothing for a baby. Like, if you're pregnant, wouldn't you grab anything that was given to you for the baby? No, you just grabbed stripper heels and lingerie. That was what you grabbed, like. So all of everything was just really messy and what is like oh no, this is not what a mom would do. This is not what a person would do. But who am I fucking say? She didn't have her baby yet. She didn't know what a mom would maybe need. I didn't know everything else that was involved leading to her grabbing stuff like. So what was shown to me was just one side.
Speaker 1:I should have asked more questions, but I was an alcoholic and I was excited about attention and I just was taking like a little bit of information and I was like oh okay, no, this must be it. And I'm being told no, I really want to be with you, I really like you. Here's a Range Rover to drive. Oh, like here's this, like you know, and then being in the house and like I don't know, it's such a weird thing when it's happening, like her stuff was there, but not like a person who lives there, it was a person who's moving out. I think a lot of people. When, like heard of all the craziness that was going on, I was violently attacked online Like ridiculous, I like I got some wild messages.
Speaker 1:I remember like people being like, oh yeah, they just do drugs together, they just party together, and I never like I went to his house drunk a few times but he would never let me drink with him because alcoholism had like affected his family so negatively. And like there were times when I would like show up and I'd be, you know, wasted and I'd be like trying to like door dash more. I'll go over and he'd be like, no, I'm not gonna let you get it. Like you're gonna sober up and he'd, like, you know, put me in the shower and like a whole thing force feed me and like I'm so thankful that he was like so kind to me and sweet to me.
Speaker 1:In those moments like it was very nice to get attention. There was a bunch of like other scenarios going on and I didn't understand everything. I was just excited about getting attention and like I don't know, this person was telling me I was beautiful and like we were having fun. And then there's like drama and it was just like a whole lot of stuff in such a short amount of time and I didn't understand all of it and I really said some things at the time that were stupid and, like you know, I went on Facebook one time and I was like, oh, you can't, like can't homewreck a place, it's not a home, like just some ps.
Speaker 1:That was just so rude and like ridiculous to say. Um, but me and Aaron like posted the caption, like did it together, and we like thought we were so funny and we're're like hee, hee, hee, hee. And then, like reality hits and you see other people like putting it on Twitter and like switching how it's like worded, and I'm like, oh wait, no, now I'm like I fanned a fire, that Iizmo, and people were like, oh, she stole his dog years ago and I was like what I have?
Speaker 2:his birth certificate. It kind of just shows how complicated a situation like that could be. Because you didn't know him for a very long time, you didn't understand the gravity of what his life was like. He was open about, like struggling with schizophrenia and a lot of mental health issues and trying to get his life back on track. And it's really difficult if you don't have people to support that 100%. It's hard to do regardless.
Speaker 1:I still struggle knowing what the truth is in certain scenarios during those months because there was so much information. There's things that I saw with my own eyes that I know are true. There's things that seemed true to me but have been been like disproven. It was just a lot and it was messy and it's just. I would never wish that on anybody. Like my daughter was getting messages like my random friends from like facebook, like people would just like message. Tmz was trying to talk to people like in my life and I was like for what? Just don't try to find people around me. You could talk to me.
Speaker 2:I feel like people just often need someone to blame, never like if they're not in the place to to deal with it themselves.
Speaker 1:It's so much easier to just be like that person's the issue yeah, um, I think I was like I definitely added to the issue. For sure I think we all did, and we just made it way bigger than it needed to be, and I think drugs and alcohol do that. They magnify problems. And then you just have, like we all have large egos, like you know Melanie has hers, aaron has his and then I have mine. Like we're big personalities and all three like together. It was just like we should have been on the Jerry Springer show. It was deliciously messy.
Speaker 2:The whole situation just sucks. It's just painful. It does suck and making it more and more public.
Speaker 1:I guess my issue with it being so public is that, especially if it's lies, you know he's passed and it's just like it does suck because we can't ask him now to say, oh, what was the intention for this, or what was the intention for this move.
Speaker 1:And now, you'll never know yeah, not only that, but now there's all these stories that are getting muddled, and the person that it's going to affect the most is prince, because he's going to want to hear about his dad and, like, obviously, his mom's pregnancy. And now these things are now muddied and it's up that her pregnancy did have a story like yeah, that's terrible, I was pregnant at 14 and I had a great pregnancy. Like my daughter's dad was so excited and so kind he read to my belly every night like I hate that she didn't have a great pregnancy. Like that's something that every woman's gonna remember forever and that like kills me, like I wish that I had really been more you know, aware of what was actually going on, because you can't take back when you f**k up somebody's first time at like motherhood, like you can't correct that, you can't like yeah, but I also feel like everybody has their own life choices, right.
Speaker 2:So you know, there are, there are things that we can do, um, and it's not necessarily everybody else's fault. Yeah, so I guess more. So my point is like um, it makes sense that it was super messy, um, but she could have left the situation too yeah so I I don't I don't mistakes for sure.
Speaker 2:That's kind of. My point, though, is like, as much as as much as it was complicated, and there were many reasons why it was so unfortunate and heightened, there are still levels that like to that situation you can't blame yourself, for there were things that you could control, and then there were things that you couldn't control.
Speaker 1:It made sense to me at the time, which I will say is like, like such a reflection of how messed up your mind is when you're an alcoholic like those decisions I was making truly made sense and I was like, no, like of course you know I'm defending myself by putting on the Facebook, like oh no, you can't homework at home, it's not a house or whatever. Like, just like, whatever the stupid things. Like I felt so right in those decisions at the time and it's's so weird to now look back on them. And I think that's where like the like shame and like regret, because I'm like how could I have ever thought that that was an okay thing to say or ever react that way? And now, like you know, my mind is more clear and I can look back and be like, oh no, like I really messed up.
Speaker 2:But, like it, prince gets the the answers that he he needs. That's going to be a really tough journey for him 100%, but I guess more so. What I'm trying to say is that, like you are owning the things that you did in that circumstance and you've changed, and I'm sure there's, you know there's always stuff to work on and grow, like we should all be trying to evolve always. But you also can't be responsible for everything that happens.
Speaker 1:Anytime something terrible or tragic happens, there's, like you know, half of you wants to take accountability up for it, and then half of you just wants to be like, oh my God, like I never want to like open that page again. But it is something that I feel like is, you know, talking about cause? At first, even when I have, like my TikTok and I'm talking about sobriety every day, I'm like, oh, you know, I'm this many days sober. And then, um, there's parts of me, though, when people are like, oh, you know what caused you to get sober. I don't ever really want to talk about Aaron, cause I don't want to ever seem like I'm trying to monetize or like get any type of infamy from what happened. Um, because that's not my objective at all.
Speaker 1:I truly just, like you know, when I talk about these things, it's because I know that some it's going to register with somebody and they're gonna, right now, like in 821 days, I could lose, you know, 60 pounds and, you know, go from a hoopty back to a normal person car which, like you know, girls, if you saw the hoopty, I had duct tape in it. It was like I was really rocking with a dream and, you know, then I got to go and buy like a brand new car again, like it's these things that I'm like, you know, I'm hoping, yeah, like okay, I'm like slowly getting my life back together. And I ran it so hard into the ground, like literally felt like I destroyed my name, destroyed my entire, like family. I felt like I destroyed everything in my life. And then, you know, I also couldn't do like OnlyFans and things like that anymore when I got sober, because it didn't align with me or who I am or how I feel about myself, and it like I ended up like snapping and like freaking out and like having a moment with, like you know, I'm like a bottle of bleach where I like freaked out, I like poured bleach on my body because I like felt dirty. And then it's like those moments where you're like, oh, that's not healthy, like you're putting bleach on yourself.
Speaker 1:You've gotta maybe yeah maybe change some actions here, honey, like what aligns now? Like, oh, okay, so something makes me feel dirty. I've got to, like you know, switch it up, and so now I've like switched to. Weirdly, I started like modeling.
Speaker 2:I agree with that choice.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah, but it's like such a weird thing to know, like you know, just a few years ago my life was. But it's like such a weird thing to know, like you know, just a few years ago, my life was very different.
Speaker 2:So you're going all the way to the other side of like self-acceptance. Yeah, which?
Speaker 1:is invaluable, really, you know, and it's like odd because, like there's even moments still where, like, I'll like open up Snapchat and I'll see a video of myself from five years ago, like your memories, yeah, and I'm like that does not like bright blonde hair and, like you know, almost 200 pounds and like always drunk. Every snapchat's like hey, yeah, it's like such a different person and I'm like, oh, she just needed a hug, like she needed a fucking friend, yeah, like just a little bit of motivation and help. But so I'm hoping, though, that when people see like me just chatting, that they get the point of why I'm doing it. Like you can turn it around. Instead of sitting in jail, getting extradited up to a podunk, freaking courthouse, you can, you know, switch it around and go work out at Equinox and use their eucalyptus towels. It's a way better day.
Speaker 2:So I mean, I always have the policy of like it's never too late to start, yeah, right, yeah. Your mom saying like you would have done it already it's. I don't want to knock her, I don't know her, but I think that you know people need to make that decision for themselves. Nobody can force that decision on you. It just won't stick right.
Speaker 1:I completely agree, and I think, though, in a certain way, because of that, my spite is what made me do it, Because I was like fuck her, Like what do you mean? Like what do you mean I would have already done it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of people that understand it. You know you can have empathy for it, but you don't understand it until you're in that position. It's great that you made that decision to turn your life around, and you did it for a lot of reasons, but you did it for you, yes, and and that, I think, is probably the most important thing because ultimately, you can't fix or change anything until you work on yourself 100% From the smallest. You can't fix or change anything until you work on yourself 100% From the smallest things to the biggest things. You know that's how you turn it around. Anytime anybody shares a story like this, it encourages the same thing for somebody else. So I hope you see yourself in a better light now. I hope that you— oh my gosh, you guys.
Speaker 1:I got sober and I got super hot.
Speaker 2:Yes, that is a plus, you definitely did.
Speaker 2:I'm just kidding. No, you absolutely are. Yeah, no, it is one of those things where, like confidence and when somebody is, I think, growing and working on themselves, that by itself is what makes you sexy, right? That confidence is something that people are attracted to, regardless of what you look like, and then you know, when you start living a healthier life, all of those things come with it, and I think that you should be proud, thank you. Like the mixture of everything, you are a success story, even with the ups and downs you've had in your life. So when you, when you talk about days instead of months or years, is that like a mental clarity thing for you, or like every day you're making that choice, or is there a different reason for it?
Speaker 1:So I think that it's every single day making that choice, especially when it's broken down to what I've gone through in the last two years there's been some of the hardest moments I've ever experienced in my life and to know that I've, like still chose to be sober that day, like the guy that I, you know, ended up not dating, aaron Carter, because of I walked in on him cheating. And I remember walking down the stairs after I walked in on him sleeping with a different woman and there was a bottle of tequila, a bottle of vodka and there was like a bunch of like marijuana and stuff. And I remember like at that moment, like making that decision, like oh my gosh, do I drink? And it happened August 9th, the following year of that first November of sobriety. So it was like I think I was like eight months sober at the time and I remember just being like what the fuck? And then he ended up choking me and like he broke my foot. It was this really wild night and I still chose sobriety. So I'm like okay, now I'm at that many days and I'm still rocking with it. And then I was like covered in bruises for a few days, but still choosing to not cycle back to something terrible, but, like, still choosing to move forward.
Speaker 1:And then, you know, the day that I like realized like, oh my gosh, I can't do OnlyFans, I have to. You know, I'm going to start applying it in and out, but I'm proud of myself because, like, I know that that is going to be better for me. And so, like, this is that day and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is what I did on this day. And then, like you know, day 800 and whatever it was, like, oh, I got it. I got a brand new Tesla. Like, oh my goodness, so this is how many days it took me to sort shit out.
Speaker 1:And then what people don't know is I actually compare it to where I was at with alcoholism. Like, I will then go and look at my Snapchats and be like, oh, this is where I was 800 days into drinking. I still had my salons, I still had stuff, but I was starting to gain weight and I didn't notice it. So I'm seeing, like I'm comparing it to how quickly I can get my life back together and how quickly I destroyed it. And nobody ever once asked me why I was celebrating all the time. But people always ask me like oh, why do you count every day? But no one said anything. When I'm like down to do cheers all the time, no one's like why are you still celebrating Like I celebrated every day for like seven years straight?
Speaker 2:No, one said a word.
Speaker 1:Okay. So every time you like, go into a story.
Speaker 2:I'm like wait, there's like 500, I'm so sorry, no, no, no, it's, it's um.
Speaker 1:I have adhd don't say sorry about it.
Speaker 2:There's nothing to be sorry about, but um to to just go back for a second. You caught him cheating and then what was? Where did that physical abuse?
Speaker 1:okay. So, um, he works for a record label and they bought them a house in the valley on dolorosa, so it's like this huge house. It's one of the weekend's houses, okay and yeah an extra layer, an extra question I'm telling you, guys, I meet everybody and I don't know why.
Speaker 1:Um no, but so they have this like crazy big house that's in the Valley, uh, in Woodland Hills, and he lived six minutes away from where I lived at the time. My house was like right by Pierce, and so I just had a feeling and I knew he was lying to me and like I hate, I hate feeling crazy. Then you're right. And then you're like, well, yeah, but like, and I knew I was right, but he would just be like no, no, it's just in your head. Girls, this is gonna sound crazy. Do you want to hear the actual story?
Speaker 2:what happened? Okay, so.
Speaker 1:I get to the gate and obviously he's not answering my calls and so I'm like in front of the fence which I they have a ton of cameras so they're watching. They can watch me do this, which is so embarrassing, because I know that they have, because it ended up in a group chat the amount of times I've ended up in a group chat. But so I'm like standing outside no, I'm pacing back and forth in front of this like camera going crazy, because I'm like I don't know how to get over this fence. There's no visible way to like scale this 12 foot fence and there's two of them. And so I'm like what do I do? What do I do? And when me and Aaron had like still been messaging and stuff, I deleted all of our messages because the guy that I had started dating was like I really, you know, I don't really want you guys like talking anymore. So I was like whatever, like that was a bunch of drama, it sucked, that ruined like everything in my life, so I'm gonna delete everything.
Speaker 1:Well, that night, as I'm like standing outside of the fence, I'm like, oh my gosh, am I right about this? Am I right about this? Well, all of the messages from Aaron Carter were back in my phone and one of the messages from him said you're right. And I was like what the like? Why would these pop back up? And so I was like shaking and like fuck, like, why would these pop back up? And so I was like shaking and like I'm right, like so I'm right that that's happening on the other side of the fence. And so and I know it sounds so crazy because, like, why did those messages all of a sudden pop back through? But they did. And so I was like it gave me like this adrenaline burst and I was like I'm going to make it over these fences.
Speaker 1:And so I, like a cat woman, scaled these fences yeah, I'm like parkouring 12 foot fences, all five, three of me like I got this hi. And so then I, you know, get to the house and I know that he always like left the back door unlocked, stupid, I know I was like you, stupid, mother. And so then I like walked in the back gate and then his door to his bedroom door was shut and I was like why would your bedroom door be shut In your own house? Yeah, in your house. And so then I walked in and he was like sleeping with a woman that looked just like Lil Wayne and I was so conflicted Like, do I ask for an autograph or do I just fucking go? And I Was it.
Speaker 2:It was not and I love a way I do too.
Speaker 1:I know I would have totally hyped it and been like tootsie like let's get a three-way going right now. But no, uh, instead I was like hey, you gotta go. And she was like, oh, my god, who's this? And she like got her clothes and like left and then, um yeah, and then he like attacked me. I didn't mean to laugh, it wasn't funny but, like it was wild because I didn't know that was coming next. Right, had he been abusive before?
Speaker 1:that no and I like. I mean I say a lot of wild shit and I've never been hit you know, so I guess it was like due.
Speaker 2:But I wasn't ready.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, I really like it was shocking, because I really didn't expect that from him. He had always been kind of of like more on the meek, like shy kind of side, and to see that was actually like terrifying. Uh, it was, it was completely shocking. And he even told me he was like the look on your face when I was like choking you is what made me stop, because he's like you look terrified and I was like I was well, yeah, you were on top of me. I thought that was the end, okay.
Speaker 1:So, ankle, how did your, how did your ankle break? He stood on my foot. I don't think he noticed. I think he was drunk because he smelled like alcohol. And then there like was a part where he like bit my arm, which I have the craziest pictures of these like bruises and his friend Ziad, who is the weekend's manager. I ended up messaging him and he had messaged me years before, asking me out Cause he had, like I don't know, we matched on Tinder or something and I had oddly messed up my foot, drunk, tripping over a girlfriend's dog and him and I had talked about that and I was like, hey, so it's super weird to be messaging you about my foot again.
Speaker 1:But hey, you're gonna see some videos of me doing some crazy shit. Your house, and if you need me to replace a piece of wood, I threw a piece of ice at it, and if you need money, I gotcha, and then yeah. So they did see the videos of me jumping over the fence and then, yeah, and then they saw me, and you know, scott, fighting in the house. Oh, so there's cameras in the house, yeah, which, okay, they didn't tell me or any of the other girls that they were sleeping with.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's there on camera, yeah yeah, that's not great yeah to this day.
Speaker 1:I'm like I wonder if all those girls know that they were recorded footage of them yeah, that's really messed up.
Speaker 2:It's super messed up. It's scary that he was never violent until he was caught like that's. That's scary because that also just means that it's that was an underlying personality trait and you know it was that was going to pop out at some point. Um and and nobody just chokes somebody out for no reason, like that's no and then he apologized to me for months.
Speaker 1:So that happened in august and he was apologizing to me for months.
Speaker 2:There's a reason for that. That's not just because he's sorry, that's because he doesn't. It's on camera. He doesn't want you to press charges.
Speaker 1:You don't like he like talked me into talking to him again and he did it again in his car. He like attacked me again and it was daytime and he had not had alcohol the second time. And so I'm like, oh no, you're just terrible, you can attack me completely sober. I was chalking it up to, you had had too much to drink, you were emotional, but no, you can still get that mad at me and like, try and do it in broad daylight, like it was 12 o'clock the second time. You tried to do it. So I was like, no, you're a psycho and I have to like 100% like, stay away from. Did you ever press charges against him? No, I didn't at all. He's Canadian and I just didn't. I don't. I don't want to get somebody deported, you know.
Speaker 2:Well, no, you know, I think about that also myself, like now and I'm like that's wild. Yeah, no, I'm not. I'm not like it's just, it's one of those situations where, like that is, that is like who he is, yeah, yeah, that's really intense. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you broke your ankle. I'm sorry that people are violent towards you. Nobody deserves that, no matter what stage they are in their life, and so you were sober at that point um, and so you were sober at that point.
Speaker 1:No, yes, yes, yes, yes, uh, I was sober, I started. So I started my sobriety journey november 5th 2022, um, when he cheated on me, when scott cheated on me, it was august 9th 2022, so I was eight months into being sober.
Speaker 2:So that's what you were saying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I started dating him when I was still drinking right um, and you chose not to drink in that.
Speaker 2:after that situation, which, which is amazing, in your sober journey, what is something that you want to tell people that are going through something similar? That?
Speaker 1:it is not too late to start. Just start. Start right now. Start today. Don't wait for tomorrow, don't wait for oh, I just got to wait until after my birthday or after this person's birthday or after this holiday. Start right now and you are going to thank yourself in literally 20 minutes, like you feel better the second you get going. So just give yourself faith and like, or give yourself grace and have faith. Just do it, because you gotta bet on yourself like no one else is gonna be there for you. At the rocky moments at the end of the day, like when you're all alone and you're like thinking about what you do and like how you present yourself to the world. It's so much better when you can put your like best foot forward and be like hey, like I'm actually like a decent person, I'm thinking clearly. These are my actual opinions and thoughts. I'm not speaking from like having a few drinks and feeling loosey-goosey, like I actually, and like mean what I say.
Speaker 2:So if you want to be your whole self, just start now yeah, no, I think that's that's really well said and that and that that's it Right. Is there something that you kind of replaced alcohol with? Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, I go to the gym all the time. Now, that's good yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, you look like it. I'm just fishing for compliments today Happy to give them to you, and and I think that that is something that I have seen is that it's normally replaced by something and obviously it's great that it's a healthy thing.
Speaker 1:I think you have to replace an addiction with another addiction. Like I know that that's what my rehab like really like toted. They were like hey, you've got to switch it out for something else. Like it sounds wild, but you really have to. And now you know I work out all the time and I journal and I just do things that you know I honestly never had put the like attempts in. Yeah, like, yeah, I would have just tried. Life probably could have gone a lot easier, but you wouldn't have had the same motivation, you wouldn't have had the same experience.
Speaker 2:Like it, you know, I feel like things happen in your life for a reason to some degree. In your life, for a reason to some degree. You know, I think that there is a balance there between like what you choose, but also you know your path. Like it's, there's things that are chosen for you and then there's things that you choose, and I think when those things come together, it really like decides your future until you change it. Yeah, I'm really happy, and I don't know you very well, but I'm also really um, like proud that you've like taken yourself to this moment. Like there's a, there's a lot of growth there. That doesn't obviously happen overnight, but like, um, this could have easily gone in the opposite direction and you really, you are an inspiration to so many people. Thank you, it's possible, you can do it.
Speaker 1:I appreciate that a lot because this has been a wild moment and I know like there were people that were cheering for me from like back in my like younger years and they were like, okay, you know, she had a baby, really young, let's like root for her and it seemed like I was doing good. Like you know, I did college, I opened up my businesses. I was killing it and then to just like nosedive as quickly as I did and just like kind of take it for a spin, I think really shocked a lot of people and hurt a lot of people. I I didn't realize that, like you know, even having an OnlyFans like how many people that hurts, because they don't want to see you hurting yourself, you know, and so yeah, I mean, it's a hard.
Speaker 2:I think that kind of going back to what I was saying about like the things, what you're born into, the things that happen to you, versus like what you choose. I think, like, ultimately, you know you, you your responsibility is what you chose, but at the same time, like you're also a product of like a lot of things that a lot of people either don't go through or don't go through at that young, like, everything that you accomplished when you were young is amazing, but there's a lot of of psychological things to figure out before you're 26. Like no, I don't want to like say that this is the reason, but at the same time, like because when I was 18 up until 26, I thought I knew everything, I thought I was making great decisions for my life, but at the same time, our brains aren't fully formed. So you made a lot of life decisions, a lot of accomplishments, a lot of crazy shit happened to you before you were 26, before you were fully, even, just like your brain was fully developed.
Speaker 2:You, you know, like there are a lot of factors, um, and, and I feel like in so many ways, you were a product of your environment, um, for better or for worse, but you pulled yourself out of it and that is the most important thing, um, for yourself, for your daughter, for everybody around you, for everybody rooting for you. That in itself is an accomplishment. I mean, the first 26 years of your life were fully loaded. So you know, it's all a process and I'm glad that you are where you're at.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that and I'm happy, you know, as loaded as my first 26 years were, I'm happy that I'm not spending the next 26 still loaded. Yeah, that's a percent. I'm like sorting, sorting stuff out, and I feel a lot calmer and like more at peace, which is nice. Yeah, it's very odd, though I feel like I've like kind of like I don't know, I've lived like a hundred lives and I'm you have, you have, yeah, yeah, no, I really. You know, I saw a to do list and I was like oh, all of it, got it.
Speaker 2:Check them all. Yeah, yeah. But definitely jokes aside, I'm super happy that you came on the podcast and told Thank you.
Speaker 1:Your version, not your version, your truth, well, thank you, because, ultimately, like and there is obviously just because this is my version, and like I know that somebody's truth doesn't mean that somebody else's truth is a lie. So like, even if my truth contradicts somebody else's, it doesn't mean hers is a lie either. We have different opinions and perspectives, and I know that we see these, these, like this whole situation, from very different lenses. I just like I really think that if there was like one thing I could do, I would really love if me and Melanie could just never talk about each other again and like leave each other alone. And like I send her genuine love and I really do hope the best for her and Prince, like with every single fiber of my being.
Speaker 1:Like I truly understand, from my point of view, what it's like to go through something similar to that, and I am so sorry. And like if there was anything I could ever do, like listen to her or be there for her, I would love to. I don't want us to be like going at each other, though, and like trying to tear each other down. The world is hard enough without us like trying to attack each other, and that's not what I think is like productive at all. Like Aaron, touched both of our lives and changed the like course of both of our lives forever, and I don't think there's any need for like hatred towards each other.
Speaker 2:It's so redundant and just like stupid, in my opinion yeah, well, I think you also touched on a really important thing, which is the fact that, um, regardless if something is factual or right, when somebody experiences something, the way that they're processing it doesn't mean that it's not true.
Speaker 2:It's their truth like you're saying right, um, the emotions that they get from what they're experiencing no matter if it's factual or not is real. They're feeling all of those feelings, um, they're going through everything that they're going through. It doesn't make that not valid, um, it doesn't make it right or wrong either, but it is something that feels very real, um, and something that you have to to work through, learn from, celebrate, depending on what it is. It's not always bad things, but, like, ultimately, your version of it, it's. It's not that, it's not that it doesn't matter, because you, you are feeling I'm being redundant now, but do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:It's like you know, everybody has their own process, um, and I think that's what makes a lot of situations like this really difficult, which I'm basically repeating what you're saying but ultimately, like that different perspective, it changes, it changes everything and it will affect her life, it'll affect Prince's life, it's affected your life and it's just kind of what you do with it. So I hope all of those things too, I hope that it's it's less of like a agree to disagree, cause I don't think that that's what needs to happen. I think it's just things need to be, just needs to kind of be what it is, and work on yourselves and move forward. Um yeah, and I hope that too. I hope that for both of you. Thank you, I really do appreciate you coming on the show and sharing what you shared, and you're an inspiration to me.
Speaker 2:You're an inspiration to everybody who listens to this, and I think what you've talked about is applicable in everybody's life, regardless if their journey is similar or not. Everything, everyone can learn from the lessons that you've learned about yourself.
Speaker 1:So thank you for that. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:Thank you for coming on. I just love talking.
Speaker 2:Why do you think I started a podcast? I love talking too.
Speaker 1:Thanks for having me Bye.