S2E2: Ya Can't Change What Ya Can't See - Self-Awareness

You can’t fix what you refuse to notice and most of us are moving too fast to see ourselves clearly. Season two starts with a small, powerful skill that changes how we handle stress, conflict, and burnout: self-awareness. We’re not here to spiral with the headlines or pretend everything is fine. We’re here to get grounded, put our own oxygen masks on first, and take the next right step with more clarity.

We talk about what life chaos does to real people: freezing, snapping, people pleasing, numbing out, blaming, or going silent and white-knuckling it alone. Jodi shares what it feels like to realize she’s spent a lifetime making choices for everyone else, and why the first chance to ask “What do I want?” can be strangely painful. Sherry opens up about the wake-up call that came when the wheels fell off, and how self-sabotage can hide inside “healthy” routines until we finally zoom out.

We also break down the two sides of self-awareness: the internal lens (what I feel) and the external lens (how I impact others). That second lens matters in relationships and it matters with kids, who absorb our tone, our energy, and our reactions even when we think they don’t notice. Then we bring it into everyday life, from clenched jaws and tight fists to doomscrolling and rage bait, and we leave you with a simple practice: notice, don’t fix.

If you want more emotional regulation, healthier boundaries, and steadier decisions, hit play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who’s feeling stretched thin, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

Cold Open: I Can't Do It

Jodi 0:00

It's the first fricking time in my life, I can think about just what I want I, I can't do it. I'm not ready. I can't do it yet.

Sherry 0:10

What if the thing standing between you and the life you want, is something you can't even see yet? So here we go.

Jodi 0:20

Wow, we're doing season two. Holy shit.

Sherry 0:24

We did it. This is it, our second season. Jody, you were thinking back to what we explored in season one and looking at what we're gonna talk about in season two. And we kicked off season one with choosing better over staying bitter.

Jodi 0:41

Yeah.

Sherry 0:42

Life throws all kinds of potholes and shit like that. Some are

Jodi 0:47

Oh yeah.

Season Two And Better Over Bitter

Sherry 0:48

like minor bumps, but other things are those big sinkholes, that big unexpected life chaos that creeps up outta nowhere. So last season we talked a lot about resilience and, choosing to work on getting better rather than staying bitter while navigating hard things but you know when life falls apart, most people aren't thinking about growing. Most of us aren't thinking about that when shit goes sour. Most people freeze. We fight, we run away. We try to fix everything. We spiral or keep busy. Sometimes give up, pretend it's fine, or stuff it down, slap on a smile and keep moving. We numb out with the phone, the food, the wine, whatever makes the feelings stop. We point fingers. We find someone or something to blame so we don't have to look at ourselves or we disappear. We go quiet and white knuckle it all alone.

Jodi 1:59

Right now maybe just trying to hold it together.

Sherry 2:03

The world feels uncertain. Life feels heavy, and sometimes just getting through is enough.

Jodi 2:10

We need to remember to ground ourselves.

Sherry 2:14

And that's why we're not going to spend our time here on this podcast circling the same fear, the same constant notifications, headlines, deciphering news sources, the same overwhelm. To be clear, not sticking our heads in the sand. Here we're choosing to put on our own oxygen masks first so that we can show up better for our lives, for the people around us and for what the next best step might be.

Jodi 2:43

Because nothing gets better if we're constantly depleted.

Why Self-Awareness Comes First

Sherry 2:47

But, sometimes, if we give ourself the chance to be still and get honest with ourselves and get curious about what the chaos is trying to tell us, that's a practice. And I try to remember that worry and fear keep anxiety near as a reminder that while we can't always control what's happening around us, there are things within reach that we can control. And I think that that starts with self-awareness. With just one thing... noticing. I think that something interesting happens when we do begin to notice our own reactions instead of staying stuck living inside of them. And that's what today's episode is going to be about kicking off season two with, self-awareness. Because when we're talking about not being stuck, you can't change what you can't see. But I don't wanna talk about it like this here's everything you should fix, you know, kind of way. Just learning to notice ourselves and be honest with ourselves.

Jodi 3:56

It is interesting that we're here for me personally, even, because I like to think that I'm pretty self-aware, but you can also take self-awareness to an extreme. And I have been really sort of snappy and short-tempered and angry and, I did my things that we talk about and started kind of trying to pay attention to where the hell it's coming from. And a lot of it has been more self-directed. I've been on this real hate myself kind of thing. I feel like I should be better than I am. But I've been feeling really stuck and I can't figure out why. And, it's just the Damnest thing. And I started thinking about this and I miss my parents and I love them and I know that they loved me, but my childhood was very chaotic and I don't wanna piss off family members, but there is some truth. Like you can love someone and still acknowledge the fact that a lot of problems and, and I grew up in a very chaotic and alcoholic type of environment, and I was a kid. I stopped being a kid. Before I should have been, right. So I was like the pseudo adult. And then I had my kids young. I went through a few marriages and a few divorces, always fixing the people around me, And I realized right now, it's the first fricking time in my life, I can think about just what I want I, I can't do it. I'm not ready. I can't do it yet. Because every single thing I've ever done has been about what's better for someone else.

Sherry 5:38

Yeah.

Jodi 5:38

I went through therapy and I did all the things and I acknowledged that I have this codependent tendency and it's normal way to be when you've grown up the way I've grown up. And I'm like, okay, it's all good. And through a lot of really tough stuff. I just kept working and going and succeeding and moving and moving and moving and moving. And now I'm like, well, I'm not really where I should be. And then I start getting into this thing like, I'm carrying an extra 20 ish pounds of weight on my body. I'm sluggish. I'm not as organized as I should be... and I start doing all this shit and I'm like, what is wrong with me? But I have to sit in it. I have to sit here and I have to be uncomfortable, but I need to make sure that'cause what I was doing until I realized what it was was being a little bit angry and a little bit not nice to people around me and I had to stop and think about why I was doing that.

Sherry 6:35

Well, and that's exactly why self-awareness matters. Right. You noticing your own reactions and understanding them, that's the spot where you begin to grow.

Jodi 6:46

Yeah. And I see it all around me. I'd see people snapping and being so nasty and reactionary. And I wanna tell everybody, just stop.

Sherry 6:56

Well, we can't tell people what to do. We can't tell anybody to just do anything. Yeah. You can't. I. You're never gonna be able to tell anyone to stop anything that's even harmful to themselves or anybody else. That has to come from within and it has to come from your own lived experience. But when it does happen, that is that is the change trajectory in someone's life once you start to take a look at yourself. so slowing down long enough to notice ourselves can feel like one more thing, but it's actually the thing that can start the change that makes the biggest difference. The way that it showed up in my life was when I realized that I had none, and it only happened when the wheels finally fell off. And I remember feeling completely stunned outta sorts and thinking, WTF? What just happened? How did I get here? What do I do now? And that was the first time that I really zoomed out and looked at how I had been living. I was going through the motions, kept on taking on more and more, never checking in with myself. I thought I was fine. I thought I was healthy. I, I exercise, I was doing the things, you know, and then meanwhile, I'm leaving a Pilates class and I'm chasing it with a cigarette and a latte, and somehow not seeing that as a problem. You wanna talk?

Jodi 8:35

yourself it wasn't a problem.

Sherry 8:37

Yeah. You wanna talk about self-sabotage?

Jodi 8:40

Well, we're in it. We just don't always see it.

Sherry 8:43

So true. We don't see it while we're in it and we tell ourselves all kinds of things. I had built up this habit of constantly taking on more and never truly considering myself. And I told myself it was because I was a good person. That's what you should do, because I showed up for everyone. But later I realized that some parts were really people pleasing and I was losing myself at the expense of everyone else and calling it healthy. And I do wanna be clear here. This isn't saying, it's not about not showing up for people.

Jodi 9:26

you can't show up for anyone if you're not showing up for yourself.

Sherry 9:31

Because we absolutely show up for people. We care and we support, but there's a difference between showing up and losing ourselves in the process.

Jodi 9:40

A hundred percent, and that's where that self-awareness really makes a huge difference.

Sherry 9:48

It does. Also, it's hard to pay attention to yourself when we're caught in our daily grind and routines. For me, even physically, my body was telling me things I wasn't paying attention to. I'd be driving and I noticed my fist balled up, my jaw clenched tight. There was no apparent immediate trigger and never once stopped and thought, girl, you better chill.

Jodi 10:16

The signs are there. You just become so disconnected from yourself, like you can't see them.

Sherry 10:22

But I think a lot of us just shoo that away and we, we live there in that space longer than we realize. And where the biggest awareness, I think, is realizing how unaware we've been and what we don't notice we repeat good or bad,

Jodi 10:43

Yeah, eventually, if we don't do something about it, it can show up medically and force us to pay attention just like it did for you, Sher.

Sherry 10:53

And so many others in so many ways, like just all the things

Two Lenses Of Self-Awareness

Jodi 10:57

many ways. So

The Ripple Effect On Kids

Sherry 10:58

all. Most people think that they're self aware, but they really aren't. Somewhere I read that research shows like only around 10% of people are truly self-aware, even though they may believe they are. But what you are saying is, it's a skill that's growing as you are learning to reflect on your life experiences, and noticing the patterns in your own behaviors and emotions. And that's the starting point. Where you go from there, who knows, but you're now aware of like your triggers and your emotions and what motivates you. And then the other part of it maybe kind of relates to what you were saying about family members. It's also self-awareness, they say has two lenses. There's internal that we talked about, and then external, which is how others experience us. I think most people struggle more with external self-awareness. I think that internal awareness does feel more familiar. Most people have some relationship with their own thoughts and feelings. We do live inside our own heads, and we at least think that we know what we're feeling and why. But, external awareness I think, requires something harder. Because it asks you to genuinely see yourself through someone else's eyes, not how you are intending to come across, but how you actually land with other people. And I really think that that requires a level of humility that most of us, honestly, we're just not there. So that's where the conflict lives, that trouble in our relationships. Someone can be really in touch with their own pain and still be completely blind to how our own behavior is affecting everyone else around. And I think that's a big component of the massive amount of dysfunction in relationships, families and us, just us. Because the tricky part is most of us think we already know, and we assume that because we are self-reflective internally, and because of that we think, well, we must come across the way that we want to. But I think that's where things go sideways. And, I think that when there's a lot of internal awareness without the external piece, that we can actually make things worse because we become really good at knowing about our own feelings while staying blind to how we might be impacting others. And that's a lot. And I think that's what we're seeing play out in relationships and I think that's what we're seeing play out online and, in all of the mess. We are all shooting for one perspective and not trying to gain any. We just keep going to the same places to hear the same things from the same people. And then I we're stuck. Because I don't know, we're so quick to point fingers. I don't mean we, I mean we collectively and families and whatever and relationships often tend to point fingers and, want to tell others what is wrong and not look within ourselves. And the thing that always keeps me grounded and keeps me remembering to check myself, is that our kids are all watching. Our kids are watching, and whether you're with being a parent, or just any, any adult kids are so incredibly aware and they are so much more aware, more than we realize. And it's, it's like you said, as adults. Yeah. We're just trying to survive sometimes we're just trying to get through the stressful moments, but the kids are watching anyway despite what might be going on that they're unaware of, you know, adult things that the kids don't need to know, but they know that something is. Yeah. So, what I'm wanting to say is that what we might see as us just barely hanging on or just trying to survive becomes a, a core memory to them when we lose our shit. And it's not because you, we meant it that way, but it's that they're experiencing the very same moment differently than we are. They notice our tone, they notice our energy, they notice our reactions, and those small patterns stick. And what you're saying about now, being aware of some things about childhood, you know, probably.

Jodi 15:52

Yeah.

Sherry 15:52

Again, parents at that time weren't thinking about, oh, I'm building a core memory here. Like that wasn't it? That wasn't it. You know, but with every generation, with every, passing time, we, we grow and we learn and we supposedly do better.

Jodi 16:13

Right.

Sherry 16:13

So self-awareness isn't only just about understanding ourselves, it's also realizing how our reactions ripple outward, and especially to the ones that we love most, who are going to be the ones that also see the worst of us. And that's a different lens to look through. When I was teaching, we used to have a, take, a male friend or family member to school day and.

Jodi 16:42

Great.

Sherry 16:43

I remember at times teachers getting really outta sorts and kind of worked up about the day and it was a lot of energy and emotion and I, I thought to myself, if we are presenting ourselves to kids the way that we would want our own kids to be treated, and you're doing that every single day, then what's the big deal about parents coming to sit in the classroom? Everyone wants their kids to be treated with dignity and respect.

Jodi 17:17

Yeah,

Sherry 17:18

to me it was like, okay, if I'm, if I'm doing those things.

Jodi 17:22

And it doesn't matter who's in front of you.

Sherry 17:24

it doesn't matter who's there. Yeah. I, I always led with that. I led the day with that in my mindset. But it made me look at myself as a teacher and I was more aware moving forward.

Jodi 17:40

Yeah, it's not a performance, it's real.

Sherry 17:43

Right. And speaking of those real moments, and I'm not throwing shade at this mom, I'm saying this is the type of moment we're talking about. It was at a cheer competition, and the mom, she was losing her shit, and we're talking about like the kids watching and having the very same experience completely different ways. The mom was having a complete meltdown right in the middle of the floor going into the cheer comp, just completely frazzled. And, who knows what was going on in the background that contributed to all of that, but, the child was probably excited about her comp. That might be what she remembers that day. But what I hope that she really, I hope maybe that she and the mom and everyone there saw... the reaction of some of the other moms around who came to her support in the most beautiful way, in the most calm, what can I do to help you sort of way.

Jodi 18:52

That's pretty fantastic.

Sherry 18:53

Yeah, everybody has those moments, but it's when you repeat them and you can't see your own patterns,

Jodi 19:00

Great.

Sherry 19:01

is the, is the problem.

Jodi 19:04

I don't think any single person out there can say

Sherry 19:07

Yeah.

Notice Without Shame Or Perfection

Jodi 19:08

Never had a moment, a breakdown, a meltdown. Even if it's a quick one. They're gonna happen. And I mean, happens. You get mad, somebody cut you off, you flip'em off, you flip out, you get mad are gonna go, okay, what did I do that for? Why was I that angry? You know? And, and you back up and you, you start to look at it and, and you, I, the nice thing is that when you start learning how to look inward and you start to look at it, you really do stop. I used to be a terrible road rage person. Honestly, I was just an absolute terror. But since I did start really shifting and thinking about it, i'm like, you know what? I'm gonna get where I'm going as long as I keep my head cool.

Sherry 19:52

Right.

Jodi 19:52

It's never about perfection. You notice how you're showing up, period.

Sherry 19:57

Right. Really, self-awareness isn't making yourself feel guilty for those times. It's noticing the patterns and understanding how they affect your energy and your focus and what you can do to, preempt for next time to do better.

Jodi 20:18

Yes, but also don't take it too far because sometimes you can get to that point where you become self-aware to the point where your self-awareness isn't really awareness. It's more like you're self bashing. Sometimes I'll overcorrect and I'll be so aware that I'm afraid to speak or act or think because I'm like,

Sherry 20:42

Right,

Jodi 20:43

am I this terrible person? Am I, am I projecting outward what I'm feeling inward? So be aware, but give yourself grace.

Sherry 20:52

I like to look at it as checking the rear view mirror while you're driving, you're there in the present driving your car, and most of your attention is what's ahead, right? Your responsibilities, your decisions, your problems. But every so often, you kind of take a glance back, not to stay or live there, but see what's behind us and how it might affect what's ahead.

Jodi 21:17

in seasons like this, the goal isn't going to be to react to everything. to stay steady, to stay grounded. That's where better decision making happens.

Sherry 21:29

And we want this to be a space for that, a space to come back to yourself. To focus on tools, perspective, and small, meaningful ways to move forward.

Jodi 21:42

Instead of getting stuck in everything, you can't control, because when we start with ourselves, we're better able to move through the world with intention, with clarity, and with calm rather than overwhelm.

Sherry 21:57

And self-awareness works the same way. It's noticing those things but just long enough to understand them and then make some adjustments. The thing to remember, is that you're not aiming for perfection.

Jodi 22:13

Right, right.

Scrolling, Rage Bait, And Body Signals

Sherry 22:13

It's just noticing. That's all it is. I think another place that self-awareness plays a huge role today is how we use social media and spend our time. It's easy to scroll and a post pops up, we react emotionally and often it's with anger, sometimes anxiety, and then we move on and we don't, often notice it, but your subconscious doesn't forget and that stays with you. Is the post moving something positive or is it just rage bait?

Jodi 22:48

And, aside from even the rage bait, I've noticed when you look at a lot of my feeds, it, a lot of it is, about health and wellness and, and all kind of good stuff, right. But even at that, if I don't pay attention, I sit there and I scroll longer than I should. I start to feel down. I start to feel less like me. And when I force myself to walk away, or I have days where I'm so busy that I don't even have time to pick up the phone and scroll. feel better. And it's like the more you scroll, the more you scroll, the more you scroll. And it's like you've really gotta catch yourself.

Sherry 23:25

Yep.

Jodi 23:25

because we're human beings. We're not meant to do this.

Sherry 23:29

And that's part of self-awareness.

Jodi 23:31

But that's important to talk about so it's not just being self-aware on the big things, but be aware of how you're showing up every day, right? A little morning meditation, things like that I do think really help kind of set that intention so that when you go on autopilot, which we talked about last season, you're not being self-aware then, and, and it, it's in little things. It's noticing how many times you're clicking. It's noticing how you can get hooked into something that maybe isn't the best thing for you. Noticing how you feel, right? An important part of, of self-awareness is pay attention. How's your belly feel when you're doing something? How's your, your breathing feel when you're in certain situations or you're around certain people because your body will give you cues and let you know when you're doing something that isn't healthy for you. It could be something smaller, it could be something big, but.

Sherry 24:25

Right.

Jodi 24:25

If you're paying attention, you'll get the cues.

Sherry 24:28

Yeah. And I'm glad you shared the story earlier about almost obsessing about it and. That's one thing I wanna highlight, that that self-awareness doesn't mean that we always get it right. Nobody, no one's, you're not living life. If you get it right all the time, it's gonna be pretty dull, but sometimes awareness comes later and that counts. And it reminds us that one thing is true for all of us though, and that is that you cannot change what you don't notice. And growth starts with simply paying attention.

Jodi 25:07

And, sometimes you will start to grow and then you go backwards and then you go forward again. And what is, what is that quote? That's not a disaster. It's a chacha.

Sherry 25:17

Yeah.

Jodi 25:17

Taking two steps forward and one step back or the other way around, I think it might be.

Try Noticing Instead Of Fixing

Sherry 25:24

That's it. After the noticing, it's a layer. Life is built one layer at a time. So maybe getting through a, a rough spot, maybe getting better instead of bitter doesn't start with that one big life decision. It's just the noticing- noticing our reactions, noticing our patterns, and noticing the moments that challenge us. This week, try noticing, not fixing, not analyzing, just noticing when you feel yourself tensing up, snapping, going quiet. Pause for just a second and ask yourself, where is this actually coming from? Because that one honest question can be where it all starts, the shift.

Jodi 26:10

Notice them without judgement. Just notice.

Signup, Resources, And Safety Note

Sherry 26:13

Yes. Yep. When we look at ourselves honestly, even after the moment has passed, when we realize maybe we weren't at our best that day or in that moment, you're creating the space to grow. And we mentioned earlier those small moments of awareness begin to ripple outward, and that shapes how we show up in life for our families and online and in the bigger world. So last season we talked about choosing to get better over bitter. In this season, we're starting even smaller with awareness. Again, noticing what we feel, noticing our patterns, and noticing the moments that challenge us and how we respond rather than react to them. And because noticing ourselves is often where the real growth is, and that's really what we want this show to be about is growth that happens in real life because... This is it. sign up for our email list at the link in the show notes, or by visiting thrivingyinzers.com.

Jodi 27:26

Sign up so you can be the first to know about all the things going on behind the scenes and special offers just for you. As our first thank you, we will send you our#4WINS4YINZ tracker, so that you can keep track of the things that are going right, because that matters.

Sherry 27:44

Before we go a quick note. This podcast is meant to be informational and inspirational, but it is not a substitute for professional advice. We are not licensed therapists or medical professionals, and what we share here comes from personal experience only. If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out to someone trained to help. And if you're in crisis, you can call or text 988 The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It is available 24-7.