S2E5 Don't be a Jagoff and Don’t Let One Run Your Life

Emotional Regulation: Working With Your Emotions, Not Against Them

Somebody blows up, shuts down, or flips the story so fast you end up apologizing and wondering what just happened. We start there, but we don’t stay there, because the real leverage point is what we do with our own emotions first. We talk about emotional regulation as a learnable skill, why emotions are signals not threats, and how a small pause can keep a hard moment from becoming collateral damage.

Anger gets a special spotlight. We break down how anger can show up as lashing out, simmering bitterness, or something surprisingly useful: purposeful information. When you ask, “What is this actually telling me?” you often find a boundary that got crossed, a value that matters, or a change you’ve been avoiding. From there we get practical about communication, including why “you always” shuts people down and how “I need…” can lower the temperature without making you smaller.

Then we switch gears to the people who make it harder: emotionally immature coworkers, family members, partners, or friends who offload discomfort onto everyone around them. We share ways to stop feeding the fire, table conversations when the moment is not the moment, and set boundaries you can actually hold. We also zoom out to leadership and workplace culture, where mental health is increasingly treated as part of safety, performance, and retention, not a nice-to-have perk.

If any of this hits close to home, check the resources in the show notes, share this with someone and subscribe so you don’t miss what's next. 

Tools to Strengthen Emotional Regulation

• Headspace — Guided meditation, breathing exercises, and stress management https://www.headspace.com
• Calm — Meditation, sleep, and daily mindfulness https://www.calm.com
• Insight Timer — Free meditations and mindfulness tools https://insighttimer.com
• How We Feel — Free emotion tracking and journaling app built with psychologists     https://howwefeel.org

Finding a Therapist

• Psychology Today Therapist Finder — Pittsburgh — Search by insurance, specialty, and location
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/pa/pittsburgh

Local Pittsburgh Support

• NAMI Keystone Pennsylvania — Free peer support groups, education programs, and mental health resources for individuals and families across the Pittsburgh region   https://www.namikeystonepa.org
• Allegheny County Behavioral Health Resources — County-level support and referral directory  https://www.alleghenycounty.us/human-services/programs-services/behavioral-health

A NOTE TO CARRY WITH YOU

Start where you are. Do what you can. Notice the difference it makes. Every small choice compounds. You don't have to fix everything today — you just have to take the next small step.We're right here with you, learning, reflecting, and growing. This is it.       thrivingyinzers.com  |  Fill your life tackle box.

Transcript

Why Emotions Feel So Loud

Sherry 0:00

You ever deal with someone who makes everything harder, blows up, shuts down, flips the script so fast, you're suddenly apologizing for something and you don't even know why? There's a word for that. And it's probably not you. That's what we're talking about today. But before we get there, we need to talk about our own side of the street first.

Sherry 0:28

In the first couple episodes, we focused on self-awareness and agency, really noticing our own thought patterns and taking control of what's in our own power while letting go of what isn't. And today we're building on that foundation with something that we all face - emotions. How we handle them and how we stay steady, even when life gets complicated, because how we handle them can change so much about the direction that we're heading in and ultimately where we end up. And for me, remembering that emotions are a signal is what keeps me steady when shit goes haywire. Or asking, what is this telling me? And remembering that signal is what keeps me from trying to hide them away because that's where the trouble is.

Emotions As Data Not Danger

Jodi 1:20

Right. Emotions can lift us up or knock us off course. Emotional regulations about noticing how we feel, choosing our responses instead of letting emotions sweep us away and cause chaos.

Sherry 1:32

And really, it's a skill that we can practice and strengthen. And personally, the more I've practiced, the easier it gets. And I think that it's important to really practice noticing when emotions are taking over during the small things so that when the bigger problems show up, you're a little better prepared to self-regulate. It's how you notice when your emotions are starting to run the show.

Jodi 2:05

So for me, just naming it, and a lot of times for me, it's anger. And I can feel it creeping in, right? You get that heat creeping up your neck. And I'll stop myself. And I think, where is it coming from? Why am I angry? What am I really mad about? And just stopping and doing that gives me a second to think a little bit more thoughtfully before I respond.

Sherry 2:32

Yeah, and we're gonna talk about this later on in the episode. A lot of times we think that anger is something, oh, we shouldn't be angry, you know, we need to push that aside. And that's not necessarily true. Because, like I just said, it's a signal about something. And like you're asking, what is this really trying to tell me? But we're gonna go like a little deeper into that further in the episode. So I'm glad you brought that up. Because emotional regulation is our ability to manage our stress and our frustration and those sometimes intense feelings, but like you said, without letting them take over. Exactly. It's not ignoring those emotions or sweeping it under the carpet and pretending everything's fine, but it's that noticing first and then responding thoughtfully.

Speaker 3:19

Yeah, our emotions aren't something to be afraid of or push down, right? They're signals, they're they're our helpers. So when we handle our emotions well, then it supports our relationships, our focus, our motivation. And I think that it's really important to think of it that way. Think of it like your emotions are there to actually support you.

Jodi 3:41

Yep.

Sherry 3:41

And we talked about agency, and it's it's our responsibility to handle our own emotions when it comes to the people around us. In our first couple episodes, we talked about self-awareness, which was noticing what we're feeling, and agency giving us the power to respond rather than react automatically. But man, some stuff can just set you off. And we don't want to skip past that right.

Jodi 4:07

And and I mean, anger gets treated that way a lot, right? Like it's something, oh, breathe, release, or go to anger management because you shouldn't be angry. But it's still a really seriously useful tool to have once you know how to utilize that.

Turning Anger Into Purpose

Sherry 4:20

Right. And it starts with being willing to listen to it before you react to it. That's the catch, and that's where most of us fall out a lot. It's okay to get pissed off. It's okay to get pissed off. The question really is whether we're using it as a signal for a change for the better, or as an excuse for our own destructive behaviors. And that's again something to sit with. But remembering that anger exists on a spectrum, like many things. And on one end, you have the super destructive version, the lashing out, saying things you can't take back, burning it down, fuck around, find out, you know. And then on the other end, you have the suck version, the bitterness, the rumination, carrying something for weeks and feeding that more than processing it.

Jodi 5:19

And then there's that third place where the anger becomes purposeful. I mean, sometimes just saying out loud, I'm really angry, I'm really pissed off right now. Just saying it out loud takes my temperature down a bit.

Sherry 5:35

Yeah. Yeah. And in that moment, it's okay to say, this really fucking sucks.

Jodi 5:39

Right. Because it probably fucking sucks.

Sherry 5:42

Yeah. But it's then taking that anger and remembering that it's a signal for purposeful action, but not in some unhinged reactionary kind of way. You know, that's the the difference between anger keeping me stuck and anger redirected into something purposeful, usually comes down to one question, and that's the one you already said, which is what is this actually telling me?

Jodi 6:11

Right. Because you don't get pissed about things you don't care about. So when anger shows up and it really shows up, it's almost always pointing at something you value, a boundary that got crossed, something that felt deeply unfair, something that's been ignored for too long.

Sherry 6:27

And even that is really actually useful information. Something to ask about. Like, what is it that specifically crossed the line? And what do I actually need in that situation that I haven't been getting? What have I been tolerating? What are my options?

Jodi 6:48

Those answers tell you something about what needs to change, and that's where anger stops being something that's happening to you and starts being something you can work with. And there's a difference between anger talking and you talking.

Speak From Needs Not Blame

Sherry 7:00

Yeah. Speaking and anger, I think sounds like you're such an asshole, you know. And speaking from it sounds like we need to figure this out. And the other thing is lead with I, not you. Because every time there's a you statement, you did this, you always, you know, fill in the blank, you're raising the temperature immediately, and then that's shutting down the communication. Because the second somebody hears those words, you always, you never, your natural human inclination is to stop listening and start defending. But when you say, I need this to stop, I need to feel like I'm being heard, I need us to actually deal with this. You are still saying that hard thing, but now you're saying it in a way that's about what you really need instead of what they did wrong. And that's the difference between starting a fight and starting a conversation. And it's woven throughout, I think, everything now. Personal relationships and bigger world relationships. It's the leading with you. We're raising the temperature, and therefore we can't come to any sort of conclusion because we're immediately putting the other side on the defensive.

Jodi 8:29

When someone else does something to you, and you act immediately in anger, you just gave them your power. Yeah. So there's also a certain level of power with that agency of stepping back and saying, I'm not gonna be provoked, I'm gonna think about this. Why did that make me angry? And and granted, in the moment, it's sometimes impossible. And I mean, we've all done it. I've really gone off. Hell, I've been in fist fights. So it's not like I haven't messed up, but I've learned from all of it. Well, it's hard. I don't want to give my power away. I want to be in a place where I feel like I have solid footing. Yeah, and I can't be in that place if I'm letting everything make me angry. It is hard. And how many times, too, do we get angry? I mean, I know this is me a hundred percent. I will get angry about something that someone has done, but in the reality, in the truth, I have never voiced or let that person know that what they're doing isn't okay with me.

Sherry 9:42

So how the hell are you supposed to know? Right? Right. So now it's that comes back to communication, really. 100% really. But we let it do to bitterness, and that bitterness feels like power, but it's actually taking our power away, like you said, and you're not getting anywhere, you're giving it away. And I mean, I don't know, that really changes things. It changed a lot for me. It led me down a completely new path because the one that I was on was honestly suffocating me. I had to get mad. Yeah, because there your anger is letting you know something's not okay, right? Like something's not okay, and what are you gonna do next? You can smash something, are you gonna stomp your feet? Or are you gonna stand up and say, Okay, how do I fix this? What's my next move? It's that anger that says, this isn't okay, and back to that agency that answers that's saying, okay, what are we doing about it? And it's that conversation between those two things.

When Anger Signals Something Deeper

Sherry 10:50

That's where things can actually shift. Listen, I'm not just talking about your argument at home or a coworker who set you off or a family member. Look around. We're doing this everywhere right now, everywhere, and we're trying to solve problems through anger, which again, the anger is a signal, but then we can't let it be driven by the bitterness because we're not getting anywhere that way. So again, leading with you always, you never, you people, pointing fingers across tables, across screens, across whatever line that we decided divides us this week, and nobody's listening anymore. And it's not because the anger isn't real. Oh, it is. But we've turned the volume up so freaking loud that all anyone can do is cover their ears and yell back or go to dark places. And that's why it starts here with us.

Jodi 11:58

Sure. One thing I really want to point out too is if you're in a situation where you find yourself, this is this happened to me personally. I was angry all the time. And I was just so reactionary and so angry, and just felt like I was always ready to just explode. I felt like a pressure cooker, and that is not my normal state at all in any way, shape, or form. And I did finally bring it up to my doctor who pointed out that is an indicator of some clinical depression showing up. So, again, that anger taught me something about myself, and we can't control what everybody else does with their anger. We can't control what everybody else does. But where the change is, where it starts, is right here.

Sherry 12:46

It's what we do with that. Right. I think many of us are in a place that's not our normal place right now, just because of the state of everything. Everything. But that's why we talked about agency before we got into this episode, because there are small steps to take. So that's what we're saying is emotional regulation is our own responsibility.

Jodi 13:11

Yeah. Nobody else can do it for us. But that's empowering because it means we can practice and improve over time. I could have very easily ignored the fact that I was running around like a pressure cooker and snapping at everybody that came in my sights and just rolled with it. But I didn't want to live like that. So part of that practice and improving over time is in your small daily choices, practicing, responding instead of reacting. You know, if you need to reach out and find someone to talk about it professionally, do it. Take a walk instead of fighting with your spouse or yelling at your kids. There's so many different things we can do to take the reins. And it is a tricky switch to flip.

Pauses Grounding And Tiny Practices

Sherry 13:40

Yeah. It is. But the more that you do practice it, the easier it becomes to respond calmly in a meaningful way rather than just go off. And that eventually helps improve the situation. At least that's how I experienced it. And I'll share some practical ways. And, you know, if it hits for you, give it a try. If not, don't. Um, but learning to pause before responding. And Jody, you said this earlier, labeling your emotions. I feel this, I feel frustrated, I'm anxious. And grounding yourself. Okay, this was really hard for me. Learning breathing techniques and things like that, walking, journaling, and just noticing your surroundings. This was so foreign to me whenever I first got on that path. And I I think I talked about this in the last season a bit when somebody suggested meditation to me, and I just got really freaking mad. I was just, you know, whatever. Um so appreciative now of that friend, but I really had to reset to learn to notice those things and to learn grounding techniques and to um to let it settle in that, oh, this shit does help, you know. And one of the silliest little things that I still do way back from six years ago, when I was in a um a love your brain yoga, it was uh for head injuries, yoga for head injuries, and we would talk afterwards, and one of the other participants shared something, and it's just peace begins with me. When you feel that anxiety ticking up, whether it's in the car, I used it in the ER once when my mom went there. When you feel like you're out of body, I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for, but peace begins with me, and I know that, and that technique helps, right?

Jodi 16:03

And and even that small pause changes everything.

Sherry 16:06

So when you take that pause, Yeah, that's what it's actually doing, right?

Speaker 16:11

Yeah, yep. And it's like you and everybody can find the thing, and sometimes you'll find that phrase without even looking for it, and that's the great thing about starting to be aware.

Sherry 16:24

Yeah, there's a little motion to it, like you touch each finger to your thumb with each word, like peace begins with me, and it grounds you. I don't know, it just does something weird.

Jodi 16:36

Well, and honestly, even just doing that finger touch, you can do that without even saying and just take a breath each time. And it actually it sounds I, I know like you, the first few times I heard some of these tips, I was like, oh brother. Yeah, yep.

Sherry 16:53

It really does actually work. Me too. So it really does. But I find that it helps me respond with clarity instead of reacting out of habit or defensiveness. Like you said, it's that pause.

Jodi 17:10

Right, and that's the key. Progress matters more than perfection. Any small step compound over time.

Sherry 17:18

Yep. That's the power of compounding. We say that a lot, but it's true. It's true. True with money, it's true with small steps, everything.

Jodi 17:30

Yep. I mean, is if something feels too hard, the first step's not small enough. That's right. Yep.

Dealing With Emotionally Immature People

Sherry 17:41

So switching gears a little bit, once we start practicing emotional regulation for ourselves, then another challenge comes into play. And that is interacting with people who struggle to manage their own emotions. And it's one thing to notice and respond to your own feelings, but what do you do when someone else's reaction threatens to pull you off course?

Jodi 18:04

We can't control how others feel or react, but we can control how we respond and protect our own energy. So let's talk about what that looks like.

Sherry 18:14

Oh, so we're talking about the Jaguffs? And I don't mean that lightly. I mean the people in your life who, no matter what you do, seem to make everything harder. They blow up, shut down, blame everybody else, flip the script so fast that you're apologizing for something they did.

Jodi 18:35

And what makes that tricky is that these people aren't always strangers. Sometimes it's a coworker, sometimes it's somebody at your Thanksgiving table, sometimes it's somebody you grew up with, or somebody you love, and you just can't get through.

Sherry 18:50

And that's why you can't just cut and run every time someone pushes your buttons, or I mean, sometimes, yeah, sometimes you absolutely should. I want to be clear about that when it comes to matters of safety, and we need to address that. But most of the time, you have to figure out how to exist in the same space without losing yourself in the process.

Jodi 19:12

Well, part of that is is how you take your power back too, right? I kind of talked about sometimes when you see somebody who's just chronically angry and they can't see it for themselves. I know ever since I had that experience with my own doctor, I have a little bit more compassion when I see somebody like that. So the people around me that I just see so angry and so caught up in it, I'm starting to learn that that's that's them. That doesn't have to be me. And sometimes, and this isn't everybody, but I had a situation where I was in a relationship with a very angry person. And every single time I just took a step back and I didn't respond, over time it got easier and easier, and that anger stopped coming my way because I just wasn't participating. Like we do choose to participate or not. Yeah.

Sherry 20:20

So we're talking about emotional immaturity, really. And I think you're touching on some things that we need to make sure that we're saying because I think that people hear that phrase and they picture uh a full-blown meltdown, but it can be quieter than that a lot of the time. It's like you said, and then it can just be the person who always has a reason why nothing's ever their fault, and the one who takes any kind of feedback as a personal attack or goes cold and shuts the whole conversation down and can't get uncomfortable around things. Or yeah, the one who does blow up and then acts like nothing happened 20 minutes later and you're standing there, like what the hell just happened?

Jodi 21:04

Yeah. Emotionally immature people haven't developed the ability to sit with their own discomfort. So the second something feels threatening, even a little bit, they offload it onto you on the situation, whoever's closest to them. That's them. Doesn't have to be you.

Sherry 21:24

And when you're around that long enough, you start managing their emotions for them. You start walking on eggshells, you stop bringing things up because you already know how it's gonna go. And you do all this invisible labor just to keep the peace. And that's exhausting.

Jodi 21:42

It is. I lived that for a very, very long time. Exactly what you just said. That was my life for about 14 years. And that is the thing that I want people to really hear. Because the cost isn't just in the blowout moments, it's in that drain of constantly bracing for it. And I had people close to me in my life that said to me, I love you, but I don't know who you even are anymore. You're not recognizable to us. And that's a hard, that's a really hard, thing to hear.

Boundaries That You Actually Hold

Sherry 22:23

So what do you actually do because it's all over social media, set a boundary? And that sounds great. And I'm all for healthy boundaries. But when you're standing in front of someone who doesn't respect boundaries on a good day, what's that next little step that you always talk about?

Jodi 22:45

Right. The first thing is stop trying to win the argument because you're not going to.

Sherry 22:50

Right.

Jodi 22:50

There is no middle of it. And let's be real, most arguments aren't a win or lose, are they? It's just not, it's just not right. It's really not what it's about. You're not gonna outlogic somebody who's operating from pure emotion. It's like trying to have a conversation with somebody in the middle of the parkways east at rush hour. Nobody's hearing anything. And and again, and you you mentioned it, the higher the voices get, the less anyone's listening. I remember being a kid and having a teacher or a parent scream at me. And the minute somebody yells at me, I'm like, nope, I'm done. That's some human reaction.

Sherry 23:32

I love your Parkway East talk. That's the most Pittsburgh way to say it. And it's completely accurate because you're not getting through that, no, not right now. So what do you do?

Jodi 23:42

So you table it. You table it, not forever. You're not swallowing it. You're recognizing the moment is not the moment, and you stop feeding the fire. And that is really, truly powerful.

Sherry 23:56

Yeah. Stop feeding the fire because when you match their energy, you're not winning. You're just now you're both on fire. And guess who has to clean that up?

Jodi 24:07

Right. So and the phrase that we come back to all the time we can't control what they do, we can control what we bring into the room. And sometimes what we need to bring in the room is just less. Less engagement, less explanation, less trying to make someone understand something that they just probably aren't even ready to understand yet.

Sherry 24:29

And that really used to feel like losing to me. If I walked away or I stayed quiet, I was letting them get away with something. But eventually I realized I'm not here to teach everybody a lesson. I'm here to protect my own peace and keep moving.

Jodi 24:51

And that's where the boundary piece comes in. And let's be real about what a boundary actually is, because it does get thrown around a lot. It's not a punishment, it's not something you announce dramatically. It's what you will or won't do. And it can move, it doesn't have to be rigid. It's about protecting your own peace. I won't keep having this conversation as long as you're yelling. That's it. Simple, specific. Say it, follow through. The important thing is the follow through. So once you say it, mean it. Well, a boundary you don't hold isn't a boundary.

Sherry 25:26

Well, a boundary you don't hold isn't a boundary, it's just a suggestion. And people, when they realize they can't pull you into their chaos, they'll either adjust or they don't. But either way, you've stopped making yourself smaller to manage their feelings, and that's the whole point.

Jodi 25:40

It doesn't mean that you don't care about them. It just means you've stopped outsourcing your stability to someone who can't manage their own. And it's really about it's about caring and respecting yourself as well. And I do want to say when I left my last marriage, a lot of people saw some of my actions as me giving up and letting him win and all the things because I didn't go to court, I didn't fight for money, I just left. But that wasn't losing the argument and it wasn't giving in. It was realizing there was nothing else to fight about. I just wanted to move forward and I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to be a better version of myself. And all of the reasons behind the why or that he did this, and none of it mattered. And I did not see it at all as me giving up or losing a battle. What I saw was me just choosing myself.

Sherry 26:50

Thank you for sharing that, Jodi. I hope that it helps someone else a little if you find yourself surrounded by emotionally immature drag-offs.

Jodi 27:04

If you feel like you want some extra support or tools around this, there's a lot of good options. We have them listed out in our show notes.

Sherry 27:13

Just a handful of them. And before we close out, I want to talk about another situation.

Mental Health As Workplace Safety

Sherry 27:20

This doesn't just show up in personal areas, it's showing up in workplaces. And I think it's important to talk about because it's really significant. My son is a safety management major, and every industry now has a safety person. And part of that, more and more employers are actually building in mental health into their safety plans, not as some perk or checking off a box, but as an actual part of how they protect their people. And that shift is real and it matters. And that really means that this isn't just personal stuff anymore. Organizations are starting to recognize that emotional regulation or lack of it affects performance, retention, and safety, all of it. So if you're in a leadership role or you're advocating for better culture where you work, that's a conversation worth having. And if your workplace isn't there yet, this is the kind of language that can help move it.

Jodi 28:24

And again, for personal tools, mindfulness apps, stress management courses, therapy, coaching, all of it can help strengthen this skill. The key is seeking the support before emotions are unmanageable.

Sherry 28:38

And sometimes it's bigger than a breathing exercise can touch. And if anger or overwhelm is showing up in a way that's affecting your relationships, your work, or how you feel about yourself, that is worth paying attention to. And we've put some specific resources in the show notes, including some local Pittsburgh options. No judgment. Here's what we want you to walk away with today.

Key Takeaways And Support Options

Sherry 29:01

Emotions are signals, anger especially. It's not something that we're white knuckling our way through, reframing it as just information. The question is whether you're going to let it run you or work with it.

Jodi 29:19

And when it comes to the people in your life who make that harder, you don't have to fix them. You have to stop letting their chaos set the temperature in the room. Protect your own energy, hold your boundaries, and keep moving.

Sherry 29:35

So take a beat when you need to and ask yourself, where am I throwing fuel on the fire versus letting it light the way? And what's one small shift I can make instead of trying to burn shit down? Ask, how do I actually get somewhere from here? And that question alone can change a lot. So remember to put your energy where it matters.

Jodi 29:58

We're right here with you, learning, reflecting, and growing also. This is it.

Sherry 30:06

This podcast is meant to be informational and inspirational, but it is not a substitute for professional advice. We are not licensed therapists or medical professionals, and what we share here comes from personal experience only. If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out to someone trying to help. And if you're in crisis, you can call or text 988-58 crisis live. It is available 24-7.