S2E7 Still Becoming: You're Never Done, and That's the Best Part

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

We’re revisiting growth mindset and  the real question underneath it: do you still believe you’re becoming, or have you quietly stopped expecting more for yourself?

Sherry and Jodi talk through the difference between “I can’t” and “I can’t yet,” Michael Jordan walking away from basketball at the peak of his career, and how Fred Rogers turned a lonely, bullied childhood into a 33-year mission. This one ties together everything we’ve built this season: self-awareness, agency, emotional regulation, and now growth.

Growth mindset isn’t about being happy and pushing through with a smile. Growing is hard! There’s a reason they call them growing pains. But if you still have that whisper, even quietly buried underneath everything else that’s enough to start.

IN THIS EPISODE

•  Why growth starts to feel like it’s for other people and how to push back

•  The power of “not yet” and Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset

•  The difference between not quitting and actually growing

•  What we can learn from Michael Jordan

•  Fred Rogers showed us the Pittsburgh way of becoming more 

•  Why responsibility removes the comfort of blame and why that’s freeing

•  What growth mindset looks like in relationships

•  The whisper: “I did not survive this just to exist”

•  Why backward moments don’t mean you can’t move forward

THIS SEASON ON THIS IS IT!

◄ Previous episode: Dr. Leslie B. Newman: Positive Psychology & Emotional Regulation  https://www.buzzsprout.com/2452136/episodes/19376676

► Coming up next: Lori Karsch on Self-Compassion  and Grief 

RESOURCES & REFERENCES

Carol Dweck:  Growth Mindset Research

The researcher behind the concept of growth mindset. Her work on “not yet” is referenced in this episode, and her book is linked in our TY Toolkit.

Fred Rogers:  Pittsburgh Legacy

Fred Rogers planned to be a minister before pivoting to television, collaborating with child psychologists at Pitt, and building one of the most beloved shows in television history for 33 years! He made mistakes in front of children on purpose because he wanted them to see it.

•  Fred Rogers Center

John Maxwell — Quote Referenced

“Ideas have a short shelf life and you have to act on them before the expiration date.”

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TY Toolkit:

Looking for something specific we talked about on the show? Check the TY Toolkit for tools we actually recommend.

•  TY Toolkit at ThrivingYinzers.com

NEED SUPPORT?

This podcast is meant to be informational and inspirational, but it is not a substitute for professional advice. We are not licensed therapists or medical professionals, and what we share here comes from personal experience only.

If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out to someone trained to help.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline  —  Call or text 988, available 24/7

Resolve Crisis Services Pittsburgh  —  1-888-796-8226

Transcript

Do You Still Expect More

Sherry 0:00

Do you still believe there's more for you or have you quietly stopped expecting it? This is it. That one life. And we're talking about moving through all of it, making the most of it. Today we're revisiting something we touched on last season and it might make you roll your eyes a little because it has become a buzzword, but it is for good reason.

Jodi 0:32

Growth mindset.

Sherry 0:34

Yep. Some of yinz just groaned. I heard it.

Jodi 0:38

I did. You've heard it in a meeting. You've saw it on social media.

Sherry 0:43

Yep. And you probably had someone say it when they meant work harder. But in this conversation, we're setting that version aside because what we're actually going to talk about today is a question, and it is, do you believe that you are still becoming?

Jodi 0:58

And before we go any further, a quick reminder that we're just two yinzer ladies talking from lived experiences. If you need deeper support, please reach out to a qualified provider.

Sherry 1:10

Because at some point, many of us quietly make a decision. We decide who we are, we decide what we're capable of, and we decide what's possible for us, and those decisions become our limits and sometimes we just quietly stop there. But I wanna question what if we didn't? Why do we stop?

Jodi 1:32

Something that happens to a lot of us and it's different for everyone. Growth starts to feel like it's for other people. You have that stuck feeling.

Sherry 1:42

It's for other, someone other than yourself. Younger people, people with more time, money, resources, people who didn't have life getting in the way. And we start saying things like, either I should be further along by now or maybe it's too late for me to start over, or this is how my family did it, so this is how I'm gonna continue to do it, even if I'm unhappy, or this is just kind of how I am. In the last episode, Dr. Newman walked us through managing what's happening inside you in the moment. And so growth mindset is the next layer. Once you've got a handle on the feeling, growth mindset is what asks us, "Okay, now where do I go from here? I know I'm not there yet, but where do I go from here? And here's something I think is very real for a lot of people. Realizing and wanting more for yourself can start to feel like complaining. Like ingratitude or weakness. And really it's none of those things. Wanting to grow is really how you honor the life that you've been given. Does that sound familiar?

Jodi 3:00

I think it comes from two places. Fear. And something that looks like pride but isn't really, we don't wanna look like beginners again, because being a beginner feels like going backward.

Sherry 3:14

But here's what I've started to believe. I think that every new version of yourself, requires being a beginner at something. And the moment that you make peace with that, with that, "yet" something really shifts.

Jodi 3:32

Right. The "yet" is a small word, but it's a very big word.

Sherry 3:37

It really is, it's that Carol Dweck word we talked about last season. She's the researcher behind the growth mindset, but she talked about how much power is in the words "not yet," because it's the idea that you haven't failed, you just haven't gotten there yet.

Why We Stop Believing We Can

Sherry 3:55

And, it sounds simple, maybe even a little too simple, but think about what does happen in your body when you have that frustrated feeling, I can't do this, and when you make that little tweak to, "I can't do it yet," it's a big shift, and it's not an excuse, but it's not false hope either. It's just refusing to make a permanent decision about something that might still be in the works. That's a really big shift. Yeah.

Jodi 4:26

Yeah.

Sherry 4:27

So it's adjusting the timeline for yourself without letting you completely off the hook. And that's where it gets really real because at some point, sometimes, we may stop trying and that's at a point where we may have given up hope.

Jodi 4:42

Which is where a lot of people are living quietly, not starting.

Sherry 4:48

And that's why we're here today because we're all about filling our toolkit and growth mindset, while it is a concept grounded in real research, in real life, it's that something to grab onto when things do get hard. It's that agency that we talked about in previous episodes. Growth Mindset is giving you agency when hope starts to feel out of reach. It's like your bridge to a better place. This season, we've been asking some hard questions together about who are we when things do get difficult, and about whether we actually have a say in what happens next and about whether we're willing to own what comes next. And if you've been sitting with any of that, this is the one question that ties it all together. Do you still believe there's more for you or have you quietly stopped expecting it?

Jodi 5:47

It is uncomfortable. You may see the defensiveness, the avoidance, the tone.

Sherry 5:53

Yeah, especially because we, we talked about the self-awareness. If you have self-awareness without something to do with it, that sometimes turns into shame and you might become aware about something and then you might just wallow in it, which is not a good place to be.

Jodi 6:13

Right. Like you may recognize something and instead of feeling empowered, you feel exposed. Like, well, that's just how I am, or that's too bad. And that's where sometimes people stop.

Sherry 6:25

Yep. So that's why we then moved into agency in the way that we laid things out this season, because the idea that you may not be able to control what happens to you. But, you have more say in your response than it might feel like. And that one, I have found, hits differently the older you get because life does not tend to go according to plan. There's going to be health changes, relationships, strain, all sorts of unexpected things happening, and agency asks the question, okay, now what? This happened. This is happening . Now what? And then laying out your choices.

Jodi 7:11

Sometimes you don't love your options. Sometimes you don't like your choices, but you still have to, you have to play the hand you're dealt.

Sherry 7:20

Yep.

Jodi 7:20

And you're the one that gets to decide how you're gonna play that hand.

Sherry 7:24

Yeah. So you're speaking to the responsibility part of agency and that's owning the parts that are yours, like the tone. You set the tone, that's yours. My effort is mine, my tone is mine. What comes next on my path, is mine to own. And all of that to really say that your growth does tend to be your responsibility. Someone's not gonna come and walk you through it.

Jodi 7:54

Which is where people get stuck because responsibility..

Sherry 7:55

Exactly.

Jodi 7:57

removes the comfort of blame and it just doesn't tend to be your responsibility. Your growth is your responsibility.

Sherry 8:07

Yeah. But that's deep. But it is also very true. So again, the question we keep asking is, do you believe that you can still grow? Or have we quietly decided that this is just who we are? And that's growth mindset At its core. Because at its core it is the belief that you can grow. That's it. It's the belief that you can grow. Starting there. Because that effort and experience can actually change you. Growth mindset is the belief that you are still becoming, still here, still growing, still becoming, and it's really one of the most quietly powerful things that a person can decide about themselves. And remembering that the decision of who you are right now is not the

The Power Of Not Yet

Sherry 8:55

final version of you. And that little, that single belief, I can learn, I can change, I can grow, is what separates us from bouncing back or staying stuck, or actually bouncing forward. I really believe that.

Jodi 9:14

I do too.

Sherry 9:15

And every time we get on this topic, I, I think back to when we interviewed Dr. Kovatch. And we kept thinking, here's someone who's training for a triathlon, knowing very well, he might come in at least in the back of the pack. But he's still pushing, still asking, how do I, how do I build from the marathons before me? And that's someone who believes that he's still becoming, no matter.

Jodi 9:42

And he's still doing it.

Sherry 9:43

Yeah.

Jodi 9:43

And, the only difference between the person who succeeds at the thing and who doesn't is the one who believes they can do it and gets up and takes the first step. Right? I saw something, I wish I could remember where the quote was, but it was something to the effect of two people have the exact same idea at the exact same moment every day, and the only difference is between the one that actually moves on it.

Sherry 10:12

It's similar to a John Maxwell quote. He said it a little bit different way, that "ideas have a short shelf life and you have to act on them before the expiration date." And I think growth mindset is really about that, the gap between knowing and doing. Despite the age, you know, like he could have easily said.

Jodi 10:33

Sure, he could easily say, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I'm too old. I'm too old for this shit now. I can't do this anymore because I'm a certain age or whatever it is.

Sherry 10:43

And there are things that are realistic limitations, you know, when you get to a certain age, but there,

Jodi 10:50

But I see that as growth mindset too, right? I think to me, a person with a true growth mindset, maybe you do hit a certain age or like my knees giving out and I can't run anymore. And I've always been a runner and it's become serious now. What else can I do? I can still walk. Um, you know, maybe I have to find a different form of exercise that I like,

Sherry 11:15

Mm-hmm.

Jodi 11:16

Maybe I start to golf. You have to kind of look around and say, well, this is what I have. This is what's in front of you.

Sherry 11:22

Yep. That's your self-awareness.

Jodi 11:24

This is what I have to deal with. Now what can I do with it.

Sherry 11:26

Yeah, exactly.

Jodi 11:28

And there's where the growth kicks in, right.

Sherry 11:29

Yep. Yep. I mean, you can be 25 and stuck in that fixed mindset, you know?

Jodi 11:34

You can't spend your entire life blaming your situation on why you can't do something.

Sherry 11:41

That's a good example of maybe seeking support processing those things.

Jodi 11:46

Sure. It's not, cowardly to

Sherry 11:47

Yeah. The only way, out is through.

Jodi 11:48

to seek help.

Sherry 11:49

Mm-hmm. The only way forward is through.

Jodi 11:52

Yeah,

Sherry 11:53

Yeah. You can be young and stuck in sort of that fixed mindset, or you can be 74 and expanding. Our yinzer humans.... when I think about how that ties to what we're talking about and we know that we don't quit. That's not even a question, but there is a difference between not quitting and actually growing. It's making the decision to stay. That's the start. And then what do you do with it? That's where the becoming part happens. And. I just wanna throw in a quick nod to one of the best examples probably everybody already knows. Everybody knows Michael Jordan as a six time NBA champion, but sometimes people forget or maybe never knew that he was actually cut from his high school varsity basketball team. He was cut from the basketball team, but then he decided that that wasn't gonna be the end of his story, and that was the beginning of his growth because then from that time on, he outworked everyone around him. He practiced longer, pushed harder, and refused to let that one moment define his ceiling . There's the part of that story that I love even more because when he was at the absolute peak of his career, he already had, um, three championships. He walked away from professional basketball to play minor league baseball, and it wasn't because there was any situation that,

Agency Means Owning Your Next Step

Sherry 13:20

you know, created the need for him to do that. It was because he wanted to keep growing and he didn't see himself as above being a beginner again for three time, NBA champion at that point. He said, you know, I'm not above trying something new. And I just think that's really cool and I think that that's what a growth mindset really looks like in real life. It's choosing to be challenged whether or not you have to, and it's, it's such a big switch. That's why I brought it back again this season because that's how much of an impact that it had on my personal situations and I really think that it's very transformational. But if I wanna point to someone who lived a growth mindset in a very Pittsburgh way, it's Fred Rogers. He's the perfect Pittsburgh example because, and this wasn't about, yeah, and, and it was not about winning championships or building huge empires. It was about becoming more of who he felt he was called to be every single day. And that is the version of growth mindset where most of us actually do live. And we might not have been on television or anything like that, but all of that came to be because he started as a lonely and bullied kid, and he was shy, he was overweight, he was lonely, and he didn't let those experiences harden him. Instead he softened, and that's what became the drive behind everything he did in his work. And I remember reading. I think in his biography, that he took those fears and those insecurities and he turned them into his, I say superpower. But that's not something that happens automatically. A lot of us aren't just wired like that. It's a choice. And that's the mindset is remembering that it's a choice. But he kept reinventing.

Jodi 15:30

It doesn't come easy.

Sherry 15:31

No,

Jodi 15:32

You have to work it. Just like a muscle.

Sherry 15:33

no. Right. It doesn't, that's why I won't shut up about it. You know, I know it's annoying. I know. It's all over the place is a buzzword, but it, it is really, really key. It just is.

Jodi 15:44

And I think it's important to mention too that people picture this thing where, oh, these people with the growth mindset, it means they're always happy and they're pushing through with a smile. And that's just not it.

Sherry 15:54

Yep.

Jodi 15:55

. Growing is hard.

Sherry 15:57

Mm-hmm.

Jodi 15:57

If you think about, if you think about growth, it's hard. There's, there's something called growing pains and that means something. Growing pains are real.

Sherry 16:09

Yep, they are. And I think that's what he wanted kids to see was exactly what you're talking about. That making mistakes is part of learning. It's nothing to be ashamed of, that curiosity can matter more than being right. You know? And, I think the other piece of that, the other reason why I brought him up is because it's also about., I guess it goes back to the self-awareness thing, but like realizing when you might need to switch paths because he actually planned to be a minister. That was his path. But remember this is way back when television was just becoming a thing and people were in awe over it. But he didn't see it that way. He didn't see it with like a sense of wonder. He was really concerned because he thought it was being used to influence badly, which is so interesting in the season that we're in right now. And he thought that it could be, yeah. So he thought that it could be so much more. And so instead of staying on the path that he had planned out, he shifted and he taught himself an entirely new field. He collaborated with child psychologist at Pitt, and then he built what had never existed before. He came here to Pittsburgh with no, he had no job, no guarantee, no plan. And he created one of the most iconic beloved shows in television history and had it for 33 years because he believed deeply that he could learn what he didn't yet know. And then he modeled it on screen on purpose, and he made mistakes in front of children intentionally. It's like a fun thing to do as a teacher too, but he did it all the time because he wanted them to see it. So there's something in that for all of us, I think is what I'm trying to get at here. And it's not just about your ambitions. It's showing up for the people that you love and becoming your best self so that you can also give more. And I just wanna wrap up my little

Real Examples Of Becoming Again

Sherry 18:25

soapbox about Mr. Rogers with a quote that he always said, that ties right in to this. And it was that "anything that's human is mentionable and anything that's mentionable can be more manageable." And that's really growth mindset in a nutshell, it's the belief that your feelings, your struggles, and your hardest moments, none of them are final. None of them are final. They are workable and they are part of becoming. He was saying that to children because he wanted them to grow up believing in themselves from the very beginning. I needed to get that out.

Jodi 19:05

I think that sometimes too, you have to be prepared because, you start being different and you decide that you know you're going for thing that you want for yourself, and you may not have all the support around you that you want, or maybe people think they're being supportive and they're not. You may have people that kind of nudge you and say, oh, I don't know if you should do that, or maybe you can't really do that Or what are you thinking? And, and I think that it's really important to, to stand in your own truth. I think that part of having a growth mindset is also recognizing that there's gonna be hurdles and there may be obstacles and there may be people, even people closest to you saying what you don't want to hear, and it's okay. And no matter what other people's opinions are, you've gotta know that you're doing what's right for you. I think I've touched on it before, when I went through a divorce and I didn't really fight, I didn't go to court, I didn't battle for any kind of spousal support. That just didn't feel like the right fight. The right fight for me felt like concentrating on me and my own growth, not the why it happened. I wasn't interested in fighting anymore, but there were people around me, very close to me that read that as me giving up, kind of like laying down and, and just letting myself be walked over. But that wasn't where my head was at all. Not, I mean, it was like the complete opposite of me actually giving up. But, also, when you forge your own path, you have to forge your own path. Does that make sense?

Sherry 20:57

Yeah. It's what you were saying before about not letting that bad thing be the energy in your life, like refusing to let the thing that was done. The hard thing, the bad thing to, run the show, you know, you shifted, you worked and you moved forward, and that's one of the harder things that a person can do because like you said, there's judgment from the outside.

Jodi 21:23

Sure. And sometimes it doesn't go away. There's still things when people may wanna bring up something tough from my past that I went through and I just don't wanna go there anymore.

Sherry 21:33

Mm-hmm.

Jodi 21:34

And it's not like I'm putting my head in the sand or anything. That's just my

Sherry 21:37

Right.

Jodi 21:38

My life has been what it has been. Every experience, good and bad has still been an opportunity for growth. People will say, oh, it must've been so hard. Well, you were a single mom and you went through this, and you went through that, and try not to get angry about it, but I'm like, stop seeing the struggle and just see that the struggle was all worth it in the end. And that's not what I want my story to be. I don't want at the end of my life for people to remember me for all the tough things. I want it to be that I was somebody that kept moving forward.

Sherry 22:11

That's it. And that's, that's where it start.

Jodi 22:14

It's all hard. Life is hard.

Sherry 22:15

Yeah.

Jodi 22:16

Raising a family is hard.

Sherry 22:17

Yeah.

Jodi 22:17

Being a parent is hard. I used to say all the time, parenting isn't for sissies. All of the things that we do, working everything, it's all hard. It's all so hard. But you gotta keep showing up and you keep moving and you keep finding ways to make it better. And it doesn't have to be like, that's the other thing that I, I really think kind of gets a little bit intimidating when we talk about growth mindset. I think a lot of times when people hear it over social media and, and by all gurus that it means that they have to go out and do something grand. And, it doesn't have to be that way. Being a person with a growth mindset just means that you're continuing to be a little bit better than you were yesterday,

Sherry 23:04

Yeah, and it's choosing, right? It's deciding that I'm not gonna be defined by what happened, but the things that happen do shape us and they shape us by how we move through it. And. That can happen when you're exhausted, even when it doesn't look like strength to other people watching. It can be in those little tiny decisions to like for me, I call that the whisper. When I went through my scariest health events, I'm not gonna rehash all those here, they're in last season. There were moments when the logical thing to do was to decide, eh, I guess this is it. This is your new ceiling. And that's kind of how this podcast name popped back in my head because my dad, well he would say that this is it thing. And I'm like, well, this isn't it. Damn it. You know? So it wasn't that, part of me did do that a bit. You have to, to some extent. 'cause you know, your body changes, your energy changes and your capacity shifts when you're going through those things. But there's a difference between adapting to reality and deciding that you're done. 'cause I, like I said, this isn't it, damn it. But sometimes those feel exactly the same from the inside. And what kept me from crossing that line, keeping myself stuck was that whisper that, you know, it was in my attempt at journaling for a short time, not real good for me. But when I was doing it, you know, I think that was the start of my journaling. I wrote down, I did not survive this just to exist. I'm here for more, this can't be it. I'm not done. And sometimes it's just that little whisper is all you have, but it can be enough. If you still have that whisper even quietly buried underneath everything else, that's a growth mindset and everything began to change for me once I remembered that.

Jodi 25:04

Sometimes if you do stop and you do say. "The hell with it..." I can't. I can't,

Sherry 25:11

a whole new level of, fuck it.

Jodi 25:13

and you stop for a minute. Yeah, fuck this. I'm not doing this. I can't do it. 'cause this is me. I do it. Every single thing I've ever gone through. I have had moments when I'm like, fuck it, I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I cry. Maybe I've thrown things, I've broken things blow up. Crash on the couch, binge on ice cream and Netflix, and you can't beat yourself up for it because you'll get back out of it. So having those backward moments does not mean, oh, I can't move forward. Having a growth mindset doesn't mean every single day you have to get it right.

Sherry 25:53

It's about trying again, you know, and in relationships, that might be one of the harder places to really practice it because it's easier for us to say that person, whoever, they'll never change. But it's a harder question to ask, to put the question back on yourself, ourselves and say, how can I keep growing inside of this, whatever this is of the season? And again, though, to be clear, it doesn't mean tolerating

Relationships, Setbacks, And Small Wins

Sherry 26:25

things that aren't healthy in a relationship. I'm referring to asking myself, am I in a season of still becoming or am I being very rigid where I'm not hearing what someone else is trying to get across? I think that when both people are on that still becoming track, there does tend to be more hope. There does tend to be more forward progress, but when both people are fixed and just really have their head stuck in their ways, things really are hard and it's hard to, it's hard to find that crack in the door to move through.

Jodi 27:13

And sometimes people are afraid, right? Because if you're in a relationship and you start feeling like want to do something different or you're becoming a different person, you may be afraid that the person you're in a relationship with, or even your closest friends that something's gonna change and

Sherry 27:33

yeah.

Jodi 27:33

it's gonna change your relationships. But

Sherry 27:35

Well, it might,

Jodi 27:37

And it could Right. It very well may, but I think that there's a lot of times when that's sometimes a reason to not move forward.

Sherry 27:47

Yeah, you're putting judgment on it before you even know what the outcome's going to be, and that's that fixed, that's where you end up stuck. But because the thing that, that's what I was actually gonna say next is that the thing about growing is it doesn't stay inside you. If, if you're growing and changing as a person, the people around you will feel it. Your kids will feel it, your friends will feel it, and the people that you show up for every day are definitely going to feel it. But when you choose to keep becoming, usually others come with you, and we're all better for it. And this is important to remember too. Growing doesn't mean beating yourself up every time you fall short, because you will, again and again. And that's a whole different conversation, and that's the one that we're getting into next. So.

A Weekly Prompt And How To Help

Sherry 28:34

Before we close, we wanna leave you with one thing to try this week. Think of something that you've told yourself that you're just not good at. Maybe you told yourself that for a long time, and maybe ask. What would have to be true for that to change? You don't have to do anything with your answer. Just let it kind of stay open for a little while because sometimes that's how things do start to shift.

Jodi 29:02

And if nothing comes up right away, that's okay too. Sometimes the question just needs to land first. Sit with it, and if nothing comes at all, maybe even just thinking to yourself, one way I can be a little bit better today than I was yesterday?

Sherry 29:17

And a few things to notice. Where have you been reading your own discomfort as a sign telling you that you can't do something when, maybe, might it just be a sign that you just haven't done the thing yet? If you realize that your story isn't finished, what might you wanna try that's new? No pressure on the answers, just stay curious about them. Keep going. Keep growing. You're stronger than the hard days and you're not done yet.

Sherry 29:45

If this episode found you at the right moment, please pass it on. That's how we grow. Follow the show, leave us a review. And, we have a new way to help us out. We recently opened our Amazon storefront, and it's pretty cool because if you already shop on Amazon and you just access Amazon through our link, you don't have to buy a single thing from our store. It costs you nothing extra, and it really helps us keep going. You'll find our link in the show notes, on our website, and on our socials, and if you are looking for something specific that we talked about on the show or you're curious about filling your life toolkit and tackle box, you can check the TY Toolkit for tools we actually recommend, which is also in the show notes and on our website at thrivingyinzers.com. Until next time, This Is It!

Sherry 30:33

This podcast is meant to be informational and inspirational, but it is not a substitute for professional advice. We are not licensed therapists or medical professionals, and what we share here comes from personal experience only. If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out to someone trained to help. And if you're in crisis, you can call or text 988 The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It is available 24-7.