S2E8 From Losing Her Mom to Finding Herself: Lori Karsch on Grief and Self-Compassion

When Survival Mode Becomes Your Personality  with Lori Karsch, Author of Torn Wide Open

Lori Karsch was 27 when a rare brain condition took her mom; her safe place, and the only one she had. What came after was decades of survival mode so constant it started to feel like her personality: the people-pleasing, the hypervigilance, the little voice she kept shoving aside. Then she sat down to write her story for her daughters, and saw all of it for the first time.

In this conversation, Lori talks with Sherry and Jodi about what grief actually does to a life; how it lingers, reshapes the calendar, and how joy can make space beside it without betraying anyone. She shares the ladybug her family still finds in the most unlikely places, what it meant to stop handing out passes to people who didn't deserve them, and the one moment she ever felt connected to her dad. And she leaves listeners with the line we haven't stopped thinking about: the things you did to survive are not your identity. You're in there somewhere, and your best job is to find out where.

Because if you have yourself, you don't feel alone; you're the one you go through life with the whole time!

Connect with Lori:

• Book: Torn Wide Open: What Ripped Me Apart Also Made Me Whole → https://amzn.to/3T5hdwa
• Website (free prologue download): lorikarsch.com
• Instagram (she posts daily): @loribkarsch
• Lori can also be found on LinkedIn, YouTube, and Facebook.

From Thriving Yinzers:

• Browse our favorites in our TY Toolkit Amazon storefront → https://amzn.to/4hefBKz
• Next episode: Sherry and Jodi's reflections on this conversation; what self-compassion looks like in our world.

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Transcript

Getting In Your Own Corner

Sherry 0:00

Maybe you've gotten more aware, maybe even more ready to grow. But are you in your own corner yet? We've covered a lot of ground in this second season so far. We started with self-awareness, and what I've learned is that seeing yourself clearly for the first time can be a really hard thing. It can tip into self-loathing before it tips into anything good. So that's why we talked about agency next because recognizing the choices and the ability to choose differently helps because if you have awareness without any ability to choose differently, you just feel stuck. So we talked about emotional regulation because you can't make good choices when you feel like everything is on fire inside. And then we talked about growth mindset, which is the belief that who you are right now is not who you have to stay. It opens yourself up to possibilities. But I keep coming back to something, and that is that all of that work; Seeing yourself, realizing your options, keeping steady, believing in something more. It doesn't hold if you're not willing to be in your own corner. So that's what today is about.

Lori’s Story Before The Crack

Sherry (2) 1:37

Lori Karsh is our guest today. She's the author of Torn Wide Open, and we will tell you that we have a signed copy of this book, and there are a lot of dog ears on the pages. So Lori, welcome. Thanks for joining us.

Lori Karsch 1:51

Thank you for having me. It's an honor to be here.

Jodi 1:55

We appreciate you taking the time for us.

Sherry (2) 1:57

I was wondering, before we get into everything, did you actually transfer to Pitt?

Lori Karsch 2:02

Some of the details within the book are based on real events, but not actual places or names to protect the identity of the people in the book. But you being from Pittsburgh, I totally get you asking me that.

Sherry (2) 2:23

I started to read and I was like, "Oh, I wonder if there really is a Pittsburgh connection or if this is as you just as you said.

Lori Karsch 2:30

Yeah.

Sherry (2) 2:30

So, that was cool. There is a Pittsburgh connection in the story.

Lori Karsch 2:33

Well, I'm from the tri-state area, so, we have that connection. We definitely are from the same spot in the world, so, we have that in common. And my husband travels to Pittsburgh all the time and says how much he loves it.

Sherry 2:50

We love it too.

Sherry (2) 2:51

So we're here today to talk about the connection that we made through your book, Torn Wide Open and the topic of the book and your subtitle there is What Ripped You Apart Also Made You Whole. You wrote your memoir, and so we wanna talk to you about taking us back before any of this work. Could you paint a picture of where you were before, as you said, something cracked it open?

Lori Karsch 3:19

Absolutely. Just a little background information. I know we all know a lot of marriages that should have never happened, and my parents had one of those marriages. They were faced with an accidental pregnancy. They felt like they had no choice, and given the reality of society in 1964, they weren't entirely wrong. And, when they got divorced, the court said that my dad had the right to see my brother and I, even though he really wasn't that interested, and he had a violent temper. Um, on three separate occasions, his reckless behavior almost killed me, and I lived in fear whenever he was around. And my mom was my safe place. She was all I had, and due to a rare brain condition, she was taken from me when I was 27 years old. So my memoir, Torn Wide Open: What Ripped Me Apart Made Me Whole, is the story of the love that I shared with my mom and how I had to keep going after I lost her. I had to turn inward and rely on myself, and even though I had supportive friends, I really couldn't rely on them to build my life for me. I had to do that.

Sherry (2) 4:37

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 4:38

So the core theme of my story is reconnecting with that inner knowledge that all of us have from the day we're born and most of us are taught to ignore. So the book is really, the theme underlying the story is how I reawakened my inner knowledge and how I started to listen to myself again. And then, uh, eventually I, got married, had children, and again, I had to navigate without support that most everybody relies on. You know, I had to figure it out, and the story is really about those things.

Hypervigilance And People-Pleasing Patterns

Lori Karsch 5:17 Sherry (2) 5:17

Yeah. As your story was developing and before you came to that realization, there was a sort of pattern that runs through your story until you made that shift where you were kind of looking to other people to tell you who you are, what to do, whether you're okay. Was there a moment when you first realized you were doing that? Or I know you said you spent a lot of time writing. How did you come to that?

Lori Karsch 5:46

Yeah. It wasn't a straight line, right? So like the healing part, so after mom passed, there was so much that I, uh, didn't realize, and I was kind of in this survival mode type mentality because in childhood I was in that survival mode already, and then after she passed, it accelerated to be even more concentrated because I didn't have my safe person anymore. And so I became more hypervigilant, more hyper-aware. So for example, when my dad would come pick me up when I was a kid, I would, walk on eggshells when he came in the door because I had to notice the emotional state that was going on when he came in, and I was always on guard, like, "What's gonna go wrong?" Right? So without mom there, that became like multiplied, and I always felt like something was gonna go wrong, something was gonna happen, and I didn't realize this, but I, I always knew I was anxious, but I, the reason I was anxious was because she was no longer there and I was doing that to begin with So..

Jodi 7:11

That hypervigilance.

Lori Karsch 7:13

yeah, and the inability to trust myself to make the right decisions and to always ask everybody else what they thought. And there are a couple points in the story where I started to listen to myself.

Sherry (2) 7:31

And you're talking about as a young adult, no longer in childhood, even in your late 20s.

Lori Karsch 7:37

Mm-hmm. And so yeah, so when I learned that I should stop telling that little voice inside of me that keeps saying, you know, "Maybe you should try this," and- trying to silence it, maybe I should listen. And when I listened, look what I got. I mean, it turned my whole life around. And I realized that although I loved mom and I was grieving mom, but she wouldn't have been able to do that for me anyway.

Jodi 8:09

How did you decide to write the memoir?

Writing As Healing And Legacy

Lori Karsch 8:13

Yeah, so..

Jodi 8:14

Was that part of the healing process, or..

Lori Karsch 8:15

No. So this is the crazy part. So mom passed... I'm 55 now, and my mom passed when she was 54. So as the time came closer and closer, me being an anxious person, 'cause of all went on, I'm thinking to myself, "I'm gonna die like she did. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, my brain's gonna explode, too." And She wasn't the type of person to write anything down, there was no journals, it was just really what we spoke of. So I really wanted my girls to have a piece of me and my life experiences if I were to die young like she did, and I was convinced that I was, right? So I'm like, "Okay, I'm creeping up to her age, and I'm going to make it my mission to tell them what I learned, and they will always have me at their fingertips, at least part of me." And then after I wrote it, I'm like, "Wow, I think this could help other people."

Sherry (2) 9:17

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 9:18

And that's the reason why I published it.

Sherry 9:23

You wrote it for just two people, and now look how far it's already traveled. You never know where a ripple ends up. And that's it.

Sherry (2) 9:30

That's another..

Jodi 9:30

That's why we're here today. If you think about it, I, I, like you, my mom was only 63 when I lost her, so I get that point too. It changes how you think of yourself. It changes how you think of the world, and realize how fragile time is.

Lori Karsch 9:46

Absolutely.

Sherry (2) 9:47

I didn't really understand that for a bit because my grandmother passed away young. She was 49. And my mom got very anxious around that same age, just like you're saying, because she had fears of the same things, you know? And then it happened to me, and now I understood. Cause I had some health issues at a young age that put a magnifying glass on, uh, the things that run on both sides of our family, and that's what led us to doing this podcast.

Lori Karsch 10:16

Wow.

Sherry (2) 10:17

For the same reasons that you're saying. I initially, seven years ago, wanted to write a book, but I was not cognitively there, able to do that. And then it turned into a- another project which eventually got to what we're doing here now. So it's interesting that we're on a similar vein when it comes to the origin story of putting yourself out there and, you know, the root of it being the want for those you love to have, always have your voice,

Lori Karsch 10:47

So we were meant to meet.

Sherry (2) 10:49

Yeah.

Lori Karsch 10:49

Yeah.

Jodi 10:50

Yeah.

Sherry (2) 10:50

And it just keeps happening, and it's cool. That's all.

Lori Karsch 10:53

It's awesome.

Jodi 10:54

When you're on the, when you're on the right path, that's the way it works.

Lori Karsch 10:57

Yes.

Jodi 10:58

The universe puts the right people in your path.

Lori Karsch 11:00

That's correct, the alignment.

Grief That Lingers With Joy

Sherry (2) 11:02

In the process of writing this book with your mom as central to the story, did it reveal things about yourself that you didn't expect to uncover? You wrote, "Instead of asking herself what she really wanted, she was trapped by what she thought was expected." Your mom couldn't ask that question, but you did. So made the difference?

Lori Karsch 11:35

Yeah, I think it was, like, the time that she lived in. Back then women were not looked at as equal. I mean, may not have had the confidence that she needed as well to listen to herself, 'cause she knew she didn't love him, right? And she questioned whether she should do it, but she felt obligated to marry my father. My writing of this story, which by the way was just a fleeting thought, like we just discussed, and then became reality, and once I started to write the book, unbelievably enough, I feel like my brain processed everything that happened to me because of writing it down. And I almost felt like a bird circling on top of my life and looking at all of it from a bird's-eye view. And even though I'm a counselor, when it's happening to you, it's hard to see from the inside out, right?

Sherry (2) 12:38

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 12:39

So when you have it on paper, you're like, "Wow, now I see it." And now I see that those patterns that I was using to survive everything were really things that I had confused with my personality, right? The people-pleasing, the ignoring my emotional, system where, you know, we all have that little voice that knows best and we shove it aside. Um, you know, the numb, the feeling being numb and not really enjoying life, but always expecting things to go wrong. All of those things became what I identified with as being parts of my personality, but they were really just these adaptations of this dark matter that was never resolved.

Finding Yourself When You Feel Alone

Sherry (2) 13:40

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 13:41

I started to write the story, I saw it all. And, that awareness started the healing.

Sherry (2) 13:50

And it seems to me the discovery of self-compassion, and self-trust.

Lori Karsch 13:57

Yeah. Yeah Yeah, like why am I asking everybody else what they think? They're giving me their op- not to say that their opinions don't matter, but it's not their life, you know? And you have to go with what's right for you, and there is, what I really discovered is there really is no wrong decision.

Sherry (2) 14:17

Yeah.

Lori Karsch 14:18

And..

Sherry (2) 14:19

It's different for everyone.

Lori Karsch 14:20

Yeah, I mean, if you make a decision and you believe in it, and it ends up not being the best, life works out anyway.

Sherry (2) 14:30

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 14:31

So you really just have to trust yourself enough to know that you'll do the best for yourself that you can, and that things will fall into place as a result. May not turn out like you expected it to, it might not be what you thought it would be, but it always works out for your greater good.

Sherry (2) 14:54

Yes. I know your purpose was for your children to have your voice. Do you also see it as an important part of kind of breaking a cycle?

Lori Karsch 15:07

For myself, yes. And a cycle I was completely unaware of. I mean, it's crazy. I'm 55 years old. I lived my whole life this way, and now I'm finally waking up. I, I would sit there and have anxiety attacks for no reason. Like, there was nothing wrong. It was my nervous system, like, calming itself down from all the stuff that I was going through years back, you know? It's so important, that awareness.

Sherry (2) 15:36

Mm-hmm.

Jodi 15:38

And I think comes at different times too. Sometimes it's really when you slow down. I noticed when my kids were gone, that's when I started noticing the behaviors that kept me going were actually not really good for me, but I didn't know it until everything else stopped moving around me that I was like, "Oh, I'm still doing these things that I shouldn't

Quiet Boundaries And Self-Worth

Jodi 16:00

really be doing."

Lori Karsch 16:00

Exactly.

Sherry (2) 16:02

I think that's where some of this mindfulness stuff has been really helpful for people because it's like learning how to intentionally slow down because we're so go, go, go all the time and we don't give ourselves the opportunity to really hear ourselves and feel, you know, what's going on inside.

Lori Karsch 16:28

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, especially with social media and the phone. When I was a kid, we didn't even have phones. Half the time, you know, you couldn't reach anybody unless you were at a dial or a payphone. But I think it's, uh, instant gratification, constant distractions.

Sherry (2) 16:48

Yes.

Lori Karsch 16:50

Just to kinda give yourself some peace is good.

Sherry (2) 16:54

Yeah, and I actually wanted to ask you about that because I noticed that you said this recently, you made your first social media post ever.

Lori Karsch 17:06

Yeah. I literally had to learn how to send the caption. My kids were teaching me. It was so funny. They start yelling at me, "Mom, you don't know this?" I'm like, "How am I supposed to know this? I didn't grow up with a cellphone like you did," so they taught me, and it's a great way to get your message out there. And what I am able to do is reach so many people with these things that I've learned so that other people can relate. It's great.

Sherry (2) 17:42

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 17:43

You know, the way of the world today. I had to kinda get out of the archives there.

Sherry (2) 17:47

Yes.

Jodi 17:48

And there's something to be said for pushing outside your comfort zone, right?

Lori Karsch 17:51

Yeah. Yeah. It's just like anything else, the more you do it, the better you get.

Jodi 17:56

Right.

Lori Karsch 17:56

I have Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, LinkedIn. I'm everywhere. But where I post every day is on my Instagram account, which also backs to the Facebook account.

Jodi 18:11

Okay.

Sherry (2) 18:12

You wrote about it means to come back to yourself, so I wanna kinda move into that realm.

Lori Karsch 18:20

Yeah.

Sherry (2) 18:21

Because you write about grief, and there were two lines that I read back to back that I wanna highlight, and I wouldn't say I haven't heard it described this way before, but it just, like, struck me. So "grief isn't something that you go through for a while, and then you're done. It lingers." And then you wrote, "It reshapes the air, the calendar,

Generational Pain And A New Path

Sherry (2) 18:42

the things you thought that you'd feel excited about," and that you didn't let go of the grief, but you "let joy make space beside it". And it's that sentence right there. That's the one.

Lori Karsch 18:57

Yeah, like my daughter graduated from college the other day,

Sherry (2) 19:01

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 19:01

and we saw a ladybug in the elevator.

Sherry (2) 19:04

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 19:05

And my daughter turned to me with tears in her eyes and she says, "Grandmom's here, Mom."

Sherry (2) 19:09

She's, she's here. Yep.

Lori Karsch 19:10

Right. And, I'm so happy that my daughter has reached this milestone and it's wonderful. And, I'm missing mom because I know how much she would've really loved to see Michaela graduate. And

Sherry (2) 19:27

Yes.

Lori Karsch 19:28

I just feel like, you know, with her seeing a ladybug in the elevator, 'cause we always associate ladybugs with Grandma, that it was just such a beautiful moment. You know? That, even though I'm, I'm still grieving her, we can experience her in another way.

Sherry (2) 19:47

Well, you said your mom passed when you were 27. And your daughter just graduated

Lori Karsch 19:53

This year.

Sherry (2) 19:53

Yeah. So, did she even know, Grandma?

Lori Karsch 19:56

Yeah. No, so my children and, my husband never knew my mother. Uh, my..

Sherry (2) 20:04

That's what I'm saying. It's like you're keeping her memory alive in that way, and you can feel the love and the relationship with your daughter. There's,

Lori Karsch 20:12

Yeah. Yeah. This'll sound strange. When we were in our home, even when I brought my daughter home from the

Where To Find The Book And Support

Lori Karsch 20:22

hospital when she was just born, our whole porch was filled with ladybugs. And ever since then, I kind of felt like Mom was there with me with the ladybugs, and especially the fact that it was freezing outside and the ladybugs were there. She was born in January. And I'm like, "What the heck is this?"

Jodi 20:43

That's your sign.

Lori Karsch 20:44

Then, yeah, so I always associated that with her. My children would listen to me describe her, and I would show them pictures of her. So I was able to keep her alive with that. And the grief for Mom opened the door for me to reconstruct my identity a little bit when I wrote the story.

Sherry (2) 21:11

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 21:11

So I was in survival mode all those years, and then when I wrote the story and I was able to see things from the outside in and I had that awareness, then I was able to reconstruct the things and come back to myself, because I was hiding under all those things. Like, where's Lori? Like, I, you know,

Sherry (2) 21:34

Yep.

Lori Karsch 21:34

you have to kind of strip off those, those layers that are not really you. They're, they were protecting you for all those years.

Sherry (2) 21:42

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 21:42

But it's not you.

Sherry (2) 21:43

That's a beautiful thing.

Lori Karsch 21:43

You're in there somewhere. You just have to kind of get... It's like when you declutter your house, you have to declutter your mind and your heart to find yourself again. Yeah, get back in touch.

Sherry (2) 21:54

Sure.

Jodi 21:54

I love that. I really like the reframing of the grief. That's, a great way to think of it too. Leaving space for the joy.

Sherry (2) 22:02

Yeah. Yes, I think that's something that so many of us struggle with is feeling, well, there's no timeline, but it in some ways feels like betrayal when you allow yourself to feel joy, you know?

Lori Karsch 22:19

Yeah. Oh, I, I completely understand. Yeah. You know, it's finding yourself again.

Sherry (2) 22:28

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 22:29

And uncovering what makes you happy and how you can move through the world in a new way that makes your life what it should be.

Jodi 22:43

And I'm sure your mom is so proud too. I always feel like when I honor myself, I'm actually honoring my mom. It took me a long time to learn that, but that's what I remind myself every time. Every time I honor myself, I'm honoring her.

Lori Karsch 22:57

That's right. That's absolutely right.

Sherry (2) 23:01

Yeah. And the walk through grief, it's obviously different for each person. Um, you know, everyone experiences it differently, but also each loss that an individual experiences, you know, you walk through each loss differently. But in all of those spaces, you said somewhere, that you can be surrounded by people feel completely alone.

Lori Karsch 23:28

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There were many, many years of feeling like that, and I, I think it's because I lost myself. Because if you have yourself, you don't feel alone, 'cause you're the one you go through life with the whole time. And if you can connect back to you and get rid of that clutter and those layers, and really learn to love what you see and have fun with yourself again, you know, that little spark you had when you were a kid, you know,

Sherry (2) 24:06

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 24:06

it's just like that. And, all kinda comes together from that.

Sherry (2) 24:12

I so appreciate you saying that because that's one of the purposes behind what we're doing is helping people feel seen and heard in all of the things that they carry, whether it's loss of a parent or whatever sort of grief, whatever sort of hard things that they're facing, that the individual process that everyone goes through, you know, walking through those things and kinda not losing yourself along the way.

Lori Karsch 24:40

Yeah. And I'm working on some really great stuff for people in this space. I labeled myself a self-trust guide. I don't have all the answers, but I have a lot of great ideas on how to walk with people as they heal and as they find their way through, just like I did.

Sherry (2) 25:00

And you're a counselor, and that's your background.

Lori Karsch 25:04

Yeah, I'm a school counselor. And, when my children were little. I stayed home with them. And, it's funny being a counselor and not really realizing all that time what was happening with myself. You could be so inside something and not see it, and that goes for all of us. And the healing starts with you, and with you meeting yourself wherever that needs to be.

Sherry (2) 25:37

Yep. I went 47 years before, an experience next to a stream um, opened my eyes to a lot of things. It was just the beginning of a turning point of self-discovery and, like you said, finding out about yourself. On that autopilot.

Lori Karsch 26:02

That's right, and I bet you remember that moment so clearly, the one where you were next to that stream, it's so empowering, and the shift..

Sherry (2) 26:13

It doesn't even feel real to describe to someone. If you haven't experienced it, it's hard to describe that without sounding like woo-woo.

Lori Karsch 26:22

That's right, woo-woo. That's the best word. I love that word. But yes, it's that spiritualness where you connect with yourself and that self-love.

Sherry (2) 26:32

And everything opens up.

Lori Karsch 26:33

That's right.

Sherry (2) 26:34

Everything starts to open up from there.

Lori Karsch 26:35

That's right. Yes. That's a perfect description.

Sherry (2) 26:39

Near the end of the book you wrote, "I stepped back for good. No confrontation, no dramatic goodbye, just a quiet understanding that I was done handing out passes to people who didn't deserve them."

Lori Karsch 26:50

Yeah.

Sherry (2) 26:51

I wanted to ask you, what it feel like to get quiet about it instead of loud in that time?

Lori Karsch 27:00

I think when you realize that your worth is more than you're giving yourself credit for, that everybody else's thoughts and opinions are cast aside, and what really matters is you feeling the best you can feel about your circumstances, whatever those circumstances are. So if you need to move on from a toxic relationship that's drawing too much energy, and that's your situation, you don't need to explain yourself. I found I don't have to explain myself. If it's in your greatest good, you can just walk away from things that are not for you, whatever those things may be. And I didn't know how to create boundaries. I didn't know how to say no. I didn't know how to do that. It was all new to me. I'm like, "Oh, my gosh. What have I..." I almost found myself apologizing to myself. Like, what have I done to myself all these years? I should have really just been looking out. And then you look at your kinda inner child, and you're, like, apologizing to her. Like, "I'm sorry I should have looked out for you better," you know? Just like I looked after my kids, I should have looked after myself, and now I'm starting to do that.

Sherry (2) 28:26

But, there's forgiveness in there too.

Lori Karsch 28:29

Yes.

Sherry (2) 28:30

But there's also a difference between forgiveness and, releasing yourself from the story that someone else hands you about your life.

Lori Karsch 28:41

Yeah.

Sherry (2) 28:42

Was there a moment that you figured that out?

Lori Karsch 28:44

It was really just, I think, more awareness of how everybody was kind of marching to the same drum that they had been handed down, right? So, like, my parents handed me their pain from where they grew up unknowingly, right? So I don't think they handed it to me.

Jodi 29:07

Generational traumas, yeah.

Lori Karsch 29:09

Yeah, right. So they handed it down to me, and I processed it, and then I grew up with it, and I wasn't really aware of it.

Sherry (2) 29:21

Mm-hmm.

Lori Karsch 29:22

And like I said, when that awareness comes and you're like, "Oh my goodness, look at all of this that went on and you didn't help yourself," and now you certainly can with what you know.

Sherry (2) 29:34

Never too late. It's never too late.

Lori Karsch 29:36

It is never too late to begin to heal, and that's, I think that's why we're all here. We have to figure out what makes us feel whole.

Sherry (2) 29:51

Yeah.

Jodi 29:53

And give ourselves grace and forgive ourselves for not knowing what we didn't know.

Lori Karsch 29:58

That's right. And, to show yourself the best life that you can have while you're here, you know? And to really live it the way you want to, and to find yourself again. You know, you're in there somewhere.

Sherry (2) 30:12

Yep.

Lori Karsch 30:13

That's what I discovered, and it's just so refreshing and it's feeling like there's a new slate.

Sherry (2) 30:19

Yeah. Yep.

Lori Karsch 30:20

I'm so grateful that I was able to uncover all of that with writing the story.

Sherry (2) 30:27

Yeah. And you said at the beginning, um, everything in your life came through a difficult home because of a difficult marriage. And, one other thing that struck me is that your dad says something in the book about marriage, and it was profound. I wondered where do you think it came from in him when he said, "Marriage isn't just about love. It's about partnership and stability and trusting that when things go to hell, the other person won't crack under pressure."

Lori Karsch 31:01

Mm-hmm.

Sherry (2) 31:03

After what I read and what you've told us about your dad, that stayed with me.

Lori Karsch 31:08

Yeah.

Sherry (2) 31:09

Where do you think that came from? You talked about kind of generational stuff.

Lori Karsch 31:12

Yeah. So I mean, the one time I felt connection with him was when he was trying to prevent me from what him and mom went through, right? So he knew that, even though we're all dysfunctional, we're all, like, in this mode and going on, he knew that that person wasn't the right fit for me, in his own weird way, for however he knew it. My mom and him had discussed it before she had her final brain bleed. I think he was trying to save me from the fate that he had himself, come to know when he and mom got together. He wanted me to live a life with somebody that was really for me.

Sherry (2) 32:01

Yeah.

Lori Karsch 32:03

And that's why in that part of the story I write, that's the one time I felt connected to him because she couldn't do it for me.

Sherry (2) 32:14

Yeah.

Lori Karsch 32:14

Because she was laying there with the machines and he knew that she would've said the same thing.

Sherry (2) 32:20

Yeah. Thank you for that.

Lori Karsch 32:22

Yeah.

Sherry (2) 32:25

One final thing, this show does exist to remind people to embrace the lives that they have, imperfections and all. Is there anything else that you want someone to know that is in the middle of their hard thing, whatever it is, for that person to hear from you today?

Lori Karsch 32:43

Yeah. That you're not alone. There are other people out there that have, uh, similar stories, contributions that you can learn about. And I think the one thing I will leave your listeners with is if you know that you've identified with some of the things that I've labeled as survival tactics, that those are not your identity. Those are just things that are there because they were reinforced for years, but you're in there somewhere, and your best job is to find out where.

Sherry (2) 33:25

Absolutely.

Lori Karsch 33:26

Do the work. It's so worth it.

Sherry (2) 33:29

And you're worth it, yes.

Jodi 33:30

Thank you for that.

Lori Karsch 33:31

Thank you.

Sherry (2) 33:32

So if there is anyone listening who wants to go deeper with these types of things that we're talking about, "Torn Wide Open" is a great place to start. Where can people find it?

Lori Karsch 33:46

Yeah. So for everybody listening, thank you so much for tuning in today, and if this conversation resonated with you, I would love to continue the conversation. You can find me on my post on Instagram, daily, at, @loribkarsh. And you can also take a look at my website, and you can download the prologue for free. If you love it, head over to Amazon and purchase the book, "Torn Wide Open: What Ripped Me Apart Also Made Me Whole". Uh, It was such a pleasure to be with you ladies.

Sherry (2) 34:20

Thank you. I'm gonna link it in the show notes too. And, for our listeners this conversation will continue in our next episode with kind of Jodi and I's reflections on this conversation today. So we're gonna talk a little bit more about what self-compassion looks like in our world. And this is it.

Sherry 34:38

If this episode found you at the right moment, please pass it on. That's how we grow. Follow the show, leave us a review. and, we have a new way to help us out. We recently opened our Amazon storefront, and If you already shop on Amazon and you access Amazon through our link, it costs you nothing extra, and it really helps us keep going. You'll find our link in the show notes, on our website, and on our socials, and if you are looking for something specific that we talked about on the show or you're curious about filling your life toolkit and tackle box, you can check the TY Toolkit for tools we actually recommend, which is also in the show notes and on our website at thrivingyinzers.com. Until next time, this is it! This podcast is meant to be informational and inspirational, but it is not a substitute for professional advice. We are not licensed therapists or medical professionals, and what we share here comes from personal experience only. If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out to someone trained to help. And if you're in crisis, you can call or text 988 The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It is available 24-7.