Talk more listen less ... to yourself

Talk More, Listen Less—to Yourself: How to Reframe Negative Self-Talk and Lead with Confidence.

In this episode of Change Agent Leadership, Jonathan Hankin flips the classic phrase “talk less, listen more” on its head—and applies it to your internal dialogue.

You’ll learn why your inner voice is often your biggest critic and how to reframe that voice to boost confidence, reduce discouragement, and grow as a leader. Jonathan outlines 4 actionable steps to change your internal conversation: Monitor, Prepare, Ask for Feedback, and Speak Truth to Yourself.

 If you’ve ever felt stuck in negative thoughts or discouraged by past failures, this episode gives you the mindset tools and leadership insights to break free and step into your value.

Topics Covered:

• The power of self-talk in leadership
• Why we believe lies from our inner critic
• How to track and reframe negative thoughts
• Getting helpful feedback from trusted voices
• Creating a personal affirmation rooted in truth

Take the Challenge:

Track your thoughts, ask for feedback, write truth statements, and speak to them aloud daily.

Because you’re not just leading others—you’re leading yourself.

00:00 Introduction: Talk More, Listen Less

00:25 The Power of Self-Talk

01:23 Coaching Insights: Overcoming Internal Criticism

03:02 Four Steps to Better Self-Communication

03:06 Step 1: Monitor Your Self-Talk

03:53 Step 2: Prepare for Better Conversations

04:51 Step 3: Ask for Feedback

05:51 Step 4: Have a Positive Conversation with Yourself

07:34 Key Takeaways and Action Steps

08:47 Conclusion and Next Steps

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Transcript

 ​Welcome back to another episode of Change Agent Leadership. I wanna flip a common phrase on its head today. We've all heard talk less, listen more, but what if, when it comes to internal dialogue, that's phrase is actually hurting us?  Today's episode is called Talk More, listen Less to yourself.

And yes, I know that sounds backwards, but stick with me because this one shift could unlock a new level of encouragement and confidence in your life.  Here's the truth. No one is more influential in your life than you are. Think about it. You're constantly talking to yourself, processing, reacting, and planning.  

Ultimately, most of us are excellent listeners to our own negative thoughts.  We tend to dwell on criticism for days, but what do we do to compliment? We ignore it or brush it off within seconds. We tend to relive mistakes, but rarely celebrate wins. We tend to spiral into self doubt, discouragement, or fear often without realizing we've turned in tuned into the wrong channel in our brains.

As you know, it's human nature to gravitate towards negativity. Truly misery does love company, and if you're not careful, that company you might keep, could be your inner critic that lives in your head rent free. But here's the good news.   Joy is also contagious, and we start intentionally shifting how we talk to ourselves.

We become magnets for positivity, not only for ourselves, but for those we lead.  I. As I coach clients and work through goals together, at some point we get to options. When we're working through goals, we spend time discussing, um, the client's dreams, if you will, or goals that they want to reach, and all the possible ways to hit those goals, to make them reality.

My job is to keep asking questions and just dive deeper to understand why and get us on, keep us on course, because the goals that matter and the options that work are always in the client's brain or in your brain. They just, you just need help getting them out. Often during this time as we explore options, there's a, there's a high chance that an excellent option is presented by the client, and just as they finish the sentence, they say something along the lines of, well, let's not write that one down.

And I ask, why? Tell me more. And usually the response is one of these three.   Because I've tried that before and failed, or I was told I can't do that, or I don't believe I can reach that far. In essence, the dreaming stage quickly turns into a bit of a deflation time, almost distance discouragement, and not from external criticism.

I'm not criticized. I'm trying to encourage 'em to go more. It's all internal.  This opens up a larger coaching discussion. Of course, that many times leads to breakthrough in their lives. Why? Because it's the harsh inner voice that says, you're not good enough. You should have known better, you're behind, et cetera.

 Here's the kicker. That voice sounds like truth, but it's not. I. The real move that will help you stop giving that voice the microphone. It's time to talk more and listen less.  To that destructive, to the destructive self-talk. So today I'm gonna give you four steps to better communicate with yourself.

  Step one, monitor what you're saying for the next few days, take inventory, write down what negative thoughts are coming up.  Okay, next. Where did notice, where did they start? Is it something somebody said, something you saw, or from your own expectations not being reached, you name it, and then journal. What patterns are you noticing?

Again, this isn't about judgment, it's about gathering data, why you need the data so you can pinpoint the pain points from  what you're telling yourself. Because when you can see thought patterns, you can begin to shift them.  A leadership insight. We've all heard it said what gets measured gets done. And while that's true, when it comes to your mindset, what gets measured and pinpointed in your mind can then get managed.

  Step two, prepare for better conversation. Now, imagine this, your best friend just did this exercise that we talked about  and shows you the list that they're working on. What would you say to them? You'd probably be thoughtful and encouraging. You may even challenge some of the lies that they're believing.

Why not do the same for yourself? Grace and truth can coexist. Yes, you may have made mistakes. Yes, there might be gaps, probably are gaps in your life and growth, but that doesn't mean your internal narrative should be one of shame and defeat.  So try this. Highlight one repeated negative thought from your list.

Then write a true statement that gently challenges it.  So for example, if your thought is I always mess things up. Truth statement, I. I've made mistakes, but I've also grown. I'm more aware of when I make mistakes and now I'm more prepared for next time. These gentle changes challenge the lies that we're believing.

 Step three, ask for feedback. This can be tough, but it's also one of the most powerful growth strategies you can use.  Ask someone you trust, maybe a mentor, a peer, a family member, how they perceive you in a specific way. So, for example, could be communication or time management, whatever you want to work on.

And then ask for communication. Say, ask the question, how have you seen me communicate well and what's one thing I could communicate better?   Here's a few tips when you're doing this exercise, four of 'em, one. Choose wisely. Trust is essential. You really want someone that's gonna speak truth from their heart.

Two, start small. Don't open up with your biggest fear. Ask about something manageable. Three, listen fully, even if you disagree. Look for that 10% that might be true. And then four, ask yourself if that 10% is accurate. What can I do differently?  Getting perspective breaks the echo chamber of self-talk and brings clarity.

 Step four, have a positive conversation with yourself. Here's the hard truth. Many of us have forgotten who we are.  We forget what we bring to the table, our skills and our talents. We forget our va, where our values come from. In other words, why are we doing this? What got us excited before? If you're a person of faith, maybe it's time to remind yourself of your greater calling.

We forget the ways others depend on us, even in small unseen moments.   So here's a practical exercise. Write out every task you do regularly. Again, it's regularly not every single task, but the regular task you do at home, at work for your community. And then ask, who am I helping when I do this? What value am I adding?

How does this reflect on who I want to be? Read it out loud as an affirmation and reminder to yourself,  here's a sample template. , I'm adding value to fill in the names or groups of people by insert the task that you're doing. I'm not perfect, but I'm growing and learning every day. My worth or value is not divine.

Defined by my failures, but by who I'm becoming and what I contribute to others. That's just an example. You can write one up for yourself. Lastly, ref, lastly and tied to this, reflect on the question, how does this reflect who I want to be? Take time to think, pray, meditate on this, and seek wise counsel.

 Balancing who you are with who you want to be is critical to speaking truth into yourself and taking action to align with those truths.  A leadership reminder, speaking life to yourself isn't arrogance. It's actually alignment. You are stepping into the truth of who you are, created to be.

  Some key takeaways, we're constantly influencing ourselves through self-talk.

Negative thoughts are sticky to get them unstuck. Positive thoughts need repetition. Monitoring your internal dialogue is the first step to growth. Seeking feedback breaks the echo chamber, and then speaking truth and value over yourself is a daily discipline.  So four action steps this week. One, track yourself.

Track yourself, talk for three days. Write down triggers and thought patterns. Two, write one true statement for each repeated negative thought. Three, ask one trusted person for feedback in a small area, and four, create a value statement based on your daily contributions and say it out loud.  As leaders and as you individuals, human beings, we have a responsibility not just to others but to ourselves.

The way we speak to ourselves shapes how we show up for our teams, our families. Our communities and for ourself.

 So this week, talk more, listen less to the lies, the fears, and the discouragement. Instead, speak life. Speak purpose. Speak value, because you're not just leading others, you're leading yourself.

 If this episode helped reframe your mindset or sparked a new habit, share with someone who needs to hear it today. And if you're looking for a coach,  there's a form in the show notes to fill out to connect with me personally.

  I'm also adding a real coaching session to the podcast in the near future. So I'm looking for guests who want a free coaching session.

To work through a goal or a challenge that you're facing, if that's you, click on the link in the show notes to be a guest on a video edition of Change Agent Leadership.

 Until next time, I'm Jonathan Hankin, your change agent, coach. Keep questioning, keep growing, and keep leading change.