S1E2: God Isn't a Bearded Man in the Sky: A Spiritual Evolution Story

What does it truly mean to welcome God into our lives? 

Journey with me as I unravel the complex relationship I've had with the divine—from growing up in a Catholic household where God felt like a judgmental, controlling force, to discovering a deeply nurturing relationship with what I now understand as the Source of all life.

My path hasn't been linear. After years of rebellion against organized religion, I felt an unexpected call to reopen my heart to God and Jesus in 2014. Yet even then, when my spiritual coach asked me in 2019 if I believed God was benevolent, my honest answer was "no." I felt betrayed, controlled, and judged by a deity who seemed to be sometimes laughing at my struggles rather than supporting me through them. I was so wrong about this Source!  But, it would take me years of spiritual coaching to understand this (more on this in another episode!).

The transformative practice of Centering Prayer became my sanctuary during an existential crisis in 2024. Sitting in silence with divine presence taught me to find comfort in darkness and uncertainty. Through this contemplative tradition, alongside influences from Buddhism, Taoism, Sufism, yogic philosophy and more, I've discovered something remarkable—when I truly surrender to divine guidance (even when it contradicts my immediate desires), the outcomes are consistently better than anything I could orchestrate alone!  So true.

This podcast speaks directly to spiritual seekers who feel repelled by religious language but sense a calling toward something greater. If you're angry at religious traditions, questioning your spiritual path, or simply feeling a tug toward deeper meaning, you're welcome here. 

I don't have all the answers—I'm still seeking myself—but I'm committed to sharing the goodness that flows from an intimate, bonded relationship with the source of all life, the most important relationship we'll ever have! 

Subscribe to join me on this journey of spiritual maturation, where we'll explore what it means to welcome God beyond the limitations of religion or preconceived notions.  

Go to WelcomingGod.com to sign up on our email newsletter.  

Music by Song Channel Music.  Listen at SongChannelMusic.com

Lee Carroll's Kryon Parable, The Journey Home: Michael Thomas and the Seven Angels

Depeche Mode, Blasphemous Rumors.

Transcript

Introduction to Welcoming God

Sarah Haykel 0:00

Intro clip: So I just want you to know, when I'm talking about God what I'm talking about is the source of life, the most important relationship any of us could ever have with the one true source.

Sarah Haykel 0:23

Hi, and thanks for joining me on Welcoming God. Hey everybody, my name is Sarah Haykel and this is Welcoming God, a podcast for the spiritual seeker. Why welcoming God? Well, why do I use the word God anyway? It's such a polarizing word. I find that so many people feel repelled by the word God, triggered by the word God. I definitely used to feel that way too. I used to say goddess or creator source. I still use the word source. There are so many different words to describe the source of life. When I'm talking about God, what I'm talking about is the all that ever is, was and will be the source of it all, the source of life. God, to me, is not a gendered thing. It's not some human man in the sky looking down judging us. God is unknowable and knowable to a certain extent. I read the book many years ago, michael Thomas and the Seven Angels the Journey Home, by, I think his name's Lee Carroll, and it's a Kryon parable, and in that book, one of the stages that Michael Thomas goes through. He realizes that humans can't be around God energy for very long because it's so intense. And I think there's a reason why we don't really know and understand what's really going on here in life, why we're here, what God is, what the whole point of this all is, because I think it might feel overwhelming to our nervous systems to handle all of that. So I think there's a good reason why we don't totally know, or maybe don't know at all, but why? Welcoming God, hey Sarah here. If you're enjoying listening to this podcast, please click subscribe. It helps more people find and benefit from this show. Thanks so much, and let's get right back into it.

Sarah Haykel 3:14

It 2014 I felt the call to open my heart to God and Jesus. I really was at the beginning of a new stage of my spiritual maturity and, after rebelling against the religion of Catholicism and what I perceived as God for so many years, but also feeling innately like controlled by God or at the whim of God, you know, constantly feeling guilty about if I made a mistake, if I did something wrong, if I thought a bad thought about someone, if I had some random bad thought go through my head like just wracked with fear, guilt, like God was totally in control, but not for me, that God actually felt like God was against me and not for me. And I remember, you know, in 2019, I spoke with my spiritual coach. We were just talking and he asked me this question that has really changed the way that I see God and this was really the beginning of that journey. Back in 2019, he asked me me do you believe God is benevolent? And my answer was no. I really didn't believe that God was benevolent. I felt betrayed by God so many times. I felt like God was, you know, like in the Depeche Mode song, blasphemous Rumors. You know, I think that God's got a sense of humor and when I die I expect to find him laughing. And I really kind of felt that way sometimes about God, like are you fucking with me? Right now? Sometimes I swear FYI, I didn't grow up in the inner city Baptist churches and the way that they worshiped, and that was such an enlightening experience for me as someone that loves to be boisterous and and you know, you know use my voice and move and clap and exclaim celebration. I was so elated by the fact that I could do that and worship God in that way and then through that, you know, I just again was on the spiritual maturation journey where I realized I don't believe everything that they're saying about the Gospels or about Jesus or about God. Like some of the stuff resonated, some of it didn't, and I noticed that.

Finding Centering Prayer

Sarah Haykel 6:29

And then COVID came. I started working with a spiritual coach and I started to mature more. I was introduced to Richard Rohr and the contemplative tradition in Christianity centering prayer and Thomas Keating and Thomas Merton, and then I tried dabbling in that a little bit and then jumped out of that and was like, oh, sitting and centering prayer for 20 minutes in silence, oh, it's too much, my mind is not quiet enough. And in the meantime I was doing a lot of therapy work on myself, healing from past traumas, issues, stuff in my life, and I just had so many parts of me that would just chime in and just want to be heard, wanted to be seen, while I was sitting in silence. So I went away from the Centering Prayer practice for a few years and then I reconnected with it in the spring of 2024.

Understanding the Source of Life

Sarah Haykel 7:32

I was actually going through an existential crisis and I started doing Centering Prayer then and I really found because I was confronting the void, I was confronting the darkness and it was scaring me. And Centering Prayer was all about sitting in silence, essentially in the dark. My eyes are closed, I'm not talking to anyone else. I'm just sitting with this presence that I call God or source, the source of all that is, was and will be, and that was very necessary for me. It was very consoling to be okay in the darkness, to be okay in the silence, but also with the presence, you know. And every sit is not silent. Some sits I actually use to work with my parts through internal family systems, type work processing, clearing emotions. I actively will work with God. During some of my sits it just seems to be what's right for me. And then some sits I am quiet and I do actually get this felt sense, this deeper sense of the presence of life, and it's so beautiful and you know so. I just want you to know.

Sarah Haykel 8:55

When I'm talking about God quote unquote God, what I'm talking about is the source of life, the most important relationship any of us could ever have with the one true source, whatever that actually is, because I don't know exactly what it is and I know it exists because I experience it in my life consistently, constantly. I see it working in my life, I see it guiding me, even when it's telling me to wait or stop or not do something. I may feel frustrated and I still don't always trust it. Like, oh, I just want to go through that yellow light, can't I just go through it? You want me to stop and wait here? I want to get to where I'm going, and that's a metaphor as well, even though it literally happens while I'm driving spiritual coach.

Sarah Haykel 10:03

What I understand more and more and more is God truly has mine and all others best interest at heart, and I know this might cause some trigger, for people will like what about the people in Gaza? What about the people that are suffering? And look, you know I can't explain all of this, but what I can share is from my own personal experience, and that's what I'm committed to doing here. I cannot speak for other people. I don't have all the answers. I'm still searching and seeking myself. But what's important to me is to share with you Someone like myself that grew up in a dysfunctional, loving, dysfunctional Catholic family, rebelled against the religion and God did not have any relationship with Jesus. I'm still getting to understand who Jesus was and what he was here for on this earth and exploring his teachings and stuff, especially starting to learn more about the Aramaic translations of his teachings and then becoming quote unquote spiritual, because I was opened up to something else in my teens and then exploring that for 21 years until 2014 came around and all of a sudden, end of 2013, beginning of 2014, I just felt a call in my heart to open up to God again and Jesus even, and that was truly the beginning of this next stage of my journey.

Sarah Haykel 11:43

And for a few years into that journey, from 2014 to 2020, I was still largely in a beginner's place. I mean, I love the concept of beginner's mind from Buddhism. I always feel like a beginner and I was still operating a lot from old ideas of God and what my relationship with God was guilt, fear but then starting to work with the spiritual coach, moving into 2020, then COVID happened. Then I started realizing like, oh, there is grace here. Okay, I'm not sure what's going to happen next and I am repeatedly shown over and over again that I am held. Something is working in my favor, as long as I listen and respond to that, and that's something that we'll talk about on this podcast, as well as the gift of listening and responding to the guidance of the one true source. And so, you know, I started to evolve spiritually and mature.

Sarah Haykel 13:06

I didn't believe all of the stuff that I was raised with and I also recognized I didn't believe a lot of the things that they teach in church either. So I'm still on that journey and, like I said, still seeking, still seeking to understand, and I just want to know more of and get closer to the source of all of life, god, and I want to share the goodness of what God is doing for me and my life and how being in an intimately bonded relationship with this one true source is supporting me, because it is so much better than I could have ever imagined it to be. And what I mean by that is things aren't exactly how human Sarah wants them to be, but when I surrender to the true will of God and I know this songchannelmusic. com sounds so religious, you know it nui is language. That comes from my Catholic and Christian upbringing, because I do come from a more Christian perspective, but, influenced by Buddhism and Taoism and the Sufi poet, rumi, and yogic and Ayurvedic philosophy and native traditions. I'm influenced by a lot of different traditions, but when I truly surrender to what God wants and has for me and just truly open up to this, it is better, so much better than I could ever create for myself alone. So I want to share this goodness with you because it's this important and you know I'm specifically really speaking anybody that's listening.

Invitation to Seekers and Closing

Sarah Haykel 15:10

This podcast is for you, and I really want to speak to those that were like me or are like me, still repelled by the word God, repelled by Jesus. You feel either super angry and mad at the religious tradition of Christianity or your own tradition. You're seeking something else that is still aligned with the one true source and you are feeling the call in your heart to open up to this one true source. So thank you for joining me here and I look forward to speaking with you on the next episode. Thanks for joining me on another episode of Welcoming God. Please subscribe to this podcast wherever you listen and consider leaving us a review, as it helps more people find and benefit from this show. Music by Song Channel Music. You can listen and hear more at songchannelmusiccom. Until we meet again, aloha, miwi loa, take care and God bless.