Sexual Abuse and Healing: Essential Knowledge and Support

In the newest Still Waters Podcast episode, Teri issues a content warning and discusses sexual abuse amid renewed attention from the Epstein files. Citing recent CDC and advocacy data, the episode highlights the prevalence of sexual violence and outlines definitions and forms of abuse. She explains the difference between consent and coercion, reviews effects of trauma, and encourages healing through support and faith, inviting listeners to seek help. 

00:00 Welcome and Trigger Warning 

00:58 Why This Conversation Matters 

02:17 The Stats on Sexual Violence 

04:20 Breaking the Silence 

06:12 Defining Sexual Abuse 

08:54 Forms of Abuse and Grooming 

10:58 Consent vs Coercion 

15:58 Sexual Abuse in Marriage 

17:45 Why It’s So Confusing 

18:59 Trauma in the Body 

21:42 Shame and the Healing Path 

24:33 Neuroplasticity and New Pathways 

27:08 Hope, Faith, and Next Steps 

Contact The Still Waters Team 

www.stillwaterslife.com

Email us at:

• Julie@stillwaterslife.com
• Rufus@stillwaterslife.com
• Teri@stillwaterslife.com
• Abrielle@stillwaterslife.com

Let us help you find healing and wellness at The Still Waters.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Hello, and welcome back to the Stillwaters Podcast. Today is Thursday, March 12th of the year 2026. It is hard to believe that we are almost halfway finished with March. So we're going to continue our series that we have been working our way through in the last several weeks. But before we start today's episode, I want to share some words of caution because today's episode touches on sexual abuse. And for some people that may be listening in our audience today, that might be a little bit of a difficult subject to listen to. So if at any point you need to step away for a bit, please do take care of yourself because there's no reason for you to rush through this episode if you find it to be challenging. If you have been watching the news lately, there have been a lot of reports about the Epstein files and all the crimes that took place when Jeffrey Epstein was alive that were related to sexual abuse, sexual trafficking. It seems that every day there's new information that's being revealed. So it seems that some people are starting to wake up to the awfulness of sexual abuse and trafficking and starting to acknowledge that it's really happening. So on today's episode, we are going to specifically focus on understanding sexual abuse. I want to put words and thoughts to this topic because often when it comes up, it's met with silence. And that silence is a result of people really being uncomfortable talking about the subject. But we can't continue to have silence on this topic because so many people are affected by it. So let me give you a few stats to help make this a little bit clearer or more real to you. So according to the CDC, based on data from 2024 to 2026, so that's just the last couple of years, the CDC and national advocacy groups claim that sexual violence in the United States is a widespread issue, with approximately 45% of women and nearly 17% of men experiencing some kind of uh contact sexual violence at some point in their lifetime. So that's a pretty astounding statistic. So that's just the general stat that doesn't go into the specifics of what type of sexual violence it was. Let's talk about children now. According to the CDC statistics, approximately one in four girls and one in 13, up to one in 20 boys in the U.S. will experience child sexual abuse of some sort before they turn the age of 18. So I don't know if you put any stock in statistics, but research is there for a reason. And these statistics are awful. So this episode is really specifically about understanding, about putting words to something that often is held in silence because people are really uncomfortable talking about it. And so today we are not going to be uncomfortable talking about it. Within my own work with clients, I've come to realize there are so, so many misunderstandings about this topic. Honestly, all of this is due to ignorance. And unfortunately, many of these comments are coming from people of faith. You know, there is something floating around the internet regarding this that I saw a friend post the other day, and I thought it was worth noting. It said, the Epstein files are everywhere, at dinner tables, in group chats, on podcasts, and in the middle of all the opinions, jokes, debates, and dismissals, someone who has lived through sexual violence is sitting quietly, listening very closely to how the people they love and respect are speaking about it. Someone affected is always in the room, learning how safe it really is to exist in that space. Wow. I thought that was powerful. Because often we, and I put myself in this category too, often we spout our opinions about things of which we have no experience or no knowledge. And because of our ignorance, we can cause more harm to someone who has experienced this type of abuse. So today, this podcast is not just going to spout mere opinion, but rather realities and truth about this topic. We're going to talk about what sexual abuse actually is, the different forms and why sometimes it's confusing to recognize. And we're going to talk about how it affects the body and the mind and why healing from it is so incredibly important. So let's get started with a very simple definition. If you've listened to this podcast previously, you have heard me say multiple times that I always like to define terms. So to put it simply, sexual abuse is any sexual behavior that happens without true free consent. So that's the way to explain it simply. But I think for maximum understanding, it's important that you have a broader definition that is used frequently in the realm of recovery work for people who have experienced this. So I work regularly with individuals that have had sexual abuse in their life of some sort. And more often than not, people think that sexual abuse is limited to sexual intercourse. But there are actually other sexually abusive behaviors that can result in the same damage to a victim as sexual abuse that involves intercourse. So a resource that I use frequently defines abuse in the following way. Sexual abuse is any sexual activity, verbal, visual, or physical, engaged in without consent, which may be emotionally or physically harmful, and which exploits a person in order to meet another person's sexual or emotional needs. The person does not consent if he or she cannot reasonably choose to consent or refuse because of age, circumstances, level of understanding, and dependency or relationship to the offender. Whew, okay, that was a mouthful. And this is a really broad definition, but it needs to be broad because yes, sexual abuse can include unexpected violent force, but it doesn't always include that. In fact, more often it includes things like pressure, manipulation, exploitation, and someone taking advantage of power over someone else in a sexual manner. So if you recall, in our previous episodes, every single type of abuse I've discussed revolves around power and control. And sexual abuse is no different. It fulfills different needs of the abuser. Okay, so now that we have this definition, it's important to understand that sexual abuse can take on different forms. And not all of them look the same. So, for example, let's talk about children. When children are sexually abused, it often involves grooming, which is when an adult slowly builds trust and secrecy in order to exploit that child or abuse that child. And the adult or the offender often does this by offering gifts, special attention, special privileges. And all of these actions slowly blur the lines of what is appropriate versus what is not appropriate in an adult child relationship. In maybe a teen and adult relationship, sexual abuse can involve coercion. That's when someone is pressuring another person into sexual activity and that they don't truly want. It can involve harassment, unwanted touching, it can involve being forced, manipulated into sexual acts. Sometimes it involves sexual exploitation, like sharing private images digitally without consent or pressuring someone to create them. And sometimes sexual abuse even happens within a marriage, which can be particularly confusing for people to recognize. So another thing that takes place, and it's very difficult for people to process, is that sexual abuse doesn't always come from strangers. Most often it happens with someone the person knows. This could be a dating partner, a family member, a friend, some kind of trusted leader, or even a spouse, as was mentioned earlier. And sexual abuse can hide inside of all of these familiar relationships. So the word consent is a key word in that definition that I just read to you. Because it requires a few things. Consent requires freedom. So, in other words, the freedom to be able to say yes or no to a sexual experience. If someone is scared or threatened, they do not have this freedom. Consent also requires capacity. This means that a person has to have the mental capability to say yes or to say no to a sexual experience. For example, a child does not have the mental capacity to say no to someone attempting to harm them sexually. Their brain's not even fully developed when they're a child. Therefore, they cannot give consent to this behavior. And that's what is outlined in legal terms when we talk about age of consent. And it requires clarity, which means that a person needs to be able to cognitively make a decision. If someone is under the influence of alcohol or any kind of substance abuse or even some kind of prescription drug, maybe, that interferes with a person's ability to make a healthy decision, they cannot give consent. So when these things are missing in the scenario, sexual abuse is happening. So that's a key word, but another word I've been throwing around is coercion. And those two can get confusing. So I want to go a little bit deeper into our understanding of the two words so that you understand the difference. And the simplest way to explain the difference is consent is a real choice. Coercion takes place when someone keeps pushing until the choice no longer feels like it's free. So, in other words, if someone has to be pressured or guilted into a circumstance, that it isn't consent. Consent's not simply the absence of saying the word no, it is the presence of a yes. Consent is when permission is granted by an individual to willingly participate in an activity. It must be communicated clearly and not assumed. And this can apply to other scenarios, not just sexual abuse. A thing to note regarding consent to sexual activity is that consent should not be given without the understanding that there are risks involved if one chooses to be sexually active. Coercion, on the other hand, is different. Coercion is pressuring someone to do something against their will by using this force, physical force, or by using threats. So in my work with teenagers, there's a there's a way I illustrate this, so I'm gonna explain it to you because I think it it's good for adults as well. But I want you to imagine offering someone a cup of tea. You ask, would you like some tea? And they say no, thank you. A respectful response is simple, and that would be you don't make the tea. But in a coercive situation, it would look like the person keeps asking, Oh, come on, just try the tea. I already put on the kettle, you had tea with me last week. If you cared about me, you'd drink the tea. You're making this awkward. So eventually the person sighs and says, Alright, fine, give me the tea. Did they suddenly want the tea? Not really. They just wanted the pressure to stop. So that's kind of what sexual coercion looks like. Someone keeps pushing, persuading, guilt tripping until the other person gives in. Not because they want to, but because they feel worn down. Real consent is when someone freely wants the tea, not when they drink it just as in the conversation. Now we need to talk about something else that many people struggle to wrap their minds around, and that is the fact that sexual abuse can happen inside of a marriage. Some of us were taught growing up that once you're married, your spouse automatically has sexual rights to your body. That saying no is selfish or even sinful. But marriage does not erase consent. A wedding ring is not a permanent permission slip to sexual intimacy. In a healthy marriage, that sexual intimacy is mutual. It's built on respect, it's built on open communication between the husband and the wife, and it's built on care for each other's well-being, which is biblical. Pressure, fear, manipulation, or punishment for saying no all violate personal boundaries. It can be direct, like statements such as, if you really loved me, or the Bible says that you can't refuse me, or it can be indirect through anger or silence or persistent requests until someone gives in. But genuine intimacy thrives when individuals maintain their autonomy. Rather than diminishing a person's sense of security, marriage ought to strengthen it. So now I want to talk about why sexual abuse is so confusing. And one reason that sexual abuse is so hard to recognize is because it often comes with mixed affection. The same person who harms someone may also show kindness and attention and love. And as a result, many victims or survivors of sexual abuse struggle with thoughts like maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe I misunderstood what happened. Maybe it was my fault. These thoughts are incredibly common with the abused. But let me say something that needs to be heard loud and clear. Responsibility for abuse always belongs to the person who crossed the boundary. Sexual abuse doesn't just live in a person's memory, it actually lives in the nervous system. Our brains are wired for survival. So when something threatening happens, like sexual abuse, the body goes into protection mode. You've probably heard of fight, flight, or freeze. Sometimes people freeze. They go numb. They can't move. They're still. It's not because there's a weakness in them and that they're giving in, it's their nervous system trying to survive something that is so incredibly overwhelming. So imagine a smoke alarm that goes off during a real fire. Even after the fire is out, the alarm might keep reacting to things like steam or smoke from cooking. Have you ever had that happen in your house? Maybe you burn something in your oven and your fire alarm goes off. And then you kind of fan the smoke away, but then it still keeps going off. Well, trauma due to sexual abuse can work in a similar fashion. The brain becomes more alert to danger, just like that fire alarm. That can show up in a lot of different ways. It can show up like anxiety, it can show up in relationships where people, where a person who's been victimized has a difficulty trusting other people. It can show up in the body having a hard time sleeping. Sudden emotional reactions are common. And even feeling just disconnected from your own body. So for some people, sexual intimacy at all becomes frightening. So you can imagine how that might impact a marriage. For others, it can become a way to regain control. Both of these responses are completely understandable because your body, your nervous system is trying to make sense of something that didn't feel safe. And so the result is some deep emotional consequences. Deep emotional impact. Most survivors of sexual abuse struggle with shame, even though in their head they know that the abuse was not their fault. But shame is a powerful emotion. It convinces people that they are the problem. Rather than recognizing what was done to them, it can affect how someone sees themselves, their value, their worth, their ability to trust others, and even it can interfere with their relationship with God. But you know what? Shame, it thrives because all of the silence around this topic. And healing truly doesn't begin until the truth is acknowledged and spoken in the proper setting. And when I say with the proper setting, I mean with a person that is safe and not just anyone out there meets that qualification. Healing from sexual abuse is not something that happens quickly. It's also not something that a person can do by just checking a list of tasks and getting all their ducks in a row. There are times when a person on the healing path will be making some great progress and then there'll be a setback. That's why you'll often hear those of us that work with survivors say that the healing process is not linear. It involves learning to reconnect with your own body, learning to establish boundaries that you may have never learned to establish. And learning about your own sense of safety and what that looks like. Sometimes it means talking with a trauma-informed counselor or a coach. It involves grieving what was taken away. A child that's been sexually abused has been introduced to sexual intimacy long before they're supposed to have been. They have to grieve that loss of their childhood. And an adult survivor has to grieve the loss of safety that they had before that experience happened. So healing doesn't mean that we're going to pretend that it didn't occur or that the past didn't happen, but that the past no longer controls the present of the survivor. Let me illustrate what healing looks like to give you a very clear picture. Imagine you're walking through a forest. The first time you walk through it, you have to push branches aside, you have to step over grass that's been growing. It's slow and it's difficult to get through the forest, right? But if you walk that same path every day, something happens. Something changes. The grass begins to die off, and it and you know, there's a little path there, right? The ground becomes clearer. Eventually, there's a visible trail that you can walk down. Your brain works in a similar way. Every time you think, react, or feel something, your nervous system and your brain travels a pathway. So when someone experiences trauma from sexual abuse, the brain may build strong pathways for things like fear, panic, hyperalertness. This can make life very challenging for the individual who's experienced the abuse. But the hopeful side to all of this is that it doesn't have to stay that way because new paths can be created through repeated safe experiences, supportive relationships, healthy coping skills, and calming practices, the brain begins to change and form those new pathways, those new trails. At first, that feels a little awkward and it's hard to follow. But over time, with repetition, the new path becomes clearer and easier to travel. You know, our magnificent brains that God created have the powerful capability of healing after sexual abuse has taken place and the capability of relearning safety. That's what neuroplasticity is all about. The ability of the nervous system to change its activity in response to stimuli by reorganizing its structure and connections. Okay, in other words, your nervous system is capable of relearning safety. So if you're listening today and you've experienced this type of abuse, I want you to hear my heart. What happened to you was not your fault. What happened to you was not your fault because you might have froze. That was just a normal body response. What happened to you was not your fault because you didn't say no loudly enough. What happened to you was not your fault because you trusted someone who betrayed you. The responsibility of this always, always, always belongs to the one who crossed the boundary and caused the abuse. Sometimes people don't understand that reality, and they make comments that imply that the one that was harmed was really at fault. And if you've ever walked this path, don't let anyone convince you of that because it's not the truth. Sexual abuse is devastating, regardless of how it happens. But it does not get the final word over someone's life. A person who has experienced this can heal. They can learn to trust again. They can learn what safety looks like. And you know what? No one has to walk that journey by themselves. No one has to walk that journey alone. At the still waters, we are equipped and capable of helping in these types of situations. And you know who else is equipped and capable of helping? Jesus. He is always available to help anyone through the healing process. In fact, I don't know how people go through the healing process without letting him guide you. I'm reminded of a passage in Psalms, Psalm 34, verse 17 through 18, that says, When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the Christian spirit. That's what sexual abuse does to a person. That's how a person who's been sexually abused feels. Brokenhearted, Christian spirit. So if you've experienced this type of abuse, let those words help you find comfort. And please reach out to the Stillwaters team. We will believe your story and we'll walk alongside you on your healing journey. Thank you for being here today and listening and sitting with something that's difficult to hear and difficult to talk about. Until next time, may you find healing and wellness at the Stillwaters.