Spiritual Abuse-Is it Real?

In episode 48 of The Still Waters Podcast, Teri addresses spiritual abuse—often experienced as “church hurt”—as a form of power and control that uses God, scripture, or spiritual authority to manipulate, silence, and trap people in churches, families, marriages, or dating relationships. The episode explains how scripture can be twisted as a weapon, including distorted teachings on submission that excuse harm, and how institutions may prioritize reputation over protecting victims, sometimes discouraging reporting or involving legal authorities. It also clarifies that forgiveness does not mean denying abuse or removing boundaries, and that accountability and forgiveness can coexist. Teri describes the lasting impact on identity and trust in God, contrasts unhealthy vs. healthy spiritual leadership, outlines healing steps and emphasizes the central truth: God never partners with oppression. 

00:00 Welcome and Warning

03:27 What Spiritual Abuse Is

04:33 Scripture as a Weapon

06:44 Submission Misused

09:53 Protecting Reputation

11:06 Forgiveness and Boundaries

12:38 Damage to Faith

15:14 Healthy Leadership

16:46 Healing Steps

18:48 God Never Oppresses

19:20 Closing 

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www.stillwaterslife.com

Email us at:

• Julie@stillwaterslife.com
• Rufus@stillwaterslife.com
• Teri@stillwaterslife.com
• Abrielle@stillwaterslife.com

Let us help you find healing and wellness at The Still Waters.

Transcript

Speaker 0:22

Hello, and welcome back to the Stillwaters Podcast. This is episode number 48. And on behalf of our entire team, we are so thankful that you chose to tune in today. It's March 19th, 2026, and today we're going to talk about something that can be really difficult for some people to actually put their finger on, and that is the topic of spiritual abuse. I feel somewhat like a broken record because all of the episodes in our series on abuse have been difficult, and this one is no different. For some people listening to this topic, it may feel uncomfortable because maybe you've never even considered the possibility that spiritual abuse even exists. For others listening, it may be painfully familiar because you have seen it with your own eyes. So if this topic does stir up some challenging emotions for you personally, let me remind you that you have the power to stop and start listening to the broadcast however and whenever you need to. You can always come back and listen to it later if it's causing some problems for you. But this is an important conversation because spiritual abuse is real and it can be an incredibly confusing form of harm that when someone experiences it. Sometimes we call it church hurt when it's in the context of a church setting. But spiritual abuse can take place in other settings too. It can take place in homes and families and marriages. When an abuse occurs within a church community or some faith setting, when someone uses God and scripture or spiritual power to manipulate other people, the resulting harm is often more profound than most people recognize. As a side note, did you hear that keyword that I just stated? That it's been stated in each and every single episode in this series. It was the word power. Just like all the other types of abuse, spiritual abuse is an attempt at power and control of other individuals, other image bearers. And it's extremely harmful to relationships. Not only can it harm relationships, but it can shake someone's sense of identity. And sometimes it can even damage their trust in God. So today we're going to talk about what it is and what it often looks like and why it can be so damaging. And we're going to hold on to one steady truth the entire time. And that truth is God never partners with oppression. You can see that over and over and over in Scripture. God protects the oppressed. So remember, God never partners with oppression. And keep that in mind as a truth throughout all of the things that you will hear in this episode. So, okay, what exactly is spiritual abuse? That may be something you're asking yourself. Spiritual abuse happens when someone uses religious beliefs or scripture or maybe spiritual authority to manipulate, control, and silence other people. Just like I mentioned earlier, sometimes this happens through church leaders, sometimes it happens in families, sometimes it happens in marriages, or it can even happen in dating relationships. And sometimes it happens quietly through words that sound spiritual but carry the idea of control underneath them. Spiritual abuse is especially powerful because it ties obedience to God with obedience to a person. It creates the feeling that if you question someone, you're questioning God. And that can make people feel trapped and confused. Okay, so let's talk about scripture first because sometimes scripture is used to silence other people. It's used as a weapon. Scripture is meant to guide us, teach us, comfort us, and reveal truth to us. But in an abusive environment, it gets twisted into a tool for control. So for example, someone is told that they can't question any leadership of any type. They just have to submit and be quiet. Well, when verses are used out of context and used to shut down conversation or silence, then something's gonna awry there. Because that's not what's supposed to happen. Think of it this way: think about a flashlight. Uh think about a time your power has gone out and you reach for the flashlight because you know that it will it was designed and meant to help you, guide you when you're walking around in the dark because your power's out. But instead of using it properly, somebody that's with you takes that flashlight and they just shine it directly into your face, into your eyes, so that you can't see anything. So one second you're in dark, and the next minute it's so bright you can't see anything. That's not helpful, right? The tool, the flashlight, itself is not a bad thing. But the way it's being used cause some harm. The same thing can happen with the Bible. Scripture should bring clarity and understanding. It should teach us, but it can be used inappropriately. In this case, the Bible is the tool, right? Like the flashlight that should be helping guide us in the dark, but instead it's being used to create fear and sometimes even silence. Um, one place that I have seen spiritual abuse often showing up is in teachings about submission. So, in some environments, submission is presented as complete, total obedience without question. But I would argue that healthy spiritual teaching always exists with the idea of mutual submission. So we often turn to Ephesians chapter 5 when we're talking about a husband and wife relationship, right? And we look at verse 22 and the verses that follow verse 22 to explain submission of a wife to her husband. But we completely ignore the verse right before in 21, where it states that we're to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Not just the wife, but to one another. Of course, all of this is to take place within a context of dignity and safety of both individuals. The concept of submission was never meant to mean tolerating harm. Yet in abusive circumstances, that's often what happens. Someone might hear things like, well, a godly wife just submits. No questions asked. And the godly husband leads. There's no room for if maybe the husband is not being godly. And then we're supposed to submit to his sinful behaviors. Some people believe that. So another thing that's very common is if you were just more respectful, he wouldn't act like that. That's what women, some women tell other women, well, you're bringing this on yourself because you're not being, you're not being respectful to him. Okay, well, I'm trying my best to be respectful to him. I can't control what he does and what he doesn't do. Um, I can't control his behavior. So, regardless of what I do, he's going, you know, he may behave in a way that's not appropriate. Someone might be told that enduring mistreatment is somehow a sign of spiritual maturity. In other words, a person must suffer because they must submit. But submission was never meant to mean that type of silence in the face of harm. And it certainly was never meant to protect abusive behavior. Healthy spiritual leadership should reflect the character of Christ. I'm thinking of the fruits of the spirit. And none of those fruits that we read about in Galatians chapter 5 include power, control, or intimidation by one spouse to another, or by one person to another person, even in a situation that's not a marital situation. Okay, another challenging part of spiritual abuse happens when churches become more concerned about their reputation than about protecting people. Sometimes when abuse is reported, the first reaction isn't care for the person that got harmed or the victim of the abuse, but rather they go into damage control mode. There's more concern about what people from the outside will think. Oh, this could divide the church. And sometimes the person who was harmed is encouraged to just sit back and stay quiet for the sake of unity. But protecting a religious body or institution at the expense of a person who's endured abusive behavior, also known as oppression, is not what the church was designed for. And you know, there are legal requirements or laws that have been established to deal with abuse, depending on what type of abuse it is. So there's times when legal authorities may need to be involved. Another area, specifically, where spiritual abuse often shows up is around the concept of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a powerful principle that is discussed in scripture, and it's it's also part of the process of a person who's been abused of, it's part of their healing process to actually forgive people that have harmed them. But it can be misunderstood if someone is told that they just need to forgive and move on, or they shouldn't hold bitterness or hold a grudge. I'm not saying that someone should hold a grudge, but oftentimes that they are they can be viewed as being bitter or holding a grudge when they're actually just trying to protect themselves. They're just trying to establish a boundary and get through what they're getting through. They can hear, if you were truly spiritual, you would let this just go. You would just let this go. But you know what? Forgiveness does not mean pretending something didn't happen. And it certainly doesn't mean allowing harmful behavior to continue. Forgiveness involves accountability. Those are not two opposite ideas, they can exist together. So you can forgive someone in your heart and still need to establish that boundary with them because their behavior has not changed or their behavior is not safe. When abuse happens in a faith context, the damage often spreads into a person's relationship with God. If a trusted leader misuses authority, if scripture was used to silence someone, if a church community protected the abuser instead of the wounded, it can make someone question a whole bunch of things. They can question if they trust spiritual authority at all, or the spiritual leader, if they can ever trust him again. They can question their own discernment. And sometimes they even question if they can trust God. Those are real thoughts and questions that circulate in people's minds when they've been victimized in a church setting. And when that happens, that person deserves some space, not shame. Because our faith, our church family is supposed to be a place of refuge. When it becomes a place of harm, healing often requires rebuilding trust. And that doesn't happen fast. In fact, sometimes it happens really slowly. Many survivors of spiritual abuse describe feeling confused, angry, ashamed, disconnected from their faith. And you know what? Sometimes, and this is the saddest thing of all, sometimes they walk away from the church entirely. Others can feel guilty for even questioning what happened. And some feel like they're spiritual center, is the only way I know how to describe it. They feel like it has just been completely broken. And it can take time to rediscover what healthy faith actually looks like. So just imagine someone who has never ever not been involved in a spiritual family of some sort, and then they're spiritually abused, their whole world turns upside down. So, as I said, it can take time to rediscover what a healthy spiritual family situation actually should look like. And you know what? When that healing starts, sometimes it starts by separating God's character from the actions of the people who misused his name. Okay, we've covered what unhealthy spiritual leadership can look like. Let's pivot and look at what healthy spiritual leadership looks like. Because not all church leaders and all people that are in authority within a church context are bad leaders. Healthy spiritual leadership looks very different, though. Very different from maintaining that power and control. And it looks different because questions are welcome. Disagreement is allowed, and it's allowed to be discussed in a civil manner. It protects vulnerable people in the flock. And one of the most important things that should be visible in a healthy spiritual leadership is that this individual or individuals can acknowledge their own mistakes and repent of any wrongdoing that they participated in. Healthy spiritual leaders point people toward God, not toward loyalty to man's opinion and human authority. Healthy leaders don't need to silence people to maintain influence because healthy spiritual leaders lead with humility. Isn't that what Christ did? He's the most humble person that's ever lived. All right. Let's look at what healing after spiritual abuse occurs. What does that look like? Well, healing from spiritual abuse often involves a few steps. First, you have to be able to name what happened. Some people are going to spend years minimizing their experience because they're afraid of criticizing the church or criticizing the leadership in the church. But naming harm is not attacking faith, it's telling the truth. Second, healing looks like reconnecting with your own discernment. Abuse often teaches people to distrust their own instincts. So part of the healing is learning to listen to your internal warning signals again. And third, it involves finding a safe spiritual community. Unfortunately, not every church or every church leader operates in the same way. And they are not all safe. But there are some healthy communities that exist. But sometimes it takes time and caution to find those places. When someone uses God's name to control others, it distorts something that's sacred. Your confusion over this, your anger, your grief, or your distance from the setting in which you were harmed makes complete sense. But keep in mind, just like the other abuses that I've been discussing in this series, healing can happen, but it takes time and it has to be handled carefully, one step at a time. So let's return to the central truth of today's episode. Do you remember what it was? God never partners with oppression. God does not require silence in the face of harm. God does not bless manipulation. And God does not ask people to endure abuse in order to prove their faithfulness. Throughout Scripture, God consistently moves toward the oppressed and the wounded, not away from them. Once again, I thank you for tuning in to this episode and sticking with it today. I know for some it was likely difficult to listen to. And as always, if you need to process this type of abuse because you've experienced it, our team is available to help you start down that road to healing. Before I finish, I want to go back to the psalm that I mentioned earlier in the broadcast, Psalm 9-9. But this time let's look at verse 10. Verse 9 says, The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Verse 10 says, Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. So don't forget that. Don't forget that the Lord will always be by your side and walk with you through any type of abusive situation that you've encountered. Until next time, may you find healing and wellness at the still waters.