Protecting Children in Abusive Environments

In this episode of our series on abuse, Teri discusses caring for children in abusive environments, emphasizing that kids often internalize harm, blame themselves, and may even equate abuse with love. She addresses the unique challenges of co-parenting with an abusive parent. Practical guidance focuses on being an “anchor” through consistency, emotional safety, and repair after mistakes. The episode also teaches how to communicate truth without shaming. 

00:00 Welcome 
01:38 Inside a Childs Experience
02:11 The Backpack Metaphor
04:13 Signs of Hidden Trauma
06:32 Co Parenting With Abuse
10:06 Be the Anchor at Home
10:43 Consistency Safety and Repair
13:06 Truth Without Shame
15:48 Sorting Truth With Love
16:40 Closing

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• Rufus@stillwaterslife.com
• Teri@stillwaterslife.com
• Abrielle@stillwaterslife.com
• Melissa@stillwaterslife.com
• Chris@stillwaterslife.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello and welcome back to the Stillwaters Podcast. Today is April 30th, 2026. Today's discussion is going to address a sensitive and complex issue, and that's the issue of caring for children that are in an abusive environment. So this is the next segment in our series on abuse. So if there are parents or grandparents, teachers, mentors, or individuals who are listening today who have experienced similar abusive situations, it's essential to recognize that children that are in harmful circumstances are not to be disregarded. As you've heard me state in previous episodes, we know that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And that applies to all children affected by abuse. So we're going to talk about the impact that abuse can have on a child's emotional and physical well-being. We're going to talk about some of the difficulties that happen when you're trying to co-parent with someone who's perpetuating abuse and approaches to communicating truth without causing more shame. And so while these topics are challenging, there's still valuable insights and hope that can be found within this conversation. So let's start with what's happening inside a child. Because children don't experience abuse the way that adults do. They don't recognize and understand that what's happened to them is an unhealthy behavior that someone else has inflicted upon them. They put it all on themselves, often thinking that they've done something that's wrong. They've done something to cause the abusive circumstance. I like to describe it in a way that you know makes it pretty crystal clear. Imagine that a child has a backpack on. They're walking through life with this backpack on their back. And at first, that backpack is empty. So it's really light, it's really easy to carry. But every time something harmful happens, whether it's yelling by somebody or manipulation by someone, uh, someone's inflicted fear into their hearts, or maybe they're unpredictable as to how they're going to behave around the child, or maybe the child's experienced unwanted touching of some sort. I mean, the list could go on, okay? But all of those things I just listed, all of those are abusive. But a child doesn't have the language to be able to articulate that those things are happening, and they have a hard time processing it. So instead, what they do is they put all of that in their backpack. They create explanations in their minds, thinking that, well, okay, this happened. Maybe I caused this. Or this, you know, another one that happens, and this is really awful, is that they start to equate abuse with love. This is what love must feel like. And so, once again, what happens to that backpack they're carrying? It gets heavier and heavier. And the tragedy here is that no one talked to them and told them that they weren't supposed to carry all of that in their backpack. So the weight in their backpack that they're carrying around shows up in different ways. Okay, it can show up as anxiety or hypervigilance, always watching, always scanning, always bracing for the next abusive situation, which you know is just a sign that there's fear there in the child's mind. Uh, it can show up as people-pleasing, um, trying to do everything just right in order to prevent the abuse from happening. It can also show up as a withdrawal or just a complete emotional shutdown. Flip side of that can also show up as aggression or acting out. You see a child that is acting out, and you're thinking, wow, that kid's just really got issues. Well, yeah, they do. They've been they've had issues because they've been harmed by someone, and that's the way they're dealing with it. They're being aggressive and acting out. And the other thing is confusion. Confusion about what love is, confusion about what safety means, and not understanding anything about boundaries. Some children are going to become very compliant if they've been in abusive situations, but others are going to become very reactive. Okay, so both of those scenarios, whether they're compliant or they're reactive, both of those are trying to cope with the same question is how do I feel safe? I've been in this situation, and now that was unsafe, and I have to take control of my life to feel safe. How do I do that? I'm reminded of what Jesus said in Matthew 18, where he said, if anyone causes one of these little ones to stumble, it would be better to have a millstone hung around their neck. Scripture is pretty clear that Jesus valued children. God values the protection of children. And so we we should be that way as well. So I want you to think about a situation that happens quite frequently in our current culture. I want you to consider the challenges of a person who is a single parent. And they're trying to co-parent with someone who is abusive. A parent can feel stuck because leaving a relationship or changing the dynamics of a relationship doesn't always allow that parent to prevent their child from ongoing contact with a person who's abusive. They don't always have control over whether their children can step away with them or not. And so that ends up being a real problem. So picture a child moving between two homes now. In one home, they may experience kindness and stability and predictability, that's really important. In the other, the rules of the house might always be changing. Emotions might be very feel very unsafe. And love from the other parent or the other adults in that setting might seem very conditional. So it's the child is kind of expected to follow two entirely different sets of rules, and that can leave them unsure which one to trust. And so as a result, they begin to adapt and they shift who they are, just trying to navigate and survive both of those worlds. So when children are in this type of situation, um, it's not uncommon for them to defend the parent that's exhibiting the abusive behavior. Um, they also might repeat some of the harmful language or actions that they are seeing and learning when they're in that that setting. Their behavior can really vary depending on which home they are in. So this can be, you know, obviously a significant distress for the protective parent or the one who's not abusive. And it could it can cause confusion for that parent, too, because it can have them questioning why their child would align with an individual who causes harm. But the child is looking for attachment to the parent. And so rather than focusing on basically right versus wrong, they're gonna prioritize maintaining a relationship, even when it means disregarding certain truths. So it's you can have a child who will go into an abusive parent's home and adapt, basically. And that can be confusing for the other parent who's not abusive. Okay, so what can a parent do if they can't control the environment? Well, you have to focus on protecting that child. You have to be, you have to be like an anchor, like an anchor on a ship. You know, an anchor on a ship is going to keep that boat steady or that ship steady, and you have to be the person that keeps that child steady. You have to be the dependable one when chaos starts, when there's a storm happening, right? Without chasing after every single challenge that comes along. So, okay, practically, what does that look like? Well, consistency, number one, consistency. Children have to be able to understand where you're coming from. So they thrive when they can rely on what happens around them being predictable. So you have to have consistent tone of voice, consistently clear boundaries, and consistent affection for that child. It's important to offer an environment that cultivates emotional safety, where children are free to express their emotions rather than stifle them. They can feel sad but not be ignored by a parent because they're sad. They can show anger but show it without being fearful of being punished because they're showing anger. Um, confusion, right? The whole thing, the whole set scenario is confusing for the child. So it's important that they could be able to experience that confusion without one of the parents being you know quick to correct constantly. Mistakes are going to happen, and you're not going to always respond perfectly, and that doesn't matter. That that happens whether you're in a situation where uh the parents are living together or whether the parents are not living together. When things go wrong, you have to own up to it, you have to return and you have to make amends for what happened and how it went wrong. This entire process, I'll call it a process, is demonstrates something to your child that's very, very important. It demonstrates that relationships can break, but they can also be rebuilt. Okay, so consistency, emotional safety, and repair. Let's do away with the whole perfectionist attitude. And remember that the relationship that you have with your child is what is critically important here. Alright, the next thing I want to talk about is being able to speak truth to your child without shaming. This is something that takes a lot of wisdom and a lot of control on the part of the parent. How can you be honest without causing harm to your child? Truth is important. Truth should not be like a hammer smashing something. It should be more like a window. A hammer breaks things apart, but a window allows light to enter into the home. So it can it can seem easier to be very negative about the other person in the relationship that's that's no longer living in the home. You can you can be very critical of you know saying things like, you know, that person's toxic, toxic, your dad's toxic, your mom's manipulative, they're the problem. Okay, you can do that, but that's not what you should do. And the reason is because your child is emotionally tied to that person and will be for the rest of their life. When you criticize them, it me it's gonna feel to your child like that you're attacking part of them as well. So instead of attacking, share the truth in ways that can be safe and can help your child's sense of self. So if you notice that dad is being toxic, or if he's behaving in a toxic manner, rather than putting it on him, rather than saying, oh, your dad's just so toxic, you know, maybe reframe it as that behavior isn't correct, that behavior isn't right. Or you shouldn't have been treated like that if one of the parents was trying to manipulate the other. Or reframe it as in our home, we're gonna speak respectfully, rather than pushing blame on other people. This way you're calling out the actions of the other person rather than labeling their identity. Think of it this way: when you are trying to teach a child how to sort their laundry, you want to make sure the whites are in one pile, the colors are in one pile, the darks are in another pile, right? You're helping your child figure that out. Just like you're sorting laundry, you're sorting what's true, what's false, what belongs to them that they need to own up to, and what doesn't belong to them. And you have to do all of this without overwhelming them. And you can do this by speaking the truth in love, not just the truth. Dad may be toxic, that's the truth, right? But you're also speaking with love because you the balance has to be there. The balance is incredibly important. So if you find yourself on this path right now, journeying through some of these scenarios that I've mentioned today, I want you to hear this. You are engaged in deeply important work. And that's the work of raising that child in a healthy environment. And you know what? That may go unnoticed by your spouse, your former spouse. It might not always feel like you're getting a pat on the back or you're getting some kind of reward. Yet when you remain consistent, when you provide that secure environment, when you speak with honesty and kindness, you're gonna safeguard your child's well-being. You're gonna sow seeds for the future. The world is sometimes very difficult, very unforgiving, unstable, sometimes harmful. But within the walls of a safe home, you foster a space where growth is still achievable, where restoration in relationship is possible, and where one's sense of self can flourish. So remember that even if no one else on the planet knows that you're doing what you can, you're trying to do your very best to raise these children and provide a safe environment for them. Remember the one who does know, the one who sees all. Galatians 6 9 tells us, let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest. You might not see that harvest right now, but that doesn't mean that you're not growing strong, stable bonds for that child or children that are in your life. Thank you for listening today. If this episode resonated with you in some manner, please share it with someone who might need to hear it. And remember, even when you're walking a hard path, when you're in a hard place, when your child's in a hard place, you as the parent or the mentor or the grandparent or the teacher, who whatever your role is, you can help lighten that child's backpack. You can help plant a seed that will produce something good in the future. Until next time, may you find healing and wellness at the still waters.