From Silence to Safety: Helping Children Report Sexual Abuse

On today's episode of The Still Waters Podcast, Teri addresses why childhood sexual abuse is often not reported and why children may stay silent for months, years, or decades, citing estimates that about one in four girls and one in 20 boys in the U.S. experience abuse before the age of 18. The episode explains key barriers to disclosure and describes the mental and physical health costs of unreported abuse.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello and welcome back to the Stillwaters Podcast. Today's broadcast is taking place on Thursday, June 25th, 2026. I want to take a moment before we begin today to acknowledge that what we're going to discuss is a challenging topic. It is not easy and it's not comfortable to talk about. And that discomfort or instinct to look away, to hope it doesn't apply to us, to assume our children are safe is actually part of the problem that we need to address. So we're going to talk today about the reporting of sexual abuse and specifically about the about why children are silent long after they have experienced this type of harm. So I want to be clear about why this is important for every single adult that's listening, because regardless of whether you believe your child has experienced this type of abuse or not, sexual abuse is far more common than most people realize. Research estimates that approximately one in four girls and one in twenty boys in the United States will experience sexual abuse at some point during childhood before they turn 18. These are not small numbers. These are children in our schools, our neighborhoods, our churches, and yes, sometimes our own families. And many of them will not tell anyone about this for months, or maybe years, or sometimes even decades, if they'd ever tell at all. And you know what? These numbers I don't even think are really accurate. Because these numbers are based off of those individuals who did report. So there's a lot of people out there that haven't reported. So I think the numbers would actually be much higher. So today we're going to talk about why. We're going to look at the reasons that keep children silent, what research tells us about the mental health consequences that result of that silence, what the Bible teaches us about shame and truth telling, and what we as adults can do to make it safer for the children in our lives to have courage to come forward and to speak the truth when this happens. So, this is an important conversation. Let's start with the reality of how rarely sexual abuse is reported. Once again, research indicates that the majority of childhood sexual abuse is never reported to authorities. And that even when it is disclosed, the disclosure most often happens to a friend or a family member, maybe, rather than to someone like law enforcement or some type of professional. A national incident study on child abuse and neglect, one of the largest of its kind, found that a significant proportion of abuse cases known to community professionals never ever reach official reporting channels. Another thing that research specifically on childhood rape found that among adult survivors, looking back, the majority of those survivors had not told anyone at the time that the abuse occurred. So I want you to let those numbers and those facts sit with you for a moment. The child that's sitting in your living room or in your classroom, in your youth group, if they are being harmed, the overwhelming statistical likelihood is that they are not going to tell you. Not because they don't need help, not because they don't want it to stop, but because something is standing between the pain that they've experienced and their own voice. And understanding what that something is and basically dismantling it is the work of every adult who cares about children. Often I refer to the Ascend Universal Standards for Optimal Sexual Development. If you've listened to the podcast in the past, you've heard me mention them. But these standards specifically address this: identifying the importance of reporting actual or even suspected sexual abuse to a parent, a trusted adult, or a local authority as a core competency that children at every grade level should develop. But teaching children to report requires first the understanding why the reporting feels impossible. So why don't children tell? I mean, they tell on everything else, right? What when this kind of thing happens, why don't they tell? Well, there simply is no single reason children stay silent. But there is a wall or a barrier that is put up by children, and that wall is built brick by brick from various things like shame, fear, confusion, loyalty, and the whole idea of self-protection. So I want to look at each of these bricks that are building this wall or this barrier between a child who's a survivor of sexual abuse and the adults in their life that they trust. So the first brick that builds this wall is shame. Shame's one of the most universal and devastating barriers to disclosure. Children who have been sexually abused often carry a deep, deep belief that what happened was somehow their fault. They feel that they were they are dirty, they are damaged, or that they were complicit in the act. This shame is not accidental. There's a thing called grooming, and that's the deliberate process by which abusers try to build trust and normalize behavior and then establish secrecy with the child. Grooming is one way that shame is planted into a child's mind before the child even has a chance to disclose what has happened to them. And grooming often follows a pattern. The person, the perpetrator, we'll call them that, or the abuser, targets a child. Then they try to build trust with them. They maybe meet a need that that child has in their life. They isolate the person, the child, the victim. They normalize the sexual behavior, and then they maintain control over the child. So children need age-appropriate guidance so that they can recognize these tactics as they are growing and maturing. And when I say children, I mean all children. Children in public school, private school, kids that are homeschooled. Shame is it's basically it's cultivated by the perpetrator, and it's done so deliberately. And it serves the perpetrator or the abuser's purpose of keeping that child quiet and silent. The second brick that builds this wall is fear. Children who have been abused are often threatened, either directly or maybe indirectly. They may be told that speaking up will lead to terrible consequences. The abuser may hurt them or someone they love. That's a threat they could use. No one will believe them anyway. They believe that maybe they'll be taken away from the people that love them. Whether it's spoken outright or it's merely implied, those those types of threats can deeply persuade a child's developing mind. Trauma research shows that the brain's threat response can overwhelm the parts of the brain responsible for reasoning and language. So a child that is under threat by a perpetrator is not simply choosing not to tell. In many cases, their brain's in a state where disclosure, it's really neurologically very difficult for them. The third brick is loyalty. This is one that many adults find difficult to understand. But we know that the majority of child sexual abuse is perpetrated not by strangers, but by people that are known and trusted by the child and their family. It could be an uncle, a family friend, a grandfather, a coach, a preacher, someone the child loves, maybe somebody they depend on, uh and someone they don't want to get into trouble. So when a child discloses abuse by someone they love, they're not just reporting a crime. They are potentially destroying a relationship or destroying a family or taking on the weight of the consequences that they cannot fully predict or even control. And that is an enormous burden to place on a child's shoulders, and it keeps them silent. The fourth brick is the belief that no one will believe them. Children's fear that they will not be believed is often grounded in reality. Studies of disclosure responses show that children who speak up may encounter disbelief by people or minimization. Or they may blame the child. And these types of reactions, they they just deepen the original trauma that that occurred with the child and then push them back into more silence. So it's real important to know that an adult's first response to disclosure can shape what happens next for that child. It may help open a path toward healing, or you could do the opposite and cause that child to withdraw further and further into silence and pain. Okay, so now let's talk about the cost of this silence, because there's consequences because of the silence. When abuse goes unreported and therefore untreated, the mental health consequences are severe and long-lasting. So there's this thing called adverse childhood experiences. And within the adverse childhood experiences research that's been done, sexual abuse is included. Um, and we call these aces. So these aces have a cumulative uh response relationship with negative mental and physical health outcomes. So, to put it simply, the more aces a child experiences, remember ACEs is adverse childhood experiences, the more they experience, and the longer that they go without some support, the greater the risk that they will have in the future. So childhood sexual abuse survivor links abuse to higher rates of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, suicidal ideation, and self-harm with the worst outcomes among those who did not disclose or receive support. I mean, and you think about it, that's just logical, right? If a child has this terrible, terribly traumatic experience and they don't disclose, if these aces are accurate, then like they're going to have a greater chance of um some of these uh mental health consequences because of the fact that they never received any support. So we have to think of silence like a wound that's never cleaned and bandaged. So if it's left untreated, even a wound that might have healed a little bit can become infected. That infection spreads. So what might have been a recoverable injury becomes a chronic condition. So silence is not neutral. And every day that a child carries the secret alone is the day that that wound gets deeper and deeper and deeper. So this is why there's so much emphasis that's placed not only on prevention, but on the importance of trusted adults and professional resources to help those who've been abused so that they can heal physically, mentally, and emotionally. And healing is possible, but it requires that silence to be broken first. So I guess to put it just quite frankly, if this happens in your family, and let's say, for example, a child is very, very young, and you think, well, they're they'll be okay. They won't remember this when they're older. That's not accurate. Even a young child who experiences this can hold this in silence in their minds and their bodies for years and years and years, and then these negative mental health consequences can occur later. So I want to turn to some scripture now because I think the Bible has something pretty profound to say to survivors of abuse and and to the adults that love and care for these children that have been in these situations. So if you think about it, this whole experience of shame is as old as humanity itself. Remember back in Genesis 3, after the fall, Adam and Eve hid, right? They covered themselves. They could not face being seen because of the shame that they were experiencing. So shame's first instinct is always to hide, to conceal, and to be silent. But the scripture consistently moves hidden darkness into light, not to shame the victim, but to expose what has been concealed. So if we open up to Ephesians 5.13, it says, but everything exposed by the light becomes visible. Bringing what is hidden into the light, it's not shameful. It's part of being restored. It's part of that healing process. Consider the woman in Luke 13 who had been bent over and unable to stand up for many years. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward rather than waiting for her to come to him. He he initiated the encounter and restored not only her body, but also her dignity and her identity by calling her a daughter of Abraham. He named her worth and addressed her wound. So this is the model for how we as adults should respond to a child's disclosure. Before we talk about what happens next, before we ask questions to the child, before we begin any process, it's imperative that we restore their dignity. We tell them that they are not at fault, because let's think about that. No child can control an adult who is a sexual abuser. We tell that child that we believe them. We tell them that they are loved, and we name their worth before we address this wound that has happened to them. In Psalm 34, 18, I know we repeat this one a lot, but this is a beautiful verse in Psalm 34. It says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Abuse crushes the spirit. Shame crushes the spirit. But the promise that we can read in this psalm is that the crushed spirit is not abandoned by God, but rather pursued by a God who is close, not distant, when we are in the place of greatest pain. For every adult who has ever wondered how to respond when a child tells them something terrible, the model is right here. Draw close, don't pull back, call them forward into light. Okay, so next I want to talk about how adults can make this disclosure safer. It's important to know what we must do before a child is left to carry something like this alone. And hopefully you will never experience this. But in reality, knowing the numbers, chances are this will be something that in some way you will have to interact with in your life. So here's some practical steps that every caring adult needs to begin being familiar with. Okay, number one, teach children body safety language before, not after, but before they need it. Children who have been taught body safety rules, including the accurate names of body parts, the concept of private areas, and the right to say no to unwanted touch, are significantly more likely to disclose abuse if it occurs. So don't wait for a crisis. Have this conversation now, ahead of time. Now, all of this can be done in an age-appropriate manner, obviously, but it's important to start early and to then to have continuous conversations over the years. Number two, create a culture of belief in your home. Build your home culture where children know that they will be believed. Tell them if anyone touches you in a way that feels wrong, you can always tell me. If someone asks you to keep a secret that makes you uncomfortable, you can always come and tell me. I will believe you, and you will never be in trouble for telling me. When these words are spoken regularly and sincerely ahead of time, they help, you know, dismantle this fear of disbelief before it even takes root. Number three, respond calmly and supportively when a child discloses. So when this happens, if it happens, a child's willingness to continue disclosing often depends on the adult's first response. An adult's initial reaction can either help. Help the child keep speaking or cause the child to retreat back into silence. If a child tells you something, do your very best to avoid reacting with shock or disbelief or using questions, you know, that makes them feel like they're being interrogated. Instead, respond with to them in a calm manner, believe them, and affirm them. Tell them that you're very thankful that that that they told you. And reinforce this idea that this is not their fault. I'm glad you told me, I'm going to help you. After responding calmly, then it's time to seek professional guidance. Immediately. Not a month later, not a week later, but immediately. Number four, it's important to understand mandatory reporting obligations. So if you are a teacher, a counselor, a coach, a youth worker, um, or any any adult that's serving children in some type of professional role, this responsibility is incredibly important. In most states, uh you in the role that you're serving in are likely a mandatory reporter. Now, this does vary by state. But legally, you are required to report suspected abuse to the proper authorities. Now, did you hear that word suspected? You do not have to know for certain that it is happening. If it is only suspected, you still have the responsibility to report it to the proper authorities. You do not let fear keep you from acting. Make sure you know what your state's laws are, understand the whole process, and remember that making a report to the proper authorities, it's not a betrayal of the child. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It is a courageous act to protect the child and other children. Because if the child that you're working with or the child that's in your home is dealing with this with someone, then there may be other children that that perpetrator has caused harm to. Okay, and finally, number five, um, it's important to get some professional help for the child. Disclosure is just the first step in this process, not the end. Children who disclose abuse need professional support from those that are trained in trauma-informed care, not from your friend who's the mentor to the child that doesn't really know anything about trauma. Okay, there's a lot of people out there that are well-intentioned, but they don't understand how to deal with this. So, professional support from trained people in trauma-informed care, from advocates, and from community resources. Trusted adults and professional resources are essential for helping abuse survivors heal physically, mentally, and emotionally. Remember what I said earlier when I said, you know, if your child's really, really young and you think, well, they won't even remember this when they're older. That is not accurate. They will remember it. They might block it out for a while, but it can come back and then cause all sorts of problems. Now remember this. You do not have to have all the answers. And I want to repeat it again. Your job, your job is to believe what they told you, to protect them and to connect them to people who can help them in the healing process. So here's what I want to close with today. Every child who has been abused and has not told anyone is carrying an incredible weight that no child should ever have to carry by themselves. The silence is not their choice in any meaningful sense. It is the product of shame, fear, loyalty, and the very real belief that no one will help them. Our job as responsible adults is to dismantle that barrier or that wall that we were talking about that a child builds. That wall can be broken brick by brick before the crisis arrives. To teach body safety, to create cultures of believed disclosure, to respond with calm and compassion when a child finally finds their voice, to know that our reporting obligations are, and to connect survivors to the support that they need to heal. Children do not forget this experience. I can I can I emphasize that enough in this podcast? Children do not forget this experience. They carry it into adulthood. I want you to think about that woman who was bent over for 18 years in the biblical example I gave earlier. Eighteen years of carrying something that was not her fault. And then someone called her forward, someone drew close to her, someone restored her dignity before dressing her wound. That's the responsibility of every adult in a child's life. So you be the one who calls them forward, be the one who draws close to them, be the one who makes it safe for them to speak. The light is always stronger than the darkness. We've got to remember that. But someone has to open the door and let that light come in. Thanks for listening today. If this episode resonated with you in any way, um, or if you feel that someone else could benefit from hearing it, please, please share it with them. Share it with another adult who works with um children or cares for children in some way. Until next time, may you find healing and wellness at the Still Waters.