Unmasking Self-Care: The Truth Behind the Instagram Hype

Unmasking Self-Care: The Truth Behind the Instagram Hype 

On this episode of The Still Waters Podcast, Teri and  Still Waters team members Abrielle Davis  and Melissa Knight  unpack self-care beyond the social-media version, focusing on a biblical view of stewarding mind, body, and spirit. They explain how depletion often shows up as anxiety, depression, relationship problems, and spiritual exhaustion, and describe “self-abandonment” through people-pleasing and lack of boundaries. They discuss healthy self-care as daily renewal modeled by God’s rest and Jesus withdrawing to pray, while warning that spa days and wellness trends can become comfort-focused or escapist if used to avoid hard conversations and needed change. The episode addresses guilt Christian women feel about self-care, the role of societal and works-based pressures, and clarifies that forgiveness is essential but does not remove consequences or eliminate the need for boundaries. 

0:00 Introduction

01:23 Depletion Warning Signs

03:07 Self Abandonment Patterns

04:42 Biblical Self Care Reframe

08:21 Wellness Industry Reality Check

10:22 Boundaries Without Guilt

11:33 Why Christian Women Feel Guilty

17:27 Resting Versus Escaping

19:43 Spiritual Busyness Trap

23:15 Forgiveness And Boundaries

26:52 Part One Wrap Up

Contact The Still Waters Team 

www.stillwaterslife.com

Email us at:

• Julie@stillwaterslife.com
• Rufus@stillwaterslife.com
• Teri@stillwaterslife.com
• Abrielle@stillwaterslife.com
• Melissa@stillwaterslife.com
• Chris@stillwaterslife.com

Let us help you find healing and wellness at The Still Waters.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Welcome back to the Stillwaters podcast. I am so glad that you tuned in today. You know, if you search self-care on social media right now, you're going to find a whole lot of candles and face masks and bubble baths. And honestly, none of that is wrong. But I've been thinking lately, is that really what we mean when we talk about taking care of ourselves? Because a lot of people have the most elaborate self-care routines and they are still exhausted. They're still burned out. They're still running on empty. So today we're going to have an honest conversation about what self-care actually means. Not the Instagram version, but the real version, the biblical version. I have two incredible women with me today from the Stillwaters team to discuss this. Abraille Davis is one of our counselors at the Stillwaters, and Melissa Knight is one of our life coaches. And they work with people all the time who are trying to figure out how to care for themselves well, without guilt, without selfishness, and without burning their lives down in the process. So, ladies, welcome to the Stillwaters podcast. I'm so glad you are here, Abrael and Melissa.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Thank you for having us.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

Thank you for being here. Okay. So as we get started, Abrael, I want to ask you when a client comes to you, how often do you see someone who's completely depleted and they didn't even realize it?

SPEAKER_00 1:59

I see it more often than you would think. What's interesting is how it presents itself. A lot of my clients come in and they are saying that they're um feeling anxious, it can present as depression. They're having relationship problems many times. And when we get to the root of things, what we find out is that they are exhausted, but they don't often realize it because the exhaustion becomes their norm. And they are operating in a way to where their norm is just running off of fumes. And they haven't realized that at the end of the day, I haven't taken time to take care of myself. So oftentimes by the time they've come to see me, it's because all of the symptoms that that have been presenting are a cause of concern. And they don't realize I'm just sometimes I'm just tired mentally, spiritually, physically. And I think the spiritual one is what I see most often.

SPEAKER_02 3:11

Yeah, and you and it's so easy to get in that norm and you just don't know anything different. And it's important to have somebody else point it out to you so that you can see it. Julie had to do that with me a couple of times. So, Melissa, you have come to the Stillwaters for as a coach, which is a little bit different from a counselor's perspective. So, what does it look like when one of your clients maybe is ignoring their own needs or has been ignoring their own needs for a long time? So, what are the signs that you see in them? Is it any different than what Abraille was talking about?

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Yeah, it's it's definitely similar. I think that it leans more towards instead of self-care, it's self-abandonment. There's a lot of denial of self to the point that it's not healthy. It might look like people pleasing, it might look like no boundaries in relationships. I think especially for women, we um are sometimes stretched into a lot of different roles. Those roles in and of themselves can all be God-given, God designed, but um, you know, it can be, well, I don't even know, you know, how I'm gonna take a shower today or something just that simple of just your normal daily routine is is blurred. And so it it can morph into not what I feel like Christ calls us to, which is you know, taking up our cross and in a sense denying ourselves. But we're not talking about that. We're talking about literally just from a functional standpoint, it can get to the to that point where uh it's no longer a healthy situation when self-care is either overindulged or completely denied, depending on what the person's facing.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

Right. Yeah, that's exactly exactly right. So when you personally hear that phrase of self-care, what's your honest first reaction? Because I'll tell you what mine is. When I hear someone say that, my first thought is do they even know what self-care is? That honestly is what I think. But go ahead, Abraelle.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

No, I I think you're absolutely right. I feel that it is something that's often misunderstood, but often uh utilized in day-to-day language, especially in the places like that. Um, we have to understand is that we are God's creatures, but we do have limitations, and a lot of times we don't know what our limits are. Um, we do need to be good stewards of what God has given us. God has given us a mind, a body, a spirit, and we are to steward those things in the best way we can. Um, Jesus took time to step away, pray, rest, talk to the Father. And if Jesus is doing those things, we need to be doing those things. We need to find time to reset ourselves spiritually, emotionally, physically. And also when we are being a good steward of ourselves, we are in a position where we can serve others. And a lot of times we put serving others in front of self-care because it comes off as selfish.

SPEAKER_02 6:34

Right. Yeah, that's exactly right. Melissa, would you like to add anything to that?

SPEAKER_01 6:40

Sure. When I hear self-care, I mean I think of it a couple of different ways, you know. Um, I definitely agree it's overused and sometimes misapplied. I think it can be definitely selfish, like Abraelle mentioned, you know, that's kind of the root of the word selfish is self. Um, but I think there's a big difference in in recognizing how self-care is in the Bible. You know, we're we're commanded to guard our hearts, and we're given biblical examples over and over, whether it's Elijah or even, you know, God the Father, on the seventh day, he rested. I mean, you know, he was he was ready for a change of pace, right? Not to make him sound human. He's not, he's deity, but um, you know, he he recognized the need for a change. And so, you know, self-care, I think it can have a really negative connotation when it shouldn't. But if it's rooted and grounded in a need for a spiritual reset coupled with physical um supports, then it's it's a great thing that we should not shy away from and be quite frankly happy that that we're in a position where we can take care of ourselves in that way.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

Yeah. I'm glad you brought that up because about you know, God even rested in the beginning. Um, and I think Gabriel mentioned earlier that Jesus, you know, withdrew from crowds and everything when he needed to. And it having grown up in the environment that I grew up in, I don't think I ever heard that, ever. And I actually was talking about this with my husband recently, who also grew up in the same setting. And he he said, Oh, well, I've never thought about it that way. And I I feel like that's the reaction that I get a lot of times when I'm working with clients, is that when I point out the examples that we have in scripture about this, then they're like, Oh, I never, it never crossed my mind that that's what that was. Yeah, because we're not used to putting our modern language on these different scenarios that we see in scripture. So let's talk about the wellness industry for a little bit, because it's worth billions of dollars, and there's everything from spa days, retreats, journaling apps. Um is any of that actually self-care? Because I mean, I'll just be honest with you, I like some of that stuff. But that can go wrong, that can go in a wrong direction, as we've kind of already touched on a little bit. Um, but what are your thoughts about that?

SPEAKER_00 9:12

I I like the idea of taking spa days, getting your hair nails. And those are all those are all good, I think, especially when you look at individuals who um have neglected themselves physically. Um, those things can come in handy. It's something to uh help you present yourself in a better way as it relates to how people see you in the physical. And that's that's really good. And I do know that's how the spas and uh all those um entities are are making money. Uh, but uh we do need to understand that it it does go beyond that. Uh it's not only about the physical, uh, self-care is taking care of your mom bid in spirit every day. Um and it's not all about the comfort of the right now. And I think oftentimes we get caught up in the comfort of the right now when if we take time to take a step back, fill our cups, monitor our minds, like uh Melissa said earlier, uh, guarding our hearts, that prepares us for decisions and other uh even battles that we would have to face moving forward. So looking at it in a standpoint where it's not just right now, but also how do I rejuvenate myself to keep moving forward as well?

SPEAKER_02 10:43

Right. And I was just thinking while you were talking that sometimes guarding your heart is not just it can be with people too. It's not just something you do with your mind, but it can also be with individuals that you and that's an act of self-care because you know, let's say you have had a conflict with someone who has not repented of their what they've done wrong to you, or maybe they have repented of what they've done wrong to you, but they've broken a trust bond with you. You as an active self-care can still set a boundary with that person while that trust is being rebuilt. And that's you know, that's not selfish.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

It's cautious. Right, right. Uh and I do want to add to that something that I've often recognized now that you say it, is that people feel guilty, especially in uh the Christian faith, they feel guilty for setting a boundary that is meant to be healthy.

SPEAKER_02 11:52

Right. Yeah. And so why do you think that is? That that was kind of leading into my next my next question I was gonna ask you all. But I I I see this with women more than men. Maybe it's because I am a woman and you know, talk to more women than men, but um Christian women, they just they have this immense guilt for for taking care of themselves. I'll I'll just tell you a personal personal story here. When I was raising kids, I know both of you are still raising kids, aren't you? So I thought, okay, so I'm done with that. But when I was raising kids, uh my husband traveled a lot, you know, so I would I would just get to the point where I'm like, oh, I'm so done. I need him to come home, you know, I just need some time by myself. And I remember joking with him saying, I'm going to go to a hotel and stay all by myself when you get back. And he always said, You should do it. And I was like, I never did it. But I did go to the grocery store by myself when he was home, which was great. Um, but I always made a point to, you know, I used to say my one vice was I would go get my hair done whenever it needed it. Um, I may not have may not have done anything else, you know, that was about me, but I would go get my hair done just because it made me feel good, right? So I I had been at a point where I felt guilty about that too, but I got past it pretty quickly. But why do you think that especially Christian women uh feel guilty for taking care of themselves?

SPEAKER_01 13:30

I think there's a lot of different answers to that. I think a lot of it can be constructed around if if a woman is in a marriage, which, you know, I think single women might feel that a little bit less. Um, but if there is that, you know, if there's a relationship there where it's maybe more male-dominated than it needs to be, or maybe if the husband doesn't help out as much as he should, you know, there can be that constraint on time. I think though, at the at the heart of it though, it's how we speak to ourselves when we are taking those quote unquote self-care moments. It's not, I need to get my hair done, I need to go get my nails done. It's I'm worth it. You know, I I'm not making, I'm not making this decision, and it's not a strain on the family financially. My kids are taken care of, I know where they are. I I'm worth it, you know. I work hard, I this is something that, you know, that I can do. And it's not like it's a, I'm not saying it's bad to think of it as like a treat or whatever, but you know, I'm I'm special, I'm worthy. I'm, you know, I I have the right to do this. And um, I'm not the best at talking to myself that way. I'm not saying I've mastered it, but as I've gotten older, I've I've tried to look at it more that way, that I'm not just filling a void, you know, that I that I've taken time with the word, I've you know, I've prayed, and it's not like I'm checking a box, but I'm not also using hair or nails to fill a void that only God can fill.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

Right. Oh, that's good. That's a really good way to phrase that.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Really good, yes.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

I also uh feel that the guilt comes, can come from like societal norms as well. And oftentimes, women and Christian women where we're kind of in this box where honestly, no matter what we do, there's some scrutiny there. If we're a stay-at-home mom, there's some scrutiny there. If we go back to work, there's some scrutiny there, and it kind of falls also into people pleasing. Sometimes we see serving others as a neglect of self, and that's not really what that is. In order to serve others, it doesn't mean we have to neglect ourselves in order to do that, and also remembering the why, your why can be okay, I need to take care of myself because I do want to be in a better headspace to take care of my family. How can I pour from an empty cup? I can't, and I should have to if I do have the means to be able to do to take care of myself. And honestly, let me speak on that. Even if we feel like we don't have the means financially, we do have the means to step back and take that moment. Take uh saying a person, speaking to God, that's free, going for a walk. We can do those things to take care of ourselves, and just shifting our mindset to understand and realize it's not really about how everybody else sees and perceives things because they're always going to have something to say. It's about what you need in that moment to care for yourself in your mind, physically and spiritually. And um, the reverse can be now from there, I can care for my children, for my husband, for the ministry in the ways that I that that's best fit.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

That's something I try to emphasize, especially when I work with kids a lot, because you know, they're they can't, they don't necessarily have the funds to go off and go to a spa day, right? You know, uh and do stuff like that. But the whole idea of taking a step back, like Gabriel said, and keeping your focus on God, taking a walk, you know, listening to some music, maybe not the kind of music they're used to use, listening to, but some soft music that calms you rather than get you all uh wound up. Um, but self-care doesn't have to be expensive. And those uh those other things that that the world describes as self-care that are costly, there's nothing wrong with those, but it doesn't have to be just that. So when we talk about self-care, how do we help someone tell the difference between this idea of resting versus escaping? And we kind of touched on that a little bit earlier because we were talking about people pleasing. Um, but how do we how do we help someone recognize the difference between those two things?

SPEAKER_00 18:18

I do think it it kind of goes back to the why. Um a healthy level of self-care will leave you feeling more renewed in a better way. It puts you in a mindset where you can better face life's challenges, and the goal is to go back and face it. Escape, that's just avoidance, and it's a way to not deal with those things. I think that's what the key difference is. One is renewal to step back and then better face with a um a healthy mindset. How can I go at whatever the life issue is or what's standing in front of me with the healthy mindset, with the godly mindset, with the spiritual mindset, rather than avoiding it. I think that's the right.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

Yeah, escaping delays the inevitable, it puts off what is coming, right? And it it doesn't prepare you for, you know, that spiritual warfare or physical warfare, whatever it is we're facing. I think for a lot of us it's more spiritual warfare, right? It's delaying the inevitable of maybe having that tough conversation or starting to set healthy boundaries, what that looks like for everybody is going to be a little different. Um, but it's it's putting off the uncomfortable. And sometimes that's you know, that that needs self-care needs to play into that because we want to be like Abraelle said, the best version of ourselves when we come to the table for that. Um, but it self-care can't replace the inevitable that needs to happen for if you if you're looking at a change or you're looking at a crossroads in life, going to the salon's not going to help you holistically get ready for that. Right. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

Have you ever met someone who even put a spin on this even differently, to where they were escaping, but they were doing it in kind of a spiritual way, to where they were um, you know, always involved in every single thing, always teaching Bible class, always the first one to jump up to serve when there's a funeral, always the first one to host a baby shower, always the first one to do have somebody over for dinner who's new in town, you know, just constant, constant, constant, constant good deeds, all good things, but almost to the point of um I mean it's just an out of control thing, and all because they were trying to escape something else. Seen that?

SPEAKER_00 21:04

Oh, I've definitely seen it. And I think often we have to remember that good just because it's a good thing doesn't always mean it's a god thing. Right. Even though it may be framed in a God thing. Right, right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

I I was raised by a woman that was just like what you described, and I'm sure that she uh I have the hope anyway that she's somewhere receiving her reward for that. Um, but because she was the preacher's wife, she felt like she, and it was a joyful thing for her. I never heard her complain one time. Um, but she was what you described, Terry. Every party, she was the ringmaster, you know, she was right there at the center of it. Um, and like I say, she she seemingly enjoyed it, but I didn't really ever see her. I don't ever remember seeing my mom have a self-care day. I mean, she would go and do things, you know, but it was a lot of works for everybody else. And the one thing that I would say, I I mean, I I it's not a sharp criticism, but one thing I would say about that is you're not allowing maybe others that want to serve in that way to step up and do that.

unknown 22:17

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

And so where she could have stepped away or maybe should have. You know, there were a lot of others that didn't participate in the way that they maybe wanted to or would like to have because I mean she was loved and you know people respected her, I think, by and large. But some of that can be role-based, some of that can be when you're of a faith that is more works-based. I know that's something that we kind of cringe at when we hear, because we don't like to slot churches or faiths into those. But I mean, I'm I'm gonna go out there and say it, you know, uh, a lot of what we would probably be used to would be more works-based. And so I think that just from that culture, that can put when you've got a community of believers that are more works-based minded, um, that can put a lot of pressure, especially on women, you know, because we don't maybe publicly get up and serve in a worship service, um, it it can be a lot of emphasis placed on on those other things behind the scenes. And so again, if it's not from a heart of of you know, the the right, the right way, it can be, it can become um like a drudgery, really. So again, self-care would have to enter into that. But yeah, I I've known somebody like that, and um, it can take a toll, especially when it's year after year after year.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

Yeah, yeah. That's really good. Um, what Melissa said. And oftentimes I see it from a different perspective of biblically, though, uh, when they use the Bible, for example, I have clients who do accept a lot of mistreatment and bad behavior, and they say, Well, God wants us to forgive, He wants us to forgive, and that is true. We are to forgive, but in order to not have those uncomfortable conversations, and in order not to set healthy boundaries, we'll hide behind forgiveness and still accept bad behavior and mistreatment and not say, hey, it really hurts me when you do this. Hey, it's not okay for you to do that. And God hasn't called us to just be someone's punching bad. We do need to say, hey, this is what I will and will not accept. I do forgive you. Forgiveness doesn't mean you keep jumping into the fire, though. And so that is something that I see often is that biblically we we use forgiveness as a form of also going to accept mistreatment.

SPEAKER_02 24:54

That's really a good point. Yeah, it is. And I often tell people that forgiveness doesn't negate consequences, so you can forgive someone and you're commanded to give some, forgive people for wronging you, but there are still consequences. And like you mentioned, you can't just continue being a punching bag for someone.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

Don't you think that forgiveness when you're the one on the giving end of forgiveness and not the receiving end of forgiveness? It's really self-care. When I was younger, I remember hearing my dad say, you know, forgive that person, you know, let it go. Don't let it, you know, cause a root of bitterness in you. You're forgiving, you're forgiving that other person for you, not for them. And I didn't understand that. I didn't, it was like, no, I want to stay mad, I want to stay angry. But the older I've gotten, the more I realize he not only was he right, and is that a biblical principle, but it really factors into what we're saying. For forgiveness is self-care. It's allowing yourself not to, you know, not to have the anger and the jealousy and the bitterness. It's it's focusing on what's good and what's right. But just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that the relationship is instantly restored. I've had that happen where, you know, someone has come to me and asked for forgiveness. I've forgiven them, and then they wonder why things don't just pick right back up like they were. Well, I'm setting a boundary. I mean, I don't say it just like that, but you know, the the this at the end of the day, it's it's still that the relationship is not what it was and it may never be. And that's okay. Yeah, that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 26:31

Well, I was I was just thinking, I deal with a lot of uh people who have been sexually abused. And you you can forgive someone of sexually abusing you, but you're still not gonna have you're not gonna continue having a relationship with that person, or if you do have to have a relationship with that person to some dis degree, it's not going to be the same because you're trying to heal from what's happened. And that forgiveness piece is it brings some closure to it, regardless of what the other person does. Obviously, in different situations it would be be different, but it still applies. Okay, well, this is a really good discussion. So that's part one, and what a rich conversation it was. Abraille, Melissa, and I really only got started when it comes to self care. There was so much more we wanted to say. But the good news, you don't have to wait long. Come back next week for part two, where we'll pick up right where we left off. Until then, take good care of yourself because you deserve it. See you soon.