Unmasking Self-Care: The Truth Behind the Instagram Hype Part 2

In this Still Waters Podcast continuation, Teri,  Abrielle and Melissa challenge cultural and faith-based misunderstandings about self-care, reframing “deny yourself” as rejecting selfish desires—not neglecting real physical and emotional needs. Using “love your neighbor as yourself,” they discuss extending the same grace to themselves that they offer others, and highlight 1 Kings 19 as a model of God’s compassionate care for burned-out Elijah.  They describe practical self-care habits, coaching strategies, and push back on self-care labels.

00:00 Welcome Back 
00:35 Faith and Self Denial
01:34 Love Your Neighbor
04:01 A Lesson in Rest
07:24 Elijah and Burnout
10:50 Not Alone in Struggle
12:08 Oxygen Mask Reframe
13:16 Personal Self Care Habits
19:31 Coaching First Steps
23:05 When Self Care Misleads
26:22 Final Encouragement  

Contact The Still Waters Team 

www.stillwaterslife.com

Email us at:

• Julie@stillwaterslife.com
• Rufus@stillwaterslife.com
• Teri@stillwaterslife.com
• Abrielle@stillwaterslife.com
• Melissa@stillwaterslife.com
• Chris@stillwaterslife.com

Let us help you find healing and wellness at The Still Waters.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Hey everyone. Welcome back to the Stillwaters podcast. In our last episode, Griel, Melissa, and I opened up a really important conversation about self-care. And if you haven't heard part one yet, hit pause and go listen to that episode first because this one builds right where we left off. For those of you returning, thank you for sticking with us. Today we're picking up where we left off and digging even deeper into what it really looks like to care for yourself well. Let's jump back into our discussion. So, culture, I think, has gotten some things right, but it's gotten a lot of things wrong. Um, but I think it's interesting for those of us who are people of faith that what to know what God actually does say about this. I grew up hearing that you must deny yourself all the time. Um and I think that's a pretty distorted picture of what this all means. So so let's look to scripture for a moment and let's think about when Jesus said, love your neighbor as yourself. I mean, there's multiple verses in scripture where we can go where it says that. So what do you two think Jesus was implying about how we're supposed to treat ourselves?

SPEAKER_02 1:55

Oh, um well, two two things really come to mind. One thing, um love your neighbor as yourself. We we ignore the part or only it's actually takes a bit of critical thinking to realize that if you're gonna love someone as yourself, you do have to love yourself first. There has to be some love for yourself, yeah, and then you love uh the other. But also recognizing and understanding that denying yourself doesn't mean ignoring your needs or neglecting yourself. It really just means letting go of like selfish desires and following God's ways. Um, caring for yourself is part of being a good steward, like I mentioned earlier, of what God has given you.

SPEAKER_00 2:39

Very much so. I was thinking very similar to what Abraelle just said, um, the qualifier there is as yourself. You know, the the way that we speak to other even our clients. I mean, let's just take us three as ladies, the way that we offer grace and empathy to a client that comes to us, do we speak to ourselves in that same way? Probably not. I I'm just gonna personally say probably not. I'm way harder on myself than I am on anybody else. Uh I've gotten better. Um, but yeah, and and I think at the end of the day, when Jesus wants us to deny ourselves, it's those selfish, sinful things that that we need to work on. You know, Philippians 4, 8 just speaks to me over and over, you know, if it's good and if it's noble and if it's right. Um and and looking for those, that's that can be self-care, you know, whether it's turning off the news or turning uh away from a you know an overly negative relationship that just drains us and brings us down. Right. Um, and and choosing to look for the good in things, you know, that's that's a that's a habit that we have to train ourselves in and ask for the Holy Spirit to help us through the word with that. Um, and he will, he will do that, he will not fail us in that.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Yeah. Well, I'm with you. I I'm my own worst critic, and um, I do need to give myself some grace every once in a while, too. Um, it's so much easier to guide other people in that than it is yourself sometimes. So it's nice to have co-workers that remind you of that every once in a while. Um, I don't know if I've ever told you all the story about when I first came on the Stillwaters team. Have you all heard that story? I haven't. Okay. So yeah. I had been working at another nonprofit, and I it had been it had been a rough few years at that nonprofit lot leadership change. There were a lot of problems, and so I finally got to the point where I'm like, I can't be here anymore. And um it would back in those days, it was just Julie and Rufus and myself, and um we had a like a team meeting together uh in Tennessee, all three of us, and I was ready to get going. Like I was ready to start. I hadn't actually quit my other job yet. I had like a month, it was like May, and I was gonna I was gonna work until June. And so I was ready to get going with my clients and you know, everything with the stillwaters and I was gonna do. And Julie just looked at me and said, Nope. And I looked at her like, what? She said, No, you need to go home and you need to rest. And I'm like, what do you mean I need to rest? She said, You need to go home and rest as long as you need to before you start this job. And I would looked at her like she was crazy. But the funny thing was that once I got home after this weekend, or after, I'm sorry, once I quit my job, it was like a I it was like maybe a week or two before my job was done. But I went home after I quit my job. And my husband just happened to be leaving that week to go on a trip, and he was gonna be gone all week. And like I said, all my kids are grown and gone. And so I went downstairs in my house, and I decided I was gonna do something I never hardly ever do. I was gonna turn on the TV, I was gonna watch a movie. So I laid down on my couch, turned on a movie, and within like five minutes, I was asleep after being asleep all night. And I slept for several hours, woke up, and the credits on the movie were I'm like, oh, I missed the whole movie. So I got up, had some lunch, and decided I'll go on there, I'll catch the next movie. So I did it again. I laid down on the couch, started the next movie, I fell asleep again. And I ended up sleeping pretty much the whole day on my sofa. And I thought, oh, I'm never gonna be able to sleep tonight if I keep sleeping like this. So I got up and in the evening I forced myself to stay awake. I still stayed in my pajamas and I watched TV, which I'm not a big TV watcher, so that was a big deal for me to do that anyway. I did not go to I did not fall asleep in the evening and I watched something, and then I went to bed and did not have any problem sleeping that night at all. Got up the next day, did the same thing. It wasn't quite as bad the second day, but the third day, I was Wednesday, I had to get out of the house. I had to go to Bible study, and then I think I was doing some physical therapy at the time, so I had to go to that, and I was like, wow, I just didn't realize how exhausted I was. And so she did. She saw that I was needing that rest. And so I ended up doing that for almost two weeks before I said, Okay, I think I'm all right now. So, yeah, so sometimes you need help. Sometimes you need someone to point that out to you. So, anyway, this kind of um leads into uh the next thing that I wanted to discuss, which was 1 Kings 19, where we read about Elijah. This is one of my favorite stories that I read about in the Bible. And I get very frustrated when we're studying this in Bible class or in any setting where this is being studied, and people don't recognize what's really going on with Elijah. So, you know, in that passage, he he's clearly burned out. He's been doing all of these things for God. He's been um, you know, there's been a famine, and he's experienced the famine as well, not just the people he's working with. Um, and he's gone up there to Mount Carmel and, you know, had to kill people because God told him to, and he not just one person, but lots of people. And he's running for his life in many places. And so he just gets to that point where he's like, well, in our modern day vernacular, we would say he was suicidal. Um, but God knows what's happening and God responds to him. Uh so he doesn't come to him and criticize him, but he comes to him and he cares for him and he allows him to rest, he allows him to sleep, he feeds him. So I know that I've been in classes before where people are saying, oh, he didn't rely on God. He was, you know, very critical of Elijah. And I'm thinking, no, no, no, no, that's not what's happening at all. Um, in that passage, God is caring for him. He's allowing, he's forcing him to rest. Just like Julie forced me to rest. He's forcing Elijah to rest because he knows he needs it. So what does that tell us about God and his how he views us as far as our physical needs and our emotional needs or limits, I guess, because he was at a point where he was over the limit. What do y'all think?

SPEAKER_02 10:01

Um honestly, I I think it says a lot. It shows us that God does care about the whole person.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

Um, when Elijah was exhausted and overwhelmed, like you said, God didn't shame him. Right. Instead, he met him with compassion, breast care. And I think it just to remind us that our physical and emotional limits do matter to God. Um, and that sometimes healing begins with simply allowing ourselves to rest, just like you uh explained. And to just take it a step further, God didn't in the moment scrutinize them and say, Why are you running? I just showed you the kind of God that I am, and here you are. He didn't do those things. Right. He allowed them to rest, he fed them, he took care of his needs in that moment. Then he got up and went on.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Right, right. Because he once he was rejuvenated, you know, after that rest, he was able to work better. If he hadn't taken that rest, who knows what would have happened.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Right. At the end of 1 Kings 19, you know, God cares for him, just like you ladies have said, so so well. But then he also reminds Elijah that there were 7,000 Israelites that had not bowed to Baal. So on a microscopic level, he took care of Elijah just like he'll take care of us. But then he also very gently reminds him, don't forget you're you're not the only one, right? Like, not in a gotcha type way. I don't mean to present it that way. Yeah, but I think sometimes we need to realize that that if we're struggling with depression or anxiety or you know, filling a void with self-care, that we're we're not the only ones. We're not the first, we're not the last. There's others out there that are, you know, going through the same or similar. Um, so I love that God did that. He he reminded him that he had a community. He didn't realize it at the time, right? And I think when you read that story, you can see why. I mean, if Jezebel's after you, you feel pretty elated. Yeah. Oh, definitely. Um, but there were 7,000 just in his immediate area that he could see with his naked eye, that God knows our hearts, God knows where we are, and God meets us where we are. If we're if we're open to that, he'll meet us every time.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Right.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

I love that. I love that passage. I'm glad we talked about that. I often use the illustration, I may have told you that this before, about um, like when you're on an airplane, when it comes to this whole self-care thing, that when you're on an airplane, they will tell you when they're going over the safety rules at the beginning of the flight, they will tell you if there's an emergency and the oxygen mask drop from the ceiling. What are you supposed to do? You're supposed to put the mask on yourself first before the child that you're sitting next to. Because if you don't, then you can't help the child at all. And um so this whole idea of denying ourselves is we've really got to flip that, reframe that with people, I think. So that eliminates that guilt that we talked about and just helps us to realize the importance of taking care of self, resting and all of that. So okay, so we're getting kind of long here. So let's go ahead and come somewhat to a close and tell me personally from from both of you, what does self-care look like for you all? Personally, what do you do for your self-care?

SPEAKER_02 13:55

And in all honesty, that's that's an area where I'm growing. So, as I've mentioned in a previous podcast, I love walking. I love to walk, reconnect with God. I like to sit in silence. I've now gotten to a space where I'm really working on that relationship piece where if I can go out and have lunch with coworkers, I can take the time to get my lunch, go to my car, and have lunch with God. Talk to him.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:27

But the area where I am growing and I'm still working on this is seek first the kingdom of heaven. I feel like that can be a form of self-care because if I seek him first, he will take care of everything else. And just learning to trust in him enough to rest in that seek him first, that can be my self-care. He will take care of everything else. So I have areas where I'm walking and doing all the things that I can to reconnect with God and ease my own mind, but also my growth area, seek him first and allow him to take care of everything else. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

I love that. How about you, Melissa? I get my steps in six days out of seven. I do take a rest day, which is, I guess, fitting, right? Um, but I I actively try to think about okay, in my day, in my week, what could cause me anxiety? And then I eliminate that. I attack it as much as I can. I'm not anxiety free. Um, but one of the things that stresses me out is what are we gonna eat, right? What are we gonna eat for lunch? What are we gonna eat for supper? Yeah. So I have a plan that I work every week. And if I know in the morning I'm putting a crock pot meal in like I did today, then that's I'm not gonna be anxious because at lunch I already know what we're doing for supper, right? Um so things that might cause me anxiety, I am active about attacking, not just to lessen the anxiety, but because fundamentally I'm trying to view it more as part of that kingdom seeking, like Abraelle so eloquently spoke on, was my biggest mission field where I am right now in my life, is a wife and a mother. And so it's not just showing up for worship, although I'm not downplaying that, super vital, but I spend 164 other hours in the week in my home with my family.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:28

And so if I can show up for them as the best version of me, then that's kingdom seeking too. That's gonna have an impact.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

And so moral of the story is seek out ways that you can that you can anticipate your anxiety and and deal with it decisively.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Yeah, that's wonderful. Yeah, that's really great. Well, I guess I'll have to share what I do since I've put you two on the spot. So I have not been getting my steps in the way I'm supposed to because I've had this foot issue for a while, but I have been getting my pedaling in. So I have a recumbent bike and I and I've been using that to um build up strength in my um knees and my feet because I had a I'll spare you the story, but I had a surgery on my Achilles tendon that I tore. And it took a very long time for it to get to a point where it's considered healed. Um, but it has also affected other parts of my stamina. So anyway, so that's what I've been doing. But um the other thing, I have a tendency to be a little bit of a workaholic. And so I am being very conscientious about that so that I will try not to do that. Um, especially when my husband's traveling. My husband travels a lot, he's actually leaving soon to go to Belgium for a week. And I really wish I could go with him, but I'm not. Um, so I'm really making a conscientious effort to be able to say, okay, I've got to turn off work, I've got to rest my mind from the work that I we're doing because the work we're doing is not easy work. Let's just face it. I mean, no matter where your clients are coming from, what their issues are, you're taking all of that on to yourself when you are working with them consistently. And so it can add up after a while. So just taking time to turn it off. And then every once in a while, you know, doing something even different. Like I just went to Tennessee for a few days, two weeks ago, just to be completely work-free. So that's the kind of things that I'm working on. And um, and also a really good sleep routine. I that's another thing that I do of care. It's huge. I haven't always had that. You know, when you're raising children, you don't always get to control that. Um, but now that kids are gone and grown, uh, you know, I can do better about having a very consistent sleep routine most of the time, unless, you know, something unusual comes up. So, and I will tell tell you that I feel it when I don't have that. Last week specifically was pretty busy for me with the holiday coming up and everything. We had a lot of family come in. I was, I had a deadline, I was trying to meet on something, and you know, I was pushing some late hours doing things, and you know, it caught up with me. So, um, so you know, even being able to recognize that 10 years ago when I had kids at home, I wouldn't even be able to recognize that. I would just push, push, push, push until I just because you just what you did, right? You just had to get through it all. So I love, I love the fact that I have a little bit more flexibility with that. And you all will get there too if you if you feel like you don't have that with kids. That'll come. So anyway, okay, so when you're coaching someone and you want them to start taking better care of themselves, do you do anything specific to um help them get started with that? What kind of first steps do you take? Do you got do you all have anything like that that you do?

SPEAKER_00 20:09

I start usually baby steps, and I'll say something along the lines of, I mean, you obviously have to meet your client where they are, um, but could you could you take a shower tomorrow? Could you drink a glass of water first thing in the morning? Or another really good question I like to ask is at any point in your life do you feel like that you were doing well with self-care? And if the answer is yes, then let's rewind the track and see where we were at that point and can we replicate any of that? If they say no, I've never been good at self-care or you know, I've never taken care of myself the way I've needed to, then again, those baby steps and those habit building things that we all could on some level do better with, yeah, uh are really helpful, I feel.

SPEAKER_02 20:56

When I work with clients, um, I think the number one thing is to identify what actually brings you peace. What what actually brings you? That's an important question to ask. And sometimes I find, well, I don't know. I've I've never thought about it. And so we really we find ourselves in a session really having to identify what calms us down, what brings us peace, what makes us happy? It's really taking it uh back to the beginning. And once we know what those things are, well, let's let's let's talk about the next three days. What are the next three? What do the next three days look like for you? And they tell me this schedule that's just hectic. Now, where can we put these things that we just identified as peace and happiness? Where can we just kind of slide some of these things in? And we just start there. First three days. Let's not even think too far long term. Let's start with the first three days that we have ahead of us.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Yeah, that's really good. That's I go a little uh a little different route with it. I have a list of things in different areas of the holistic model, and I kind of dig deep with them and say, you know, do you do this? And where do you feel like you fall on this range? Just to help them see it more clearly. So that they, you know, and what ends up happening a lot of times is they'll see that, oh, I neglect my physical areas, but I'm good with the mental side of it. You know, or maybe vice versa. Or socially I might not be all that great, but physically I'm doing fabulous. So you know, diff different things like that. Kind of an assessment of sorts, um, just to really help them see themselves because they have because they haven't been able to see themselves. And then get thinking about okay, how could you improve in this area and what's that one thing that you could start with? Because if you try to do it all at once, it's too much. That's overwhelming. So just like like uh I think it was Melissa said the baby step method. Get them started with one area of improvement and then gently just keep improving and and moving forward with that.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

So okay so what's something that you all push back on that gets labeled as self-care I don't necessarily have a specific but more of anything that just feel feels good in the moment isn't automatically self-care. Same and what I I find honestly I've had clients before who kind of go with what feels good right then and there and that also can build some unhealthy habits is what I found. And that becomes something that they true even myself I can say I depend on now this because it feels good in the moment and it helped last time and once again that because that becomes an escape rather than true self-care.

SPEAKER_01 24:22

Right.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

And how do I reset my mind to make better decisions and and move forward. So it's not automatically what feels good right then and there.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

Yeah. I think we're seeing that with this trend in estrangement with young people and their families that that gets um labeled as self-care um but is some some of that is avoidance um and and don't get me wrong I think sometimes there may be a need for that um but I think because of the fact that we're seeing a trend in it especially among people of faith um that we're using that as a as an excuse this is a self-care thing for for me and my family or if if you have a family or self-care for me because I disagree with them about something and that whole idea of honoring mother and father is being ignored um and I can have a rotten mother and father and unfortunately there's a lot of people that do but I can still honor them in some way even if honoring them is drawing a boundary to a certain extent but still having respect for them and care for them or you know that that they won't continue in how they're behaving. Does that make sense? It kind of sounded like I was contradicting myself but it's a fine line between balancing it. So did you have anything else Melissa?

SPEAKER_00 25:59

No I was just going to say what Abraelle said was exactly what I was thinking.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

It's just that hedonistic um approach to life you know I I'm very quick to say you know let's think about long term what that looks like you know um here again I'm we all we all have had moments we you know we we fall short um but like Abraille said it can just lead to complete disaster if that's compounded you know with every decision and so yeah that's not self-care that's called self-destruction yes um and you know our souls are um are are thirsty for for the good stuff not the not the plug-in holes with whatever might feel good in the moment yeah right yeah exactly well I so appreciate both of you being open and honest about this topic and I and I hope that the right people that need to hear this will hear it because um especially in our faith circles I just think this whole concept gets misunderstood um and I'm just I just appreciate your your time and your discussion about it today um because the people that are out there in our audience you know there may be somebody that's listening and they they're the ones that they're that's exhausted they're the one that is you know their cup isn't filled they're running on empty and they're telling themselves I'll rest when things slow down um so if that's what's happening that is not going to happen life never slows down so I hope that like I said the right person out there in our audience will will hear this and will benefit from it. Once again thank you Griel and Melissa it was wonderful having you here I love having guests and on the show and love um not having to have a one-sided conversation. So hopefully you all will be back soon. Our conversation was wonderful and if there's anyone out there that needs some more help with this type of thing that we've been discussing regarding self-care or anything the Stillwaters team is available and ready and willing to help anyone who needs to talk through something like this. So if this resonated with you or if you know of someone who might need to hear it, please share it with them, send it send this episode to them so that they can try to help learn better how to take care of themselves because every single person out there is worth taking care of and it's not selfish as we've said it's stewardship. So until next time may you find healing and wellness at the Stillwaters.