Healing after loss: A Fathers Journey Through Grief and Hope

A father reflects on his son, who lived doing everything in life the right way. It was a reflection of a family that lived by faith, mission, purpose, hard work and love. A role model young man from a role model family and tragedy strikes through a medical condition. 

Wale brings a unique perspective as a father and trained medical professional. Wale is a  psychiatrist and his wife Ann is a pediatrician. Wale describes his son passing while on the phone with them in the middle of the night over 700 miles away. It was later discovered that Kayode passed from an undiagnosable deep vein thrombosis (DVT) that caused death, through a pulmonary embolism (PE).

Kayode was several months from finishing his master degree. He was a disciplined young man in mind, body and soul. He was working toward goals in life that encompassed  a sense of purpose and impact larger than himself. 

Wale discusses how their family bonds have helped them support each other as they work through the grief of losing Kayode. Family, friends, co-workers and a faith in Christ have helped in the recovery process. Navigating their grief is a work in progress for Wale and the entire family. 

Transcript

Rick Williams:  I'm here with my good friend, Wale. Unfortunately, as everyone knows on this podcast, we're a member of a group that no one wants to be a part of, and that's the loss of a child. And Wale, if you just wanna say a few words, if you want to talk about your son, you're welcome to do that, or we can start in with some other questions.

So I'll leave that to you. 

Wale Osuntokun: I can, you know his name. I still use present tense I say is Kayode. His nickname to us was Kous, exactly two months to the date before his 25th birthday. And maybe just a sum of what he was. Great kid, gentle, smart, caring. Oftentimes, think of all the other superlatives you can use that are generally positive.

And that's the truth. He was just a, maybe a  weird child, my wife oftentimes would comment or lament that, gosh, this kid just doesn't give us any trouble. Not like we were looking for trouble, but I guess knowing my own background and history when I was his age, maybe a little bit of a troublemaker myself, but that was how she and I would lament about him and hopefully that gives a general sense of who he was. Yeah. Healthiest individual I know, looked after his health, cooked for himself, fittest guy on earth, worked out, no health, issues whatever. Great athlete, loved soccer, loved living out by himself in Manhattan in New York. He was doing a masters getting ready to graduate actually and we were working on some  opportunities for work after completing his masters. So really was a wonderful gift from God. 

Rick Williams: Knowing your family, we have nothing but the utmost respect. If you could say, here's a model family that you would want your family to look like that was your family. My wife and I have always respected you guys very much, and your kids, so what you're saying we saw that in real life, like just a phenomenal kid and phenomenal parents as well. And so yeah, it's I know it was heartbreaking when he had a medical issue that, I don't know if you want to talk any about that. 

Wale Osuntokun: Yeah. So like I said, and appreciate the comments I'm still working on my parenting skills 

Rick Williams: you're a farther ahead than most still,

Wale Osuntokun: Still learning, but yeah, Kous was Quite gosh, medical mystery, to be honest. Like I said, healthiest individual looked after his body and soul. If you looked at someone and said, gosh, this is a fit person, biggest muscles not too big, 5, 9, 5, 10 frame. Hardly any fat on him. All muscle, lean muscle and like I said, no medical issues whatsoever. Wasn't on any medications. And we'd spoken to him at 10:00 PM the night before things took a turn for the worst. He was fine. We were on FaceTime, he was cooking.

We had his dog back here in Indiana. Like I said, he was in Manhattan in New York, said hello to his dog. It was a few weeks before Thanksgiving, we ended the call. He and his mom were gonna catch up the following weekend. This was a Thursday night and I think the last thing I said to him before he hung up was, what were his plans to come home for Thanksgiving?

And he said, oh yeah, he's gonna drive like me, he loves driving. I said, Hey, it's gonna be bad weather. He is no, I should be all right. I said, okay, cool. Just update me when that time comes. This was 10 10:30 PM on Thursday, 27th of October. And at 4:00 AM he called us back, called his mom. Thankfully she picked up the phone and he was, really panting short of breath and just said he wasn't feeling well. Remarkably in all of this he was just so calm but obviously in distress. His mom quickly handed me the phone and said, chat with him which I started.

So I got out of bed, walked out of the room. At this point it was clear he was in some distress breathing really fast, but otherwise calm and just said I don't know what's going on. I said what happened? What were you doing? He said he watched TV till late and this just woke him up and he just couldn't catch his breath. So I in the back of my mind, not thinking this could ever be a serious medical issue. Just walk through some questions. What did you eat? Is it something you ate last night? Is it affecting you in a different way? He said, no, nothing else. I could see he was getting even more and more in distress. I, my medical sort of thought, kicked in. I said, did you, I was quite frank. I said, did you do anything you weren't supposed to do? He knew what I was saying and he said, no, absolutely not. So I repeated it about three or four times with some specific, names. Did you do this? Did you do that? Did you eat something? Edibles, he said, dad, no. And I'm quoing, dad, no, absolutely nothing. Didn't do anything unusual. Didn't smoke anything. Which he didn't. And like I said, this was a guy who just looked after himself, just remarkably. So that went on for maybe five minutes, I said, okay, are you stressed out? Maybe this is all just a panic attack type thing. He said, yeah, he is under a lot of pressure from work, but nothing out of the ordinary. Yeah, he was handling that well, school was going well. Some tests were coming up around the corner, he said he was doing good with that. I said, nothing else is keeping you awake at night. You're worried about something. He said no none of that. And I said at times this can creep up on you without being able to identify the source, panic attacks can do that.

So I said, okay let's try and get you to calm down and let's do a bit of relaxation. I said I would count to 10. Try and listen to the tone of my voice and try and time your breathing with that and just try and do a bit of relaxation. And at one point he started doing that, and then I stopped. I couldn't hear him anymore. Then  I said, Hey, are you still there? He said yeah, I'm here. Continue doing what you're doing. This is him telling me that it seems to be helping. I said, okay, cool. So I said, try and switch your light on in your room so I can at least see you. Because at this time we were on FaceTime already. The background was dark. I really couldn't see anything. And he said That was hard to do. I said, so that really got me a bit concerned. And all of this was so quick. We're talking, actually his call was at three 30. This was maybe about three 15, 10 minutes before. 

Rick Williams: just for perspective  you and Ann are both doctors, so when you're talking to him, you're talking like, some of the questions are normal medical, you guys are very skilled at that at diagnosing things. 

Wale Osuntokun: And I knew his medical background, right? So I knew there was no, no other issue that was going on. So I asked him at this point, again, I didn't it just wasn't an option or a thought in terms of what eventually we know happened for me to have asked him about things that could have triggered it, but.

Most of those are things related to  sedentary lifestyle which he was not. He was busy and active as you can imagine. He was not obese, he didn't have any other medical conditions that would increase the risk for the medical event that transpired. So you're right, I was asking all those questions and and even got into relaxation thinking. This could be an anxiet] attack, a panic attack fairly, not uncommonly do they present like this outta the blue. Can't think of any trigger. You just hyperventilating. Later on you can then address, possible sort of psychosocial or psychological stressor whatever those might be.

So at this point he was saying this was helpful. So I said, okay, let me at least see you. Let me see and see how you're doing. He eventually slipped the light on in the bathroom, so now I could see him. And I actually thought to myself, my goodness, he actually looks a lot calmer than I imagined as I was thinking about him and the rate of breathing. And I thought, wow, okay, there you are. You don't look so bad. Aha. Things. And I said, reach over and open the back window behind you, which he promptly did. Get some fresh air. Let some this was late in October, so it was cool already. And about literally five seconds after that, he turned around and faced me. And at this point you could see something grabbed him and I saw him take a really deep breath. I could see his nostrils flare. And at that point I thought, what on earth is this? So at this point, I ran that back downstairs to the bedroom. I told Ann my wife, call emergency services. Of course we're here in Carmel, Indiana trying to rustle up emergency services in Manhattan, New York late at night or early in the morning was a challenge of its own, but she eventually got through to someone. But at this point when he you could see something grabbed him, moments later, he still had the phone to his face.

I was watching him all the time. He very  gently, he didn't fall, he didn't slump and to me that's how strong he was. And later on, if I get the chance to, given what he had, it's quite miraculous that he even was able to talk rationally and at least try and breathe for the time he was on the phone with me. But quite clearly, again, knowing what I know happened, this was the end stage. So he calmly knelt down. He didn't drop the phone either. I could see that he very carefully put the phone on the ground. And so now the phone's facing up. But as he did that, he, again, very gently laid down. He was his left on his left side. And at this point he stopped conversing obviously freaked out, called his name about four or five  times. And then he responded. He said to each, I called him four, five times stopped. And then he answered me with about four yeses because I kept saying, Kayode get back on the phone, talk to me Kode.  And he caught up and said yes. And by the fourth and fifth it was. It was gargled and the last yes. Was very gargled. And that was the last time he spoke. And at this time, I could see the ceiling in the room. I thought I heard a few movements or jerks thinking he was gonna come back on the phone, but that was it. That was it. 

Eventually, the EMT folks came in. I could I could hear them coming up the stairs first. I could hear the sirens come. They clutter up the stairs. He lived on the fifth floor by himself. They were saying the door locked because I could hear them. Obviously they can't hear me right, but my wife's on the phone with them and I'm saying, telling Anne, tell them that I can hear them. That our son is down, they should go ahead and just get in the apartment. I think that took another 2, 2, 3 minutes of a triangulated communication which they eventually broke the door and, I could then hear them come into the room and say, man down.

And at this point, I don't know if they could hear me, but I was yelling on the phone saying, lemme talk to you, lemme tell you what happened over the last 15 minutes. I think they started CPR right away about let two, three minutes after that.  They must have heard me on his phone. And so someone picked the phone up and said, he must be his father. I said, yeah. They said, I shouldn't say much else, but they needed to work on him. Either they were gonna try and get him down to the first floor, which would've been impossible. And so they said, we're gonna need to bring equipment up, five, five flights to the stairs. Where he was and work on him.

So that's how I got off the phone. Then about (430) 420-5430, so this was, so all of this I'm narrating was all between, 4:30 to about 4:40 when sorry 3:30 to about 3:40 when he stopped responding. Coming into the room. This was all about till four, 4:00 AM by the time they got me on the phone and said, let's work on him. It was about 4:00 AM maybe a few minutes past four. We'll call you back. And when they call back, it must have been about 4 35, 4 40 perhaps. And said they couldn't revive him, couldn't bring him back. 

Rick Williams: I know it was pretty shocking. Oh yeah. It was pretty shocking for us, to hear it because you know all the good things that he was doing and we, again, great health, kid that took care of himself, just very disciplined and having discipline, it was very shocking. And, we obviously came to the funeral from, a long relationship with each other and. I noticed you really comforting a lot of other people that were there, and you have a big family that you know, which is a great support system. But as a father, you feel like you, you have other kids and people like that, that you're really trying to care for.

And just so I'd like maybe just describe. I'll share,  if you, we wanna take this out, we can, I know you and I had an embrace that you just broke down with me and I could feel for you because I had the same thing that happened and a lot of times as fathers, We're always there to comfort people and be strong for them. And you don't always get a way that you can release some of that emotion. It's one of the reasons I'm doing these podcasts. It's to help people that go through this and understand, a few years down the road you look back and you can think of such good memories with your child.

And, but it's so challenging, at that moment and. For you, I know you're you're a psychiatrist, and so maybe describe, one way you're trained if you were counseling somebody or you were helping them, this is how you would work with them. But then you have the heart of a father that kinda in your own head you're having these discussions of, hey, look at it like this, but this is how you feel.  Maybe if you could just share some of those thoughts and like maybe where you are today? I'm trying to think. Was it three years ago?

Two and a half years now. 

Two and a half years. And like maybe today for me, I get these really strong feelings that just suddenly out of the blue it just hits you. But then there's a lot of other times now we just celebrate and we're five years. But you really can think about all the great things that they did, but it still hits you at times.

And so maybe just if you could share maybe some tips of wisdom of things that you've done as a family to honor him. I know with all your family, you talk about him and in very positive ways maybe, share some of those kind of things. 

Wale Osuntokun: Yeah. So  quite a lot in there but I wanna really close out quickly by saying what happened to him was he had a massive pulmonary embolism what's called a saddle embolism that sits right at the bifurcation of his pulmonary arteries that go from his lungs to the heart. And so when I said it was a medical mystery, someone like that, of good health, zero risk factors. We have no idea why he had such an event. This is, these are the findings, post-mortem DVT clots in his legs, no trauma. Again, just to summarize, there's absolutely zero risk factors, zero explanation.

But what happened was, for whatever reason, he developed these clots in his legs went into his lungs, and I had a good conversation with multiple medics, both the medical officer in New York who did a postmortem and additional tests hematologists here in Indiana. And it's just a mystery. But you're right in terms of the impact is the gravity of the impact is maybe equal in terms of what myself, my wife, his brother, and his sister felt. But there is a different dynamic that each of us experience given our different roles and relationship with Kayode. And yes, if not for the support, my siblings, four of  them, and my wife's siblings, three of them my mother her father provided for us, I wouldn't know where we would be today. 

It's interesting that you notice that I may have been in a position of care taking, at the funeral. I don't know why you say that because I think I was just a complete basket case and trying to bring things down to a rational level or intellectual level because that's the only way I could have gotten through all of that. And you're right, you do tend to intellectualize or in moments like this where you have to be emotionally present for other people. Perhaps at the expense of my own emotions, from his time of death to the funeral it was only two weeks. And I think the circumstances, obviously no one was preparing for something like this, but you have to do that within two weeks was just maddening because had all these feelings, had all these people trying to support his mom, his brother, his sister, who are just, just torn. And the anguish that I felt also, which I still do every day. Understand it's an it's a thought that's just un-parallel. It's, and at that time when it just was still fresh, all you did all day was just run these movies of his life, over and over. And just. I think painful, painfully anguishing is probably the best two terms I could use to describe what was being experienced.

Support from friends, childhood friends, just again on rival and other members of our community. Folks like you, Duffins,  Dan and Susie, those, at least those that you know. But otherwise just fantastic childhood friends. Friends I've known since I was in nursery, and most of them still best friends. And the most friends I get in touch with today, were all around. People flew in from different parts of the United States, The United Kingdom, my siblings also came in from Nigeria, so that was all there and it allowed, I think what it did the most was provide a soothing distraction from the pain.

 But the work that I think myself and Ann and the children have done has all still been within ourselves. And I think we've all just simply been able to open ourselves up, be vulnerable with each other be willing to talk about it or just simply say how I'm feeling with the foundation of the support from community, many work colleagues and like I said, siblings and the extended family. And I think I was telling one of my friends maybe a few months after this had happened that it feels like I really haven't slept. Because with the support. Yes. They did so many things. We didn't have to worry about it , They brought us food. They called us. They came to the house. We sat around, we laughed either about things completely different or about our son memories and just reminisced. But it's time that, that would have to come to an end. And then you'll have to have those feelings that were not necessarily discussed. I think people know you have them, but they don't necessarily ask you. And so you have to go back and wrestle with those thoughts, before you go to sleep. And for me, it seemed like I wanted to stay awake for as long as I could so that I wouldn't have to wrestle with the feelings of loss and sadness and pain that I felt even till now I'm working hard as I possibly can to find a way to shut my mind down.

But it is work in progress. I wouldn't say I've conquered that. But I think the benefit of, my faith, prayer, the Word, many questions to Christ, but a lot of revelations, if I might add, have all been. Helping me reach that place of peace. I'm not there yet. I don't know what that place looks like, to be honest.

Maybe I can get some insights from you if you are there yet.

Rick Williams: Not there yet. And knowing what we went through with having multiple years with Richy having a cancer. We had multiple years to prepare for it. Where I know, in a blink of an eye, your life changed dramatically.

And for me, I think back, all those people that supported us all that time, you mentioned Dan and Susie, the Duffin's, you guys, like we just had a close knit  group that you felt like and one of the things I noticed is I've appreciated it more the farther I've looked at it from distance. You appreciated it at the time, when you look back on it, the people that were there supporting, your family and all the people, it was just immeasurable. The things that they took off of you, even though you still had to go through that incredible pain and loss and, we're five years out and had multiple years to prepare for it and it still hurts.

To your point every single day. Absolutely. you miss him. We've tried to change the dynamic, at least the way I think about it, to all the really great memories. , I was in Cairo, Egypt a few weeks ago, and Richy loved history. We would've been months and months talking about all the culture, the religion, political, engineering the pyramids, the dynamics, the history. So when I was there, I was thinking, I had him in my ear like, what would he think about this? How would he ask a question like that? And I tried to do it as a positive memory because you can't have that discussion when you get home. 

Wale Osuntokun: And I think that's when I heard you talk about  you are at peace or, yeah, I think those are the sorts of things I'm I think we're working on and I think we're  growing towards that in, in many perspectives. Like you said, there are things we do, we've done as a family. It certainly has. Now, we were very close already, but this is from my unit, my family unit, and his brother and his sister. Even closer together, the things we do on a daily basis. We've got to talk. We communicate one way or the other multiple times a day. Oftentimes before I fall asleep I fire up a  message, Love you guys. Thinking of you, travel road trips together, constantly reminiscing what their brother would've done or would've said, or the way he would've said it. Or, you're eating, this is what he would've liked. So all those things are becoming a bit easier for even his brother and sister to talk about. And his mom as well. She's just been quite remarkable and many times we don't even say anything. We can sit there for, an hour, just, hold each other's hands. I know She's hurting or vice versa, might say, gosh, I really miss my boy, and maybe that's all I'll say in an hour. Otherwise, we just sit there, hold hands and those moments are helping with that outreach or progress towards peace, wherever that is. It's gonna be a constant it's what my life is about now, Is about now it's, it's changed forever.

Rick Williams: It sounds like you make it very intentional for your family. Like again I know you guys are probably  guiding that to a certain degree because it's very easy to go inside and not talk about it. Especially if you have a family unit that's close, it does help to have those kind of conversations. So it sounds like you guys are really making very intentional choices to have space to be able to talk about it. 

Wale Osuntokun: And I think it's, along those lines, people have asked me, have I gone to therapy - for more therapy, and I've said, my wife did. Shortly afterwards the children did as well. His brother and sister did. I didn't do any formal therapy. Not because I feel like  I could provide it for myself, but. I said, look the same process or the same sort of  pathways or steps you take in, what I would think about grief therapy, I'm getting that and I'm doing that through other means, through other people, through other support systems, paths, it obviously it's not the same and it's not that, It's just different. I can't say one's better than the other. And so those opportunities have allowed us to either share feelings, grieve, express how sad we are and that's been quite helpful. And it's still a work in progress. Yeah. There's some friends I have been able to actually share feelings and how much pain I'm in, or, and it's less about words, it's just my actions. I'm sitting with them and they notice I am crying or we gather together and they see me crying. I haven't said anything, but they know they can see it. 

And so what I'm trying to get at is, for someone else thinking, how are we getting through this? It's a combination of different avenues and you've gotta use all what you've got. It has been either through talking about feelings or sharing my feelings in one way or the other, directly to somebody, or journaling. I've got two books that I've written maybe 200 pages each. I haven't finished all of them, but I've just written and written stuff, feelings, thoughts, memories, how I would I describe him, things I would say to him and that has helped. I've read some books. One in particular I found quite helpful. I. And I don't remember unfortunately who gave it to me. It may have been you. It's called When A Child Dies by Claire Agar or something like that. 

Rick Williams: It wasn't me, but, so I'm not gonna take credit for, but I'm glad somebody gave you one that really helped. 

Wale Osuntokun: Yeah, that was very helpful. And so things like that. And like you said, you don't get rid of that feeling, that pain, that void, but all those things I mentioned are things that are helping us get through each day.

Obviously, work is another very helpful distraction for a certain point, and there are times at work when I get overcome by feelings. And, people don't notice, but I'll cry at my table, I'll cry at my desk. There, are all the things that, that also help to get through time. Anyway which you can distract yourself like exercise. We do a lot of traveling, still hanging out with friends, many of whom know we're hurting. But I think, just they've acknowledged what we're going through, they know what we're going through, but our interactions now are like let's just distract ourselves, have fun, appreciate what we've got with each other.

I think the other thing that has helped me that I would, think others may want to think about or contemplate. Is going back into the Word and looking for the evidence of sort, of comfort. It's not answering the question because that question does come up often, right? Why? Why? Looking at things from what the scriptures have said, and I'm not a good at quoting, someone who quotes verses, but there are things whereby Christ told us that, give thanks in all things. We're gonna face adversities of all different types and it's hard to give thanks in the face of something like this. But you think about other people who've gone through it. I think about you guys. I've got a first cousin who lost a son about the same time as you guys did about five years ago. And I look up to such people and think, gosh how are they getting through? We may not have spoken, but that keeps me going, that if you are getting through it and you are living you holding body and soul, carrying on with work, then you know I can do it as well. So role models that portray sort of strength in the face of adversity are quite crucial for me to see, to think about and get encouragement from it.

And there are multiple  places in the Bible that, that sort of hope even in the face of such a trial like this talked about and that, that definitely. Has helped to get through each day. 

Rick Williams: We, did the same. Belief that we know we're gonna see him one day again and  that is comforting. It's certainly still a big loss. Everyday you realize the loss that you have, but we are thankful that we do have  an unwavering faith that we know where he is at and that, at some point we'll be together again. And that is a big comfort.

Wale Osuntokun: That there is life. I also, think the scriptures make more sense and have more meanings and I think things that one did pay attention to or was emphasized or empath as I listen to it then compared to now is quite different and gives us hope and gives us faith. Like you said, we believe in the resurrection. Christ himself said it even to the thief on the cross with him, said today after we die, you'll be in paradise with me.  The promise of life after is the evidence is quite clear. Yes., the pain on this end still is there.

Even Christ recognizes it. Before he raised Lazarus from the dead, he wept with his mother. I think, so you know that is okay to do. It's okay to weep and miss that we have lost them, but although we've lost them there is hope. And I commented to a few people and actually wrote a short memorial on LinkedIn, I think after the first year and said, after he, he passed on that morning it felt like our lives came to an end as well. But you think here we are two and a half years later, for me that's a miracle. That's a miracle of Christ and his works in our lives. People who don't have such beliefs may say but I don't believe in Christ. I do and I know that without him , without the assurances, without what he is given us, without the realizations that he's given us in terms of, how much of a gift our son was and the pain is because of how much love we had. But that love is also a reminder of the joy that we should have. Yes, he is no longer with us here.

Until we meet next.  that gift I still love that gift. Short life -  I wish it was longer but that's such a gift that we've got, we've got to recognize and realize that now. Which is why we wanna give thanks in all things, we become too self-centered and selfish and think, things are hunky dory all the time, or these sorts of things don't happen to us. What about others who've experienced this all across the globe, but for me, that, that assurance is comforting. I can only give thanks that we had that gift and so yeah, these are some of the things that We try to but  don't succeed all the time. Okay. To be honest, 'cause many nights I still yell and scream and ask why and cry. And last night was a tough night for me, knowing I'll be talking about this today, in my own room, and cried a bit before I went to bed. And there only  times I can get to, to share who my son was.

Hopefully, as you've said, share our experience and maybe others might take one or two things that we say that might be helpful in their own challenges and maybe the realization of new insights for me as for my wife and the kids in our journey, this is life now.

This is the journey we're on now. 

Rick Williams: I super appreciate you coming on and sharing. 'cause I know it's not easy to do this. You are sharing your heart and soul. This is  the reason I'm doing this, It is  a passion to help people. We've had a lot of people come to us that say, how did you get through this? Everybody's experience is different. But yet we have that same kinda hole in our heart, so we'll keep praying for you guys.