Dealing with a Narcissist | Real Stories of Control, Gaslighting & Healing

🎙️ ALL IN ONE: Real & Authentic

In this episode, we go deep into the chaos of dealing with narcissists—whether in family, friendships, or relationships. This isn’t theory. These are our lived experiences—the gaslighting, the manipulation, the control—and how we found ways to take our power back.

💔 In this conversation, we share:
- The emotional toll of loving or living with a narcissist
- How gaslighting made us doubt our own truth
- The obstacles we faced when trying to break free
- The raw testimonies of pain, survival, and resilience
- The steps we took to heal and rebuild our confidence

This is not a lesson plan—it’s a testimony. It’s our truth. If you’ve ever felt stuck, silenced, or broken by someone who thrived on control, this episode is proof that you can rise again.

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💬 Drop your story or thoughts in the comments—we’re building a community that heals together.
❤️‍🔥 Your journey back to self starts here.

INTRO Instrumental Produced by UNC Can Rap

Chapters

• 0:07 00:00:07 – Welcome to ALL IN ONE Podcast
• 5:22 What it feels like living with a narcissist
• 11:48 The silent damage of gaslighting
• 18:05 Control tactics that break trust
• 24:40 Personal stories of survival
• 32:16 How narcissists manipulate family and friends
• 39:52 The breaking point: deciding to walk away
• 47:21 Learning to trust yourself again
• 54:59 Tools and practices that helped us heal
• 1:11:11 Final reflections and testimony

Transcript

0:06

[Music] Welcome to Allin One, ladies and gentlemen. This is the podcast where we keep it real, we keep it authentic. We today, uh, we got the panel together. This is our very first podcast. We're going to go ahead and introduce ourselves and then we're going to go around the room and we're going to talk about the subject. We're going to get straight into it. So, today our host is going to be Leah. Uh, she's going to come in. and she's going to give us a little bit of background about herself and you know we'll go like I said we'll go around the room and we'll introduce ourselves and we'll get straight into the podcast right into the topic. Hi, I'm Leah and I'm from Georgia. I have two beautiful daughters. I've studied uh narcissism. I've lived it as well. We're going to dive into un masking narcissism as we finish introducing the panel. We're going to start with Lady Goddess. I am 31 and I work in medical field as a medical biller and um yes, moving along, we're going to um bring up Hi everybody. I'm from the Bay Area. I'm a mother of two, 50 years old, two daughters, 20 and 16, and I'm just ready to get it. Let's go. Okay, moving along. We're gonna bring in Kasean in Florida. I have a 15-year running career in the medical field and I'm open to discussing the topic today of narcissism and others other various topics uh that we will cover on this podcast and I'm excited to be here. Thank you. Okay, now we're gonna bring in Mr. Loki. How you doing? I'm I'm Loki. We're born in Mississippi, country, born and raised. How about them beers? Okay, now moving along to Mr. Pimp. Hello everyone. I just want to take the time to say thank you for this opportunity. For those of you who don't know, my name is Tenth. I'm from Ohio and I'm excited. I'm very excited for this opportunity. I'm I'm very happy that we we all made this happen. Okay. Since we done heard from the dynamic panel, we're going to uh dive into like real life story and try to give insight on our narcissism and what we have experienced. We all know that this is a ongoing topic that we're working on and um it comes with many of narcissistic traits um personality disorders uh and it's so many but we just going to try to um touch on a few and before I open it up to the panel I just want to want to talk about the red flags to look for. We also want to uh dive into if you've been in a relationship, you know, have you encountered narcissism in a workplace in your home, you know, because that's something that h happened with me. I I encountered it in my home also on jobs and friendships. So, as we get ready to dive in, I'm call God is up. She's gonna be the first on the panel to give a story, you know, a real life story about something that she have experienced. And so here she is. Let's go. Goddess. Hi. Um, and somebody else go first, pretty please. Gotcha. So, have I gone through a situation where I had to face a narcissist? I've been in a situation where the person had narcissistic traits, not necessarily full-blown narcissism, but um it was definitely in relationship. And I came across this uh meme that had uh it it says narcissism on it and it says five types of narcissists and their five traits basically. And as I went through it, I saw myself and I saw other individuals as well. And one of the things were one of the traits are they're arrogant with a sense of like self-importance. The other trait was defensive and fragile. They sensitive to criticism. And then the third trait was they belittle and exploit others uh personal gains. The fourth point was they inflated self view. They making themselves like uh seem more important than what they are. Basically putting themselves on a pedestal. And then the last trait is there are aggressively malicious. And I was thinking about some of the arguments that I was in in the past relationship and how some of these traits were displayed in that argument. I'm not going to go too deep into detail of what the argument was about, but they definitely like put themselves on a pedestal. Like there are the prides in the relationship and each of these steps they basically exploited that and the arrogant part of it even though they weren't at uh at the place that they should have been for the age that they were they definitely tried to do a lot of comparison from uh from the standpoints of the type of men that they were used to given my background of being a person that basically had one foot foot in the door, one foot out the door as far as career-wise and still dabbling with uh the streets, shall I say? you know, they said uh slow money is, you know, the best way, you know, but she was used to the fast money and I was trying to uh change that narrative for myself at that moment in time. And with that being said, you know, that brings on a lot of, you know, drama that uh was kind of unnecessary. But the way I got over it was uh basically removing myself from the picture because I don't think that narcissists change uh from outside influence necessarily in a situation. They they have to do some deep down soulsearching and it's a process because these are habits that are hard to unlearn especially when it become comes down to being defensive. But that's a light version of the actual story. But maybe in the future we can get a little bit deeper and you know expound on. Thank you. Yeah, I think we definitely need to pull back the layers and get down to the root of it. Because when you really sit down and you think about it, when you're talking about narcissists, they have a blatant disregard for your feelings. They have a blatant disregard for basically any type of structure that you can imagine having for yourself. Their goal is to to just sit there and display dominance over you. They have a control issue. They have serious control issues. They gaslight you and they try their best to manipulate you in any way, shape, form, or fashion that they possibly can. And you have to recognize when these things are happening because a lots of times when it's happening, it it's it's disguised in a way that it almost make you seem like you're crazy. You know what I'm saying? Like they will literally make you like, "No, I didn't say that." Knowing darn well they said exactly what it was and they did what they did. And then it's like,"No, I didn't do that. you you don't remember that correctly or something like that, you know, something along those lines. It's always something though. They come with the love bomb and they'll come with the they give you all these high praises or whatever the case keep you right there in that track that you know what I'm saying just just play the puppet master and pull the strings as needed. You know, it's ridiculous how victims are normally looked at as if they are the ones that is at that's at fault for the behaviors or what happened to them or how did you allow this to happen or whatever. And you have to understand that some of these people are real good at what they do. They've been doing this all their life. You know what I'm saying? So, it's like you don't really recognize it when it's happening to you. Especially if you think you in love with that person. You know what I'm saying? It's just the level of mind control, the level of manipulation, especially if you are a people pleaser. And that's the thing that it's a whole another subject for a whole another podcast. But if that's what you kind of identify with or don't realize that you identify with this type of behavior, you will continue to give and you will continue to be like, you know, I can do more, I can do better or I can do I can be this or I can be that before you decide to actually, you know, control what's going on and um just take advantage of what's happening. So yeah, you definitely got to look for the red flags. You have to understand what those red flags are. You know, there's there's a whole lot to the to this whole picture, but again, it's it's layers. You take it back little bits at a time so that you can understand and you can get a clearer picture of when you are being gaslit, however you want to say it. But, um, yeah, you definitely have to take heed to what's going on around you, you know. Yeah. I I have a question for U. Kase. Um, do you think that this is a learned behavior or is it something that started from, you know, like childhood as in uh trauma? I think it's a behavior that um is adapted because it's like it's like a wall, you know, stemming from some insecurities because, you know, one of the signs is making yourself seem greater than who you really are or making yourself seem superior. And I think a lot of people mix up their confidence with the arrogance and they use that to uh make themselves seem more like I said more important than what they really are because they're like in a sense in a way. But it's definitely a something that's uh learned over time like a survival tactic. But that's from my understanding though. You know, it's definitely a survival tactic and people, you know, adapt to it and they perfect the art and like uh Uncle Sam, you know, they definitely use it to their advantage so they can manipulate other people to get to where they're going or to make someone seem like they're on the path when they know that it's lack thereof in other areas of their life. And the biggest thing is to make someone feel inferior. It's a it's like it's a dominating thing. Okay. Goddess, do you have anything you want to say? Yeah. Um, I wanted to add on to that. I also think how you're raised because I'll go more into it because I was with a relationship with a narcissist and I think that his mom put him on a pedestal and he could he could do no wrong. And when I would tell her like um hey he did this to me this is why I left. She's like no that's my son. There's no way. So I feel like it's one of the other ways it's like you how you're raised and how your parents have raised you. You know, I think that can also add on to the behavior as well. Do anybody else want to hop in and say anything about concerning that? Uh if you don't mind, I would like to also speak. Um I believe that it is like they said it's an acquired taste but yet it's also uh learned in in also the same manner because when you're in school that's also a given trait. You know what I'm saying? Everybody want to be the number one or seen as a top dog. And so therefore, they subject themselves to some type of things to become and that kind of nurtures that behavior if you want to so-called faith. Okay. Well, I can um agree, but at the same time, I feel like it's can be handed down, you know, from like become a generational curse. And I say that because of um my life. I was lived at home with a a narcissistic parent. And I didn't know what it was at the time. I just know that I was going through something. And I kept seeing like patterns of when the abuse started. It was just a lot. But I won't, you know, just go so deep right now into that. But yeah, I I believe that it could be a learned behavior like Loki said. You know, you want to be cool or you want to just um look like somebody or whatever. So therefore, you start taking on a faith persona. And but I also know that it can be passed down from generations and it takes a lot of oh my god it take a lot of work, a lot of healing, a lot of being honest with yourself. You really have to be honest with yourself because you know in today's society you know people use that word loosely narcissist or whatever. Some people have the trait of a narcissist and some just full-blown uh narcissist or whatever. But a lot of time that word is throw thrown around loosely. Is that a type of uh uh a type of not we going to say learn behavior but yet a nurtured behavior. You saying can it be a nurtured behavior? Yes. Yes. Most definitely. like if you have a parent that um is a narcissist or um have the traits of a narcissist or whatever. But most of the time if the person have the traits they could kind of uh be aware of something is not right with them. But nine times out of 10 a narcissist they um they won't recognize none of that. Uh so what they do is they teach it to their children. They teach behaviors to their children. So it become a a learned behavior. Yeah, it become a learn a learn behavior. So there's anybody else want to chime in? I had my hand raised. Um so I just wanted to from California um from the Bay Area. I do want to just touch on the narcissistic behavior. I experienced that in our um intergenerational curse through my life as a child and I've experienced it from firsthand, you know. So, this is a real touchy subject for me, but I think would be a great subject to speak on today to let others kind of hear and and learn from my experience. And so, you know, obviously I come from a mom and dad. I have an older brother who is uh seven years older than me and I was actually birthed given to my grandmother um at birth and uh my grandma died when I turned 9 years old and my mom and dad and brother lived in a different home you know across town and I was raised there. I never understood why I was raised in this home, but you know, because I was raised with like all of my cousins and my aunties and my mom's sisters and so forth. And what I mean by intergenerational curse and narcissism is it's very deep. And for me as a child, I didn't understand until I became an adult and I had children of my own what it meant, what intergenerational curses were and what narcissism meant. And when you're in a a narcissistic relationship, whether it's familyship, whether it's your relationship with, you know, a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, where what I experienced growing up is family that is very narcissistic, very very cursed in a bad way. My I I I remember my mom

and dad always praying at 6:00 p.m. to 7: 17:54

00 p.m. every night. And I but I never understood how do you pray and you're still bitter and the the bitterness only was towards and directed towards me. So I grew up with after my grandma died my aunt mom which is who I call aunt mom which is my mom's one of her eldest sisters. I was raised with her all my life until about 17 years old. And that particular moment in time, I left because I was just done. I was tired of being exploited. I was tired of being gaslit. I was tired of not being able to see my parents. I remember as a child grow crying through the window when they would leave. And you know, but I never understood the hate from my mother, you know. And to this day, I'm 50 years old. I have daughters of my own, 20 and 16. You got to excuse me because this is a very touchy subject for me, but I want my story heard because I want people to learn that you can get better. So, I grew up, you know, I lived on my own and I found love elsewhere through different men, the wrong men at that. I ended up, you know, not having a relationship with my family that I wanted. I was a very family oriented person, but I was always gaslit from my mom. I was always, she had this narcissistic behavior towards me, like I was never enough. Like, and um more so recently, fast forward to my life now, I don't have the greatest relationship with my family, but I do have the greatest relationship with my father. and he's like the the string to my heart, to my family. And when my father got ill, there were many times that I was never given a phone call to let my dad know my dad was in the hospital. And I would find out from other people and I never understood. And I said, "God, why, you know, why me? Why am I the oddball? Why did I grow up like this?" You know, I'm great. I'm a great person. I love hard. I work hard. I raise my daughters extremely well. And I still never understood like why I was not enough for my mother. And I had to really turn to God and really try to get through. And to this day, as you can see, I'm very hurt. I haven't spoken to my mom in 2 years. And that's because my narcissistic brother moved my parents away to Fairfield, which is an hour and a half away from me, and I don't see them. She chooses not to talk to me because of the situation, last situation when my dad was hospitalized, which I found out from my ex-sister-in-law, my brother's ex-wife. And um my mom said I acted as if I was running the show when I got to the hospital. I said, "Well, you know, it's kind of weird. You know, my you know, my dad is my dad and you know, I should ask questions. I am his daughter, you know. And she like literally hung up in my face. And I said, "That's crazy." Um, being who I am, you know. Um, but I want people to know that if you put God as the head of your life, there is nothing that could never change. And I will say this, and I'mma land my plane right here because I'm kind of emotional, but my daughters are the number one thing in my life that I would never be able to be a narcissistic, corrupt, cursed mother to my daughters. I am extremely loving. They are like the most important thing in my life. And I mean, narcissism, you can get it off top. You can get it in familyship, relationships, everything. And this is a hard topic for me because I didn't know what to speak about today. But I prayed about it and I wanted you guys to hear where the hurt in my heart came from. And my parents are now 81 and 80 years old. And the one thing that I fear the most is that I'm not going to be able to say I'm sorry and I'm not going to be able to say I love you for the last time. So I promise you that this is real life and that whoever this reaches, I hope and pray for you as well. But I will land my plane. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Thank you. Do anybody else want to speak on this? Uh, you know, have y'all anybody else encountered from a parent or, you know, sibling or anyone? Uh, yeah. Uh, thank you. But mine was my ex-husband. Very charming. Very, you know, very charming at first. Uh we were in a relationship for 4 years. I saw the red flags but we were doing the long distance. So I moved, gave up everything, moved and of course uh one of the things is they isolate you from everything you know. Of course I didn't know anything. I didn't know anybody. And then another thing was that everything I would bring out or everything I did was always my fault. why he cheated on me was my fault. Why he did something was always my fault. And it was like, oh, I it was I mean I don't know. I mean, I could say so much. It was like, but every time I would try to leave, it was always like showered with material stuff like, "Oh, I got you a Michael Kors bag or um I got you shoes. I got you this. I got you that. And then it would start again. I mean, it was crazy because I was reading a book a while ago and it was saying it takes a typical person to leave a narcissistic relationship seven to eight times. Um, in general, I think it took me about that that many times or more. I try to leave him. I don't know how many times I have told my mom, my friends, "Oh, I'm finally leaving him. I'm finally leaving him. I'm finally leaving him." And they finally stopped like believing me. And when I finally left, they didn't believe me until they saw me. But what I can say is that when I left, my self-esteem was really low. Like I thought I was the problem. I thought everything I did, don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, but everything that I did or everything that happened was my fault cuz it was always blamed on me. The marriage didn't work out because it was me. Um, so do you feel so do you feel better that you left or do you feel like you should have did a little bit could you have done a little bit more to keep it afloat? No, I feel way better. Like I feel great that I left because I have a kid and I don't want my baby to grow up in that and think that's normal. um and raise him and have an example of that. I don't want to raise a man and have another person like him. And who knows, he could have been a great father. All I have to say is it's definitely taken me time to heal and love myself [Music] and know that yeah, like I'm not perfect. I had my problems, but it wasn't all me. Do you feel more enlightened? Enlightened that I left. Yes. Oh, yeah. If I didn't leave, I wouldn't have met you guys. Right. I would have been stuck. I would have been miserable. I would have been um I I don't know. I was crying every single day. Um, I was alone 90% of the time. I was miserable. I Yeah, I was isolated. Yeah. So, yes, I am very happy that I left. I have a question for the panel. If you have encountered this right here, this is for the ones that have u went through, you know, the abuse or, you know, had a partner or somebody that just really hurt you. Have you ever thought about, you know, like when you start hearing the word narcissist? Did you ever um check yourself and think that maybe I'm a narcissist? You know, did anybody encounter that? Goddess, you want to um Yeah, sh on that. Okay. Yeah. Right when I left, I thought that cuz I went to therapy for a while cuz I was like asking my therapist and I was like maybe I'm I'm the narcissist. Like I went with my past trauma like maybe I am one, you know. And I think I said that earlier when we were on TikTok and and she started laughing at me and she's like, "No." and she she knew my ex cuz I've told her about him a lot more in details and she's like no. She's like I have heard so many people say that after they get out of a relationship or any kind of situation that they've been in with the narcissist. They're like maybe I'm it because they get blamed and they're like you're the problem. It's always your fault. It's you. you know, they never take blame, account, accountability, nothing. So, she's like, "No." But for the longest time, I thought it was me. I was like, "Dang, like I messed up. Like, I ruined this relationship and I couldn't forgive myself for a while. I definitely didn't think it was ever me. It was just a sore subject that I was left behind all my life. I've I've always still been left behind even to present day. But what I've learned, like I said, how to do is to to really hold on to the hem of God's, you know, the cloth of God and and and Jesus and really dive into his word and really, you know, God said to me, you know, you are not alone. I'm everything. I am your mother, your father, your brother, everything. Now, if I did not turn to God, I would either be crazy or what have you. And I also too went to family therapy time and time again. I also too went to individualized therapy time and time again. graduated, went back, graduated, went back and I always thought it was me growing up and you know what did I do to my mom and you know why does my mom not love me and what did I do and you know and coming to the present day I come to realize that it's not me it's her and I can't change her and I can't change my brother. The only person that isn't narcissistic is my father. And I check in with my dad all the time. And he is the only person that is like the thread to my heart, you know, to my h to my family. And not seeing my family for many, many of years has like destroyed me inside completely. And I've leared to do our own traditions, our own family things here at home. and celebrate ourselves, you know. So, that's why I want people to learn that it may or may not be you go into therapy. There's nothing wrong with therapy. It is a very touchy subject. Um, it's something that I'm dealing with with currently with my brother who I haven't spoken to in 20some years. My mom has been two years and some change. They're very narcissistic, very I'm this, I'm that, I'm you're you're not matching me. You're not XYZ. But I was the one that graduated school. I was the one that went to into the medical field 26 years. I was the one that became an entrepreneur chef for seven years and, you know, owning my own company and things and so forth. And but I will say this that your being or having experienced narcissism is not forever. I promise you. I have to this present day I have two beautiful daughters. They're amazing in my life. I have a man I will not mention his name but I'll say Silver Fox who is an amazing man in my life. Amazing. I mean, utterly amazing. And that's what makes my life keep going and my AIO family. Like, I know that this was a godsend thing, you know, for us to be able to speak on life and to be able to speak and breathe and spit games like no other. and you know to reach out into the world that it is real and that you can get through it and it's okay. You know, if we build each other up, that's the only way to go. But I will say it's not forever. But I will say this, I miss my mom and dad, my brother, but I pray for them every day. And that is all I can do. Their narcissism is no longer going to affect me. That intergenerational curse has been broken. You understand? But I see family through my friends. That's who I my daughters call auntie, uncle, grandma, whatever, you know. And um and it's okay. You know, you you whoever your family is is who you make family. It doesn't have to be, you know, blood related, you know, and I just feel like, you know, this is a topic that like it runs through the entire world. There are a bunch of narcissistic people that are hurting very normal, heartfelt people like myself. And I never understood to this day. Like I even talk to aunties and uncles and they ask me, you know, well, what did you do to your mom? I'm like, nothing. I don't even know. I'm confused, you know, but it does end when you want it to end. And when you separate yourself from them, your life gets better. Anybody else? So, um I uh I was um piggybacking off of God. Uh I had uh the similar situation. It's something about that love, man. It's crazy. I can honestly say that I was a victim of my loyalty at that moment in time of my life when I was facing narcissism and the process that I went through or the mindset that I had. I was trying to uh instead of focusing on them and recognizing what was happening during the process, I found myself tearing myself apart. I was maybe I can do this better, maybe I can do that better. I was trying to find ways to improve myself. Maybe if I work two jobs and be able to afford and get this and do this and do that and give her these experiences, it will change her perspective or her mind or have her recognize my value as a man. And with that it was becoming more and more draining and a burden during that process. And it g it came to the point like I found myself drinking more. I was like like yeah eating more like I was just going through like like my only focus was on their happiness and making sure that they were okay and I totally was like forgetting about self. I didn't care about nothing and I was like totally blind during that process. And like Uncle Fang, when you're in it, you do not see none of this. You are blinded by the person and everything that they're throwing at you and it's like you you take one dart and you know, you try to pluck it out and try to fix it and there's another one right on the way. You know what I mean? or you'll get a little break uh where you know they may be um lovebombing you and you thinking that things are going to change and it doesn't. It's just setting it up for the next plot and it's like before you know it, you know, you're a year in, you're two years in, you know what I mean? It's like time is just passing and you're holding on to a hope that things will change and it never does because you're the only one trying to find a solution. They're content where they at and they're not trying to change a thing. And the only person that was suffering during that time mentally, like I would go to work, come home, I would literally sit outside the house in the car for like 30 minutes, like just trying to gather my thoughts. I would actually pick up hours at work not to come home on time. like I it's like it's it was so much like things that so many things that I was doing trying to uh keep the so-called peace during the process that I physically was like exhausted and he thrived on that. they thrived on that. And it's it's crazy that like now, you know, moving forward, I I can see it clearly because I'm out of the situation, but it's a whole different experience when you're in it and you're actually dealing with it. It's hard to sometimes it's hard to recognize. And yeah, that's it. Low key, do y'all have anything you want to add to this? I don't honestly. Um, you know, I do I do I have a question and this is for anybody. Um, how do you identify a narcissist? What is a narcissist? Have we have we broken down what a narcissist is? We're going into that. Thank you. Thank you um for asking. Oh my god, it's so much when it come to a narcissist is so broad, but um I'll tell you some ways that you can recognize a narcissist just from my experience, not even from what I've I've gotten. one I'm going to say with the ma a man with the male with the male narcissist you have to be careful and how you could well how I recognize is because of how many times a man tell me I'm beautiful that one man and what he's trying to do you know he's he's broken narcissists they are broken they are operating from a dark entity They don't have no light in them. They have a mask on walking through the earth acting as if you see their faces but you but they are not that person. And when they feel insecure about themselves, they think when they meet a woman and it's so it's so much I not saying so much because I could just go on and on for days about this situation and it'll lead to other places or whatever. But um when they meet you, they just they they're broken and they can I'm going to say this right here. They can sense the brokenness in inside of you even when you're healed because you won't all you won't ever always be healed until you leave here. You know, you could go through the healing and something else could come and it could trigger you. But we're not going to go down that rabbit hole. But yeah, they can sense something in you or you know, you could have the residue in you. I don't know. But they can sense that. And so the first thing they're going to do is shoot their shot. And the first thing they're gonna do is call say how beautiful you are. That's the number one u thing that I see when it come to a narcissistic male. Two, they going to repeatedly tell you what they can do for you, how they'll take care of you. I mean, and it'll just go on and on and on. A man that is not toxic, they are tell, you know, they're going to pretty much show you. They don't have to really just tell you. But if they decide to tell you, they g telling you over and over and over again. Okay, Loki, you could um No, I just wanted to ask you a question just so you saying that they are selling dreams. They selling dreams. It's called love bombing. They are love. They'll like uh and uh Kase said, you don't see it coming. Only thing that you think it is is that oh I have met this man. Oh my god, they are be they like the man of your dream or the woman of your dream because they have faked it for so long and learned these behavior or it has been passed down and when it been passed down most of the time it's in your home and they see it has been done on them and they'll turn around and do it on someone else which I'm going to share my story a little later you know in the pro uh podcast you know about somebody going to be to uh get this and they going to be to understand who they are and how they got to this place, but I won't go into detail yet. But yeah, they just they fake it low key. They fake it, y'all. They fake this thing. And it just feel like this is the uh the man of your dreams, the woman of your dream. And once they can they know that you are locked in, they going to the mask fall off. And when the mask fall off, sometime it slips off. It'll slip down. And when it slips down, it would make you leave them or something, but you don't. You don't. And once you don't leave them, when that man slip down, that's when it start falling off a little bit more. And before you know, they'll start discarding you. And that means that whatever they once was giving, the love that they the amount of love that they was giving you, the things that they was giving you. So So you're saying that was all a facade? As yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. Now you got Ken over yonder on the panel. So um to answer your question, uh Ten, it's a lot to her, but I can't with a woman. So I'll just go through the friendship when you're around that woman. That woman is going to um she act superior. It's like she's more superior than you. She's going to always try to outshine you. her energy is gonna I don't know it's just like a it's cocky and you can feel it but at the same time if you're a selfch checker you're gonna think it's you that feel that way you know no it just mean I don't need to act like that you going to always check yourself and try to correct yourself when all the while it's coming from that individual I have a brother he's not my real brother but we um you know he's my brother that's her hus one of my friend her husband and I picked it up that she was once I really found out what a narcissist were were I um I was like okay she's a narcissist or whatever that he had been going through for a long time and nothing only thing that happening in that relationship is he is changing he's always trying to change thing to make things right make things um better but she does nothing she just shine she do whatever she want spend all the money that she want to spend and she do absolutely nothing because it's almost like he's entangled. He's there. Is a child involved. It's it's a lot. Anybody else want to add to that? Yeah, I have my hand raised. I don't know if y'all see me, but uh uh if you don't mind, can we can we go back to the Okay. Well, first off, I want to say I've I've dealt with a narcissistic lady before, but I just got a question. As a man, I feel like I feel like you just I feel like I'm a narcissist by the by the way you describe the narcissistic man. Um, the calling. What What did you say about Okay. He's gonna call you beautiful. He's gonna uh I forgot the other one. I said that a narcissistic man in one setting, you don't have to tell me I'm beautiful 20 times. Okay, that's fair. That's a that's a red flag. You get what I'm saying? You got so men that, you know, they see and meet this woman and they think that she is beautiful and when they're looking at her, they was like, "My god, you're beautiful." You know, you know that you're going to u say that. But once you just keep saying you're so beautiful, I can do this. When you start adding on all these things that you can do or whatever, but you still hitting that keyword beautiful, I'm telling you it's, you know, it happened every time with me and that and being that I study on it, I have lived it and I have even been the um played the narcissist. I played roles of the narcissist but I didn't want to get into all that until you know so I know the mind of it and it I know the mind of the narcissist because I was that's would go back to Loki I think maybe some others maybe or you expanded on it earlier that about I played the role I was oh yeah was Loki said that um is it a learned behavior and I think you also case said that you think that it's a learned behavior but yeah I played the role because That's what I learned. I learned that from how a man treated me, you know. And so I started doing to him because I had attachment problems, you know. I didn't know what to do. So I did to him what he did to me. But as I study and as I learned and understand this thing to a tea, that's what I did. I took on the role of a narcissist many of times. But um to answer your question, no, you're not a narcissist if you I'll just say this. When you saying she's beautiful, are you genuinely saying that she's beautiful or are you saying that because you're trying to get something from her? I'm gonna put it like this. Y'all know Okay, I'm okay. I don't I don't mean to get like I don't mean to personalize this whole thing, but y'all as y'all know me. Y'all know me from from other panels. So, I don't talk much. And if I say something, I mean that. Like, I'm not I'm not going to say it just to be saying it. like, "No, I mean that." So, even even pivoting off of what did you say? You said something along the lines of he's going to tell you all of these things. First of all, if I like you and I if if you can get me to I guess fight the urge, I don't know if I can no longer fight the urge of telling you that you're beautiful over and over, you like you've got me. Like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if if I'm if I'm taking this uh this topic and trying to make it positive, but it was just it was just the way that you describe the man as he's going to tell you, you know, he you're beautiful. First of all, I I feel like I feel like a narcissist, they mean the things that they mean. Like I feel like to be a narcissist, it takes a certain how can I say this? To hate somebody, it takes a certain level. It takes a certain um level of love to hate somebody. Like, am I making sense? For for somebody to for somebody to want to have uh that much hate for you, you had to have started it to love like they love you that Okay. Okay. I Okay. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Because I'm about to get into something. Um come on with it. Okay. So, let's see. Let's say someone loved you so much that they felt like they were the best fit for you. Like you were like like they were your only friend. God's gift to earth. Like can't nobody else love you like I love you. And in reality, you believe that. You believe like okay, I know they love me, but damn. Like can you can you ease up? Can can I breathe? This is suffocating when someone loves hard. I I'm just trying to I'm trying to I'm trying to I like how how because even even going back to how this the whole narcissist thing is is so watered down now. Like like I feel like we could be okay, let's be real. We could have a narcissist narcissist in the panel right now. going back to to what sis said like she's she's shown these these behaviors which yeah so so it's like damn like I don't know can how does one recognize this how do I know if I'm not a narcissist my darn self you know like y'all follow y'all follow now it goes back now it goes back to the point of you actually realizing that narcissity is easily acquired because All it takes is a certain level above arrogance to become a narcissist is what I'm gathering. Arrogance though. I mean cuz think about it when you talk if you think about what said you got you got to have arrogant demeanor. You know what I'm saying? But yet it's about me and so therefore I'mma tell you about me and what I can do for you from me. So everything has to deal with me me is the quality that I'm looking at. Keep going on Loki. You on to something. Go ahead. Keep going Loki. Well, all I can I mean all I can say is if everybody if people actually think that you know what I'm saying, everybody has a a bit of a quality of a narcissist. It's just the whole point about will you amplify it or will you make it, you know what I'm saying, die down? That's the only question. I land my plane. Yeah. Did you want to uh chime in? Yeah. I had your hand raised. Okay. Um I was going to say was V. You were saying how you had somebody say, "You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful." So, I didn't have somebody say that to me. Um, so for me, I would question like,"Am I beautiful?" I had somebody be like, "Oh, I'm better looking than you pretty much," you know? So, for me, I would always question like like, "Am I like even cute? Like, am I even cute? Am I even the same level as you?" cuz he would always rate me pretty much like oh you're only a six and a half or you're only a five like so I always felt really like I don't know like I never being with the narcissist like I never he never really told me that but like I said I've only been with one um so maybe that's my experience with one so I just wanted to add that to that. So yeah. So you're saying he made you feel low? Is that Yeah, because he would always rate me. He would always be like,"Oh, I been with the a better looking woman than you. You're only a six and a half." So basically he he was shooting. So basically the words he was speaking were like knives knives and needles to your body. Yep. Okay. Okay. So So next, what told you to it's time to break away? What what gave you what made you feel like it's about that time? When I was pregnant and um I found messages for like the 20th time and I knew he was never going to change. Okay. Okay. So, now that you seen that he won't change, you know what I'm saying? What if just what if he would have came to you and been like the person that you kind of been looking for? Would you have stealed through out the window? Say that again. Would you have would you have let him uh come back or stick around? Because cuz he kept saying he would say he is going to change. He's going to go to therapy. He's going to change. He's going to change whenever I would threaten to leave. And and that was the thing is every time there was a few times where I did drive back to Oregon, but I would go back. There was like three times I did that, but I always went back to him. And every time it was the same results. And when I was pregnant, I remember looking at those text messages between him and this girl. And I knew that he just was never going to change. I I just was looking at it and I was like, my baby I And on top of that, he was physically abusive to me. So I didn't want to raise my little boy around that. Okay, that's what's up. So therefore, you created uh ele uh illuminating light to help you propel forward. Right on. Okay. Ten had a question and so um I just pulled up my notes on identifying a narcissist can be tricky. Just letting y'all know what this is. Especially because they often match their true nature. However, there are key traits and behavior commonly associated with narcissistic personality disorder. Anytime you get on this subject and you're talking about this, I feel like anybody that know about this and have experienced the abuse from it or whatever, you're going to question yourself and wonder, am I am I a narcissist? Because I I believe that we all carry quality the trait. And the reason why I feel like we all carry the trait is because of the trauma that started from early on in life. We carry some type of trait. that um I think Loki said that I'm just paraphrasing where he said it's as if you either can have those the traits and you can intensify their traits that can turn into becoming full-blown narcissist or you can you know check yourself and say hey something don't seem right cuz I'm always acting this way I always want to be seen I you know just things that you want to do and you start checking yourself and you know refraining from it trying to turn away from those things then it you know the traits eventually leave you know right side but um where's 10th I believe so to touch on basis of what we're getting here is like we're looking at the fact that we're saying that the traits can be innate within us because of our upbringing because of how we were raised or an experience that we've had you know throughout a relationship or whether to be with a parental figure or whatever the case. Bottom line up front is what we're saying is that hurt people hurt people. And what we end up doing is passing on those same traits down the line, you know, generationally. And it starts with it's like this right here. If you know how to fix a car and you never went to any type of certification program, um, nine times out of ten you learned that trait from, I don't know, a relative, you know, whether it been your uncle, dad, you know what I'm saying, whoever who've learned that trait from someone else. It was passed down through generations. And a lot of times we continuously do things simply because it's something that we are accustomed to. It's something that we have been trained to do. It is something that for the lack of better term, it just seems right because it's the norm. It's what everybody is already doing. Bringing it back full circle when you're talking about narcissism and how it it's perpetuated throughout the our cycles throughout life because no one takes the time to say, "Hey, this isn't right." We have normalized a lot of the trauma and things that we've had. So a lot of times we don't recognize when these things are happening to us because we feel like it's normal and it's not normal because we've normalized everything from being in a single family household to to you know what I'm saying just however we get through on a day-to-day basis. We normalize all of these things because we feel like it is something that basically is what we're supposed to do. When you when you're dealing with a narcissist and this person, whether it's a parent, especially if it's a parent, and they're withholding love from you, you know, they would send up here and they act as if, you know what I'm saying, oh, you didn't do XYZ, so you I'm not going to do this for you. You know what I'm saying? It becomes that tit for tat, that quit pro quote. uh you must do something in order to receive something. That is a that is that that alone is a manipulation trait. You know what I'm saying? It's it's that it's a stick in the carrot. However, you're getting more stick than you're getting carrot. That that carrot is just it's it's a placeholder. What they end up doing is they will they always move the finish line. Oh, you can do this. If you do this, I'll give you this. And as soon as you get close to it, well, you didn't do this right here. So now you got to go do this right here too. You know what I'm saying? It's just it's that stick and carrot. You know what I'm saying? But when you're wrong, boy, do they come down with that stick. When when they feel like you are wrong. I'm not even going to say that you are wrong. But when they feel that you are wrong, they come down on you heavily. You know what I'm saying? Berate you, whatever the case, make you feel small as you possibly can to continue to control you. You know what I'm saying? So you have to learn to recognize when these things are happening and learn to play their game against them. You know what I'm saying? So if you can recognize that when when the gaslighting is happening, you can turn it back around. So when they come in and they start to to love bomb, they're looking for a reaction out of you. Even with that, if they tell you that they love you, I love you, I love you, you're so beautiful, you're so beautiful, they're looking for a reaction. and you give them thank you and you walk away. That's it. Because what they're looking for is attention. And what you do is you starve them of that attention. And the second you do that, then you will start to see their true colors. You're going to see how they would go the extra mile because wait a minute, you were supposed to do this and you didn't do it. So now I got to step my game up to make it seem, you know what I'm saying, to go even harder. But all you do if you if you remain calm, if you learn to recognize these little games and stuff that they're playing when they playing it and just volley that stunk right back at them, they can't stand that. They cannot stand to be called out. You call them out when they are doing the things that they are doing that you know is the narcissistic trait. If they lie and you know they're telling a lie, call them out on the lie right then and there. Don't even Don't even wait. Call them out right then and there. You know what I'm saying? Whenever they do something. And another game that I like to play with them cuz you know what I'm saying? Talking this early is like playing games. This is one of the things that they love to do. Especially if if you're in a relationship. Oh, I'm getting ready to go out. I got to go run some errands. I'll be right back. You know what I'm saying? the fact that you're going to run errands, but you don't want to state where you are. But the second I get ready to walk out the door, you want to know every steps that I'm going, I hit them with the same answer. Oh, where you going? Oh, I'm about to run errands. I'll be right back. I'mma give you one of your answers. And do and do it just like that. Call them out because now you can't sit up here and say you didn't do this because I just told you I'm doing the same thing to you that you just did to me. And if it was cool when you do it, you better not say a word to me when I do it. And on that I will end my plane. That was good. That's some good some good food right there. Like I said, it's so much to this right here. I've studied this studied it and studied it until I became exhausted because it it runs so deep. But um I did want to go back to what Tenth is saying and then case you was like um it seemed like you're a narcissist but it's not because you know if you're being real when you're saying those words to your person but um I just want to kind of give out some traits of a narcissist and one of the traits is you lack empathy. Narcissists lack empathy. So you have to check yourself and see do you lack empathy and um if you um lack empathy you know that's something that you have to pray to your creator or you know have a conversation with yourself about lacking empathy because narcissist does not have any empathy at all. Do anybody want to interject on that before I go got his hand up. Okay go ahead kasea. So, um, while you guys are talking, one thing I noticed overall is that a narcissist acts different outside the doors in public than they do behind closed doors. They have two different personalities. And like Ten was saying, like, you know, if I tell my, you know, girl I love her and this that and I when I say it, I mean it. you do that outside the doors in front of the world, then you'll do that inside the home as well. It's only you, too. And I think that's one of the key ways of knowing if you're dealing with a real narcissist because it's like they're angel. They're perfect. You know, they're charming. They're sociable. You know what I mean? They seem like they care about others. You know, they're dapping up. Everybody likes them. You know what I mean? They're they're that guy or that woman. Then when behind the doors, it's a whole another beast. That's when they start. They don't degrade you out in public because that'll make them look bad. They're not going to do nothing that makes them look bad. But once you get behind them closed doors, oh yes, you're going to get the business. You're going to you they they'll tell you everything that you like and whatso whatsoever at that moment of time. But yeah, that's that's one thing I I noticed about it, you know, even in the conversation with two guys. Yeah, they definitely act totally different outside. Exactly. And that's a way of you checking yourself to say, "Hey, cuz I'm running this down because 10th, you hit that on the nail." You know, you need to know a lot of time we wonder if you're a narcissist or not. So these are the notes that I had, you know, to try to ask myself, you know, and I know I have empathy or whatever. So like I said, one of the things is if you lack empathy, check within yourself and just see why you lack empathy. And another thing is like you a constant need for attention and validation, you know, you just seeking on for attention and validation or whatever, that's what narcissists do, you know. And just because you uh seek for attention and validation, it doesn't necessarily say that you are narcissist. If you can selfch check cuz narcissists can't selfch check. They're just to make to sum this thing up. Nar narcissist don't selfch check when you actually think about you know what I'm saying? Think about what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? A person is going to sit back and examine themselves to the tea. Have See, not a lot of people is willing to do that. Not a lot of people is willing to to stop and critique themselves because all they know is what they know because they've been oh I've been this person been myself for so many years I know myself so supposedly quote unquote you know so people sometimes come through and they play the role but it's more or less like uh like what Kingston said it's a double-minded person. You know what I'm saying? So if it's a double-minded person, they're not going to look at themselves when they have someone to look at. You see what I'm saying? So therefore, that's the reason probably the reason why they shift the blame and all of this as what goddess was saying. And so all of these play a a prime uh a prime key to to figuring out or even unlocking them their higher self because sometimes you don't have to uh you don't have to uh just look at the situation and be on the outside looking in because most people don't actually do that to themselves in that moment. And so if a person didn't do that to themselves in that moment, then they would absolutely lose track or focus upon the whole goal of what they're trying to achieve. Does that make sense? you lost me a little bit at the end. But the key point is I mean if you're if I'm understanding you correctly um at the very end if I'm understanding you correctly are you saying that at the moment when something is happening a person don't have time to selfch check but see a person wouldn't want to selfch check you see what I'm saying cuz see things selfchecking is something that is something that's required but yet not required and something that's wanted and sometimes not wanted. So therefore, if you know what you're doing and you self check try to selfch check yourself, you're going to overlook this on purpose and then other people would absolutely hit it on the head and try to change it or critique it. But that's the whole like you never know because you have to wait for that moment. You have to wait for this certain time. You have to wait for some. You have to wait for something just to get across to see about the something that you're trying to see. You I understand that. And at this moment isn't it's not about if you're in the midst of something. It's we're actually talking about if you want to know if you're a narcissist or not. Because a lot of people question that, you know, once they hear the word narcissist and you uh dissect that word, you start wondering, am I a narcissist? And the reason why people ask themselves, am I a narcissist? Because we carry the traits because of things that has happened. Going back to what aunt said, you know, it's learn behavior. You know, we we learn things and we think it's it's the norm for it. So what I'm doing is I'm just diving into for our panel and also just for people that is viewing this to you know if they have that question they can um selfch checkck their yourself at any given time. It don't have to be in the midst of a situation that's going on. When you have time alone or whatever, riding down the street in the car, whatever you're doing, you check yourself. You know, if you uh if you're wondering that because a lot of time things going to be called out when you're on this subject, that's going to make you question. You know, just like with Kase when he said, "Well, the way you're, you know, it sounds like I'm a narcissist from the things I was saying, you know, but you have to do a selfchecking." So, I'm just calling out some things. Anybody else? The one who brought us all together. We are all talent. Can y'all hear me? Yeah, we can hear you. Okay, cool, cool, cool. We are all just a talent here. You know what I mean? Just bunch of people that just came together that just had some things in common that found common ground and were able to talk to come together and make a podcast happen. Um, so again, titles are not important to me. What's important to me is the message. Um, ensuring that everyone gets the message that needs to be uh, received here. And today's message is just being able to identify um, narcissistic behaviors. Um, you know what I'm saying? Try and give you a couple things that you can actually do to cope with and to be able to pull yourself out of that situation because it's never going to end well. uh no matter how you look at it. And I was just in here thinking as I changed thoughts, right? So, am I toxic? Am I the problem? Because if I deal with somebody who I know is a narcissist, I give them back the every bit of that energy and it feels good to me. I love it. So, does that make me your narcissist? Cuz I don't start it, but as soon as you bring it to me, I'mma give it back to you because I recognize it. Am I Am I the problem? Damn. I'm big petty. Let you know, bro. So, but I mean, and in you know, it's all fun in games until somebody's feelings get hurt, right? So, um but when you sit down and you think about it, you know, you just want to be able to identify and detach from, you know what I'm saying, the narcissistic behaviors. You want to be able to just find yourself and find peace. And the best way to deal with the narcissist is by not allowing them to knock you off your square. By not allowing them to get you out of character, the second you get out of character, they got you. They have you. You know what I'm saying? And they pretty much can do whatever it is. ragd dog you at that point because you are out of your element. You're out your mind. You're just focused on the one thing that they wanted you focused on. It's a lot of times if you look outside of that picture um I like to look at it like the um the magician um you know the uh what they call it the three cards. Um what smoke and mirrors? Yeah, exactly. Smok and mirrors misdirection. There it is. You know, um, a lot of times they have you focused on the one thing that's sitting right here in front of you. Pay attention to my left hand. Pay attention to my left hand. Don't Don't watch my right. Pay attention to my left hand. The slider of hand. Exactly. So, you're looking at these people and they got you focused here and they got you out of your character, which is over here on this other side because they only want you focused on this little small thing that I want you upset about. and you fall into that trap every time because they know how to manipulate you. Learn to pull back and learn to understand when somebody is drawing you in. And once you can see that they're drawing you in, detach, you know what I'm saying? Recognize it for what it is and move forward. And I'm going have to keep it real with you. That is the hardest thing to do. Especially when you when you are like a short-tempered person and you know what I'm saying? I want it like you know you especially if you're the type person that want the last word won't you you know what I mean? Like people out there like that. Agreed. And and narcissists always want the last word. They're never going to let you say anything differently, you know. um always want the last word. It can be an argument and and you can be done like, "All right, you done." And then they'll have something else to say. You know what I'm saying? It's like,"Okay, you got it." And just let them have it. I understand where you're coming from, Loki, but remember what I told you before. Especially if you are quick-tempered, answer the why. Why does this make me so upset? Why does this knock me off my square? Why? Once you figure out that why, you you don't allow anything else to come in to to disturb that piece because you figured out the core problem. And once you fix the core problem, all the other stuff is just laughable. You just see it for exactly what it is. Oh, you've been sitting up here playing on my trauma, my childhood trauma that I didn't recognize, but you did. But now that I recognize it, it's no longer hurting me. You know what I'm saying? But that's another subject for a whole another podcast. And uh I'm I'm I'm off my soap box right here. I understand what you're saying and it makes a whole lot of sense and I appreciate you for reminding me who I am and what what I'm trying to achieve. And for the future of this listeners of the listeners out there always remember to selfch checkck yourself to understand yourself to rise above yourself. Thank you Loki for that. Right on. So, um, I'm going back a little bit or whatever to try to finish up how you know how to selfch check to determine whether you are a narcissist or maybe just carrying a trait. And um, I'll go back again, lack of empathy, needing constant attention and validation, manipulation and exploitation. Meaning that if you check yourself and you see that you're always being manipulative and you always exploiting people, you know, when things don't go right, you know, you're trying to find somebody to to join side with you, you know, that's a key sign, you know, or whatever. And it brings you to having the narcissist having so-called flying monkeys. I don't know if y'all ever heard of that term. And if you have, could you chime in and explain? So the flying monkeys is a symbolism as we know from the Wizard of Oz, right? Ones that they send out to attack you, the ones that they constantly send over in your in your direction to pull on your energy to just keep you discombobulated, knock you off your square, can't get right. You know what I'm saying? So it's one thing after another. They just continuously just come at you, attacking you. And that's basically what they're talking about. Exactly. I just had something like that happen to me probably about a year ago. Actually, it hadn't even been a year yet. Um I was uh dealing with these group of people. There's like three of them. And um I always wondered like what's my purpose? Because when you're a helper and you you know you just love people, it's in my nature to kind of like flock to this uh you know to c certain individual even if they're not even you know it would be somebody that I wouldn't um hang out with or whatever. But anyway, I was uh hanging out with them and I kept praying about it asking God why am I connected to these people? To make a long story short, I was hanging around them and everything, not knowing that I was being uh baited in, not knowing that I was being uh gas lit in so many ways. And um then after God started revealing things to me and I pulled away and when I pulled away, there comes the flying monkeys. It would mean that they'll uh have people they'll tell their side of the story of what that happened, you know, why I'm not around or whatever. And so to u to get them on their side and then all of a sudden here go the uh attack, you know, somebody just coming and attacking and and that, you know, and it happened within my family, you know, people thinking like once I pulled away, I'm being attacked for the things that was said, you know, by family members or whatever. So, you know, you have to be careful for those flying monkeys. And the thing that helped me, especially within the last year when that happened to me because it had never happened to me through, you know, outside of my family, what I did, I just ignored it and I made sure when somebody came to me, I didn't bash that person. I didn't do anything. I just didn't tell what happened. I didn't say anything. I just moved on, you know, just kept it short so that it won't keep going back and forth and it won't add on to all the flying monkeys because that's what they do. They go run till she said, you know, that he say she say thing or whatever. So, thank you for your lovely explanation and are there any more remarks or I'm going to turn it over to I'm done. Has her hand raised. Let's go ahead and and respect the guest. So, let's go ahead say what she has to say. Um, I just wanted to touch on real quickly that narcissism in relationships can be completely like emotional and draining. It's damaging to one's self-esteem and victims usually experience long-term mental health issues as well as physical problems, headaches, muscle tension, stomach issues, so forth and so on. All I want to say is this is that yeah, you know, we may have a bit of narcissism in ourselves, but it's how you deliver the message. It's not, you know, it's what you say and it's how you deliver. And the thing is is that I feel like, you know, now that I'm fully aware of what narcissists do, I just completely avoid it, you know. But that's all I have to say. I'mma turn it to you, Ank. Thank you much. Thank you much. So, this pretty much concludes our podcast for today. Hope everybody got something out of it and that the message that we actually put out here was able to resonate and that people were able to see um that you're not alone. First and foremost, there is a community of people who deal with this and we are all here to support each other. Uh tap in with us here. Follow us on all your socials. You can check us out. So, we'll keep you guys posted. All types of uh VIP things coming along. Big things popping here at AIO. You know what I'm saying? So, we all in. We all in one. Thanks for coming out. Appreciate you. Thank you for having me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Love and peace.