Why Parenting Feels Hard | Real Journeys of Struggle, Sacrifice & Love

🎙️ ALL IN ONE: Real & Authentic

Parenting isn’t easy—and it’s not supposed to be. In this episode, we get real about the highs, lows, and emotional battles that come with raising kids in today’s world. From single parenting and financial struggles, to balancing identity and responsibility, this isn’t a how-to guide—it’s our raw testimony of what it feels like to love, fight, and grow as parents.

💔 In this conversation, we share:
- The sleepless nights, self-doubt, and stress that come with parenting
- The sacrifices made in silence that nobody talks about
- How parenting has reshaped who we are as people
- The moments that broke us—and the ones that made us stronger
- Why showing up, even imperfectly, is enough

✨ If parenting has ever made you feel lost, guilty, or overwhelmed—you’re not alone. This episode is a mirror of the real, authentic struggles of parenthood.

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Chapter Markers 
00:00:00 – Welcome & Intro
00:05:00 – Early reflections
00:12:00 – Key struggles
00:18:00 – Turning points
00:24:00 – Personal stories
00:32:00 – Lessons & resilience
00:40:00 – Healing insights
00:48:00 – Audience reflections
00:55:00 – Closing thoughts

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome & Intro
• 5:00 Early reflections
• 12:00 Key struggles
• 18:00 Turning points
• 32:00 Lessons & resilience
• 40:00 Healing insights
• 48:37 Reflections
• 55:00 Closing thoughts

Transcript

0:19

[Music] Goddess, you had your hand raised. Yeah. Um, I've been a parent for 4 years. Um, so I'm still kind of new. Uh, I feel like I'm still figuring it out what works for me. I'm I'm a single parent, though. Being a single parent and raising a little boy. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I I don't know. I mean, if I'm being honest, I want to cry. Maybe it's just parent being a parent in general. Like I don't know. It's I mean I guess for me it's like every single day. Oh um he hit somebody. Oh my gosh. Or he talked back to me or he threw dirt on somebody. And I know he's still little. So for me the biggest challenges that I'm facing with him is that when I say no uh for something it's the jumping up and down and screaming okay why be screaming about that I said no you should just be like okay it's like I don't know I don't know I don't know it's like I'm figuring out how to fix that but it's also like I don't it's like in America Well, in India, we parent differently. If if I say no and you do that, oh, you're getting your butts banked, you know. So, it's like here. Yeah. I don't know. So, that's like my biggest challenge right now. But at the same time, it feels like I I don't know. I'm like he his dad isn't in his life. So he's not getting that male presence in his life. So I am not sure how to give that side of me to him. I can't be that male and a female. If that makes sense. I don't know if I'm making sense. You're making sense. One thing I will recommend is karate. Oh. Oh. Okay. Yeah. I've been wanting to put him into sports cuz I heard that takes a lot of aggression out, but oh my gosh, I thought, okay, so whenever I do say like if I do give him like a consequence like, oh, no TV or anything like that, he does get really angry. And I wonder if that's the genetics because I had to work on that myself. I don't know. I don't know. Who knows? But yeah. What's up, Quesan? Then we going we going to go to Mikala. So um to piggy back off uh Indian Goddess um here in the States. Um excuse my friends. At least I know in my community um coming up we will pass. Um that's what you do. That's how it was always been. Even even now, you know, it's more political now. You know, court systems get but like that was that was it. Like um I guess it's the upbringing was similar to what you used to back home where you do something, you get torn up. We used to have to go and get our switches or, you know, send you outside in the backyard, bring it back in, you know, and they gonna whoop you with the one that you uh that you picked out. If it if it's not good enough, they'll send you back out there to get another one. You know what I mean? It was it was a process. But I guess um back to the topic though of the challenges in parenting. My child's mother resides in New York and the mother of my child. I don't like saying the baby mama thing. That's another thing. But the mother of my child, she resides in New York and I reside in Florida. I think the biggest challenge is I grew up in a two-bedroom home and for her not to be on the home front daily is probably one of the most hardest uh things because I didn't grow up like that. I didn't have that type of, you know, division. I think, you know, over the years getting used to, you know, having to travel back and forth and all that stuff, I was groomed a little bit different than most because accountability was something that was on the always on the table. And my father, you know, as soon as I, you know, soon a little after I was born, he got into the military because he had a kid. I was there for my my family's journey, you know, my parents' journey. And I was the key to that journey beginning from what I'm 41. My parents met like I think they've been together since 42 years, married 40. So all I've seen my parents through their 20s, their 30s on up, you know what I mean? So I kind of grew up with my parents, if that makes sense. and seeing their journey along the way. So, um, not to be able to have that dayto-day interaction like when she's sick or, you know, something's happening at school or anything, you know what I mean? And not physically being able to be there is probably one of the most taxing. I think it's a mental, you know, drain because I even went as far as moving to it and trying to, you know, do the whole family thing, you know, not necessarily in love, but just for my child, you know what I mean? That didn't pan out. You know what I mean? And then someone, you know, gave me some wise counsel. It was like, you can't continue a relationship just because of a child. Which made sense because, you know, when I heard that you was born, you know, I had three jobs at one time. And I literally would get up in the morning, come home like midnight and do it all again. Get a few hours of rest when she was like when she was like when she was born. That's how it was. And it was it it had an effect on the relationship part of it because I was never around, but I was literally at work. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think my biggest challenge is not like having the heart to be there 24/7 and not actually being able to fulfill that. You know what I mean? And I give kudos. I I never disrespect, you know, the mother of my child because, you know, those late nights when, you know, she was going through her terrible tubes, you know, and, you know, she's waking up with baby powder everywhere and she has to be to work in a few hours and she has to clean it up, still get the baby ready and still do this, that, and the third. The difference was if that was to happen when she was living here in Florida, I would be the one, you know, well, my baby was good. She slept through the night. But like if it came down to change her pampers or do anything like that, feeding her, watching her, doing her, whatever, I was more a hands-on parent because that's what I was used to. But not being able to do that is kind of like, you know, the years go by. You know, she's 16 now. And it's like every opportunity that I have to make a strong impact in her life, I make sure that I I show up for it. But it's that dayto day, you know what I mean? It's like when kids when children have fathers that live literally in the same city or even if they leave the state away, you know what I mean? I I like I look at them and I'm like, you know what I would give to just draw seven hours instead of 17 or 20 plus hours? You know what I mean? Like that I don't know. I I don't get how you could have a kid so close and not pick them up from school or you know it's like I can go on and on about you know things that I see around me and people dropping a ball and they have a gift that some people just don't have. You know what I mean? they have to plan to see their children and you all you have to do is wake up in the morning and either drive a couple of blocks or whatever it may be. So yeah, and and and you know, I've been married too. So another uh thing with her distance is getting up in the morning and doing what I would do for my daughter or a child that's not biologically mine and exuding all of these qualities that I wish I could be. I wish I could wake up in the morning, cook my my daughter breakfast, you know, like those simple things that we take for granted, just helping her out with our homework instead of, you know, hey, facetiming and we we do this just that inperson thing that uh element that was missing. So, but we made it. We made it like, you know, we made it through, you know what I mean? and I'm glad and proud of the journey, but you know, maybe that's the reason why even to this day I'm 41 and it's like I still want that full experience of parenthood that I feel like low key I was robbed but you know it is what it is you know it's life but that's it. And so speaking on um basically um touching on what God has said, you know, I will say kudos to you for being a single mother. I was also and still am a single mother girl. Even when I was with my children's father, I was still a single mother. I did everything for my daughters. When I literally say I bled, [ __ ] ate, slept my daughters day and night, that was me. And even when their father was present, he wasn't present. You get what I'm saying? He didn't even know what school they went to. Sometimes he didn't even know what time they got out of school. There was times when I was at work and all his job was was to pick them up from school and he couldn't even do that because he would be so high lividly high parked in their school parking lot and then fall asleep. There were many a times that I got called by the school and I always prayed to God like my God I hope that they don't call social services on me you know because I'm being the outstand you know upstanding parent and working and whatever and all your simple job was was to just pick them up but you were not even parent you know a a proper parent to even pick them up because you were so high parked in their school parking lot and you fall asleep. I literally had to call his friend to go wake him up. And it just, you know, like I said again, God is kudos to you. You know, I've been a single mom for 20 years, okay, and I still am and I'm still raising them and I'm still learning, you know, and I can't wait actually for the next journey of being a grandma, you know. At the same time, it's like it is hard. It's a hard job and I understand you have a boy and I know like you said you're you cannot be a mom and a dad but you can be an outstanding mother you know and be that for him you know what I mean I want to say to Kan that you know you're an upstanding dad you know what I mean and I wish that I had what you want to be for your daughter you see what I'm saying and it just it kind of resonates to me and I'm just like you So there are so many people in this world that want to be a parent and cannot be and it is it is utterly disgusting to me and then come to find out after 21 years of my part of my life that I gave up to a man that I thought I was going to marry after five years to coming to find out by the 21st year where we decided to part that he had another family. You get what I'm saying? And they're in between both of my daughter's age. And you know, and now seeing that, it puts hurt in my children. And like I said, we've been to therapy after therapy after therapy. And I don't know how much more therapy we need. And the only thing I can honestly tell you that got us really through was God and praying and crying and praying and being able to just love on my daughters and them loving on me and mom, it's going to be okay. And you know, and I tell them it's going to be okay and we're going to be okay, you know, and because like I did explain to someone earlier today, I forgot who I was talking to if I was talking to to [ __ ] to Val or to Unk, but I had mentioned something about, you know, where I live here in the Bay Area. I have no family here. We are alone, you know, but we do have friends out here that became family, you know, but it's nothing like your own, you know what I mean? And my family lives up north. they're about an hour and a half away from me. So, it it it you know, it becomes a sore subject. You know what I mean? And even knowing that I just I just kind of feel like honestly, you know, we just got to give kudos to ourselves for being parents and who we are, whether we're with someone or not and doing it solo or by your whatever. I feel like we're doing the best that we could do and be the best version of oursel every single day. And again, like I said, this AIO family did not meet by accident. Not at all. I think it's truly purpose and it's purposeful. You know what I'm saying? And I feel like, you know, what we bring to the table is fire. And I can't wait. I can't, you know, I really can't wait. I know when I was talking to Unk early this morning,

6: 15:26

00 a.m. my time, 900 a.m. their time, and I was like too fired up and I was like, I can't wait. I said, I'm about to call him right now. And um I was telling him, I said, 'You know what I've seen God tell me is that I see fire. I see desire in what we're doing. And he's going to take it real far. And and like I told Unk, I said, I see a six month to less than one year window and we going to fly. And we going to be so busy, we not going to know what to do with oursel. But you know what? I just thank God for this platform. I thank God for each and every one of y'all. you know, things that you bring to me that you bring joy to my life and, you know, colors and things like that in my life. And just, you know, I I just want us to just keep going, you know, that's all. Hey, son. I just want to um mention something that you had said before I dive into what I'm going to say, but my youngest daughter, dad, lived I say about 3 minutes up the street from me. And that was like the most hurtful thing to know you live that close to us and never came to see my daughter. I It angered me. I was so angry. And when you said that, I it just brought back to, you know, that feeling of all how dare you live this close and not come see your daughter. But yeah, it's it's sad. But I I want to say my I I got a lot of them. But as y'all was speaking, I thought back to when my when I had, you know, both of my girls or whatever, my biggest challenge was not doing to them what had been done to me. And so I just kept praying about it or whatever. And then, you know, you have different people giving they different uh well, you need to do this to this child. You know, you need to do that. You know, they were just telling me. and so for uh for a minute because you know it's almost like I was trying to do things to please the people instead of like going with what you know parenting don't come with instruction. So I remember saying to God I said God teach me I told God I said I want to raise my children in the ammonition of you. I said I know I'm not perfect and I said but if you teach me I was crying. And I said, "But if you teach me how to do it, I'll do it." I said, "I'll do it." I said, "Just teach me." And from there, he just started teaching me, you know what I'm saying? How to get on cuz each child, you know, they have their own own personality. You know what I'm saying? They are two individuals for my daughter, which is 27 and 23. So everything that I was teaching, you know, he just tell me what to say, you know. I consulted him for everything. Even down to when they was, you know, want to date or whatever. You know what I'm saying? I just consult God about it. With that being said, moving forward, as they was getting older, one of my biggest challenge was letting go. How do I let go? And I was like, and I had to go into a prayer about that. So, God is carry you through as you're raising your son. is going to carry you because it carried me. And so he just taught me what to do, you know, cuz I remember um I had some young ladies over and it was like, "You got a boyfriend?" And I'm like,"You don't have a boyfriend?" I said, "No, she don't." So I kept saying it. So every time they come over there tell me and I remember hearing God speak to me and say to me, "You're teach you're going to teach her not to tell you nothing. So you got to get involved." And so what I did was I went in the room where all the girls were were. And I was like, "What's your boyfriend now?" You know, I just started asking her stuff. And so from there, we build a bun and you know, and so she was able to tell me. And so a lot of of my teaching that was done with my older daughter, I used it with my baby girl, but you know, like I said, they two different individuals. So, you know, but for the most part, it worked. Moving forward as they u became my oldest daughter getting ready to go off to college. And that was like one of the hardest thing, you know, like, okay, I had got to a place where I learned to let go, but I didn't let go totally because when she was in college, if you answer my call, you know what I'm saying? So, it's like it's a saying that when they're kids, they're on your lap. You know what I'm saying? You have that control, but when they become adults, you they be in your heart. You know what I'm saying? You always praying, you know, for u protection for them or whatever. So, I was just want to name a few of the challenges that went bothered me and just like, oh my god, trying to let go. But like I had stated earlier on live, you know, I went through some challenges with my baby girl trying to figure it out, trying to figure out because she was totally different from my oldest daughter. So, I went through a lot of challenges or whatever. And I'll say it worked itself out, you know, but it did it took a lot of crying and a lot of praying to get to that place where it did work work out. And for that, I am so grateful, whatever. And I still go through like, you know, challenges now, but the challenges aren't as bad, you know. I mean, like you said, your children are going to have a heartbreak. my uh you know my when I see like she messing up this is not the person for her um it was a challenge for me but I had to say you know what I'm just going to fall back let her live her life and just pray that he will be to come to me and just talk to me you know so I just became acceptive of you know this is what you want and you like if you like it I love it and so that's the uh challenge that I've been facing now But it's all good and I lay in my frame. All right, God. You had your hand raised. Yeah. Um, I have a question. So my question is what would the advice you guys would give anybody that's a young or a new parent that's raising you know three four year old like what advice would you give us like for behavior problems? Go ahead. So personally speaking I don't believe in spanking my children. my voice kind of carries. So, I remember trying to discipline my daughters and the only thing I could ever do is honestly like giving them a timeout. And even giving them a timeout, they would laugh at me. And so, what I had to learn to do was kind of put a little ump in my voice, you know, and be like, "Look, sit down." You know what I mean? Get take your 10-minute, you know, sit down. Be quiet. you know, you get a snack after your time out, you know, and what I also learned through therapy is learning to take things away that they like. What do you call it? iPad or phone. You know, kids nowadays, 3, four years old, they got their own phone and tablet and all that, you know, because I know my children had phones when they were like already in like end of elementary, beginning of middle school, like just so that in case any emergency happened, they have their own phone. But my basically my advice to you is just put a little more ump in your voice, you know, because you're so sweet spoken, you know what I mean? and just say, you know, just mean it with authority. You know, be author authoritative and take away certain things that he really likes and see if that works for you. Who we got next? We got um you next. Roger that. Let get my camera on here. All right. Okay. So, one of the things that I would actually say is like for new parents, man, is uh you have to understand that kids are going to push and test boundaries, right? We all do. You know what I'm saying? It's it's going to always be that that give and take, that push and pull. You know what I'm saying? Like uh other people said, you have to learn one, you can't raise everybody the same way. All right? You can't lead everyone the same way. So, you have to look at your child. And I personally do not believe in gentle parenting. I'm just going to come out and say it. To me, it doesn't work. To each its own. If it's working for you, then by all means, you go ahead and you and you handle that. You know what I'm saying? You raise your child how you see fit. In my opinion, I think that even going back to to the word, you know, if you spare the rod. Okay. All right. Y'all feel me? So, I'm not gonna even finish that, right? You know what I'm saying? It tells you that you will spoil the child. You know what I'm saying? It is written that if you spare that rod, you will spoil the ch the child. So, certain things I believe in. I do believe in timeouts and I also believe in time ups. So, if the child if the child is not doing everything that they're supposed to do, then I by all means, you know what I'm saying? Take away this, take away that. And if they're still doing the same thing, they're not learning the lesson. It's either that they're not learning the lesson or they still feel that there's room to push that boundary farther. You know what I'm saying? In whatever direction they're going in because you're not standing firm enough in in that. Now, at the same time, I have to tell you that there must be balance because being too firm on a child can also have a negative impact on them as well. So, you got to find the balance between, like I said, every every child is going to be different. You can't raise them all the same. And, you know what I'm saying? One you may just be able to say something to and then they'll pick up and they'll go and do something. And the other ones you might actually have to put them, you know what I'm saying? Do things to them. You know what I'm saying? To to persuade them a little bit more to do what it is that you want them to do. But, um, kids are going to push boundaries. Even as adults, we push boundaries at work. You know what I'm saying? So, just keep that in mind and do what's best for you based upon how your child reacts to the level of authority that you push forward. You don't have to go all the way. You know what I'm saying? You might be able to dial it back just a little bit. That's all I got. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I believe in u you spared a rod, you spoiled a child. And um I can remember like I said early on your live, my oldest daughter, easy breezy, she made motherhood easy for me. But my baby girl, she that was another story. And I remember when she was four years old, um I think I had got married at that time and she start I mean really start acting out. U she to act out. Anyway, um she was used the bathroom in the bathtub. Um she was always acting as if she was so scared to sleep in her bed. She don't know how to do nothing. I mean, she just it was so much or whatever. And I remember thinking like what in the world has happened and so at that time when she would like force you so little or whatever, I didn't really want to, you know, use the rod on her. But when I did use the rod on her, I made sure after, you know, everything is over with and, you know, gave her a moment, I call her in my room or either I go to her room and I ask her why did it have have to happen and uh that's one of the techniques I learned with, you know, just dealing with children period. you know, anytime you chastise them or have to use the uh rod or either, you know, take away something from them or whatever, you always kind of go back and talk to them and see did they understand. And um I think I used that method because a lot of time when things were happening to me, I didn't have a voice and so I always wanted to give my children a voice. So that's something that you can do. But you know like aunt said to each their own you know but you sometime have to uh use their rod but if the shoe fit wear it if it don't you know like with my oldest daughter I don't even remember giving her you know using a rod on her not many of times. So that's all I have to say. So um I guess I can give you I can play the devil's advocate right now. Um, and the reason why I say that is I believe in, you know, chastisement and all that, but does it actually work? That is the question. That's the question of the day. Does it actually work? Because my brother used to get his behind torn up all the time. And u the track record, my boy done been to prison. Uh, I'm talking about federal crimes, all that. You know, he went down, you know, the lane that we they were trying to prevent from going that way. I really think it comes down to the actual child. You're going to be at a disadvantage as a single mother because typically you would be the nurturer, a loving hand and the father would be doing the chastisement, right? Uh chastising and that was the kind of like the dynamic in my household um growing up. My mother would be like, "I'mma tell your father." It's like, "Oh boy, it's the end of the world." You know, you know, my father used to do some things. He was, you know, military, so you know, he used to boogie snatch you out the bed. Y you sound asleep, you know. So, you know what's what's going on? You know what I mean? Your mother tells me it's not. So, he established that dominance where if you looked at you, you knew what time it was. And you see it often, you know what I mean? where one parent is, you know, they attract them like they said, push those boundaries with them and then you get the father or the more dominant parent coming in presence and they know, okay, all right, all right, it's time to straighten up or whatever. So as uh single mothers, you have to wear both hats. And being that you got to work both hats, it's like I have to be the disciplinary like I have to show discipline. But also behind that, I have to show the loving side too. I have to be understanding and that can be confusing too for a child. So I would say try different methods until you find out what works or grabs his attention to do better. It's a trial and error. Nobody can tell I believe nobody can tell anyone how to necessarily it's no rule book to parenting. Let me put it that way. It's no rule book to parenting. All you can do is the best that you can do because there are factors like my nephew, he has autism, you know what I mean? And he does his thing where he's very smart. He loves numbers. He's good. I'm talking about like rainchild type with the Rainman the movie, you know, Rainman. He's like good with numbers like crazy. like he's very intelligent, but at the same time, when he doesn't get his way, he mimics what he sees around him. And that's another factor. A lot of times kids end up adapting habits off of what they see and who they've been around, especially when they go in school or daycare and they see that, you know, acting out the kid gets their way at the end of the day. So some things are just learned behaviors that you have to kind of like monitor and break. But yeah, I you know, try try you like guys. That's all I can say. You got to tear them up. You got to tear them up if you you know if you have to you see that talking to them and really like all right I'm talking about one of them talks where you know it kind of bores them to death where they want to be like I don't want to I don't want to sit down with mommy and have that talk again. You know what I mean? And they they rather go another route. If it works it works. My father was talking. So it's like we would be up till 3 in the morning and he'll be sitting there quoting scriptures and you know having deep conversations with us but I cherish it you know as a man because a lot of the knowledge that I have today came from those talks and he didn't have to raise a hand you know what I mean so what it say man plants another man water and only God brings All you got to do is plant the seeds and things will, you know, come along. It might not be you. It might be, you know, God might send that person that can establish that dominance to get them right. You never know. But as long as you plant the seeds, it's going to come to pass and you're going to get the answer that you Who we got next? we got. Yeah. All right. So, Kesan, you talked you touched on a couple points uh that I actually had wrote down here. And it's like the first thing that I stated is that there is no blueprint. You know, it is trial and error. You learn as you go. And I I do want to reiterate that with you know what I'm saying, as you stated that there is no blueprint. You have you have to figure it out. The one thing that I will caution you over though, however, is that um especially being a single parent is using those statements such as I'm going to tell so and so and so or I'm going to you know what I'm saying tell this person or your aunt, your dad, your you know whomever that you might put that authority figure uh to. Understand that when you are doing that that is what's called a transfer of power. Your child is no longer afraid of what you would do to them. They are afraid of what someone else would do to them. And therefore, you may want to be that friendly parent, but you have just transferred all of your authority to someone else, you know. So, you have to be cautious when you're saying that and stand firm in what you're saying. But understand that especially and I and I cannot emphasize this enough especially as a young boy being chastised is one of those things that can cause trauma. So you want to be cautious as to how you do parent your child. Again it is your child. You you're capable of doing it however you want to. But from someone who actually came from an environment where mother was the disciplinary. She was the only person in the house that was going to be able to do anything, right? So, but by her being that disciplinary, you know, her words cut and they cut deep. And as a child, you don't know how to process those uh emotions. So, you have to stay be c all I say is that you be cautious that you're giving just as much praise as you are giving you know what I'm saying negative comments that you know when you're upset. Just make sure that you that you got a balance in there so that that the child understands that yeah, I did something bad, but I also did something good and I I get recognized for both of them. Uh as opposed to only, you know what I'm saying, just coming down whenever he's doing something that that you don't feel is appropriate when it comes down to that daycare part, but bringing it back down to to the level of where you are right now because we're talking four or five, right? He wants to play. Kids are free spirits. They just want to have fun and every and every once in a while you got something that they are doing something but they're kids at the same time. So how hard on you on him are you? Take away things that he really loves. Take away things that he loves to play with. Television the whole nine yards that but you have to find out what it is that that's going to touch him the most. You know what I'm saying? What I mean by when I say that is that it's the thing that's going to grab his attention the most is what I'm what is what I mean because I know that he wants this one particular item more than anything in the world. This one particular item here. You know what I'm saying? But all right. And if you're doing what remember what I said uh I think it was yesterday when we was talking about that whole that sticking carrot. You have to be cautious of that as well because that creates that moment that goes forward as well. So it is a delicate balance that you have to find. But again, there's no blueprint. So you have to do what's right for you and what your child responds to in the most positive manner. And from that I I'm out. I was just going to comment is whenever I do so I do believe in faking as well. Um, that's how I got raised. Um, but when I do spank him, it's yeah, like he cries for a minute and then he's like, "Oh, I want a huggy." It's hard for me not to be like, "Oh my gosh, come here." Because I am a woman and I am, you know, I do have that like nurturing side and it's hard for me not to be like, I love you. I know like I don't like what you did. You know, it's not okay to blah blah blah, but like do I not hug him? Do I just walk away? I don't know. What do we do? You know, like I don't know. I don't I I don't know. I don't know. you guys. Well, I would say um I guess it's depending on if you you know cuz a lot of time children will try to manipulate you by doing that. But uh with my daughter now, one thing about her, she was you know ch very challenging. But after you know everything over with, I go in there and I talk with her, you know, just to see do she understand why she had to get a spanking or whatever the case may be. She would when time to go to bed, you know, they always come give, you know, put the phones up or whatever. But this was before they had phones. She but she always did that. She came back with a a genuine heart and she would give a hug. So I could tell, you know, I knew that she was was a difficult child, but I know that her heart was pure, you know. Um, so if you don't feel that, you know, if he's being manipulative by asking for a hook right after, you know, he's, you know, get a u, you know, discipline or whatever, then yes, I mean, I would say go for it because you just never know, you know, what they're going through because you're not always around him. He go to school, right? And so you just don't never know. So, you know, he may be acting out and, you know, cuz I remember when I was going through a whole lot, you know, in my household or whatever, I would go to school and act out, you know, because I needed like I like when I got in like the fifth, hold on, fifth, I got in the sixth grade, what build me up was my teachers. They, you know, when I get in trouble in school or whatever, they will all gather in the hallway and they will talk to me even though I had did wrong, they build me up, encouraged me, hugged me or whatever. That was the things that I needed. And so by the time I got in the seventh grade, I, you know, the person I was being, you know, going through all that, it calmed me down. So that was like the first time and that that's my memory of you know feeling like I was somebody you know after you get your what somebody do things to you or whatever and you don't have no uh you know understanding and no no love no nothing you know hugs or whatever that was like the worst feeling in the world so I would say yeah give him a hug. So I agree also um with you know you give them a hug but also make sure like they've already stated uh get an understanding as far as making sure that the child understands why like truly understands you know what I mean I tried that and that's even you know in my uh parenting venture you know before we get the hug zone and all that I need to know you know do you understand what's going to dynamics of everything that's going on right But if they can sit there and tell you, oh well, I shouldn't have done this and I shouldn't have done that. Then you're going to it's like, okay, now we can embrace and now we got to move past it. But if they just going through the motions, you know what I mean? And it's not really registering registering. Um, and you know, you might run into a couple of stumbling blocks or repeated behaviors. But yeah, I was raised off the, you know, you get, you know, you get those whoopings and then the long talks. But the long talks did more, it did some healing. It did some healing. Let me say that it did some healing because I I think it reinforced the reason of first of all why I spent and it reinforced that I do love you because I'm giving you the opportunity to express yourselves too in the process. So it's like it was kind of like the best of both worlds. So make sure that if the kid has other thing I believe you know will defin make a big difference when it comes to the development overall. Yes. So one of the u most memorable spankings that I've ever received in my life came from my grandmother and she only spanked me twice in my life. But after I got that spanking from her, because I did some stuff that I really shouldn't have been doing, right, it kind of obviously it got underneath her skin because I've only got two spankings from my grandmother in my entire life. But not only did she hug me, but she also gave me that kiss on the forehead to let me know why she did what she did to to allow me to see what I did hurt her so badly that she would actually take it to that level. So to me, I appreciated the softness that came behind the spanking, the reasoning that to be able to let me know what it was that I did wrong. Not just that I was a bad kid, but here's what you did and here's how it made me feel and now you got to feel this way, but at the same time, I love you. Don't do that no more. You know what I'm saying? And keep it moving. So, but yeah, definitely show the compassion after the the action. You know what I'm saying? Just to let them know that we are still one team. You just stepped outside yourself and now we just got to bring you back into alignment. That's all. I just want to kind of intercede too as well that I feel like us as parents, we just kind of like again there, like everyone said, there's no blueprint. You kind of do what works for you. Um, I know that my youngest daughter, again, there's two different personalities, right? My youngest daughter, she had a lot of separation anxiety, terrible. I mean, terribly. And I I mean, it gone from where I literally would drop

her off at school at 8:05 or whatever the time it was, and at 8:10, 8: 44:54

12, I'm getting a phone call talking about, "Please turn around. you know, she's tearing up the office. She done pulled the shelves down and crazy stuff. And I'm like, what is going on? And again, part of it has to do with the household, you know, and if you exude love and positivity, your child will feel that love and positivity as well. And I know I will say this that when I was in my dark toxic relationship for 21 years, even though I smiled, I was not happy. It was fake. And now that I'm in a happy space and two years later, you know, with a man that's an amazing man and that he is also concerned with my children, I'm concerned with his children too and things like that, you know, it just brings, you know, just kind of like what Kesan said where you never know, you may meet one person and may that might be the authority figure that he may need. We all learn, you know, and it's a day-to-day thing and there's not a right or wrong answer. It's all in what you, you know, feel is right and what fits. You know, that's pretty much it. Okay, just real quick. So, I don't know if you guys have uh had this, but my son asks about his dad. What do you guys say? because he'll be like, "Where's my dad? What do you how do you answer? How do you For me, I don't want to talk bad about him." Um that I said that in the beginning and I told everybody around him not to. So, how do you Yeah. How? Yeah. Well, in your situation, it's a a a bit different because, you know, of your situation and you had to leave or whatever, but that's uh that's a good question. But I when my daughter used to ask for her dad, not my oldest daughter, her dad, her dad always been a part of her life. But when my baby girl ask for her dad, a lot of time I had to act like he was at work or something, you know, and what I would do cuz I used to just let her, you know, call him. Uh, he may be at work maybe, but, you know, just, you know, call him or whatever and just see. But then when she was smart enough to know he shouldn't be working all them hours, you know, and so what I'll do is I'll sneak, you know, and call him and just let him know, you know, to see if he'll answer. And it it was hard trying to not seem like he's a bad parent or whatever. It was a lot. So, I really just wanted to say, you know, with your situation, it's a little bit different, but if he was he could uh just try to call him or you called him and you know, let him know that he's he want to speak with you. I tried that and pretty much told me no. So, I don't know. Oh, so you would let him talk to him, but he don't want to talk with him. um that's something you going to have to pray about and maybe somebody on the panel have the answer. But that's um that's that's sad. Amen. I think in all honesty for me, I feel I was kind of also in the same position for my daughters. Um because after being 21 years together, from 21 years to not now really even seeing their dad or even hearing him talk or anything like that or even paying attention to them now that they're in their older days, you know, older, you know, a lot older than when he left or whatever. And um it's hard because I'm not the type of person or parent that will sugarcoat anything. I just tell it like it is. And I always explain to them that you have an opportunity to speak to your dad. I'm not saying to not call them. You can call them, but then there's times when they did call them and it never worked. And again, part of why my children now suffer from severe anxiety and they're all all medicated to have to be medicated because, you know, all the stress that all of this has caused them. One of my daughters has it's called basil bagel syndrome where she just passes out. I mean, you can like slowly tell him the truth when he's old enough to understand, but try not to sugarcoat it because when he gets to a certain age where he'll learn about the real truth, you don't want it to backfire on you, you know, for not really telling him or saying or sugar coating or maybe not really telling him like what happened. And one thing's for sure, like with my daughters, I was very honest with them, you know, and they found out for theirel, you know, dad had another family, dad, you know, did this and, you know, and like I said, you know, my oldest daughter, she has somewhat of a loyalty to her dad and to me as well. But the younger daughter, she has no loyalty at all to her dad. And and I don't blame her. I allow her to voice her opinion and how she feels because she was hurt, you know, not seeing him, him not doing things for us when we really needed him the most and him just leaving us and then finding out he has another family and he's traveling with them and he's posting [ __ ] on Facebook and you do what's fit for you. But um yeah, I mean it's it's so hard because there is no right or wrong answer. you know, you kind of do what fits and what works for you is pretty much all I can say. So, like you just said, um there's no right or wrong answer playing being in the step father role at one point, you know, we came across that same [ __ ] and what I've learned is uh you operate in truth. You operate in truth but some things I feel that you don't have to be blunt about kids are intelligent and they will know you know it they they they get the sense you know what I mean and they will come into the knowledge and do times questions will arise even at the most unopportune times you know catch you off guard I would say um the best thing you can do is pray about it and you know leave it in the higher power's hand because it's no worse that you know cuz if we tell them the the butt naked truth about it you know what I mean at the end of the day they're not ready for that they're not ready for the real you know what I mean but also you know morally driven if you know most people that's morally driven you don't want to, you know, deceive them or, you know, tell them a white lie, you know, during the process just to ease their, you know, plain uh their pain at the moment in time or their curiosity. So, I would I would say just be led on how to go about it. You're going to have your own way. You know, it is uh it is it is going to be challenging because it would be simpler if he would just pick up the phone and communicate and then it would just be like here's pap, you know what I mean? like he's here, you know, you can talk to him. It's like it's nothing. But when you're trying to make that outreach and it's not reciprocated or that's where it gets even more challenging, you know what I mean? But then, you know, you never know what the future may hold. Someone may feel that way or you know that may come across you know and and no questions kind of go out the door or they become old enough where when they do ask some questions they're ready for the truth you know so live live and learn that's all we can do live and learn and it will it will come to you there's many angels out here you know you know you have step uncles you have you know male figures even on the panel, you know what I mean? That, you know, that can definitely give some guidance and insight. You know, over the years, I'm sure you forge some bonds and you can use that, you know, those male figures, you know, that can kind of give them a little guidance and it probably soften the blow a little bit. Um, but uh it's on your man. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. All right. So, um, the one thing that I would say is this right here. Understand that kids see and they hear everything. So just because you may be having a conversation, you may think that they're not paying attention, they hear it. They see it. They watch it. They see your pain. They see you crying. They see even when you may not say anything bad about dad directly to your son, if you're saying something bad about dad and you're on the phone, they hear that. So, with that being said, just make sure, like everyone on the panel is saying, it's just to be truthful. You know, if hey, look, I called your dad. He don't want to answer the phone. That's what it is. Then that's what it is. You know what I'm saying? Do not make excuses for him. Don't do that because those moments I rather hear your your your your truth. And I know it's a kid that we're talking about right now. So, just give him give him the real just be real with him. You know what I'm saying? Love him. Just love on him. Just let him know that, you know what I'm saying? Uh that you are there for him and that you know that you're you're can do whatever that you can that you can possibly be. And while it is impossible, no matter how strong or independent you may be, you can never teach a young man how to be a man. That is something that you cannot do. Um, you have never walked a day as a man on this planet and therefore you will never know what it feels like to be a man. you can you can empathize with him and you can tell him what you think it may be like and I get that. But as far as telling him what it's like to actually do these things, I'm sorry, but um you're going to need to find someone that you find as a positive male role model to allow him to guide him in certain aspects because we're going to have different perspectives on things. men and women, we just see things differently off rip on certain things, right? There are certain things that we can see eye to eye on, but most things uh when it comes to that, you know, how we we somehow always seem to assign some type of role, gender role to something, it always gets attached whether we want it to be there or not subject. Again, going back to what I originally stated, the kids see everything. They hear they definitely hear everything. So your demeanor, how you feel and react is also going to affect how he feels towards his father. Because if mom is always hurt and always in tears, that brings resentment from me towards the person who's bringing those tears that's making her feel unhappy. I'm not telling you to hide your emotions. Don't do that. But be honest with him when you communicate what it is. And with that, I will yield the rest of my time. I agree with every thing y'all said and but I um like with my daughter I was like maybe he's at work and I did that for a while but um I just remember calling him and you know telling him that she wanted to talk with him or whatever just you know like try to pick up the phone and you know answer or whatever and um he didn't. So I did get to a place where I told her he just don't want to talk. She like I cuz it was one particular day she just kept calling his phone because she got to a point to know that in which he it wasn't a lot cuz he did work a lot because he stayed on call. So that was you know my way of like trying to figure out if I tell her cuz see she was a little kid there ever since she was like one. I always got questions after questions after questions. You know what I'm saying? So I didn't want to dig a hole for myself. You know and I didn't want to you know make him look bad. So a lot of time he was on call but it wasn't for a fact that he was at work. So I would tell her that but then she figured no. And another thing, she got a sister that's his. He would always uh tell her sister that he's at work, you know, and so he always, you know, I don't know, he he would play back and forth like if I'm calling, he wouldn't answer the phone, you know, for whatever reason because like I said, always was kind of like, you know, the person that would make peace between him and his other child's mom. But then sometime he'll just like flip and then answer her call and talk to the you know the sister or whatever and so they communicated. So you know she start picking up on things and I guess they probably had talked and she said he's not you know so when I told her one particular time that he was at he probably at work or whatever she was buying that. So I got to a place where I would let her just call and so she was like he don't he don't never answer the phone or whatever. I said, "Well, that means he don't want to talk." You know, and that and I didn't have to say no more after that. She just stopped calling. Eventually, she started seeing him for who he really was, you know. And like Ank said, you have to be real careful when you're talking because they hear they hear everything. Cuz a lot of time I would be cautious of what I'm saying because I know they they hear. But her sister mom when we are talking on the phone, she's not cautious of what she's saying. So therefore is going to get back to my daughter. And it was always I'm trying to explain it. But then I got to a place where you know what she just she just need to know the truth. And so I didn't never bash him or anything, but I always just told her he don't want to talk. I don't know why your dad would do uh you know do these things or whatever. And but I did u assure her now that I believe that he do love you. and she didn't think that he did. And I said, "Well, I think he loved you, but he just have a a funny way of showing his love." You know what I'm saying? Because I couldn't call whether he loved her. But to me, if I had to be honest, I wouldn't I wouldn't call it love. But I didn't want to never tell my daughter that because she already was going through something. I think I told y'all earlier, she was going through something, you know, with being picked on, you know, and so we was already battling that. So to add on to her about her dad, I just couldn't do that. And um I think I told y'all the story of like she one time told me that she didn't think her dad loved her, but she was a bit older and that's because you know both of her sister like my oldest daughter had her dad last name and then her sister by him had his last name. So you know that really bothered her. But once you know him and her tal he signed her birth certificate, things changed. She, you know, she never questioned whether he loved her, but at the same time, she went through all that to get her last name changed and then all of a sudden she don't use that cuz what happened when he signed the birth certificate, we added his name. So when I went to pick her up from school one day and I think that that's when she kind of realized like who her dad were because I was I signed her out and when she came up to the office, she looked on the thing and she was like, "Why you be putting that on when you sign uh sign me out?" And I was like, "Putting what?" And she pointed at the last name. I was like, "Well, that's your last name." She's like, "I don't use that name." You know, she like, "I still going on in in our last name." I was like, "Oh." And then, like I said, I feel like that's when she realized like her daddy is full of it. But uh yeah, I just want to say that you have to uh you know be truthful with them, but you have to u be mindful of like I said with her, she was already going through from the age of four, you know, beautiful girl, but didn't believe that she was beautiful, you know, uh cuz um kids would pick on her and made her feel like she was, you know, ugly because of, you know, that tooth growing big and then all the other ones small. But um I'm I'm done. So, I believe that's our time for tonight. Really do hope you guys enjoyed this podcast. I think that we got some really good conversation in today. Um, like I said, it's just a just an opportunity for us to get together and connect and uh hope that the people out there, the audience is actually receiving a message here that you can utilize and that um you come back in and you just kick it with us again. So, again, thanks for coming in. This is all in one.