Red Flags Are Real — But Why Do We Ignore Them?

In this episode of the ALL IN ONE: Real & Authentic Podcast, we go raw and unfiltered about the red flags we’ve all seen but chose to overlook. From cheating, manipulation, and trauma bonding to jealousy among friends and toxic patterns in relationships, we unpack it all.

💡 This isn’t a lecture—it’s real-life stories, hard truths, and powerful conversations about what happens when love blinds us to reality. We talk about:

• 🚩 Staying in relationships hoping someone will change
• 🚩 Why “I can fix them” is a dangerous mindset
• 🚩 When saying “I love you” too fast is a red flag—or not
• 🚩 Jealousy, friendships, and workplace toxicity
• 🚩 The difference between love as words vs. love as actions
• 🚩 Setting boundaries, choosing yourself, and knowing when it’s time to walk away

✨ If the price of love is losing yourself, that love is too expensive.

🔗 Listen & Subscribe:

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👉 Join the conversation. Share your story. And remember: Red Flags are warnings, not decorations.

INTRO Instrumental Produced by UNC Can Rap

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:34 NEW Member
• 2:16 What are Red Flags
• 8:15 Family Members
• 8:55 Signs of Manipulation
• 13:43 List of Popular Red Flags
• 16:55 F.O.G.
• 19:20 Ignoring Red Flags
• 24:35 Playing Field must be Even
• 25:44 Listen to Yourself
• 31:10 Talking bad about your Ex
• 35:15 Stop looking for You in others
• 35:58 ALWAYS & NEVER
• 42:05 Judgement / What people may think
• 53:00 Not Your Job to Fix Them
• 1:00:00 Question
• 1:05:05 Birthday Crashout - Insecurities Amongst Friends
• 1:07:40 Create a Safe space

Transcript

Good evening everyone. Welcome to Allin One. This is a podcast where we keep it real, we keep it authentic. Tonight we have a new uh member of the panel, uh Meech. And uh what we're going to do is go ahead and let him introduce yourself and then we're going to go ahead and jump right into the sub subjects and right into the podcast. So Meech, go ahead and tell people about yourself, man. Good evening everybody. My name is Demetrius, but um I go by Mei, which is better. Uh from Virginia, live in Virginia um most of my life. um former soldier um a patient care tech at University of Virginia Hospital. I write um I write poetry, short stories, love meeting new people. Um just a good down to earth brother. Sir. Yes, sir. Pleasure to have you. Welcome to the team. And you know what I'm saying? and I'm sure that we're going to have some great conversations come out of you as well um when it comes along to this podcast here. So again, we're going to go ahead and jump dive right in. So tonight's subject is about red flags. You know, uh often times we see them, often times we ignore them. Um, we give people passes when they probably shouldn't deserve that pass because we always or most people expect the best out of folks even though sometimes you just have to learn that people are who they are. So, we're going to recognize we're going to identify these red flags and uh talk about a couple of them here. And um these are the conversations that for me personally I wish I had when I was you know of age and when I was going through some of these things and wish that somebody could have sat me down and said hey look you need to pay attention to XYZ. So with that being said what are red flags? You know for me I look at them as warning signs. Um it's it's patterns that people continuously do uh that we make excuses for. Once again, you know what I'm saying? It's that unhealthy uh behavior that that we go into. One of the main ones is a lack of accountability. Um most people don't like to be told when they're doing something wrong or when something is perceived to be wrong. not necessarily because it may not be wrong to them. They, you know what I'm saying? You have to understand that there are checks and balances. Uh, a person may be doing a certain thing their whole life and therefore they think it's normal. uh when in re when in reality it could just be you know um that toxic behavior these red flags that we talk about um you know we we often justify those behaviors even if we do it ourselves you know no I didn't do that you know what I'm saying this happened not that happened you know what I'm saying the whole nine yards so for me uh a lack of accountability is one of those major red flags when people can't say if you if you know you did something just own it. That's just me personally. Own it and let's move on. Uh as opposed to shifting blame or trying to justify your behavior, you know. Um there's so many things that that we can talk about. That's just one, you know. Uh there are several different red flags and it's going to be different for everybody. um what somebody can tolerate, someone else may not be able to tolerate. You know what I'm saying? And that's perfectly fine. But it's all about recognizing these u actions as they happen. And then being able to either be able to talk about them, recognize what they are, or move away from them because you realize that that person just simply is not going to change. you know, it's it's innate within them and they're going to be whomever they have been their entire life and they refuse to change. Um, so with that, I'll go ahead and open it up to the panel if anybody wants to speak first, then I'll give you give you guys the opportunity to say something. If not, then we'll continue to roll on. So, anybody wants to take the floor? All right, Loki, proceed with your hand up. Go ahead and uh take over, my man. Well, when when people start talking about red flags, yellow flags, blue flags, all of these types of flags, you know what I mean? They are essentially meaning something. And when you uh how can I say this? When you look at the way people do things in their own way of life, what actually because I ain't gonna lie to you. I I mean I hear it and I see it, but I I'm really not I try not to judge people. So I try not I try to look over them type of things cuz it may just be a fluke. It may just be a a mistake. You never know. You know what I mean? And so it's like from y'all point of view on it, how can y'all call a red flag a red flag or what is it to y'all? Because that's something I would like to know also if you don't mind. U a red flag could be um you see um a person giving off a typical type particular type of vibe or they're doing things that that you're questioning like um it could be like um if you talking to somebody and they're showing like insecurity right from the jump y'all not even together that could be a red flag. um they're asking you questions about something like um say you're out with the person and then you look over and they tap you like who is that trick? Who is that dude looking over here? That could be a red flag. Um being bossy towards you, you know, like I don't want you to talk to your family. You only wor I'm the only person that you're going to be worried about from now on. You know, that's a red flag. So it's like insecurity, trying to control somebody, you know, so stuff like that, that could be a red flag. So So you telling me that if someone uh let's can't uh when you said somebody talking outside of themselves, you know what I mean? Like saying trick and things of that nature. So, can you can you uh elaborate a little bit on what cuz uh I mean I've heard people say this, you know what I mean? And but I never really understood what they really you have a significant other. Okay. Mhm. And um every time you go to work, when you come home, your significant other is like, "Who them bees you talking to at work? You shouldn't be talking to them bees at work knowing that you have to talk to people at work because you work with them. So stuff like that. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Right on. And so and you know like when they talk you know how they talk about the red flag but then if there are there any other flags that I must look for? Yeah. Um, you can look for um like like sneakiness, you know, trying to do stuff behind somebody back, okay? Somebody trying to do something behind your back, you know, trying to get over on you. It doesn't have to be a significant other. It could be a family member, right? You know, sometimes sometimes in life, you have to cut family members off too. Just trying to be real, you know, cuz sometimes I mean as you're moving up like crabs in the barrel, crabs in the barrel, some sometime your family member pull you down be like, "Oh, you going for a degree? Are you smart now? You ain't gonna never get no dang degree. Remember to go ahead and give it up." So that could be a red flag from your family. Okay. So bashing. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Okay. Okay. Now, uh Arya, I see you have your hand up. would would you like to input on this?

Yeah. So, um when it comes to red flags and deflection, the one thing that you want to look for is signs of manipulation. A person is going to try to manipulate you in multiple ways. Um to get you to do things right outside of yourself. Um they can really make you feel like you're questioning yourself. um kind of like gaslighting, narcissistic behaviors, things of that nature. Um you can look for like inconsistencies in their communication. Um they won't hold any kind of responsibility or accountability for making you feel the way that you feel. You'll start questioning everything. And honestly, when you start questioning it, it's really your subconscious is coming through and telling you that you need to watch out for these red flags. Um some some type of examples I can think of is like um when people don't have um empathy toward you or make you feel like whatever you did or said was wrong even if you know that you were in the right. um like a real life example I can give is I'm not giving any names but a a significant other um would be like oh you didn't you only cleaned the floor right you cleaned the floor in the house but you cleaned like the living room floor and because you only cleaned the living room floor that's not enough you did nothing all day you were lazy and and all that. So, you'll start questioning yourself and you're like, "Wait, did I not do enough? Maybe you had work all day. Maybe you had school all day. Maybe you only had an hour of free time to actually do something in the house and that one thing just wasn't enough." Those are just like different types of red flags. um love bombing people trying to make you feel like you're the you're in the best situation ever. Oh, I want to do this for you. I want to give you this and I want to give you this and and it makes you feel so good and you feel like you're in the best situation ever and that's just them getting you where they want you. Cuz once you give in to all of that and you're already hooked, you're like, I'm going to go above and beyond for this person. And now this person knows they have nothing else that they have to do for you. They have nothing else that they have to give you. Those are just some examples that I got. Okay. Okay. Now, I mean, I can understand that because I've seen that and I but I never was understood what it was and the things like that. I ain't going to lie and say it don't uh confuse me a little bit because it actually does. And it's just like, wow, what am I supposed to do next or do with this situation to make it even better than what it already was or wasn't, should I say? And Goddess, I see you with your hand up. Would you like to input on this? Yes. Um, I would say I mean I agree with everybody that said the warnings of red flags, but a few of the ones I was thinking about are like the secret secretiveness and um tries to make you feel bad about yourself, tries to take control, tries to isolate you um and uh tries to pretty much this I guess this also counts as tries to control you in a way like um uh I feel like all that comes to like narcissistic uh traits. Um but I those are like the few ones that I've thought about. also criticizing um the way you look, what you do, what you say, how you say it, like every single thing you do is like criticizing or even changes the words or how you say it or takes it in a way that's not um if you didn't mean it that way. Um I don't know if that makes sense. Um, but those are the few ones that I wrote down. But yeah. Okay, I got you. I got you. I understand. And then Ara, I see you with your hand up. Would you like to input also? I think Ank had his hand up first. I apologize. Go to and then I'll I'll jump in. No problem. So, I got a list of u the most popular um red flags that people uh tend to overlook or don't actually recognize. Those that list consists of the lack of accountability, inconsistencies in communications. Basically, this that's that hot and cold energy. One minute we good, next minute you you know what I'm saying? You're all over the place. Is is something wrong? Um, disrespecting boundaries is another one. Uh, pushing limits even after somebody has told you no or stated that this is not something that I enjoy doing. Uh, and then that individual continuously tries to push that that narrative on you even though I've already told you that look, I don't like this. And then, you know what I'm saying? So, you're disrespecting boundaries. You have uh the love bombing as God has uh spoke about and then ghosting. Don't leave that part out. Um, so it's I love you, I love you, I love you, and then it's silence, you know. Um, it's that manipulation. Uh, you have what me spoke about, which was the jealousy disguised as love. Oh, I'm so concerned about you. I just want to know what you're doing. In reality, you can't stand the fact that I'm I'm making these moves or whatever the case, and I'm doing it without including you into it. Um, that's another thing that that uh that's on the list, the gaslighting, the isolation, and then um not being emotionally available, you know. Um, I mean, oh man, I was in a in a relationship before and I think I told this story on a live once before, whereas it's like um we wake up in the morning, everything's great, you know, um individual goals to do her uh her work. I go sit down somewhere else. I'm, you know, engaged in making beats or doing whatever it is that I like to do. And then all of a sudden you come over and it's like I'm mad at you. I'm thinking you're joking because we were just good before you started working and now all of a sudden you're mad. So I'm like [ __ ] I don't care. Like yes you do if you say so. I really don't. But if you say so. He was like you don't even want to know what you done. So now I'm looking at it like you serious? You know and it's like I haven't done anything. I've been sitting right here you know what I'm saying? making this beat. So, whatever you think of uh whatever you think that it is that I've done uh and that you're mad about, just let me know when you get over it cuz I didn't do anything to make you mad and I'm not going to attempt to do anything to make you happy because I've done nothing. So that's that that's that manipulation, that gaslighting, um that level, that trying to take control over a situation so that that per person feels as if they have their uh the upper hand. And on that, I'll land I'll lay my plane there. Okay. Ara, you you had uh you wanted to say something after him. You said, yeah. Um so I read this book by Susan Forward. Um it was called emotional back emotional blackmail and she described it in a really good uh acronym called fog. So fog is your fear, O is your obligation and then G is your guilt. So basically they'll um they'll make you fear that you're going to lose them or there's consequences to losing them or you know if you set these boundaries and they um aren't allowed to cross them then they give you that fear if you leave me I'll I'll you know I'll do something to myself or I can't believe you're doing this to me after everything that I've done for you know um so it it just makes you feel anxious and Um it makes you feel like you you can't advocate for yourself. Um which is one thing I always tell my students, you have to off um advocate for yourself. No matter how young you are or how old you are, speaking up for yourself is going to um allow you to set strong boundaries. Um and even the the like obligation part. So you when you're obligated that means that you owe somebody something. I owe you whatever it is. I owe you money. I owe you peace. I owe you my loyalty. I owe you my commitment. That is your obligation. So if they say like um you're so ungrateful, you're you I do all these things for you. You're obligated to give me what I am asking for, says the narcissist. Those are also red flags. And then making you feel guilty, which we've me um mentioned before. um like you are now the bad guy in this whole this whole situation. Um there's nothing that you can can say to make this person think otherwise because they're going to continue to push that narrative on you and make you feel guilty and make you feel like the bad person. So now you're going to be like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. This is my fault because if I did this, then there wouldn't have been this consequence. I shouldn't have done this and then you wouldn't have reacted the way that you reacted. So, you just have to watch out for stuff like that and don't apologize for things that you know that you didn't do basically. Um yeah, I was going to say that um like Ank said about the relationship, I've been in um those relationships where everything was going real good. I thought everything was going real good. We never argued. Um, we saw each other a lot. We didn't live together, but we still saw each other a lot. Came up with um like future plans and stuff, but out of the blue, I was ghosted, like blocked. Um, not answering calls, not answering texts, not wanting me to come over. So then I started questioning myself, questioning myself like, what am I doing wrong? Um, and then like two months later, she pops up again, pops back up like nothing never happened, you know? So, I'm like, hold on, what's going on? But I was still, you know, cuz I was falling in love and I took her back and then it happened again. So, it's crazy. So, that's the thing was um like like what was talking about, saw the red flags but ignored them. So yes, I can tell you the act North, you know, younger and was in love. She was f I mean, she was really beautiful. Um, but you know, she had this ghosting thing like she would stop talking and go away for like maybe five or six months and come back and nothing ever happened. And then I was in another relationship where I saw the red flags from the beginning, from the jump, and I was like, well, she's fine. I can look over that. and I always had a crush on her, so I'm going to go ahead and, you know, try to get it and try to get with her and stuff. Then we got together and she kept kept kept showing the same red flags, more red flags. She would do something um and then act out, be a narcissist like um Ariel said, um manipulating, insecure, but I always look past it. But the you know I just Is that what you call things though? Yeah. Okay. You can say it. Yeah. I just like one one night I was like no I can't go through this no more. Yo I'm leaving cuz we like again we didn't we didn't live I didn't live with her. I just visit her and I had like a bag of clothes down there you So, I got my bag of clothes and I was like, "Well, you want to act like that, then you do the do everything on your own. You know, I'm not going to help you anymore and I'm not going to look out and trying to go out out of the way for you for somebody who's who's not doing the same for me." So, right. Yeah. And she still tried to hit me up and you know, I'm like, "No, we're not getting back together. I'm just going to go ahead and be single." That was like three years ago. So, I'm like, "Yep." I look past the red flags um and went with it. But you know the last the last time was the last time. So yeah, sometimes get fed up man. You know you know through life we all learn something. But sometimes there are some things we don't have to go through if we don't put oursel in those situations you know. Correct. So, but when you when you put yourself in a situation, either good things are going to happen or bad things are going to happen. So, just got to be careful with um who you going to who you going to, you know, want to spend your time with, who you want to give your time to, because um time is precious and can get that back a lot of times. I got you. Yeah, that's my thing. And so, I see you got your hand up. Yeah. So, I was just going to touch bases on uh what Meech was just talking about here when it comes down to uh the ghosting. One thing that as fellas, we we we typically overlook this particular red flag, right? Um cuz it's always something, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I'm busy. Or nobody's too busy that they can't pick up their phone and and text. It literally takes less than 10 seconds to send a a text. Hey, how you doing? you know, um, a person shows interest to the things that they are interested in. If someone has ghosted you, nine times out of 10, it's because they feel like they got you on lock right here, right where they want you at. So now I can go out here and test this grass on the other side to see if it's really greener. And you know what I'm saying? And so on once they start showing interest into some something or someone else, they push you on that back burner and expect you to stay locked in in where they are. Or they'll tell you something like, you know, hey, I just want to be friends. And that's cool, but what they really means is they want to be friends with you while you still stuck in this relationship mentality. They want you to be with them 100% while they play the field. So if it's cool, if you want to be friends, then let's be friends. Friends rules apply. You know, if you got friends, I got friends. You got new friends, I got new friends. It's okay. As long as the playing field is even, then you know what I'm saying? But at the same time, do not ignore that flag because that red flag is flagging like a mug. And you need to recognize it as what it is. And you know, whatever comes about from it, then you know what I'm saying? You got to make the best decision for you and or your relationship. Is it worth is it worth holding on to or do you feel like that red flag is so major that you got to let it go and move forward? And on that, I'll end my playing. Um, I'm in an amen with everyone. Um, when it comes to, uh, what everybody's saying about listening to yourself, I would say, um, if someone's constantly making you feel like your concerns or your feelings are inv uh, invalid, like making you feel like you're not enough, making you question everything. Um, my advice would be to just stop and listen to yourself, listen to your body. Um, a lot of times I think we we're just some, especially some of us who are like intuitive and um are empathetic and loving and um just want the best for everyone else, we don't really listen to ourselves. We don't listen to our body and we don't listen to that intuition that's telling us that something is off. that's something that is off. Nine times out of ten it's wrong. It's off for real. And so you have to listen to that. Um and really recognizing that that's not love. That's control. They are literally controlling you and making you feel guilty and making you feel like you're supposed to do whatever they need you to do. um like a person like I I'm just gonna say I had a person that was basically lovebombing me um and making me their everything. Their friend, their their companion, their doctor, their lawyer, their everything. Whatever they needed, I was that one person. And here I am thinking I have to fix them and I have to do everything that they need me to do and everything that they want me to do because they don't have anyone else. But they don't have anyone else because it was their choice. Their choice was literally I don't want a friend. I don't want to be with my family. I don't want to be connected to anybody but you. And now here I am feeling like oh it's my job to make sure he's good. It's my job to make sure he's secure and it's my job to make sure that um his mental is okay and I have to protect that at all cost which at the end only just depleted me of my own care and my own sanity. So definitely pay attention, listen to your body, listen to um what your self, what your inner self is telling you. Um so that way you are not controlled

and goddess. Okay. The one of the ones um that I was thinking about also is um those men or women um where in the beginning while you guys are in this talking stage um you guys are great, you guys are good. It's like amazing. You guys are on top of the world. And then as soon as you guys are in a relationship, it's like he has your emot or he or she has your emotions all over. Like you guys are really great uh sometimes or really bad sometimes. Um it's like never like level. Um it's always good or bad. Um I I mean I was thinking about that. I don't know if that's a red flag, but I've also heard like I know I guess that would go under consistency like not being consistent. Um kind of cuz like in the beginning I feel like usually everybody's like in and everybody's trying, you know, and then they end up not trying. Um, I don't know if that makes sense, but um I was um but yeah, go ahead. Um, whoever raised their hands, I can't see. No, you're I was just I'm in agreement with you. You are actually making a lot of sense. Um it's that it's um it's really like that hope, you know, and potential like what could be, you know, this this could be good or this could be the best, you know, because at the beginning that's what we're looking at. We're looking at like what we actually want. this is what our dream is to have this perfect partner, you know, and so unfortunately sometimes it just doesn't, you know, it doesn't end the way that it starts because it is that um what do they call it? The the honeymoon state, you know, where everybody's on board and everybody's doing everything perfect. Everybody's saying everything perfect. you waking up with flowers and petals and you know you're going out on the dates and you're hearing you're getting the text messages in the morning. Good morning honey, good morning beautiful and then at night you're talking again good evening. But once you're actually committed then it like it falls off. And people don't realize like when you're in a relationship it is continuous work. If you are not continuously working, it will not work. Doesn't matter how hard you try, it's just not going to work. Eventually, somebody's going to want to give in and, you know, and go somewhere else, you know, and not even be with this other person or treat this other person the same way, which will have one of the other person like questioning like, "What went wrong, dude? How can I fix this? Am I crazy? Like, am I losing my mind?" you know, it's like the gaslighting and you know, and one other one that I want to say real quick is also

talking bad about your exes, saying all your exes are crazy. I feel like that is such a huge red flag to me because you can't tell me all of them are crazy. Let's say you've dated five, six, seven people, but you can't sit here and tell me they're all crazy. Like I feel like that makes you look like maybe you should look in the mirror. Yeah. Like I don't know. I feel like I've dated men that have been like, "Yeah, all my exes are crazy." And that definitely stuck in my head for sure. Cuz I'm like, I don't know. Cuz not all of them can be crazy cuz I've had exes not because we broke up. It's not because it was a bad thing. It was like the um situations like, "Oh, we're in a different state. We can't see each other." Or, "Oh, we're I'm moving over here for work, so we won't be blah blah blah." Like, I've had different situations with my exes. It's not always been, "Oh, we broke up cuz it was really a bad thing." But I've heard a lot of men say all their exes have been crazy. And that is such a huge red flag to me. Okay. Now, I see you got I agree with that 100%. I don't know. Um I think it was on one of the uh the lives that we did for AIO once uh late night. I was literally saying the same thing. It's like if you have if everybody you ever dealt with everything is always somebody else's fault. That is that lack of accountability. At some point, you got to sit down and look at yourself and be like, "Okay, what are you doing?" You know what I'm saying? What am I doing that's so wrong? Why do I constantly have the exact same issues regardless of which relationship I'm in? You know, at some point, you got to look at self. If it's the exact same thing, the common denominator is you. You have to look at self, you know. Um, you ladies mentioned uh the honeymoon stage, you know, uh, and it's funny cuz it's like the second time I've heard that this week. And when I sit down and I really think about the honeymoon stage, right? I look at it like realistically, the honeymoon stage is one or two sta one or two phases. I mean, yeah, everything's great in the beginning or it's real bad in the beginning. You're doing one or two things and they both start with F. And if you're doing one, you're not doing the other. You know what I'm saying? So, it's like that's pretty much what a honeymoon phase is. When you when you sit down and you talk to anybody who's ever been married, that first two maybe three years, it's all about boundaries. What I'm willing to put up with and what I'm not willing to put up with, you know? Um, and you you start to learn each other. It's those growing pains. And again, you can't ignore any red flags because the more you ignore those red flags, the more you're sitting here cosigning to the pain that you're actually going to go through and the more that you're going to I mean, you you signed up for it. You know, um I look at different different phases, you know what I'm saying? You guys were talking about consistency, you know what I'm saying? So in the beginning, yeah, everything is great on both ends. The problem is that we often look out at what the other person is doing and we rarely look in to the things that we have stopped doing. uh or we have justified what we have stopped doing because this person acted or behaved in this manner or they didn't appreciate it in the in to the level or to the degree in which you felt like they should have appreciated whatever it was that they did for you. And you have to understand that you cannot look for yourself and someone else. You know what I'm saying? You can't love them the way that you want to be loved. you have to love that person the way that they receive love, you know. Um, but getting back to the the flags and things of that nature, it's like we often shut down long before we'll have a communication, a a a real conversation. And from my experience, uh, people like to stop at the surface level. They don't like to dig in and get to the roots of things. They um you know, for me, here's another red flags. Always and never. When somebody starts using those definitive words, always. You always doing this. You don't never do that. You know what I'm saying? Those are definitive words and they are so easy to defend. However, we don't want to hear what that person is saying. Cuz if you tell somebody they always doing something, that means they do it all the time, nonstop, right? When in reality, they might have only done it once or twice. It's not an always. It's like telling somebody you always late for work, and then they look at you and be like, I was just on time for the last two days and stayed late. How am I always late when I was just on time? Same goes for never. No one never does anything. I don't care. No one always does something. No one never does anything. Those are oxymorons. It's jumbo shrimp. It is the tallest [ __ ] You know, uh if if you tell somebody you never do this, and even if they done it once, you can't use the word never. They may you may most often do this or may not do this as often as I would like for you to see it but always and never those are in a sense those are gaslighting words you know and on that I will land my plane. Go ahead Ari.

I love that you mentioned always and never. It hits me to the core. my partner literally and I can say this always always said that and I'm like can we please define what that means because if I'm hearing this and I say always because it's every single day multiple times a day so for me that's always

literally and I I never met a person that did that before. So, for me, it was like this new this new thing that I'm not experienced with, this new behavior that I'm not used to. Um, which kind of lets me, it's the same subject, but it kind of makes me veer off a little bit to not just defining red flags, but why do people ignore them and why do people stay knowing that there are red flags? And when I go back and I look at situations that I've been in, um, there are a number of reasons that I can personally think of as far as why I stayed. I can't really say for everyone, but one of the things which we mentioned before was just that hope and that potential cuz they're leaving all of these small breadcrumbs of love. And so you're accepting that small the smallalness, you know, cuz for you it's like it's just enough to keep me holding on to this one person even though they're showing me all these bountiful red flags and they're so big and vast, but that love is just like, "Oh, but you'll you'll give me a hug or you'll you know, I see you every day." You know, that familiarity, you know. Um, I can also say it's it has to do with what we spoke about um yesterday, people pleasing. Um, I'm so bad or I've been I'm healed now, but but I've been so bad about people pleasing, like wanting to make sure that everybody is good and that um I'm very helpful and that I'm going to be the easy one. I'm going to be the quiet one. So, you can tolerate me because I'm going to give you peace. I'm gonna allow you to have whatever it is that you want. I'm that easy one to love, you know, or that easy one to uh to tolerate because I'm giving you everything that you want. And I just need just a little bit of care and just a little bit of love, you know. And um and the other thing is fear. Um that fear of being alone, fear of saying like I'm never going to find anybody else. You know, I'm I'm 37 now and I'm starting over and I feel like oh my god, the world is ending because I'm so old now and getting back out there. The dating pool is just not it. So, so then it makes me want to like veer back and I'm like, I know my ex really wants me back, so maybe I should take him back. Even though he's a huge red flag all because of that fear of being alone. Now, I'm not crazy. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. But I'm not going to say that I have not thought about it, you know. Um, but like I said, I'm healed, y'all. I am so glad. Right on. And so everything y'all have been saying has been so on point. And Goddess, I see you with your hand. Would you like to speak? Yes. Um I was going to say the fear and all that same as you. But also one of the ones is the reason I would say or I was married for a few years. Uh, and even though he was mentally and physically abusive to me, I kept staying. It got me to the point where I got suicidal and I still stayed. Um, it took me until I got pregnant um and found out that, you know, he's never going to change. But one of the reasons I kept staying is because of um judgment. like what is my family going to think or what is my friends going to think or uh what are the people are going to think I'm supposed to be you know I'm the pastor's kid I'm supposed to be this like that's always been in my head being also a pastor's kid is like oh my gosh like what are people going to think like I'm the only one of my siblings that is divorced a single mom and this and that um that has definitely definitely been my number one is judgment of other people. Um because I think it's crazy cuz I've been working that's one of the things I've been working on is not caring what people think. Um because you know they're not paying my bills. Um but for me I've always wanted acceptance and I've always wanted people to like me and be part of people if that makes sense. So for me it's always been like oh my gosh I same way like I want to make everybody happy. I want to make everybody like me. Like I want people to like me. I want people not to judge me. Um but yeah, that that's one of the main reasons I've always stayed, especially in my marriage because um yeah, and also having a kid and thinking about, oh my gosh, like would I really stay in a toxic relationship just so that we can both be here? And I've one of my really good friends um their parents just stayed for the kids and she's not happy. And it makes I mean it makes sense if you're really not happy then like and your kids notice that and that's a whole another you know thing. But yeah, I land my plane on that. Ara, you're coming up next. I see you're here with your hand up.

going into what um God has started mentioning about the family dynamics and how other people think about you. Oh my goodness, that was one of the main things for me too. Um one because the my I've been married twice. Um the first one I shouldn't have been married in the first place. I was only 20 years old when I got married and I was with that person for almost 10 years. And I did not let this person go even though they were abusive because of the whole, oh, you're not supposed to get divorced. You're not supposed to, you know, um, get with anybody else. You have to make your marriage work. And then I work so hard by myself to try to make this marriage work. And it a huge event happened that allowed me to walk away from that person. But I started building habits in my head. Now at this point, I'm normalizing dysfunction. I'm I'm literally like allowing everybody else to tell me that this dysfunctional situation that I'm in is way better than leaving, than starting over. you know, um we're drawn to the familiar, not the healthy. Um what's her name? Dr. Nicole, can't think of her name. Um says says that a lot. We are drawn to the familiar, not the healthy. And when especially when like you growing up um God is in and you're having like parents that are in the church or that are pastors, it's like you you even have a higher level, you know, of what other people are going to say about you and other people are going to think about you. And then that can like affect your mental as well. And it's like, wait, I mean, these people, you know, they're going to say these things, they're going to do these things, and there's like this level that you have to be at. And it's like, why do we have to keep putting ourselves on these pedestals that we didn't even build? We didn't build these pedestals. These other people did. They have, they're not even in our house. They're not even seeing what we're doing. But then you have other parents. Um, there's this movie um I mean I it's probably a whole bunch of his movies, but one of Tyler Perry movies he he was um I think it was um the one I don't know which movie it was but it was the one where they had the angels in the sky whatever and the wife was getting beat um by her husband and her mom was like just put some makeup on it and you know just cover it up And I'm just like, why would we do that? Why would we cover up our scars knowing that we're being attacked by the person that's supposed to be our husband or our wives, whatever. And we're just supposed to go with this and deal with this because of what everyone else thinks or what everyone else says. And I'll land my plane there. And so, I see you had your hand up. Would you like to speak? Yeah. Right.

Go ahead. No, I was talking right um is media's family reunion. Yeah. No, that was it. That was it. Media's family reunion. You're right. All right. You can go. All right. All the Tyler Perry movies is the same. Just change out the characters. The the plot is pretty much the same. I'm just saying. uh he takes you on an emotional roller coaster, you know, and but in his movies, you can see a lot of things that are actually prevalent uh in our own lives. You know what I'm saying? Especially in our culture, you know? So, if you pay attention to what you see, yeah, he takes you on that emotional roller coaster, but it's bringing awareness to the things that you actually need to look out for. Um, I heard you ladies say some things um that you know as far as what you were looking for in in your exes or you know what I'm saying your potential spouses or or mates. Uh, and what I'm hearing is that correct me if I'm wrong. I don't want to overstep boundaries or speaks on something that that I'm not qualified to do so, but it sounds to me as if you see something in a person that you think you can fix and then you attempt to fix that that item or that or he's great for all of these things except for this right here. I can change that. You know, and then it's like fixing them equals self-worth to you because you're able to help someone else propel to another level that that person may not have been looking to get to and or didn't recognize that they needed to be at. Right? You saw it, but they didn't. So, that's trying to me that's trying to fix someone. Um, the thing that I I look at and especially nowadays I'm paying even more closer attention to it is that as the saying goes, when somebody paints you a picture, don't let them paint you another picture, right? You're looking at potential. You're looking at all these things that you think this person can be or can become, but do that person really want to become those things, you know? So you kind of push an agenda or an objective towards someone. You set a goal for them that they have no desire of reaching themselves. They may not have a desire to reach themselves. And I know a lot of times you will end up driving yourself crazy trying to fix someone that don't want to be fixed. They see themselves as being perfectly fine the way that they are. I've been this way all my life. I don't see no reason to change it now. you know, whatever the statement may be. Um, but don't, again, correct me if I'm wrong, but please do not going forward, don't try to hinge yourself onto someone that you need to fix. Um, see them for who they are, for what they say. Pay attention to what they do more importantly than what they say. I I saw, like I said, there was a there was a young kid that was on I don't know if it was YouTube or if it was on TikTok or whatever the case, but he was coming around, you know, one of the guys in the background was like, "Hey, what's the word for the day?" And the young kid was like, "Men like what they see, women like what they hear. That's why men tell lies and women wear wear makeup." Damn. And you sit down and you really think about what they what what he just said was we are attracted to certain elements. Even though those elements may not be good to us or good for us, these are the things that attracted us to that person. And then again, you start to see potential. But if that person is not trying to get to the same level, if you're not having those same conversations, uh, which brings up another point that you have that I had as well. It's like sometimes you're in that chaos where you can accept things for where they are. You know what I'm saying? And other times you try to shrink yourself to fit in so that well maybe if I stop doing this this person will love me more or love me better. Nine times out of 10 they're not. You know what I'm saying? Um you just got to accept things for what they are how they are. And again do not ignore the red flags. Actions over words over looks and over everything else. actions first. What are my actions? If my actions are ne neg I can't get it out. But if they, you know what I'm saying? If I'm negligible with my words or with my actions, judge me on that. If my actions are pure, judge me on that. Not what you think I can be, not what you think you can make me uh make me look common to, but just based upon the things that I actually do and or say. And on that, I'll end my point. Um I wanted to um jump back on that the I wouldn't say that you're exactly wrong. Um but what I will say is it kind of goes back into that love bombing that come that happens at the beginning. So sometimes, especially those who are um empathetic or um what's the word? Like impaths, you know, you you feel the energy and you feel goodness from people. And so if they start to over compensate for those love bombings, doing all of the things, um a lot of times it might be easy to miss certain red flags. Um, I can speak on my experience um with my with my ex. Um, I think I I think when I was 20, my first husband, um, there were a lot of red flags there, but like I said, I was super young and naive. I had no experience with anything. I was a homeschool kid, so like I really didn't know anything for anything. So that whole situation I learned a lot from. Um there were things that I knew that I did on purpose that I shouldn't have done. Um you know in hindsight or whatever. I wish someone was like telling me not to do that situ to get in that marriage. But I digress. My second marriage I got into on my own. Like I I knew I wanted to be with this person. I knew I wanted to marry this person because of the things that they did at the beginning for like for a very long time. Every single day this person was contacting me, calling me um sending me things, random flowers or letters and handwritten notes and stuff. Um actually driving. We lived a hour 15ish minutes away from each other. I never had to drive to him ever. He always drove to me every single day. There was not one day this guy did not drive to me. So to go to work, work overnight and then come to me an hour, 15, 20 minutes away just to have to go back home and do the same thing over and over and over again. Like that was a huge deal. That was a big deal. So there were no actual signs that I saw of any, you know, red flags. It wasn't until I moved in and I um started to notice that like things were slowing down. He wasn't doing the same things. So, we had to have a conversation about it and we did and things started to go back up again. So, for our first So, we end up getting married. Our first 3 years uh of marriage was great. had no problems or anything like that. It wasn't until he stopped his job and started working at a new job that now I'm starting to see there's a lot of red flags here and this person is now I I'm face I'm faced with potential over reality cuz I'm like okay well I know when the first three years was perfect the first three years we had all these things so I'm just rewinding Every single time something happens, I'm like, "Well, the first three years. Well, the first three years. Well, the first three years." So, I'm making up all these excuses for his potential over the reality that he did not want to change. He was not going to change. He was not going to get help. His mental health was gone. His trauma was taken over. He wasn't doing all the stuff that he's supposed to do. Um, and then I'm also like, "Oh, well, he's ex-military and he went he was um in the war and you know, he had to like do things to people that he didn't, you know, want to actually do." Like some people sign up for the military, but they're always like, "Fingers crossed, I'm not going to actually have to do anything." And then it comes a point where like unfortunately sometimes people have to do things um that they didn't think that they were going to have to do. And so now he's got trauma. Now he's got anxiety and all these other mental issues. And I'm over here trying to fix this. Now it's my job to fix him and make him better and and fix his trauma and and make him and make him love me the same way that he used to love me. And now I've gone from the love bombing to the I'm in love to now I'm looking at I'm ignoring the red flags trying to look at his potential for the past 3 years. Now I'm gone to trying to fix him. And now at this point it's turning into codependency. And now I'm overly trying to fix everything. overly looking at rescuing this person when it's not even my job to do. Like, yeah, you're supposed to be there for your spouse and you're supposed to help your spouse, but you if you're abandoning your own needs because they're they are abandoning their um their like their mental health and they're not helping you help them, then you're both going to end up falling and you're going to be looking inward and now you're like, "Oh, it's my fault that this person is like that and I'll end my plane here. I have a question for everybody, but um I um I did want to share something uh off of you. Um when you said about, you know, uh in the beginning it was really good with your husband. Hey, me too. Uh it was amazing in the beginning. It was perfect. Um but I feel like all my relationship have been like that. It was like pretty good. Um and then as soon as like you know um but anyway so my marriage uh we did the whole like long distance for a while and he actually cheated on me while I was still living uh in Oregon and um I was like why did you cheat on me blah blah blah blah you know and he's like oh well I did that because you're not here and so I was like okay so let me move then if you know cuz I should have saw that as a red flag in the beginning but I was like okay let me move. So I moved my whole life to where he was and um it was good for a while um but um it was perfect or whatever and then it ended up being back to cheating, talking to other women. Um but I still stayed. I still stayed every single time, but I stayed because I thought he would change. I was like, "Oh, I can fix him." And I feel like a lot of people think that, like, oh, even though we see red flags or we see different things that you're like, hm, that's not right. I feel like, well, for me, I'm always like, okay, maybe I can help him change. And I feel like that's very trauma. It's very trauma based. I feel like um and also trauma bonding pretty much a little bit. Um because I'm like, "Okay, like I know how he feels cuz he's like manipulating me. I've gotten manipulated before." So I'm like, "Okay, let me stay because I understand how you feel." Um and I'm like, "Okay." And we're doing the whole circle again and again and again and again and again. And it ended up it took me years. it ended up making me pregnant to really leave the relationship, you know. But I feel like um the my question is do you guys think that if somebody tells you they love you, let's say within a week or two, do you think that's a red flag?

No, I don't believe so. I think it depends on the situation honestly. Um that can that can be a red flag if you like say for example you're together for a week but you're legitimately together for a week meaning like you see each other all day long. I don't know maybe you're stuck on a cruise boat you know then you're literally together for a whole week. you're getting to know each other on a mental note, maybe even physically, emotionally, spiritually, you probably could fall in love with that person in a week. But if you are with this person, maybe you only went on like two dates. I would probably say in that particular situation, that would be a red flag cuz you haven't even spent any time with me. How can you be in love with me? All right. I agree with you wholeheartedly in what you stated because some people wear their their heart on their sleeves. You know, uh they're they fall in love easily. You know what I'm saying? Again, it it comes back to how much time did you actually spend with that individual? You know, even if y'all long distance, okay? Were you on FaceTime all day, all night? You know what I'm saying? Type stuff. You know what I'm saying? How often are you actually getting to know this person and having those conversations? Are you having what I like to call the deep conversations where you pulling back layers and you're actually getting to know that person, you know, aso as opposed to it just being superficial. Hey, I like this. You like this. We like each other. Let's go together. You know what I'm saying? No. Are you having those deep conversations where y'all actually are connecting on a different level? Uh, again, people fall in love quickly. People also fall out of love quickly. You know what I'm saying? Again, you can't you can't ignore the red flags. But again, if it's something like they literally just met you and they telling you what they what they think you want to hear as opposed to showing you. That's why I said look at a person's actions, not necessarily what they tell you, but what they actually do. you know, um, if their words and their actions do not align, then you have to look at it as, you know what I'm saying, a fallacy. It's not true. They selling you a drink. However, if their words and their actions actually do align, then you should be able to take that person seriously. You know what I'm saying? As to what they're saying, take it at face value, but be cautious. You know what I'm saying? Because you are moving quickly if that person is already telling you this. There's layers to it and it's going to be different for everybody and each individual. You know what I'm saying? Just base that base it on how that person moves and on that I land my plane. Loki, you want to add anything? Nah, I mean y'all y'all hit everything that all the questions I asked, y'all answered it and y'all answered it beautifully. Thank y'all. All right, we are really just scratching the surface when it comes down to the red flags because there's also red flags in the workplace. There's red flags in friendships. Uh I don't know if you guys saw this video. I'm pretty sure you have. It's gone viral. Um the the birthday crash out where they uh two young ladies was in the car and the birthday girl got mad at the best friend because the best friend was dressed better than she was on her birthday. Did y'all not see that? Oh my. That that car conversation going home let you know that the birthday girl had deep down jealousy issues with her friend. She's telling the girl, "You should have dressed down. You should have wore like a dream dress and some uh what they call them some um heights or whatever type stuff. You know you got more body than me." I mean, if you heard these insecurities flying out of this woman's mouth, it was it was crazy. And at the end, she literally started crying. You know what I'm saying? Like, to me, that is also a red flag. You you got to look at who's jealous of what you have and what you do and how you're able to, you know, saying, get to the things that you're able to get to your bag or whatever it might be. You know, people will tell you that they love you. People, you know what I'm saying? So to me, love is not a noun. It's an action. You know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah, you can tell me you love me and turn around and steal from me. You can tell me that you love me and turn around and cheat on me. Is that really love? You know what I'm saying? That's not love. You I mean, you say it, but just cuz you say it doesn't necessarily mean you show it. And to me, it's all about more so what you show me than what you tell me. I look at people's actions because actions speaks louder than words all day, every day, twice on Sundays. Landing my message. All right. Anybody got anybody else have anything else they want to add to this segment?

Yeah. I think if we start talking about other types of relationship, we're going to be here for another two hours. That part. That part. That part. Absolutely. that I feel like this is a great great conversation. Um, it's beyond surface level and it it's one of those things people don't like to peel back those layers. You know what I'm saying? The second that you point out something that someone does consistently, they become defensive, which is also a red flag that you need to look out for as well. But at the same time, I feel like you need to be able to have that safe space where you have to create the safe space first and foremost that that person feels comfortable talking to you. And if you can find someone who can have a level head and have that conversation with you, the the hard part, you know what I'm saying? the honest truth. Regardless of how hard it is to say, if they can say those things to you and not be upset, not get irate, you know what I'm saying? Not curse at you, not degrade you in any way, shape, form, or fashion, but just have that honest conversation like, "Hey, look, this is what you did and this is what bothers me." You know what I'm saying? So that you can try to actually move forward and and fix the things that's, you know, I'm saying, "Okay, you're right. I did do that." as opposed to no well only reason why I did this is because you did that type stuff. I mean like I said we can continue this conversation. We'll pick it up on the podcast next week. But again, find someone who is honest enough with you to be able to tell you the truth about yourself and that can also look at themselves subjectively and say, you know what, you were right. I did do that. You know what I'm saying? and and they if they can own that, you know what I'm saying? And that person truly is genuine, you know, you go from there. Go ahead, Ari. I see you.

So, I wrote myself a note um actually not long ago. Um it was home homework from my therapist. It was a note to just a note to myself. Um, just because I know that I've forever been a people pleaser and I haven't really acknowledged or paid paid attention to u my red flags and or not my red flags but others red flags. I mean, that's my red flag right there is that I don't pay I don't pay attention to to the red flags. Um, but it just says, um, I am not a rehab center for broken people. I am not responsible for anyone's for anyone else's healing. I can love someone and still let them go. I deserve a partner, not a project. I am worthy of love that doesn't ask me to save or sacrifice myself.

All facts. You didn't break them. It's not your job to fix them. That was one of the things I actually wanted to say earlier. I actually wrote that down to say you didn't break them. It's not your job to fix it. It's not. And you know what I'm saying? Idealistically, a relationship, a good relationship should bring peace to both people. However, people are individuals. You have to grow into that. It's not something that's going to happen overnight. It's not going to happen with within a few months. You know what I'm saying? You have to understand that when you're coming from in a relationship form, people have been a certain way their entire life and then you come into the picture, hey, I don't like that. And if you can communicate that in a manner in which they can receive it, then there is room for growth. There's room for them to be able to adjust and and adapt to how you are. You know what I'm saying? It's just it rarely will you find a complete package where you find everything that you love in somebody right off the rip. That's why they call certain things growing pains. You learn to grow with each other. You set those boundaries. Again, going back to that honeymoon phase, you're either [ __ ] or you're fighting. That's what it is. You know what I'm saying? When it first come down to, excuse my language, but you in the beginning, you're doing one of those two. If you're doing one, you're not doing the other. You know what I'm saying? So, if you come to a point where you're fighting more, then you're actually making love or you're actually finding common ground. If you can't find something that y'all both love to do together, and that was my that's my main thing is like if you guys have something that you both enjoy doing, do more of it. You know what I'm saying? as opposed to trying to mold this person into what you want them to be and try to get them to do all the things that you want to do because hey, this is what I like, but that person may not like it. You know what I'm saying? Not saying that that those are red flags. People are stubborn. We all are. We have our We have our line that we just not going to cross. I don't care what you say. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I'm not doing that no more. Even though it's new to you, it's something that I might have done before in the past and I already know that I don't resonate with it. So, it's not going to be something that me personally that I'm going to continue to do. I would give you like, hey, look, that's not something that I want to do. Let's try to do something else. But, if you held me on doing this one particular thing, go ahead and do it. Have fun. Let me know when you come back. You know what I'm saying? That's just me personally. A lot of people are not like that. You know what I'm saying? like they would rather sit there and debate you about why they should or should not do you know what I'm saying whatever it is but you red flags all around you know what I'm saying cuz one you got one person who's not willing to compromise and then on the other side it brings me back to that age old question that I've asked once before if somebody tells you that this is who I am this is what I like and this is what I do not like upfront these person have have set these boundaries up front who's the [ __ ] the person who says that hey you should do this even though I know you don't like doing it or the person who stands their ground on their boundaries you know another topic for another podcast but we can come back to that go ahead Ari

um I just want to end on a note and just say this one thing that I think is really really important and that's if the price of love is losing yourself then baby that is too expensive. Let it go. That's all I got to say.

Roger that. That will wrap up this episode of Allin-One. We appreciate you guys for coming out. Tune in. We're on all streaming platforms. Make sure that you check us out. Till next time. Thank you. Good night.