Why "Hard Work" is Killing Your Progress | AIO UNC & Arya

Are you stuck in the cycle of over-delivering and under-living? UNC and Arya discuss the "Hard Worker Trap" and provide a roadmap for setting boundaries that actually stick. This episode is for the high-achiever who is ready to trade burnout for authenticity.

Key Moments in this Episode: – The Illusion of Failure – Relationship Red Flags: When Backwards is Better – The Global Cycle Breaker Blueprint

Join the Movement: 📺 Watch the Full Visual Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@AIOREALANDAUTHENTIC 👕 Shop the Cycle Breaker Collection: https://www.etsy.com/shop/AIOREALANDAUTHENTIC

#AIO #CycleBreaker #UNCandArya #RealAndAuthentic #RelationshipHealing #Worldwide

Real Ones: Have you ever had to move backward to eventually jump forward? Drop a comment on our latest YouTube video and let Arya and UNC know your story." Link to Video: https://www.youtube.com/@AIOREALANDAUTHENTIC

Transcript

Introduction and Setting the Scene

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome back to All in One, ladies and gentlemen. This is the podcast where we keep it real, we keep it authentic. You know, life be life sometimes, right? Let's just call it what it is. Life be lyfing, man. So sometimes you ever find yourself in those situations where you feel like you took that one step forward just to take two steps backwards. How did you overcome with that? What was on your mind during the time frame that you were going through those things? And if you had to tell somebody how to get through something that they were going through, how would you do it? You know? We're gonna talk about it today. So I hope you guys enjoy the uh episode. So let's jump right in. All right, you want to take the lead on it? You want to take the lead

Speaker 4 0:41

on this?

Career and Relationship Challenges

Navigating Work Conflicts

Speaker 2 0:41

Okay. I have so many to talk about right now. It's so crazy because my life has really like kind of flipped upside down with so many things I have going on right now. Like I feel like I'm starting to really like align where I actually want to be. And, you know, like I just finished school with my second degree, well technically third degree, and I'm just like, okay, now things are getting ready to start, you know, coming up. I'm getting ready to start doing the things that I want to do. And then like my relationship kind of like plummeted, obviously. Um I've been in just this whole like rocky like dating scene where everybody's like kind of like on that shit, obviously. I don't even know another word for it. The dating scene is like really ghetto right now, you know, so you have to kind of like wean out a lot of people. Um, you know, because at least I will say with that scenario, it's easier to wean out people now than it was back then. Because it's like as you get older, you get into the what is it, the I don't give a fuck. Right. It's kind of like what you call it because because you're like, oh no, absolutely not. What we're not gonna do. And I don't even care at this point. I'm just not gonna waste any more time in you. I'm not gonna waste any more time dealing with shenanigans and your dramas and your whatever problems, whatever. So it's kind of like a little bit easier, but it's still harder because you still have to go through so many no's before you at least say, Okay, you know what? I'm gonna give this one a shot. So I'm in the up on that, have a great relationship going there. But it took me a minute to get to that point where I was just like, okay, yeah, I'm satisfied with this person. And uh so then it's like, okay, you go up this mountain now, you like, okay, now things are looking good. But then life, like you said, be life. And I've liked to hit you. And I've gotten like no opportunities that I've wanted to use for my career. And I'm like, this makes no sense. Before, when I was looking, like while I was in school, I'm like, I can look at this, I'm gonna check this out, you know. And I'm like, let me go ahead and send them a letter or send them email, you know, and I'm like, okay, maybe it's because I didn't have my diploma. I don't know, maybe that's it. But I did make a note that I've already graduated. I did tell them what school I already graduated from. And I'm still getting those. This does not make sense to me. So that gets stressful. But then you're like, okay, grateful you have a job anyway. But I'm at this job and I'm like, I'm checking out because I'm a middle school educator and they don't want to be educated. I can't win. It's like everything seems like every single time I try to push forward, and I'm like, okay, this is gonna go for me, and this is gonna go for me. And then it doesn't. And they're like, you know, they're like, oh, okay, well, let's do this etiquette class. Oh, the kids need to learn etiquette, and you be great to teach that, and let's do this, and I think uh we can make this happen, you know. I create a whole outline of everything that I think can go in it, and it's going well. It's like, yeah, that's good. Even though it took them forever to approve it, they're like, Yeah, let's go ahead and do this. And then I make rules, and then they're like, Well, we don't like that rule.

Speaker 4 4:32

Like, nope. Try again.

Speaker 2 4:34

I'm like, wait a minute. First of all, I made this rule to like, so they have to pay a dollar to dress down on Fridays. If they don't want to dress down on Fridays, they have to wear a uniform. Like, let's say for etiquette class on Fridays, their uniform is to dress business casual. That's the uniform. So they don't have to pay a dollar for that. So the kids know this. I tell them, you come to school, you dress down, obviously you have to pay a dollar. If you come to school and you dressed in uniform, i.e. business casual, you don't have to pay a dollar. The kids come in, some of them are dressed business casual. They don't bring a dollar. Good. You get a ticket, you don't have to pay the dollar. Some of the kids didn't dress down. They're wearing like baggy jeans, like huge shirts, they're wearing sweats, whatever. They pay a dollar. No. The director is like calling me, Miss R, this isn't what we discussed. Why do we have any kids paying a dollar if they're if they're coming to school for etiquette class and they should be paying a dollar? And I'm like, first of all, if they are not in uniform, i.e. they're wearing sweats, that's not the uniform. The uniform is business casual. So yes, they should pay a dollar. Well, what's the point of making tickets for all of them if they're not gonna pay? I said, we have tickets for everyone, but if they are not in uniform, they pay a dollar. That's what was discussed. I told all the kids this. All of the teachers even know this. And she's like, oh, well, that's just too much. Now the teachers have to figure out if the kids are actually dressed appropriately or not. And I'm like, it's not hard to know if somebody is dressed in business casual.

Speaker 4 6:19

I disagree because you know we got a lot of teachers on uh social media nowadays who are going viral for their choice of uh wardrobe that should be business casual.

Speaker 2 6:31

Yeah, and these are like young bucks too. I've seen them. These are the newbies, the the new 22-year-old teachers that are dressing like this. That's on them. We, on the other hand, the ones that's going like 40 crews, like, yeah, absolutely not. Everyone knew what it was. Even the kids understood. Only the kids that knew they were not dressed down brought a dollar. So it's like, why is this even discussion? Why are you getting on me about this? So then we ended up like, well, we're gonna have a quick meeting with middle school after school. Oh, because of this. No, everyone gets a dollar. Everyone's gonna dress down. If you want, you can just take points off of their grade. Because, like, I made rules for a reason. I'm making the rules for a reason. I'm like getting pushback every single time. Like something forward and they're pulling me back.

Speaker 4 7:26

Is the school rule the dollar for the Friday? You see, okay, continue.

Speaker 2 7:32

So I'm like, if the school is saying you have to pay a dollar for being out of uniform, and you're telling me that the kids that are taking the etiquette class don't have to be, don't have to pay a dollar if they're dressed appropriately, then what's the difference? I don't understand the difference. Like, why are you giving me pushback on this?

Speaker 4 7:51

Because it sounds as if you are taking money away from the school. If the school gets, I mean, it's a business at this point. Let's just call it what it is. If the school is getting one dollar per head on Friday for every student that decides to dress down, I get what you're saying. It's it's the same because if they wore a uniform, they're not gonna get the money at the school is not gonna get the money anyway.

Speaker 2 8:16

It's just there's no they're wanting me to still give them the free pass to not pay a dollar. That's what they're wanting. They're saying across the board, no matter what they are wearing, they get the free pass to not pay a dollar. And I said, that's not fair. They should have to pay a dollar. If they're not dressed up appropriately, they need to pay a dollar.

Speaker 4 8:37

Agree.

Speaker 2 8:37

So I'm not taking any money from the school. In fact, I'm actually helping them out by saying, okay, kids that are dressed out of clothes that they're not supposed to be dressed in, they need to pay a dollar. Yeah. But they're like, no, don't make them pay a dollar. We don't need them to pay a dollar. They got a ticket. No, they need to pay a dollar because they're dressed as sweats.

Speaker 4 8:58

The biggest situation in that to me is the break in communication. Uh, the reason that the faculty, the staff itself cannot seem to agree on what was discussed. You know. Military, the way we used to approach this, these type of situations is is if anyone is unclear all the way down to the the lowest level, then that is a break in communication, first and foremost. So that means that the instructions were not completely clear. So maybe we need to revamp the instructions as to, you know, make sure that they are understood. I I get it that sometimes kids understand things that two people did not understand the rule. Right.

Speaker 2 9:42

Two people.

Speaker 4 9:43

And those two people happen to be the people that's in charge.

Speaker 2 9:46

So that's what it is. That's all that it is. I was glad that you said I was glad that you said the keyword there, in charge. Because it was their way or the highway.

Speaker 3 9:55

Exactly.

Speaker 2 9:56

It was literally like, well, we don't like that rule. We think everybody should get a dollar because this is for ediquet. And because the parents are not confused, the kids are not confused, the teachers are not confused. But you two people downstairs that collect the money are confused. So because you two are confused, then we're supposed to just abide by it. So now the kids know that they get a pass no matter what.

Speaker 4 10:22

And don't have to pay for it.

Speaker 2 10:23

And don't have to pay for it.

Speaker 4 10:25

It's okay. Let them run. Let them run. It'll be maybe two weeks. It'll probably happen after the first week that they realize, hey, wait, we didn't get as much money as we normally get. And then, well, why is that? Well, it's because you're not charging people and now nobody's paying because everybody gets a pass. You know, foresight is not always common to people. Let's just do it that way. Some people can't see past their nose.

Speaker 1 10:49

Yeah.

Speaker 4 10:50

That's a fact. You know? So again, it's about how do you handle the adversity of the conflict there, you know, saying conflict resolution is where we're going with this one. You know, because it's not with the students, it's not with the parents. It's with the faculty, it's with staff, it's with the people that are in charge. You know, there was a uh I used to write this on my whiteboard way back in the way. It was like I found that uh the I and team. You know what I'm talking about? Exactly. It's right there in the A-hole. You know what I'm saying? And unfortunately, the people that's um Yeah, they're they're in charge. I and team is normally in the A-ho. So I used to write that on my whiteboard all the time. You know what I'm saying? It it's it's basically to say that when you have that one individual who works as an individual, it destroys everything else that the team is trying to do.

Speaker 11:47

Right.

Speaker 4 11:48

You know, you can go to any sport and pull out any great athlete that was on that level, and it was I, I, I, me, me, me, you know. So try to figure out a way to work cohesively with them if you can.

Speaker 2 12:02

Well, they've made made their stand on that. Don't like it, but it is what it is.

Speaker 4 12:07

So Do you have to continue to teach the course even though it was never on the curriculum to begin with?

Speaker 2 12:14

Well, now it is. They just took forever to approve it. So we started in January.

Speaker 4 12:20

Officially.

Speaker 2 12:21

Yeah, we started in January. But um, they also approved it in January. And that was a thing too, because everything was so last minute with what was going on. I was just like, oh my God, are you gonna approve this? I gave it to you in November, and the first day was like that first Friday of January, and I was like, okay, are we doing this or what? So yeah, they approved it uh the same day, actually.

Speaking Up and Self-Advocacy

Speaker 4 12:42

Right. I was about to say, because normally that's a very turn uh quick turnaround, especially in any business. Talking about you handed it in in November, and by January it was already being implemented. That's unusual because normally in the planning process is gonna go through a few levels of testing, you know, saying approvals, uh, before it actually gets to where it needs to be. So um do what you can with it. Because I can understand that that brings on additional stresses, you know, and that also brings on up another question is like when you are at work and you have folks that love to give you more work, things that normally it should be on their plate, but somehow it ends up on your plate. So how do you how do you handle that? You know what I'm saying? Like when you're in those type of situations, hey, can you take care of this for me? Mm-hmm type situations, you know what I'm saying? Because that's part of that taking that step backwards, if you ask me, you know, because you're actually taking on more things that you're one is not on you, not on your curriculum. It's not something that's that you have to sit here and you know what I'm saying, and actually do. You're helping someone, and sometimes we feel great to help.

Speaker 13:57

And I'm I'm not getting paid extra either.

Speaker 4 14:00

And you got right rules?

Speaker 14:02

I'm not even getting paid.

Speaker 4 14:03

Not getting paid extra. More rules and more work. You know what? We had a saying about that as well. You know what the reward for a hard worker is?

Speaker 14:14

More work.

Speaker 4 14:15

More work, exactly. Exactly. So here you go. It it doesn't seem fair at all.

Speaker 14:23

Right.

Speaker 4 14:25

So that comes back to full circle to something that we had talked about before. And that was saying about your self-worth and where the draw lines and draw boundaries. So what do you do in a situation where again someone is giving you this extra work? If you can say something, if you're able to say something, do you say anything or do you just kind of roll with the punches?

Speaker 2 14:49

I think it's important to actually speak up on certain things, especially where you can, like even asking for help, which I've done. You know, I've been like, okay. Now, as far as getting any results, that's a whole different, you know, whole different ballgame. But at least putting it out there, like, okay, this is what's going on, this is where I am, this is what I need, you know, and trying to like really push that. Um, because I that's one thing I do with my kids all the time. I'm always like, you have to advocate for yourself because nobody else is gonna really do it for you. I mean, you might have somebody here and there, whatever, but truly, like, you have to advocate for yourself. Like, I I sometimes will have like kids come to me and they'll be like, oh, so-and-so is asking for this, or so-and-so wants to know if they can do this. And I'm just like, well, so-and-so needs to get their happy behind up and talk to me about it because I'm not getting ready to hear from you, you know. And it's like, speak up for yourself because if you keep relying on other people to speak up on your behalf, there's a few things that can happen there. One, they become your leader, basically. You know, they tell you what's what. They don't, you don't even know if they're asking the correct thing on your behalf. You have no idea. You they may be asking for multiple things just on your behalf.

Speaker 3 16:16

Right.

Speaker 2 16:17

Right. Some things that you had no parts in. You might have asked, can I have one pencil? And next thing you know, they're like, so-and-so asked for a pencil, paper, eraser, some scissors, or whatever.

Speaker 4 16:30

And all the prize at the bottom of the bag that you can give me.

Speaker 2 16:33

You're like, I didn't ask for all of that. So I was like, you have to know how to like talk and speak up for yourself, you know. And again, that doesn't always necessarily mean it's gonna work as fast as you want it, or that it's gonna even work at all. But at least putting yourself out there to try to make something happen for yourself is important, I think, in my opinion.

Speaker 4 17:00

Most definitely, I agree. I like how you said not allowing other people to speak on your behalf. I can't stress enough how important that is. Because me personally, if you didn't hear it out of my mouth, I I didn't say it. You know what I'm saying? If you didn't catch it on the video, you didn't hear it directly from me. Don't come at me saying somebody told me you said, nah, because if you didn't hear me say it, trust me, I say what I want to say in front of people. That's just me. Um I've been that way all my life, actually. Ever since I was young, and one of the main things I used to hear as a kid was, your mouth is gonna get you in a lot of trouble. Now look at me now. In a lot of trouble, you feel me? But the thing about it is it's like you have to learn how to deliver messages. Again, opening that throat shocker and not let allowing people to sit here and speak for you, but actually speaking up for yourself and finding your own voice is important. A lot of times we we we carry, how do you say it? We just carry things that we've picked up along the way. As life is life in for us, we we learn to adapt. So we'll do certain things a certain way, and we learn that people behave a certain way if I do this or if I just don't say much of anything. So that's not always good though. You know, having healthy boundaries and being able to speak up for yourself. Uh in this scenario, we're talking about a work environment. So you do have to pick and choose your battles wisely.

Speaker 18:28

Obviously.

Speaker 4 18:28

You know, um, you just can't pop off at employer or you know saying even other people on your staff because you know, HR gets involved and it's a whole different ball game, you know. But definitely keep stating and putting in writing that I need resources. Because as long as it's in writing, you cannot deny or that the amount of times that those requests were put up. You know, so if something does not go according to plan, you at least have some type of documentation that you can fall back on to say, hey, look, I reached out several times, actually.

Speaker 1 19:09

Right.

Speaker 4 19:10

You know, that's just CYA. Especially when you're doing something that look, I'm just gonna come out and say it. Because especially if you're not getting paid extra for it, I understand that it is nothing more than a burden at this particular point in time. It may have been something that that you started out, I want to do and I'm passionate about, but then when that level of control was placed upon it, speaking for myself, when a level of control is placed upon something that I actually enjoyed doing initially, I know I no longer even want to do this anymore. You know, I I've lost any and all desire to do it whatsoever. You know, and again, I don't I can't say that most people would will say the thing same thing, but in in a certain scenario, I feel like, you know, it may hold true.

Feeling Stuck and Moving Backwards

Speaker 2 19:59

Mm-hmm. That's exactly, I mean, that's basically exactly what happened. And that's why I feel like, you know, I'm going two steps backwards is because I'm like, okay, well, this was something that should have been like simple and something that was supposed to be easy flowing and not make, yeah, it was gonna give me a little extra work, but it wasn't gonna make my job a lot harder. But now that you're starting to put all these different, you know, stipulations and stuff on it, now I feel like I'm going backwards. Because now on top of what you're asking, like I'm not getting the assistance that I need that initially thought I thought I was going to get. Like you're you're adding rules, you're not being responsive, you'll you're, you know, not the emails that I'm sending, you're not even responding to the emails, the meetings that I want, you're not responding to the meetings, like different things that I need is not happening. Like, we're supposed to be having two dinners. One, they're supposed to go to an actual restaurant and experience what fine dining looks like. So my homework was reach out to restaurants to see if they can accommodate us or if we need to do two different outings because of the number of students that we have. Maybe we can just do, you know, two different events for the kids or whatever. And uh also just to add, you know, a lot of places that do find dining, they're not even open, you know, that early. So you have to do a lot of homework to find out where in the world we can go for lunch to have fine dining experience. And uh, I'm doing my due diligence, I'm locating, you know, different restaurants. I'm talking to management, their events coordinators, and I'm emailing back and forth, and I find a few that I think would be good for us in a decent price range. As well, because that's important too. And I send it out and I'm telling you, like, hey, okay, we can put these on here, but they have to schedule in advance too. Like, restaurants need to know, okay, oh, if you're doing this in April, okay, well, we need to know, like, when let's get this done. Here's the contract. This is what it'll be. These are the items that you can choose for from the menu. You know, you do all this. I'm like, okay, great, perfect. I have this from multiple restaurants that I believe are not that far. Uh, we can put all the kids on the school bus and we can drive to, it's not, you know, more than 40 minutes either way. So send that out. I've sent that out. I'm getting emails back from the restaurant, one, uh, two restaurants canceled, and then we're like, I'm sorry, we can no longer hold this spot for you, you know, because you know, you can thank you so much for your interest. You can contact the contact contact us again if you're further interested or whatever, blah, blah, blah. So they're like, oh, well, these people are not doing this. They are not serious. And then it's like also my name is on the line too, because they see my name. They don't see your name. They have my information, they have my emails and you know, and all this stuff like that. They're in contact with me directly. I'm forwarding you the information. I'm showing you the menu, I'm showing you the where it's at, how it looks, and all these different things, and how they would have it set up for us. And you can't even respond to me and let me know like what's going on. Like, and then on the other event is we're having an event at the school. We're gonna decorate the whole school. And I've already talked to a few teachers that'll help me decorate and have a fine dining experience at the school. But this time I want the kids to do it with um a close family, like uh their father, mother, grandmother, grandfather, whatever, or something like that. They're gonna have a fine dining fine dining experience with them. And then um they will basically serve like their parent or their guardian that's gonna be there. And just showing them different things that they learned, like where pla like place platement, placements, cups, and things of that nature, how to properly sit, helping their grandparent, grandma, like if it's a boy, you know, opening up the chair or pulling the chair out and helping their mom sit down or their grandmother sit down, or like there's different things for each student that they're gonna be responsible for, versus, of course, sex roles or gender roles. And so I'm trying to get that out. I've already had the kids make reservations or invitations to who they want to give it to. I just need to print it out, but I can't print it out because I don't know if the final date is approved. I'm still waiting on their approval. And I'm like, parents work, guardians work, they need to know ahead of time if they're gonna be taking off work for this event. I have the kids already made their invitations. I just need to send it, print it out so that way they can actually hand it out. Because I want it to be, you know, really nice. So I wanted them to print it out and um so that way they can give it to their parents. I can't do that because they haven't approved the final date. This like, again, you're making my job a lot harder than what it should be.

Speaker 4 25:15

See, all the more reason why I was saying that that planning process takes a long time because these type of events, and I'm sorry, this is my project management coming out right now, right? These type of events should have been placed on a schedule, and they should have been pre-approved and those places already locked in, or hey, we're just gonna do it in the cafeteria and we'll bring in, we'll go or grab, you know, saying the white tablecloths, et cetera, et cetera, whatever the case, circle tables or whatever.

Speaker 1 25:46

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4 25:47

All of that could have been pre-planned and already thought of, okay, this has to be done by this date. That's just project management one-o-one, you know.

Speaker 2 25:55

Which they have had since November.

Speaker 4 25:58

Understood. However, the people in charge are busy, right?

Speaker 1 26:05

Yeah.

Speaker 4 26:05

So they have to find time to go over these new curriculums, which obviously wasn't properly vetted. But at the same time, it's just it sounds like it sounds like it sounded like a great idea, and we're shooting from the hip. And, you know, in order to to place it in the curriculum again, this is just me. I think that it should have gone through a plan a pre-planning slash planning slash tabletop.

Speaker 2 26:32

I agree. I agree. When the when the idea first came up, it, you know, I felt like, okay, let's immediately talk about this. Like, but this was before the holidays. And I was just like, let's, you know, we can schedule a meeting, you know, whenever it doesn't matter, after work, whatever. And um nothing. Absolutely nothing. And they were like, Oh, I kept I forgot. It you know, more and more emails kept coming in, and you know, we ha we your email ends up getting pushed down to the bottom and more emails was coming up to the top. I'm like, okay, well, you know, when I check my email, you know what I do? I go from the bottom up. What are you doing? Right. Because if you're giving priority to the emails that's at the top, the people at the bottom are always gonna be lost.

Speaker 4 27:17

Right.

Speaker 2 27:17

It just doesn't make sense.

Speaker 4 27:19

Sounds like you just don't want to do your job.

Speaker 2 27:21

That part.

Speaker 4 27:22

Did I say that out loud? Somebody had to say it.

Relationship Insecurities and Social Media

Speaker 2 27:26

Somebody had to say it. So I just feel like there's just so many things that I've just personally just like bumped into, you know, and I'm just like not I don't know. I just keep feeling like this this thing where I'm like popping backwards or going backwards. Like, you know, even like my my workout w regimen, like I was like bam, bam, bam, all day in the gym regularly. I'm pushing myself and I've built myself to look exactly like what I wanted to, like physically, you know, as far as like working out and getting my, you know, muscle fat ratio and you know, the weight that I wanted to be at and all these different things. And like now it's like extremely hard to get in the gym. Like, I mean, I'm I thankfully I just like, you know what? I'm just gonna go to my mom's and grab some of my equipment because it's hard to get in the gym. So I'm like, okay, well, if I go pick up my tramp meal and pick up my my bike, my stationary bike, and at least I can do some movements. Cause at first I was like, I'm not doing any movement. So I don't feel like so I feel like in that scenario, I guess I'm not going two steps backwards, but I am going at least one. At least one because I'm used to every day I wake up 3 30. I wake up, get ready, go to the gym, at the gym by four o'clock, leave the gym by 5 20 the latest, come home or 5 30 the latest, come home, get ready for work, go to work, and then I come home after work. Go to bed at 8, and then I start all over again. And that was just like my thing, like regularly, like light work. But now I've just got like I'm grading all day. Literally, I'm grading all day. I go to work and I'm with these kids all day. I'm teaching, I'm trying to do my lesson plans, and now now I have another lesson plan. My light just fell. Now I have another lesson plan I need to add. And then on top of that, I'm getting pushed back by management and directors and the principal, and then I have another issue. And then it's like all these things are starting to pile on. And I just got wrote and written up today. So now I'm like pissed off about that. You know, I'm like, dang, I ain't never been written up before. I got written up because I can't control my class. And I keep getting dinged on my like evaluation scores on classroom management. And you know what? It's all because of one class. I'm like, I can't win with you people. I can't win at all. I need to get I need to get back on my my grind and having fun and like thinking about that stuff and thinking about the positive stuff. But as soon as I do that, something else hits me. I don't know what it is, but something else always hits me. So I mean, I think about even like my relationship. I'm like you I go into this whole like um, like I feel like everything's good and great and and then like I have these these like in the back of my head insecurities that pop up and makes me feel like I'm regression. And it's like, no, it's not your fault, you're not doing anything. But in my head, like, oh well, maybe I'm doing something. Like, well, don't do that, that's gonna mess that up, or don't say that, that's gonna mess that up. Because I know in my last relationship, this is what happened, and you know, and it's like I had a conversation with my brother about that too, because his girlfriend, I guess this is this is another reason why I don't do social media like that. I try to grow back into social media, but he got a like from somebody. This girl was like, he looked good. And he said, Thank you with a purple heart.

Speaker 3 31:28

Okay.

Speaker 2 31:29

Well, his girlfriend didn't like that, apparently. She's like going off on him. Apparently, they had like this big argument, whatever. I don't know. He was like, I understand what I did wrong. He's messaging me about it. And I was like, Mmm, it sounds like an insecurity thing. Because in my eyes, although he's my brother, I still think he didn't do anything wrong because he said, Thank you with a purple heart. Like, we're supposed to mean that that means, oh my God, I think you're really hot. I'm really into you. I want to bang you, girl, for saying that you think that I'm hot or whatever. Like, why is your brain even going there?

Speaker 4 32:12

You should have just heard of it and kept moving.

Speaker 2 32:15

She still would have been mad. She still would have been mad. It makes no difference. It makes no difference. She still would have been mad. I feel like there's an insecurity thing. And I feel like, you know, sometimes we have to like, when we get into new relationships, you know, and sometimes we feel like we've done everything to like make sure that we are, you know, completely ready for a new relationship. And sometimes it just doesn't quite work out that way because you have old habits or old insecurities or feelings or whatever that starts to pop out, you know, old attachments or whatever feelings or old traumas, even, you know, that you had. You're like, oh, I regressed this, I I processed this, I, you know, I had therapy for this, I I managed this, you know, whatever issue that I had before getting into the new relationship. But that one thing happens and it triggers that old feeling. And it's like, okay, this can be the one thing that you do or say to like mess up an actual good relationship that you have. Like all this stuff is happening in the relationship that's beneficial and good and positive, but then you gotta do something or say something and mess that up. I don't know.

Speaker 4 33:39

Okay. You said a lot. I took notes. Because that's what I do, right? All right. Where you want to start?

Speaker 2 33:46

Let's trauma popping up. Your insecurities popping up.

Speaker 4 33:49

You know what? Let's do that. Let's do that. So, trauma. When you when you started talking about, you know what I'm saying, feeling like you've regressed, the first thing that I wrote down was, we are our own worst enemies.

Speaker 2 34:04

Yes. Uh that I know.

Speaker 4 34:07

Because we see things for however we've painted this portrait in our minds. And when things do not go according to the diagram that we have, it's automatically wrong. It's automatically not perfect. And because it's not perfect in the image that you had in your head, you start looking for flaws. You start looking for what else could go wrong, as opposed to just living in the moment, especially when it comes with the relationship. Not necessarily messing things up because you may say certain things, but if that's how you feel, you have to say that. It's not what you say so much as to how you say what it is that you how you deliver that message. You know, because it can be something that's an insecurity for you that you really want to speak on. And for whatever reasons, you'll start to react if you don't say it. So by that, what I mean is, well, you stay in your phone all the time. I wonder what you're doing in your phone. Clearly, you don't want to go through this person's phone because you know that if you go looking for it, you're gonna find it. But why are you always on your phone? That curiosity just peaked. So now you start to behave in a manner that you don't even realize that you're doing.

Speaker 35:26

Right.

Speaker 4 35:26

When it's very it's easier to just say it, hey, look, this is an insecurity for me. I want to talk to you about it so maybe we can find our common ground as opposed to me just reacting. And that person might actually come to you with something completely different than what you were actually thinking was going to happen. All you have to do is open your mouth and speak about it. Like I said before, it's about opening that throat chakra, right? If you do feel whatever it might be that you are doing, because as you stated, it's like I'm about to mess, you know what I'm saying? Like you're thinking about doing something that could mess up a good thing. Talk about it. You'll be amazed at how far, especially if you and your partner are in a good relationship, you know, you guys are in a good space. Especially early on, it is best to talk to them about what those insecurities are while that person is still trying to understand you.

Speaker 1 36:27

Right.

Speaker 4 36:29

As opposed to you've built up this wall and you keep reacting. So now I don't even want to talk to you about whatever it is that's going on because every time we get ready to, or every time something comes up, we get this reaction and not the words. So if you put the words before the the action, then I think that it'll it will be a smoother process, and it might be a whole lot easier than you thought. Um, just by saying something about it, like, hey, look, this is how this makes me feel. And it's just that simple. You know what I'm saying? It's not, hey, every time you you know tone. Tone makes a big difference. Just, hey, look, I feel this way about therapy session type shit. You know what I'm saying? Just have that type of conversation, that tone. And that's that situation may go a lot smoother than what you may think.

Speaker 2 37:23

Right. Yeah. No, I think that um that that makes sense. Oh, that's uh that's one of the things I've kind of been like me personally working on is actually like opening up more about like why I feel the way that I feel too. I'm actually reading this book with him called Simbis, which honestly I think could be a really good episode. So we're gonna have to hold off on Simbis. Um it's it's a book. It's called Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, is what that means. And um it's got some really good questions in there and it makes you think about certain things, which is I think really cool because like you'll start having questions about certain things or the way that you see things more than others. Like, for example, the just setting expectations, you know, like this is how I like certain things, or this is how I move in certain ways, or how I am in certain, you know, places that I go to, you know, this is how I feel when I do these things. This is what time I like to be in certain places, you know, like setting the expectations is just like so important because there's a lot of unspoken rules that I didn't I didn't realize it until like reading it or whatever. Um, they gave some examples, but people have their unspoken rules about a lot of different things. And if you're not actually vocalizing those rules, then how are they supposed to know what you're even thinking or what you're talking about or what's going on?

Speaker 1 38:55

What you may think to be com well, that's just common sense. What's common sense to you may not be coming to the common sense of the same thing. It's not common sense to everybody.

Speaker 2 39:04

Common sense ain't always common.

Speaker 1 39:05

At all. At all. Yeah. So just because we think a certain way, we think that other people think that exact same way, and we don't. We are not all identical. We are not, we do not, despite the fact that we learn the same things and go to some of the same schools, et cetera, et cetera, does not mean we retain the same level of information. So something that's common to one person may not be coming to somebody else. It just slipped their mind. It just didn't make sense to them, it didn't click, whatever. You know, but yes, I do agree that there are a lot of steps, especially in relationships, that you can take to look. I had I had a situation where, again, somebody was telling me some of the things that they didn't like about me. And I'm like, well, the way I see it, you got one of two options. You can either learn to adapt or you could not spend your time around me since this gets on your nerves. Because what you were asking me to do is something that I rather enjoy doing, and it's not something that I'm willing to stop. It's the way that to me, it was the way that it was actually delivered, uh, in my opinion, is what is basically saying that, hey, look, I like you, but I don't like you more than I like myself. So if it's something that I like to do or something that's innate to me, something that I just do because it's part of my personality, I'm not I'm not gonna stop doing that because, you know, it gets on your skin or it makes you feel some type of way. Yeah, like I said, you don't have to be in my presence.

Speaker 2 40:31

Right.

Speaker 4 40:32

Um, and but then again, when you're talking about building a relationship, that's the wrong mentality to have. But are you building with the right person?

Speaker 2 40:41

Right. That's important.

Speaker 4 40:42

You know, because if that person really is truly right for you, they're not gonna ask you to change something about you that makes you happy, makes you comfortable and makes you feel good and yeah, makes you you. Right. You know, um, because in essence what and you're trying to change me at that point. Which means that you don't really like me. You like what I what you think I can be for you.

Speaker 41:10

Right.

Personal Growth and Opening Up

Speaker 4 41:11

To me, that's the wrong answer. When I do find that one, that one is gonna accept me for who I for who I am. Quirks and all. I'm goofy. I'm goofy, I'm silly as a hell, I'll crack jokes at the whole nine yards, you know? So it's like if you can't accept that about me, then why should I have to change? Again, going back to shrinking to fit in that box to meet some type of idea that somebody else feels like we need to do. To me personally, I don't feel that that's right. Just make sure that you pick the right person. Because the right the right person for you will actually help build you. They will motivate you, they will transmute that negative energy that you have. It's when you're going through those stressful days, is come here, let me get some of that. You know what I'm saying? Just give me that hug. Let me have some of that negative energy. I'll take on some.

Speaker 42:03

Right.

Speaker 4 42:04

The right person does that type of stuff for you. They help build you, they help motivate you, they help you to get to whatever level that you need to get to. That's my opinion on that point.

Speaker 2 42:13

Yeah, no, I I get that. And I think that's what you I mean, that's what you need to look for anyways in a partner. Like, you don't want to look for somebody that's gonna make you feel like you're regressing, anyways. Like, because at the end, that's that that's not even who you are. That's not you. So now you're pretending. And how long are you gonna do that for? Before it gets old and tired, and you're frustrated, and now next thing you know, you guys are arguing because you don't feel like yourself.

Speaker 4 42:38

Exactly. Be you. Be free and fly, butterfly. Fly.

Speaker 3 42:42

I'm a peacock. You gotta let me fly. Go with me. But yes, life is good.

Speaker 4 42:53

Good, great, straight. Yeah. See how it looks. Like, all right. That's been another episode of All In One. Hope you guys got a little something from this episode here. And was able to, you know what? Drop your comments down below. Because we want to hear what you gotta say. Because we love to read the comments, and we're definitely gonna get back to you. I promise you on that one. But uh, we do have other episodes, so make sure that you do check out the uh other episodes that we do have in these corners here and here. I don't know if you saw that last one, but it's right there. But uh, as always, we're all in. We're all in one. Catch you on the next one.